The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 10

Episode Date: June 17, 2013

Slowly catching up on all 41 shows that never made it into the archives! Enjoy landlubbers!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is Donkey Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Chee! Chee! Oh, God, what a way to start the day off with a Michael Jackson. Shee! Chee! What the hell was that Chee-he thing, man? How did that rocket him to the top of pop stardom?

Chee! Chee! I don't know. I don't understand it. Seems a little feminine. It doesn't seem intimidating at all. Because I'm big. I'm bad.

You know it. Chee. Chee. Okay, you got me at Cheehe. You don't need to add the chi on there. I'm backing away from you. I think I heard the war cry there. Chee he.

Chee he. Look out. Say no more. That is clearly a telltale sign of violence and mayhem and power and kung fu and karate right there. I don't want to call it quits. Shee! Okay. Chee-he.

All right. I heard you. I'm leaving town. She! She-ch-ch-ch-che-he. All right, I'm leaving this continent. Gee. God.

How do we fall for that one? God. Anyways, poor Jacko's passed away. I don't know. Are we going to miss them? Are we going to miss his antics? His shopping sprees? I don't know.

Maybe it's better. Sometimes it's better when these pop icons and these stars fade away. younger versus fading away older you know I gotta say there's something to Jim Morrison dying a young vibrant good-looking sexy man

as opposed to watching Mick Jagger getting really wrinkly and still jumping around like a a blue heron with a bad back and he just looks awkward and it looks like he's going to hurt himself

and you're worried he's going to fall and in the middle of I can't get no satisfaction he's going to be, I've fallen and I can't get up. Ah! So maybe there's something to these youngans dying. And Jackson was probably

right at the threshold of dying young. Even though 50 kind of ain't that young, he's still not a senior citizen right he still kind of could pass off as 40 a young 40 year old girl um but yeah he's the type of guy you wouldn't want to see

necessarily as a senior citizen you know how your features start to sag and the wrinkles set in and your hair goes gray could you imagine that guy with that stringy hair going all gray and the the nose and the eyeliner and the cheeks. What would that guy look like as an old lady, an old man? Chee-he-he-he-h-h-h-h-chee.

Come here, your little whippersnapper. Back in the day, I could have cheered you all the way to Toledo, Ohio. Chee-he. Yeah. Pretty disgusting, right? So maybe it's kind of a blessing in disguise. His legacy, his image will forever be that man-girl thing that he became and not an old, like, weird, looking like a witch or a troll. or something, because he would not have aged well.

Trust me. I think we can all know that. And I'm not being mean. This is just reality here. So, there you go. Michael Jackson, rest in peace, little fella. Aw, little fella. Your music will live on.

And who knows, maybe your ghost will come and visit us here from time to time on the Harlan Harlan. highway or maybe better yet maybe your death is is a hoax maybe you so wanted to be left alone that you pulled an Elvis Presley or Jim Morrison you know all the people that say they're still alive and some people say Kirk Cobain is still alive he's got he's only got a fraction of his head left I guess there's a body and a jawbone hey Kurt yeah I can't really talk I only have a jaw bone man can we keep this short man

it's really hard to carry out a conversation when all I've got left for a head is my lower left jaw and I've got a toothache in that too I gotta be honest I think I need a root canal so so maybe Michael's still

alive maybe he will drop by maybe he's not dead he's weird enough if anyone's weird enough to pull that fake death hoax of a rock star it's right maybe wait a minute there's someone at my door right now what the hell who's this hold on someone's at the door hello come in hi oh god hi how are you what are you doing here man i just came to visit it's michael jackson everyone i don't know why he drops by my studio now and then to visit

I thought you were like over in Dubai or in North Korea. No, I'm right here. Why are you here? I just came to visit. Why? Because I think of you. What do you think of me as what? I think of you as special.

Oh, man. Come on, Jacko. It's special. Yeah, I'm special. Good. No, I'm trying to do a show here, okay? A special show? Well, I don't know. It's not really special. It's just a show. Well, it should be special. Okay, it's a special show.

Okay? Oh, that's special. Would you stop saying special? Good Lord. Have you been watching any TV lately? I don't know. Yeah, I've been watching a bit of TV. What have you been watching?

I don't know. I saw a documentary and I saw a nature show. What's it called when they do a show about a very specific topic? I don't know. it would be like a special show? Special. Oh, come on, man. You set it first.

You set me up for that. What, special show? Yeah, that's right, a special. I was watching a special, okay? A special. Out! Idiot. Good, he's gone.

Hopefully he's gone to special ed. We can get some special help. Lordy, Lordy, Lordy. Jacko. There he is. I don't know. Is he dead? Is he alive? Was that really him? I don't know. Either way, it's just kind of creepy, isn't it? Wow. And speaking of creepy and watching specials. Whoops. I mean, watching specials. I saw a show last night. It's a horrible show, man. But it's fascinating. It's called The Creature Within or the Enemy. from within. It's on the animal

planet. And by the way, I wish this planet was still ruled by animals. Us humans are just chewing this place alive, but that's another topic. This show was about parasites and how parasites get inside us and these worms live inside us and these creatures that look like scorpions

and dust mites and ticks and even dust mites and ticks are too big these parasites are like dwelling within our brains and our arteries and our lymph node systems and oh just creepy there was one story about a little baby that i guess the parents were letting the little little guy crawl around his one year old crawl around out on the lawn and i guess when they weren't looking the little kid ate a little chunk of raccoon poo because you know how the kids love the raccoon poo nowadays Billy eat your beans and carrots

no I want some raccoon poo you'll get down when you finish your peas and carrots I love my raccoon poo but you know kids put anything in their mouth so they don't know the difference between, you know, a fine Swiss milk chocolate and a chunk of raccoon turd. So this little kid when no one's looking,

I guess, chowed down on a chunk of coon poo. And lo and behold, the raccoon, I guess, is one of the few animals that carries in its fecal matter. A parasite, these parasite eggs that don't have, affect the raccoon, but thank you very much, are lethal to anything else that this thing gets inside of. So this kid ate the raccoon poo, and these eggs of this worm were just waiting to get inside a nice warm baby, and these eggs just sprung to life, and they start breeding and

multiplying, and suddenly these worms, and they do like the graphic animation, the reenactment animation, which is pretty realistic, and suddenly these worms are eating through the lining of his arteries, and they're going eating through his intestinal wall, they're eating through his stomach, they're eating into his brain, these little parasitic worms are having a field day, They're just like tunneling around in his brain like a glider drifting through a cloud. You ever see a glider, an engineless aircraft, and they just float through the sky and in and out of the clouds? That's what these worms were doing.

It was like Candyland. Who can make a brain rise? Cover it with worms. Dement a little baby. Make them retardant it. You know, it's just like the candy man can. and so this little baby eventually it lost its muscle coordination it couldn't stand up it was sleeping constantly it started to go blind these worms started to to eat through the optic nerves in the back of its eyes

and the parents were like what the hell's happened to our baby is this like a three mile island baby they couldn't they got every test in the world done and then thankfully some guys some doctor who specializes in parasites caught wind of the situation. And we're talking about, you know, we're talking about they had hours to spare. Like every hour this baby lived, it was dying. It was every hour it lived, it died. Kind of weird. It should be the name of my new album.

Every hour you live, you die by Harlan Thrax. Welcome to the jungle. Thank you very much. She did her side eye. Oh! But anyways, this doctor, it's a miracle, he figured it out, and they were able to treat the baby. But the poor baby, you know, suffered severe brain damage, lost most of its sight, still has trouble walking. And it's just so sad to see this beautiful, bouncy, healthy baby.

knocked on its ass by some raccoon poo and these worms that we can't even see unless we put them under a microscope. So my question to you is, do you have parasites? Do you have invaders within? And I'm not talking about losing your virginity girls, okay? That's a whole different kind of worm. I wouldn't want to see that under a microscope, although there's probably some guys out there that need.

a microscope hello look out um so i don't know if you're feeling a little drowsy or you're wobbling into walls or you're just out having a picnic and eating some raccoon or skunk poo make sure you get to the doctor and maybe before you get there down a bottle of scope or listern okay so don't need any roadkill as you're driving along here with me, Harlan Williams. Glad to have you on board as we truck on down the Harlan Highway. That looks delicious. Is that a chocolate truffle? No, that is a fine chunk of North American raccoon turd. Oh, it's delicious. May I have another? Yes, let me get the raccoon over here and see if he can squirt one out for you. Oh, lovely.

Oh, there we go. Mmm, delicious. Does it come with worms? Oh, believe me, they'll come. They will come. Hey, everybody. This is Harland Williams, and I know that at the end of the day, a long, hard day of working, some of you get what we call a migraine headache,

a painful migraine headache that numbs the senses and torment. meant you as if you were being attacked by a swarm of bees the utmost discomfort and pain and agony and it just lingers and won't go away so to help you get through your migraine please enjoy the next moment of me playing my brand new drum set Oh, that felt good. How's your migraine? Is it gone? Huh?

No, not yet. All right, here's some more. Oh, keep coming back. I'm going to beat the migraine right out of your head on the nice, soothing, Harland Highway. I know, I know. What a little brat, right? Yeah, well, maybe that's the way to do it. You just pound the pain out of your brain. Hey, that could be the name of my new album.

Pound the brain out of... I'm so excited. I can't even say it. Pound the pain out of your brain. Oh! Thank you, Cleveland! Okay, idiot. Maybe someone should just pound my brain. So anyways, do you drink water? Do you drink bottled water people?

You know, that liquid gold water? You spend what? Two bucks a bottle for a little bottle of water from the tip of the Alps or from the melted snow of the Himalayans or from a gurgling brook somewhere in Colorado, crystal clear, pure mountain water. Let me ask you this, if it's so pure, okay, outside of the so soot from the spent. uh jet fuel from all the planes flying up in the sky okay outside from from that drifting down and landing on the precious snow have none of you people heard about bigfoot the yety okay you know guess where they live these hairy unkempt creatures with their maddy hair and their lack of showering facilities they live up in the mountains people they roam around in the himalayans and

the Alps and in the deep woods of Colorado, and they pee all over your precious snow that melts down and gets put into bottles for you to drink. How's that Yeti piss tasting, folks? Huh? How's that crystal clear glass of a bonnable snowman urine sample going down? Huh? Was it yummy? All you purists out there?

Oh, I never drink tap water. Are you crazy? Do you know what's in tap water? I'm going to drink my Evian right here, man. Evian with a hint. I think there's a hint of lemon in there. I'm detecting some kind of exotic fruit scent in there. Yeah.

It's called Yety urine. Okay? Rime it, buddy. Yeti urine. This Perrier, what a delicious Perrier with lemon. Look at that. Who thought of this?

Well, how about a big hairy Neanderthal who probably sits in the boardroom and collects a royalty for pissing in your favorite drink? Yeah, they're probably in cahoots with the damn things. It's like, we don't know why people are buying this damn water. and it does taste a little different and wait a minute if that's our secret ingredient we got we got to uh we got be taking care of old yety we got to be slipping them some money maybe build them a little shack up in

the mountains there make sure that uh that good old yellow stuff that liquid gold keep uh getting into our snow so that we can uh we can flavor up our customers with that uh quote unquote hit of lemon water. Mm-hmm. Poor Yeti. How come he has so many names? Sausquash. How did you even know how to pronounce that?

How do you say it? It's like French or something. Oh, merci beaucoup, Sausquoise. Where is it? Sausquoise. I mean, man, Schu-la-blad,

I'm a sauce-squish. Sausquish? Sausquoise. Can anyone even spell it? S-A-S-Q-U-A-S-H? Sous-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-Sh? Is it a squash? Is it a type of vegetable? Yes, wait, could I get some of a south-squash with my chicken, please? Yes, sir. We'll be right back. Would you like it? Hairy or hairless? Let me try the hairy south-squash. Yes, sir. We'll be right back. Oh, and wait, huh? Yes.

You smell. Thank you, sir. I don't know why I added that. Why would I get so mean just doing fake voices? Why does one fake voice have to insult the other one? Out of nowhere, he says he smells. But anyways, getting back to South Squash, or South Cucumber, or whatever we want to call him. Maybe that's where he was originally.

first seen in a squash patch how's the squash picking coming this year fred well i think i saw kenny g wandering around in them this year squished quite a few of them so the harvest won't be quite as bountiful as it was last year that damn kennie g was up in my squashes too saw squash um but yeah bigfoot Okay, is that nice to call something Bigfoot? I mean, obviously it has big feet, but to just say, hey, Bigfoot. You know, I see a lot of fat people on the street and go, hey, fat ass. Yeah, you, fat as. Hey, big nose.

Hey, turkey neck. Hey, disco ball brace face. No. Maybe that's why South Squash. is so elusive. Maybe that's why he hides in the woods. Maybe that's why we've never seen him. The idiots that named him

gave him a name that gave him a severe complex about his looks. Oh my God, they're calling me Bigfoot, man. I can't... Oh, my God, this is traumatizing. Screw the humans. How dare they make fun of my big feet? I can't help.

but I was born with them. I live in the woods. I have to walk over snow and pine needles and clamshells and whatnot. I need my big feet, and they're just going to make fun of it. They're going to call me Bigfoot. What's next? What are they going to call me, Harry, Belafonte, because I'm hairy? It's so cruel.

You're never going to see me again, you asses. I'm just going to tease you with my footprints. Yeah, that's right. Every now and then, I'm going to leave footprints in the mud on the riverbank. You can see my big feet, my big footprints. But you're never going to see my big feet for real anymore. I was going to make wine for you, people. I was going to go to Francis Ford Coppola's winery

and apply for a summer job-crushing grapes with my great big giant feet. But screw you! Making fun of my big feet. Pastards! Yeah, that's what happened, right? That's how the science breaks it down. I'm glad I finally solved the mystery of the Bigfoot, man. And here's another mystery.

Why can't my friend Eddie? Poor Eddie. Why can't he find somebody to have a beer with? Poor Eddie. All he wants to do is have a drink. He wants to have a beer. with someone maybe you have a barbecue if he phoned you will you just

entertain the guy here on the Harland Highway I don't know poor Eddie before we go let's just check in and see how he's doing check in on his progress thanks for listening to the show folks great to have you along riding down the Harland Highway with me

Harland Williams we'll catch you next time and check your phone messages, see if Eddie's calling you for a nice frosty cold one. This is Eddie. He wants to party, but they just hang up. Hello? Hey, man, what's up? It's Eddie. Who's this? It's Eddie, man.

Who's Eddie? Do you want to go grab a couple of beers or what? Who's Eddie? From the pet shop, man. Eddie from the pet shop. Wrong number. Grab a couple of Budwisers and... What the hell?

That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Harland Williams.