The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 15

Episode Date: July 4, 2013

STILL ON VACATION GANG...IT'S SUMMER FOR GOSH SAKE!!! Ne epps will be up soon but meanwhile enjoy the early shows that never made it into the archives!!! LAUGH, BABY< LAUUUUGGGHHH!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You may go see important. You are important. My name is Donkey Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. of Mitra. It's his Harland Williams here. And you have just entered the Harland Highway. Thank you for coming. What a treat it is to have you along for the ride here today. Hopefully we'll put a smile on your face. Well, not we. It's just me here, but, well, there's the voices in my head. Thank you very much. You're welcome. Hey, what about me? Okay, you too. What about me, man? All right, you too. We thank you for being here at the Harland Highway.

I'm Harland Williams with all my mental friends. And are you part of this iPhone revolution? Are you part of the Apple Revolution in general? The I everything, the iPod, the iPhone, the iBook, the I diderod. There's a good idea. I'd like to see Apple pull that off, man, right? They're so good at technology, their computers can do anything. I'd like to see some Eskimo guy, okay, get a sled, weighed down with like beluga whale blubber

and some walrus faces that he's just freshly butchered. and he straps in like, I don't know, 12 i books, 12 ibook laptop computers. And if they're so smart, right, these computers are so good at what they do and they're so smart. They get all this battery power. They should be able to do the iditarod. They should be able to run across the frozen North Pole and, and, and, come in first and outsmart the lowly dogs with their dog IQs and their dog brains. Sure, a computer should be able to navigate the icebergs and the ice fields

and the sub-zero temperatures and the chilly polar winds and detect giant carnivores such as polar bears and Arctic wolves and snowy owls. Oh, who, who, who, who, who, imagine that. An eye-book galloping along the frozen ice, making headway through the blowing snows, and from out of nowhere, a majestic snowy owl swoops down. Hoo-hoo, woo-hoo-hoo, whu-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-ha! Just plucks one of the computers right off the sled team.

Suddenly they're down to 11. So Unta Tunk, a Tunk, Tunk has to put his iPhone onto the team. Now we got an iPhone, an 11, what am I talking about here? But man, that iPhone is smart, isn't it? I got myself an iPhone. People love the iPhones. Women love the iPhones. I was on a plane the other day.

Saw a woman breastfeeding her iPhone. I guess that's a new app One of the iPhone apps is I guess there's a little digital mouth that appears on the screen and you put the iPhone up against your booby and Mama

I mama I nipple Oh that's a good boy suck away Just hope the breast doesn't accidentally dial 9-1-1 the sucking's happening. 9-1-1. How may we help you?

I'm just sucking... My iPhone is sucking my eye-nipple? Okay, and how do you need us, ma'am? This was an accident. My nipple just hit 411-9-1-1 by mistake. Okay, please don't call back, ma'am. Okay, sorry. And the iPhone is just a G-1-1-1-1-1-m.

genius. It does everything. They're a little bit spooky. The technology, the brains in these things is so smart. I was sleeping the other night and I heard a little disturbance out in the living room. And I kind of opened one eye and I could hear some ruckus going on out in the living room by my couch and I put my little leather slippers on and my little red cap with the dingle ball. And I look just like that guy from it. t'was the night before Christmas, right? And I picked up my cup of cocoa from my bedside table, and I snuck down the hall with visions of eye sugar plums dancing in my head, and I slowly peeked around the corner to where the disturbance was coming from, and I couldn't believe it. There was my iPhone sitting on the couch, showing a movie on itself

to my TV remote and then they started getting it on and my iPhone went down on the remote's mute button and it just got very graphic from there I think they were 69ing for a little bit and the whole time my iPhone's taking pictures which was very disgusting it's like come on dude

have a little civility here man does she even know you're taking pictures of these sexual acts eye sex God how about pink eye phones huh for people that are diseased that way we know who's sick

they have to carry around a pink eye phone I don't know what I'm talking about I better I better hang up this segment and call 911 right now and see if I can get some help for myself here on the Harland Highway. iPhone, make me some toast. Thank you, iPhone.

It's like one notch away from R2D2, right? I say, iPhone, please pull my car around and take me to the drive-thru. What's that iPhone? say iPhone, keep a civil tongue in your head. Oh yes, that's right. You don't have a tongue. Up yours, too, iPhone. Up your computer chip. All right, I'm going into Star Wars mode, but it's iPhone's fault, man. We're getting all the new technology we always dreamed about having when we got to the 21st century, right?

God bless the iPhone. The thing I like about it is it's going to push all the other phone makers to outdo it. So we're going to get even better technology. Three years from now, huh, I really will be floating around on my iPhone. I'll be like the Silver Surfer. Got to go to the mall.

Better jump on my phone and glide on down there. I love it. Let's all go get iPhones, everybody. Be cool. Be like the Jetsons. Can slide down the Harlan Highway on our new iPhone.

I love it Go get an iPhone and call me I say you naughty little bastard Yeah I think I have some bragging rights here too When it comes to the iPhone You know I don't play the stock market I have some money in the stock market I have my stock market guys do the general stuff.

But every now and then, you know, I think of a pick that I think will do well. And I just break it down to common logic. What is it that people want and what is it that people need? And prior to the iPhone coming out, I was like, okay, people are cell phone crazy. everyone wants cell phones people are crazy about Apple Apple's got the coolest new technology of course everyone's going to flock to the iPhone

so iPhone no I can barely say I now without saying phone after it but I decided to jump into the Apple stock option business and I bought a whole bunch of Apple stock pre the iPhone and I even recommended it to a bunch of my friends who are very happy that I did

because they all benefited they all profited from my hot stock tip and I'll tell you one other one I benefited from when Google went public I was like wait a minute we're in the information technology Google offers the most rapid um connection to technology technology, the most efficient, the most fun. Everyone's talking about Google, everyone uses Google, everyone wants Google. They're going public. Hell, yeah, I'll invest in Google. And to give you an example, I jumped in when Google was about $112 a share.

And about a year and a half ago, Google was up to $700 a share. Now, since everything took a hit, since we've gone through these tough times, Google slid back down into the 300 range, but now it's back up into the 400 range. That's pretty damn good. And when I bought Apple, Apple was at 112 again, and it peaked out at 200 before the big crash. But now it's up at around 140-something. So I'm not a genius. I'm not a financial wizard.

I didn't go to accounting school. But sometimes if you think logically, if you look at what society's in demand of, which is, you know, almost everything. But there are some very trendy things. There are some items that just seem to stick out more than others. If you're going to play the markets, that might be a good place to play. Look for those things. They don't come along that often. I mean, they do, but some of the more obvious ones don't come along that often.

And maybe none of them are obvious. Maybe I'm just being a pompous ass and toot my own horn. And look what I did. I guess I should tell you about the Yahoo. Okay. All right, there's two sides to every coin. Let me tell you about when I bought Yahoo. Okay, I did buy Yahoo at about $25,000 a share.

Not $25,000, $25 a share. And it went down to like $2 a share. Okay, so I ain't no genius, but it's fun to play. Don't put your life savings in there. But if you have a little extra, have fun with it. But the stock markets overall, it's an interesting game. It's almost like gambling. It is gambling.

What am I saying almost like? You put your money down on something and you hope you double it or triple it or quadruple it. But you can also just completely lose it. And it's funny how people put down hundreds of thousands of dollars on the stock market, but when they go to Vegas and sit at a blackjack table, it's like, oh, this table's too high.

Is there a table around here with a $5 limit? Yeah, just a $5. $5 limit because I No, I can't risk What, there's a stock market table? Oh, I'll put $400,000 down on the stock market table. Where's that? Interesting,

huh? Money, money, money. We just loves our money. What's cool about our money, though, is the artwork on our money. Like the dollar bill. Have you seen the dollar bill

we've got that weird imagery of the pyramid. And then at the top of the pyramid, it's kind of like cut. And there's like a space between the top and the lower three quarters. And then there's a big eye. It's like a big, it's like a cyclops pyramid. And then there's the eagle. We got the bald eagle on our money. It's kind of weird, huh?

Like, how does a, what's a bald eagle got to do with currency? You know? Like, should we be trading bald eagles? Excuse me, how much is that chest of drawers? That'll be 12 bald eagles and three bald eagle chicks. Oh, here you go. Thank you so much. Oh, you're very welcome.

It looks fantastic. Here, here's a tip for you. Have a bald eagle egg. Oh, thank you. I'll eat that for breakfast. I don't know. Why is there a bald eagle on there? Gotta love the bald eagle, huh?

Although it's kind of a bummer that it's called bald. I mean, bald isn't necessarily sexy, right? Who named it bald? Just because it has a white head, its feathers are white. What about the white-crested eagle? Or the white-capped eagle? Or, you know, what about the rest of his body that's all black?

How black, how about the, uh, the black velvet eagle, the sexiest eagle in the world? The United States of America's black velvet eagle. I mean, bald just seems so, like, unsexy for a country like the USA, bald eagle? Can we get it some, like, eagle hair plugs or something? Put a wig on it? Richard Simmons wig or get some extension, something. I just... Bald is just so...

Ever see a vulture? Vultures are bald. Okay, they don't even have feathers on their heads. They're just, like, pink. They look like uncircumcised penises with beaks. I know. Gross. But bald eagles have a full head of beautiful white... plumage their feathers are delicious i'm i'm hoping one day i get a bald eagle headed feather filled pillow

that was kind of a tongue twister bald eagle eagle eagle feather filled pillow that could be a new one like seashells seashells seashells sea see i can't even do it she sells seashells at the sea shore a bald eagle filled pillow. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe not. But God bless. God bless our almighty dollar. God bless our hair plugged bald eagle. Well, ladies and gentlemen, rejoice here on the Harland Highway. Today is the day that the American Bald Eagle has officially been taken off the endangered species list. Yes, old baldy is back. So if you see a big giant bird flying over your house with a bald head,

get the rogain and put it in the bird feeder, the bird of prey should swoop down and sit down and gobble right in front of your eyes. You and the family can sit there and watch our national bird eating rice. gain than trying to put some hair on its head i mean who the hell named the bald eagle man you don't see other birds flying around with hairdoes huh uh there's the uh tony home permanent um sea osprey and over there there's the uh afro sparrow and uh over there we've got the pigtailed tree nutcracker, you know, bald eagle. What the hell's that all about?

I don't know. I'll call the Audubon Society and lodge a formal complaint on behalf of the United States of America. All right, people, keep your hair on your heads. Don't hit any bald eagles as you're wailing down the Harland Highway. All right, am I missing something when it comes to my... MySpace. I'm extremely confused about something here. Okay, MySpace is a social networking site.

You know, a lot of you listening are probably on it. And here's my question to a certain sect of the MySpacers. Do you ever get a friend request from someone, like in my case, like a hawk girl and the name that they use for their site is Karen loves David and they've actually got a little heart icon in their thing and or uh you know Sarah Sarah and Sarah and Mikey forever like that's the name of their actual like MySpace page and then their picture their their homepage picture is a picture of them like kissing their boyfriend on the lips or hugging him or he's holding her up they're walking across the threshold or something and you're like okay interesting and

you know you click join because you don't want to discriminate you you you know you pretty much click everyone in if you're looking to collect friends and then lo and behold that person that Sarah loves Mikey person write you back they write you a message or their comment and they're like hey I really like you what's going on talk to me

and out of curiosity you look at their profile and you look at their picture and it says married children and then you go into their albums and you look at their albums and it's like 32 pages of them stick in their ass at the camera

wearing a bikini, boozing it up, licking another girl's face, pulling their cleavage down in their skimpy little t-shirt. And I'm like, what the hell? First of all, what are we supposed to think? Okay. Like, are you reaching out to us? Are you trying to have an affair? Or if not, what the hell business do you have?

being on MySpace. What are you doing? Does your husband know you have a page that says, I love Mikey? And then goes on to show like 300 explicit pictures of you looking like the biggest sluze bag I've ever seen? Am I missing the point here? Like, what is the message?

What do you want me to do? What do you want anyone to do? Hey, I'm married. I just love Mikey. He's my whole world. I mean, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, it's all I live and breathe. Mikey, he's my husband, he's my caregiver, he's my breadwinner. And I don't know you, but you want to come and sniff my butt?

I mean, what the hell? Yeah, I've never met you. I'm just sending you an electronic email. Maybe you could, you know, flap your face around in my cleavage. And, you know, Mikey doesn't have to know. I mean, I do love Mikey. Don't get me wrong. I mean, you see my mind.

he's right i love mike but would it really hurt if you gave me a little nibble down there in the old bermuda triangle mike you don't have to know god get the hell off my space man you got kids you got a husband you clearly love are you just BSing them you just out trolling for something fresh and why you'd use your husband as as bait and your kids i don't know i just I don't understand you. You're freaks. So I'm going to say this to you. Get the hell off my space.

There. If you're single and you want to do that stuff and you want to tease and tantalize, go ahead. You have every right to. But, God, if you're in a committed relationship, what are you angling for, you dumbass? G-H-O-0.

M. Get the hell off MySpace. It's my new term. G-H-O-M. It's like I-H-O-M. You don't flip pancakes. You flip your ass right off of MySpace. There. God. Get it together.

If you can't find room on MySpace, there's always space here. With me, Harlow Williams, on the Harlan Highway. Ah-R-R-R. they say the internet is getting too full they're saying there's so much stuff on the internet that it's going to explode that it's just the system can't hold anymore it's like a fat guy getting into a pair of pants that are just a few sizes too small he just keeps stuffing stuff in there stuffing stuff in there goes one button there goes another button and there goes the third button there goes the top button and there goes the belt flying open

and out comes all the plover yeah it's true man think of all the emails you've sent or received look of all the stuff you've looked up think of all the stuff on the internet let's say you wanted information about toenail grease you type it in there's 40, pages on toenail grease. You want information on the inside of a light bulb. What's inside a light bulb? What's in there? Oh my gosh, I better Google it and find out what's the inner workings of a light bulb. You type in inside a light bulb. There's nine million pages of what's inside a light bulb. Shouldn't there just be like one page for everything we need to know? For some reason, people across the world are writing about things in multiples it's strange man

internet's getting fat it's got to go on a diet internet hang in man i'm typing in the word weight watchers i'm sending help google weight watchers oh here's the reason there's 7 million 923 headings underweight watchers. Oh, no! Harlan Williams. Yeah, that's me. And you are listening to me, Harlan Williams, here on the Harland Highway podcast. And I can't tell you how much fun I'm having doing this podcast.

I hope that I'm keeping you folks entertained, keeping a smile on your face. And, you know, some of my shows aren't even particularly. about trying to be funny. Some of them I'm just trying to start some dialogue, create some conversation, maybe stimulate some thought. And in some cases, my shows are just like a sedative. I just drone on and on and slowly lull you to sleep.

And many of you have probably never heard past the first three or four seconds or minutes. Because some of you might think this guy is so damn boring. he's perfect for putting me to sleep at night, man, or even during the day. I mean, this guy is just wonderful. I've tried Volka Trim. I've tried Valatim. I've tried, you know, I don't even know the name of all these sleeping pills.

Nighty night night pills. I don't know. But, yeah, if those don't do it, try me. I don't like to be, you know, self-degregating. here but um you know that might be the effect i have on some people god it's stuttering's weird you ever stutter some people are just born with strange afflictions stuttering some people are born small and i think god can be cruel man i'm i'm not kidding this was so sad to me the other day I am pretty sure I saw a small person.

I think that's what they're called. Now, little people, small people. We don't call the midgets anymore. But notice how I kind of did that disclaimer just so I could sneak the word midget in there because I like that word, man. Midget's fun. Now, if you're a midget and you're a little person

and you're listening and you're offended, I apologize. I just think it's a fun word. I have to say it just midget, it just feels more appropriate than little person. Little person almost seems too descriptive. Like, I don't need to describe you that much. I mean, if we're going to go down that road, shouldn't I say, yes, little person, which generally has stubby arms and kind of a bulbous head

and a patrooting buttock area. And I'm not being mean, but that's a common physical. trait for little people but that's what I mean midget just encapsulates the whole thing I don't know how midget became offensive maybe it just kind of sounds a bit midget midget it does have a bit of a it's just in the in the sound of the word like if the word for midget was like um sunflower who's your little sunflower friend there That's Timmy. He was born that way. Oh.

How you doing, Sunflower? Pretty good. How are you? I can see your balls, by the way. You know, it's just that word midget just sounds kind of mean or wrong. So I won't say it anymore. I'll say little people. And here's my point where I was saying God can be cruel. I thought I saw a little person in a wheelchair.

and I thought that they had nubs that they had lost their legs in a car accident or they were born that way or whatever and I thought come on man God why why you got to go there player I mean already this person was born with you know legs probably I don't know maybe 16 inches maybe 14 inch long legs

like half their body size and they're less than two feet high and you got to go take their legs away and drop them down even more not cool god not cool there's little people and then there's like Fisher Price people you know you start dropping them down that low and they're just borderline

you know they're like those little figurines guys by and putting their train sets at home you know there's a postman stand there, glued to the grass, and people walking down the street and frozen poses. We're getting down to that level. So it turned out she was just in a wheelchair, and it was because of the lighting and her legs were a little bit concealed by some clothing. It turns out she had her legs, but she was incapacitated.

And I was like, thank God to be born a little person and then have God. take your legs off of you come no no no no just not cool okay so god if you're listening let's try and um you know keep it all together that's probably you calling right now so i'm going to get out of here thanks for listening folks i got to talk to god here on the harland highway Thank you.