The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK # 36 - Harland is on vacation.

Episode Date: July 23, 2015

More classic monkey business while harland is on va-cay!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All aboard! You just made a wrong turn. Heavens to Murgatroyd, even. On to the Harland Highway. You've got cancers at the anus? My George, I think he's got it. Stop it. Stop it!

You're busting my heart. Heavens to Murgatroyd even. God, I love that guy. Who says even after every line? Let's make love, even. What if the last word in his sentence was even? And then he had to put an even on top of that. Like, let's say he made a bet with someone.

And he was like, why don't I just give you $20? And we'll call it even. even i don't know it still sounds sexy to me anyway speaking of sexy um is home depot sexy do you think it's sexy to go to home depot guys you ever you ever go to home depot and there's a hot girl in home depot do you find that sexy i think i kind of find it sexy i remember i was in home depot once years ago and i was just wandering around looking for screw pardon the pun and nails and hammers and lumber and a friend of mine came around the corner with her friend who was pushing a cart who was really hot she had like a little spring or summer dress

on and just looked really good it was late at night it was one of those 24-hour home depots and i think it was like 10-11 at night and it was this hot girl in Home Depot. So I guess my question is, guys, does it intensify the hotness when A, it's a hot girl, but B, you're surrounded by building materials? You know, plumbing and electrical and garden supplies, fertilizer and hoses and timber. Throw a hot girl into the soup.

And does it make her hotter? I don't know. It did for me, just being honest. And believe it or not, this girl was shopping, and this was even kind of hot. It created an interesting vision. She told me she was shopping for a screen door. I mean, honestly, how often do you meet a human being? Has anyone in your life ever said to you, I'm shopping for a screen door? Have you ever walked up the aisle of your grocery store and some haughty says,

I'm shopping for a screen door? Oh, aisle 7. thank you I think they're on sale thank you they got some great colors thank you that's enough sorry

so here was this hot girl in a little summer dress in Home Depot with a big orange Home Depot cart and she was shopping for a screen door and suddenly I pictured like some little cabin

or a house out in the middle of nowhere in the country you know with a long dirt driveway and maybe some crops on either side, a scarecrow, maybe some rows of corn and some hay on the other side of the field. And you kind of take a turn off the dirt country road up the long dirt driveway, you know, it's a football field length away. And there's the house, kind of a beat-up old farmhouse, right? You drive up, you stop the car and you wait for the dust

to float by the window before you open the door. You open the door and immediately the hot summer air hits you. And instantaneously, a couple of flies just do a quick little buzz past your face. You stand up and look around and it's quiet. All you can hear is some crickets chirping. Right? Maybe a bird in the distance. maybe a cicada

in the distance and there's a beat of sweat already coming down the left side of your forehead because it's that hot you stand up and you kind of lean on the window rim of your car and you look up towards that house there's an old porch with a rocking chair

maybe a few shingles missing from the roof There's an old barn and a silo out in the back. You can kind of see through the front screen door, but not really, so you start walking dust on your shoes. You get to the old wooden steps on the porch. There's only about four of them you walk up two. You just step up that third step. You're looking in through that screen door on that old farmhouse.

and you can kind of see down a black hall and just as you start to step on that fourth step you see kind of a human form fade into view from the black and it's heading right towards the screen and all of a sudden you're almost at the screen door and there's that beautiful girl in the summer dress from Home Depot

suddenly standing on the other side of that screen door Oh, God, okay, and that's as far as I'm going to go. But it's kind of romantic, right? Am I wrong? No, yes, I don't know. You tell me, you tell me in an email or a phone call. 323, 215, 1486, go to Harlanwilliams.com, and you can write me. I don't know. There's a lot more at a Home Depot. We're going to talk about more Home Depot right after this.

Okay, I want to know who the guy is that invented garbage bags. He was sitting around being a bum. His mother was like, why don't you go out and do something with your life, Elwood? I don't want to. Get off your ass and go invent something. Okay, I'm going to invent something that you throw in the garbage. What the hell are you talking about? Garbage bags, man. Go back to picking clover's in the grass, you dork. Yeah, some guy came up with the idea.

He's going to invent something that you buy and throw in the garbage. Why you just walk down to your garbage can every week and a half and rip up a $20 bill, throw it in the garbage. Then you don't have to spend all that money on garbage bags. Hello. it's harland williams oh yeah you can get garbage bags at home depot you can get grass seeds you can get barbecues you can get weed whackers you can get outdoor lights you know the drill but um you ever notice you know the guys and girls that work at home depot they're just um they're just guys you know i don't especially think of them of having law degrees or doctorates or uh dissertation or, you know, whatever. I pretty much think the good folks is pretty blue-collar.

You know, they're nine-to-fifers, or they work the late shift. And no disrespect to them. But have you ever noticed when you go to Home Depot, they don't address their employees as employees, their associates? Isn't that a bit debonair? You're at a place to buy some grass seed and some barbecues lighter fluid and some nails. And the guy who's helping you in Isle 7 is an associate?

You know, you've heard it, right? You're in there and over the damn, the Home Depot loudspeaker, it's like, Yeah, can I get an associate to aisle 7? The associate to aisle 7? You know, we get an associate to plumbing. Can we hear an associate to plumbing first? Right?

And it just about deafens you. It's like all you can hear Just for a minute They're playing some nice Muzac Like a Chicago song If you leave me now You take away the biggest part of me

Yeah, Assosured to I'll get Associate to I-O-9 Grass Seed and Lumber I-L-9 Associate Shut up What are you talking about Associate? What'd you go to Harvard?

No. You're just a guy. You're a Zit-Faced guy. How about... How about... Can I get the pimple-faced, overweight middle-aged nerd to aisle 12 for paint? Paint and stain, please.

Zit-faced nerds for aisle 12. How about that? Let's call it what it is, okay? Let's keep it real. And God, could that loudspeaker be any more annoying? I mean, how often does that... they need somebody and suddenly they're an associate at home depot give me a break man and have you notice the lines at home depot aren't they something else those lines right like what i'm what i'm

getting at is let's say you're in line at home depot or first of all let's say you're in line at the grocery store right you could you could have maybe six people in front of you that line might be about eight feet long, okay? You get into Home Depot, you could have three people in front of you, and that line could be about 229 feet long. Like I was at Home Depot

a couple of weeks ago. Okay, the guy at the front of the line was checking out with a beam for the inside of his barn. It was about 65, 80 feet long. Then the guy in front of him, behind him, rather, had like three points.

Palm trees, okay, full-grown palm trees, and then the guy after him had a tool shed. And I got a paintbrush and a bag of screws. And I pretty much need binoculars to see the end of the line and see if the cashier is even open. What a weird place, Home Depot. But, hey, that's where the sexy girls are in the middle of the night, buying screen doors.

Welcome to my fantasy. Could I get a pervert to aisle five, a pervert to aisle five, screen doors, aisle five. We have a sexual fantasy from a screen door pervert in aisle five. Not true, not being a perv, just, you know, I mean, that's kind of an innocent fantasy, isn't it? A little freckle-faced farm girl and a little summer dress, standing behind the screen door, a little bit of sweat running down her face, a cold lemonade in her hand, And she got that little country voice. Hi, mister, but I help you?

Yes, I'm here to... Oh. Yes, Mr. Cat got your tongue? No, I'm... I'm here to... I'm just going to be at Home Depot if you need me. Okay, Mr. Don't forget. Something surprise.

Some of his supplies are an aisle five. Why, you little ass, associate? Yeah, that's what I meant. That's associate. Oh, Home Depot. HD. Home Depot and HD. That's as clear as it's going to get here on the Harland Highway.

Oh, man, I wish I had never watched the movie Deer Hunter. I don't know if you remember the scene where Christopher Walkin and Robert De Niro are doing the Russian roulette thing. So last week, I decided to, based on that movie, challenge Donald Duck to a round of Russian roulette. He lost. Donald's no longer with us, and I thought that was the end of it. But suddenly I became the tough guy on the block, and you know what happens when you're the tough guy on the block. Everyone wants to challenge you. So then Mr. Magoo comes in. he wants to go at it with me he lost he's no longer around and now apparently we've got

Mickey Mouse here and he wants to take me on hello hi Mickey look are you sure you want to do this man you better believe it sucker okay you know it I'm just you're an icon you're you're a Disney icon I just don't want to lose you because somehow I'm good at this oh bring it on sucker here we go Mickey Mouse and me Russian roulette who wants to go first me or you I'll go first okay here's the gun thank you Mao Mao Mao Mao Mao oh I made it through this round yeah I guess you did okay your turn sucker Mau, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, I got you, Mickey. I made it through. Back to you. Oh. Mao, bow, bow, meow, meow, bow. Mao, bow. I made it through again, sucker. All right, take it easy with the name calling.

Up yours. Okay. Back to you, idiot. Now I want you to lose. bow bow bow bow bow bow wow oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh well well i hope that's a lesson to everyone enough is enough i don't want any more challenges i'm the russian roulette champion Let's just leave it there. Can we get this cleaned up in here? I got mouse guts all over the console.

Thank you. Harland Williams. Oh, poor dear Mickey. Oh, God. He's dead. Is Mickey even relevant anymore, though? I mean, honestly, this isn't a dig at Disney. I mean, Disney helped build my damn house.

I don't despise Disney in any way, but this is just go straight to the heart. of cartoon kingdoms and characters and icons. Is he, is Disney, is, is Mickey and Donald and goofy and all those characters relevant anymore? Do kids even know who they are? Do they like them? I mean, in this world of video games and MTV stars and is there really a place anymore for a mouse wearing short? and suspenders and white gloves? Is there a place for a duck or a dog named Goofy or Palluto?

I don't know. I mean, it's kind of weird because Disney still kind of works these cartoon characters, like they're relevant. You know, you still see them out there on TV and dancing around and everybody's happy and confetti's going off and the guy actually wearing the suit's probably got diarrhea and his guts are twisting up inside, but yet outwardly it looks like everything's happy in mouse world

and minnie's got her street walking shoes on. Have you noticed Minnie Mouse wears those pumps? She's supposed to be this like little housewife of a mouse and she's wearing the hooker shoes. But I don't know. I feel like it's a little bit forced nowadays. I feel like they're trying to keep something that's really old and dated, fresh and alive, and it's just, it almost feels insincere, and nobody's buying it.

Like, you go to Disneyland, and it's like, yay, Mickey, yay, hi kids. And it's like, who? What? Nice voice, dude. Where's the guy from Halo? Where's the, uh, where's the zombies? Where's, uh, where's Laura Croft, Tum? What, a mouse who hasn't gone into puberty yet?

No, not yet, but it's, I think I have some hairs down there. I don't know. I mean, look, it's all cute and fun, but I don't know. I don't know that they really have much of a place anymore. It's like, it's like bring them back an old like Wonderbread TV commercial. White bread filled with niacin and rivaflavin and part of your kids delicious. daily diet before you send them off to school or to play baseball in the sandlot, remember to make them a nice ham and cheese wonder bread sandwich. Right, moms? You know, it's got that

Norman Rockwell nostalgia. I don't know. Maybe Disney has to revamp their little cartoon list. Maybe Disney has to, you know, have like a Disney funeral for, you know, Mickey maybe stage it one day that you know every now and then at Disney World one of the rides flies off the tracks and kills a human maybe they could stage it that a roller coaster a log ride flies out of the water and crushes Mickey's head against a snack bar wall and then they can do a whole media blitz and Mickey Mouse dead oh no and then all the other characters are so grief-strick and they shoot themselves or they they pull a that a Jim Jones Coulton drank poison Kool-Aid. That way they can just kind of get rid of them all at once. They get some huge press, but then all of a sudden they roll out the modern-day, you know, 21st century Disney characters.

Would it hurt Disney to have one of their little lovable characters have a gun in its hand? Maybe a machine gun or something more up with the times? Hello, Disney. Kids love murder. Um, hello. It's so sad, but it's true. I mean, you put the Columbine shootings next to Disneyland, and you tell me which image is more skewed,

which image is more in denial and in fantasy land than the other one. I'm sorry, Mickey, the times they have it changed, my friend. and maybe Disney needs some fresh new characters, updated characters, to welcome us to Disneyland. Just a thought, what do you think? Let me know, write me an email at Harlanwiliams.com or call the Harland Hotline, the Harland Highway Hotline. Wow, it's hard to say anything with three Hs in a row.

323-215-1486. Tell me what you think. we should do with Mickey Mouse in this modern day era. Can't wait to hear from you here at the Harland Highway. I got to address a situation we have going on here in America. It's called obesity. It's called Woolly Mammoth from the Ice Ageitis. Okay?

I'm going to talk about being fat right now. And if you're fat, don't be offended because that's no. not what this segment is about to offend you. There's a lot of fat people in this country and it didn't hit me until I was at a theme park over the holidays. I went to one of the big theme parks down in Florida, me and my girlfriend, and we're trucking around. And I'm telling you, man, there was more flubber waddling around that park than I thought it was on safari in Africa. We're going through the hippos. I mean, everywhere you look,

they were just a big, flubbery beast. And the sad thing is, it wasn't just the adults. There were a whole herd of chubby kids, fat kids. You know, when you see one kid, and at first you think it's a little gang of kids, you know, a bunch of kids playing, and then you get closer,

and you realize it's just one fat kid, but he's so big, he looked like the whole group. All right, I said I wouldn't make fun of fat people, and that's not what this is about. What I'm doing, people, is it's a new year. All right, this is a public service announcement from me, from the bottom of my heart. Stop the madness.

Stop the eating. Stop the excuses. Stop the, it's my metabolism. Stop, it's my thyroid. stop I've got a condition uh-uh that could have played a few years ago but now it is out of control i'm not kidding i was walking around every fourth person was a monster and what needs to happen is people have to start going i got to stop eating so much i got to start exercising i got to do something about this there's no little magic pill there's no just

hoping it'll go away. All I had was four subs and some fried chicken and some shrimp poppers. Why shouldn't I have a cake for dessert? Please, people. The guy that was walking us around the park told me that when he walked foreigners from Europe around the park, they were appalled. And I'm telling you this because I want you to be healthy. I want you to slim down.

I want you to take personal responsibility. for your appearance and your health and your state of mind and your well-being and setting an example for your kids and for everybody. Yeah, I'm being a bit of a preacher today, people, but it's all for you.

I want to see you make it. I want to see you slim down and look good to yourself first and then to everyone else who has to lays eyes upon you. Let's make it a, thing this year look in the mirror envision who you want to be and get there hope to see you nice and slim and yes i should feel a little guilty for preaching to you there but honestly this this is for

real you got to take care of yourself it really is so easy just to eat junk and not exercise and just go well i'm already in this condition i'm not going to change i recommend this this season you watch this show and you know a lot of people hate reality shows but i like this reality show because this reality show deals with seeing people make a physical change which ultimately leads to a mental change i want to watch the show the biggest loser the reality show the biggest loser and you'll see people 380 pounds 400 pounds, women over 250, women over 300, men over 400, just giant people. And you'll see these people with a little commitment and a little education and a little caring for themselves.

You'll see these people lose mega amounts of fat. and of course they're in a controlled environment but that's not the point the point is that if you put your mind to getting in shape to getting rid of those unwanted pounds to living a healthier lifestyle you can do it there's no reason you shouldn't and yes I'm being preachy but good

because you need it if you're overweight and you're listening to this and you know you can do better but you're not well I'm inviting you to try and do better for yourself because you're worth it, you need it, and it's not about, oh, I hope people walking around

think I'm gorgeous, okay, that's a side benefit. This is about you being healthy and being happy and living long and not dying slowly and miserably and internally just being eaten alive by your own obesity. So there you go, Dr. Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway. And I hope I don't offend anyone who's overweight who's listening. But again, this is about trying to light a fire under your ass. And I hate to say it, but your ass is so fat.

I can't even get some kindling or a piece of paper or a charcoal briquette under that ass. Because it's too fat to lift. So let's just, let me put it this way. I'm lighting a fire around your fat. ass and then once you lose about 40-50 pounds then i'll put something underneath it when i can get under there and i'll light another fire right under your ass so you keep going okay why because i care we care here at the harland highway um it's tough love you know what they say if you really care about someone you'll tell them the truth and if they can't handle it so be it but you've told them the

truth and you've shown them that you care and you want them to do better in life and i ain't being a preacher i ain't being uh you know i'm better than you i'm just one human from another it's as if we're walking through the forest and you're about to step in a bear trap and i went hey don't step there why not well there's a bear trap there you're going to put your leg in a bear trap walk around it oh thank you well that's what i'm doing here you're not healthy I'm asking you to walk around it and get better. And by the way, that bear trap, there was a chocolate cake sitting. No, no, there wasn't.

Stop it. Get better. Get healthy. Be of sound body, but don't be of sound mind. Keep listening to me, Harlan Williams, here at the Harlan Highway. Chicken Chalmain, baby. Boy, that's splendid. Thank you.

Thank you.