The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK EPISODE 741

Episode Date: May 23, 2016

HEY GANG. Sorry for the technical issues. NEW episode will be up tomorrow. Enjoy this Flashback episode until NEW show is posted tomorrow. Harland is on Tonight Show tonight so be sure to tune in for the laughs!. Enjoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to the Harland Highway, Lurtle Flurgens and Galabber Blabins. um how are you today uh welcome to the show welcome to the harlan highway i'm harlan williams your host with the most and uh we got a good show today we're going to be talking about all kinds of stuff it's just it's like a pot-pery today just a little pot-pery of uh you know pod So, get your soup bowl out. And, uh, let's do this. This is the Harland Highway. Where am I?

What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about what? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happening?

Harland, it's show you. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway. What is it? Opening? To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Okay, so have you ever done this thing where you're driving around and it's the most annoying thing? I don't know why people do it, but you get stuck behind a vehicle that has a sticker on the back that says, how am I driving?

1-800, blah, blah, blah, how am I driving? And most of the time I don't know who these people are. I don't know, you know, A, why somebody wants to know how they're driving. Like, it makes me very suspicious that they not have a driver's license? Are they illegal drivers? Did they sneak into the system? Did the DMV go, you know what? You didn't pass your driver's test, okay?

You ran over three people in wheelchairs, okay? You drove through a mall, you crushed seven babies, you killed 12 puppies and nine kittens, you drove through an old folks home, so we can't give you your license, but we don't want you to not be able to drive, so we're going to give you a bumper sticker, and this way we can at least keep tabs on you. What, like, what are these stickers for? it like who who wants to know who's keeping who's how this person's driving and and what's interesting you'll see it on trucks you'll see it on cars so guess who wanted to know i wanted to

know today i was driving around and i decided to call the damn number because to be honest that this car there was a car in front of him it was like a Ford escort or something driving with her kid, and the kid was getting up out of the passenger seat and jumping into the back seat, and then going back into the front seat. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. And then while this was happening, the driver was a bit distracted, and she was kind of weaving and slowing down and not going the speed limit and kind of drifting into the other lane. And I thought, hmm maybe there's a practical reason that this shit-ass driver in front of me was flagged with a big bumper sticker that says how am I driving so guess what I said I thought you know what I'm driving

I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to call this number uh so I dialed it it was it was funny it was like 1,800, 800, and then I forget the other four numbers. And the first thing that struck me as interesting is I got like Muzak, and it was like, your call will be taken at the first possible moment. Our people are standing by. This call may be monitored for, and I'm like, what am I calling a bank? What am I? Who am I calling here? So I wait about about a minute, and sure enough, someone comes on, and they weren't really that friendly.

They're like, hello, I said, oh, hello, I said, oh, hello. He said, yes, they can give me the license plate of the vehicle. I said, the license plate. I don't know the license plate. I'm driving. I'm not memorizing a license plate. It's like, okay, there was a phone. number on the back of the vehicle. Can you give me the phone number? No, if I didn't memorize a license plate, I'm not going to memorize a friggin' phone number. That's like, what, seven or eight digits? Okay, so can you give me the car ID number? There was a car. I'm like, how many numbers were on this thing? Who's driving this car? The count from Sesame Street?

What's with all the numbers? I said, no, I don't know the number. She goes, well, it ends in WC. and I said, well, I don't know. It's something, something, something weave and crash for the WC. She goes, okay, sir, can you tell me what kind of car it was? I'm like, I don't know. I didn't look. I wasn't looking at all these details. I was watching some idiot weaving around like they were high on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

So I get grilled with all these questions, not the most, you know, friendly voice on the line and uh and then she she asked me okay what with the what was the situation sir and i said well i said have you ever heard of sigourney weaver she didn't answer and i said uh well anyways this this chick was weaving all over the place like sigourney weaver she goes okay sir and uh can you tell me uh who was in the car was it a man or a woman? And now I'm starting to feel guilty like I'm getting the person in trouble. And I just kind of wanted to really hear what the protocol was.

But now I'm thinking, God, what if this poor woman and her kid get like, you know, she loses her job or something? And then she's like, Sarah, can you please give us your phone number and your email so we can follow up? And I said, no, forget it. She went, okay. And she just, that was it. up. Kind of rude, kind of short. And then I thought, wait a minute, what about a phone number to call for how this woman was talking on the phone? Because that seemed to be more of an

affront than the erratic driver in front of me. I was more incensed by the rudeness of the person at the report the driver phone center. Suddenly, she was like really rubbing me the wrong way. And I was like, well, I want a phone number to complain about her now. It's just, it's like that song, there was an old lady who lived on a log. She lived on a log and she's swallowed a frog. The frog lived on the log and he swallowed a horse. And, you know, everything just keeps leading to the next thing. And I'm thinking, God, I'm going to keep calling numbers complaining all the way through this chain.

I end up right at the White House. Oh, this is President Barack. Obama? How may I assist you? Okay. Someone was driving erratically. Let me look into it. It was just ridiculous. So there you go. There you go. Let's keep moving along here. I wanted to read this story for you. I wanted to read this story for you. I was looking at the, I read my newspaper online now. I don't know how many of you do this. I used to buy the newspaper all the time and now, you know, a physical, like, paper newspaper. I used to, you know, peruse it. I would leaf through it.

I'd fold it. I haven't bought a real newspaper in, I bet it's like six, seven years. years now. Maybe five years. And so I was reading a story on the internet. And this headline, I just thought I got to share this right away. Listen to this. The headline is, man urinates in Walmart as he puts trout in pants. I mean, you can't even make that stuff up. It's one of the best headlines I've ever heard my life. Let me read this story to you. A man faces charges after he urinated in a Walmart store, which, no, isn't that bad. I have a feeling that happens all the time. He urinated in a Walmart store while trying to put a package of trout in his trousers according to the arrest

warrant. So if you've ever wondered where the term trout trousers, or trouser trout comes from. I guess, you know, it came from Walmart. The police said they were called to the store at 133 p.m. to apprehend this man. And a worker told an officer that the suspect, David Wiley, as in Wiley Coyote, was seen urinating on the sales floor near the alcohol

while trying to stuff a package of trout in his pants and then he attempted to leave the store without paying the warrant said you know I think in that instance you might want to let him leave the store it's like excuse me sir what's in your pants

uh I got nothing uh sir uh there's a tail a fish tail sticking out of your belt line Yeah, I don't know what that is. Okay, so it's moving, it's flapping. Yeah. Do you have trout in your pants, sir?

Okay, you got me. Okay, we're going to need to put that back into the fish section. Yeah, okay. Can I rub it around a bit longer? And I wonder if, you know, if this is just the weird part, but I wonder if to retrieve the trout, they undid his fly and pulled the trout through his fly. And technically, on his arrest warrant, it states that he was arrested for fly fishing. Okay, bad joke.

That one's on me. Let's continue with this story. The police officer apprehended this guy, said that Wiley told him he did indeed. urinate on the floor, but was not concerned because somehow he knew it was a misdemeanor. Don't you love that when criminals know the law? They know how much trouble they're going to get in. So they cause crap and they do things because they've been in trouble so much that they know they're not going to go to, they'll get a stupid ticket or a summons that they're not going to pay.

They're not going to show up at court anyways because, you know, they're their criminal element so they disregard any of that authority and so that they get away with stuff in society knowing that uh you know what man i'm gonna urinate on the floor here man i'm gonna urinate on the floor because at the most you know even if the police come police just gonna you know give me a talking to police gonna you know ask me to get out in the store i'm not police ain't even gonna ask me to clean up my own lemonade. Listen, this isn't my first rodeo. You think I haven't pissed all over Kmart?

Oh, hell yeah. You think I haven't done a nice long puddle of piss all the way down aisle five at Target? Oh, hell yeah, I have. Man, are you kidding me? I took a dump last week at Big Lots, right in the toilet. section, a bunch of children stepped in it. All I got was a slap in the wrist that told me not to come back in the store. Oh, hell yeah.

I mean, come on, man. So this perp said he'd also been consuming alcohol. He repeatedly stated to the officers that he was not concerned with being cited for either offense because they were misdemeanors. See, exactly. Oh, sometimes there's just too many freedoms in this country. Wiley's statements as well as the detection of alcohol led me to believe that the offenses were likely to continue the officer wrote. Yeah.

Oh, hey, you know, I've been saving up this big dump. Oh, I got a giant dump. I've been holding on to this dump for 14, 15 days. I'm going to clog up the front door of a, of a rock. stress for less. Yeah, man, I'm going to go to Coles, you know, Coles, the clothing store. I'm going to piss all up and down the shoe section, and then I'm going to go over to Home Depot, and I'm going to take a dump inside a refrigerator. Yeah, a brand new refrigerator. I'm going to get that shit home, find out they already got a meatloaf in the fridge.

So this guy was arrested and charged with shoplifting, vandalism, indecent exposure, and public intoxication. The warrant says the value of the items he attempted to take was $130, and the vandalism was estimated at $10. Okay, well, you know what? What about the mental scarring and the emotional distress to the community? How about all the people that were there? And how many people had to hide their children's eyes as they were.

full-grown man pissed all over the grocery store all over the Walmart and shoved fresh fish into his balls does that does that not take a toll is that not worth anything hello so i mean people talk about people getting arrested and you know i don't know if you if you If you don't apply the rule of law, then this type of stuff just becomes more common. And yeah, we can laugh about it. And yeah, we can sit on our couches and our nice, comfy homes and go, you know what, man, they're arresting too many people. There's too many people in jail.

Black, white, Asian, whatever. I don't care what color the skin is. We're just filling up these jails. And are you like, don't you think this idiot should be in jail? I think he should. I mean, shoplifting's a crime. Stealing's a crime. Vandalizing is a crime.

Urinating on private property in front of the public around food items is a crime. I mean, you know, here's the deal. If you think our prisons are overcrowded, hey, everyone listening, stop committing crimes, you idiots. Some people act like it's a sin that our jails are too full. It's like we've got to stop putting people in jail, man. I mean, well, people got to stop committing crimes. You know why we have jails?

Because we have laws. You know why we have laws to keep some kind of order in society? You start to look the other way on these things and they just start to get worse and worse. We've all seen that. So I'll leave that right there. I think I'll go get a filet of fish and just chill out. I guess we'll see it at Walmart. Man.

Okay. You know what, let's switch gears to something nice because this was nice. When was the last time you went for a little walk out in nature? Have you done that lately? Have you just gone out into nature and gone for a nice walk? This was really cool. I was down in Florida doing a stand-up tour, and I was at this hotel, and the hotel backed onto a golf course,

and then the golf course backed on to just kind of like the forest and the outdoors, so I could see it all from my window. And I thought, here I am in a big, fancy city. in Orlando. Should I go to Disneyland? Should I go downtown? Should I go to the mall? I'm like, no. I'm not going to do any of that stuff. I'm going to go back there. I see some woods and some rivers and some lakes and some marshes. And I'm like, I'm going to go back there. I bet there's some delicious trout I could shove in my pant. No, I'm kidding. So right off the back of this hotel I'm at, I wandered down and

And I'm instantly kind of in this great wooded area. It's not like I'm in Yosemite. I'm out in the middle. You know, sometimes you think when you want to go connect with nature, you kind of feel like, oh, well, I better go camping. I better go to, I better go to Yosemite, I better go to Yellowstone. I better go climb Mount Everest. But you'll be amazed at how much nature is around, and especially in a place like Florida. So I walk across a little trail that cuts across the golf course, and suddenly I'm, you know, in city limits, in the shadow of this hotel, suddenly I'm seeing like, right away, I cross a little bridge of a creek, and I look down and there's like a great big turtle, and there's a heron, and there's an ibis, and there's a snake,

snake bird, and there's some fish. And this is like right when I get off the trail from the golf course. And I'm like, how cool is this? So I start walking. I'm walking down this little trail through the marsh. And I'm like, what do I see? A giant like alligator. There's like probably about a six, seven foot alligator laying there in the weeds,

sunning itself. And I'm like, holy smokes. How often you see a wild alligator? and then I see some herons. And then I'm walking along and I see some vultures. I see a couple of turkey vultures and I start filming them and another one flies in and there's like a turkey vulture fight right in front of me. I'm like, I'm literally like, you know, I'm literally like 80 yards off the golf course here.

I just stepped into nature. And so now I'm seeing all this stuff. and I'm walking and there's lily pads in the water and there's cypress trees growing and there's pine trees and there's big pine cones laying on the ground and I look and I see footprints from deer and wild boar and you just realize how much nature thrives it really does thrive

and what was even better about the whole thing is you get into nature you walk around in nature and it instantly kind of gets into your skin, it gets into your soul, you're not even really thinking about it. But I think it's like, it's like when you see underwater creatures or you see even land mammals. You know how cats have whiskers? And they say that the whiskers have receptors in them and that, you know, creatures like sharks have all these receptors on their skin and they can feel vibrations and they can sense movement and they can sense electrical impulses. Now, I'm not a scientist, but it's my belief that humans have built-in receptors, whatever they are.

Whether they're stimulated by the visual, whether they're stimulated by sound, birds chirping and rivers babbling, whether it's you know they're stimulated by sight I just I just feel like when you when a human being steps into nature there are involuntary things that come to life

in your mind and in your body and maybe even in your soul there's a portion of you that that gets activated that you might not necessarily feel when you're surrounded in your home, in your city, in your car, in your office. And when I say these things are activated, I'm not even sure what they are, but there's kind of this feeling that comes, this connectedness that I think maybe we all kind of feel

we're stimulated somehow. Maybe we're not aware of it. I don't know if it releases endorphins into our blood, or it scientifically, it alters our stress levels, it soothes our senses, it calms us down, it makes us more aware. I don't know, but I feel like, and again, I'm not a scientist, I feel like when you step into nature, subtle changes, subtle stimuli occur in the human body that makes you or helps you, or helps you. connect to nature. It's almost like invisible force fields or you ever see a sea an enemy when a sea an enemy is underwater and it's just a tube and then all of a sudden the actual tentacles of the anemone come out and spread out underwater. It's almost like all these

invisible probes start to shoot back and forth between you and the forest and the trees and and the water and the earth and the ant hills and the birds. It's almost like maybe a better comparison is when you see an animation of a dolphin, you know, beeping its sonar underwater or a bat, beeping its sonar. It sends out sonar waves and the sonar waves bounce back. And sometimes I wonder if human beings and nature

kind of bounce these invisible beams back and forth at each other and somehow make us spiritually, mentally, physically connect somehow. And I know maybe that's too deep. Maybe that's just to sounds like a crock. But on the other side, I don't know. I always feel like, you know, when you walk through nature,

there's a sense of kind of letting go there's a sense of of things don't matter as much it's like you know you kind of your mind seems to meander and wander and like your stress levels go down or whatever i mean maybe you guys have your own personal connection when you walk through nature but i think there's something to that man i seriously believe that so anyways to sum it up i you know, I walked through and I was there, you know, walking through the trees and the birds and the wildlife. And, you know, this walk turned out to be probably a mile or too long. And it kind of meandered, kind of got deeper into the cypress forest and deeper into the marsh. And suddenly I'm walking right along kind of a little river system. And I see a whole bunch of other species of

birds, I probably saw probably maybe 15 different species, 20 species of birds, water birds and land birds and, you know, it's just very stimulating. And so I don't know, I just thought I'd share that with you and, you know, remind you that it is healthy. I think it is good to connect with nature and you don't always have to go, you know, on a three-week camp. trip, you know, to Mount Kilimanjaro in Africa. You can find nature fairly close. And I guess the point of my story is I think you'll be amazed, even if it's a little bit of nature, even if it's a hiking trail right in the middle of your city or a park or, you know, a cluster of trees. I think you'll feel those feelings that I just described start to come out of you when you

when you get close to the natural world. So just a little food for thought. Maybe, you know, if your life is feeling a bit complicated, a bit stressed, and maybe you need to get out and reflect, you need to get out and let your mind open up and expand and wander, maybe you need a few little moments with nature. Get out there, see a turtle, shove some trout in your pants, maybe shove a turtle down your underpants. If you can get your hands on a turkey vulture, just shove it down your underpants, some pine cones.

Maybe if you see some snails or even a small tree, just if you grab it at the bottom, you could rip it right up at the roots. Just shove it down your underpants. And then, you know, when you get back home, just pee all over the floor and let the smell of nature. fill your home. No, I'm joking. That last part, clearly a joke, but enjoy nature. Look at that. I've been rambling on so long about nature.

I got us to the end of the show. Oh, well, at least we got to talk about the trout trouser guy. Let me wrap it up here. Let me tell you about some upcoming gigs that I have. Let's see, what do we have here? Later in the month in February, February 25th through the 28th, I will be in Scottsdale, Arizona at the House of Comedy. Great club, it's brand new. It's only been open like a year and a half.

And a really hip place, really fun venue. Come out and see me in Scottsdale, Arizona, the House of Comedy, February 25th to 28th. And then in March, I will be in Houston, Texas at the Improv. That will be March 10th through the 13th. You can get all your tickets online at Harlandwilliams.com. Just click on my stand-up tour link, and you can see all the dates, times. You can get linked right to the ticket purchase links and grab your tickets. also when you're at my website you can you can join uh you can join my premium membership for my

podcast the harland highway which you're listening to right now 20 bucks a year get you all kinds of bonus material and uh my second podcast called let's have a fight which is a bunch of comedy verbal arguments between actors and comedians and funny people so you don't want to miss out on that and check out my store while you're there. We've got all kinds of fun merchandise, t-shirts, books, digital downloads, frozen trout. No, we don't have that,

but really great stuff in the store. You order it, we'll send it out to you. You can write me or call me. When you get to Harlowiams.com, you'll see our phone number there. You'll also see a link if you want to write me an email. love to get your your emails and there you go there you go i want to thank you all for being here i want to thank you all for sticking fish in your pants and uh that's it for today uh we will

catch you next time and until then everybody chicken chalman baby