The Harland Highway - FELIPE ESPARZA Talks Baby Mamas, Breaks Bad, & Throws Down a Mean Sock Check!

Episode Date: November 19, 2024

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And I was partying hard, man, like really parting? And I ordered baking soda and, I ordered baking soda. a spoon from room service. Okay. And they brought it. I wanted to rock up the powder. What does that mean rock up the powder? I wanted to rock it up to make the cocaine into crack.

Wait, you know how to do that? Yeah. So that's why I needed a baking soda and I needed a big spoon. Hello, Breaking Bad. Yeah. What's the difference between the high from Coke and crack? Well, the high from Coke is cocaine, you know, It has to go and you know

then travel down into your nervous system You know crack It's like instant So you've done both Yeah But what one did you like better Coke or crack Both

Good answer Yeah man You're riding down the Harland Highway All right Hold tight on the Harland Highway show Do you like the cans or no? What's that?

The cans? Yeah. You like them or no? Yeah. You dig them? I like them. You like. Daddy like.

Does anyone ever call you Daddy or no? No. So if I did it, would it be off? You're the first one. Really? My own kids don't call me daddy. What do they call you? Philippe.

Really? Yeah. Wait. How old are these kids? Um, they're like in 20, late 20s, early 20s. Oh, okay, but when they're little kids, they called you daddy, right? No, I didn't grow up with them. You, oh, you sent them away.

Oh. Wait, let me fix this because it's all, it's all, like, right in your face. There we go. Right here, right? That's better. Where do I look? This way. Oh, you look at me.

Okay. we're talking you look you look here when we go out when we go to dinner the window i want you to look at me and talk to me god are you a weird eye contact guy no so maybe we could stare at each other's eyes and talk for an hour yeah oh buddy what'd you do to your finger i got to ask because that's going to drive me nuts i got to be by a dog come on yeah i was playing um with a dog with a ball yeah but the dog's upset with a ball so when i was in paying attention he tried to grab the ball off my hand he bit me like deep like is that are we into tendons and bone no no no it's a surface bite surface the skin is peeling so maybe not even worthy of

such a dramatic band-a no i couldn't find a regular banding so what is that is that Kleenex no it's the um um um um i guess first aid tape gauz gauze gauze yeah is that is it a strip of gauze a whole strip yeah so you're wearing the gaza strip yeah hey oh there's the first one there's the first uh buddy welcome sneaky seek right wow see that's how i get political i just slide in the gaza strip uh that's a good Felipe's here, ladies and gentlemen. And I want to get the last name right because I always mess it up. Every time we meet, Esparza.

Yeah, Esparza. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Hauna Highway podcast with Felipe Asparza. And I like that last name. But it reminds me, it's a Latino name, right? Yes, Spanish. But because it. And don't get offended.

Do you get offended easy? No. It sort of reminds me, as a Canadian guy, it feels like some kind of Latino, almost a vegetable, like in the celery family. Like, could I get some more asparza waiter? Oh, I thought you're going to say asparagus. Well, see, that's what I mean.

It's in that wheelhouse. Like a sparsa feels like some kind of green. Is it a veggie? What does it even mean? mean asparza i have no idea what the age i think it means i don't know i don't know but i know it's a town somewhere in and in um spas yeah a spars somewhere in um the the basque area of spas yeah there's a little section of um a little town called espaza like how little are we talking we're talking small like a quaint little seaside village small see now that the way you said that

I'm picturing the town folk. Like if you would have grabbed all these sparsas in the world? Yeah. There's more sparsas outside of the out of Spain than they are sparsas in Spain. So there's more esparses out of our sparsa than are into spars. Yes. See, but I'm picturing because you said it's a small little town, I'm picturing them harvesting a spaza in the sparsa fields.

I've never been there, but I'm pretty sure it's a small town because every time I'm Wikipedia, I only see fields, and I don't see buildings. And you know what's in those fields? No, guess again, guess what's in those fields? Sparsas. Guy. We just forget, what's that thing, Ancestry.com or Heritage 21? I did that.

Yeah, but we just figured it out right now. You come from a long line of Asparza Harvesters, from Asparza. I did my ancestor of DNA. What'd you find out? They opened up another child support case on me. No. Brum, pamp, no. They found my DNA.

I'm connected to two bank robberies and a murder scene. Are you really? No. They did mine. I found out. I had no idea. I'm the Hillside Strangler. Hell yeah.

Did you know that? Yeah. Unreal. The highway strangler. Oh, that's right. The Harland Highway Strangler. She is. of that, Asparza.

Yeah, I came out to be 39% Native American. What tribe? Casino coming soon. I don't know, man. I have no idea. That's another $99 to look that up. To find out what tribe? To what tribe.

Are we all, though, because apparently the native indigenous folks were here first. Yes. Does that mean we all trace back to that, each and every one of us? I think I do. I think anybody with brown skin living in America could trace theirs. skin back to some time some colonizer and um where do i trace mine to then vikings bro vikings yeah oh yeah only one person has come up 100% what who coin o'brien he came up 100% 100% Irish yeah but he's almost like a hundred percent he had a go a bucket of gold and everything

yeah charms yeah he's paste that guy's pasting. And also came out 11% Greek-Italian. Melapela. You are? Yeah. And the DNA, court of DNA. Wow, dude. And 9% black, African-American. You are? From the Ivory Coast, man. Really? Come back to the Avricotsman. Wow. That's where they make pianos, isn't it? I don't have no idea, man, but have that foo-foo ready. The foo-foo? What's Fufu? Foo-Fu is, um...

You know how Latinos we eat, well, not I won't say all Latinos, but Mexicans. Yeah. We eat tortillas with our food and Colombians. They eat some type of other shit. Yeah. And whatever, they eat a goo cow foo, which is like a doughy thing. They put it in their fingers, and they stick it to their beef or their goat or whatever they're eating. They put in their mouth.

What's it made out of? I would say it made out of flour or rice flour or some type of. of I have a new recipe that I'd like to present to the Latino community since we're talking about food.

You like tacos, obviously. We all love tacos. I came up with, if I could show you the recipe, it's a lot of fun. You get beans, right?

And I do this thing, I call them sacos instead of tacos. And what you do, my guy, is you get the, you get the dry like beans. You just pour them right here, right in a sock like this, right?

You just pour them right in. It's a little messy. It takes a little while. But when you think of it, it's a faster recipe than making a roast beef. So now you've got a fresh socko, right? You can use it as one of these beanbag things on the airplane. But then if you want some tea, you dip it in hot water. Soco, instead of a taco.

Or you could beat somebody with it. Whoa, yeah. Whoa. Yeah. Man, like in that movie. Bad boys. I don't know that bad boys, one and the other one. Wow.

Oh, man. I was that movie, Formula Jackets. Smack, man. be daddy. So now you have refried beans. Yeah. All you got to do now, I put like,

yeah. Boil them and hot water, man. Oh, yeah. And I think there's some fungus and the tip of these feet, so you got to have cheesy, cheesy beans,

cheesy bean burritos. That's not a bad idea, though, right? That's not a bad idea. Socos. But I think of the bean would cook on a piece of sock. Yeah.

If I was in prison, and had no choice. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you can soak that in boiled water. You're drinking bean tea all night in Pelican Bay. Are you hungry? Sock, chick. Yeah.

You hungry? Soco. Come on, kids. Come on, kids. Eat your stupid dinner. Eat your socko, kids. Oh, food that hurts. You can't have no pudding unless you eat your beans.

Damn. Um, but I love the, uh, I'm, I feel bad about that dog to bit you. Did you, did you, it's my dog? It's a rescue dog. A rescue dog. Where'd you rescue it from? Down the street right here on Van Ice. No way.

Yeah, he was, he was, um, hanging up by the freeway and it was like a hundred and nine degrees. Oh, no. So I picked, um, I grabbed them. First I tried to grab them, but I couldn't grab him, but then there's old white lady came out. Oh. And she was like the dog whisperer and she sat down on the floor. and a dog came to her, and she held them, and then I wrapped him,

and I put him in a car. What about, why didn't you do a rescue old lady? Feels like you had a two-and-one right there. That old lady was on the way to the hospital for surgery. The dog bit her, too? Nah. What was her surgery for? I have no idea.

I'm, I'm more concerned about the dog. Yeah, we all are, right? Humans, we love animals. We can't stand humans. No, man. When you go to the grocery store, and they got the thing, you know, the children, with cystic fibrosis box.

And then you got the Humane Society box. The Humane Society box always full of money. The one for demented diseased kids, empty. Empty. We hate people. Why? I don't know, man. Unless in my neighborhood, like if somebody dies and they need money for the funeral,

they will put his photo on a jar, like a pickle jar, and then people will put money in it. Oh, shit. Oh. I know that guy, Carlos, and he put like a dollar. But he's dad. I know. Somebody keeps that money.

I don't know who. Wow, maybe they're going to buy some more pickles. Or some more Budweiser. Oh, God. Do you drink the bud? No, I don't drink no more. Oh, really? No.

Oh, why did you have a problem? Yeah. Like big time? No problem. Everybody said I had a problem. I just want to keep on drinking. And, yeah. But see, I'm one of the people that,

like yeah like i just cannot like some that's why like if i was some people drink socially like don't just have a beer you know and yeah yeah like they're talking and they're babysitting it i can't do that man i'm like i start drinking right now i'll drink for five days straight you can do that no i can't i could if i wanted to but i want to yeah see i can't do that like if i know I'm leaving on Friday. I'm leaving Friday. Yeah. So I would start, I will start today, what's the day, Tuesday, and then I will keep going to like Thursday, Thursday, 4 p.m. And then I caught a sleep around 7 p.m. and get ready for my flight. And, hey folks, let me take a minute here to talk about something special for

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Happy sleeping, sweet dreams, and I hope you're bored. but are you like are you like did you get floppy drunk like like or were you still like were you still coherent enough that you could just keep partying or were you just like out of it like a like a messy drop doing other drugs to keep it to maintain it so you'd take drugs to balance out the booze yeah so you're like a full-on party machine yeah party machine man you're like animal from the muppets yeah man oh dude I went to a party one time man here in the valley yeah and um it was a cut they needed comedians they went to the comedy store and he goes you're new comedians yeah and they said yeah what type of show so it was like two in the morning oh no so all the great comics the famous ones they were gone so my friend was there and he go i was in monta ballo doing a show and and that show is at midnight yeah so he was calling other comics that have shows that end at midnight or start at midnight

Yeah. So it cost me up. He goes, how much? It goes, $200. Okay, I'll do it. Yeah. So I rushed over there, and then they caught another comedian. So those three comedians.

And the show started at 2.30 in the morning. Oh, come on. Yeah, I'll get a gig. So we get there, and, man, everybody is partying, man. Yeah. And they got like an arcade section in the house. Oh, wow. They have, the whole house is fixed up with no outside light coming.

in. It's like Vegas. You don't even know what time it is. And the temperature of the house stood the same. And there was a, this part, this house was made for partying. Outside, they had, they had those, um, you know how sometimes, well, many times, you know, you've been to college parties and everybody pees outside. Yeah. But this guy had urinald was outside. He had urinal installed to the back of the side of his house. Like a porcelain urinal. Yeah, porcelain urinal. A long one Like we do at the one day They have a Dodger Stadium I used to have

And everybody just pieced together Yeah was like a trough Yes he has one of those Yeah And the back of the house And then he had a special little house With a record player playing jazz music And they were for just pot pannets

What the hell A jacuzzi for anybody that wants to get naked There was a sign that said No crack smoking or meth smoking Wow But inside People were partying man man it sounds like this got more money than $200 for you i know man but everybody was parting a lot

there was like a security guard outside of the house making sure like checking everybody in i think he was like a l-a-d moon lighting yeah but inside the house man there was um there was drugs but they were not like open like if you're in that if you're in that crowd though yeah yeah you knew where they were but if you're not you don't know where they're at so man i'd rather way knew where they were you know what was there oh man they had um coke yes but they had it in um in nasal sprays so the coke you know so like when um if you're listening if you ever done with coke sometimes you get a little bump stuck right here so you're gonna be like joe diaz right cock'sucker you gotta put a bit of water in it yeah yeah yeah so you put a bit of water in it you know to like

get it out dissolve it so this guy had little bottles that was full of three quarters of it was like coke and the rest was water so you just mix it up and then you just you just shoot you shoot water in it with yeah and that was available in that party but they were hidden all over the house like little Easter eggs yeah yeah coke eggs yeah man oh god and you were just you were just going for it Well, I didn't know where they were at first So after I did my show And then somebody told me, you know

He was hiding them I saw a guy trying to bite his ear And I said, okay, this guy's party Oh man Is that the why is it so Would you say the Hollywood parties The people always have this vision That Hollywood Hills are full of like crazy parties

I don't get it man Because I don't I never met these women The women I party with Party like Oh my God Who's gonna pick up my kids from school Really? Like housewives? Yeah, housewives, single moms,

you know, women with kids. I never party with women like crazy women. You didn't? Like strippers? I never party with women that's trying to get into movies. Really? How come? They're just trying to get by.

Yeah, they're just like, yeah. They just want to pay the rent and get the groceries. It's the groceries, man. Coupon girls, we call those. Do a little bump on the side. Wow. So you never, you never, You never went to a full-on, like, Hollywood, like, Playboy Mansion party or anything like that?

I went to a Playboy Mansion once. Here we go. Here we go. When I won last comic standing. And I did a show with Jeffrey Ross. Yeah. And Richard Little. Oh, he's small. Yeah.

You know Richard Little? I know his brother Stuart Little. Rich Little. He was eaten by a cat. Yeah, man. Who am I? Rich Little. Oh, Rich Little.

Rich Little. The Impressionist. Oh, my God. And I think, what's the name was there to, Tony Hitchcliffe? Oh, Tony, yeah. Yeah, he was like a new comic. He was just hanging around with Jeffrey. And we did a show there, and everybody was telling me that, oh, man, this is like the most calmest part I've been to.

And it was calm. It was like a lot of kids. What, at the Playboy Mansion? Yeah, it was sad, bro. It sounds like a family picnic. Hugh Hefner was there with his new wife And his kids were there They were younger than his wife

Oh They were older than his wife And there was a lot of Disney actors there Oh, that stinks I went to one party There were no party There were no naked chicks Yeah

And then people were telling me My father went there like 10 years ago They were full-on orgy But there was none of that when I was there Were you bombed? Yeah You like a good orgy Yeah, I want to watch

You don't want to get into it I want to get into it But I want to be the last man out And everybody knows it is Yeah, so you're like You're like the alpha Yeah Alpha male

I like to come in and then pull out And then come in there Try different ones first Yeah Pop and drop Yeah It's like when you go to Buy a new mattress

You go in the mattress store You lay on all the mattresses And then you finally I know you You want to be like The sit and sleep guy Yeah Then I just go home with a number bed

Yeah But I want to get back to this dog I don't know why I'm obsessed with the dog So you found a dog under a bridge Yeah, in the freeway And you're certain it was like a free range dog Like there isn't some family somewhere going No, where's sparky

I took him to home, I washed him up Played with him fed him Then I took him to a vet He was chipped. See? His real name was Logan, and he was already fixed. But nobody claimed them. It's been like three months went by, nobody claimed them.

But doesn't the chip give you the address and the phone number? Give you the phone number, and you leave a message, but they don't call back. Oh, so you called? They called, and they never called back. The vet called, too, they never called back. Logan's run. What kind of dog is it? It's a pep bull.

Oh, a pit bull, no wonder. Yeah. Yeah, so we kept them. Oh, wow. Is he mean? No, he's not mean. what color um beige the color that um that wood yeah oh maybe he's a wood with a white um thing and oh what a darling and what'd you name him because did you keep it at logan no bub kiss

butt kiss yeah butt kiss why like rocky's dog is that what it was yeah how does a dog get reprogrammed though because when you're a puppy and your name is Logan and all you respond to is Logan dinner Logan sit Logan let's go for a walk how do you go from Logan to butt kiss

and how does a dog know how to rewire I don't know man I don't know I think a dog just goes with whatever name who feeds them I'll be a piece of shit if they give me food yeah it's always weird too when you see dogs in other countries

and like Germans are going Schlaish Wiesklauggen-klagen Yeah And you're like Wait dogs don't know German I know like There's a neighbor of mine

Yeah And he rescues dogs in Mexico So he has like like 50 dogs They're all rescued He has a house in Mexico In Tijuana And he has a house About where I live

Yeah And he's a retired old white guy And he has like 50 dogs Right So he brings them he had like 10 of them here in America and every time we pass by his dogs bark at my dog

and then we passed my dog doesn't react to them right so then I look at my dog oh I know what you mean you don't speak Spanish I know it's weird right it's so weird so the dogs are barking at my dog

but my dog doesn't react you don't speak Spanish I understand no compreendo no compre They got this dog from Mexico over here, barking in Spanish. Yeah. Isn't it weird? When you, whenever I see a dog and someone's talking to it in another language, I just automatically, all they understand is sit, heel, beg, shake a paw.

But you can say that in any language. I know, man. It's weird. They speaking in German with him. Hey, isn't sheized? Yeah. Das is an schise on the carpet. Yeah, it's not cool.

Or a deaf guy. How do he communicate with a dog? Oh, shit. No. Do dogs understand sign language? There are some dogs that are deaf, and they understand sign. Is that right?

Yeah. Like what breed? Like the Scottish Helen Keller or something? Yes. The Keller? Or the, or the, um, Hush, Pee, B wonder. Yeah, it's dog.

The dogs fascinate me, man. That's why I'm asking. But now that's a pit bull that bit your finger. Yeah. Why did he do it? Was it just an accident? Yeah, because I was throwing a ball, and he normally goes it or something. I just hold it in my hand.

Oh. But I just told him, I had it too low. He was trying to snatch it off my hand. Snatch. So it's an accident. Speaking of throwing, has anyone ever thrown a bottle of olive oil at your elbow? No. Are you sure?

No. No, I got hit with a bottle. A bottle of aloeba never got thrown at me. Oh, so what do you mean you got hit by it? Oh, man, my baby mama, we were fighting, and she hit me with a bottle of olive oil. On the elbow? On my elbow.

Maron. Yeah, why? What was the fight about? I don't remember, man. And she just... I should have pressed charges on that bitch. Your wife. Yeah, my ex.

Oh, your ex did it. Oh, yeah. She physically... Is that weird? Because I've never had that. Whereas a guy, you always... always hear domestic abuse. It's always the guy hitting the woman. I've never been in a scenario where a woman's come at me like that. Yeah. Was that a frequent thing or was that just a one-off,

the olive oil assault? That's the one that I can remember. And can you really hit anyone with something that's a lubricant? No, it was an olive oil comes in a bottle, a glass bottle. Right, a thick green bottle. Yeah, it was the one that's old. It's shaped like a cone, you know which one? Oh, damn. He could hold a bottom of it i got beat around the head with a bottle of newman's own olive oil once unbelievable so what that yeah that was that yeah and it was just one hit just one hit dude you should have picked up a sock oh and just like let's go let's go ex-wife sure there's something yeah so how many wives have you had none just one I've never been married I only been married officially one time.

And that was the one that beat you. No, that was when I was in high school. Excuse me? Well, the girl I was dating with, I was in my 20s or, yeah, 20s. You got married at high school? Never got buried. Oh. Only been married once.

Wait, you've never been married, but you've only been married once. I've been married once with my wife now, but before that I would never marry. Oh, the wife now. Yeah. How long have you been with her? Since 2014. Okay, and has she ever hit you with any vegetable oils or Crisco or butter or ranch dressing? She's a white woman.

They're cool, man. Why did you pick a white woman? I'm curious. Just fell in love. You weren't looking for a white woman. I wasn't looking, man. It just fell in your lap. It just happens, man.

Did that surprise you as a Latino guy? Did you ever go, hey, I would never marry a white or you don't care. It could be anybody. No, man, but a lot of my, a lot of people who are, I grew up with. We grew up watching white women on TV. Like the Brady Bunch and the Brady Bunch and Bionic woman. Oh, you thought she was Bionic.

And fucking Dukes of Hazard. Oh, crazy dudes. All the truck drivers from BJ and the Bears. Oh, you thought you were getting that. They were throwing white bitches at me. What are I supposed to do? Yeah. You thought you were getting a bionic chick with cut off blue jeans shorts.

Hell yeah, man. Oh, dude. And are you happy with the decision? Did you like the white woman? Yeah. You do. You must love her. You married her.

Yeah. You had kids with her. No kids. Oh. I thought you said you had kids when you first sat down. No, I had kids, but with my baby mama when I was a teenager. So baby mama's not a wife. Baby mama's just, explain baby mama to me.

I actually have never had this conversation. If you have a girlfriend and you're not married, people might consider her. That's your baby mama. Oh, okay. And then you break up with her, and she's going to always be your baby mama. Yeah, because you have kids together. She's your son's mom, your baby mama.

Do you still? Baby mama, drama, baby mama problems. Yeah. Yeah, and do you still talk to her? No, we don't talk. Not even through the kids? No. Oh, wow.

So it ended badly, huh? Well, you got a thing you get hit with olive oil. You got a. Look, when I won last comment, standing, my son's mom, that one, she filed for child support, and she became the last baby mama standing. Oh, man. Dude, that's, was that a bit low?

No, but I don't, but by that time, oh, they pissed because, you know, it was like, it's like when you gamble with $200, and then you raise it to, what, 10,000. Yeah. And then you lose everything and you come back to 100. You only last to 100. Yeah. I got you. So that money was never mine, so they just, what they gave me, but what they gave me.

Was she Latino or was she white? She's Latina. Latina. I said Latino. Latina's the... They're both correct. It is? Yeah.

So you could call a Latina girl a Latino? Yeah. And that's not offensive? That's not offensive. Why can I say both? Because that's the way it works in Spanish language, I guess. That's like when you call an actress, an actor. Yeah.

but that's not Spanish what's going on here guy what's going on here what the hell's going on here is fam fam you know what I love about Latinos is it Latinos I say yeah I've always found that Latinos have a real affinity for family I've always felt like Latino people I know

family's very important and they keep family closer than let's say honking Jive, which is what I call myself. Hockey Jive. Or Jive Honky, if you prefer. He was my only son. That's where Gene Pompas is. Oh, yeah.

I love Gene. But is that true in Latino culture that the family is like a pretty important thing? Or is it... Because I find with my culture, it's just sort of like family. It's not quite as tight. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, no. what you mean.

Am I wrong with this? Am I way off track? Because if you're white, you know, you could make it as a stand-up comedian or a sports or an actor or make it something, make it. Yeah. But you can make it without having survivor's guilt. Like you could be successful without your brother being successful.

Like you don't give a fuck if he didn't make it. You know, fuck him, you know, and that's fine. Yeah. That's the way you guys think. But we don't have that. You don't? Why? I don't know why.

A lot of, like, of a person, a Latino guy makes it. Yeah. At the back of your head, you're like, you got people bringing you down. Like, you got a crackhead brother to look out for. Okay. You know, you got your mom that wants $200 a week. Like, why people can make it and not have to give their money, their mom money. Yeah.

Not like Italian moms and everybody else. They want to check. Yeah. Yeah, right. They want to, they feel like they're old something. What is that? White moms, don't feel like they're old anything, man. They just want to raise kids.

Latino and black moms, like their son makes it to the NFL. Oh, we both made it. Yeah. Nah, bitch, he made it. You were at home. Yeah. Where's my house? Yeah, because when a Latino makes it, they feel like we all made it.

Yeah. I made it. You didn't make it, bro. I was the one doing open mics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I see a lot of these, something. times I'll see a lot of the, uh, the bumper sticker on the window, my familia. Me familia.

Me familia. And it's like the little stick figures. I always find that sad, you know. Why? Because sometimes you see a stick figure and somebody scratched out the dad. It's like, it's no more, see, he's no longer in the familia. They just, you know, it always find that even more funnier, how fucked up was this bitch? Yeah.

To go out there and scratch out the dad from the familia. And what was she thinking? And she got a pocket knife or, Micho, give me the knife. I'm going to scratch all your father. And they're saying, no, mommy. Yeah. That's our father. It's like my familiar, but just the top of his head and a leg.

And everything else is gone. And that's always a lot of, a lot of, it's sad to say that, but a lot of people who don't have a lot of money, they'll put stickers, like, go USA or MAGA, under cars, just to draw attention from the fact that they're driving without a driver license and auto insurance. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers.

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I feel like the old lady from the, from those, from the, from the fucking Johnny Carson Rose. Edith, whatever her name is. Oh, yeah. Ruth Buzzy. Ruth Buzzy. Hey. You mash her.

You masha, you. I wonder if ants could put one of those my familial stickers on the back of a minivan. Probably not. What ants? Like how many members? an ant family, like 300,000? 300,000 plus the ones that went out to scatter and look for water and not going to come back.

You're not... The one that gets smashed. Yeah, you're not fitting that family on a minivan window, an ant family. They can't do it. Ants can do a lot, but they can't have the my familia stickers. Can't have it, man.

Too many. Too many. My family, amelia. My family. Yeah. Do you hate ants? Ant? I hate uncles.

Oh, I don't blame you. Yeah. I don't mind ants, but sometimes, man, I guess during summer they make it in the house. How do you deal? I pee on them, no. You pee on the ants. I don't know what to do. I don't know how they just end up leaving somehow.

No matter what you do, they end up leaving. You want to know what you do is there's this stuff you can get at Home Depot. A little liquid thing? Yeah, and it's in a big thing. It comes with a one, and it's a perimeter thing, and you just, you can use it inside and outside, and it totally, to hell with the ants, my guy. They're Dunskis.

Those ants are Dunskis. Dunskis. Yeah, fucking ants. Mosquitoes. Oh, mosquito, man. We had mosquitoes last summer for the first time. What do you mean? Well, they're never mosquitoes in my neighborhood,

but this time they were, they were biting the shit. I mean, man. Why were they suddenly there, were never there before. I guess there's a lot of water or more people have swim pools in the neighborhood or there's water in the river. Yeah. That's where they breed.

Yeah. People don't know that. Or maybe there's a guy with, or maybe there's like 30 swim pools that the water full of algae now. Yeah. So they got to hang out right there. They didn't clean them. They didn't clean. Yeah.

That's where you get West Nile virus. Mosquito bites, malaria. West Nile. West Nile. What's up, West Nile? Gang. Gang, gang. Have you ever heard that term where guys talk like that?

They go, hey, what's up, gang? No, no, don't be playing me like that, gang. They throw the word gang in now as like a regular word. The whole gang was there. Have you heard that slang? Only the little rascals. The little rascal gang. Oh, God.

The whole gang was there. Hey, gang. Oh, those little rascals, remember? Those little kids. Those little, those little. actor kids come out kind of creepy. Yes. Like, I remember I watched,

when I saw the little rascals for the first time as a kid, fucking, I died laughing. Like, I couldn't stop laughing. It was the funniest thing to me to see little kids acting. Yeah, me too. Fuck me, tender.

Yeah, I died at the little rascals. You do? Yeah. I want to kill the little rascals is what I want to do. I remember this episode, That was what I saw with alfalfa. Yeah, alfalfa.

They will put up the little shows, the little singing shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they were box. Yeah, yeah. They will go camping. Yeah. Yeah, those fucking kids. Who would name their kid after a vegetable sprout?

Buckwheat. Buckwheat. Elfalfa. Alfalfa. If had Jeffrey Dahmer ever moved into that neighbor, those kids would be breakfast. Where's alfalfa? Where's brisket? Oh, fucking.

brisket. Where's, where's cheese blints? Cheese blins, man. Where's full moon over my hammy? Hello. Where's Monte Cristo? Oh, I think that's on your elbow. Isn't that what your wife hit you with? Yeah, it was.

So I read about you, speaking of family, and if you don't want to go there, for me it's actually fascinating. And if it's too touchy, I don't want to go there. But I read about you that you can. came to the U.S. vis-a-vis through a coyote. Yes. That fact,

can we talk about that or is that too? Snuck in a fair and square. But talk to me about like, like this is like fascinating. Like how does one acquire a coyote? Like what do they like when they're driving? Are they chatty? Are they meaned?

Are they carrying hot heat? Are they like, so my sister was down at the thing today? Are they just like, like, what was it? I don't know. I was too little to know all this. I was two.

Two years old. Two or three. But I was old enough to know that we were sent back. What's that mean? When they got, when they got, when they stopped us, they sent us back to Mexico. Oh, shit. Yeah. Oh, they caught you with the border.

No, we were, we made it cross the border. Okay. But there was like a second checkpoint in Sacramento, California. Oh. And right there, who they stopped us. and they arrested us and we were released in Mexico. How do you arrest a two-year-old? Do they even make handcuffs that small?

I don't know. I don't remember much of it. I just know that we were separated from my mom and we were in a room eating sandwiches and watching cartoons. And then like four hours later, we're back outside in Mexico with my mom and that was it.

I can't imagine arresting a two-year-old. Freeze! Eh! Like, two-year-olds don't know how to freeze. Especially they don't know English. Yeah. They just want Gerbers. They allowed freeze.

I thought I meant freeze, so I'm standing in line. Yeah. I thought it was a freezing pop. Holy smoke. So two years old and how many? I must have been three because I was my brother and my other brother and my other brother. So it was three of us. Wow.

So it must have been like four, three years old and one year old. Or two years old. I don't know. And was that one of those whole? ordeals were your, was it just your mother or was it your mother and your father? No, my mother, my dad was already living over here. He was here? Yeah.

And was it one of those scenarios where she had to literally carry you through the barren desert? No, we were in a car. Oh, so you, okay, I always thought you had to go through the desert. Oh, you could, but those people that do that, they have no money. Okay, so you. So they have to struggle through the desert, though. Those people are, like, are coming, like, from South America. They're coming from Honduras.

They're coming from Venezuela. They're coming from Cuba. They're coming from Peru. So by the time they make it to Mexico, Tijuana, they have no money. Or they got robbed in the way there because it's a long journey for them. Yeah. So they're like going with a bunch of people through the desert. That's a different type of coyote.

That was more driving you, guiding you along the way through the desert. Yeah. The one that we were, it was instead of a car. And then there's a different one for Chinese people where they put you in a container, one of those big containers, and you make it, you make it to Mexico. And then from Mexico, you still got to do the same thing to make it across. You got a container full of Chinese? Yeah, their trip is expensive.

I know that their trip has to be at least $35,000 each. 35 grand to be in a container? I can fly on Delta first class, we're $1,200. But you can wide. You're wide. You could just go anywhere you want with no ID. Well, now, wait a minute. Let's not forget my half of the story.

I'm Canadian. I had to come through the border up in Canada. Let me tell you my horrific story. We don't have coyotes. We have the, there we call them caribou. So I had to meet a guy at the Dairy Queen, buy a delicious chocolate biz blizzard, go to the Peace Bridge, walk across, tell them I was just visiting an ant,

and then just start my life in America. That's funny. It was horrible. That's funny. You say that I saw a movie where there was a Canadian coyote in Canada. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. And they were bringing in illegal immigrants from Canada into Minnesota. That's what I just said.

And it was called Frozen River. And it was an old white lady. She would drive her car to somewhere in Canada. And they will put illegal immigrants in her car. And then she was driving in the middle of the night through the frozen ocean, the frozen river. Yeah, yeah. Because it's frozen. It's where you can drive across it.

So she crosses over to America through it every night. Yeah. With different illegal immigrants back and forth. It's like, though, that show, ice truckers. Yeah, exactly that. The ice gets so thick. You can literally drive a tank across that ice. Because that's how my cousins came in.

They ice skating in. Oh, wow. The ice skating. Yeah. Wow. Oh. How do you ice skate over a wall? Yeah, man, we got a, we got Mexicans coming in through Canada now in skis.

Yeah, they're finger skating through. They're doing pirouettes. Where you're from, East L.A. mate. Yeah, that's right. Wait, that's Australia. Wait, what? Hey. Hey, there it is.

Hey. Yeah, man. You know, when I was in, I did a show in Alberta. Yeah. and man that was like the most because you know where we're at go people think that they're going to be more like there's going to be a lot of Canadians

yeah there can be a lot of Canadians but they're brown Canadians like in my show in Alberta the majority of the audience was from El Salvador is that right? I couldn't believe it like there was Osabodoreans

the whole audience was Salvadorian and I couldn't believe it yeah and the opening act his name is Marito yeah he's from his parents are Salvador, he's a Salvadorian Canadian comedian. Huh.

And he didn't know a lot of the lingo, like the slang from Salvadorans in California. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Salvadorans say, Cerote, I mean putta, Serote. And Sorote means shithead, right?

But that's the way they talk. It's like, is their N-word. Like, hey, Serote, hey, serote. Really? But if I say it, it's derogatory. So he asked the comedian from Canada, he asked me, bro, what is I had to show him a picture of himself, sad.

But yeah, but he's not. But yeah, man, a lot of Salvadorians in fucking Alberta, Canada. Who would have known? You know what's interesting? You say that because I grew up in Canada. Where? In Toronto. So.

They're there too. But here's the deal. When I was a little boy, this is so weird because when I was a little boy, to my knowledge, to my knowledge, we didn't have any. Mexican people there. None. Like, I don't remember as a kid ever interact. I remember interacting with

black children, Asian kids, but not, there wasn't a lot, but never Mexican people. And then when I came, when I moved here, it was like, everything was like black, white, Latino. Everything. And it's like the Mexican presence was so huge

and it was like, it was like a culture shock to me because all I knew from Canada was like, we had this image of the Mexicans with the sombreros because they weren't up there at that point at least you know to my knowledge and when we were little kids this i'm talking in the 70s so it was it was really interesting when i moved here and i i was just immersed in the in all the mexican people and the culture and and what really struck me is how they divided everything up here instead of just people it was like

they they loved to they love to mix up the races here and separate everything it's so weird to me Like, you got, like, you got East, or most of East Los Angeles, which is, um, little Mexico. Yeah. Then you got Thai neighborhood. Yeah. Which in Hollywood was Thai, mixed with trans. Thai trans. Yeah.

That's a tongue twister. They used to be a lot of prostitutes in Thai Hollywood. There was? Yeah. When I took drive home from work, there was a lot of, like, trans women or trans men. Did you ever get with one? No, but I'll just flirt with them and try to get a free face. A feel.

A feel. Get a feel for their culture or get a physical feel. No, because sometimes they walk up to your car. Hey, Poppy. You're looking for a party? And I said, let me see. And then they'll show me the little boobs. So I'm not the first one that called you, Daddy.

And I said, no, I don't have no money. See, your language is so sexy. Even when you did the Nicaraguan shithead thing? Yeah. Can you call me that just because it sort of like gets me. my motor going. And with the grand puttas, Cerote. Can you sort of half-whisper it?

Cerote. Cerote. I forget what it means. You know, it's funny, man. Thank you. Thank you. But it doesn't translate the same because phone sex in English.

Yeah. It's much sex here in English than it is in Spanish. Why? Because in English, you say, what are you doing right now? Oh, I'm right here with my heavy vagina. I'm going to saw it off.

hairy it's too hairy I'm going to shave it off it's so wet right now immigration is looking for it ice watch out but if you translate it in Spanish it sounds ridiculous and it sounds funny let's hear it like

what you're doing puppy with the panocha peluda puppy I feel violated I'm going to start ruchana a very peluda puppy and the man mojada but I love

the migra, way. Ice, Vidal. How much do I owe you for that? Wow. It sounds funny, Spanish. You sound sexy to me. That sounds, I want to pay you for that.

I'm mojadita. Ice, Cuidado. How much, dude? How much do I owe you for that? That was gorgeous. Can I give you 80 bucks on the way out? $200 dollars in effectivo, eh?

E. I don't know, 200. 200. Dude, it was worth that. Unbelievable. That's what I like about when I go to Florida. Yeah. Because there's like, you know, like you said,

the whole culture of Mexico is in the West Coast. Yeah. It's all Mexican. Yeah. But in Florida, there's so many other cultures, so many Latino Cubans. Yeah. Peruvians, Colombia, especially, Panamanians,

Puerto Ricans that over there this woman got mad at me and she couldn't just say because she's mother of marijuana I was smoking the lobby outside the lobby but it came inside the lobby

and she was complaining and then they were asking her who was it instead of saying it was that Mexican man yeah what she said she said it was that Spanish man

I never heard that before so I felt like Antonio Banderas because signora because you have a bitchy putta but when she said that I felt like oh no wonder people say I look like Salma Hayek

yeah you do a little from that vampire movie she did yeah man the day of the dawn or night before yeah it was called oh my god Dust till dawn if you're Selma Hayek

you're that version people say it like Tomaheyek if you ordered on Timu Teen Wolf Timu Temu whatever it's called I think teen wolf applies too i think both i think both are applicable right dude wow it is sexy it is a sexy

sexy language it is no matter what you say when you're not like you speak french a little bit and putti per palé vu franca yeah a bit all canadians we we grew up tallabu trebriano wow okay yeah yeah you know a little french i took german in high school too yeah i took german in high school too Yeah, I took a little German. Expression in Deutsch, next to a good. Oh, wow. So you can talk to your dog in multiple languages. Oh, too.

You can turn to me die, nah. I took me in high school. Your highest. You just earned another 80 bucks. Yeah, man. You didn't turn it me on with your languages. But what I really want to learn, I want to learn how to speak Dutch. Why?

Hutton Morgan Oh, good morning Yeah Don't see Why? You want to be like a telitubby No, just want to learn how to speak it Dutch I would love it if you were a telitubby

I would love it if you were a telitubby I should I show scared the shit I mean man I know That little baby by the son I know what the fuck he's saying man Pata patta baby Tinky winky

But imagine you running around You're the only teletubby with a beard And wild hair that'd be nice what would your name be if you were a telitubby I don't know I don't think I'll make it

to a television because remember when they thought that one was gay they tried to cancel him they thought one of the telitubbies was gay back in the day that they were saying

something about them being gay aren't they all gay they were trying to cancel them so I don't think I'll make it to a tallytuby I'll be the first tally tubby

that was teleported out of the tele-tuby cartoon for being illegally you're a telotuby ported I'll be a brown one A brown telotubby. But what would a Spanish name for a telotubby be, do you think?

It's got to be, because we got tinky wink, tubby wubby, gumble blumps. What with the Spanish? It's got to be, I don't know. Is there a cute little goofy Spanish telotubby? Loco moco. what does it mean i know what loco means what's moco booger oh yeah perfect yeah loco moco and then on top it would be a handkerchief or a satellite dish a satellite dish oh my god all right so speaking of um dutch

you ready yeah our final segment and then we're going to promote mode, all your stuff. Yeah. Oh, shit. This is an authentic Dutch clog. We do a segment with all our beautiful guests. It's called Words from a Wooden Shoe. You reach inside.

There's a word, a random word. See if that word triggers a memory from your journey in life. This is a real one? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. See if that word triggers a story or someone you knew or something that happened to you or. Room service.

Oh, here we go. Any good room service stories? Yeah, one time I was in Dallas. Here we go. I was at the hotel. Yeah, at the hotel. Yeah. And I was parting hard, man.

Like, really parting. Oh. And I ordered baking soda and a spoon from room service. Okay. And they brought it. And did you snort it? They brought it, man. It was the front desk guy and a security guard.

Did you really do that? I feel like you really did that. And I remember the... Did you? Yeah. I remember the security guard. Yeah. I asked the front of the security guard with you.

He goes, oh, man. When I told him that you order a spoon and baking soda, he wanted to see your face. And what were your loco? What's the name? Locco, moco, bro. Because back then, bro, I was in love with the cocoa. Locomoco do the cocoa.

I'm in love with a cocoa. I got the baking soda, baking soda, baking soda, baking soda. I'm in love with the cocoa. Oh, yeah, man, I was partying really hard. And I wanted to go Jack City, new Jack City on them. What do you mean? I wanted to rock it up. I wanted to rock it up the, oh.

I wanted to rock up the powder. Oh, wow. But I didn't, I don't want to go to Walmart that it was too late. What does that mean rock up the powder? I wanted to rock it up to make the cocaine into crack. Wait, you know how to do that? Yeah. So that's why I needed a baking soda and I needed a big spoon.

Oh, so this was for real. Yeah. Hello, Breaking Bad. Yeah. So I wanted to get the spoon and put the baking soda in there. or so like a little bit of water and then the cocaine and then you let it burn off and it turns into like a big pallet of crack.

Get out. So what's the difference between the high from Coke and crack? Well, the high from coke is cocaine, you know, it has to go and you know, then travel down into your nervous system, you know, to get you really high. And is it a nice high? And then with crack, it's like instant,

which is why people get so addicted to it Because it's instant, and then it goes away as fast as they came. That's the sad part. How long does, if you do crack, it's gone in like 10 seconds? It's gone like in 15, 10 seconds. You're done. Oh, no. You know you want to.

So you've done both. Yeah. I don't do it no more. I've been so worse since 2009. Good for you, man. Well, what one did you like better? Coke or crack? Both.

Good answer. Correct answer. Both. Moco, moco. Yeah, man. The only telitubby that doesn't both. He comes with a wing and missing a back tooth. The party tooth.

Yeah, yeah. Hey everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one.

very own personalized Harland. Yeah, man, so yeah. Wow. I think, yeah, I think it was. That is hilarious. So that actually happened. Yeah, it was. But you know what's funny, man, we heard a funny story.

Yeah. The front desk guy. Yeah. He's good friends with Pablo Francisco. Oh, yeah. Right? Party Francisco parties. I don't know if still parties, but.

Yeah. That guy used to have real bad grill, a real bad grill. Yeah. Yeah. He had, like, bad teeth, but he was a good front desk guy. Like, like, one of those guys that goes an extra mile for you, like, you need a car, I'll get you a car. If you're late to the airport, I'll, I'll have my guy come in early. I'll drive you personally, you know?

Yeah, yeah. One of those guys, like, you'll go an extra mile for you. Like, you want a certain type of milk. Yeah. If we don't have it, I'll make sure you need it just for you. That's the Motel Six Promise. So that guy, Palo Francisco fixed. Paid for his dental work.

For the guy at the front desk? Yeah, so he's a real beautiful smile now. He's the guy that showed up with the spoon and baking soda. Wow. Wow. Yeah, so Pablo Francisco. That's so nice. Yeah, I was very nice guy.

Oh, my God. I need new shingles on my roof. Did you have his number? I'll find it. Yeah, I want Pablo over here. One man, one desire, fix his teeth. Yeah. You cannot fix his teeth, Pablo.

Yes, I can He's so funny Yeah I love that Every time Paulo Francisco will go up I don't care If you were like The next big thing

Yeah You're gonna have to wait for that crowd To calm the fuck down Yeah Before you start your next joke Oh yeah He was He's still doing it right

Yeah he's still doing it Oh he's so funny I gotta get him on here Yeah he'll love to do it I don't know how to get a hold of him But I'll find I'll track him down It's funny like

He's one of those comics that, like, you know when you started? Yeah. And you started and you go, oh, but then you're still doing it, but that person is still headlining. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You started when he was headlining. Yeah. Now you're headlining, but this guy's also headlining.

Yeah, it's weird, right? Like, you only know this guy's the headliner. Yeah. You don't know shit about open mic or nothing. Yeah. In a world. In a world. So funny.

Speaking of world, buddy, please let us. the crowd know, Felipe, where they can find you, where you're touring, your social media, just let it, this is your time, let it rip, guy. I will be at the Vagabondin Hotel in Ventura, California, the worst hotel in the world. I'm just kidding. I will be at the, um, Felipeworld.com for my tour. I'm going, uh, I don't know when this airs, but in two weeks, November the 20th, I think. I'm going to be it or next week.

I'm going to One of the there? This will be air next week Okay so I'll be in England Doing a show in England And Amsterdam Oh wow But if you're in New York area

I'll be at the West Nyack Leverty Live Yeah yeah okay I'll be there I have a movie with Paul Rodriguez With Ares Spears Starring Eraspeers And Jay Moore

It's called Holy Cash Do you know You want to hear something funny about that movie. What? The director reached out to me and offered me the Jay Moore role. Oh, wow, okay.

Yeah. And I didn't, I didn't respond to it. I didn't, I didn't, it wasn't the right role for me, but he offered me that role with Paul Rodriguez, right? And Jay did it, so I hope it came out great. Yeah, we went to the premiere.

Oh, good. And it's played, Paul, Joe, got a deal with the AMC movie theaters. Oh, good. So it's playing at all the AMC's, exclusively in a lover of America. We could have been in a movie together. Damn.

And I played on Paul Rodriguez, the probation officer. Yeah. Oh, dude. Man, you could play, if you're a drinker and if you're a comic, you can play a drinking game every time you recognize somebody in that movie that you hung out with. Yeah, there's a lot of, a lot of cameos. Oh, wow, yeah. No, it was an interesting script.

It wasn't the right thing for me, but it was kind of, it was like, heaven and hell and yeah yeah it i'm excited to see how it comes out so what what's it called again it's called holy cash is out now yeah yeah okay good check that out and also check on my podcast history for fools yes and what's a full podcast and also i did a i got um offered to do a spanish scripted podcast and wow and let me tell you man thank you for hiring me i was um Man, I was saying, I was saying, Harlan, I was saying words that I didn't know what I was saying. Like Spanish words? So you don't speak Spanish?

Yeah, I speak Spanish, but people ask me, Philippa, how can you don't speak good Spanish? Because my father, he dropped out of school in the sixth grade to go work. I see. So whatever Spanish he learned at the time, that's the Spanish that he brought to me. So if he don't know the word, how the fuck I'm going to know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my dad doesn't know a Spanish word. goes,

so I see the same thing. Where is it at? So yeah, man. Do you find a lot of parrots attack you when you're talking in public? I can't go with two dog parks. Yeah, yeah. It's over.

Oh, that's pretty good. I can't even do it. That's why Arturito is Mexican, man. What? Arturito. He even shows bootleg movies. Yeah, that little hologram. Obi-Guan, you're my only hope.

I love it. I love it. Yeah, man. Oh, and I'm going to... Here you go. Yeah. History for Food's podcast. What's a full podcast?

Yeah. On YouTube, right? On YouTube. Yeah. We're on every week. Check it out, folks. Check it out. And check out.

Did you have a website with your whole comedy schedule? Yes, I have a website. Felipe's world.com. If where all my dates are for the, for the tour at my... my leisure tour. Buddy, what a pleasure to have you here, folks. Thanks for having me, man. Oh, loco, loco cocoa.

Wait, what is it? Locomoco, loco, which is a Hawaiian dish. I just don't remember right now. So you're the only edible tinky winky. Yeah, it's white rice with a hamburger patty, two eggs, over gravy, and macaroni salad. That's a loco-moko, Hawaiian. breakfast that's also a barf omelet and an alleyway behind

folks that's it for today thank you so much for leaving me harlan what a treat folks until next time chicken chowmane you heard it and enjoy your sockos what's up fool we'll see you next time thanks so much buddy thank for having me you're being watched online. It's not paranoia. It's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information, including your browsing habits, where you live, and even who you're related to, and they sell it to the highest bidder. That's where ORA comes in. ORA automatically removes your personal info from data broker sites and keeps it off. It also monitors the dark web, safeguards your devices, alerts you to real-time threats, and more. Start your free

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