The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK # 38 - Harland is finishing up his vacation.

Episode Date: July 30, 2015

Still on Vacay gang - NEW shows in Aug! Enjoy the oldy goldy!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All aboard! You just made a wrong turn. Heavens to Murgatroy, even! On to the Harland Highway. You've got... Cancers at the anus? My George, I think he's got it. Stop it! Stop it!

You're busting my heart! It's Harlan Williams. Okay, so here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here's the latest, everybody. Apparently now you can text 9-1-1. Okay, they started off in one of the states, and I'm guessing it'll spread like wildfire, and you can text 911 if you're in trouble,

which I think is pretty good, because imagine you have a home invasion or you're being chased and you're hiding behind a dumpster or you're, you know, hiding in your chimney. And, you know, last thing you want to do is fire up your cell phone and be like, Yeah, this is Kathy Smith, and I'm hiding behind a dumpster, and there's a guy right down the alley, and he doesn't know I'm here except he can hear me talking to you,

and I'm talking out loud on my phone. Right? You don't want someone to know where you're hot of you. You can't talk. Can you imagine dialing 9-1-1? There's some guy in your bedroom and you're in your closet and you're like, Yeah, I mean, I'm in my closet and I got it. Can you come in up?

Excuse me? What, ma'am? I'm in my closet. Can you speak up, ma'am? Ma'am, can you speak up? There's a guy in my closet. He's out of my bedroom. I'm hiding in my closet, you jackass.

Oh my God, he's a hush! Psh, pshah! Right? You can't give yourself away. right you got a you got a text i think it's great the only problem is what if your emergency what if you uh you got in a lawnmore accident and you cleaved your thumbs off right you turned the old lawnmore upside down to change the blade and you take both your thumbs off Good luck texting at that point.

You know, you get to 911 and they're just reading The F-T-F-Z-V-S-U-S-W-S-A. They text back. What are you saying, sir? F-W-S. Okay, this guy's clearly chopped his thumbs off. We cannot help you, sir. Oh, man, I think it's cool.

And I think you're cool, and thanks for being here at the Harlan Highway. We're going to have a great show today, and thanks for joining in. Let's rock it. Hello? Hello? To dance the bambas, it needs a little of grace. Bamba, bamba, bamba. Thank you, Halene.

Bye, bye, bye. Oh, man, that was so romantic. I don't speak French, but, oh, that just sounded unbelievably hot. Keep calling, my French listeners. Vue, Vue, Vue, Vue, Vexua, Cheshua. 3-2-3-215, 1486. Here, on La Harland Highway. Ah, the foreign languages, huh?

Do any of you speak a foreign language? language. It's funny. I grew up in Canada, so I've run into this trap a few times. I speak a bit of French. You know, I learned French in high school. And I also speak a bit of German. I spent a little time of my life living in Germany for a while. And in both places, in Quebec and in Germany, and I'm sure it happened when I was in France at one point in time. You know, I pulled out a little bit of the French. You know, my limited vocabulary. You know, I can converse a little bit in German.

You know, I'd go into a restaurant. I could maybe order a meal. I'd be like, yeah, I know, halberts heinchen bita on ketchup. You know, I'd order something. And back then I sound a little more convincing. You know, I think I just ordered a half chicken with no ketchup right there. But, you know, I get to the point where I was pretty convincing, or, you know, I'd go into a restaurant in Quebec.

And I'd be like, you know, where is an an an an an man, mongle, mons le cravettes on the table, the wazos on the feneta. Right? And I think I was just talking about birds on windows and ordering pineapples and stuff. But there were times when I'd actually, you know, get stuff out where I was ordering things, right? So you get that out and you think, great, I faked them out. They think I'm German.

They think I'm French. And they start getting your food or whatever. And then all of a sudden they turn around and they're like, And you're just standing there. you're like, um, I'm like, I want to let you let me with the, to let's share with the, to my potter, le poissants. And you're just like, uh, and then this really happened to me.

I just had to go, you know what? I speak English. They just look at you like, jackass. I'm going to spit in your food. You dumb English idiot. But you got to give me credit. I tried, you know, I didn't need any more, I needed my half chicken or my same.

sandwich. I don't need anything else. I don't need to ask you about the weather. You know, you turn around and talk to me some more. And you use words that I don't know. So why am I the jackass? But you really do, just stand there. You're just so vulnerable in that moment. You just look like a little velvet painting of a cat that's been left out in the rain. And you're waiting at the front door to get back inside and hang on a wall. You just got these little sad eyes and your mouth droops

And you're like I tried my best to talk to you in your own language But the limited vocabulary I have Is all I have And I don't know what you said And I'm just so exposed But are you one of these people That you know

You see these movies or you hear stories about people that are erotically moved by an accent, right? Like, I think there was an old movie called A Fish Called Wanda, and this one guy every time he made love, he had his girlfriend speak Italian, and it just, you know, it might as well have been like a Viagra pill she forced down his throat. You know, somehow this got the guy all fired up.

Are you like that? Does a foreign accent get you excited, sexually aroused even, dare I say? I don't know, man, there's some pretty wild accents out there. I don't know if I could be aroused by, you know, like a Chinese accent. You know, you're in the middle of it. And I was like, You're in the middle of the opposite effect. Right?

You're in the middle of German, you know, lovemaking. Oh, baby, oh. You know, maybe the French. The French has kind of a flow to it, you know, if it was said softly and in the right cadence. Oh, let's see a man with a, oh, chilepe, avalande, and a person with the, oh, my God, Lex, the lot of the bus, whippo, way, p, too, way p, too.

Okay, if there's any guys listening right now And I just aroused you Uh-uh, no I realized halfway through that I was doing a bit of a girly voice And it was kind of soft And if there's any guys right now Listening to this show

And they're even an inkling aroused By what I just did No No, no, no I want you to get an intervention I want you to go get a bar of Irish spring and shove it down your esophagus? Manly, yes, but I like it.

Two. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no. That was just, I was making an example. And I'm not, maybe I'm giving myself too much credit that some of you guys got aroused, but I bet some of you did. With the so on the table, mongle a apple, poohs, poohs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I even got a little. aroused right there wow i gotta you gotta find me a french girl maybe there is something to the whole erotic accent thing i don't know you ponder that ponder that question in english and italian and russian whatever you want and let me know let me know what you think write me harlem williams dot com send me an email and uh i'll read it on the air if you got the balls if you got the balls girls and guys i know the guys got the balls but this is to the girls you got the balls girls that's gross imagine if a girl actually had to grow testicles to have a backbone to be a CEO of a major corporation she actually had to grow a sack of texticles did i just say texticles

yeah i'm texting with my balls great i've got texticles. I cut my thumbs off in a lawn more accident, so I actually had to text 911 with my texticles. Great. Oh, God. All right, let's step away from this topic for a bit and take a listen to this. Hong Kong 2-2-beep-beep. You are on the Harlan Highway, and are you speeding along. You're just motoring along, minding your own business, trucking through the neighborhood in your car, and all of a sudden, the bottom of your car gets ripped out. You feel like he just ran over a cow. There's sparks, and your muffler's laying on the ground, and you're like, what the hell?

And you look, and it's a speed bump. And you're like, holy God, I was only going for. 15 are they not the most annoying things on the planet those speed bumps and they're just getting bigger aren't they you shouldn't go over a speed bump and feel like you just scaled the great wall of china man oh look at him he's going over the speed bomb look at him go oh oh he's right at the top oh he's gonna make oh he go down the other side the speed bump telling you these things are getting huge had to get a with four-wheel drive, I had to get the shocks pumped up just so I could get over the speed bumps in my neighborhood. I mean, my next truck is going to be a monster truck. I'm going to get

the Gravekeeper truck or something like that. You've seen those trucks with the 10-foot wheels and the shock absorbers, the space between the top of the wheel and the body of the truck is about four feet. They're ridiculous, man. The only speed they're creating is me speeding to the repair shop. Houston, we have a problem. Get rid of the speed bumps here on the speed bump free highway. Yeah, I cannot stand the speed bumps, man. The worst ones are the underground ones when you go in an underground garage.

You know, like how fast can you really get going in an underground garage, right? I mean, please There are people speeding around And underground garages And they're just so annoying It's like you hate to see a bump Where there organically shouldn't be a bump You know, nothing is smoother than an underground garage

I mean you could practically ice skate on that concrete It's got such a sheen to it It's so smooth You know how nice it is to drive on a hard surface with no potholes and cracks and sewers and then they purposely put this big hump in there and your whole card jolts up and down and your back end gets bumped and you're, it's almost the equivalent of someone like giving you a wet willy. Like you're just sitting there and enjoying yourself and someone sticks a wet finger and you're like,

and you're like, ah, gah! It's just a brief moment, but it's like such a creepy pain in the ass. right and here's what a lot of drivers don't get okay they see a speed bump and this drives me nuts you get people in front of you right and they come to a speed bump and they slow down to like three miles an hour they're just like it takes them about four and a half minutes to get over the speed bump and what a lot of people don't realize is actually if you're going like a semi fast slow speed like somewhere in between and you hit the speed bump a lot of the time it's a smoother impact if you go over the speed bump with a little speed versus going over

really slow but people don't know that a lot of dip wad drivers just like oh my god i better you know there's snails passing them as they go over the speed bump And here's the creepy part. I figured out what the outdoor speed bumps are. Yeah, you know what speed bumps are? This is what I did. I dug up a speed bump. Because think of it.

There's this hump laying in the middle of the road. And you know what I found? I found, you know, those workers that stand on the side of the road and the orange vests and the yellow hard hat? And they hold the stop sign and they turn it. One side it says stop. The next side it says slow. and these guys stand out there when they're repaving roads in the middle of the summer

and the vapors and the heat and the toxic fumes are all like blasting up into these guys' faces as they stand there and what happens inevitably is they're overcome with nausea and chemical fumes and heat and they basically just pass out onto the road they just fall over flat And these big giant asphalt machines, these tarring machines, they don't have time to break their schedule. I mean, these sign holders are getting paid minimum wage.

They just pave right over them. That's your speed bump. It's pretty much a grave you're driving over. But some genius is like, look, we don't want to pay for a funeral. We don't want to deal with the paperwork. You know, this kid's like, no one really knows who he is. He's traveling. Let's just pave rate over them.

You know, we slow down traffic in the neighborhoods and we get rid of the kid. Right? So there's your speed bumps. They're speed esophaguses, is what I'm going to call them. The speed bump of Tootun Common. The curse of speed bump number 12. You drive over it and it's got a mummy's curse.

And speaking of the guys standing on the side of the road, okay, holding those signs, what is with the hard hat? Guys, girls, do you need the hard hat? You're standing there as they lay down fresh asphalt with the consistency of porridge. It's almost a liquid. I mean, is a chunk of the road going to jump up and conch you in the head? you couldn't be in a more open spot out in the middle of a road

okay lucky you wore the safety gear on your head there fella huh ever know on that road's gonna jump up and attack to the top of your head not like it's gonna have trouble finding you with that neon orange vest on what the hell's that all about what are you some kind of crossing guard suddenly is that what these

these guys holding these signs they're in training. This is just a career climb. They start with the repaving of roads, hoping one day, you know, with experience, turning a sign. One day there'll be a crossing guard at Mellonville High School. I don't know. Oh, well, we all got to do something, right? And right now we are all doing it together.

We're right here with me, Harlem Williams. And we're listening to the Harland Highway. Beautiful. It's Friday. You're on the Harland Highway, and I love Friday except for this moment and time where I have to do my on-air therapy as a job requirement with Dr. Ascot.

If I don't do it, they're going to kick my butt out the door because someone upstairs thinks I have a nut loose. oh this is i just hate this here we go hello doctor hello arland what are we talking about today arland today i want to talk about your depression my depression that's what i said arland well i'm not depressed i'm sorry to tell you arland i'm not depressed I am not depressed, Dr. Ascot Arland Okay, now you're depressing me when you keep saying my name like that

Ohland Stop it Arlen told me why you're depressed I'm not depressed I'm a happy go lucky guy I don't get depressed Have you ever lost a girlfriend, Holland Well yeah everybody's lost a girlfriend Who was she?

I don't know Mary Ellen she was like the love of my life she was the girl i wanted to marry and she ran off with with another guy all that sounds sad well yeah it was sad but i'm over it i mean holland is she with the other guy now yes unfortunately i heard through the grapevine that she was very happy and had kids yes holland and she looks amazing still she in fact she looks better than Ohland, it looks like you let a good one get away, Holland. Well, thanks for rubbing it in, Doc. You sound depressed about it.

Well, you know what? Maybe... Did you have to bring it all up? Holland, I'm just trying to deal with your depression. Well, I wasn't really depressed until... Arland, have you ever lost a family member? Well, yeah. Tell me what happened, Holland. Well, you know, my parents are gone, my grandparents are gone, they got old, and...

Ohland, are you sad about it? No, I mean, they're off to a better place. Do you miss them, Arland? Yeah, I missed them. So you've got a beautiful girlfriend that you let get away, and both your parents are dead. Yes, yes, they are. And your grandparents are dead. Yes, that's what I said.

Have you ever had a pet, Arland? Yes, I used to have a golden retriever. Is it dead, Arlen? Yeah, I was hit by a car. Arlen, that's a lot of death. You must be very depressed. Yeah, you know what? Ascot, I think I am really depressed right now. Uh-huh, I told you, Arland.

No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You did this to me. me all and you're depressed i'm no i'm not letting you turn this around on me ascot alland lay down you're very depressed you feel suicidal no i you're the one i was fine i'm a how you brought up all this bad stuff allan put down the razor blade it's not a one razor blade this is my pen allan get that razor blade away from your wrists what are you talking it's a pen it's in my pocket alland okay out Get out. Holland, I'm just trying to help.

No, you're depressing me. Get out. Goodbye. Unbelievable. That was the very worst. Holland, did you get picked on as a kid? Get out of here! Good Lord, is that guy annoying.

God, Dr. Ascot. What a pain in the ascot that guy is. Holland, I heard that. Get out of here. Unreal, man. I don't know, depression. I guess it hits everybody. Isn't that the reason why I do this show, huh?

Are any of you right now listening a little bit depressed about something? God, I hope my show has helped lift you out of it. Maybe put a smile on your face. You know, that's what I try to offer here. Yeah, you know, we all go through life and, Hopefully we offer up something. I hope I just am able to make you folks laugh a little, giggle a little, forget about the pain and the suffering

and all the horror you've been through and all the hatred. Wait a minute, what am I doing? I hope I just make you laugh. But people, humans get, you know, strange disorders, psychological disorders, depression being one of them. There's a show on, I think it's A&E called Obsessed. and it's it's about people that have obsessive compulsive disorder and they they get into these rituals and these habits and these weird little mindsets where they collect things or they have to walk six steps backwards and then turn around and then put a finger on their nose and it's just ruining their lives these people get obsessed with things and this this is a true story I was watching one of the episodes of obsessed I was on the road somewhere at a host hotel, and I only caught about the first three quarters of the show.

But this handsome guy, this intelligent family man with a kid and a wife and a home, and he was some kind of writer, and I guess he had this obsessive-compulsive disorder where he had to, like, turn around a few times before he could sit down, and then the chair had to be facing a certain way, and then he was obsessed with death. He kept thinking that he was going to die. So to counterattack this, he would go to the gym. But not just one gym. He would go to like 8, 9, 10, 15 gyms in a day all throughout his community.

Right? And the guy would walk in. They showed him running in and he'd be in his street clothes. He wouldn't even have like sweats on or anything. And he just sit down and do like one or two machines and then drive. arrived to the next gym. And he'd write a little journal, and he'd write down what he did, and he'd stay out until two in the morning, every night.

Just going to these gyms. Obsessed. This thing was eating away at his family life, his children, his wife was crying. And this poor guy thought that the more he worked out, the longer he was going to cheat death. Okay, now here's where it gets weird. Okay, I go to a gym. I'm at the gym a couple of weeks ago, right? I'm just about finished my workout, and who do I see? It's this guy, man.

He's in his street clothes. He's sitting on a machine. He's got kind of this wild look in his eyes. He's looking all around, right? And I'm thinking, oh, God, I watched the show, and clearly the guy's not cured. Because I saw the show, you know, a while back, and here he is.

He's still at it. It's nighttime. He's not at home with his family. He's here trying to cheat death. And I thought traditional therapy didn't work. You know, intense therapy didn't work. Counseling didn't work. Behavioral change didn't work.

And I thought, what might work for this guy? If I'm a psychologist, how do I go outside of the box and cure this guy of thinking that death is chasing him? And I swear to God, I almost did this. I just about walked over to him. And did you ever see that movie Meet Joe Black where Brad Pitt plays death? He's like this handsome guy and he comes to the rich guy's house.

And, you know, he makes a deal with him about dying. So I went into that mind frame, right? And I thought, I'm just going to walk over to this guy and put my hand out, extend my hand for a handshake, and say, hey, how's it going? and the guy would look at me like confused and I'd go don't you want to shake my hand I'm death and the guy would just be like what the hell

and I go you know what I'm death and one of these days I am going to shake your hand but right now the only death that's occurring is you're killing your family and you're killing your friends and you're killing your children by not being at home that's the only death

but now I know that you go to all these gyms. I know that you go to 15 gyms a night. I know where I can find you and I'm going to come and shake your hand one of these days and I'm going to take you. Or I can let you live a little longer and you promise me you'll start getting back to making things right with your family.

Now, you know this guy was so obsessive, compulsed that he would have flipped. You know, that would have cured him right there. I'm positive. I have no doubt that some random guy, and, you know, I can act. I'm an actor. I could have put some conviction behind it. A lot of acting is with the eyes. It all would have been in my eyes. I would have convinced this guy staring right in his eyes that I was death. And I was coming to get him.

I think it would have been fun to see if I did that. And not from a mean point of view, but just I'm convinced in my little head that I would have cured this guy because nothing else seems to be working. So don't be obsessed, people, unless you're obsessed about the Harland Highway, because I know I'm obsessed with bringing you the Harland Highway.

Keep on laughing. And we're going to catch you next time here on the H.H. Until then, chicken chow main baby now if you're in a receptive state i'll recapitulate Thank you.