The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 16

Episode Date: July 8, 2013

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Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is Sophie Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Happy July the 4th, everybody. Yes, happy Independence Day. I know it's not July the 4th, but it is right now. When I'm recording this show, I won't even say what year, because I don't want to date the show, or I don't want you to know that I'm actually doing this show from the future. Okay, I'm going to tell you. I don't like to keep secrets from my listeners.

is July 4th, 2030. I'm not even using radio equipment. I'm just talking into a pineapple, and it's all very futuristic. You won't understand it until you get here. But anyways, I am doing the show, and outside, it's early in the evening. It's about 9.30 p.m.

and happy 4th of July, even though, you know, we don't know what day it is while you're listening to this. And while I'm at it, Merry Christmas, Happy Halloween, Happy Thanksgiving, Happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanza, happy, happy joy, joy, in case I don't see you. But all around me right now, and you're probably saying, well, why isn't you outside watching the fireworks? There are fireworks going off, and I live up in the Hollywood Hills, and I'm on the edge of a cliff, and I can see everywhere. I can see fireworks going off for probably 30 miles in every direction. I don't even know. You might even be able to hear them banging right now. It's just insane.

But it got me to thinking, and the reason I'm not outlooking. looking at them is because, you know, I'm in my 40s and I've seen a ton of fireworks in my life. Okay? I don't feel like I'm missing out on much. Yes, it's beautiful. I was out there watching them for a little bit, lighting up the sky. There's so many from my vantage point. I don't know where to look.

And I was starting to get neck cramps and my corneas and my optic nerves were starting to cramp up and I was starting to get bug eyes. But in my life, I've been to fireworks displays. I've seen fireworks in Australia. I've seen fireworks in Germany. I've seen fireworks in Paris. I've seen fireworks in British Columbia. I've seen fireworks in a little small town in Colorado, where I was snowed in on New Year's Eve with my ex-girlfriend.

We were trapped by avalanches in a little town of like 600 people, and they lit firecrackers off into the snowy night sky. Very romantic. So I've seen my share of fireworks. But it's funny when you see all these explosives going off, and that's, you know, basically what they are, explosives, to see them going off all over the city and to hear the thundering and the pounding,

and you know these are these are pretty low level explosives and yet it is rocking out there people it is booming and banging and the airs reverberating with with sound waves that are taking an extra few seconds to get to me i'll see a a firework go off you know 15 miles away and the bang will get to me about four minutes later when i least expect it but But it makes me wonder, what the hell do countries that go through war experience? Imagine these 500-pound bunker busters that the U.S. drops on places we don't like. Like Iran when we were in the mix. Like Afghanistan.

Like, uh, Hiroshima, Nagasaki. And not just us, but any, you know, the Russians dropping weapons, the Koreans dropping weapons, anybody, the Israelis, the, you know, the Palestinians. What's it like to live in a war-torn region when that stuff's raining down on you? That's enough to shake the forest gump braces off your legs, as if that's what that is. And I got to start the thing, you know, outside of the stupid. of mankind and going to war. What are the critters thinking of all this ruckus? I mean, July 4th is not a good night to be a bird.

Not that a lot of birds fly at night, but owls, okay? Nighthawks, night sparrows, bats. Can you imagine what all these reverberating sound waves are doing to the bat sonar? You know, they fly around all night They listen for mosquitoes, maybe they get a moth Tonight, they like get their Their symptoms are all buggered up From all these fireworks going off

Their equilibriums are out of whack Their sonars out of pitch And they're like swooping down and picking up smart cars And little babies And tiny Korean people and that's just crazy. Well, what do the creatures think? They're like, okay, you know, the odd airplane goes by.

I hear a Harley Davidson now and then, sometimes a Carl backfire. You know, I can handle this human environment. And then once a year, on July 4th, the skies light up. It's like a bowl of lucky charms in the air. And it's just explosion after explosion. You ever hear that term as the crow flies? You don't want to be following a crow on the night of July 4th, man,

because that thing will take more zigzags than the flowers for algernon mouse maize. How twisted is that reference? But that's got to be what it's like. Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh! Ah!

Beep-wee! Ah! the ah just ah yeah so there you go it's eye candy for us it's got to be hell for the rest of every living creature on planet earth but don't worry you're safe here creatures birds humans aliens anybody can come down the Harland Highway. We won't blow you up. Glad you're along for the ride. Let's go.

Let's get started. I'm Harlan Williams, and you're you. And you're here on the Harlan Highway. Hey, it's Harlan Williams. You're rolling with me on the Harland Highway, and do I sound a little tired to you? Well, let me explain. You ever hear of a bird called the mockingbird?

I don't know if you have them in your community. hanging out your trees and your shrubs. But there's a godforsaken bird called the mockingbird. And why do they call it the mockingbird? Because it imitates the calls of all the other birds. Now, that's a fancy feat. I mean, in the entertainment world, it would be a first-rate impressionist, okay?

It could do, if it was someone in Vegas doing a stage show, We could do Seinfeld's voice and John Wayne's voice and Christopher Walken's voice and Jack Nicholson's voice and everybody's voice. But in nature, this bird mimics the call of every bird that's around it. Okay, A, that's great. B, the mockingbird also has a thing where come mating season in the springtime, i.e., right about now, it gets very territorial. And in order to defend its territory, it sits and it chirps very loudly. But for some reason, to send out the message and get it out early,

this thing likes to start cranking it up at about 2.30, 3 a.m. in the morning. Yeah, when we're all sleeping. I guess it wants to get a jump on its defending duties. I don't know of any other bird that makes its calls in the middle of the night. But guess what? They just go and go and go. And they do it at all hours of the morning, and they're loud as hell, and you can hear them right through your walls, and you can't get to sleep, man.

It's like you're in a bird sanctuary. It's like an orchestra of birds. It's like someone's reading the Audubon book of birds and deciding to make every call. There's a crow, there's a sparrow, there's a robin, there's an Oriole, there's a Blue Jay, there's a Cardinal, there's a cedar waxwing, there's a chickadee, there's a whippoorwill. And on and on and on. And it's all coming from this guy, man. It's the Frank Kelly Ando bird, man. Stop it.

Stop chirping and making all the bird and prud. impressions at three in the morning. I'm not in Vegas, man. I'm in my bed. I'm trying to catch some Zs, jackass. Mockingbird. Yeah, I'll take the ing part on the last part of your name. You're some kind of ing bird.

I'm going to go buy some earmuffs. I'll see you at the zoo. I'll be sleeping in the bird sanctuary here on the Harland Highway. Oh, Lord Jesus, God bless the little birdies. God bless the beasts and the children. I don't know, birds, man. I mean, you ever hear these people that come up to you? Like, okay, like, okay, like, you,

okay, ready? Like, you get two choices, right? Okay, like, you can fly or, okay, like, you could be invisible. Like, which would you, what would you take? Well, I think I'd take Invisible So you couldn't see me And talk to me with that annoying voice What, this voice?

Yeah Okay, okay, I get it And then I'd take fly So I could fly the hell away from your annoying voice Oh, like you can't take two I said pick one You know, I picked two thanks to your annoying Cheese-grating voice

Uh, it's not like a voice A voice can't grade cheese stupid oh my god people with uh with loud voices man you know one thing we have to learn to do it's it's almost punishable by firing squad honestly the people have got to learn cell phone etiquette i mean does does devry teach a a cell phone etiquette night course is there somebody do they have at Yale at Harvard, I'd probably pay for everyone to go because how many times has this

happened to you? You're in a close quarter with the group of people or one individual and they get on their hello box, their cell phone, and they just start chatting. But they can't chat like this like, oh yeah,

hey, David, look, I'm in an elevator right now, can I call you back? How many times have you been in that elevator? It's like, Oh, hi, Cam. Yeah. Oh, that sounds really good. No, Donnie's going to make his own lunch. Yeah. Why am I talking extra loud? I don't know. I just want the other people in the elevator to hear what's going on in my life. Yeah, of course they like it. Yeah. Maybe I'll even talk a little louder. I don't want them to miss a word of this diamond in the rough conversation we're having. Yeah, that's right, Kim.

Yeah, that was a real fun party. No, what you do is you add sugar, and then you let the brownies bake for half an hour. Yeah, Tommy really did have a fun day at school. You know what I mean? Those people, they don't get it, that we don't want to be privy to their stupid phone call. I don't care if it's business.

I don't care of your pants are on fire. I don't care if it's about your baby. I swear to God, I was on an airplane once. And some jackass just started blabbing away on his phone. We could all hear it. And I swear to God, this is what he says. Yeah, I, baby, yeah, I called. You know, I don't really have anything to talk about.

But, you know, I just got some extra minute. So I thought I might as well burn them up. The subtext being, yeah, I thought I'd burn them up. in the close quarters of an airplane before liftoff so all these strangers who don't know a damn thing about me can get tuned into my exciting life. Can you believe it? Or you're in a waiting area at an airport

and someone plops down and they're just chatting their face off. You're in a subway or a bus? I was at the gym the other day on the treadmill. right it was like an off day it was one of those like late night saturdays or something and you know gyms have like 70 treadmills so i'm motoring away i'm just you know three quarters of the way through my treadmill and lo and behold some dude comes in and decided oh i won't go to any of these empty treadmills i'll go to the one right beside that guy and guess who that guy was that was that was me So I'm like, okay, I only have 10 minutes left.

I can live with the guy beside me. It's kind of uncomfortable, but, you know, I got to smell his sweat and hear him grunt and, you know, he's going to be in my peripheral vision and it's kind of getting in my space and there's 70 other empty machines spread out all over. But okay, I won't cop an attitude. Well, I was fine with that until the second he got on the treadmill. He's like, oh, yeah, Jim, I'll get those documents go on.

And, oh, yeah, I'm on the treadmill, and, you know, I figure I better get a bunch of work done on a Sunday while I'm running. I can't wait until I get home and I'm not running and I'm not standing beside someone. And I better make sure I talk really loud so this guy beside me doesn't miss any part of this conversation. Oh, I could have killed him. You know what I did? I stopped my machine and I walked down to the very end of the gym. I got on a treadmill there, and I know he saw me. And I hope he friggin' learned a lesson.

Man, this is what I do now. If I'm in an enclosed space and someone gets on and they're blabbing away and they're close enough to me, I just pick up my cell phone. Nobody's on it. It might not even be on, but they don't know that. I just put it to my ear and I stand as close as I can next to them and I match their volume. And I just make stuff up.

I go, oh, yeah, Jim, yeah. Yeah, I'm going to be home in about three hours. And, yeah, we'll do the thing. Yeah, okay. Sounds real good, Jim, yeah. We'll have a barbecue and stuff. You should see how fast they move away. So this is what I'm saying.

People, please, if you have to take a call and you're around other people, can you just talk like this? can you make an effort just to talk like this yelling doesn't help us it probably doesn't help the person on the other end of the phone they're probably holding the phone like four feet back

or they got it on speakerphone they're looking at all their friends listen to this idiot he's like the town crier this guy's like he's on a bullhorn or something who is he no it's my husband okay Just chill with the cell phones

All right Well, in the meantime, since we're talking to phones Or talking about phones I get a lot of phone messages here at the Harland Highway And let's check in and see what people are saying On their phones God, does that just nullify the whole rant I just did? Yes, it does. Great.

Hey! Citizens of Planet Earth, it's Harland Williams here on your favorite highway, the Harland Highway. And are you feeling the love? Are you feeling the love I'm sending to you as you're driving home, as you're sitting in your office, as you're throwing lawn darts at your children? Are you feeling the love? Well, I'm feeling the love, man. I got a few nice calls from people that listen to the show. and I thought I'd share them with you because it's always fun to share the love, right?

So take a listen to this nice call I got. Hey, Harland. This is Kayla. I love your show. You're so crazy and so not normal. I love it. Thanks for all your, I don't know, just unique stories and perspectives. It keeps my day bright and not boring. So thanks so much. Keep it up. I love you. Bye. See, isn't that nice? Thank you for that nice call. God, when I hear messages like that, I get all mushy inside. Makes me wonder where hiccups come from.

Hey, Holland, I know where hiccups come from. Tommyville. Hello. Okay, Tommyville. Right, dude. You know what else comes from Tommyville? B.S. Hey, let's keep the love coming.

Who else we got out there? This is a love fest, people. Hello. Hey, Arlen. Welcome. We love your show. Listen to it every day on the drive home. I love the work you're doing.

Can't wait to listen to you every day. Thanks. Oh, the love just keeps on coming. It's bordering on stalkerish. I mean, you know, you love something too much, and you get a little, like, love psycho, right? Hey, Arland. I got to tell you, I have a huge crush on you. I find myself sitting through ridiculous car dealership commercials just in hope that I might catch a little snippet. Just a little bit of you. That's all. You rock. Bye. Uh, did, did I say stalkerish? Uh, no. It's not possible, is it? Somebody stalking.

me? Hey, Harland. I just called a few minutes ago to inform you of the big crush that I have on you. And I forgot to mention why. And here's why. Because any old, dumbass, stupido fool can make people laugh by being racist and sexist and making fart jokes and, you know, talking about boobs and making fun of other people. And that's the beauty of you, Harland, is you have a heart of gold, and you never make fun of people. You never get laughed at anyone's expense, except your own. It's hot. Okay.

Bye. Okay. I'm not stalker. Just a really nice lady. Spreading the love. Look at that. I'm loved. I must be doing something right.

Right? Hey, how about you play something goodie, jackass like some pink's wood? Jesus Christ. And then there's the law of physics. For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. Great. Jackass. Okay.

Jackass it is. What a name that is. Jackass. It's like Jack, which is a legitimate name, and then ass, which is a human body part, or a donkey-like half-horse pony thing. I don't even want to know where the term jackass came from. How about Larry? zebra what's up larry you're a larry zebra dude yeah well you're a paul pinto yeah well you're a jackass

yeah well you're you're a you're a stephen shatland okay have i run out of uh horse breeds yet um speaking a name calling you ever meet anyone whose name is just a letter like j or k i met someone the other day named d and i said how do you spell it and they said d what the hell how lazy were your parents man you know

this baby works its way out struggles out into the world all it wants is a name right pops its head out there's the proud parents oh look at the cutey little thing What should we call it? I don't know. I'm kind of tired. Can we just...

Let's just give it a letter for now, man. And I need to have a rest. Okay, D. Yeah, D's good for me, man. I mean, we'll get back to it and we'll, you know, we'll call it. We'll find another letter. Maybe an A. Maybe someday it'll be David or something.

Well, it's a girl. Okay, Darlene or something. I don't know, but... Just D for now. man, I got to take a nap. Yeah, me too. I'm tired. I've been pushing this baby out for the last four hours.

Man, make an effort, folks. D? J? Maybe their parents were just illiterate. Maybe they didn't know how to spell and they were embarrassed. How can we have this child? How can we name it when we don't know how to

spell? Well, what if we just give it one last? Yes. I can spell one letter. I can spell the letter A. You want to hear it? A. Oh man, that's good. I can't spell that one yet, but I can spell, um, H. Huh. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Well, you sort of got it. Yeah, I'm still learning it, but kudos to you on your A. Thank you. A-H

A-ho Anyways, I shouldn't be calling, I shouldn't be named calling. But I like people with unusual names. I like people from foreign countries. You know, here in America, we all have Larry and David and Barbara and Janice and Michael and Stephanie.

And you go, what does your name mean, man? I don't know, man. I'm a Larry, I guess. Maybe I'm a Larry? Okay, great. Larry means Larry. Great. But you go to like East India, or China or Japan, you know, some guy in East India? My name is Bodonzo Binga Galonga. Wow, what's that mean? The fiery dragon that rises from the sea and wraps its arms around the world and keeps it warm and safe as the sun sets into the velvet ocean. Oh, okay, well, uh, my name's Larry, and, um, you want to go to Arby's?

I do not want to go to Arby's, you're infidel. I'll wrap my dragon arms around you, you cheese puff. Okay, easy there, but don't go Rung Dara gung Dowdow. You said it wrong. that's the upside of being a Larry, okay? Don't screw Larry up very often, but I sure don't know what your name is there. Biddinga bong, the dang dang dang, dinga dong, dong.

Wamba da dang, a ding, a dong, dong. Well, that was closer. Thank you very much. Maybe I will go to Arby's now. Sorry, the offer's off. Larry's pissed. Oh, you big baby. Anyways.

I like unusual, man. I don't know about some of these celebrities, man. It's almost like they're giving their baby's goofy names just to be different. It's kind of pretentious when it comes from a celebrity. When I meet some guy out in the middle of Oklahoma lives in the backwoods and he named his kid Driftwood or chainsaw or bird feeder. Like to me, that's real, you know? What do you mean like Gwyneth Paltrow or someone?

Oh, what's your child's name? name. Apple. I'm sorry? Apple. You mean like the fruit? No, like the computer. We had a keyboard installed on the back of her head when she was just born because she's so intelligent. And she has an apple icon on her ass cheek. I made it with Steve Jobs just so I could give birth to her. Okay, pretentio. Anyways, who am I to talk? Harland. Where the hell's that name from?

You know what Harlan means? You want to know? It means groovy guy who does a radio podcast called the Harland Highway. And guess what, people? You are on the Harland Highway, and I want to thank you for being here. I hope you had fun today. Why don't we go out, listen to a few more phone messages, and, you know, spread a little more phone love.

Just remember, keep your cell phone conversations to about two decibels below a sonic boom, if you can. Love you guys. Thanks for hanging out. We'll catch you next time on the Harlan Highway. Until then, chicken chow main, baby. Hello? Hello?

These are your two biggest fans rocking it out at Heritage Cleaners in Parker, Colorado, and we love you, Harland. This is Lauren and Jessica, and if you play this on the air, well, then that just proves how cool you are, Harlan. We love you. Bye. Hey, anything for you, ladies. Thanks for

listening. Harlan, man, you rock. Playlist is amazing. You rock out, man. Stay black. Play it. Wait a minute. What'd you call me? Play it. And I should stay what? Stay black. But wait a minute. I'm white, dude. Stay black. Yeah, I hear that. But what should I do if I'm white? Stay black.

Okay, I'm going to do it. I'm officially black now. Thanks, buddy. When he first came on, man, I was kind of, didn't like you, but starting to be pretty funny. Hey, you know what? Thank you, man. That's what it's all about, right? You hear something new.

Sometimes you're a little iffy on it. You're like, who is this guy? Where did he come from? What's he talking about? But I'll tell you what, folks. You give old Harley here a chance. I'm pretty sure I'm going to put a smile on your face sooner or later. I think you're going to like it here on the Harlan Highway.

Harlan, you're pathetic. You're so pathetic. You could walk into the wall with a heart on and break your nose. Hey, buddy, you know what I got to say to that? Stay black. Yeah, right on, brother. Keep it here on the Harlan Highway.