The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK #37 - Harland is on vacation

Episode Date: July 27, 2015

Still on vacay - new episodes starting in Aug! Sweeeet! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All aboard! You just made a wrong turn. Heavens to Mercutroy, even. On to the Harland Highway. You've got cancers at the anus? My George, I think he's got it. Stop it! Stop it! You're busting my heart. It's Harlan Williams.

Yes, yes, there goes the bombs. Harland Williams here on the Highland Highway. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I imagine if that was my intro every night. How quickly would you turn this show off? If that was the way I introduced my son. Ireland Williams.

You're like Charles Nelson Riley's demonic stepchild. But either way, you're here. Great to have you. God, it's bloody good to have you here. Sitting here in front of the fireplace, eh, with the whole family gathered round, listening to the Holland Highway with a cuppa in your hand.

and some marshmallows twirling around on an old pine stick roasting marshmallows and having a cup of tea and listening to the island eye way, right? Yeah, right. You imagine if we still lived in a day in an age when families huddled around? Excuse me, I just swallowed a fly.

kind of good there's another one imagine the family's still huddled around their radios and listened to radio shows can you even believe that that's what people did at one point in time unreal

so hold on hold on somebody's at my door here hang on let me get the door somebody obviously doesn't know I'm in the middle of a broadcast Let me get the door. Hello.

Hello, it's me, Senor Fuentes. Well, Senor Fuentes. Yes, I'm Senor Fuentes. You're a gardener, man. Yeah, I know you're my gardener. Can you see I'm in the middle of something? I just came to tell you, man, that I finished doing the work in your lawn.

Okay, great. Thank you very much. And I guess I'll send you a check. Yeah, I just wanted to let you know I finished sodomizing your lawn Pardon me I sodomized your lawn What do you mean you

You sodomized my lawn I did like you told me I sawamize your lawn, senor I'm senor Fwentat I know who you are What are you talking about You sodomized my lawn See, senor, you told me to put the sod down

on your lawn, right? Yes, I asked you to lay some fresh sod. So, I sodomized your lawn, senor. You did not sodomize my lawn. You put fresh sod on my lawn. It's not sodomizing. Well, remember when I fertilized your lawn? Yes, I remember you fertilized my lawn. Yeah, you asked me to fertilize your lawn, so if I put fertilizer down on your lawn, what am I doing to your lawn, signor? You're fertilizing my lawn. Okay, so if I put sod down on your lawn, what am I doing to your lawn, senor?

You are sodomizing my... There, see you said it? No, no, you tricked me into that. You're sodding my lawn. You say tomato, I say tomato. Okay, don't go that... You say potato, I say potato. Stop it.

You say Fuentes. I say Fuentes. Okay. Can you... Thank you for sawed... Thank you for putting fresh sod on my lawn, Senor Fuentes. You may go.

I got down on my knees on your lawn, and I slowly with my hands, I spread it all around, and pushed it, just pushed it down. Just on my hands and knees, I sodomized your lawn. I know what you did and I think maybe you have your words a little backwards no senor I was there and even some of the neighbors were watching me sodomize your lawn it took

me a couple of hours signor okay thank you and then I spilled my seed all over your lawn pardon me I spilled my seed what do you mean you spilled your I don't want to know what you mean. I spilled my seed after I finished sodomizing. Stop it. Signor, I'm just telling you, I have to give you a... I have to charge you for these services. Okay, okay, okay.

Here is your receipt, signor. Wait a minute. What is this? One sodomizing of lawn and one spilling of the seed on the lawn? Get this away from me. You know, that's incriminating. Senor, I just need to be paid for sodomizing, and then the bag ripped open,

and I spilled my seed all over your lawn. You spilled grass seed all over my sodomizing, all over my lawn. See, senor, the neighbors were watching that, too. Some of them were yelling and screaming. I felt like a champion. Okay, out. I will send you the check, Senor Fuentes.

Out. Senor Fuentes. Yes, we know who you are. Now, next time, do not come to my work. Just wait till I get home, okay? See, senor. Okay, are we done? See, senor, I just want to know if I can have to go ahead

to put the manure all over your lawn. Pardon me? Well, you said you wanted fresh manure on your lawn, right? Yes. Well, I haven't been to the bathroom, about two days. Get out of here! Can I grab some toilet paper before? Get out!

All right, I'll just use some leaves off the tree. Get out of here, Fernandez. What the hell? Fuentes. Get out of here, Senor Fuentes. Unreal. Sodomizing my lawn. For the record, he puts some sod down, and he ripped his bag of grass seed,

and I asked him to put some manure on there for fertilizer. Clearly, we're getting our channels crossed here, okay? And the sod was nice and soft and moist. Stop it! Out of here! Let's get out of here for a minute and cool off. We'll be back right here on the Harland Highway. And then I sprayed it with my hose all over the...

Get out of it! Hey, it's Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway, and it's late. The sun's gone down. The world's gone dark, and you're driving along down the Harland Highway, and you decide you're going to turn your high beams on. Yeah, you can see okay, but all of a sudden you flick that little switch, and it's like, it's like another like 20 yards opens up for you and I always feel like it's like that movie the hills have eyes right the minute you flick your high beams you think you're going to see all this extra stuff that wasn't there before

I always feel like I'm going to see like zombies standing on the side of the road with their eyes glowing and green stuff dripping down their mouths I didn't know they were there but as soon as I hit the high beams they were standing there on the side of the road yeah and then people coming at you the other way with the high beams on you come around a corner and you can see them from about 97 miles away they're like a lighthouse at the edge of the ocean and you're thinking oh they're gonna turn their high beams off they'll they'll probably get like a little bit closer and then they'll shut them off Okay, they're not quite off yet, but I'll give them another like 20, 30 feet. And they're still on and they're still on and then they get right up on.

You get laser eye surgery in the middle of the night as you're driving to Toledo. Then you have high beam wars, right? They're coming at you with their high beams. You're like, well, screw you, pal. You put yours on. It's a light war, man. Come to the dark side, Lexus. Oh, man.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Turn your high beams on, but turn them off when you're coming towards me. Keep it bright, keep it light. Get home safe tonight. And what's really frustrating to me is, a lot of people don't ever use their high beams. Have you noticed?

It drives me nuts, man. You'll be like, you know, driving home with a buddy or someone and you're out somewhere. There's no more street lights. And it's dark. It's nighttime. I always turn my high beams on. You know, what's it take? What's the energy?

A flick of your finger? And like I said, you got 30 extra y'allel. of light? You don't know what's going to come out at you at night. A rolling rock or a garbage can or a dog running out in the road or a kid with a hockey helmet wobbling down the middle of the street with fudge all over his cheeks. Who knows? But people that don't put them on it, what's the matter with you? It's a function. It was designed for your vehicle to illuminate the road. Use it. I think people think because they're in the city, they don't need Oh, I'm in the city.

I don't need high beams to go down that dark street there. It's the city. You're not even allowed to use the high beams, are you? I don't think so, eh? Yeah, you are. So use them. High beamy, baby. Hi beamy.

All right. On to something else. Speaking of shining lights, bright shining lights. A lot of young kids. have dreams. You know, we've all had dreams of stardom or being a rock and roll singer or a famous comedian. I don't know if I've ever had that dream. Um, or an actor or an actress, a politician, whatever. Some of you abandon your dreams. Some of you keep going with your dreams. Some of you get part way. Some of you make it and then realize you don't like it. But here's a little story.

and I'm going to tell it to you and see if there's anyone in your life like this and I like this story it's kind of a cute little story with a happy ending when I was a kid when I was about I don't know 24 there was a period of my life

where I like to go dancing I don't know why I just had the rhythm in me I love dancing I loved all that 80s music I grew up in the 80s music and there was sorry I keep coughing

I'm totally like I think I just swallowed a cockroach or something but I grew up in the 80s and there was this one club that I would go to in Toronto, Toronto Canada where I grew up called the Copa and it was kind of this big warehouse that they turned into like a dance club

with a bar in it and you know I'd never really been to a place like this in my life I've never been that much of a Mr. Social, get out on the street and hit the club scene. So a friend had turned me on to this club, took me there. And in Canada, the way it worked back in the day, was you could go to a club, you could drink until 1 o'clock, and then they turned on the lights and took the booze right out of your hands.

But at this club, because it was so big and it was such a hot club, they'd turn on the lights at one, take the drinks out of your hands. your hands, no booze around, and then at two, they'd turn the lights back off, and you could dance to like four in the morning. So I was a nut. I would, I had these little like Elvis Presley, Captain Kirk or greaser boots. You know, the kind with a little zipper up the side of your ankle. They just, they zip up right over the top of your ankle, and they're black and shiny. I think the monkeys were them way back when. But they had no traction. They were so great for dancing. You could just slide all around and move and just felt good man right so i'd be busting a move at the

copa and uh this is where the story gets off of me and on to somebody else thank you mr egomaniac there was this beautiful woman girl lady she was young she was like you know probably like in her early 20s 22 23 and she was very tall and she had long black black hair and great big eyes and great big white teeth and dimples when she smiled and kind of not classic like supermodel beauty but kind of very striking like just solid like very beautiful features and kind of stuck out of the crowd right and this this woman was the cigarette girl at the club she'd have a little tutu on or a little mini skirt And she had, she was well endowed, and she'd walk around with a little tray at her waist,

and it was full of Snickers bars and candy cigarettes and real cigarettes and, you know, whatever, gum and cigars and just little treats. And she'd walk around, and she looked kind of lonely, even though she was talking to everyone. So, you know, every now and then I'd just kind of chat with her. I'd stop and chat with her, and there was no, like, trying to pick each other. other up there was no wasn't really flirting it was just like she was there i was there and we just talked and you know she told me that she was you know a singer and she had a band and uh she was trying to make it and and you know i got to be honest i was like yeah okay you're selling cigarettes and you're going to be a rock star okay sure babe there was a little bit of that not a lot

you know i think anyone can make it but when you see someone stand around selling the old Snickers bars at three in the morning from a tray. You're a little skeptical, right? But I never fully doubted the girl. And I always thought she was really sweet and nice. I always hoped that her dreams came true. So cut to, you know, I don't know, six, seven years later. I'm watching the rock video channel up in Toronto, Canada up there.

It's called Much Music. Real original title there, huh? Much music. What do you want to call the video channel? Much music? Why? Because there's much music on it? Okay, Don.

So I'm watching Much Music, and lo and behold, who walks out? This cool rock star, this cool rock song starts playing. And you see the title, and the name of the band's called National Velvet. And the name of the song's called National Velvet. And the name of the song's. called the flesh under skin. I don't know what it means. They don't know what flesh under skin means.

I guess scientifically it's accurate. I guess you could say tissue and bone under skin if you want it, but maybe flesh under skin is sexier. But anyways, heading this band, the lead singer, the front person of this band, was my little cigarette girl. And I think her name's Maria. And I'm going to look it up for you here. But while I'm looking that up, I want you to listen to this song

because I always thought it was a catchy little song and it became a big hit in Canada, but not a lot of bands get out of Canada. So she went unrecognized, you know, everywhere else but her home country. And so I'm not a DJ. I'm not here to play songs or anything. But I just thought, you know, because I had a little bit of history with this girl, and I thought it was kind of a cute story with a little,

happy ending. I want to play her song. Now, again, it's Canadian, it's obscure, so I could not find it on iTunes. And believe me, they do not sell obscure Canadian bands down here at the DVD stores or whatever's left of the DVD stores. So this is kind of a cheap, bad, tinny recording of flesh under skin. But I thought, just for a kick, I'm going to play it. I thought it was catchy. I love little pop songs. And most of all, I was happy to see that my little cigarette girl stuck to her dreams. And she became a little rock star up in Canada. Here it is, folks. National Velvet, Flesh under skin. say critics that flash

flesh flesh on the skin I stare at making water that lets me cry to share a final touch with flesh flesh

on the skin I feel flesh on the skin I feel flesh on the skin I feel a conflict of sin, I feel, I will turn to ice, I feel no one's left today. I feel fresh under skin, I feel a conflict just in, I feel, I will turn to ice, I feel, I don't turn to ice, I feel no one's loved for an ice. As in empty parties, the horse never meets and everyone's dead and have become, everyone's dreams

I cry before I said They're plead and I'm fighting I'll be in touch But I need flesh Flesh Flesh under skin I feel flesh under skin I feel flesh under skin

I feel a conflict of sin I feel I was trying to eyes I feel What's up tonight? I feel flesh on the skin. I feel I'm completely destined. I'd be a level tonight.

I feel no one's left tonight. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, wow. Back in the dark Back in the dark ages were love and children, and nothing was sacred except much. Fresh, flesh on the skin. I'm scared naked water that lets me cry to share a final touch. We eat flesh, flesh, flesh on the skin.

I feel fresh on the skin, I feel a conflict of sin, I feel lust to ice, I feel No, what's that tonight? I feel blush under skin, I feel a conflict to sin, I feel my husband try to hoist, I feel, I'm trying to hoist, I know what's not tonight? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, I got flesh on the skin, I got a conflict of skin. I don't know the words. What do you think? Huh?

Kind of a catchy little tune, right? I like it, man. The more you listen to it, the more it's one of those pop tunes that kind of grows on you. It's kind of cool, man. And, you know, her name is Maria Del Mar. That's the lead singer's name. And if you want to see the video, if you want to see what she looks like, again, she's very kind of striking, kind of, the camera loves her, charismatic, and kind of takes over the screen. you can look on YouTube

just type in flesh under skin and if you still can't find it National Velvet but if you put in flesh under skin it should be the first thing that pops up and you can watch Maria

Delmar sing that song along with her band National Velvet which brings me back to you are you a little cigarette girl or a little cigarette boy? Have you got some dreams?

Are you working at a job and a nightclub? Or as a waiter, or at a car wash? Right? And you've got some hit songs in you or some hit movies or some hit TV shows. You got a dream? I hope you do. I hope you're able to pursue your dream.

I hope all the pieces are able to come together. It's not easy, okay, folks. I've been doing entertainment, you know, for free, the first part of my life, just to entertain people around me. And then professionally, since I was about 23, 24, and man, this is not, I repeat not, an easy industry. Now, that being said, I feel like I kind of fumbled through it, And, you know, I was naive and thought it was easy.

And I just kind of put my mind to things. And I was like, I can do that. And I'd go after it and I'd do it. And in my mind, it was all just where there's a will, there's a way. And if you pursued something hard enough, you'd get it. So that's what I did. But I realize now, you know, 25 years into the entertainment industry, I go, wow, okay, I had the willpower and the drive.

I had the approach and the plan of attack, but that's not enough. Somehow I pulled it off to get to where I'm at, which is a place where I'm very happy to be at and grateful and joy. But holy God, I have looked out the back of the caboose and just seen the bodies lying everywhere. The boys and the girls and the men and the women with the dreams who might have had a better approach than me or Sean Penn or who knows. Big stars, a little star.

But for some reason, you know, they didn't make it. And it is tough. A lot of elements have to come into play for your dreams to play. But don't give up. Don't put down your little cigarette tray yet. Be plugging away, man. Let those dreams come to life because we want to see you

dreaming and being successful and following your path to your destiny and you might finally be able to get off the Harland Highway and go down your own road. But not till the end of the show. We still got a few minutes left, so don't be dreaming on my time,

biotches. How? Okay, how many of you have been snagged by a friend? Do you know what I'm talking about? Snagged? I think you do. You know, you're sitting around. It's like Friday or Saturday.

And you're just chilling, man. You've got a beer gone or a big greasy can of ice cold Coke. You've got yourself a pizza. You've been working hard all week. You're like, man, I am just sitting on my duff. weekend player and all of a sudden your phone rings right it's one of your buddies it's a good buddy or it's a cute girl that you know like hey what are you doing like nothing i'm just totally chilling oh yeah what are you doing like in an hour nothing man i am just i mean i got nothing

going on and they're like oh cool well you want to help me move um Um, uh, I meant when I have nothing going on, I meant I got something going on in about half an hour. I put I got this little window right now. Yeah, you know what they do. They snag you. What are you doing, man? Nothing. Oh, um, can you come over and help me paint? Uh, paint what?

Well, I just moved into my new place, man. I need you to help me move and help me paint because you just said you're not doing nothing. yeah well i lied what do you mean you lied i'm a liar and you know what i never liked you um our whole friendship is a lie um everything you know about me is a lie i don't want to help you paint i don't want to help you move the only thing that's not a lie is i am sitting here doing nothing all day and that's the truth oh okay friend thanks now don't call me friend that was a lie remember Oh, yeah, don't try to snag me, player, because I'm busy relaxing here on the Harland Highway. Yeah, and where they really get you is when you own a truck, right?

If you own a pickup truck, you are a magnet for those friends that try to snag you. Oh, yeah, yeah. What are you doing this weekend? Nothing. Oh, great, you want to bring your truck over? Okay, what are we going to do? You're going to help me move. Yeah, right.

It's pretty brutal. But at least you can always take time to sit and relax and enjoy yourself here on the Harland Highway. Hope you had a great time today, man. I hope you enjoyed Maria Del Mar's song, Flesh Under Skin. Kind of fun. And if you want to give me any feedback on any. portion of the show or on Maria's song

let me know what you think of it maybe listen to it twice before you judge because sometimes when you first hear a song you're like wait what but then when you listen to it a second time you're like okay cool so let me know what you think if you want 323

215 1486 is the phone number 323 215 1486 or just email me at harland williams.com and maybe I'll throw your email into the show. And speaking on the show, we're dumb for today.

Hope you had a great time. Watch out for zombies. Load your rifle and keep them out of the watermelon patch. Until next time, keep it real in the deal. We'll catch you soon on the Harland Highway. Until then, chicken chowmaine, baby. conflict just in, I feel, I will train of ice, I feel, no one's left today. I feel fresh, I'm just in, I feel, a conflict just in, I feel, I'm in life, I feel, I'm trying to ice, I feel, no one's locked today.