The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 14

Episode Date: July 1, 2013

Still on vacation gang, but I promise, these lost shows are every bit as succulent as the current ones. Will be back in studio with fresh shows soon!! Enjoying my vacay!! Harland~ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. To the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is Donkey Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Hey, everybody, it's Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway with you. Hello. Holy smokes, folks. Holy smokes! I got a call from a young kid, an 11-year-old kid who asked me to play a classic bit that I did here on the show. You know the bit. Have you checked the children?

Yeah. and I don't normally take requests at all because, you know, I just don't have time. I have too many new bits to get to for you, folks. I'm trying to keep you up to date, entertained. But this young kid called and reminded me of the scene in the Grinch that stole Christmas where he's, you know, pilfering the house,

stealing all the Christmas acriments, and that cute little kid came out and just looked at him in the eye and said, what are you doing, mister? And the Grinch didn't know what to do. Not that I'm the Grinch. But just this kid sounded so cute, it reminded me of that. Next message. Hi, my name, James.

I just want, I listen to you show every day, and I just wondered if you would say, if you would do the chicken pop, have you checked the chicken pop pie thing again. I'm 11 years old Okay Bye End his message

And we're going to play the bit for you Hang on phone's ringing Let me get this Hello Have you checked the children I don't have kids Who is this

I'm in the basement Get out of the house I don't have a basement dude okay i live in an apartment oh um i'm i'm behind the couch get out of the house uh nice try dude i'm standing right by my couch there's no one behind the couch have you checked the children is this that idiot from one a stranger calls uh no no it's uh no it's not Have you checked the children? I don't have kids.

Well, what do you have? What do you want? I got leftovers in my fridge. I got a chicken pop pie. You want that? Have you checked the chicken pop pie? Oh, my God. Have you checked the chicken pie?

Have you checked the chicken pie? Get off the line. Have you checked the chicken pop pie? Get out of here. I'm calling the police. Oh, don't do that. Call in the police, dude. No, don't.

I'm hanging up. Yeah, you better hang up. I can't hang up. Oh, my God, I can't hang up. Oh, my God, oh, my God. Have you checked the chicken pot pie? Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Yes, indeed.

Welcome to the Chicken Pot pie. I mean, the Harlan Highway. Have you checked your chicken pop pie? What a cute kid. Wasn't that a darling little kid? God, sometimes kids can just be irresistible. Do you have kids? I heard someone say the other day.

I think it was Bill Maher on his show. Talking about how kids are overrated. It's like everybody wants kids. Oh, I want a kid. I want a kid. Oh, and then just turns into a living nightmare. I don't know. I'm on the fence, man. I always wanted kids my whole life.

I haven't had any yet. I'm not close to the idea. As you get a little older, it seems like it might be a little bit harder. But then when you're younger, it seems like it's hard too. And then when you're younger, younger, it seems really hard. And then when you're older, older, it seems suicidal. all. So I don't know. If I had a kid come along, I wouldn't say no to it. I wouldn't be like, hey, kid, hello, kid, hello, hey, hey. I know you're in there, kid, but don't even think about

coming out, okay? I'm standing here with a cricket bat and a Rottweiler, and you even peek your head out of there. and it ain't going to be pretty, okay? So just stay in there. I don't care if you live to be 112. Your home is in that womb, okay? But you know what I do have? I kind of have a kid, and this is an odd kid. A very odd kid, but I have a gopher.

I know you don't believe me. You're laughing. Like, oh, yeah, he's got a gopher. I have a pet gopher. And I'm not even joking. I have a pet gopher. And I live in California, and here they're called, there's a species of gopher.

They're smaller. They're kind of similar to the ones that Bill Murray chased down in Caddyshack, the ones that drove them insane. I grew up in Canada where gophers were like big. They were like raccoons. They were like badgers. They did tunnels like, like, you know, the size of a basketball in diameter. But the gophers here in sunny L.A., they're called pocket gophers.

And if you don't believe me, go look it up on Yahoo or YouTube or your sister's face. I don't care. And they're small little gophers, but man, do they do a lot of damage? You should see these things. Okay, let me describe one to you. It's somewhere between the size of a gerbil and a rat. Okay? They're kind of in the middle.

and they've got flat little ears. Their ears don't protrude from their heads because they live underground 99% of the time. So they got these little ears that are tucked right against their head. They got little beady black eyes. They got big whiskers. I think because they live in the dark, they got these big, like, hanging whiskers.

They look like walrus whiskers. And I guess they feel around in their tunnels. and then they got these big giant teeth. I'm not kidding. They look like beaver teeth. It literally looks like giant beaver teeth on the front of a cute little mouse. It's kind of gross and they're big and yellow. And then the rest of them's pretty cute, but his front claws

because these guys are diggers. That's all they do. They dig, dig, dig, dig all day long. They've got these really long fingernails. really like thin, long, like Freddie Kruger style, almost more like in X-Men 2. Remember when Wolverine had to fight that Chinese girl?

Remember that Korean girl that used to spin around and she grew like these spikes out of her fingers? Either that or she's just PMSing really bad and she wasn't an ex-person at all. She was just, you know, on the rag, Pronto style. Well, these gophers have these really, long fingernails. Let's say if you or I grew one of the nails,

it would probably be about seven inches long. That's how proportionate these look on these pocket gophers. And God forbid you ever get one in your pocket. Believe me. It would be for the women, because these things loved a tunnel, it would not be pretty. And for the man,

because these things have these giant, beaver teeth it would not be pretty but here's what happened i got these damn pocket gophers which i hate by the way they get in my lawn and these things once they're in your lawn it's it's like watching a teenager break out with acne okay imagine a nice smooth face on a teenager and one day they eat a bucket of large fries from burger king and the next morning there's just big purple zits and pock marks all over their beautiful skin. That's what these pocket gophers do. They find your lawn.

They invade it. They perpetrate it and they just tunnel underneath it and they pop up whenever they want to. And they literally fill your lawn full of golf ball sized holes. And they push all the dirt up so you have these mounds of dirt. Looks like a cow pasture out there. And they literally just destroy your lawn. In fact, to the point, here's what I had to do at one point. I actually had to strip my lawn, have all the sod ripped up.

And I guess I invented this. I don't know why, but every landscaper or gardener I talked to, I said, look, why don't we put chicken wire down across the whole lawn and then put the fresh sod over the chicken wire? I'm like, no, nobody's ever done that. That won't work. That's crazy. And I'm like, well, when you put a prisoner behind bars,

you restrain him, you contain him, right? So they're like, oh yeah, man, okay, yeah, okay, let's put some chicken wire down. I don't know why this isn't common practice here in gopher country. So anyways, I put all this chicken wire down across my whole lawn and then, you know, put the fresh sod over the chicken wire and the grass grew down through the holes in the chicken wire and everything's fine. I have a beautiful lawn. go for free.

But what happened next is that the gophers decided to come out around the edges of the chicken wire, around the peripheral. So now they're kind of coming up through the garden and stuff, which isn't so bad because they kind of turn the soil over in the garden. But to make a long story short, so one night I'm walking out my front door and I've got one of these houses where my pool is right in front of my living room in front of my front door um and it's nighttime and i'm walking out the front door and i see a bunch of ripples on the water glistening in the moonlight and i'm like what the hell is in my pool i thought maybe a grasshopper had fallen in or something like that and i take a closer look and it's one of these little gophers it was like a baby guy and he's just swimming for his dear life he's doing laps like he was so frantic i'm sure he could have passed that michael phelps guy

and here we go it's the americans coming down to the finish line it's seven more yards to the finish line it's oh it looks like michael phelps is being passed by oh my god it's a pocket gopher it's a pocket gover here comes the pocket gover michael phelps going for the line it's the pocket gopocket gopher at the finish line the pocket gopher gets the gold the pocket go wait a minute what country is he from huh We can't give a go for the gold. So anyways, this thing is swimming back and forth fratling like, oh my God, I should just let it drown. For all the damage you and your family have done to my lawn, all the money you've cost me,

I had to get my whole lawn ripped up, you little buck tooth freak, right? And being the compassionate soul that I am, I'm like, no, I mean, I'm not kidding, I pull bees, I pull ants, I pull beetles. If I see anything floating in my pool, even if I'm late for a me, I stop and scoop it out. I hate to think of something just slowly buzzing around in a circle and dying. It's still a life. It's a soul, right? So anyways, I run back inside and I get this like big jar.

And the gopher's not swimming to my side of the pool. He's swimming to the opposite side. And I can see he's running out of steam. So I run over to the other side. And just as I get there, he's had his last stroke. He starts sinking underwater. And I'm like, oh my God, I stick this thing underwater. I stick this big jar.

I see a bubble come up from the gopher's mouth as he's about, probably about three, four inches under and steadily descending towards the bottom. And I scoop him up into my jar and I drain the water and he does a few sniffles and sneezes and bingo. I've suddenly got myself a gopher. I caught me a gopher, boys. Start up the barbecue. How are we going to have some gopher meat tonight? No, I did not consume the gopher, although I should.

So what happened is I already had a terrarium in place because sometimes I go into my yard and get catch lizards and I put them in a terrarium and I observe them for a couple of weeks or months and then I let them go again. That's right, I'm into nature and creatures and things. And so now I got me a little pet gopher. And I think he likes me. I think he knows that I saved his life.

He lets me pet him, and I go out and pick him grass, and I feed him grass, and I give him, I give him carrots, and I give him some nuts sometimes as a little treat, and I pour him some water, delicious water. I mean, what a treat that is. And I don't know, I'm kind of bonding with this little gopher. Isn't it something? Isn't nature wonderful? Oh, well, enough about my peck gopher. But by the way, if any of you have any names, you'd like to give my gopher.

I have yet to name the gopher. But if you want to email me some gopher names, I can read them on the next show, and maybe we can pick one together. Me and you, pick and gopher names. What an exciting podcast, isn't it? Me and you, what other podcast asked you to pick a gopher name.

I ask you. Me and you pick and gopher names here on the Harland Highway. Hey, everybody, Harlan Williams here, rolling with you on the Harlan Highway. And I wanted to talk to you folks about... Hang on. Someone at the door. Come in.

Come in. Hey, man, what's going on? Oh, look. Senor Fuentes. I'm at Senor Fuentes. Yeah, look, I'm in the middle of doing my radio show. You can't just come in here. Yes, man, but I'm your new gardener, right?

You hired me to be your gardener. Yes, I did hire you. You've been bugging me for a long time. I decided to give you a chance, but you should be at home in my garden, not here interrupting my radio show. Hey, man, I just wanted to let you know that I put the sprinklers in you asked about, man. Oh, good, the sprinklers are.

okay well how many did you put in i put in about 12 man okay good so thank you i'll see you next week well there's been a little problem what do you mean a little problem well these sprinklers they went on but i don't think it's so good what do you mean they if they went on yes that's good if they're on they're watering the grass what do you mean the grass well i asked you to install sprinklers at house right yeah and you said they're working right yeah they're working man i mean they're on right now man okay good so the grass is getting watered at no wait a minute man what when you said you wanted me to install sprinklers at your house man i didn't know you meant on the outside what are you talking about well out on a grass man i put the sprinklers in the house what are you talking about fentes

Man, I put the sprinklers on inside your house. I mean, your couch is getting nice and wet. Your fridge is getting nice and wet. Your bed is really nice and moist, man. I even laid down on it's like a water bed, man. What are you talking about, you numbskull? Hey, man, I put the sprinklers on in your house like you told me, man. I'm saying your friend ass.

You idiot, the sprinklers go on the outside, dumbass. Well, you did not tell me that, man. You just said you want sprinklers in your house. not in my house at my house on the lawn you idiot no it's i'm senor frantes i got to go folks i got to run home and see what kind of mess this guy made this is ridiculous unbelievable hey man did you want me to start digging that pool for your house no i don't want you to start digging a pool get out of here i got to go folks and don't forget me Send your Fuente. Get out of here. Yeah, it's always the case in life.

You ever have that happen? You hire somebody to work on your house or in your yard. And you pulled them out of the yellow pages or there was a nice, glossy pamphlet in your mailbox, and I was like, Would you like to redo your pumping? Have your floors buffed. We'll build you a brand new tool shed. How about new windows? Are you looking to have a new patio and finally entertain your mafia friends?

And you think, okay, great. They've got a pamphlet. They own a company. Bingo, I hire them. They come in. They obviously know what they're doing. And you order a new balcony and you end up with a new family room, right? Or you ask them to move your sink and suddenly your showers upside down.

Have you ever had that guys that have about as much clue at repairing and doing construction as you do? Isn't that why we hired them in the first place? Because most of us are just clueless or we don't have the time. So what do we do? We bring in the experts. And they're in the middle of like doing the shower. the bathtub they put in the new bathtub and okay we're all finished i guess uh that wraps this job up that'll be uh two grand

they're like oh yeah looks good yep there's your new bathtub and uh just curious what you're going to put the uh the faucets in like later on you're going to put the spout in and the knobs and do all the plumbing i'm sorry The plumbing, there's holes there at the end of the tub where the actual faucet goes and the handles for the hot and cold water. Oh, wait a minute. Now, you didn't say anything about that. I said I'd put a bathtub in.

Okay, I'm going to need plumbing and water and faucets. Yeah, that's going to be an extra two grand. Get out of here. Can you believe it? I hate it when you hire people. that are supposed to be in the know and they're just complete dip wads. You try to tell them they're doing something wrong

and they get all offended? Don't tell me how to cut grass. I've been cutting grass for 12 years. Now, give me that blender back and let me get back to work. Okay, sparky, sparky. It's a funny world. People always trying to get your money. Isn't that what life's all about?

you know sure you got your bank accounts and your checking account your saving account and your secret swiss account or you hide your drug money and you think oh i'm putting away a little nest egg here and i'm uh i'm saving up for my future and but isn't money just a transferable item you just kind of get money and then hand it off to the next guy It's never really yours, is it? Does anyone really have more than $20 or $100 in their wallet or maybe a couple of hundred sitting around the house if you're lucky? It's just like money's like a vagrant. It's like a homeless person.

It's like, I don't like this palm. I think I'll wander over to that palm over there. And that guy will hand me off to that palm, and then I'll be in that palm, and then I'll be at the palms in the restaurant, and then I'll, you know, it just, it's never really yours, is it? And don't be deceived by your bank account. They think about your bank account, okay?

You probably think, okay, let's say your balance is, uh, let's say you got $20,000 in your little checkbook or your, your bank book. Do you really think that there's a little drawer somewhere that says Mr. Williams on it and they open the drawer and there's a stack of $20,000? A bunch of 20s and some hundreds neatly bundled with little seals on them that say $10,000 and $5,000. That's not how banks work. For all intensive purposes, you just have a number. You have a floating number. Think about it.

How much you got in the bank? Well, nothing really, but I have this number here. I've got this number. It's $21,000. Oh, really? Here, hand me that pen. I'm going to write down the number three million. Look, I have a number two, three million. Oh, okay. I guess that beats me. Yeah, it does. Now, shine my shoes, loser. Damn it. It is weird when you think about it. People don't leave money under their mattresses anymore. You don't accumulate physical dollars. It's just a weird. weird number.

If you think about it, what if someone actually erased your numbers? They deleted your numbers, just a computer glitch, or you lost your numbers. Like, everything would just be gone. Well, wait a minute, I had the number 33,000. Well, we had a little computer F up, and we deleted your numbers, and there's really no way to verify that you have those numbers, sir, so we're going to give you a new number. Yeah, what's that? It's called zero.

It's really round. It's more like an oval, and it's very attractive. Sometimes you can use it as an O, as a letter O. Oh, as an oh, crap, you guys lost my money? Yes, that's a very good, very nice grammar, sir. Here, have one of our bank pens. That was very nice and special. Chucheng, man.

Chuchang. Well, I got enough green. Let's go to my message machine and see what the rest of you are whining about and pining about and thinking about. Let's check the Harland Highway answering machine here on the Harlan Highway. Where else? Hi, Harlan. This is Heather. I was listening to your show and you were talking about dogs eating grass.

And I heard some way that they do that when their stomach's upset. and it makes them feel better for some reason. But I thought I'd kind of let you know because you're wondering about it. Bye. Okay, well, thanks, Heather. Now we know. Next time we get sick, folks,

don't take your Tylenol or your ribotussin or your aspirin. If you got a tummy ache or you feel queasy, just go out on the lawn and start grazing. Gobble down a couple of pallets of sod. Throw back some grass seed. suck on a sprinkler and uh you should feel better instantly hello hello harlan i just want to clear things up again about the old emergency parking break subject the only purpose for a parking break is to keep the car in park once you stop and turn off the car it will stay in park

you're not supposed to drive it any car yes will drive once you put it in park Emergency parking, it will drive, but you're not supposed to. It's just supposed to be used to hold the car in place when it's parked. And that is what it does do. I'll drop you later. Okay, thanks for clearing that up. I mean, it's crystal clear. I think what you said is you can't put it in park because the emergency brake, your car will drive.

If you have the parking brake on, you put your foot on the gas. and it'll go through the emergency break and the parking break goes on and then you drive. Boy, thanks for clearing that up for me. Oh, my God. Well, let's get to a listener that's a little more clear-headed, shall we? Someone who really has their act together and we can clearly figure out what they're talking about. Oh, my God, I love you guys. I mean, I love you. and I am your secret admirer and my name is my name is um my name will be wait what you guys what's my name i forgot my name tanya no wow that's why i love getting your phone calls people i never know what i'm gonna get

i love it you guys rock oh boy not remembering your own name wow well i hope you remember the name of this place This is the Harland Highway, and I'm Harry Hall, Alice, Alice, Alice Johnson, no. Oh, Paula, David, Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway, and it is weird the dogs eat grass. maybe maybe that's what pocket gophers are maybe they're just puppies they're like stray puppies that that borrowed underground for protection they were abandoned by their mothers and they hide under the earth and they come up and they eat the grass until they're old enough to be real dogs

so maybe I don't even have a pocket gopher maybe I have a great big maybe it's going to be a rottweiler when it grows up or a great dane with Freddie Krueger fingers. Either way, I've just opened up a whole new possibility and I'm very, very scared. But I hope you're not scared. I hope you're not scared to come back and join us again very soon. Be sure to subscribe to the Harland Highway podcast

and we will alert you every time there's a new podcast. We try to do one a week for sure, but sometimes we surprise you and there's bonus podcasts depending on when I have time for them. But we hope you're enjoying yourselves. Keep coming back.

Tell your friends. Share the Harland Highway with all your friends. Let them know that we're here. Let them know that we're here. Let them know that we're here. There, I said it three times. I was kind of trying to brainwash you. And we'll keep bringing.

bringing you the goodies. Right here, wailing down the only road that matters, the Harland Highway, with me, Harlan Williams. Until next time, Chicken Chow Main, baby.