The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 13

Episode Date: June 27, 2013

I am on vacation for a few weeks, so the perfect time to post some of the early shows that never made it into the archives!! Sweet donkey crease!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is Jackie Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Hey, hey, hey, everybody, Harlan Williams here at Harlan Williams. Wow. The Harland Highway. And listen, I hear something funky in the background. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't believe I'm back. I can't believe I've been invited back.

I can't believe it's not butter. What the hell, dude? How are you? Tom Green, everybody. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, everybody, how you doing? Nice to be back. Thanks for inviting me back. Harland. Oh, dude, you're always welcome on the

Harland Highway. Yeah. Have you ever used, I can't believe it's not butter? I have actually had a up-close and impersonal demonstration by Fabio. What? In his kitchen. What happened? I was invited,

on my old show, he had 75, and I'm not exaggerating, 75 motorcycles, motocross bikes in his kitchen. Let me guess. carved out of butter? No, no, really. In his kitchen, he kept them in the kitchen. In an area about the size of this room that we're in, just stacked back on top of each other. Seventy-five. What was in his garage? His garage, he had a couple of cars in there. He didn't have room for the 75 motorcycles. And he just took him out of storage there were here. And we walked to the kitchen, we walked past the 75 bikes. He opened the fridge, and then there was the, I can't believe it's not butter. Stacked. It was like Anna Nicole's fridge full of Slim Fast, you know?

on yeah he really used it uh he i don't know if i think he did i don't know if it was there because we were showing up i don't know but he spread it on some it tastes pretty good well there he is tom green my buddy my little canadian buddy uh tom is uh is such a good guy me and him hang out a lot we've become good friends over the years here in l a we actually uh play hockey i got tom on my hockey league and we drive out to the hockey rink once a week together, and we were the Canadian line on our team. We're actually pretty good. We usually got one or two goals a game together.

We work pretty well, and Tom has his amazing web show, WebOvision, as he calls it, on his website, Tomgreen.com. I think his shows called Tom Green's House. And if you happen to go online or on YouTube, type in a set. segment called uh raspberry eyes that's right i said it raspberry eyes harland williams tom green raspberry eyes i'll leave it at that it is ridiculous if you want to see me kind of lose it i usually you know as an actor and uh someone who has to kind of keep their composure during interviews and you know shooting film and TV, you know, it's never good to crack up.

And if you want to watch his interview I did with Tom on his Web of Vision show, I did a little thing called Raspberry Eyes. And if you want to see me just lose control, I laugh just thinking about it, man. It was so much fun. And what's even funnier, Tom lost control. He never loses control. We both just busted up on his show. You can see it there on YouTube.

Harlan Williams, raspberry eyes. Type that in. And let's see if it makes you laugh, too. It is ridiculous. But Tom's a great guy. Always doing something. Kind of a pioneer when it comes to comedy. He's kind of guy that kicked off the whole jackass era.

Even though Johnny Knoxville and the boys sometimes. get credit. Tom was the guy who really launched all that madness. And how funny he went and hung out with Fabio. What happened to that guy? I can't believe it's not balder. I mean, would that guy ever make a good scientist? If he's like completely mesmerized by the marvels of butter, if he can't believe it's butter, what's that guy going to do when he unearths like a teradacto skeleton?

or a brocchiosaurus in the plains of China. He'll probably have a stroke that guy, you know? If butter freaks him out, I can't believe it's not bother. Oh my God, how could that not be bother? Well, isn't just butter, butter and everything else in the world isn't butter? Like, couldn't you walk into a wall and go, bong? Oh, I can't believe that's not bother.

Right? Couldn't you, like, swallow an elephant? I can't believe that's not badder. What do you mean that's an elephant? It's not barter? Okay, because I can't believe it's not barter. Unreal, this guy, everything must taste like butter to him. And he's got that buttery hair, and he wears that buttery tanning oil.

You know he puts on that rub on tanning lotion. And Fabio, what kind of name is that, man? I don't know. It sounds like something Billy Mays, that guy that just died, would endorse. Hi, Billy Mays here with the Fabio super absorbent washcloth. Just put it on your face and it'll suck the meat right off your face. No more looking for pimples.

no more dirty pores, you'll just have straight, white, clean, bone. The new Fabio face-sucking washcloth. Yeah, you know what I mean? Fabio. That's like naming your kid. Hi, I like, who's your child? Oh, that's marvelous. Excuse me?

That's my child, marvelous. Marvelous. Yes, and this is my daughter. Superb. Okay. And this is my fat boy, super-cali-fragilistic, expialidocious even. Who names their kid Fabio? Sounds like a dish detergent.

Fabio, you can see your own reflection in your dishes. Ding! Crystal clear every time. With Fabio. God. I can't believe his parents gave him that name they're going to call him ridiculous names why don't they just call him butter

every time the kid screwed up or broke a dish or got lost the parents could just go oh I can't believe it's not bother can you believe bottle got lost I can't believe it's not bother he sounds like Arnold Schwer Mortsnaker. Imagine those two at a margarine party? Oh, Arnold, put the imperial margarine all over my back and oil me up.

I can't believe it's not bother. Yeah, me neither. Put some more on my lower thighs. Oh, I can't believe it's not bother. I can't believe I'm getting an erection. Okay, this has gone a little too freaky. Maybe I need some therapy. Yeah, that's what I need. I need some therapy.

So let's check in with my very own therapist, who I don't really like that much. Let's go see how I fare with good old Dr. Ascot. Hey, hey, hey, it's Friday on the Harland Highway, and it's time for Dr. Ascott. Excuse me? Shhh, Arland. What do you mean, shush? Arland's silence is golden. Shsh, would you stop that?

I thought we had our therapy session today. Shhh! What do you mean, sh? Arland, I want you to be very quiet so you can hear your soul within. Oh, brother, I'm... Shh! No, I'm not gonna... I don't want to hear my soul from...

I said I don't want to hear my soul from within. And I said... You just want me to be quiet? I'm asking you, do you want me to be quiet? Holland, shut your gobhole. My wife... Did you just say... Shut your gobhole, Holland.

Okay, fine. I'm shutting my... I'm doing my... My therapy. Shut your gobhole, Arland. Well, then can you do my call letters for me? This is Dr. Ascot on the Holland Highway. Shhh! Ah, yes, doctors, doctor's doctor...

Okay, we're out of that bit. Now, Sh! Holland. Okay, we're out of that bit. Sh, Holland. We're out of that bit now. Okay, we're moving on. Okay, Arland.

But I'll get you next time. Sh to you. But going to the doctor, man. Have you been lately? Do you go? What's freaking me out is, you know, people have these heart attacks. You know, people just die. They seem healthy.

You can be an athlete. you can be a bus driver you can be a school teacher and just boom you just drop like a sack of rotten radishes it's probably a scary way to go but the thing is a lot of people are getting versed in um you know bringing people back a lot of people are uh figuring out the cpr and they're figuring uh figuring out how to like pound on somebody's chest and what's interesting is this new thing going on now is what they tell you to do is they tell you to sing um a b g song staying alive during the pumping of the chest not because you really want that person to stay alive it's not like you're willing them back with the positive words of the bg's you know but apparently the beat

the beat of that song is the perfect beat to pumping your fists up and down or applying pressure on a heart attack victim's chest. How about that, man? You start going into the afterlife and you're floating up towards the white light. God's just about to reach out and grab your hand and all of a sudden you hear disco music. And there's the Bee Gees pulling you back to the real world. Wait a minute.

There's God. Oh, my God. It's beautiful. Heaven. But no way, I'm being sucked back by the Bee Gees. What the hell's going on, you Australian bearded bastard? No, no, disco sucks. No!

Not like going to hell? God. And then they say if that doesn't work. Okay. Yeah, thanks for shutting off the Beegis. Thank you. I almost touched the face of an angel there. Thanks.

They say that if the Bejys don't. work take it down a notch and good old freddie mercury and queen will help bring you back to the terrestrial plane if you start singing the song another one bites the dust which isn't the most encouraging song if you listen to the lyrics to come back from the great beyond somebody's hovering over you, pounding on your chest, singing another one bites the dust. But apparently that's another song that's got the perfect rhythm, the perfect amount of beats to bring you back. And do you really want to come back to Freddie Mercury? Imagine that. You're out. You're just floating away and all of a sudden you suck back into your body

and your eyes slowly flutter open. As they come into focus, you see this, This figure, this body, kneeling on your chest. And his things slowly come into picture-perfect focus. You see a big black mustache and a giant overbite. And it's Freddie Mercury. Yellow. Put me out. I got to go.

And should we have something? Shut up, Mercury. God. just the idea of that guy with his shirt off and his black chaps and those teeth just hovering over my face he he wasn't doing well with the chest pumping so he's just coming in for some mouth to mouth and my eyes pop open hey whoa i'm alive mercury hello hold on there fella I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride my bike.

But shouldn't we have something a little softer, a little more gentler, to lure us back into the real world? A nice soft love song maybe, huh? Something romantic and something that makes us want to come back. Maybe something like this. Learn of love and ABC. Come back. Come back, you're going to live! Come back!

Come back! Come back! Come back! Here you're going to live! Live! You're going to live! I'm pumping! I'm pumping! Come back!

Please come back! Here he comes. Here he comes. Keep coming back. It's a miracle. How do you feel? How do you feel, darling? Okay, all right, forget it. The soft, the soft to me, it ain't working.

Cut, cut, cut, this is depressing. Stop it, stop it. Okay, I was wrong. I was wrong with the soft romantic. You know, maybe we need to get away from disco, maybe we need to get away from Queen, the glam rock stuff. Maybe we've got to get away from the love songs. Why don't we get into something that's just pure raw energy that really brings us back to life, okay?

Isn't that what we should be doing, just sending an electric charge to our system? Like, should we be using, like, just raw rock and roll to pop us back from the grave? Yeah, how about something with actually not only a beat and a rhythm, but a count? Something where you can actually count while you're pumping your, your, you're, dying buddy's chest how about some kick ass coming back from the grave zombie sucking

you're going to live for an extra 300 years slip knot baby let the bodies hit the floor let the bodies hit the floor here we go come on you're coming back yeah

freeze freeze freeze free here yeah yeah open your eyes

I'm cussing away here we go here we go here we go yeah feel the bass baby feel the bass

check those drums out yeah yeah cut that beat gone Got that rhythm. Count it down. Three, nothing wrong with me. Four.

Nothing wrong with me. One, something's got to give. Two. Three. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just that rival screen.

Oh, let the world know you're alive. Baby, let them hear it. Come on. live oh yeah man that's the energy right there that's that's going to bring you back okay so if anyone you know has a heart attack or a stroke or is down on their ass and there's no fibrillators around or refibrillators or defibrillators or tribbles or muppets or anything yeah that's right rub some Muppets together and create some static electricity and stick the Muppets on someone's chest and zap them to life.

You got Grover and Oscar the Grouch. Just rub them together. Woo. Oh, Oh, wow. Wow. Blf,

can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? But you should be glad you'll be alive after that. after getting slip-knotted. And then whenever anybody just asks you how you are, you just do that primal scream. Hey man, I heard you had a heart attack. How are you feeling these days? What was that?

Okay, I'm not sure I'm following here. Are you back to normal health or not? You've changed since being almost dead. I don't know you anymore. Who are you? Ah! I want my mommy. I want my mommy. Devil beast.

Devil beast. I wish you had died. Yeah, man. Nothing like some good old rock and roll to get your heart thumping, right? Well, I hope you never have a heart attack. or just drop dead. And if you do, have you thought about what you leave behind? And I'm not talking about your will or your money.

You know what I'm talking about, ladies, right? That dirty vibrator in your bottom drawer. Guys, that stack of hustler magazines. Right? Hidden up in your closet. Maybe some naughty pictures on your computer. downloads from the internet. Ladies, maybe a big black dildo somewhere

hidden behind a secret panel in the wall. Maybe some nasty love letters. Some compromising photos. Some sex videos. Some bastard children. Some illegitimate wives. Some dirty dishes in the dishwasher. God forbid.

I guess everybody's going to leave something behind, right? Maybe not. I hope they do, man. I'd be disappointed if people in my family didn't leave some naughty little secrets behind. Everybody lives this puritanical existence and this holier-than-thou existence. Come on, we're all humans. We all have fantasies and desires and daydreams. Do we need to be ashamed of them?

Am I any different from you? Are you any different from the next person? Oh, is Paris Hilton the only one that's ever conceived of a sex video? Is Pamela Anderson the only one who's ever shot a sex video? How many of you have shot a sex video? Or let me pose the next question. And how many of you cowards have wanted to shoot a sex video, but you just don't have the to do it?

Did you ever think maybe it could be stimulating and fun and it doesn't have to be dirty and perverted? It's between you and another person you're intimate with. Okay, maybe it's not your thing. But how many of you look me right in the eye, I look right into your iPod or your whatever you're listening to this on, your wall speakers, your elevator speaker. Look me right in the speaker, people,

and tell me that you've never done anything naughty. Tell me that when you unexpectedly die, there's not going to be a little hidden treasure somewhere. Huh? And if there isn't, what's that say about you, or you maybe living a boring life? Do you think maybe you should have something? Did you never see the bridges of Madison County or the notebook?

How about the diaries that Merrill Streep kept? The torrid lust-filled diaries that Merrill Streep kept, her in Clean Eastwood were having a thing in a covered bridge. How many of you when you die are your relatives going to be? going to find out you've been doing the doggie style under a covered bridge. Shame on you. I guess that's considered protected sex, though. At least you're protected from lightning and rain because you're under a covered bridge.

Better than doing it right out on an open bridge. Like, I don't want to be going to San Francisco and going over the Gold Gate Bridge and seeing you and your partner doing cunolingus and copulation and missionary position. I left my heart in San Francisco, not my virginity, okay? But think of it, you holy little angels. Think about it. What do you leave them behind? I don't know.

Look in your rearview mirror. See what's there. Or turn ahead, turn around, and look forward as you drive down the Harland Highway and think about maybe what you do want to do to cause a little trouble, have a little fun, be a little risque. Hmm, interesting thought. Here on the Harland Highway with me, Dr. Fitt, Harlan Williams.

Okay, so are you searching for a new sexual experience? I'm sure some of you are. Things getting a little boring in the old bedroom. Here's one that I came up with. It's called bubble wrap sex. And what you do is the two of you get some packaging tape. Cover yourselves in bubble wrap. Use the tape to secure the bubble wrap to your bodies.

Make sure you leave, you know, a little eye hole and a nose hole and a mouth hole so you can breathe. And once you're both sufficiently completely wrapped in bubble wrap, You simply lay down on top of each other. By the way, you might have to cut two other holes a little further down. But then you lay on top of each other and just start going. You know what to do. Oh, listen to that noise. Listen to it.

It's like fireworks going off. Firecrackers. You're like a bowl of rice Krispies and you've just added the milk, man. Listen to that. Oh, yeah. It's just, listen to that, getting louder and faster and louder and faster and louder and faster. And then here comes the final big pop. Oh, yeah, bubble wrap sacks.

And the best part is you're wrapped in plastic, so there's no gooey mess. A poppity pop, pop, pop pop, pop pop pop, a poppipop a poppity pop. Yeah. It's Harlan Williams. Yes, it is Harlan Williams. I will not dispute that, that claim. So anyways, yeah, bubble wrap sex, you know, try it. It's clean, it's sanitary.

You don't need to wear protection, obviously. No condoms, because you're already wrapped in plastic. And the fun thing is when you're done, if you want to mail yourself anyway, or FedEx yourself to your next girlfriend or boyfriend, you know, you're finished having your fling with this one and you want to FedEx yourself over to another state. You're already set for packaging and shipping. You're all wrapped up.

Your new lover, wherever he or she may be, just opens the box and pulls you out. You're ready to go. Bubblewrap sex. You know, if you have the... the guts, you can always write me at Harlan Williams.com and tell me about some of your naughtiness. And I don't mean I want to start an illicit internet affair. What I mean is if you have a secret thing that you hide or you have a naughty little secret you want to share that I can

read on the air, I don't want to start an internet love affair with you, okay? guys or girls or anybody. That's not what I mean. But I do always like provocative mail topics, things we can discuss. So if you feel comfortable enough, if you have the Kazones to open up a little and write me an email that I can read on the Harlan Highway here that describes maybe something you might leave behind when you die or some kind of weird. fetish or experience that you've always wanted but you've never had or maybe it is one you have had i don't want anything too graphic i don't need to hear that you like to uh you know put a rhinoceros horn in some gross place but if you have legitimate things little fantasies things

that you you act out and you want to share them with our listeners it'll be fun to read i don't want to be grossed out but uh you know You know, keep it civil and fun, and we'll throw it around on the air. It's always fun to hear the secrets of people, the things they do behind closed doors. Isn't it? I think so. And whatever you do behind closed doors, don't do it too hard because you don't have a heart attack. But if you do have a heart attack, you know what to do.

Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the... Right on, right on. I want to thank my guests today, Tom Green, for dropping by the Harlem Highway. And most of all, I want to thank you, people.

I want to thank you for tuning in, listening. emailing and just being all around good human beings to each other take it easy enjoy the bubble wrap until next time i'm harle williams and you're listening to the harlan highway Go!