The Harland Highway - FIONA CAULEY - That magic first kiss recreated, wheelchair therapy, and how do you DO IT in a chair?

Episode Date: March 17, 2026

This episode is sponsored by Quince, BetterHelp -Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Go to Quince dot com slash HARLAND for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. - Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com/HARLAND Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en #podcast #harlandwilliams More Fiona Cauley: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fionacauley/ Website: https://www.fionacauley.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Getting ready for a game means being ready for anything, like packing a spare stick. I like to be prepared. That's why I remember, 988 Canada's Suicide Crisis Hubline. It's good to know, just in case. Anyone can call or text for free confidential support from a train responder anytime. 988 Suicide Crisis Helpline is funded by the government in Canada. Hey everybody, Harland here. Before we get started, a couple of quick announcements.

if you want to see yours truly, you want to see Daddy doing some sweet stand-up comedy. Monterey, California, March 26, at the Golden State Theater. Be there. Seattle, Washington, at the Neptune Theater, March 27th, Portland, Oregon, Revolution Hall, March 28th, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Bricktown Comedy Club, April 3rd to 4th, and Louisville, Kentucky at the Louisville Comedy Club, April 10 and 11. Get your tickets at Harlan Williams.com.

Don't miss it. We go have a good old time. I might even drive a truck through your living room. Don't know what that meant, but we'll see you there. Also, gang, don't forget on next week's podcast, The Legend Themself, Elf, Will Ferrell, will be on the show. So tune in. Here's a little sample just to wet your healthy appetite.

And don't forget to subscribe to the Harland Highway podcast. Your subscription matters. And I hope you have a great time. Here's Will. And then let's get right to today's episode. It's your podcast. Oh, oh, sorry. God, I'm so sorry.

I'm supposed to. Yeah, you've got to keep it going. I'm sorry. You've got to keep it going. Not me. I know. I get forgetful sometimes. Oh, my God, this boy. What?

Tell me, that's a big, oh, my God, this boy. Tell me, fill that one in, player. Damn, oh, my God, this boy. I need to hear the end of this story now, child. What the? You're like an old southern lady on the boy. Oh, my God, this boy. What? Tell me. What? I need to know. We need to know this boy. What?

Grab your digit nubs and hold on in your pants. Taste the cinema. Do you look dirty to me? Do you look dirty or do your glasses look dirty? Just the glasses. I wasn't going to say anything, but your hair is a bit tousled like you just had a dirty night. Yeah, I did. Can you tell us? I mean, we'll get to your glasses, but. I think we'd all like to hear about your dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty night.

Matt stole my wheelchair, and I had to roll home on my body. Slow that down, power player. Say that again? Matt stole my wheelchair, and I had to roll home on my body. So Matt's your husband. Yeah. You guys did something naughty. It's a, no. It just a fun little bit.

prank he likes a plan. So he'll leave you, take you out of the wheelie. Does the wheelchair have a name by the way? No, I got through them so fast. I can't get attached. I feel like I want to name it. What would you do?

Give me a minute. As we talk, it'll I just don't, I'm not one of these guys that just like, oh, let's call it Charles. Like, I feel like we're spiritual people. We want the name to come out organically, spiritually. So as we talk, I might just cut you off and go, Larry.

Perfect. But that's not the name yet. We need to find it. Yeah. It'll find us. It'll find us. Yeah. That's the connection between a wheelchair and what do you call the recipient of a wheelchair, the wheeler, the wheel chie? A retard? Bingo. Wow. I can say that. You didn't. It was the wheelchair making you say that. Yeah, it was. It took over. I'm AI now. The wheelchair controls me. It does. It's sort of like the, it's like the Overlook Hotel. Like, do you ever see the shining? Yeah, a long time. Well, Jack Nicholson, the whole, the whole storyline is that this hotel has this life where it, whoever comes into it, it's sort of, the hotel itself controls their

souls and they can never leave. And I think, Damien, is now the name of your wheelchair because he made you say that sort of satanic thing just now. That was dark, that was evil, but that wasn't you. No. It was Damian.

Fucking Damian. Damian made you say it. Wow. I tried to get out of the wheelchair, just move forward and it hits my ankles. I'm right back where I started. Has it ever severed your Achilles tendon? Like once a week.

No. Yeah. And when you sever your Achilles, Chili's, doesn't it just go, like, doesn't it just like, because it's, it's, it's being strained right behind between your ankle and your calf. Yes. And then when you cut it, like half goes up, and it's like when you cut a worm in half and it goes Yeah.

It might shock you. It's actually like a sizzle sound. Can you do it? Sounds a lot like Damien too when he's being sassy. Does the wheelchair ever make noises and you think it's talking to you? Yeah, and more is good. Oh, the beeping. Maybe we should change it for now.

It's changing now. Maybe it's no longer Damien. Maybe your wheelchair is The Shining. I might want to call it the Shining. Or maybe that's its last name, Damien Shining. Oh, God. This is getting really dark. I know, but I mean, it's making noises.

It made you say the R-Wing. I mean, that's not a, that's not a God fear and wheelchair you've got. Have you ever run over a puppy or a cat or a killed a manatee? I mean, I haven't, but Damien. Damien Shining does it at night. Yeah, when I'm sleeping. Well, you're sleeping. It's out hunting.

It has to eat. It has to eat. It has to kill. Wow. I'm terrified. Me too. Because just for the record, folks, Fiona's not in Damien Shining right now. She's on a beautiful bar stool.

Mm-hmm. Is it nice to get out of Damien and sit in a different seating arrangement? Yeah, I like it. Why? It just gets boring. It confuses people when I do that. They don't recognize when I'm sitting in a different chair. Right.

Yeah. And this is a bar stool. so you're up at a different elevation. I'm taller than my husband right now, and I like that. Oh, I sense a fight. Yeah. I sense you just started a fight. I mean Damien.

Damien made a fight start between you and your loving, doting husband. I know. Everything was peachy keen. Everything was copacetic. And then Damien the Shining just started a horrible, nasty, marital spat. It's kind of what he's known for, you know. Wow. this wheelchair is up to know hunting at night for animals

a marital interference making speaking in tongues or whatever it was you did and that was exactly and then folks just so you know making her say the R word right at the beginning really messed up that wasn't you no you don't say that

I went to Catholic school right Mm-hmm. You might have to get a tattoo, and this is just advice. I'm not a priest. Okay. But to combat Damien Shining's evil, I'm recommending a tattoo of the cross on each butt cheek. Two hell mirrors and two butt cheek rather than. I'm just saying it might offset the evil.

I feel like it burned every time I sat down, though. That's true. Yeah. But nothing like Hawk Cross buns. See, Damien made me say that. That wasn't me. I'm not that quick. The evil is spreading, my child.

Yeah, Damien's real full. He ate a lot. Whoa, see, that was Damien. You had holy water in your hands, and Damien tried to knock it out of your hands. Wow. We caught that on camera, too. Are you okay?

Yeah, I think I'm okay. I think your water just broke. Are you preggers? Always, a little bit. Okay, because your water just broke. And that's Damien. Oh, my God. Okay, let's, because people are sitting and going,

what the hell are they talking about a possessed wheelchair for? We're here with Fiona Colley. Let's hit the theme music, folks. Fiona Collie is with us today here on the Holland Highway Park Hat. Yeah, that's right. I do guarantee. And Fiona is a comedian. She's a...

Do you hunt? Well, Damien Hunt. Bye. Bye. You just got here. What the hell is it? Okay, well, folks, this was the shortest episode. Bye.

And that's the evil wheelchair, ending things early. What is happening here? I've never been surrounded with so much evil. God, I'm glad we got you out of that chair. I'm trying to feel like myself again. You are. The blood's rushing back to your face. I'm getting tan.

You're flashing? Yeah. And then you've got a devil on your shirt. Great. Okay, we're not buying any of it. I was almost going, oh, the child be coming home to the flock, and then she opens her jean jacket, and Lucifer Beelzebel, Master of All Darkness is on your hooter nannies.

Yeah. Oh, my God. What is that all about? I feel like Damien, the wheelchair's picking out your wardrobe is what it is. Yeah, woke up and it was at the end of my bed. Where's my pretty pink top? You're going to wear the Metallica shirt today. Put it on, or I will roll you into a wall.

Wow. It's like you were there. Okay, so Fiona Collie is here, a comedian. You know her folks from Kiltoni. You know, we're from the Tonight Show. We know you from your stand-up appearances. We know you from the Kill Tony Tour. Did we do one?

Did we do one? I just saw you at one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But hopefully we get to be on one soon. Are you doing any this year? I don't think. Oh.

I don't know. Okay, well, you never know. They don't like Damien, so we're kind of a package deal. You're a package deal. Yeah. Oh, my God. So because we were talking about so much about the wheelchair. Yeah.

And I know you have fun with it in your act. You talk about it. You joke about it. So before anybody can kind of be like, oh, we want to sort of set the stage that you like, you like having fun with your wheel, joking about it and talking about it. Oh, I love being in a wheelchair. It is the best. You love being in it. Yeah.

I love it. I love talking about it. I love when people stare at me because of the wheelchair. No, you don't. Do you? And I just convince myself it's because I'm so pretty. They can't look away. You are very pretty.

Thank you. Yeah. You've been out of it? That's crazy. Yeah. But are you okay? Because I don't want to do anything that's uncomfortable in terms of like joking or having fun with the wheelchair.

No. But if there anything that goes too far, you just say it. I'm the one that goes too far. Don't worry about it. Oh, good. Because I'm going to tell you a little story when I first started stand-up. Yeah. I think it was in my first year, my first year and a half.

And, you know, I was doing a one-nighter club at a cheesy little bar. There are dartboards in the background. And, you know, you can always hear the bartender opening the bar. and everything. And I'm about stage. It's a packed house. And in those days, I used to roam the stage a lot more than I do now. And I was going back and forth and there's some guy right in the front row, like right at my feet. And I kind of kept seeing him and I kept looking at him. And I said, you know, I like to talk to the crowd. How you doing? What do you do? And I'll never forget this, Fiona. This guy was sitting there and I started talking to him. And I noticed a dog under his chair.

and I go, dude, why is there a dog under your chair? And he goes, I'm blind. And I immediately, I went, oh, and I just shut him up. And I walked away and started talking. And I was there about 30 seconds talking to another person in the crowd. And in my head, I'm going, why did I do that? Just because he's blind. And I went back to him and I...

He didn't know you walked away from mom's. True, true. He was still answering you. Yeah, damn. I messed up. I messed up. It was the dog that knew, though, and I love animals. Yeah. But I went back to him, and on stage, I kind of did a confession. I said, Hey, dude, I was talking to you when you told me you were blinded through me, and I moved away from you, and now I'm back because I'm like,

all you ever hear is anyone who has a disability or this or that. We all just want to be treated the same. And so then I did about, you know, three or four minutes with him about his eyesight. I asked him why he loved. how we lost it. You know, we were having a right. And we joked around. And then I hit him up like throughout the rest of the show. And then at the end of it, he came up to me. I don't know how he found me.

And he said he loved it. And I learned from that moment early on that just everyone's everyone. And but I do want to give the respect of if someone's not comfortable talking about something. Yeah. Then I will ask them that. I, yeah. I think when people are scared to interact with people, because of their disability is no good.

And there are certain people, I would say, would make really bad disabled people, and those are the ones that get mad. What do you mean? Not everyone's cut up for this. Oh, so what you're saying is some people get disabled and carry resentment and anger and they can't handle it. And that's natural, but at some point,

you find a new way to exist and be happy still. Yeah. And some people can't do that. That's tough, isn't it? And then they're trapped in it because they can't change it. No. A thoughtfully built wardrobe comes down to pieces that mix and last. And that's where Quince shines.

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Go to quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash Harlan for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash Harland. Quince it up, baby. Oh, did you ever have a moment in your journey where you were resentful and angry, or did you sort of cope with it in a positive way from the start?

For like six years after I was diagnosed, I was depressed. Yeah. Because I couldn't figure out why. You know, I couldn't find a reason. Why this happened to you? And depressed, you know, I'm going to ask,

did you take you right to the edge of like, I don't want to be here anymore? type of depression? Yeah. Wow. But luckily, I'm limited in ways to not be here. Yeah. That much I can do.

Your really only option is like a cliff. Yeah. And how often are you near those? Yeah, you need help getting up there. Yeah. I guess the sister did not wanting to be here. Once you're there, it's just a matter of a little roll. And you're gone, baby.

Yeah. Well, thank God you didn't. And thank God. Was humor? sort of your conduit for for bridging that gap between sort of anger and resentment

and then just staying in touch with happiness maybe? Yeah, I think so. Like the reason I got so depressed immediately was people I had known a week before being

diagnosed now started treating me like they felt bad for me. And I I didn't feel any different than I did before diagnosis. Like I was still the same person. Yeah. So I was like, oh my God, should I feel sad for myself? And so it was kind of other people pitying me.

And then I'm like, I'm going to make fun of this. And then it made it more normal. And was there a side of you that was like a sarcastic side of you that was like, I'm going to make fun of this just to, spite those people that sort of change their attitude towards me? Oh yeah. Oh wow so that was like fuel. Yeah. Oh interesting. Yeah. The pity fuels me. The pity fuels you so so don't be pitying this fool because she's full of fuel if you pity this fool and I'm a poet. I'm an artist. I mean I can tell that was really good. I was pretty good in that. I almost cried. You did? Yeah I just did my makeup though

Awesome. If I want a little longer and a little deeper, would I get some tears, do you think? Because that one was a quickie. I could do a longer one. Yeah? I'd love to see you weep like an onion. Like an onion. I like the way you said it.

This is how you said you went, like an onion. I'm a rapper. You are? Yeah, on this side. Oh, wow. I'm a rapper at Christmas. Oh. I'm going to try a longer one, and I don't know if I'll get tears out of you or not, but I'll try.

What was the one I just did? How did it start? Oh, yeah. I pity the fool because she got the fuel by the sunlight at night at the edge of the pool. The birds are singing, and the bells are chiming, and the children are laughing like they're from another timing. Was that a cry? or laugh. Just holding

their back, you know. As I said earlier, folks, this is the shortest one we've ever done. No, no.

Well, I love it. So people who aren't familiar with your history, so when you say you found out you were diagnosed,

so I'm guessing, because I don't know this either, I've never talked to you about this before, were you, were you physically

without any symptoms? at one point and then you hit an age and suddenly you had to go to the wheelchair? Yeah, it was like, I used to be an athlete. Oh, wow. Yeah. And then at like 15 years old, I started losing coordination. Oh, wow.

So I pivoted and was like, I'm an artist now. And I start painting and drawing and stuff. And I knew something was wrong. And I asked my mom if she would dig me into a doctor about it. But my older sister had different health issues that made her walk weird. So my mom thought I was copying my sister. And she wouldn't dig me. And I thought I was insane because I was told I was making it up for attention.

Right. And I do love attention. So I get the theory, you know. But how long, what was the duration between you saying, hey, mom, I think there's something not right. And her going, oh, applesauce and peanuts. Three years. You're just being silly for three years.

There's nothing wrong with walking crooked and sideways for three years. It was my principal in my high school, started smelling my breath because she thought I was drunk. Oh, because you were. a crush on me. I hadn't your principal had a crush on you? Maybe. Was it a guy or a girl? A lesbian principal

sees you wobbling down the hall and gets aroused? She wants us on my bread, yeah. Wow, that's an odd kink. I like me a wobbler. I like me a crookie. I mean, is that what you call someone who walks crooked? I never heard of a crooky.

I like that. I mean, it's just a term. Crokey. It's like someone walking... Feels like a slur. Like a bad slur? Yeah. What's a good slur?

I just invented a bad slur. That's so fun. You saw it here first. Well, you know what's great about it? I can slur all day, but it's not me. It's Damien the shining the wheelchair. He's putting it in me. The demon seed.

The minute you'll never be the same. He's been in your home now. But let me. change the context on you, my beautiful, athletic, wonderful friend? If I say someone's a crooky and it's just a regular person who's walking crooked, is that a slur? Or is it just someone walking crooked? Is it only a slur if I say it to someone who has an affliction? And then the latter. But can you have both? Can we live in a world? where one guy, hey, it's just a guy

and then the other person it's like, I don't know. I've never run up against this. That's a good question. We need to bring it out in the field and test it. Okay. So walking crooked,

crooky is maybe a new term. Yeah. But maybe it's a term we never, or I should take blame for it. Yeah. Maybe I'd never. I do blame you. But I did say,

Did I say Wobbler too? Yeah, that was cute, though. That's like a little kid. But you know who I blame? First I was blaming you. I blame your lesbian principal. Me too. She made me say this stuff.

These darn lesbians? So wait a minute. I don't know why your mom was in denial for three years. I don't think she wanted to believe anything. You know, I think it came from like nothing wrong with my kids. Well, not my kid. Probably like my little angel. My little beautiful athletic?

Pretty. I was a bad kid. You're a bad kid. Yeah. Okay, so putting on my doctor overcoat for a second. Okay. Did that three-year window cause, without any treatment to your ailment, did it cause the ailment to become more pronounced and worsen? Or had she been proactive on day one might have lessened the net result of

said illness. Right. That's a good question. I'm all full of them. Yeah, you're crushing. I'm crushing it. I might start asking myself question. You're crushing with their cookie. That's crazy. I might ask myself a question. Oh, Harlan, where'd you grow up and go to school? Oh, and Canada? And I went to a Catholic high school. Oh, eh? I'm crushing it. Yeah. I almost don't, I hate to say, I almost don't need you here at this point. I know. If I could walk out, I would. Got you. You're mine.

He took away, Damien. You're going to sit there while I interview myself. So Harland, when you were 15, I heard you lost your virginity. Why, yes. Okay, back to you. I don't need to sit here and be laughed at over my virginity. How old were you when you lost your virginity to your lesbian principal? 18.

Was it to her? Yeah. No, it wasn't. No. Was it really 18? Yeah. Ah, so you were ahead of me. I was like, I think it was 19 or 20. Well.

Do you remember where it was? Yeah. Where? In a kitchen and I was standing, which is ironic. Wow, was there anything cooking? Yes. Fish stairs. And they burned.

So wait. You're in the middle of cooking fish sticks. not the horniest of activities, and suddenly lust to be washing over your child. And there, under the eyes of the sweet lord, while the fish sticks were boiling, you decided to pull down ye pants and have a little fun right next to the fish friar.

Yeah. Are you cereal? Yeah. Wow. That's a real story. I can tell. I can almost smell the cod burning. Oh, gross.

Well, you're the one that did it. Don't blame me. God, you're the one that had sexual activities by a fish stick. Where'd you lose yours? Nosey. God. Is this you talking or Damien Shining? God.

How dare you? Good Lord. You don't interview yourself for a minute. Will I take a rest? Go ahead. Fanda, are you the cool? I'm like a ball. This is going,

you know why this is going off the rails? Damien, he's making it go nuts. I can be dragged. I'll be serious. Mine was in, mine was in a nurse's residence. My girlfriend in college had to get, she lived in a nurse's residence.

And you had to sign in to go visit. It was like a jail. Like you had to go in. There was a guard, and you had to sign in and let them know you were there for how long. And it got to the point where she would go and stand at the fire escape door, hold it open, and I would roll across the lawn at night so the guard couldn't see me, or I'd literally light firecrackers and throw them. So he'd be like, they'd go, and he'd look away, and I'd be wearing black leather and black jeans,

and I'd roll along the ground like a commando. And this is real? This is for real, and she'd be standing at the door and hustle me in, and then we'd run up the fire escape to her room. Oh, that's very cool. I mean, the things we do for love, you do fish sticks. I do commando rolls. Roll stick.

They're all there. They're all roly, sticky things. What would you cook? Oh, I'd cook in bed. That's what I'd cook. Hey, oh. Hey, oh, Captain Fish Stick. Come on now. Come back, play ya.

Come on, fish stick player. I want D-Jurts. Yeah, yeah. Do you remember the dude? Yeah. Really? He was my first, like, a serious boyfriend. Oh, wow.

We dated for, like, three years. So he never told jokes? No. He was. illegally older than me. Illegally. That's why. But you were 18, you said.

Well, we started dating when I was 15. But you didn't do the fish stick till you were 18. I was like, I want to wait until it's not a crime. Right. Right. And he was probably on board with that. He was very mad. Oh, he wanted to jump the fish stick.

Oh, interesting. Well, good for you for having the resolve to say, hey, easy there, long John Silver. You know? Good for you. Thank you. Oh, wow. But a kitchen is an odd place to do it. Yeah, I don't know why.

Was it a restaurant? Were you working in a restaurant or was a kitchen in an apartment? It was his parents' kitchen. Oh, wow. I used to live at home. I don't know why. I guess he was dating children's. I made it weird.

No, no, guess who made it weird? Damien. Yeah. Shining. He's making us say this stuff. This might be the evilest podcast, either if it was ever done. And spooky Ireland highway. Spooky, creepy, scary.

I'm telling you, man. Can we cut to, because, you know what, we could sit here and talk about the ailment. And I'm sure you're bored of it. You probably talk about it all the time. Be honest. is a little boring. A little bit. So let me switch gears,

and you can decide to answer or not answer, but I think one thing, and I'm being actually sincere right now, it's a quirky question, but it might be too sensitive. I think people watching often wonder what it's like, since we're talking about sexual activity and virginity,

and if this is too, like, sensitive, just shut me down. but how do people in the confined to a wheelchair have the bedroom fun? I mean, it's different for everyone. Yeah. Like, I don't, I don't know anyone, I don't know details on anyone but me. Right. I'm not paralyzed.

Right. You know. So down below, you can still have full feeling and function? Oh, amazing. I didn't know if it was paralyzed down there. I think for me it's like my body is always blackout drunk. So it's just like having sex with a really drunk person. For the person with you or for you?

For Matt, your husband. But for you, you can feel everything. Yeah. Oh, that's incredible. Yeah. All my faculties work. Interesting. But from the lower extremities down,

you don't have control. It's my whole body. Oh, your whole body. Like I dropped that cup that's part of it. Oh. Like my speech is part of it. Your speech, yeah. It's funny because your speech is slow,

but I grew up talking really slow for some reason too. Like I had a real drawl when I, I still, people still think I talk a little bit drawly, like a little slow. I like it. I like it too. Yeah.

You want to go out and drawled? together later? Yeah. Well, I'll draw with you. I'll drawl with you. I'm not scared. I'll drawl beside a fish stick fryer with you. Oh, shit, okay.

Let's drawl it up. I don't do fish stick friars anymore. What about drawing? I do drawl. Will Matt be okay if me and you do a drawl by? Yeah, if he gets to sit and dame me and watch. Okay. The only thing we'd be bad at as drawlers, as slow talkers,

Like we would not be good at a beach. What? Well, let's say someone's swimming and there's a shark. And then we're like, shark. Hey. Yeah. Shat. The thing.

Man eating. Shish. Shia. And they're like, did you say shark? And then we have to do it again. Oh, shart. I'd probably run out of the water if I saw a shart too. I wouldn't run.

You wouldn't? I can't. What? Oh, you can't. Remember? I forgot. Sorry. God, how did I forget?

I don't know that people do. You know, it's funny. Well, not your first boyfriend. You said he was your first boyfriend. serious boyfriend. What? Yeah. Should have dated a funny boyfriend.

I never did. And then I did one. Oh, is Matt? He's funny? Is he funnier than you? Nobody's funnier than you. He's a funnier than me. I don't think so.

He's a comedian. Do you know that? I didn't know that. I just met him. It's only the second time I've met him. He's sweet boy. He's super. super sweet. Yeah, he was a social worker for 10 years. Was? Yeah. And then he turned his back on society.

He said, fuck you. I want to be in the spotlight. He's a player. You've got yourself a player. Yeah, play on. Player. Player got to play, player. Just like that. Yeah. You know, I have experience with people like Matt are very unique souls. Okay. I have an uncle, my uncle Bill, okay, he's going to be 102 in a week. Real? For real. He still lives alone. He's up in Canada.

I love him to death. I'm so proud of him. He was a, he was in the Royal Canadian Air Force as a tail gunner. You know that bubble in the back of the bomber jet? That's cool. With the, like shooting.

Did I think 40 or 50 missions over Germany in World War II lived. Oh my God. He married his sweetheart, my aunt Jean. She had, and I'm going to find out, I'm wondering now if maybe she had a similar thing that you have, but she lost the ability to walk. And my Uncle Bill pampered her and cared for her

and lifted her in and out of the wheelchair, everywhere he went. He doted over her like the way I see Matt doing it. That's very sweet. And it was that he's the sweetest giving, you have to be such a generous giving person. Impatient. Patient. And I just can't tell you, when I see Matt, and I've only met him twice, it reminds me of the love and the caring and the understanding and the patience that my uncle Bill had.

And he just doted over my aunt Jean till the day she passed. And you'll like this, it's a little odd. I've never said this before. My aunt Jean was an opera singer. What? And she was very feminine. She was very beautiful. She liked to dress.

She had the fur collar. She was very fashionable. She liked her appearances. And she managed herself very well. And she did their whole house in pink. Pink wallpaper, pink tiles. She rocks. Pink everything.

And when she died, he's 102. He's probably been single for over 50 years. And he left the house. exactly the same. So here's this World War II guy who bombed the shit out of the Nazis living in a pink house in the suburbs, and he's 102.

He is so secure in its masculinity. He is. I love that. And I see, I just, I'm so happy because it's, you know what? Fiona, it's hard enough to find someone in life to be a partner and a friend and to have all that and a sweet, wonderful person that has that patience.

But then I'll say this, isn't love, isn't that what love is all about patience? I think it's supposed to be something I have kind of learned over the years. All my friends, like some of them are married or whatever. Yeah. And I always would ask the question of like, okay, like excited for you. How did you know, like, this is the person if something really bad happened to you, you were diagnosed with something or in an accident, they'd stay with you. Yeah.

And a lot of my friends have been like, I don't think they would and I wouldn't blame them. And I'm like, that's an insane thing. For me, it's like bad things happen all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, disability is random and it can be anyone at any age. Yeah, you see kids that jump off a cliff when they're swimming and they hit their necks and they went from being the football, you know, quarterback to now they can't even move anything, not even their arms.

It's so, disability itself is so accessible. And I think everyone, until it happens, even me and Clod did, we don't, we're like, yeah, but not me. Yeah. You know, and that's just not true. And if you don't have someone that's, like, patient and loves you, it's nice because I don't have to wonder if Matt would stay with me if something bad happened. Yeah. He met me in the bed. Oh, well, I won't say in the bad, but I'd just say he met you in the state you were in,

and you're beautiful and you're good and you're great. And he recognized everything that you possess beyond anything that was a physical limitation, and that's a partner for life right there. Yeah, he rips. He's amazing. Well, I didn't ask about the Dutch ovens at night, but we want to throw that in. The good comes with the bad, right? Well, since we're talking about them, if you don't mind, can you tell us where you met him and how you met him?

Yeah, I met Matt probably five years ago. Okay. At an open mic in Nashville. Okay. We were just friends for a while. You know, we were both single forever, you know. And then it was one day we're on the same show, and I have a two-wheeledger system. So it's like I keep one in my car and then one from my house.

Okay. And I lived alone. So I would roll out to my car, put a grill cover over my wheelchair for rain. A grill cover, good, yeah. And I'm getting the car. Okay, Magiver. I'm pretty smart. Yeah, that's good.

That's creative. It was Damien's idea. Damien's like suffocate the other wheelchair. I'm the only one. put the grill cover over cut off ex-oxygen but then and I would like get in the car

drive to where I'm going someone would get my chair out but one of my wheelchairs broke so I couldn't go by myself Damien Broke broke or sabotaged Yeah

Uh huh Yeah was there a banana peel Just accidentally out on the hallway floor In my spouse It was a nightmare Yeah Hey, hey, hey, folky folks. Today's episode is being sponsored by Better Help.

And today we're taking a moment to celebrate women and all the workload they carry and all the stuff they do and all the stuff we acknowledge them for and maybe sometimes we don't acknowledge them for. They help hold half of our society together. So March includes International Women's Day and so we want to celebrate women by recognizing them. And I'm a guy with four sisters, so I know about the ladies.

I have two younger ones and two older ones. I'm in the middle. That makes me a woman sandwich. Trust me, I've seen it at all levels. Women carry a lot. And sometimes, just like men, the women might need a little bit of extra help. And so that's where better help therapy comes in. Maybe BetterHelp can help smooth out those rough edges, create a little balance, set healthy boundaries, and support overall well-being for you and the women you know and love in your life.

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I mean, he gets really weird about it. Okay, just wanted to ask. Just in case. Okay, back to your story. Sorry. They're wondering, not me, them, the freaks, the dementoids. Yeah, demenoids. Dementoids.

I like the new slant you put on it, but a bit of a slur. Bit of a slur. Sure, I did it early, but now you did it. No, now's that me. Us who... Damien. Damien. Damian the Shining.

Damian has cursed this podcast, but we're going to make it through, player, because we're a couple of players. Oh, what's this? What is it? It's what I imagine a player would do.

Yeah, but it's sort of you're right. And then you got to squint the fe. Player. Well, I've never, have I seen this before? Are you the new two-pack? Yeah, dude. Wow.

That's what they call me. You're like, I got wheelchair belly. Oh, wow, yeah. No. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I just noticed it now. Wow.

Wow. I'm kidding. Do you do a physical workout? Do you do a, is it too limiting to do like a gym or weights or anything? That makes me. Okay. I hate doing it. Yeah.

What is it? Is it like just a little... Like I'll do... I'll stand and he'll hold on to like my waist. Yeah. And we'll do squats like he's behind me. Yeah. And then I'll do like five pound weights like that too.

Okay. You know. And while he's standing behind you... Oh, wow. Pretty good right here. Just do it a little harder. I can't see it. When he's standing behind you doing the squats,

are there fish sticks cooking anywhere? Our house, there is always a fish stick in the oven. Oh, my goodness. I love it. Well, that's good, man. You got a good situation. So you met them. You were doing the open mics.

Oh, yes. And then one of my chairs broke. Oh, your wheelchair broke. Yeah, I only had one. And I needed to ride. to the show because of that. And I texted the group of comedians and was like, can someone come get me?

Yeah. Matt replied and was like, yeah, I'll come get you. And we had never hung out one-on-one. Yeah. And, you know, I got in his car. It was like a don't tell a B-Y-O-B show, and we grabbed beers at the gas station. Damien.

Damien at work, yep. And we sat in his car in the bargain lot before the show and just talk for like an hour. And then after the show, everyone was going to a bar and we were hungry. So he and I went to get food. And we talked for like four hours. And I was like, oh, I wouldn't marry this guy. And I've never, yeah. You knew that?

I knew immediately. That's amazing. Yeah. Did he know? Like afterwards, did you tell him? And he said, I knew the same thing. No, I think he was like a month later, maybe. Did you have to do a little seducin?

Oh, my God, this boy. This boy meaning Matt? What? Tell me, that's a big, oh, my God, this boy. Tell me, fill that one in, player. Damn, oh, my God, this boy. I need to hear the end of this story now, child. What the?

You're like an old Southern lady on the boy. Oh my God, this boy. What? Tell me, what? I need to know. We need to know this boy. What? So I'd be around him, but I was scared because we were like in the same comedy communities.

You know, people are always frowning upon comedians dating. Oh. I always say, who cares what I would have. other people think. If you have feelings for someone, who cares what anyone else thinks. Yeah, I agree. And you obviously lived up to that because you guys just were like, let's do this. Well, he, so I was like trying to be around him more.

Aw. So I started being like, we should shoot sketches together. And so he would come over all the time when we'd shoot sketches. And it's so funny looking back on them now because they're all online. And they're like, I'm clearly so into him and he's oblivious. I just picture you and you say I wanted to be around him more. I hate to say it, but I picture him just walking home on his sidewalk, and he hears, and he looks behind and you're like rolling after him,

and then you stop. And then he starts walking and gets like, weep, weep, pheel. Fiona, what are you doing? Nothing? I live this way. No, you don't. I just fit to you stalking them in a wheelchair.

Real careful. Yeah. Still I ran out of battery. Oh, yeah, you have an electric. Oh, yeah, you can't even, you know, you can't do that one. Because my arms are bad, too. They see it pretty like they're, like, you have a lot of fluidity with them. Thank you.

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I think it's hard because the medicine is to stop the progression. And can it be stopped or no? They think this is doing it, which is like huge. Because my life expectancy before the meds, when I met that, was 40. Who puts life expectancy on a human? What are you, a carton of milk or a dozen eggs? No, no, we don't put life expectancy.

Your doctor said that to you? Hey, thanks for coming in today. Better keep coming in for the next 16 years because at 40, you're done. Yeah. That's a little insensitive. Neurologists don't really have good bedside manner. Well, you don't have to sleep with your doctor. Just go for a checkup for God's sake.

Well, I'll tell you, my cousin has a little daughter who, I don't even know the name of the ailment she got. But when she was born, she was fine. And then I think it was about six, seven months in, got hit with something, I don't even know the name, but a very, very, very extreme type of epilepsy, I think, to the point where she can't even talk.

She can't, she just, they have to lift her everywhere. And she drools. They have to wipe her mouth. And she can only make noises. And she, you know, it's kind of like that. It's very, very, but beautiful, love. loving wonderful girl. And they told him and the mother that she was going to be dead by nine. How old is she?

And now she's coming up on 30. Oh, Megan Suggie. Yeah. And she's extreme. I mean, she's, you know, a quintessential. I don't know if there's words, but almost like a vegetable, you know. Yeah. And she lived way past that stupid expiration date, thank God. But that's a weird, weird thing to put on someone.

It almost feels like a power trip. Yeah, like playing God. Yeah, I'm like, Yeah, you shall live to 40. And if you do live past 40, I have your address. You know, like he's gonna show up with a fucking hammer and be like, hey.

I got quoted yesterday. Yesterday was your birthday, whack. you know you're right it's very like playing god yeah it's really weird oh my goodness but this med is supposed to double that because it stops the progression and just you know last thing i wanted to do is do another podcast because i've seen a few where i i didn't want it to be too heavy about your ailment because we just like to have fun and joking that that's the real thing but maybe just in light of there might be someone out there needing inspiration or whatever. Can we just tell them what the name of the,

what your affliction is? Or my infliction. Yeah. Is that the right term? Disability. Disability. Is affliction wrong? No, but it feels like in the name of Christ.

I didn't call you a crooky. And that was really big of you. Thank you. It's called Free Driggs. Ataxia. Friedrich, what? Friedrich? Attaxia.

I don't know why he would attack you. What's his problem? Friedrich should not attack you. That's what happened. What kind of, that's, is that like a guy's name? Sherman guy. Friedrich attacks you. Get off his lawn.

Real grumpy guy. That's just, I don't like that name. It sounds like the guy who invented yogurt. Yeah. Or he sounds like a, like a... Mr. Yogurt, Mr. Gert. Mr. Gert? He sounds like a guy, a German guy who plays like the exilophone at October Fest.

It's Friedrichatia. I don't like it. It's like Lou Gehrig's disease. Like, why do we have to give people's names? Like, there's no Mickey Mouse disease. There's no Barry Manilow disease. Why would you want to be named after? The disease.

Or, like, have your name. Yeah, give me a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It's Harlan leukemia. Yeah. It's Harlan bowel cancer. Like, no. How about a, you know,

accredited SAG after or something? Yeah, what the heck? Who are these people? Do they get royalties? Maybe that's what it is, a money grab. Huh? And it all makes sense. Big Pharma.

Sorry, sir, you have Barry Maniloha chemia. Chick-ching Barry gets a royalty Yeah Oh God Yeah And from what I've heard It's a very limited

amount of the population That gets Mm-hmm Only 5,000 people in the U.S. I bet Yes, I'm very special Well, let's not brag

I mean I'm not I'm kind of a big Let's not No, you'll look at me Well, I could shut the... You know what, just for that? Screw you. Folks, that's it for...

No, I'm kidding. We are lucky to have you. Have you ever been trapped in the wheelchair? Like, you ever get rolled up against a wall and you can't, like, manipulate the... I on tour one time. I was coming out of the groomroom. It was right up.

after the show ended. Uh-oh. And some fan, like, kept trying to, like, get in my face, and I didn't know what he was doing, and I kept back, and I'm like, all right, go, you know. And he backed me into a wall, and he was trying to kiss me on my mouth. What? And I freed out.

I know. Now I get, oh, that boy. I never told you about that. Well, I think that wasn't that it? No. That's not, oh, that boy, that's not it, pressed against a wall and tried to kiss you. Okay, let's hear the... By the way, just before we get to the oh, that boy, are you, do you like science and physics?

No. Okay, well, I'm going to give you a little now that can help you if you're ever backed up against a wall again in the wheelchair and Damien. And you need a quick getaway, so some guys aren't trying to kiss you. This is science. This isn't me. Stand up. No? Sneezes.

come out at over 100 miles an hour, and that's scientific, and farts come out at around seven miles an hour. So if someone's got you up against the drywall in a wheelchair, if you sneeze and fart at the same time, that's 107 miles an hour, you can get the hell out of there. That's it. Thank you. And by the way, a fart in kilometers is 11 kilometers an hour if you're in the metric system. I will never learn the metric system. All that. Then stick with a seven mile an hour fart, a hundred mile an hour sneeze, and I love that. See ya, wouldn't want to be you, play ya.

Uh. There it is. I don't know why I did, uh. I know. What's that? What was that? Uh. Stupid, like a moose.

I know. Are you mocking me? No. No. No, no, no. No, I'm not mocking you. But I will. I will if you let me.

I could mock you too You go first Oh bacon A Sorry about them Okay Now you're mocking Canadians You gotta mock me as an individual

Laudy pops Ice cream That was so fun Okay tell the The boy story now Because that pertains to Matt Right yeah Yeah finish that one please

Sorry I diverted It's okay I can't believe we got back here I forgot. This is a professional podcast. This goes out all over the world. Oh, my God. Unlike Theo Vaughn and Rogan and all the others, they're just local.

I grew all of, there's someone right now in Tibet watching this. Wow. Hi, Tibet. Hi, Ling, Tao, hi. That's his name. Oh, wow. So go ahead, tell the, oh, that boy. So we start shooting sketches.

Yeah. And then, you know, I'm trying to figure out if he likes me, too. I can't tell. And I got my first feature set. Like, I got the feature for Bob the Drag Queen. Oh, wow. Do you know that? I don't know that, but.

Real famous. How many minutes was the set? Well, I thought I was doing 20, and I was like, all I have is 20. Yeah. Like, I can do this. I was new. and then I get there and Bob was like

hey it's a two person show you're doing 30 oh oh oh wow yeah and I was like stalling but I did it I just talked a little slower smart

you can't be me shark yeah I'm feel and just like that they love that they ate it up yeah but I was so nervous yeah

and Matt like on his own accord just like came over to my house the day I was doing it made me do my set to him over and over again. Wow. Yeah. Because he like really, he cared. Yeah. And he couldn't be there because he had his own show somewhere else. And he came after the show and hung out in the green room and Aubrey did drive me and Lucy at Zaney's home. Oh. And I was like, I have been drinking. a little bit so I was more confident, you know. Mm-hmm. It's always that booze.

I'm a real affliction. You're a real affliction. You're an alky? The real reason I'm in the wheelchair. You're not. That was Damien, folks. That wasn't Fiona. That was Damien the Shining again.

Yeah. Wow, a little rascal. And me and Lucy get in his car, And I was like, drop Lucy out first. I'm not done hanging out. He still had no idea I was hitting on him. Wow, you're good. You were sort of controlling the drop Lucy off first.

Yeah. And so we drop her off in the moment she's out of the car. I was like, do you think I'm pretty? And he was like, I mean, yeah. And I was like, cool, cool, cool. But like, do you think I'm hot? And then I think he understood I was ending on him. And he was like, yeah.

And I was like, I like you. Wow. Yeah, and he was like, I like you do. And then it went back to my house and wanted to love on the spectrum. Okay, yeah. Yeah. And then I asked him to get to me, and he said no, because I've been drinking

and he thought it was not a good way to have the first guest. So he's a busy. That's Damien talking. That's a good honorable man right there. Oh my. This guy's a winner. I know.

Can we bring him in for a sexual people? Hey, Matt. Come on in. We got to show the people. people, the wonderful guy, husband. My prize. Yeah, come on in and stand beside your wife here, my guy. We want the world to see you.

If you don't mind that is, come on in and stand with Fiona. Folks, we want to introduce the world to Matt and get yourself lined up and there you are. Look at that. There's Matt. Yeah, we were just hearing the story about how you guys met. Oh, thank God. And she said you were very honorable. She asked you to kiss her, but she was hammered and bouncing off the walls.

And you're like, no, no, Maddie doesn't do that. Do you remember the first kiss? No, we didn't get to that part. Can you tell us? Because I want to hear the truth, not Damien the wheelchair's version. Yeah. So tell us, what was that first kiss? It was actually the day I came back over to hang out.

and we were going to a show and it's not insanely romantic. Sorry, it's not insanely romantic but we were going to a show. Where were we going? It was our first date.

Oh yeah, we were going to fat bites. Well, it was nice while it lasted. Okay, first bites, what's that? Fat bites.

It's a... Fat bites? Is that the opposite of Jenny Craig? It's where we send our skinny kid. Our kid needs more weight. Send them to fast bites.

What the hell? Fat bites. God. Is this real? Are you lying to me? Fat bites is the opposite. I think this is Damien doing more to work on you. Okay, so you're at fat bites.

We're not even at fat bites. You're not even there. No. He begs me up. Yeah, I got to pick her up and we're going outside to go to the car. And she's like, oh my God, it's gross outside. and I just go, you're gross outside and give her a kiss.

Do we want to reenact the kiss? Just say the words, reenact. So just that, act it out. It's gross out, but. Okay, cut, cut, take two, and action. We're going to do it until you get it right, in the name of Damien. And action.

Cut. Guys, we got a schedule to keep. Take three. And fat cuts, action. Okay, cut, take four. And... Cut for no reason. And...

And focus and action. It's gross, that's right. Yeah. And cut. Guys, we got to make our day. We got to make our day. our day. The cameras are rolling. Every second is money. And action. It's gross outside. You're gross outside. Just like that. Cut print. Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, Matt, thank you so much, Matt. You're an angel, my guy. Thank you. Oh, what a sweetheart. Did we get the part? You get the part. Thank God. I'm this close to. wanting to do a kiss with Matt. And I'm straight. But what a darling. Would you be jealous? No. I mean, if you're going to hang out

with your lesbian principal, I should be able to get all homo erotic with Maddie. I get the want. No, what a sweetheart. Yeah. Oh. Well, before we go,

I want to, have you ever heard of love hate, love hate relationship? Because I think this could be therapeutic for anybody who does have to deal with a wheelchair. and this might be tough, but I went to DeVry and studied psychology.

This might be a little tough, but we're going to do this. We're going to do a little wheelchair psychology. You may have Damien, but I have Priscilla. Oh, shit. And so what I want to do is because you're sort of joined at the hip to this. Both hips.

I want to do. That was good. but I want to do a little love-hate therapy because I'm guessing you have a love-hate relationship with your wheelchair. Yeah. So I'm going to give you the opportunity, and this is all based off my DeVry training, by the way.

Oh, wow. I'm going to give you the opportunity to get rid of all your hatred, all the animosity. I'm going to let you vent on this wheelchair verbally. And then we're going to switch the channel and we're going to let you fawn and be adoring so that people can see the yin and the yang of a relationship between a human being and a wheelchair.

Uh-huh. Are you ready for this? This is going to be intense, and if you need to cry or whatever. Cry to cry. So here's the start, and I'll just give it motion to sort of help and start with,

what do you hate about your life with a wheelchair? I hate. That the sea's not comfortable. Gotta live your life in it. Hitting your ankles on the foot pedals. They don't see you when you cross the street, so you're almost in two-wheeled dirt. You're doing good, let it out, girl.

The dirt tracks in the house. It's a lot of dirt. Losing bolts. They fall out. I said, why? And they said, I think you use. the church too much. I hate that

only comes in one color. I would like different colors. If you want to, and this is part of my training, if you want to yell at that wheelchair, if you want to get some anger out, this is part of the therapy. I am monotone to mono-emotional. No one knows what that means.

Okay, did you get everything out? I feel, yeah, I feel pretty good about that. Okay. Now, the second part of the psychological task, the love-hate relationship, what do you love about your wheelchair? They're getting me places. Let me skip lines. That's very cool. I always have a cup holder. That's nice. Real nice. Skipping lines and a cup holder. Yeah. I bring my own seat to every function. I don't have to worry about that. people are jealous I say them stare

thank you for letting me run into people and it looks like an accident that's fun I didn't know about that one so you can kind of enouserate your aggression towards people and be like, whoops they apologize to you beautiful thank you for the parking

you provide and to get parking that ribs Do you ever think that Matt married you just for that thing in the window? The placard? All the time, yeah. I don't know. No, because what I saw there, that kiss, no, he's... And do you want, do you want this on your body?

Do you want this rolling on you in any way? Do you want this touching? Are you okay? Yeah, maybe not. It is Wednesday, so... Okay, I'm just asking. Sometimes people like to touch, like I... You know, like...

Damn him will get jealous if I touch another wheelchair. I want to doubt the ramifications of that. Is this erotic in any way? I think there are a lot of people you should be... Is this free? No, this is pay-per-view wheelchair sex. Are you kidding me? Perfect.

It's hard to find. And you're out. You did it. Do you feel any... Do you feel... Feel like I could walk. my therapy worked. Yeah, it's all you did.

Now I'm going to live to 102. I hope you live way beyond that, my love. I hope that's stupid. We want you to live to like 120 just despite your doctor. I don't want that. You don't? How long do you want to live? I always said 103.

And I always wanted to live over 100, but my theory was that the brain is such a mega-computer. The brain is so in tune with us that I think the brain responds to psychological cues and commands. So if you just go through your life and eat Burger King and go on the treadmill now and then and just go, I'm going to live and die. But you know, sometimes you're in pain and you tell your brain, cut off that pain. Or you tell your brain to do these things and somehow it achieves. it. Well, I figure if I

tell my brain, if I sort of program it and tell it I want to live to 103, then it's going to modulate all the chemistry of my body and sort of tell my body to stretch it out to 103.

That's crazy what you learned at Dubry. Debray, yeah. Dubri. Yeah, Dubri. Duvri. Which rhymes with goodbye, but not yet. We have our final segment, Fiona. It's called Words from a Wooden Shoe.

And what you do is you reach inside. You pull out a random word and see if it triggers a story from your wonderful journey in life. Okay. Any word you want, anyone at all. And see what it says. Our final segment here on the Harland Highway. What do we got? Somebody farted.

Okay. Do we have a fart story? Who? Somebody who? Matt farts a lot. No, I do have a farts. Here we go. Here we go, Gary. I think so.

People don't think about this, I don't think. But one of the worst parts about being in the chair is rolling through a crowded area. Everyone's farting. I'm my butt level. Oh, you're right there. Pink eye. You got pink eye from a,

A fart? I could. You could, yeah. But all I smell is farts when I'm in crowded rooms because I'm right there. Stop farting around wild chirpy. Oh, my God. You're going to Cracker Barrel must be a nightmare for you. Yeah. You're lucky you're not blind.

Yeah, not yet. You're right at asshole level. Yeah. You're right at the Farts Magic Door. That's why I married a short guy because I'm at belly button level with him. Right. So his butts probably comes up. to below your mouth where you have to breathe and your eyes.

Oh, you've married an anti-pepper sprayer, I guess. Exactly. I was smart about it. Wow. Well, I've got to tell you, Matt is wonderful. Fiona, you're wonderful. I had a blast here today. Thank you for having me. Are you kidding? Next time you're here, we're going to do an exorcism and clean up Damien, the wheelchair. And then before we go, because Fiona is two of She's doing stand-up comedy. You might have seen her on The Tonight Show on Kill Tony, but I want you to plug your Instagram,

your comedy schedule where everyone can come and see you. When is this coming out? That's between me and Damien. This will come out within the next probably two weeks, so if you want to just keep it broad. But we might save it. I might just save it till you're 40. It'll skyrocket in value.

That's smart. But please, Fiona, tell them where they can come and enjoy your comedy and see you. You can find me on Instagram and TikTok at Fiona Colley. And you go to my website if you want tickets to my tour, Fiona Colley.com. And me and Matt have a podcast. Oh, wow. It's called Ramping Up.

I love it. Yeah. Great. A little on the nose. That's okay. All right. It's starting to pick a bullet. Good.

Yeah. We love it. Go follow that. Is it on YouTube? Okay. It's on my YouTube. Yep. Your YouTube.

Yeah. I'm on door. Yeah. Come see me. The bucket. Oh, baby. Well, listen. We had a great time here today, folks.

Fiona Collie. That's it for today. Folks, watch out for Damien when you're out in the streets. He's an evil wheelchair. And he's going to come and run you over. He gets the chance. It's not me.

It's Damien. That's it for today. Thank you, Fiona. Folks, you've been on to Halle Highway podcast. And until next time, chicken chival. Chow Mane, baby. And be safe out there.

We did it. Yeah. Did we do it? I think we did. Oh, no. Oh, idiot. Do you have another hour? Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly?

It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh? You get to pick the topic you want me to discuss. Give me some talking points and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.

Hey, everybody, Harland here. And my brand new books are out. the things you don't know, you don't know. Volumes one and two, if you need a laugh, it's full of things you don't know. Did you know that pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes? Did you know that rhinoceroses are just big, fat, white trash unicorns? It's all there in volumes one and two. Pick them up on Amazon.com.