The Harland Highway - FAHIM ANWAR plants the seeds of hilarity in his hair and we discuss many a wild topic!

Episode Date: June 3, 2025

This episode is sponsored by Mando and ZocDoc! -Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to Zocdoc dot com slash HARLAND to findand instantly book a top-rated doctor today. -Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @shop.mando and get 20% off + free shipping with promo code [HARLAND] at shopmando.com! #mandopod Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Fahim Anwar: Website: https://www.fahimanwar.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fahimanwar/?hl=en #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'll watch a movie and I'll forget it, like, a year later. What Shindler's List about? I think, like, a heist job? You're all around it. He's going shopping. It's a grocery list. So he goes into, like, a Ralph, sort of like a Safeway? Yeah, and he's got a list because he's forgetful, sort of like you. Right.

And if you ever see Shinders' List, it's carrots, cabins, white loaf of bread, Danish. So it's a whole movie about a guy shopping in the grocery store? Yeah, Shindler's List. Going down the Highland Highway Are you comfortable Are you comfy Are you comfortable? I'm pretty comph

Yeah Kump Yeah, I'm trying to get it off the ground I'm trying to launch slang Kumpf is short for comfortable Yeah Or comfy Isn't comfy even an abbreviation

I've heard comfy but I've never heard Kumpf Yeah I made it up and you caught me I was hoping to have it catch on But I feel like it's dead in the water right now So that's yours right? It's not mine Komp No no no that's your

It's your Komp That could be like a Nazi who's comfortable Like I'm a mind Kemp Oh my God You solved it All right so that's kind of a nice pivot I wanted to go this way but now I have to settle with Nazi slang.

Yeah. It's not ideal. Dude, I think people have been wondering about that for a long time and you solved it. Would you consider yourself a mystery solver type of guy? I would like to. That'd be nice. Yeah. Like, do you believe in the Loch Ness Monsterre or the Yeti?

Or Bigfoot. How many are there? There's Lochness. There's Bigfoot. Bigfoot, Yeti, Abonable Snowman, South Squyotch. Oh. But I think those four are the same. They should go on tour.

Well, they can't because there's only one. It's a deception. Like shape-shifting? No. They've just given them for it. Like the Loch Ness Monster, I challenge you to throw me a second name for the Loch Ness Monster. Nessie?

What of a bitch. Right? Well, you know, you're bust in here. You make me look like an egg salad sandwich. You know, I gave you the mind conf and I get them. That was a layup and, yeah, yeah. You nestied me, bro. I nessied you.

bro dude we're creating slang yeah together yeah maybe i wanted to be a solo act and i didn't realize that we bring out the best in each other we're like hauling out we're bringing slang together oh my god did you just do it it's just oozing out of us i just slanged you up rosephiash dude i feel like you're running circles on me you just got power slang power slanged is that can a guy say that to another guy i slanged you i slanged you that's out maybe we're going in a weird that sounds a little sort of little man little

are we doing like ASL slang now too we do verbal and now we do this that'll be our little thing like if we're at the comedy score and we see someone we go slang me bro slang me uh thahima war is here

let me hit the oh there's music for me there's music intro music uh comedian writer actor producer and

whoa dude I used to play bass you did yeah back in the day no way the higher the bass is the funkier it is did you play small mouth

or large mouth was that the neck what is the mouth you said you played what I believe we I believe you thought I said bass right how do you spell

bass Holy crap Have I been playing a bass the whole time I think you have you a bastard Does that make you a bastard if you play bass Well bass You meant the instrument bass Which is spelt

BASS But the fish is spelled BASS It's kind of messed up Bastard And I mean that in the most sportsman-like way You're a funky You're a funky bastard

You're a funky bastard you've played large mouth small mouth and stand up all the mouths well all the mouths all the mouths all the mouths hungry little bait bastard bastard wow it was fourth grade like it was orchestra so they brought us in with like electric bass and then once we got to middle school they made us play oh i thought you meant there was a killer whale there for a little bit she subbed for a while and then and then like she was done with the subbing and then they brought in the real teacher but you did say orchestra right Bro, you're working on so many levels. Bro, what the F guy?

I'm bastardizing the bastards. Yeah, there's orca whales, there's baths. Yeah. The orchestra is like all marine life. Yeah, this is very nautical. Geez, who knew? Did you play any fish? I played the double rainbow trout.

Yeah, pretty good? I was pretty good. Yeah, my fingers could slide, bro. Did they get slimy, though? Yeah. So what do you do? for the slime. You just, it's like, it's like, what was the thing we said now? It's a slang. Slang, yeah. You slide. Ah, yeah. Just, it's all words. Would you ever, like, do that in

between? What, touch myself? No, I just like lick the slime off just to get better grip. Oh, I thought it looked like you were doing something else. Something else. Down here? Well, you went like this, and then your hand disappeared behind the table. Should I just do this for the rest of the pod just so everyone knows it. I'm not doing that. It reminds me of the scene in Sound of Music. I haven't seen it. Okay, let's move along. Wow.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Just, does the name Rana Meehaff ring a bell to you? Well, that was aggressive. Well, I'm just asking. I've never seen some, I've seen someone take their glasses off and like to, you know, prove a point. Right. I've never, you dropped it like it was heavy weights. But I, what I was doing was accentuating the name.

Yeah, I'm not saying pro or against I'm just saying I've never seen it before Oh, did you like it? Yeah, it's something new on something we've seen before Watch this Does the name Ronah Meehav ring a bell to you? It doesn't And I also love the total disregard for your glasses too

Like you may go through five of them just for the bit Here's the thing though It's not disregard for the glasses It's disregard for my eyes I hate my eyes Am I blurry now? yeah how blurry like hold up like some fingers two it's pretty blurry that's like half your vision right now

like my eyes are so fucked up I had to buy a Ford focus just to be able to drive on the roads so is the whole windshield prescription yeah just prescription windshield these have a stroke that's I did yeah and I don't even canoe Dude, this is weird. It's pretty heavy.

Yeah. I don't know that name, though. Okay. Who is it? I think it's someone we both know. Really? Yeah. That's why I was...

Well, I think you were... Wait, you have to do the glasses every time you say the name? Yeah. Why? Ronomee half. You don't... Wait, hold on. Is that just me backwards?

Yeah. Dude, you've got to get to know yourself a little better. Have you done this on anybody else? No, just you, my guy. Is it kind of impressive that I got it? I think you saw it, though. No, no, no. I can't see that well.

I don't have afford from this. Oh, hold on. Try them on, guy. Oh, yeah, Ron. Now, say your name backwards and throw them off and feel how empowering it is. Do I ask you if I know who this is? Yeah. Harlan, can I ask you a question?

Yeah. Does the name Rana Meehev ring a bell? Whoa, dude. I think it's you backwards. Would you mind turning around for a second? Hi, Rana. How are you? I'm great

See, it's you backwards I told you It's you backwards, bro Surprise I had no idea Right Are you glad you came To the Holland Highway

Podcast today Oh yeah I've seen you do that Another pause Oh yeah Why you can't do ours Do what? You can't say ours

Ours Oh I do it in Cajun That's a Cajun Yeah Welcome everybody to the Hall of Highway Podcast with the here today.

You really like music. You got some soul, bro. Yeah, I've been told that, yeah. Like some people sit here and bobbed there, but I can see your body coming alive. Yeah, I'm kind of like a low-key dancer. I really love them. Really?

I feel the music, yeah. See, this is just me seated. Yeah. You can do a lot with the top half of your body. It's all in the shoulders, too. Oh, dude. Let me put my glasses off. Yeah, come on.

Can you do this thing? I think it's called... Wait, what's it called? It's the thing where you go like... What's it called the worm? Where you go like this, you go... Oh, yeah. That's like 101.

Oh. Dude. Whoa. Come on, Hanya. Come on, Hanya. Yeah. Who made this? Is this Fiver, or did you have a friend who did it?

I think this was an in-the-equipment. Wow, you're really on fire. It just came preset? It just like a podcast setting? Is this a podcast intro? Yeah, and I'm too lazy. Now it won't shut off. Why would you want it all?

Wow, dude. You're a fire. You got the soul, bro. You got like... You know what it is? What? I just grew up with Michael Jackson. Like, he was so hot.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Well, not in person. Wow. In more ways. Wow. Just from afar. Did you? Really?

Yeah, he was everywhere. You know? I'm like the generation where he was iconic. There was no one bigger. His music videos, his dancing. So I was like a little kid, rewinding VHS's and trying to dance like him. And then if that's your blueprint,

then I think it's a good dance bass. Were you one of those kids that when the night thriller came out? It was like an event, they announced it. It was almost like the moon landing at 7 o'clock on Friday night, June 12th, Thriller comes out on MTV. I remember going and sitting down, we went to a bar and watched it.

It was like an event, yeah. Just some guy in Boston's lying, hey, put on Thriller. Yeah. Like turn off the games, like the Celtics. Yeah. Throw on Michael. You must have been, how old are you?

I'm 41. So, okay, so you might have been a bit to you. I caught the tail end of it, but it was still iconic. but I wasn't old enough for like, we got to get inside, thrillers on. Yeah. No, it was kind of like a TV event. Oh, you know what it was for me?

When I was a kid, Scream. Because MTV did the Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson their video for Scream. That was kind of an event when that debuted. When they did it together

was like that space age thing. Yeah, and it was sort of a letdown. I loved it though. You did? They're playing like racquetball in space. Yeah. They're wearing like the black tight leather and it was like a shiny, like, spaceship.

See, I look at you. I don't look at you as like that kind of guy. What do I, okay. I don't know. I just don't see like. And then what do I look like? I just don't sort of see like mod techno music guy. Like I love it.

I didn't know you had that in you. Well, it's like dance music. Yeah. I almost looked at you and I go, this guy loves a good like classical like concerto or the Boston Philharmonic. I could appreciate it. it like a painting, but I'm not going to throw it on, you know?

Are you a guy? You'll be like, let's go to the opera or the orchestra, the Philharmonic? I don't go to the opera, but sometimes at night, and I don't want to admit this, because it's not right, it's not legal. I will sneak out of the house at like two, three in the morning, and we live in L.A., and I will go to the Oprah. I'll go into her yard and watch her sleep, or what? Sleep and bathe and...

Just for the sound? or what? I like the sounds. I like the squishy noises at night. What's like a big sound she makes? Like when she rolls over. Why so squishy when she rolls? I don't know.

I think she covers herself in varnish. Hmm. But yeah, you can hear it right through her bulletproof windows. How do you know they're bulletproof? Oh, I've tried. You're right? What happens to the bullets? Oh, it wasn't bullets.

Oh. But, dude, I try to throw pastries through her glass. and they just fall right off. They just, they splat like a pigeon hitting a window. Like I threw a Pepperidge Farm Bunk cake at her window

about three weeks ago at two in the morning. And she looked, like she can, she's got an ear for pastry. She's Oprah, of course. She's got a nose. I don't know if she could probably

smell the spices and the oregano and the vanilla icing right through the bulletproof glass. And that woke her up? Well, it wakes her, it makes her turn in her sleep and when she turns,

you get, it's almost like a rotissory chicken that fell off the rotisserie. That just sound like that. And for a guy who likes, who's an auditory, who likes noises, who likes the way Oprah squishes in the darkness. It's kind of a nice warning too because they know she's about to turn.

Right. Then you know to duck. Right? Because you're up there, the cake squished. You're like, oh, no, she's going to catch me. Yeah. If she turns around, and that gives you like a split second to go. What was that noise?

Dude, if you want to come with me one night We should do sounds on tour or? No, I mean, if you want to come to the Oprah with me. A career opportunity, but I can... Are you an Oprah guy? Eh, sure, who doesn't like Oprah? Okay. I guess.

You ever want to come and stand in her yard with me one night? Am I like an apprentice? I bring the pastries. You can, I love it. And then you throw it. And then once I have what it takes, then I can start throwing. Yeah. Like, if you want to whip up like your own marble cinnamon marble cake or anything.

Ooh, I have to bake them to. Yeah. This is kind of like being a door guy at the comedy store then. Like you got to earn your stripes and then you can throw pastries at Oprah's window. Yeah. Yeah, I'm down. Great. I see you're rubbing your chin there.

What's going on? You just mean like pontificating? Bro, no offense. I have about 15, 16 viewers. They're not going to know that word. I know what it is. I know what pontificating. Should I tell them?

If you could, we got Daryl Dangerl Lips down in Boston. We got Bernie Blacklegs over in South Carolina. What's up Bernie? If you want to tell them what pontificating means. Pontificating is just a fancy way of saying thinking. So I'll hit all the cameras. So it means thinking, thinking, thinking. But can you say thinking or is thinking invisible?

Because when you're thinking, it's not like a noise happens like Oprah rolling in her sleep. Like, if I'm thinking of an elephant right now, you can't hear me think it. So for you to mislead my 15 viewers and tell them it's, I feel like you're leading them down a road of sound that doesn't exist. You can't hear a thought. Yeah. So therefore, I think should we replace pontificating with bullshitting? because I don't think what you just told them is real. You can challenge it.

I'm not saying I'm right, my guy, my shy guy. Yeah. But if I, you know, you said you're hearing thinking, the way you said it, you imply that. But here's my defense. Okay. Why does the word thinking exist if you can't say it? You ever walk in a room and it's dark?

I have, yeah. And you click that switch. Uh-huh. And then the room's bright. Yeah. It's because of light bulbs. And if we didn't think, we wouldn't have light bulbs and everything would be dark. So if you're not thinking, it's dark.

Right. It'll get dark real quick. So, I mean, we're thinking. They wouldn't be able to see us if we were illuminated because we're thinking right now. Oh, that word illuminated? Oh, no. Did I do it again? Well, that's, I know what it means, but they don't.

Bob. The belly buns in South Carolina. Sarah chuckle chinders. Chuckled chinders. They don't know what illuminate means. If you could just... It's light, light. So light, light, light, like light bulbs and...

Light, yeah. Is it light or is it cascading light? Is it producing light? When you illuminate something... Yeah. Isn't it your bringing light into it versus the lights already there? And I don't know Dick Gall from squat, diddley, dunkledy dunk, fiddly dink, fun dunglebank, faddle crab, cruddlecrumk, niddly dink, the dittily dunk, Nellie Frittato, Mollie Ringwald. Scat?

I don't watch German movies. Hey, everybody. You ever step outside and it feels like you're instantly. drenched like you just ran through a sprinkler or ran through a car wash or something crazy like that. Yeah, well, it's not fun. And that's why I want to talk to you about Mando. Okay? This is a 72-hour odor control fix. Okay? You put this stuff on. You can put it up here. You can put it under here. You can put it down here. You can put it all over your body. And what I love about it is the different sense they have. It smells

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freshness. Oh hello long-lasting freshness. Hello, Mando. Don't put that on me. This is bass all over again. It can mean both. Scat is pooping on someone, I think, in a sexual manner.

Right? Scat always involves, there's a sexual undertone under it, right? Like, no one just poops on someone for fun. How is scat, how is that even related to sexual? Scat? How could that even be related in a sexual? I don't get it, but there's a tab. The Germans. Love it.

Did they invent it? I think they're doing it right now. While they're watching? If you were to call long distance to Germany right now, I'd be, Hello, this is Hans. Wow, dude If you had to Yeah

Like if you had to be involved in SCAT Would you be the one Getting it on you Or doing it to someone Look, I'm not German Do you have to be German to SCAT? I think you gotta be German So like if you're squatting over someone

Is someone like, show me your papers And then you have to show them your ID And they go carry on Like if you're German Then I think it would be more like Show me your toilet papers Show me your toilet papers Because if you're scatting

Yeah then It's a good sip. I mean, I'm just, I don't know the... Is this an ASMR podcast as well? What's that mean? It's just like, sounds like this. People make millions of dollars. It's usually hot chicks.

Just like eating grapes. Now I'm going to play with beads. What? They play with beads. So it's just like really, it's an auditory experience. Like, okay, now I'm going to, I'm going to screw on this cap on this bottle. And usually they're in a low-cut shirt, so it's less about the noise and just. Oh, I love the way that you tap the mic.

Wait, so you can make millions of dollars. Yeah. Can I try this? Share on. Yeah, let them hear you unbutton. Don't waste the sound. Come on, this is. That's the sound it makes when you unbutton.

Why does each button make different sound? Because it's like, it's almost like a clarinet. Oh, yeah. And then now I'm... I'm rubbing the belly of a baby seal. You're getting so many super thanks right now? Shh. I'm rubbing the belly of a baby seal.

Although I feel like I'm making balloon animals. I can be both. That'll be $70. please. What do you do Venmo? You do PayPal, cash app. Whatever you got, send it in. I just showed you my cleavage.

I showed you my valley. I got a deep cleavage, bro. Yeah. You could take a measuring tape to this cleavage. You could drop your car keys in there and not find them for a week. It's a pretty long time. Do you got cleave?

I've got medium cleave. Should I have deep cleave? I don't know. You ever motorboat a truck driver in the middle of the night? I have it. What's it like? Have you? Yeah. What was his name? Dave. Pretty simple. Bakersfield Shell Station up at the 405. What was he hauling? Fresh veggies. How did it happen? He was lonely. It was a full moon. Crickets were chirping. And then what? You just stopped for gas? Or how did he?

That might have been milling about. Might have been hanging around the restroom. Trying to make a little side hustle money. Was it for cash or just the thing you like to do? It's for cash. Always for cash. Do they ever try to like Venmo and you go, no, it's cash only? It's got to be cash only. When you get into my cleave, you're paying lettuce, right? Do you tell them up top like, hey, it's like an Asian restaurant?

Yeah, it's cash only. Because it'd be awkward if you tell them afterwards. They're like, oh, I don't have any cash. Yeah, I ain't given a free motorboat. You want to stick your nose in my cleavage? I want to see lettuce on the table. I want to see a full salad. I want to see a cold slough.

How much? Like, what's the going rate? I'll do 200 for two minutes. That's 100 a minute. That's really, that's good. Yeah. Is there anybody else trying to undercut you, or are you the only game in town? I'm the only guy around that I've seen, but no one has a deeper cleave than me.

Do they come and stop, like, just because they know you're there? Some of them, some of them are repeats, but some of them refreshies, they call them. Yeah, are they nervous because you're like, I've never, never done this before. I've just heard about you from Dave. Yeah. Some of them I have to make them wear goggles because I have chest. hair so sometimes they get hair in their eyes. Is that sort of like a condom for motorboarding just so they don't get pink eye or anything else? Yeah. Because they want to be safe. It's like safe.

Yeah. You're in the zone. I'm in the zone. I just heard. You're all around it. Yeah. But you see, you're lucky you have a chin. I don't have a chin though. Oh. Yeah, I don't have. Yeah, I don't have a no. Like, yeah, I wish I had. Yeah, I'm the same. I'm even less than you. What sucks is, you know, I like to do this. I'm a friendly guy. I walk down the street. I'm like, I do these things. You know, I'm like, hey, what's up? And because I have no chin, every time I do this, my skin pinches in the behind my nuts act.

It's that tight? Yeah. So when I go like that, it's like, there's a little, little. So it's just super top from here all the way to the gooch? All the way down. So when I do, when I do, you see me do a friend, they're like, hey, what's up? It's like, like I feel it. Do you, do you ever want to say what's up so bad that you'll tear something?

Yeah. Yeah. You'll hear a snap. Yeah. Yeah, I ripped my scrotum. It was at the Emmys. I saw Dolly Parton and I gave her one of these and I went two. I did two.

It's Dolly. You got it. And I fell on the floor in a fetal position and, oh, God, it was a whole mess. Yeah, it was worth it, though. It was. Hey, everybody. Does it take you like six, seven, eight months to see your primary care doctor? You've got to drive 300 miles across town and you get stuck with the doctor that your insurance network set you up with.

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Let's speed it up. Stop putting off those important doctor's appointments and go to Zottdoc.com slash Harland to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. that's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash Harland dot dot dot com slash harland get going, save time, and book that appointment at Zock doc doc. Can you grow, I feel like you grow good facial hair, though.

Yeah, it comes in pretty thick. Yeah, I can grow a full beer. Mine comes in patchy. If I let it grow to it, yeah. Because I feel like that can hide the weaker chin. Yeah, that's normally I have it, but I just, I got to grow it back in. I do have a butt chin, though. Maybe that's a saving grace.

Yeah, you do have a butt chin. You ever scat with your own face? That should be, wow. Maybe like a tube surgically inserted into my butt chin and just, it would be a party trick. Yeah. Or I'm like, get close. Yeah. Oh, wow.

This is the most I farted onto a mic on any podcast. This is like the third time. It's really SMSS. Wait. Isn't SS? AMSR? Or what is SM? SMS.

Isn't SS? They need to bring back the Nazi thing, but yeah. You may have to put the Nazi thing later in the pot to not get demonetized. I don't think YouTube likes it when you talk about Nazis in the first five seconds. They don't? Yeah, probably not. I will. No, don't do it, Arland.

Too late. Nazi, Nazi, Nazi. Yeah, it's okay now. It's a little deeper. Are you excited about spring? Yes. Can you tell the difference, though, like here in L.A.? It's all the same.

Well, you can't, I can't because I see the leaves come out. And I wanted to do something. I was saving this, but I have flower seeds, wildflower seeds. And if you'll indulge me, I'd love to plant some in my hair just to, you know, get kick off spring. Look at these things. Oh, yeah. And just, you know, just put some in my hair. and hopefully get a little spring crop going, Guy.

You do this every spring? Yeah, every spring. And then in about three weeks, you'll be sniffing my head. Can I see? Do you water? Do you water these? When I shower. Oh.

Yeah. It takes a little patience, but you got to have a green thumb. Is that what's going out of your head now? No, no, those are the hair plugs. but you put the seeds in, in about three weeks you have, it's like a wildflower. It looks like a median on a roadway.

Looks like you could be driving down like Lasiana and those concrete medians with the wildflowers. That's kind of cool. Yeah. So three weeks, I'll see you and it'll be sprouted.

Yeah. Wow. Just feel free to sniff my head. Whenever? Yeah. Wow. Can I have some? Yeah, dude.

Or am I, like, joccing your style No, if you want to seed your head and... Dude, yeah. So what's... You just drop them in and let nature do the rest. There you go, guy.

Like that? Yeah. Oh, you're going to be beautiful. I'm just kind of doing a disperse pattern. Yeah, you're going to be a walking bouquet in about three weeks. Happy spring, everyone. Happy spring.

Spring is sprung. Oh, beautiful. So it'll be these. Yeah, you're going to have sunflowers, azaleas, Samantha, mums. That's a cool mix. Yeah, tulips. What's all this white stuff on the package?

That's... Can we zoom in on that? What is, what do we got? Oh, that's icing. Were you getting a little too excited about spring? No, I had a cake here last week for David Lucas. I had a full birthday cake out and I put it out here for them in the middle of the podcast. Yeah?

Yeah. God, what do you think of it? I just think you love spring, Harlan. Psychosomatic Attica Sane. Are these just like in my head the whole pod? Yeah. Let them root. You're going to be so happy.

Yeah. Especially against your dark hair. It's going to look great. It's really going to pop. Yeah. Yeah. You'll probably get pollinated twice a day. So these birds are going to be bees.

Oh, yeah. Birds don't do it. No, bees. I'm dumb. Talk to me, Guy, about you. ran a writer's room. You did a sketch show. Oh, yeah. People don't know. I want to get it a little

peel the curtain a little bit, get into the tech talk. You ran a writer's room to the average lay person. They don't even know what that term means. Talk to me what the writer's room is, what goes on in there, who's in there? This was kind of, I don't know

how official this writer's room. On paper it is, but they're all my friends that I was in a sketch group with. So, Hassan Minhaj, Aristotle Atari and then Ossif Ali we were in this sketch group called Goat Face just doing YouTube stuff

and then we did a show for Comedy Central we did a one episode like hour long sketch special Oh wow And then it's just like all my friends And the workflow was the same But it's just for TV this time Okay yeah

Was there a dedicated room where you wrote Or did you guys just kind of separately We went to someone's house We went to someone's house So we'd kind of like do stuff on our own Then come together with our ideas ideas, and then when we convened, I guess that's like the writer's room. Yeah, yeah.

The writers are together, that's a writer's room. You can be on a boat, and it's a writer's room. You could be... Yeah, that's right. At the Chipotle, and that's a writer's room. That's the writer's room. And were you, like, the lead guy in the writer's room? Because someone has to delegate and make the final decisions, because everyone has

creative ideas. Yeah. But there has to be a guy that says, you know what? We got it, or, no, I don't... I know you're going on with that idea, but it's not going to work. Were you the guy that kind of had to be the controller of the final content? I mean, there was a showrunner as well. So he was more of the taskmaster in terms of like production-wise,

what's doable and what's not. But then I was head writer on it. Like I kind of generate more of the ideas in the sketch group. Yeah. But everyone has their own ideas. And then we kind of chooses a group like what we want to do for the show. Yeah. Yeah.

But did you have the final say though? Somebody's got to say, It's there. It's cooked. We got it. We decide. We're pretty like, to be able about that. I'm not like, that sucks. Get out of here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Did you ever feel the pressure to have to be that guy, though?

Or would you, would that have stepped on the friendships? It would have stepped on the friendship. Yeah. Yeah. It's delicate, right? I'm not that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's delicate when you do it with close buddies, but when you'd go into a writer's room with strangers, it's probably easier.

Yes. If I was hired to be like the head writer on a bunch of younger writers, then I could be more of an asshole. Not that I want to. Yeah. But it would be expected for me to steer the ship like that. That's right. But with a bunch of friends, it'd be like, what are you doing?

I know who you are. Has that ever been a desire of yours to, like, work in a writer's room, like on a sitcom or a, any type of TV show? Or is that? I know comedians were sort of free roamers, right? Yeah, we're like Wolverine. Yeah, it's like hard to be constrained because we're not used to having the constraints of a boss

and a daily, like a nine to five. Would that be tough on a guy like you, do you think? I think so. Yeah. Because I used to be an engineer and, like, I already know what a day job feels like. So you're an engineer? Yeah, back in the day. I worked for Boeing, like, doing engineering.

I love Boeing's, planes the best. I thought usually it was like Boings. No, no, I love Boeing's planes the best because when they crash, they usually bounce back up. Yeah. Yeah. So it gives your, like, dead body one last ride. Right. Boing. Like, you're dead.

Boing, boing, boing. Wait, what kind of engineer were you? I was doing, I studied mechanical, but then I worked in aerospace, so I was doing stress analysis on 747-8 freighter and passenger. Don't say that like you're just throwing it away. That's, most of us only dream of that. You know there's a freighter and a passenger version of the 747. I don't need to tell you guys. Whoa, dude.

You have an airplane audience, right? Yeah. They know what's up. Everyone wishes they could say that. Yeah. Not everyone can say that. But that was a cubicle job, and I feel like as much as we love comedy, sometimes you can get into a thing that it just feels like that. And you go like, oh, I got in for the romance of this.

Yeah. Like to be a kid and to have fun. Yeah. So I love stand-up and I like creating my own things. Yeah, yeah. So the whole like, I don't know, maybe later I'll do a writer's room or something, but for now I'm having fun just doing stand-up and stuff. Did the cubicle experience really motivate you to get out and do your stand-up? Like, was it really constraining to be in it?

Just that word cubicle. I know. Like, were there other people in joining cubicles? Yeah, I had cube partners. It's like a hive, like a beehive. Yeah, it really is. We're all bees. It's just like...

Yeah. How long did you do that? Again, the same way I didn't pitch you being like the groove guy. Yeah. I don't pitch you in a cubicle. Yeah, I busted free. How long were you in a cubicle, my little honeybee? Thank you.

Three and a half years. Three and a half four years. Dude, how do you? Did you do it without going postal or AWOL? I know. Like, how did you not shoot up the cubicles? I want it. No.

Dude. I can't see. On a podcast? This is what you get on. This is where I come out. The fans come out. You're like, this isn't even a real podcast. The sting operation.

I'm like, I wanted to shoot everybody in that cubicle. Yeah. Get them. But even though we're joking, I feel like you really did. No, I just loved stand-up so much. And I would always, I would always, like, look at the clock until it was time to leave. There was this element of, like, living for tomorrow that I hated. I hated living for,

Tomorrow, which a term you wouldn't bestow on your fellow workers, because I feel like you really did want to go in and slaughter them. No, I love them. They're all great people. But I look in your eyes. And I feel like... There's rage? I feel like you wanted to kill the cubicles. No, I just wanted to hit the stage later that night. So you didn't want to murder the whole...

No. Unequivocally, you didn't want to go in and spray the cubicles with an MR-4729, Winchester, 12. 32, semi-automatic rivet action. Sounds like you have some deep-seated, like maybe... I got a deep-seated scalp is what I got. Dude, and so do you.

So tone down the rhetoric there, a sapling. But just for the audience, to clear this stuff, I don't like loose end, so you didn't want to go into your cubicle one morning with probably three hours sleep under your belt, Kentucky fried chicken grease on your chin

with a fully loaded R-75-92 Hoover 1206. The gun keeps changing. Well, it's your murder, not mine. And you didn't want to spray the cubicles and take out your fellow employees. I just want to be crystal clear on this. Yeah, unequivocally. You didn't.

Like, we're staying on this topic for so long that it seems incriminating to me. Just making me very nervous. I'm just unequivocally, just to every camera, no. Crystal clear. Crystal clear. I never wanted to do that. I don't want to do it now.

I don't want to do it in the future. No, mass shootings. No, I'm not very against that. Yeah. I love people. I'm a people person. I take guns. I've never even been to a gun.

I would go to a gun range. Okay, that's not, I'm not doing myself any favors by saying I would go to a gun range. But it would be fun to shoot a gun at a gun range. But I love people and I would, I would never do the what you painted with the XR-9-5 Hoover. Damn, 95, what was the gun to you? Triple pump action. pump action, rear end, traction, posy, crystal, yeah, laser sight.

Like I respected as like the features on a gun that's cool from an engineering standpoint. Yeah. But like humanity-wise, I would never light up a floor anywhere. I don't look at office building or anywhere. I would never do it. What floor are you talking about?

Like what level? It doesn't even matter because I would never do any floor, whether it's the ground, the first, so that's the first, the second, third, fourth, the thirteenth, even though some places don't do a 13th because of the superstition, I wouldn't even, I wouldn't do that. Yeah. I wouldn't do the roof. I wouldn't do the basement. The whole building is safe from anything I would do. I would never. I would, can I be on, thank you for being so honest. Because I get this on a lot of podcasts. They're like, would you light up an office building? And like, well, it's in your eyes. It's in your eyes. Do I need to

wear sunglasses every podcast? I'd maybe get my eyes cut out if I were you. So I don't have to wear sunglasses every time like that's a solution well you said you're 40 you've seen a lot you've seen you know what colors are you've seen the sky you've seen the ocean I would just get my eyes cut out and call it a day and say I've seen a lot I can remember stuff and then you have no eyes and then you're just a guy walking around with two holes it's almost like tracheotomy eyes like instead of your trache you got two eyes here yeah but they're holes and then at Halloween you can cut a hole in the top year. I'd put a candle in and, you know, stand in the window for the kids. I'd be jack-o- what? That's funny.

Well, just trying to help. I could be a jack-o'-lantern every year. With no eyes. Why wouldn't you? If you had no eyes, would you just rock the no-eyes or would you throw sunglasses on? By the way, rock the no-eyes is my Armenian cousin, by the way. What are we talking about? I have no idea. We're talking about hypotheticals of if you had no eyes. Because I feel like when they put the sunglasses on, it's for society.

Because they can't tell the difference, right? Right. So they're being polite. Like they've heard it's off-putting. They can't see it, right? They can't see it because they got no eyes. They got no eyes. And maybe they can think about to a time when they could see and they'd be like that they could imagine.

Like, oh, that would be off-putting. Let me throw these sunglasses on to not scare children at airports. Wow. that's kind of nice they do us they do us a solid but i'm just wondering you personally if you carved out your eyes yeah would you rock the no eyes kind of like body positivity or empowering or like you know like vitiligo whatever people have they just like this is what i have i have i have no eyes deal with it i think what i would do if i'm going to make the concerted effort to get rid of my eyes and carve them out of my head how much more effort does it take while i'm making the incision

to do a couple of quick, tight angles and give myself triangle eyes. And then come Halloween, I'm the king of the street. I'm the jack-o-lantern on my street. That's almost, that's kind of brilliant, because if you just had hollowed-out eyes... And they're triangle?

Well, okay, if they weren't triangles, it's people, you get the two reactions. Someone will be like, they'll see you with the hollowed-out eyes, and then they go, Because they don't want to let on that you're petrified. Like, you've seen that. You've seen somebody with somebody. And then you go, and then you go.

So you'd get a lot of that. But making the triangles, that's a familiar shape. You're like, I'm looking at a jack-o-lantern. So you'll just get this the first time. You're not going to get the... You know what you're going to get the first time? You're going to get this. And you're going to get trick-or-treat,

which is like a friendly greeting. Yeah, that's like a fist bump. And the only problem with it is you've got to walk around with like mini Snickers bars and lifesavers and chips in your pockets. Yeah. Because you don't want to disappoint the public. Yeah, you can't have triangle eyes and no fun-sized Snickers. Yeah, you got to have treats. Question, is there razor blades in the candies? The apples. How come, yeah, you always hear about razor blades in the chocolates. Yeah. But what about? Oh, in the chocolate. I always heard about it in the apples. For real? Yeah.

Because you can slide razor blades into an apple undetected. But also, what kid is chomping at the bit to get into an apple? Right. Well, some people put apples out. The health nuts, the vegetarians. That's pretty funny. The assholes. To think about like a twisted vegan who's just sliding razor blades into an apple

and thinks the kids are going to eat them. Right. They're going to go, thank you, and then chuck them into the woods as soon as they get them. We used to throw the apples at the garages, just like a gong. That sounds like the beginning of peat it. Dung. Dung. Dung.

Dung. Dung. Dung. Dung. Ding new, new, new. Peeu. Peeu. Peeu.

Pish. Dini Neenini. Yep. You said your sister's got Chinese eyes. She smells like garlic and she likes french fries. What are the words? I think that's it. Oh.

You nailed it. I haven't heard it in a long time. That's pretty crazy to have that kind of recall. Yeah. And still be able to nail the lyrics just like you did. Recall. Exactly. And I didn't know you can finger moonwalk.

Yeah. Because you were gliding up a storm there. Sliding like a... You know how they have those finger decks for skateboarding? Yeah. They should have that like finger Michael Jackson competitions. Oh, yeah. Just dress up your fingers and then just two guys are like,

oh, ooh, it's like a moonwalk off. Wow. Did I invent a new sport? I think you might have, guy. And by the way... It's like boxing. Wow, you have beautiful nails. Do I?

Are those French tips? No, they're... Hold those up. their Afghan tips. What's a lovely. Thank you. You look like Crescent moons on a soft summer night.

You have a way with words, dude. Yeah. You have a way with nails. This is all natural. I just want to watch you open a present or something. This could be like ASMR. Like, I just do videos

where I open things and people can look at my nails. Oh, do. I think what we're learning is like, guys, we'll jack off to any niche thing in the world. They'll do what? Jack off.

What, that's no good? I didn't say it. Didn't come out of my mouth. Was that vulgar? Should I use like a different term? I don't even know what you're talking about. Never heard that term. What have you heard?

I haven't heard that one. You've never heard of, can I keep saying it or no? I don't know what it is, say it all you want. You've never. Nothing I'd know about. You've never heard of Jackoff? What's that mean? You've never heard of Beat Off?

No. You've never heard of Beat It? Yeah, the Michael Jackson song. You know what he was singing about. What? Jack it off. You lost me. You had me and you lost me.

Have you heard of... This guy. This guy here. This guy. This guy. Fuck off. This guy. You know what we're doing?

Look at your thumbnail. Hold on, hold on. Oh, my God, your thumbnail is delightful. Really? Good Lord. Is that German tips? Wow. You know what you're doing?

What? When you were saying this guy? Yeah. You were doing the thing that you don't know what it is. How can you be offended if you don't know what it is? Dude, your nails are hypnotizing me. You're just talking about my nails to get off topic. I've got you in a corner.

You do. Oh, my God. It's a gun now. Wow. You know what you're doing when you do that? What? I think you know. This guy.

Put it away? Yeah. Oh, no. This doesn't look good about the whole office floor spraying thing, huh? The 13th floor. Why don't they have a 13th floor? Isn't the 13... Why is it superstitious?

Is it 13's a bad number? Well, I submit to you that the 13th floor is merely on the 13th floor is merely on the 13th floor. 14th floor. I completely agree. So there, well, then what's the 14th floor? If the 13th floor is on the 14th floor, where did the 14th floor go? Maybe they're, they're getting rid of the 13 to divert us to not think about the missing 14th. You said at the beginning of the show, you like a good mystery. I do, but some are hard. This one's hard to crack. This is hard to crack. But Let me go one step further if you'll indulge me, please.

Sherlock. Is that a racist? How dare you? Yeah. Oh, I love race. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No?

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any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. This is stuff. Holmes. What's up, Holmes? I'm not Mexicans. What are you?

What's up Holmes? Sherlock Holmes, that is. Is that how that came to be? Yeah, from Sherlock Holmes. They just love mystery? Well, no, it was Watson. He was always like, what's up, Holmes? Like, he's always asking about clues.

What's up, Holmes? And it just became African-Mcarrans, Africa, how do you say it? African-Americans? African-McLarrens. African McLaren's love Sherlock Holmes stories. They love a good mystery. And so they sort of extraculated what's-up homes from the Sherlock Holmes stories. Question, you were giving me crap about illuminating and now you're using extrapolating.

So your audience doesn't know illuminating and pontificate, but they know extrapolating? Here's the kicker. I don't know what extrapolating means. So I threw it out there. I don't have a clue. So it nullifies, and I don't know what nullifies needs. means either. What do you think?

What do you think extrapolate means? I don't think because you can't see thoughts. You don't think? I can't. So what do you?

I thought once that I could think. When? I don't know how. Yes, but do you remember when you tried to think? I don't.

Because you're not thinking right now you're remembering and that's different. I can remember. I could. while away the hours reflecting with the flowers if I only had a brain

dootty doodily dootty do do Is this real? It's a scarecrow The Wizard of Oz I thought you just came up with a Harland original No, you didn't know that was the scarecrow song If I only had a brain You've never heard that

Have you ever seen Wizard of Oz It's been a while I'm so bad at retail I'll watch a movie and I'll forget it Like a year later What Shiddler's list about? I think like a heist job They're trying to like get a diamond

Okay Because Schindler has a list of things that he's trying to You know hit Right It's sort of like gone in 60 seconds But for like gems You're all around it He's going shopping

Hmm It's a grocery list So he goes into like a Ralph Sort of like a safe way Yeah And he's got a list Because he's forgetful Sort of like you

Right And if you ever see Schinders list It's carrots Cabid white loaf of bread So it's a whole movie About a guy shopping In the grocery store Yeah, Schindler's list.

How's it exciting? Why are people going to movie theaters to see this? Because it's during the post-apocalyptic era and all these stores are, they're void of food almost because they've been ransacked. And so it's really, really hard to find the things on your list.

So Schindler makes a list because his family is huddled in the bomb shelter, squalered, starving. And so the whole premise of the movie is Schindler's list. He has to go out and find the items on his wife's shopping list and bring them back so they can all live.

So in that context, it's very dramatic, very tense. I guess because supplies are limited, and is it dystopian this future? Oh, you don't know that word here. Dysopian? Is that like a pudding, a dessert? What is it? It's like fucked up, I guess.

Dostopian? Use that. Say fucked up. It's like a fucked up world. Yeah, that's much better. They'll get that. Yeah. I know what dystopian is. Right. Yeah, so it's like a fucking up. up world where supplies are limited. So Schindler's got to get all these things.

Right. So they created Schindler's list and Spielberg. I guess somehow through Spielberg's brilliance he saw film in there. He's like there's a movie here. There's a movie here. He can get anything off the ground. He'll get anything going. Is there a sequel or is that it? Jurassic Park.

Is that a sequel to Schindler's list? Yeah, it's when Schindler now the kids are nourished. He found everything on the list. The kids are stuffed. They've been eating like crazy. And now they want a little fun. They've been stuffed in this bomb shelter for seven years. Like they need entertainment. Like even though the world is fucked up and

dystopian, like humans still need entertainment. Right. So he's, the kids are like, Daddy, Daddy, we're feeling you know, claustrophobic. We need some fresh air. And he goes, well, why don't we go to Jurassic Park? And now the sequel is the Schindler kids get out of the shelter and go

play in a park. And Jurassic Park exists? Yeah. He didn't have to build it or anything. No, it's part of the post-apocalyptic. When the nuclear bombs dropped, the radiation got into some ostrichags. The ostrichs mutated, and they evolved into prembriotic, Paleozoic-era-type reptilian giant monsters. And now there's parks inhabited with, you know, T-Rex, Diloptodon, Pladiosaurus, Kucl. Taurion, clitadog, all kinds of dinosaurs.

What's your favorite dinosaur if you had to choose? I'm going to go with triceratops. Why? Because they've got the big plate on their head, they got the two horns, and then the horn on their nose. So if you're ever in a post-apocalyptic arrow where the only surviving food is in cans, you got yourself a giant can opener. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the sound it makes?

Like the worst Foley artist in the world? Yeah, wow. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt. shirt or a hoodie. But not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at hardbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got copies. We got copy.

mugs. We got t-shirts. You name it. It's there at Harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. And I'll just keep the groovy images coming. Have you ever done something that you regret? Have you ever done something that that you regret doing, like an activity or something to yourself or something in life. You just, you did it. And the minute you did it, you realized why did I know? Error.

Error. I'm just thinking, these are random thoughts. I have two instances. Great. What's here? Maybe I was 13. I don't know. I had a friend.

He was over my backyard. My parents had these rocks for decoration. And then just one day we picked. up the rocks and we just threw it through the neighbor's windows. And I'm like a good kid. This makes no sense. As I reflect on it, I don't know why I did this. Yeah. It was like a game to us. We were just trying to clear all the glass from the window. Whoa. And we just threw these rocks. And then I got in so much trouble, obviously. Yeah. I had to pay back the window with my money. But that was so weird. Oh, wow. I regret that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just bizarre.

Weird. Yeah. Again, this doesn't sound good with the whole spraying and office floor, just knowing that I'm capable of. Sort of makes sense to me. I'm not going to, I don't want to do it. I don't, I don't want that for me. Yeah, I don't. So that was one. And then another one, somebody on Twitter,

this is many, many years ago. So head writer was like, oh, I'm working on, like, are there any comedians who could dance? Are there any stand-ups who can dance? And then Moshekashu was like, he tagged me. He's like, oh, yeah, for him. So I'm like, hey, what's up?

And then I got in contact with them. They go, we're doing. doing this thing. You know laughing? You know the show laughing? So they were rebooting it for Netflix. Whoa. So they go, hey, we're doing, I'm doing laughing and all this stuff.

And so we just need comedians who could dance, but then also be funny. And so I was under the guys. They told me that like we would have lines and stuff and that we would deliver jokes. And I'd be a part of it. I'm like, oh, cool. And then as the day went on, it became, I could tell that like, oh, I'm just a backup dancer for this show. So I have no lines. and there were some other comedians

who got bamboozled into this too we're just in the background I don't know if it's still on Netflix or not but we're just the whole and I wanted to quit but then I'm like okay then I'm a bad then I'll look bad on me

because I'm leaving them the lurch because they tricked me so I just had to suck it up and just the whole show I was back there in a blazer just dancing after every joke yeah the worst part of it you said you're under the guys

I was under the guys oh no Have I come out? You said it, not me. I'm just asking. You said you're under the guys. I didn't mean that guys, Harland. Just one guy.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no guys, you said, plural. No, no, no, no, no guys, Harland. You said you're under the guys. But I met the other guys, like G, G-U-I-G-U-I-S-E. This is bass all over again. This is bass, and there was another time, there was another time this happened. Okay, Orca. straighted.

Yes. It's like that. I don't, I don't mean, I don't mean men. Okay. I wasn't under, I wasn't under men. And I don't shoot up office buildings. Okay. I was under the,

do they know assumption? No. I was under, the pretense. Do they know pretense? Just say stuff. I was, I was under the stuff.

I was under the, they'll get that. They get that. Just because stuff's, encapsulate it covers everything so just say stuffs i was under the stuffs that i was i was going to have lines and stuff and stuff yeah okay i just clearing it up my guy yeah yeah that's close like i did something before i'm guilty of it too i had my um recently had my tubes tied and which let me ask um philopium

Yeah, because I didn't want to get banged up. I don't know about you, but I've got a bunch of sperm cells inside me. And I just figure it's just a matter of time to one of them hits. And suddenly, you know, now I got a, I'm with child. Yeah. And, you know, okay, I'm not so uptight about being with child, but, you know, with all the sperm cells inside me, sooner or later something's going to hit. I don't want the stretch marks.

I don't want my water to break. You're nice and tight right now. tight, I'm ripe. Yeah. Like, I'm ripe tight, tight, ripe. You could do like the Allie Wong thing, though. Like, if you're, like, a Prego-Harland special? Yeah, but I already got them tied.

I got my tubes tied. Can you untie them? Not mine. They did them real tight. The doctor just... Yeah. They actually put a stick in them and, like, twisted it. They used leverage?

They used a branch from a tree. Yeah. Yeah, physics. They had a fulcrum. And they just, yeah. They really went to town. It's a lot going on. they're really tight

and I didn't want to get banged up I didn't want my water to break I don't want to be out doing a show I don't want to be socializing and all of a sudden my water breaks yeah that's embarrassing you know and then the fleas are riding for them it's like a tsunami

the fleas between my legs are sliding around do you have fleas I don't think I do I have fleas how did you get those just from not bathing and

it's been pretty good I haven't seen any flying off of you. Not yet because I have my pants on, but if I take them off. It's just, it's like the mummy. Yeah. It's like when the green mild guy opened his mouth. That's, yeah. This is one of my favorite references.

I think about it often. Talk to me. Michael Clark Duncan spraying that energy into the, but it's such a niche visual that I feel like most people don't know what I'm talking about when I talk about it. This is the place. Talk about it. No, I just, it just makes me. happy that you have used that as a reference because I have unsuccessfully several times in my

life. And the fact, this is almost like a kindred spirit of comedic references here. Just because to me, just like, and all the shit flying out. Yeah, yeah. And it's after he grabbed Tom Hanks' crotch, remember? So what did Hanks have between his legs probably fleas. So went from that to take my hand boss. And then Tom, respectfully Tom Hanks should have said,

take my crotch boss. Because he did grab his crotch. Yeah. And then it was like, he shook it. And I don't know what he took out. Might have been fleas, might have been flies,

might have been flies. But what was the beat you did? See, now I'm wondering, what was the bit where you used that reference? I've used it several times just in conversation. And people usually say, what are you talking about?

Oh, wow. Or they don't remember. Then it hit them as vividly as it did you and I. Wow. But I look. Do you think Michael Hark Duncan could have cured you if he was still around? And now you're stuck with this? I worked with him.

Did you? Yeah, I did a movie with them. Why didn't you ask him to help you? Because it was pre, it was right after he did Green Mile. He went and did the whole nine yards and the green mile wasn't out yet. But I remember Bruce telling me on the set, he's going, and this kid's going to get nominated for an Oscar. And he did.

Who's Bruce? Bruce Willis. Bruce is the one that recommended Michael Clark for the role. And so Michael Clark told me he slept with that script under his pillow. He said he was with that script. He just lived it. He became John Coffey. And then when I saw the movie, I was just like,

he's unbelievable. just so such an intense, beautiful role. Did he win for that or not? He got nominated, and it was the same year that Michael Kane got nominated. And so I remember Michael Clark invited me to his Oscar party. You always probably think you're going to win,

and they had the thing in Michael Clark Duncan. It was his first movie. That was his first? That was his first big, like, moment. So who gets nominated? nominated for an Oscar, he's sitting there, and the winner is Michael Cain. So the other guy who was up for it had the first letters, Michael Cain, Michael Clark. And so he initially, when you look at the footage, he's like, and then dawned on him,

the second name wasn't his. It was like hard-breaking. That's almost doubly hard. It was like a double, like he thought he won it because they said the whole thing. first part of his... You know what's similar to that? I always think it's a shame that hospice sounds so much like hospital

because when somebody tells you something, like if they say you have to go to a hospice, the first half you think like, oh, I'm going to go to a toll and I'll come out. Yeah. Like, oh, you're just going to go to the hospice. And it has the word piss in it too,

which really, you know, it's not going to be good. Yeah. Hospice is where you go to die, right? Yeah, you don't come out of it. It's where the really terminal patients go to, like, they're not, they go to that wing in the hospital

where they're not coming out, most likely. But here's the thing. They make it super comf. Remember? Yeah, the very, is that my phone or yours? I think that's mine. I should shut that.

I've never had this many texts in my life. You're a popular guy, dude. It's like tinkerbells, flying around there, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, and go on. God, that hell is it? Let's see. Here, while you check, can I get an Izzy? Yes, please.

Oh, geez, it is Tinkerbell. What's he saying? Said my ass is glowing. Get some cream. Are you guys dating? No, we're just buddies, but yeah, I guess you're... Well, I mean, you're pretty close. She's asking you to get cream.

Well, she flies around and her ass lights up. seen her? I have. Yeah. He's like a Firefly kid or something. But why can't she get it

herself? That's what I want to know. You text her that. Use Amazon. Like why Yeah.

Get your own cream, firefly ass. And she's famous. Idiot. She doesn't have an assistant or something while she hitting you up like you're successful.

I said idiot. Should I add fucknard? Yeah, why not? Just to drive the message home. And I think she respects that you

treat her like this because everyone else is walking on egg shells like oh tinkerbell whereas you're still a friend get your own cream idiot fucknard do you have anything you want to add uh love you and hook no i mean like an insult oh like i have idiot fucknard shit hank what you say what shit hank i just made it up but it feels right do you have one um it's for tinkerbell remember tinkerbell Tinktard. Yeah. Is it T-A-R-D?

Yes. One D or two? It's one, but do four just to drive it home. Tink-dard-d-d-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah. Exclamation point or too much? No. It's too much sauce.

Two exclamation points. Yeah. And a dollar sign. Ooh. Okay. Okay. Shoot it off. Thank you for that.

Yeah. our final segment my friend we do this with everybody I forgot that I've had seeds in my head for the past however long oh and that's the beauty you'll forget in about three weeks you're going to wake up one morning why does it smell like a potpourri in here and then you'll go to the mirror to shave and you'll be like bring bring spring you're going to be so happy yeah it's just hard to get used to a clog well wooden shoe but clog yeah it's called our final segment we do with everybody

it's called words from a wooden shoe you reach in there's a random word inside our words you read the word and see if it inspires a story from your journey in life and you share the story it could be your life it could be someone you know it could be a family member but does it trigger some kind of story this random word

what have we got who farted in a bad place oh wow farted in a bad place oh geez everyone's done it guy and if you say no you're lying

I'm trying to think of a vivid fart story church movie theater on a date your mom's house funeral probably done all of them I mean there's a general thing

where you think you have enough time for the fart to dissipate you know you do some calculus okay like say you're on a date or something and you're using the bathroom and you're on the sidewalk

and you know you'll fart you're like all right that'll give it enough time you're doing like Chernobyl math like okay the half life of this fart it should be gone by the time she gets here and then she comes out of the bathroom a little soon you thought and this the wind isn't picking up this day right so it's really just stagnant

you're just sitting in it oh and she walks into it and then yeah yeah yeah and you can still now i'm just looking at her face the whole time to see if i get a cue of what's going on like the slightest titch yeah just like that's that's very yeah yeah yeah that little something's a miss that's super nerve-wracking, just did I get away with this? You really are an engineer. I guess so. Like the way you broke that down so technically and did the math and the timing. Yeah, fart math.

Wow. Yeah. It just makes sense that way. Do you have enough time to pull this off? Will it dissipate in time? And was there ever one where you didn't pull it off? And she clearly was like, whoa, dude. Sometimes I don't know if they smell it and they're just being nice.

Right. Like they don't want to. But there was never one. One where she called you out and just went, come on, bro. Were you a Waffle House this morning? Like, she didn't call you out? No, I've never had a call out like that. Okay.

But my brother sometimes, like, I'll use the bathroom. I use what a bathroom is for. Yeah. And then he was going there and be like, dude, fucking reeks. And I'm like, yeah, I took a shit. Like, dude, stinks. He's trying to make me feel bad about what you're supposed to do in there. dude

yeah do you do a match like did you grow up with a match when you fart or like use the toilet we burn a pine branch we keep like full pine branches in the bathroom my sisters were real fatties

so we'd burn a whole pine log sometimes a three hour fire log sometimes they do the three hour fire logs would you have to do math like depending on how big of a turd you go this is going to be a hefty The math was real easy It was like fat sister

Giant shit We're all equals We're all gonna die That was the equation So they either burned Like a tree branch Like a pine tree branch Or we just left the house

For about four hours We went to a movie Like it's fumigating the house Yeah You just put a carnival tent over the house Put a tent over Come back There's dead roaches and ants

All over the floor Their little legs Wiggling for the last time That's so sad So in a way they were doing Us a service have you had a fart in a bad place memory

maybe would you share I'd sunny would you tell us I don't use that service I use AT&T would you

I don't like cows a vegetarian would you expunge this tale folks I would expunge all day long we're out of time

Fahim tell people where they can see you I know you have a special on YouTube you can watch it tell them where you're touring where they can see all this stuff your social media let it rip guy Thank you for having me Harlan

Fahim Anwar on YouTube for Heem Anor on Instagram for Heemannor comedy on TikTok I have specials on YouTube Just check out my specials on YouTube Nope not gonna let you throw it away like that Build it up big and beautiful You deserve it, come on

I have three specials on YouTube One is called there's no business like show business The other one is called Hat Trick Filmed in all three rooms at the Comedy Store The most recent one was called House Money I have one in the works I'm almost done at my tour I have La Jolla coming up June 6th to 8th

Go there if you can And then I think I'm gonna put out just a long thing of all the jokes that aren't going to make the special called the not special special two because one already exists. Oh wow. So YouTube check that out,

the not special special two. And then I do a series called Fahim works on stuff. Yes. And it's just me working on bits and I put that out like biweekly. So check that out if you want. Subscribe to my YouTube.

I'm trying to get on Harlan's level. Thank you so much for this opportunity and bringing me on. Thank you for the seeds and the flowers that are growing in my head. Thank you for reiterating that. I'm not going to light up a floor of office workers.

I would never do that. I love humanity. No. And I love comedy, and I love you, and I love Dave from the truck stop, and I love Billy, all the people, all the year of you, all of your 13 people you said. You know all this love talk? You know what it's doing? It's making me want to spill my seed.

Oh, word games right to the very end. Did you just headbut my seed? No, I just spilled one seed. I tried to spill more seeds off my head, yeah. Oh, wait, wait. keep going. Yeah, the one just flew. Yeah, they're flying off.

He's spilling his seed. Here, there it is. Yeah, we just both spilled so much seed on this table. Folks, that's it for today. Thanks for being here. Bahim, thank you for being here, my guy. Folks, that's it for the Holland Highway podcast. Until next time, chicken chowmaine, everybody.

Take us out, brother. Play that bass. Oh, I just stretched my nuts. I did this and I stretched my... Yeah, I got to stop. Don't go. Keep it down here. I just stretched. I think I just pulled my left ball.

It's over. It's over? Yeah, I got it. We'll have fun. Let's fuck out next time once again. See you tonight at Oprah's? See it at Oprah's. I'll bring the cake.

Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh? You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. Give me some talking points. We go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the cameo app on your phone or to cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.