The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK 39 - Harland is on summer vacation again

Episode Date: August 27, 2015

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All aboard! You just made a wrong turn. Heavens to Murgatroy, even! On to the Harland Highway. You've got... Cancers at the anus? My George, I think he's got it. Stop it! Stop it!

You're busting my heart! It's Harlan Williams. Ah! Ah, yes, the god-loving, God-fearing, God-fearing, God-lips mack and good, Harland Highway. Hello, it's me, Harland. Harland Williams here with you. Once again, coughing up a lung. Don't know why. I think I just swallowed a snail. Are you internet savvy? I'm sure you are. I mean, you're listening to the podcast so you probably found it on the internet somewhere right and one of the old

standbys the old pioneers of the internet dating back to the very kind of beginning days of commercial internet which was i guess back in the uh the mid 90s early 90s maybe see if you remember this old gem from the uh kind of the beginning of uh public internet internet time. You've got mail. Remember that one? The You've Got Mail guy from AOL.com. Didn't we all start off with AOL.com? Look how far we've come, Google. Well, I guess it's not that far. AOL do a thing called Google.

Hello. I guess my point is that, you know, that AOL, you've got mail guy voice, has been around since the beginning. And if you go on AOL now, he's still there. He's still doing the same thing, telling you you got mail in the same voice, same cadence. Nothing's changed. He hasn't gone through puberty. His voice isn't cracking. He's not like, you've got mail. And so I thought, man, too much of the world has gone by.

Too much technology has gone by. Too many things have happened in the world. for him to still be saying the same thing. And I thought, what if this guy upgraded? What if he became more part of our regular life? What if he told us about a lot of things we had? Like, let's say, you know, if he got sick, you know, he was the guy that delivered the bad news, right?

Kind of like this. You've got severe health problems. You've got a lingering infection. Right? That was the guy that told him. you had something, and then it just got worse and worse, you know, like this. You've got genital herpes. You've got AIDS.

You've got precancerous lesions. Yeah, AOL would be a lot more famous, a lot bigger if they just lended that guy, rented that guy out to be the bearer of other things. The guy who lets you know you've got something outside of male. Yeah. You've got multiple strains of genital warts. You've got pink or flesh-colored bumps. But then what if this guy's voice, like, was the confirmation for other things, okay?

Not just bad things, but good things, like for all you guys out there and girls out there who go out and crawl the nightclubs, looking for a one-night stand, right? And you're always never sure what you're going to get, you know? Are you going to get to first base, second base, third base? Maybe this guy's voice pops up and let you know what you're going to get. gonna get when you approach a man or a woman and then also maybe the voice pops up when you're in the throes of passion and you're both going at it in the bedroom might sound something like this oh oh oh yeah oh yeah right there baby right there baby oh oh oh oh you've got penis and scrotum

oh yeah honey oh yeah that's it that's it oh my god oh my god oh baby oh my god you've got inside the vagina and cervix oh my god yes yes it feels so good oh oh my god what are you doing where are you putting it oh my god wait stop what are you doing oh oh you've got anus and groin area oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god you've got anal and oral sex okay okay enough enough you've got the pitcher okay okay okay you've got the pitcher okay you've heard enough this went too far this is to try to keep this a clean family friendly show but then again kids are having sex at the age of eight these days seems

remember the taboo used to be when we were kids they were what they had sex they're only 17 now it's like down to like three I think kids are doing it at three hey man how's that daycare center going to oh i love it man i got laid 17 times already this year oh that's awesome man i don't know so anyways there's the the you've got mail guy moving them into the 21st century maybe next time you're making love or having a one-night stand you'll hear his voice ringing in the back of your ear

and when you start laughing while you're doing it with your partner you can tell them why because you were daydreaming of the Harlan Highway. You've got... A unique cauliflower-like shape that is raised and bumpy. Hello? Hello?

Hey, Harlan, it's your BFF. Oh, yeah. Aren't you institutionalized or something, dude? Since we've last spoke, I really made a lot of progress and I'm actually allowed to go out for a couple hours on Friday night. Yeah, Friday night now.

Oh, that's great. Good for you, dude. I'm really happy for you. If you want, maybe we can hang out for a little bit. Oh, man, you know what? Look at this. I'm looking at my schedule here, and oh, look at that. I'm busy. Look at this for the rest of my life and for my afterlife. Sorry, dude. Maybe you'd like to hang out, like, library or church or something. Yeah, that sounds fun, or maybe we could, you know, hang out at a, at a, mental hospital and i could kind of leave you there type of thing are you like sitting in a corner rocking back and forth stabbing a knife into the ground like glen close and uh fatal attraction

laugh once for no twice for yes okay that's it i got to go buddy bye give me a call we'll talk to you soon buddy oh my god i'm so scared if you can't find my body look for me in the uh the uh library or church call the police here on the harland highway how many of you have a psycho that you know huh someone in your life or someone in your neighborhood someone that's uh you know you're you're a little bit uncomfortable around right like you get it that people have issues and people have problems and you know you can deal you know you there's guy over here a girl over there but is there anyone that's just a little notch above wacky where you kind of in the back of your head go you know that one there i'm not sure i'm not 100% sure about that one okay the other nuts are nutty but

That guy, I don't know. He's a little bit too much. Like he could really snap. And aren't we living in a world where that stuff happens, man? It's kind of scary. There was a shooting a few weeks ago, a little while back in Pittsburgh. Some guy walks into a health club, an L.A. fitness, and opens fire in a yoga class. Well, people are in their most a meditative state of mind.

And this guy had been planning it, and he'd actually gone on him once before and chickened out, and somehow he singled out a fitness center, a gym. It just went nuts. It's kind of scary. I was driving around today, okay? I saw a billboard, a giant billboard in the middle of the city in L.A. and it was a picture of a beautiful, like, 12-year-old girl. And the billboard read,

do you know who murdered this girl? Help us find the murderer of this girl. I mean, what kind of statement is that about a city? You know, I'm used to seeing billboards for Baskin-Robbins and maybe, you know, a bad Adam Sandler movie. Maybe Target's got a... sale on towels, right? And then right there on the next billboard is a dead girl.

And they're asking for help to find her murderers. Which, by the way, there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, God, nothing would make me happier than to see these ass murderers caught. But what an interesting kind of statement on our society when we're starting to put a billboard. for murderers. But then again, wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on, Harlan. What do you mean?

Just hold on. Okay. Remember back in the cowboy days, right? They'd put wanted dead or alive posters all over the place. So is it that different? Maybe we're just kind of regressing back to the Wild West where people aren't waiting for the law to get things done anymore. Now it's like people are putting it into their...

own hands. It's like, screw the cops. You know, they got 90 other million cases to solve and they don't have the manpower or the money. This case is getting cold, man. They said they're going to get back to us in a month. Sorry, that was my daughter that got gun down. I want some action now. I'm putting up a billboard. I guess you can't blame people, but it is strange. It's just weird that when you go out You have to kind of look for an exit route You got to have an escape plan or a strategy You go out to a movie or a restaurant

And it's like you got to kind of look around And see if there's anyone looking a little nutty Or you got to take a little gander around the establishment For the green or the red exit signs You got to look where the bar is or, you know, you've got to look for the place where you're going to fly over a table and roll behind it or dive behind the bar

or smash through a window. You've got to figure out how many floors you're up for when the psycho opens fire. You go, okay, that's my window. I just dive into it, smash through the glass, go into a roll, get out on the sidewalk, and I'm out of here. I don't know.

What would you do if somebody with, whipped out a gun and opened fire. Because in so many cases, you know, innocent people are mowed down. There's a high probability that you'll be mowed down. And I'm sure it's easy for you as a human being to well up with fear and terror and shock and be paralyzed. But what if we all just kind of rewired our thinking process, right? What if we all sat down and formulated a plan? and it was part of our general public psychology.

Instead of just going out now, meeting some friends and thinking about what you're going to wear and what you're going to look like and what you're going to drink and eat, you also have it in your head about what you're going to do if a nut job pulls out a gun. Because chances are you might get mowed down anyhow. Other people are going to die.

And it's because they catch us off guard that everyone just screams and runs. But what if we kind of have it pre-programmed in our head? Gun comes out, run and dive at the loser. You know, if everybody just kind of took an aggressive approach and they were prepared for these type of situations and you might get shot, you might get injured, but chances are if you're running at a guy

or you're diving at a guy, he's not going to have the time to turn and aim and focus, he's just going to blast one into the wall. And if everyone's focusing their energy at this wing nut, you can take them down. So I don't know if it's legal for me to say this. I don't know if it's right for me to say this, but I'm going to say it as bad as it sounds,

as bad as it's a reflection on the world we live in today, I'm going to ask you people to have a plan of a attack, have a counter defense, have an exit strategy, and the odds of anything like this ever happening to you are probably one in a billion. But in that moment, I want you to pre-program your brain. So when that guy whips the rifle out of the bag, you're not just standing there like a stop sign waiting for him to line one up between your eyes. Get it in your head that it's an automatic response that the minute that guy pulls, you are turning and running at him and diving and dodging and weaving.

And hopefully everyone else in the establishment in his too. And maybe just maybe we get the bad guy before he gets us. Maybe just maybe we save some lives. maybe just maybe we lessen the body count and I know this sounds all good and fine in theory but you know what I've thought about it I've got nothing to lose I think I'd rather die flying through the air trying to be a hero

or at least trying to save other people's lives than to let some jackass who's pissed off at the world just open fire and start mowing innocent people down one by one. I'd rather die halfway through the air with a 12 foot leap with all my adrenaline

like a tiger diving on top of a wild mountain goat. And if that sucker blows me out of the air halfway to him, so be it. But if he misses me or he doesn't see me coming and I land on him, look out, man.

It's going to be like dropping a pumpkin off a skyscr- I'm going to, oh, I'm going to just pop that guy's head open. I'll tell you. I'd rather see you people die like heroes than just be victims. I know, this is kind of a radical way of thinking. This is violent and it's proactive and it's aggressive. And the cops who are listening to this show.

No, don't do that. The course of action is to stay calm and conservative and try and subdue the assailant and keep him calm and keep his wits about him? No. None of us are Dr. Phil's, okay? None of us are psychologists. So we might as well be action heroes

in those final moments of life than armchair psychologists. And really, I understand the police approach to being calm and submissive, but really, has that really panned out for anybody? Did that really go down well at Columbine and at the post office and at the mall and the school and the library and, you know, do you really calm down a guy who's hell bent on pumping people full of lead? I don't think so, man. Like I said, I'd rather go down trying.

So maybe we got to rewire, reprogram. and kick a little hairy ass here on the Harland Highway. Well, here's something alarming. The military is training dolphins and seals to help fight the war. There's only one problem. I believe the war is being fought in a desert inland on the sands. what are you just throw in the dolphin plump

just flaps on the sand for about 10 minutes and dies and I think you're going to see a seal coming I mean should be training gophers or something man mowls hedgehogs ant eaters art bark something we're out in the middle of the desert man get that gopher from caddy shepherds

in there man that guy was crafty yeah the military should be working with that guy but do do do do do I'm all right nobody worry about insurgents gone I'm working so hot wait a minute that was from footloose what what the hell you know what blow up Kenny Loggins blow Kevin Bacon while you're blowing up the insurgents. Why not? Don't need any more visions of that guy dancing in a barn in my head. God! Anyways, listen, you want to use animals. Use the right geographical animals. You ain't going to win the war with a polar bear in the middle of the desert. Get your species right and win the war.

I said, shut up. Boom! There. That shut you out. You're riding home with Harlan Williams. Now, speaking of dolphin, does anybody have been watching this reality series on, I don't know if it's Animal Planet or one of the nature cable shows? There's some show called Whale Wars, okay? And the concept of the show of this show is that there's a bunch of Japanese harpoon boats

and a factory ship floating out there in the middle of the Arctic. And these guys are still killing, harpooning, processing whales. I guess there's some loophole in the international fishing agreements. agreement that gives countries the right to harvest whales for scientific reasons. Scientific purposes, research, if you will, sir. Yeah. So these guys are taken in like three, four hundred whales a season. That's a hell of a lot of research, isn't it?

I mean, when you were going to school in the science lab, Didn't you have like one rattlesnake in a pickle jar? And maybe one piglet floating in formaldehyde. And it was there from grade three all the way up to grade 12. Yeah, I don't think anybody needs 500 whales a season. And what's ridiculous is they follow these whales, and they're just getting processed and sold in the marketplace. They're being sold as a delicacy, and the whole research thing is just a big lie.

It's a big cover. It's an ugly blatant cover. It's just so right on the side of the Japanese processing ship, you know, the mother's ship where they pull up the dead whales and all the guys stand around like vultures and skin them and stab them and poke them. and strip them, right on the side of the boat and giant English letters. Not even Japanese letters, English letters, research. Yeah, that's what it says, research.

They should just scrape that off and just put lying murderers. I mean, are we at the point where we still eat whale meat? Does anyone here listening have a craving for whale right now? Anybody here want to get their blubber on. God, I could go for a good blowhole sandwich. I'll tell you that right now. God.

It's a nice blowhole and some coleslaw. Oh, delicious. Can't wait to get home from a hard day's work and have some wok-fried beluga. Come on, people. And if the Japanese are listening to this, which I highly doubt, Stop eating whales, you dumbasses. I mean, we already know they're an endangered species, right? So why push it? There's so many other things. We have fish farms now.

You can raise fish, salmon and tuna and catfish. You want fish? Eat fish. Get fish from the fish farm. Oh, wait a minute. Whales aren't fish. They're mammals. Okay, we'll go have some cow, okay?

A cow's a mammal. And there's millions of them. We raise them. We got them in barns. Wales, there's a limited edition, okay? It's like the limited edition, Lady Diana, commemorative plate. They only made a few. And if you break one, it ain't going to look pretty glued together.

Because remember, she was in a car crash? Actually, it might look more realistic, but come on. We're running out of whales. Do you dorks really need to eat a whale? Okay, but that's not the main issue here. Where my frustration really lies is he got this big American boat called the Steve Irwin, named after, you know, crookies. Look at the size of that crook.

You know, that naturalist guy who got killed by nature. Hello. But anyways, so these guys, this guy that used to be a radical for Greenpeace, is the captain of the Steve Irwin, and he's got a crew full of volunteers that, you know, a lot of them have never even been out on a boat before, and a lot of them just kind of seem like hippies, and, you know, they're looking for a place to just kind of hang out and be cool, and some of them seem really passionate about the whales, and some of them just look like they want to go on a little adventure and cause trouble. I can't really get my head around who these people are, but the tragedy of this thing is that these guys go all the way out there, the middle of the deadly frozen ocean, and they chase the whale boats around, and they harass them, and they throw stink bombs.

That's their big weapon of choice. They throw stink bombs onto the boats, the Japanese boats, and they buzz around them in their little room, rubber dinghies and they try to drop ropes into their propellers but the sad thing is they have such a small arsenal of

weaponry and they have so limited resources at their disposal and to stop these whaling ships and they also you know they are bound by the parameters of the law of

nautical laws of the sea They can only do so much. And it's kind of sad to see them go all the way out there, chase, you know, these guys. And the Japanese kind of, you know, they've put up a line of defense, they put netting around their boats, and they've got water cannons.

It's kind of sad seeing these granola-eaten whale savers kind of go all the way out there and not really accomplish all that much. And believe me, I applaud the effort. Anything's better than nothing. And I'm happy they're doing it, and I wish more people would do it. But where my frustration lies is I wish they had better strategy. I wish they were better equipped.

I wish they had more planning. I wish they had more weaponry. I wish they had more means to do things. Every time they get out on the sea and challenge these Japanese boats, they seem to fail miserably. And at least the way the reality show portrays them is they're just a bunch of fumbling, you know kind of hippies that don't really have their act together and I want to see them have their act together

because I think it's important work saving whales you know so I don't know you watch the show you tell me what you think whale wars it's called and at the end of the day the real tragedy is these beautiful mammals these whales just getting killed for greedy selfish purposes. Not porpoises, purposes.

Don't mix the two up. One's a word from the English language, and the other is a smaller version of a whale. A porpoise. Why did I just do that? I did no relevance at all.

But anyways, neither does my whole show. Wait a minute. That's not true. Let's review. I kind of helped you figure out an exit strategy to stay alive if a shootout begins at your favorite restaurant I kind of tuned

you into an environmental issue right about the harvesting of whales the illegal murdering and butchery of whales that's a good thing I talk to you about the you've got male guy

right and how he could update his whole thing for the 21st century. So all in all, a lot of good, helpful things here today. So there you go. Don't give me any grief. I think you've plused yourself, for sure,

listening to the Harlan Highway today. Listen to me. Oh, God. How obnoxious. Well, anyways, folks, it's all I got time for today. I hope you had a great time on the show. Love having you here.

friends. You know, send the link around, get people interested. I'm just here to kind of make you laugh, make you think, take your mind off of stuff, have fun. And you're always welcome to call me 323-215-1486. Leave me a message. If I like it, I'll put it on the air. You know how I love to play my voicemails. Be creative, be funny, be sexy, be angry, be silly, whatever. Or you can always write me a letter at harlornwilliams.com, and I can always read it on the air if you want. So until next time, my fine friends, this is Harlan Williams, signing off the Harland Highway for today.

And we'll catch you next time. Chicken chow main, baby. You've got 50 million cases of genital herpes. Thank you.