The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK - 41

Episode Date: September 3, 2015

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All aboard! You just made a wrong turn. Heavens to Murgatroy, even. On to the Harland Highway. You've got cancers of the anus? My George, I think he's got it. Stop it. Stop it! You're busting my heart.

It's Harlan Williams. This is Eddie. Eddie, he wants to party, but they just hang up. And Eden and Romero. Hey, man, it's Eddie. Who? It's Eddie. Eddie.

Eddie. You want to go grab a beer or something, or what? Eddie who? Eddie from the hardware store. Grab a beer, maybe throw on the barbecue. have some ribs, you know? Just chill. Who are you trying to reach, sir? I'm just looking for anyone that will have a beer with me.

I'm kind of lonely. Well, this is not the lonely hotline. I'm sorry. Well, how about you? You feel like grabbing a beer? Maybe throw on the barbecue or what? I think I'll have to pass, but thank you for calling. What the hell?

I just want to have a frosty. Maybe a Budweiser? What the hell? That was Eddie, he wants to party, but they just hang up. Well, well, well, well, hello, hello, hello. Hello, citizens of planet Earth. Look at me pretending I'm a god or an alien leader. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

I am Harland Williams. Middle initial R. I'm not going to tell you what. my middle name is so screw you it's r i should i should do that like michael j fox harland r williams hey man i'm samuel l jackson yeah well i'm harland r williams hi i'm william h macy yeah harland r williams bosh wow harland r williams is getting angry over here. What the hell's Harland R. Williams' problem? I don't know. And why is he talking to himself? Welcome to the show. I want to talk to you about coining a phrase. Can any of you

take credit for coining a phrase? I don't know. I don't think so. Maybe. Maybe some of you have coined a phrase. You know, like the Fonz had sit on it and, you know, you know, You know what I mean. People make up phrases and they stick. They stick in the vernacular. Right? So I got to give credit to my cousin, my cousin Chris. Okay, let me tell you the story how he created a new phrase,

a new terminology that I was inadvertently the victim of or the, I was the origin of this phrase. that he coined and it's I'm not even proud to tell you this story but I'm going to tell you okay so I invite my cousin Chris who's my age a year younger to go on a fishing trip okay speaking of the Fonz it was a fishing trip up into northern British Columbia and Canada just south of the Alaskan wilderness we could actually see Alaska from our boat as we fished in Canadian waters. A buddy of mine does a fishing show up there,

so he invited me up, and he invited also Henry Winkler, the Fonz, Arthur Fonzorelli, to fish, okay? So on the way to the fishing ground, we had to do a little bit of a road trip. So that involved me and my cousin Chris and the fishing guide and his wife driving along in a white pickup truck,

and we had to stop overnight at kind of a dumpy hotel in the middle of a small logging community or something in British Columbia. So this guy's been fishing this region for years. He does this British Columbia fishing show, so he knows a lot of people in these little towns because he drives through them a lot, blah, blah, blah.

Long story short, we wake up in the morning from the dumpy little hotel we all pile in the truck and before we leave the parking lot my guy who does the fishing show Mark goes oh look there's my buddy Al's truck

right he recognizes his buddy's truck he goes we got to call him up and we got to we got to say good morning and say hello to him I go wait a minute Mark no it's 730 in the morning okay nobody wants to get woken up

in their hotel room from a sleep to do a meet and greet in a cold Canadian parking lot at a dumpy hotel behind a Denny's. I'm telling you, don't call the guy, right? So it's like, yeah, you're right, okay. So we take off in the pickup truck, and across the street is a donut shop. We do the drive-thru, and there's the highway. Well, instead of going out onto the highway, my buddy Mark's like, no, I got to say hi to my buddy. He'll be pissed if I don't say hi to him.

And I'm like, Mark, he doesn't even know you're here. This is not a good idea, buddy. Because I know, but I got to do it. So Mark's the nicest guy in the world. He has all the right intentions, huge heart. We go back over. He sends his wife in the lobby, okay? Me and my cousin of Mark standing in the parking lot.

He sends his wife into the lobby to call up to his room. She comes dancing back. all cheery. He's going to be down in three minutes. I'm like, oh, God, this is not going to be pretty. So we're standing in the cold parking lot. Sure enough, about three minutes later, this big, stocky short guy, not a midget, but, you know, a stocky wide guy. Looks like he's a Quebec log roller or something.

Hairy chest. He's wearing shorts. He's got these tree trunk legs. His hair is tossed around like a tossed salad, you know. His eyes are all heavy and swollen. He's got chicken McNuggets in the sockets of his eyes. Right? Looks real happy to be alive.

And here he comes over to the parking lot and Mark's all excited. And he's like, hey, say hello to my friend Harland. And, you know, the guy puts out his hand and shakes the hand. got this really strong handshake, and I'm shaking his hand, and Mark chimes in, or his wife chimes in, and goes, gee, I'm sorry if we woke you up. And he goes, oh, no, man, I was already up. And, you know, I made a joke. I was like, oh, what were you doing, watching a movie or something? And he goes, no, man, I was sitting on the throne. Like, excuse me? Yeah, I was sitting on the throne.

thrown when you called. And then I look down to the end of my arm and my hand is still gripping his hand the same hand that probably

was just wedged up his butt crack about three and a half minutes ago wiping this big fat meat hook of a log roller's hand is squeeze of my hand. Couldn't be happier.

He doesn't want to let go. And I know this is the hand. He just wiped his big, hairy, French-Canadian ass with. Okay? So here's me just grinning and bearing it. Finally, we shoot the breeze. The guy goes back up to his room. And Marco, see, that wasn't so bad.

And I go, yeah, not so bad, except for the fact that I just had to shake his hand when he just freshly came off the crapper and just finished wiping his arse. And my cousin Chris, who's one of the funniest guys I know in my life, he says, yeah, you just got yourself a dump shake. Right, so that's the phrase. My cousin Chris comes up with,

the great phrase. It's called the dumpshake. When you shake hands with someone just after they've been in the can, sitting on the toilet, and you shake their hand. According to my cousin Christopher, that is officially called the dumpshake. I was the first one to get one, according to that term. I wasn't happy. Needless to say, we laughed for the next three days. about the dumpshake.

So there it is. If you ever hear the term dumpshake, think of me, shaking the hand of a big fat French-Canadian lumberjack in the parking lot of a cold Northern British Columbia parking lot in the shadow of a Denny's, and my cousin Chris saying, happy dumpshake. Wow, I am so very proud.

You are rolling down the Harland Highway here with Harland Williams. And we have a wonderful guest for you here today in studio, world famous chef, TV personality, corpse. She's with us again for some more recipe ideas. Back from the grave, please welcome Julia Childs. Julia, oh, it's just wonderful to be here. Out in the sunshine, I almost forgot what it looked like. I could just stare into it for hours. The only reason I can do that is because I'm dead.

It doesn't affect my eyesight. Well, what did you bring for us today? What kind of treat? Well, this one's a meat treat. I like the way that rhymes. Meat treat. Um, this is one you can prepare on your barbecue or on your grill. It's a meat treat.

A meat treat. I like that, Julia. Yeah, say it again. Meat treat. Meat treat. Say it one more time. Meat treat. Meat treat. Meat treat. Meat. Okay, Julie, settle down. Meat treat. Meat treat. Meat, meat treat. Julia, focus, please. Meat treat. Julia. Meat treat. I want a meat treat. Julia. Sorry. I get excited. You, that's the thing. Pull me up out of it. the graveyard and I get carried away.

Anyways, this is a wonderful, wonderful recipe. Now, how would we prepare it for those of us that don't know how to cook or what we're doing in the kitchen? Well, first of all, you go to a reputable butcher. You don't want a butcher with rancid meat, kind of like what I'm made of at the moment, but get some nice fresh meat at your butcher. What you want, first of all, is some nice cow tongue, is what you want. nice big, juicy cow tongue.

Ooh, cow tongue, that's kind of exotic. And then you want some bacon, some wonderful bacon. Okay, cow tongue, bacon. And lastly, you want a nice flank steak. The portion of the cow, kind of like the rear end. Yes, the flank. And what you do is you grew it up on the barbecue, and it's delicious. And what's the name of this ditch?

You got the cow tongue, the bacon, the flank steak. It's a very special recipe. Cow tongue, bacon, and flank steak. I call it, lick my greasy ass. Um, the tongue, the bacon, the flank steak. Yes, you've got the tongue for the lick, the bacon for the greasy, and the... This is the flag steak.

Lick my greasy. Raby case, lick my rotten. Wow, okay, Julia, I guess you gotta get back to the graveyard. Thanks for dropping by here on the Harland Highway. Julia Childs, everybody. Thank you very much. Meat treat, meat treat. Thank you, Julia. Okay, how many of you fly?

I know I've probably asked this question before, but how many of you fly? And I don't know if you've noticed. I usually like to sit as close to the front of the plane as I can. I don't know if you can see it from the seat you've been in or where you're positioned. But if you're up close enough, like in the first like 10, 15 rows, you can probably see this. And it kind of cracks me up. The airlines do this now since 9-11.

whenever the pilot or the co-pilot or anyone in the cockpit has to come out and use the facility, the bathroom, I don't know if you've caught this, but what happens is the stewardess or the flight attendant, as they are called. What they do is now they kind of stand in the alleyway, just at the like right past the, the first seat of first class.

They stand there with their arms crossed and they put on their, I'm going to kick your ass face. Right? So you're not allowed up past the seats in the bathroom area when there is part of the flight crew, you know, dropping off the children, so to speak, right? And sometimes they'll pull the cart across in front.

They'll pull one of the carts with all the food in it and the drinks. And it's hilarious, man, because you'll see these women, these old women, like, you know, they're probably like in their 50s or 60s, you know. And they stand there and they take this pose and put their game face on as if they're like linebackers for the Green Bay Packers. You know, they put on this intimidating scowl, their eyebrows, are all furrowed like they're challenging you. I dare you to come past this first seat.

Oh, nobody's going to mess with my captain while he takes a tinkle. I dare you to walk past here while my captain pinches a loaf over my dead flight attendant wrinkled ass cheeks. Right, or sometimes you got you know the flamboyant flight attendant guy

and I don't mean to be stereotypical but let's face it a large portion of the male flight attendant guys are a little bit effeminate you know nothing wrong with it but it's just I fly a lot

I'm not speaking out of school when I say it a large percentage of male flight attendants are a little flighty I'm not saying they're gay I'm not saying they're straight. I'm just saying I've noticed some of them have effeminate qualities, tendencies.

And it's kind of weird when they go, may I bring you another orange juice, Mr. Williams, or some freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, or perhaps some almonds or some nuts? They go from that to standing in front of the cockpit door or the first-class toilet with their arms crossed looking like Paul Bunyan.

You just try and get to my pilot. You just try. You just try to get into my cockpit. Let me say it again. Cockpit. I'm sorry. It just ain't working, man. I know you've been trained to try and look tough.

When you like to have been in those classes, man, at American Airlines or Delta Airlines or Aer Lingus or Lufthansa? Okay, what you do now is you stand here, pilot go tinkle, and you look mad, you look like you're going to tear down to, you're going to step it up, player, right? I don't know, they should just hire

like an ex-football player or a Marine. or Grizzly Adams or somebody, put someone there that looks like if some crap went down, they could actually deal with it. These flight attendants kind of have the cowardly lion syndrome. Like they posture real nice. They look like they're all full of vim and vinegar. But you know the second some guy goes, I've got a box cut out.

They'd be like, they'd run right to the bathroom with the pot. pilot and lock the door and sit on his lap and who knows what would happen. But anyways, just an observation, folks. Just an observation. It's funny watching people that aren't tough act tough, right? Oh, oh well, it's not tough right now, is it, being here on the Harland Highway? I hope this isn't tough.

I hope you're having a good time. I enjoy having you here. Don't forget to call me. Leave me a message if you want. 323-215-14-86. And who knows, I might even just put it on the air here at the Harlan Highway. Hey, this is Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway. I was just laying in a field the other day looking at the carlund highway.

clouds go by you ever do that you just need to take a break i'm laying there trying to clear my mind stop thinking about the fast-paced world we live in and all of a sudden a jet crosses the sky and leaves his big white vapor trail and then another one crosses by and it leaves a vapor trail and then another one and another one and another one and another one and another one and before i know it man My beautiful clear blue sky looks like a tic-tac-toe board. There's so many lines across my sky. It looks like a charbroiled burger patty. Zink, zinc, zinc to line after line after line after line.

Oh, what can we look at nowadays? We're not interrupted by the madness. By the rat race. That's it. that's what i'll do i'll go to the pet shop i'll buy a rat and a wheel and just watch it run that'll calm me down what better way to forget about the rat race than to watch a rat race here on the harlan highway okay so obviously i'm talking about airplanes we have a bit of an airplane theme going tonight But why don't I switch gears a little, but yet keep it the same, and talk about class?

And when I say class, I don't mean your high school. I don't mean your high school, child. I don't mean your high school. I mean class as in classification of people, of human beings, of sex, of society. you know, you don't really hear about it much anymore. It's not like the old days where we have the upper class and we have the lower class, and we have the peasants, for God's sakes. You know, they've kind of done away with that terminology

because, you know, people who are so-called not first class were second class, and it's kind of demeaning and degrading and, you know, kind of put people up on a pedestal and put other people beneath the pedestal. So you don't really hear that anymore. There's no more, like, division of the class, you know, or there's blue collar, there's rich, there's poor, there's homeless, but you don't get divvied up into a class anymore,

even though mentally we could all do it. We can all do it. You know, you could walk down the street and go, God, Look at that low-class family. Lucky for me, I live in the suburbs, and I'm middle-class. God. But did you realize there's one place where they still blatantly refer to you as a class? And not only do they refer to you as a class,

they do it over a loudspeaker, right? You know what I'm talking about? In the airport, when you buy a plane ticket, you can buy a first class ticket and you can sit in first class and what's everyone else economy? All right, you might as well be saying first class and homeless. I'm sorry, what class are you? Oh, you're not even a class.

You're just economy. Your money is fueling this jet so that I can sit in first class because you are the economy that services my first class ass. Right? And they do it on the loudspeaker, right? They let the first class people go first. Yeah, we're boarding Delta 572 to San Francisco. First class passengers only.

First class. The rest of you scum just sit out in the lobby here and finish your Burger King Fry. And when we're good and ready and the first class are all comfy and cozy in their big fat leather seats and sipping their champagne and orange juice, maybe then we'll let the economy get herded through into the back of the plane. And by the way, you're going to walk past the first classers. Try not to look at them or make eye contact.

They really don't like to look at the economy, people. Right, and then you get on the plane, and you're all trapped in there together, and there's about six rows of first class and, like, 900 rows of economy. And then they get on the speaker in the plane where it's even more uncomfortable because you're all stuffed in there together, and they're like, Thank you for flying Northwest Airlines to Minneapolis today. there is a first class toilet up front for our first class passengers if they need to take a first class dump

and you economy people I think there's some stalls in the back of the plane but we'd prefer you don't get up so if you can just pee in your seats and you know whatever right they really divvy it up I'm amazing there hasn't been lawsuits for all the degrading. You know, can't they just say zone one, zone two, zone three? Do people still need to hear the first class reference? All right, I'm going to be honest. I'm not going to be a hypocrite here.

I fly first class a lot. That's why maybe I notice this stuff. I fly first class for reasons of obviously I get recognized a lot when I go out in public. And I like the first class because, to be perfectly honest, when you start at the front of an airplane and you walk all the way to the back and everyone looks up at you when you're walking by and people start yelling out your name and talking to you, and it just gets, it's not an ego thing.

I just get embarrassed. I get a little anxiety ridden. I get a little nervous, you know, because it's like, I don't know what you do or you do or you do. I don't know where you work. I don't know your name. I don't know where you live. But it's weird when you get on a tight little plane

and like 60, 70, 80% of the people in that environment know you. And they start talking to you and asking you things. And so, yes, I like to fly first class so I can kind of be the first one on and get my seat by the window and hide behind my newspaper. and not have to deal with that anxiety. And again, don't get me wrong. It's not about not wanting to meet people

and talk to people or being a snob. It's about my nerves. It's a little nerve-wracking. So I sit up in first class a lot and I just noticed this whole class thing and even I feel embarrassed when they say first class and I'm the jack-wad that stands up, right? It's like, oh, God, do they have to be?

to say first class and how first class is it man it's a stinky airplane and the seats are still crap in first class you know you're still squished in beside someone and they still serve the meals with plastic utensils so first class my ass i'll take zone one and uh that maybe will level the playing field. Oh, there. I got it out. So anyways, let's see what the airlines do with that. In the meantime, I think of all of you people, and here comes a little ass kissing,

but it's true, it's sincere. You're all first class in my eyes, and thank you for being here on the Harland Highway. Hey, everybody, you are rolling. down the Harland Highway with me, your host, Harland Williams. There was a thing in the paper yesterday about a man who was kicked off of an airplane, a domestic flight here in the old U.S. of A, because he was too heavy, apparently too fat. They refused to lift off with a man of his girth. Donnie Carter from Minnesota, and we have him here today.

Donnie, what happened? Where were you going and tell us how this played out? I was flying from Pittsburgh to Seattle, and I boarded the plane, and I was about to sit down. I had the middle seat in the row, and the flight attendant and pilot came back and said I couldn't fly. Now, are you going to, they physically pulled you off the plane? Yeah, they physically helped me out of my chair. So you're already sitting? Well, I was kind of leaning on the armrests.

I was working my way into the chair. Okay. Did the armrest, I don't mean to be graphic, but did it get caught lost in one of your rolls? Or did it go up into your... Okay, look, I don't need comments like that. No, I just... It sounds like you're a very large man. I'm looking at you here.

Right. And I just, those little armrests on those seats, I could see you leaning on it and it's just being maybe absorbed right into your... no okay no look they started going oh look he's got he's got food on his chest which which i didn't and well what was on your chest well i mean i spilled food the day before but it washed out it was just the stain it was a little little barbecue sauce oh god well i mean i mean i don't mean to but you know that's no it's it's nothing wrong with it so you're covered in food and you go in and you go to sit down and you squished to other passengers.

Right. No, I asked, you know, I mean, I gave them the butt. I could have walked, turned and walked face, you know, in front of them and walked in, but I gave them the butt as I went. Oh, God. Well, that's better than, you know, the front hole. So this pilot came back. I hate to say it, but the front, just, it looks like the back.

Your front is just as rounded as your back, and I'm not, no, I'm just saying you're very. I'm big-boned, I understand. Okay, so is there any legal recourse for you in a situation like this? Well, absolutely. I mean, look, you tell me anybody, you know, you can't fly the friendly skies at all because, you know, unless you weigh 180 pounds, apparently. Well, certainly fly the flabby skies. All right.

No, I mean, I didn't mean that, but you're just... You know, I hear that abuse all the time. I understand a big boned... It's not bones, sir. It's... I'm sorry. We all have... bones inside and bones don't grow fat.

You're just pushing it. I'm not pushing it, but I'm sick and tired of people like you blaming your disorder on society. Your bones don't grow fat. Your flesh does. Make bigger seats. I mean, look, look, how many times have you been on a flight and you said, I wish this seat was bigger?

Right? You know, you know what I've said? I said, I wish this fat guy wasn't sitting beside me, is what I've said. guys like you who come in with an ass growing out of the front I mean I'm sorry sir I don't know if I'm with you on this one how can you say that are you what if what if I was in a wheelchair would you say hey look you're at a wheelchair you can't go all you can't fly in a I don't know if they have wheelchairs with truck wheels on them sir

I mean look I'm not I'm trying to be sensitive but you know you're sitting here and I still see some there's a pat of butter right over your breast pocket there. Right, right, okay. Can you just, could you take that off? It's a little square of butter from a restaurant, sir. Oh, I mean, look, I must have fell on my lap, I didn't see it. Well, get it off.

I mean, for God's sakes, how are people, and I'm trying to have some sympathy here for you, but how are people supposed to have sympathy when you're walking around, slathered in gravy and squishing people, and making ridiculous demands when all you really have to do, sir, is exercise and cut down on the Baskin Robbins. Look, my eating disorder is not why I'm on this show.

I'm here to get my story out so people like me don't have to be afraid to fly. Well, I think the real story here is that fatties have to, you know, can you not get your stomach stapled or welded shut or something? No, why should I have to change when the planes and these chairs and these wafy little pairs, Helton girls could change sir i i don't want to point this out but you're it looks like the chair you're sitting in right now is the the legs are bending can you just do you want me to stand up i think you better just stand up because i think you're about to crush that chair are you okay well it takes me a minute to this you can't even get up oh my god you can't get up oh oh oh oh oh might have to sit down a little light-headed you just some looks like some a little piece of meat

just fell off your shirt oh oh could you help me pick that up okay sir i think we're done here uh okay uh donnie carter's here ladies and gentlemen sir i i don't mean to but you're just you've got butter and meat all over the floor here and i think you maybe you should just go because i'm for one don't feel the sympathy. If that's what you feel, then that's fine. I'll leave. Okay. Thank you for coming in.

Do you know the cafeteria downstairs? Is it open now? The cafeteria is on the third floor. Right, and it's open? Yes, there's a freight elevator. You can... In the back. Okay.

Well, thank you for doing what you did. Donnie Carter. Sorry about your chair. Going toe to toe with the airlines. over his obesity issues. I'm going to go and shower off or something. Watch your calories, people. You ever been in a cockpit before?

No, sir. I've never been up in a plane before. You ever seen a grown man naked? Do you want me to check the weather, Clarence? No, why don't you take care of it? Joey, do you ever hang around the gymnasium? We better get back now, Joey. No, Joey can stay here for a while if you'd like. Could I?

Oh, my. Oh, my, oh my. What a way to end. Happy landings, everybody. We'll catch you next time. Thanks for joining me, Harland Williams, here on the craziest highway in the world, the Harland Highway. Until next time, chicken chow main, baby.