The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK EPISODE #6

Episode Date: March 4, 2013

By listener demand, playing down the early episodes that aren't posted. We drop these in from time to time until we are caught up to #42. ENJOY, BOOOOOOOYYYY!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is Donkey Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Oh, yes. It's the witching hour here at the Harland Highway. Hello, good evening, good morning. I'm kind of sitting right on that fence. It's like 11.50 at night. And soon it will be the next day. We will be talking, or I will be talking to you, on this podcast as one day rolls into the next.

And, you know, that's kind of a big thing. right like one day rolls into the next it actually sounds like a big thing and it kind of is a big thing but yet it goes by without any rumble any bang any noise any whistles i mean that maybe that's why time is the killer they say because it just it sneaks along so silently it's like a it's like a lion crouching in the grass stalking through the grass and It's silent and you don't know it's there Until it's upon you ripping your throat out But yeah

That's the fun thing about the podcast It can be done at any time You know some of them I record during the day Some of them I record during the night And you know right now it's just mellow It's 10 minutes to midnight There's a quietness that falls all over the earth

there's a kind of hush all over the world tonight okay enough of that that could just about ruin the night right there, me singing but there is a certain mellowness

you know it's cool it's cool doing a show at night you know we got a half moon out tonight which is kind of weird when you think that the moon is a circle and you look up and you just see like it completely cut in half just half a moon

and of course we know it's just the light it's just the shadows but it's kind of odd just half the moon's gone looks like some giant stood up and took a bite out of it um so here we are on the Harland Highway and you know what?

I think we kick things off today. I think we kick things off because we're in an introspective mood with the calmness of the night. I think it's a nice time to look inside ourselves, maybe do a bit of self-analysis, a bit of therapy. I think it might be time to visit my therapist

Dr. Ascot Hello Dr. Ascot Hello, Harland What are we doing today? What would you like to do, Holland? What do you mean? You're leaving it up to me? Well, maybe you have something on your mind,

Holland. Oh, gee, yeah, let's see. Oh, I don't know. How about Um, uh, water. Yes, Harland, talk to me about water. Oh, I don't know. It's clear. It's, it's, it's, when you're thirsty, you drink it. There, we're done. Can I go? I talked about water. Holland, tell me more about this water you talk of.

I was just being an idiot. I don't care about water. You should care about water, Holland. Oh, and why should I care about water? about that because maybe I'm off kilter because I don't drink enough water. Dr. Ascot? Please don't raise your voice,

Harland. I'm sorry, but what, how does water relate to anything that I... Holland. You were born inside your mother's womb and surrounded by water when

you were just an embryo. Yeah, and so were you, Dr. Ascott. Exactly. Exactly, Arland. Okay, and the point is... Arlen, please don't question. What do you mean, don't question?

You just made this big statement about me being an embryo surrounded by water, and somehow water affects me? Holland. What? I can't answer water questions for you. I don't have a question. You just somehow said that... Holland.

What? Have you ever been on a water slide, Holland? Yes, I've been on a water slide. There's your answer. There's my answer. Okay, good. Thanks for coming in. Boy, I just feel, if anyone ever thought I was nuts, there's no way they could now. I mean, I talked about water, I think, somehow. Holland?

Yes. Don't mark the sessions or we'll have to do it. Again. No, no, no, no, no, we're not going to do it again. Water, thank you, doctor. Thank you, Arland. This has got to end soon. I think I'll go get a drink. Holland. Not water, just some milk. That's a good boy, Arland.

Do you know anybody who is going to see a therapist for real? and does it bother you do you have a spouse a husband or a wife or a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a lover that's you know going to see a therapist that goes and sits down for a couple hours a week and spills their guts to a therapist presumably telling all their darkest secrets and fears and phobias and all the things that that twist them up inside and torment them and confuse them. And if so, if that person is going to a therapist, does it bother you that they're divulging

all their most innermost secrets and fears and fantasies and desires and paranoias? Does it bother you that this complete stranger that they pay 300 bucks an hour to sit there with, does it bother you that your so-called partner is giving away all this information and all this insight and all this very deep personal stuff? And yet you probably know none of it or you know a fraction of it. Or you know that there's a side to your partner that sets them off. Or you know that they had some trauma in their life, but I can't ever talk about it. Oh, I had this thing happen when I was in school, but I can't go into it.

It's too. Oh, I'm starting. Here come the waterworks. I can't talk about it. Okay, I'm your partner. We do everything together. We go to dinner together. We live together.

We sleep together. We make love together. We had babies together. We share our bank accounts together. But you're not going to tell me about some of the traumatic events that helped shape your life and your personality. But you're going to go sit down with some middle-aged guy with a clipboard that you don't even know. And you're just going to tell them everything. Not only you're going to tell them everything that happened, but you're going to tell them how it makes you feel.

and you're going to cry in his lap and you're going to be so open and yet I can't get jack squat out of you but that's okay I'm just your partner I don't need to know how you work I don't need to know how you function do I sound a little bitter there

do I sound a little crazy I guess I've met some people in my life that you know haven't been the best communicator And I guess it does irk me a little bit, and don't get me wrong, I am in support of people helping themselves and getting therapy and doing what they have to do. But I always found it a little offensive, maybe a little cold and impersonal, that my partner had no reservations whatsoever about giving away the goods to this person that really, you know, once they step outside of their office, that's it. You know, they don't have to sleep with them or shop with them or eat with them

or have babies with them or share bank accounts with them. And I don't know if I like it that some guy in corduroy pants and a tweed sweater and a fancy gold watch and a ballpoint pen and a clipboard knows more about my partner, my wife or my girlfriend, than I do. something just feels wrong about that and what's worse is if you encourage your partner to open up to you I'm like oh no I can't go there it's just it's too deep it's too painful but I'll tell you what if you build a little cardboard office

and put a leather chair and sit there and look at me with eyes that look like they're they care for 60 minutes I'll tell you anything you want to know. Yeah, I'll cry. I'll tell you about my suicide attempts. I'll tell you about anything. I don't know. I feel like having a relationship is all about trust and intimacy and getting really deep.

Like, aren't you supposed to share with your partner the stuff that nobody else knows? Isn't that, like, kind of part of the magic and the secret bond between you? It's like, I know all this stuff about my girlfriend or my wife, and the wife knows all about the secret stuff that happened to you. And that's what helps forge that bond. You know, there's that trust, that intimacy. But I don't know. All too often nowadays, I just feel weird that people give it away to guys.

And not only that, they're paying people. here's 700 bucks and let me tell you all the stuff that my husband's been asking for but I won't give it to him for free but I'll give it to you for 700 thank you very much I don't know like I said get the help you need I do support it but don't cut out your partner open up you might be surprised how much insight they have and how much support they have and how much help they might have for you. Because guess what? There is a reason that they chose you out of the hundreds and thousands and millions of people on planet Earth.

You two found each other. It's a miracle. You found each other. So now that you've found each other, open up to each other. There's a reason you're together. So give a little less away to the stranger. who's charging you and give a lot more

to the person who's willing to look you rate in the eye and hear it for free and at the end of your session give you a hug and a kiss and maybe buy you some mint chocolate chip at Baskin Robbins and maybe even make sweet, passionate love to you because they care

and they love you. So there you go. Hello? Hey, Arlen, you need help. Seek help immediately, guys. Wow, okay. Thanks for the call there, Dr. Phil. I guess we're listening to my message machine again today.

Hello. Colin Williams. Love you, love it. Keep it up. See, there you go. Just because one guy thinks I need help, he's obviously an anomaly. I mean, everyone else who listens to this show loves it and thinks I'm totally normal. Listen, Harlan, you're a freak.

I don't know if you're on cyclone, chloid, endocrine, digotoxins, or what. But somebody needs to string you up by your gnarly big toe and take a really ugly infected cat and rub him all over you. Oh, man. I mean, come on. Doesn't anybody have anything constructive to say to? me? Oh, yes. I was just wondering, do you really smoke weed? Do I seem like the type of person that would smoke weed?

What, man? I don't smoke weed. Oh, come on, man. If you honestly, honestly think I smoke weed, let me hear you say a five-letter word that starts with H. Hello. Oh, you little weasel. Nah, I'm just kidding. I love you, buddy. Joe.

Oh, man. Weird messages. But I love them, man. Keep them coming. So you need help. Seek help immediately, guys. What is the deal with pot smokers anyways? I mean, this is a very transitional time for the weed smokers of America,

especially here in California. where we record the Harland Highway, by the way. For those of you listening on the far reaches of planet Earth, for those of you huddled beneath the monolith statues on Easter Island, for those of you sitting in the shadows of the Taj Mahal in India, for those of you nestled in the temples of Cambodia. We do record right here in Hollywood, California, A, and there's kind of a movement going on here in California with the marijuana world.

A lot of these medical marijuana home depot type facilities are popping up. The average Joe can go to a doctor and get a little, it looks like your driver's license. And it's called a medical marijuana card. It's like a library card or a blockbuster card. The only difference is you can get stoned out of your head and pretend you're a turkey and you can fly. Outside of that, it's perfectly harmless. But marijuana is becoming a lot more accessible, a lot more acceptable.

It's getting harder and harder for the authorities to crack the whip and drop the hammer. on pot smokers, because according to these medical marijuana depots, you're allowed to have a certain amount of marijuana on your person at any given time. And it's interesting. It's almost like you're starting to see the law begin to bend. You're starting to see the rules start to bend. and that's how things kind of change in society. A lot of times they can either be very brisk and abrupt

or they can be very incremental. And I think what's been happening over the decades here is that the marijuana lobby, the people who love to smoke, have just been hammering and hammering and hammering away at the legislators and the politicians and Congress and the lawmakers, and they're just relentless, these stoners. And they're just like, hey, man, like, I'm not going away or nothing, man.

Like, it's like, you're either going to change the law, man, or I'm just going to keep standing here and rambling. Because, you know, when you're really high, time just kind of stand still anyhow. So for me, like, even though I've been rambling for, like, seven or eight hours, like it just feels like i just got here man and wow that that piece of wall looks really good can i eat your wall man it looks like wow looks delicious like i've got the munchies and i'd like to eat your wall dude um and so these guys just keep hammering away and being defiant and they keep growing the weed and they keep finding ways to sell it and you almost get the

feeling the DEA and everybody involved is just kind of like getting tired they're pot weary they're probably at the point where they're all smoking pot you know the lawmakers of the country the attorney general's like oh yeah about the pot law man like you know what just like um let's just like screw it right and um i think you know just you know just Just go for it, man. Like, save the whales and, and can I eat that wall? I really like that wall over there. It looks delicious.

So, I mean, I don't know if, in fact, you can wear the legal system down, but that's what it seems like has happened here. And as these medical marijuana depots pop up more frequently on the streets, where people walk and meet and dance and eat I just feel like we're leaning closer and closer towards a what's that place where they over the Norwegian

what is it Amsterdam we're leaning more and more towards an Amsterdamian existence and I find it ironic that the word damned is in there The whole society as a whole is kind of becoming more and more damned, isn't it? It just seems that politicians are, you know, throwing their morals out the window, their convictions, they're having affairs, you know, who's that jackass that was running for president a few years back? and he was busted for having an affair.

I forget his name. He's so insignificant to me. I think you know who I mean. That kind of nerdy-looking guy who looks like he should be like teaching crunches at a gym. And all these politicians are taking bribes and handouts and, you know, we got the internet and porn. just getting crazier and people are kind of ignoring the law and people are like, yeah, you know, it's America,

you do the crime and, you know, you get some fancy lawyers and it's not like the old days where if you did something bad, you got life. Now they like tell you you got life, but you're out in about six months. So, I don't know. are there pot smokers listening to my podcast should i change my name to podcast hey man did you like catch his podcast today man yeah i caught it man like what the hell is he talking about

all that all that crap about nothing like yeah i don't know man he's just like you know what i did no what what you do man well uh you know after the guy got whining on so long about pot and everything, man. I got hungry. Yeah?

Yeah, I ate the podcast, man. What, you ate the podcast? Yeah, man, it's like a pop brownie, man. I just, you know, I downloaded an MP3, and I burned it to, like, a disc, and then I ate the disc, man. And I'm tripp, like, I'm buzzing right now, man. I don't know what he puts in his podcast, man, but. This is some fine stuff, man. Wow, I want some.

Yeah, let's go burn one of the Harland Highway podcasts, man. Yeah, this is cool, man. You want to go eat a wall, too? Yeah, let's go eat a wall first. Okay. Oh, man. All right, well, we are here at the Harland Highway, and I'm clear-minded, I promise.

I'm not high. When I say highway, I mean highway, as in a surface for cars to drive on, not highway, like welcome stoners. Although if you're a stoner, you're welcome to listen. This is all turning into crazy weird play. Podcast, highway, Harland. Hmm, wait, I don't know what that meant, but...

Be sure to hit the website, harlomwilions.com, and write me if you have any comments about pot smoking or anything, in general. If you have a letter you want to write me, I will try and read it on the air and talk about your topic or answer your question. You know, ask me a question. Dear Harlan, why are rhinoceroses so fat?

And why do some of them have one horn and some of them have two horns? So weird. How can you help, please? You know, stuff like that. And I have the answers. Don't worry. I have the answers to just about.

everything. In fact, I think I have the answer on how to make you laugh. You don't believe me? All right. Listen to this. What's up, groovsters? What's up, freakaholics? Any donut lovers out there, man? The crispy cream experience? Oh my God. Those crispy cream donuts? Just the idea of cream being crispy is a thing on its own. You ever get them hot off the donut grill? Oh my God, they come out and they're still hot and the sugars glistening. They're just like these pouting donuts waiting.

It's almost like a sexual experience. They're erotic. They're borderline erotic, man. Those donuts. Just something sexy about them. Then you bite into them, man, and they're soft. It's like, oh, they're warm and they're softs. It's like making out with Angelina Jolie's big puffy lips.

Oh, come here, my crispy cream donut. La roon. Oh, just eat that thing up, man, and then you just can't have one. You've got to have another one and another one and another one. And suddenly you're a big thing. fatty because you're in love with a circular shaped piece of food you're addicted aren't you to donuts you love round food oh it's weird i know but i'm gonna go get a dozen right now go have a picnic under a tree and fall in love with glazed donut wow okay look out i

I think I almost fell into a donut orgy there. But I kind of did that for the stoners. You know, they get the munchies. They like the donuts. They like the yummies. They like the tasty treats. But just to be a good mother, which I am, to be a concerned mother, to be a mad mother, mothers against drugs.

I have to say this. when it comes to drugs just say no so no I want drugs oh wait what I didn't mean that just just say no

no okay you know what I mean just say no to drugs okay obviously it's getting late here I know where you are wherever you're listening to this isn't a live podcast So it could be six in the morning, it could be one in the afternoon, it could be 4 a.m.

But for me, it is 1232 in the evening, a late night intimate podcast. I feel like, do you remember that old Clint Eastwood movie, The Play Misty for me? It's an oldie. Most of you probably won't even remember it, but it was about a Clint Eastwood was a late-night DJ. He had the graveyard shift and there was this creepy stalker lady who would always call up the station and say, play Misty for me in this real sexy voice. And Clint was like, ooh, she's kind of sexy. And I guess every night she started phoning back, play Misty for me. And before long, Clint had a woman with a kitchen knife laying in his bed next to him. and she was a freak and psycho.

So I don't invite any of you to call in your request. I won't play Misty for you. If you need to be played Misty too, I recommend you go to a vending machine and get yourself a Sierra Mist, and that's as close as it's going to get. Okay? So carbonate yourself, put the knife down, and chill out.

And thanks for joining us here on the late shift tonight. for the Harlan podcast. Hey man, is that wall ready yet? Oh, shut up. Well, I want to eat the wall, man. Go smoke another download. Well, that's a good idea, too. Okay, man.

Hey, I want to come, too. Yeah, let's go, man. Yeah, both of you get out of here. Go get some crispy creams. Oh, yeah, wow. They're the same shape as CDs. Oh, yeah, let's put our CDs on our Krispy creams and they'll be like shiny.

silver donuts man oh yeah oh you stoners anyways thanks for joining me harland williams here on my podcast on the harland highway and we will catch you next time and remember just say no to drugs no Thank you.