The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 11

Episode Date: June 20, 2013

I am on vacation for a few weeks, so the perfect time to post some of the early shows that never made it into the archives!! Sweet donkey meat!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is Sophie Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Hey, hey, it's Harland Williams with you, and you are on the Harland Highway. Thank you, one and all, for dropping by. What a treat. What a treat. It's like Halloween. Trick or treat. The Harland Highway.

He just put a radio show on my pillow sack, Mommy. You pervert! Come on, it's just a radio show. There's nothing perverted about a radio show, is there? You know what's perverted is 1-800 numbers, and I don't mean the ones for the phone sex line. It's a perversion of phone number dumb or dom, phone number dom, when somebody uses a phone number and changes the numbers to letters. Like, you ever dial 1-800 flowers or 1-800 get groceries or 1-800-doggy wash or whatever.

It can be, it's applicable to anything. 1-800-Harland Highway, you know. Just don't do it. It's a perversion of numbers because guess what? It's called a phone number, not a phone letter, okay? If I'm dialing like 1,800 flowers, I don't have time to look down at my keypad and go, let's see, where's the A?

Okay, there's the F, okay. Where the hell's the, oh, oh, there it is. And then, let's see, the L and the M are on the same pad, so that's 6-6. Come on, man. What am I, a decryptor? Do I run around? decoding

Egyptian hieroglyphics? No. So I don't need to decode my own phone, thank you. What the hell is that 1-800 flowers? And what if I'm in my car or my truck and I'm on my phone illegally trying to break the law, try not to kill anyone,

and you throw like 1-800 flowers at me? By the way, probably going, what the hell is he doing, ordering flowers? You caught me, man. I'm a flower guy. I love the flowers. Give me your number. I'll send you some dandelions and some daffodils.

I just used as an example. All right. Every Mother's Day, I send my mother flowers, and I call 1,800 flowers. And on that day, I do take the time to figure out the button letter number combo platter. Okay? Because it's a special day for mom. Mama. Mama, I sent you some

Debt deals. I do hope you liked them. Well, thanks a lot. I spent 19 hours in labor stretching my loins open so you can come out and send me some goddamn lilypads that I'm allergic to, you little bastard. Go to your room and eat some pretzels. Huh? That ain't no punishment. Eating pretzels. Okay, I'll go to my room.

Where's the pretzels? I meant thumbtacks, little bastard. Get in there. Anyways. Don't give me a phone number that's letters. That's what I'm getting mad about here. It doesn't make sense. Okay?

I don't buy a plane ticket and then take a bus somewhere. Here you go, Mr. Williams. Your flight to New York leaves in five minutes. If you just walk down the platform and get on board, the Greyhound? Excuse me? A wonderful DC-12 Greyhound bus will be driving you to New York for the next four days. What? Nothing. Just get on your airplane. But there's a bus out there. Well, why don't you call 1-800-Delta and straighten it out? But those are letters, not numbers. We don't care. We do everything. Welcome to

crooked world. Welcome to crazy land. Everything's wrong and crazy here. Numbers or letters and airplanes or buses. And I'm not even a woman. I'm a man boy. And I want to throw my knapsack at your face. Huh? Okay. Well, why don't you ponder that? And in the meantime, why don't you take a listen to a commercial from one of our fake sponsors that doesn't even exist and doesn't really sponsor this show. Have a listen. Today, the United States is engaged in a gigantic effort to send men to the moon. For this effort, Pillsbury has developed many special foods. Here is the first one to be made available to the public, space food sticks. To meet the demands of a long spaceflight, space food sticks had to be a compact, nutritious, high-energy

food. That's why they make the perfect between-meal energy snack, energy for hard play, energy for hard work, lasting energy to feel alive. If that sounds better than some of the things your family fills up on between meals, you should try space food sticks for good nutrition and lasting energy in a chewy, tasty snack food. Chocolate, caramel, and peanut butter, about 44 calories, at your grocers next to the instant breakfast section. Space food sticks, the energy snack from U.S. Aerospace Research and Pillsbury. Hmm, space food snacks.

Yummy. I hear we're thinking of going back to the moon. All of a sudden, I've been hearing a lot of lunar activity. I'm not talking about werewolves and, you know, people running around in my yard with lots of hair on their bodies. I'm not talking about an Armenian Bocciball league in my yard. I'm talking about wanting to go back to the moon. Apparently like China and Russia and Japan.

Suddenly there's a big flurry to get back to the moon. I mean, what did we miss when we were there? What was it 30, 40 years ago or something? I think it was 63 or something like that. We went to the moon. this is one small step for man one giant leap for mankind oh my god i stepped in some dog dirt

oh my god imagine that first first step onto the moon right into a pile of dog crap what the hell oh Dallas we got a problem yeah go ahead uh what's going on over yeah i got

some cocker spaniel crap all over my moon boot that would have been something else huh just a big loaf of cock or spaniel poo just happen to land right over it the ladder from the Apollo right down to the surface of the moon and right there just happens to be a puppy loaf um but What are they going back up there for? Someone told me that there's some kind of mineral or some raw natural material that can produce more energy than any battery we've ever conceived of. And then someone's talking about getting water up there and all that stuff.

I don't know, man. Are we at a place in time where we want to be drinking moon water? That'd be nice, right? You put in a hard game of tennis and sit down and drink some moon water and just float home. Bill, your car's in the parking lot. Yeah, that's okay. This is much more relaxing, man. I'm just floating on home in my moon water, man.

This stuff is zero gravity moon water. Oh, man. I just feel so lightheaded, man. Watch out for that power pole, Bill. What is it? It's coming right up. Oh, that's a... Pff...

Yeah, moon water. But I like it, man. People are always like, oh, what are we spending money going to the moon for? What are we going to outer space for? What's the point? What's the purpose?

Why don't we put the money towards homeless people and building bridges in Madison County and inventing new ways to barbecue? Well, tell you what, you dorkasauruses. If we don't start reaching out and expanding and moving some of the billions of human beings that are overconsuming this planet, what do you think is going to happen to us? You ever have mice as a kid?

You ever have a little mouse cage or a mouse tank? And you start off with two little white mice. You're like, oh, so cute. So cute. Give them some cheese. And then all of a sudden, the mice have sex, and then there's six mice in there. And you're like, oh, so cute baby mice. Give them some baby cheese.

And then all those mice get it on. And before you know it, you got like 12 mice. And you're out playing, and you're playing hide and seek and spin the bottle and Nikki Nindor. And you keep forgetting to change the mouse cage. and it starts to get dirtier and smellier and damper and just starting to rot and the mice are starting to stink and their whole little world is going to hell well guess what folks we're at six and a half billion human beings right now okay so you do the math how many of us are they're going to be in 10 years you want to say

nine billion and then maybe 18 years from now you want to want to say 24 billion and so on and so on i think you get my point so where are we going to go to get our food our fuel our natural resources our lumber i mean look at the look at the fish in the sea right now okay fish stocks are being depleted majorly and that's just going to ripple on through the whole human race the whole ecosystem and so for those of you that are like

why don't we put our money into saving the children and can't we put some money into cleaning up the hookers off of Times Square let's rehabilitate them that'll take billions

no there's always going to be hookers I'm sorry you know life is full of all kinds of little bad things but at some point you got to look at the overall picture for the human race there won't even be a world for prostitutes and homeless people and bridges and government pet projects to exist in if we don't manage the planet first so yeah we got to expand our horizons we got to pick up some new real estate player and we got to go out there, man. And we better start.

We listen to me getting all authoritative. We better start, like, colonizing other planets, okay? Like, we better. Hello? Because, yeah, this is a mouse cage, and we are making it dirty. We're overpopulated, and we're running out of food. so we better find new places to ruin

that's so sad I'm joking about it but it's totally true I think the only other mammals that really alter the environment are beavers beavers are the only ones that know how to actually build something and change their geographical environment

they build a dam and they can flood miles and miles and miles and miles and destroy trees and kill anything growing because the water obviously backs up and drowns everything but maybe us and the beavers it's time for us to go to space

beavers in space space space space here we are on planet Mars captain well I hope there's some trees I can chew it doesn't look like it's her well let's go back to Earth eat some fish Oh boy Take care of your planet folks Take care of the Harlot Highway

Space The final frontier These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise Her five-year mission to Seek out new life And boldly go and old man has gone before to find fresh new...

Hey, hey, what are you doing, Kirk? I'm just doing my captain's log. No, no. Who let you in here? I believe Mr. Spock let me in. Gun on the elevator went to the bridge. Okay, there's no bridge. There's no Mr. Spock.

Yes, there is. Mr. Spock is my science commander. Okay, Kirk, wow, you've been coming in here, you sit in my chair, when I go to the bathroom, you keep sneaking in here, Kirk. Captain James D. Kirk, commander of the USS Starship Enterprise, her five-year mission. Okay, I know the drill. To seek out new life. I know the drill. To boldly go where no man has gone the phone.

Cut it out! Now, what are you doing in here? This is my radio show. I go out to take a pee break. I come back and you're sitting in my chair and you think you're driving a spaceship? Is that it? Captain's Law started.

5.7, 2, 3, 5.6. Stop it? Just stop it. it. Three, nine, seven, two, one. Stop the captain's log. Six, five, four, three, two, nine. Cut it out.

The Klingon has surrounded the ship. I must call Starship Command and get Scotty. Get out of here. I can't leave the bridge of my own Starship. You're going to leave my radio show right now. I cannot be ordered out of my own Starship unless Starfish. unless Starfleak command actually tells me to get out of my starship. I'm telling you to get out of my seat.

Get out of here. Take your little tight pants and your little black boots and beam yourself out of here. Scotty, beam me down. There is no, Scotty. Get out. Keep going out the door. Close it. Close it.

Thank you. Unbelievable. This guy's delusional, man. But what isn't here on the Harland Highway? God, Kirk. Captain Kirk is insane. Why is he picking on me? Out of all the radio podcasts and radio shows across the planet,

how did he beam into my spot? Unbelievable. Guys, a little, it's like a little thorn in my side, that guy. I never know when he's going to pop in. I never, I come back from a lunch break or something. There he is in my chair. Playing with all the buttons and the dials and touching my computer. And it's just creepy.

You know what else is creepy? Can I ask you people? And, you know, I'm not totally naive. I think I know the answer somewhat, but maybe I don't. I'm going to ask you, what the hell are we doing in Afghanistan? Honestly, what are they fighting for over there? What is the point? The Russians did it back in, I think it was the 80s,

just shooting and destroying people in Clay Hots and shooting into the side of Mets. mountains and I mean it's like a wasteland over there to begin with and you just keep leveling it and shooting at it and then the Russians get out of there the Russians were doing okay and then the Americans decided to supply the the al-Qaeda rebels the Afghani rebels guerrillas with American weapons and that kind of turned the tide of the Afghan war between the Russians the Russians had superior uh they had the only air power really they had those helicopters and their jets they had their tanks and the Afghans are pretty much using just their rifles on everything and then

lo and behold the Americans sneak them uh rocket launchers and anti-tank weapons and it kind of turned the war and it makes you wonder you know when you hear about our boys in Iraq, and then you go, oh, well, I ran supplying Iraq with weapons, and Iran sneaking in weapons to the rebels, and, you know, you get really pissed off at Iran, and then you go, hello, wait a minute, I guess we've done that in the past.

That's why war is so stupid. It's like, what is everyone fighting for, man? Just go to the mall. Go to the food court and play some backgammon and get some egg rolls and a, you know, a lettuce wrap or something. Just chill out, people. There's enough jobs and money and things to do in life. Do we have to be running around with guns and weapons and playing soldier and being mean to people? Okay, so I think we're at war in Afghanistan.

one is probably the poppy trade. Okay, someone's either trying to stop the poppy trade or someone's trying to control the poppy trade so they can make the millions and billions of dollars off it that it gets. Or we're over there trying to liberate the Afghan people and help them rise up under the oppression of the Taliban and the religious zealots and the leaders

that want to keep women wrapped up in burqas like piggy's in a blanket. God, have you seen the... They wrap the women up in burqas and can just see their eyes? How do you marry someone? How do you date? How do you date and marry someone

based on just seeing their eyes? Mother, father. getting married to Shahila. Oh, is she a nice girl? Oh, she's got wonderful corneas. I love her cornea so much. All I do is stare into her corneas all day. And her irises are delectable.

And her tear ducks are to die for. And just the rest of her eye, the lashes, the eyebrows, the little pupils. Oh, just the almond shape of her eyes? How could I not be in love and want to marry this woman? The hottest eye is ever. And how much does she weigh, my boy? I think, I don't know.

She wears a gray burqa, she looks like elephant, but she's got wonderful elephant eyes. Okay, you have our approval. Thank you. I mean, it's just, what the hell? if for no other reason to be at war it's to liberate the women over there and the children let the women wear what the hell they want

let the children go to school and okay I guess at the end of the day we're fighting for a culture's freedom which I guess is a good thing but it just I don't know man it just seems to be going on and on and on and Russia got done with it and then we're going to get done with it,

and then maybe China's going to go in there and have a go. Oh, we don't want to be left behind. Everybody else, take a part shot at good old Afghanistan. We want to go in and have fun. We want to blow up the clay house. We want to blow up the side of a mountain, just like Russia and United Straits of America. We are our turn.

What they're all about? why you have all the fun enough grader strand i don't know it's just bizarre to me and maybe it's stems from the people maybe you know do do do we just let the people be what they want to be and do what they want to do i don't think so man i think when people are being oppressed and when when women are being raped and shot and children are deprived of an education and people are forced to follow the rules of a religion that they've twisted into their own crazy, violent ways. Yeah, maybe we do got to be there, but it's just, I wish we didn't, you know?

It's confusing and it seems so unnecessary. People dying on all sides. Maybe I was right with my first notion. Can we just build them a nice mall? I bet they don't have that. There's no clay malls over there. Just build them like a nice, modern, American-style mall with a Starbucks and a food court and a Victoria's Secret

and Tower Records and Toys R Us and all the crazy crap that we've already been brainwashed with. Give them a cheesecake factory. That'll settle them down. What happened to the war? Are you crazy? They're having a shrimp special at the cheesecake factory. A shrimp special, everybody, let's go.

Come on, man. Maybe they just need something like that to chill them out. We can't be throwing the bombs around. We don't want to blow up the cheesecake factory. My father was a general in the army. Now he's general manager at the cheesecake factory. We must be very careful now. We don't want to disturb the cheese or the cake.

I don't know. It's a mess. I wish I had the answers. Maybe you have the answers. Maybe you can write me. And keep it short. Don't write me a novel. Keep it down to like maybe a paragraph or a couple of sentences.

Why don't you write me at a whole? harland williams.com and tell me why you think we're at war in afghanistan and i'll read if i like your answer i'll read it on the air and don't try to tailor your answer to think oh i hope harlan likes this one no i like answers that are negative positive i like real answers and you can even try and make it funny if you want because we like funny on the harland highway so give it a try shoot me an email on why you think we're at war in Afghanistan. Put your name on it if you want me to read it. Read your name.

And we'll talk about it some more. Because human beings are crazy. We just got to settle down. Stop the shooting. Oh, man, I've done it. I've done it. What an idiot. You ever be that guy, you know, the guy, someone makes a dare around the office.

Someone challenges you to do something stupid And you got to be the man and you step up You know, like they Ooh, I dare you to eat a whole plate of raw sushi And you go ahead and do it Well, we had kind of a celebrity wandering around the building The studios here And the guys dared me

We had Donald Duck here I guess he was doing some promotion for something The guys at the office challenged me To challenge him To a game of Russian roulette So I got Donald Duck here with me in studio. Hey Donald, how are you? Hello.

Feeling okay? Okay, Walt, you're ready to do this? Wow! Okay, well, why don't you go first? All right, ready? Mao! Mao! Mao! Mao!

Mao! Okay, okay, my turn. Give me the gun. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Ah, okay, back to you, Donald. Mao, Mao, Mao, Mao, wow. Okay, take it easy. Back to me.

This is very deer-hunterish. All right, ready? Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Back to you, Donald. Wow, you said, Hey, take it easy. Bye, very? All right, ready?

Mao. Bow, bow, bow. Oh, oh. Well, I guess, by Donald. I want that little dare. Yeah, I'm the man. Bring it on. Bring it on.

I'll take on any dare I just won Russian roulette against Donald Doc yes yes Harland Williams