The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 17

Episode Date: July 11, 2013

Last flashback show for awhile gang! My vacation is over and NEW shows resume on Monday, sweeeeet. But enjoy this classic never placed in the archives! And have a happy burnt onion day!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is Donkey Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. everybody you're on the harland highway with me your host harland williams and and this can't be a good idea i i don't want to do this next bit but i am being forced my producers like hey it's summertime you know we should be talking about summer and camping and sing songs and campfires and i'm like yeah yes you know we could and he goes i've got an idea let's bring my son timmy in and he can sing some campfire songs and kind of, you know, tell your listeners, you know, how to do campfire songs. And I'm like, no, no way. And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah, way.

So here we are. I got Timmy King is here. Hi, Timmy. Hi. So what, you're going to sing? You got a guitar or anything? Yeah, I have a guitar. I can't play very well, but I'll try.

Listen. Okay, stop. No, listen. Stop it. Stop it. What's the matter with you, ass? Okay, look, Timmy, just sing us a campfire song, and let's get out of here, okay? There ain't no flies on us.

There ain't no flies on us. There might be flies on some of you guys, but there ain't no flies on us. What the hell was that? That's a campfire song. What does that mean there ain't no flies on us? Well, you know, there's flies all over the forest, like mosquitoes and stuff, so, you know, can I do one more? All right, do one more campfire song and then out. Okay, take it easy, ass.

Stop calling me that. Oh, Papa don't preach. I'm in trouble. no papa don't preach what are you doing shut up i'm singing papa because i made up my mind i'm keeping the baby oh papa don't get out i'm sorry about that people he's gone singing madonna and flies and all this idiot i'm keeping the baby get out carlo williams have a great summer Oh, keeping the baby! Get out!

Harlan Williams. Yeah, it's me. It's me. You got me. Guilty as charged, Your Honor. Throw the book at me. Wouldn't that be great if that's the way the justice system worked? You know, you get these low-lifes, these child predators, and these drug dealers, and these hardened criminals.

and they get yanked into court and it all just seems a little too easy, doesn't it? When they get convicted, you're going to jail for 20 years. You'll be in a sanitized cell. Your clothes will be washed for you. You'll get three square meals a day.

The government will pay for your medical and your education. You'll be trained for a career, blah, blah, Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay, so they're locked up for 20 years or life still. It just feels a little too easy for them, doesn't it? When they say throw the book at someone, I think they should really throw a book at someone. They should let the families of the victims or the victims themselves.

We're going to throw the book at you. For capital murder in the first degree, we are throwing the book at you. Which book would you like to throw, Mrs. Johnson? Well, he murdered my husband. I'd really love to throw Stephen King's The Shining, just right at his head. Go ahead. Thank you. Can I do it again?

Yes, go ahead. Wouldn't that be nice? and for these priests that molests little boys you know the molesting priests or they molest girls and boys and just bad priests oh i'd like to throw the book at them you know a book i'd want to throw at them right the book the good book because that sucker's always heavy you get a nice hard cover hit him right in the forehead with one of the corners Father, forgive me for I have sin. Father, forgive me for I have sin. I forgive me for I. Should be able to actually physically throw the book at these scumbags. Yeah.

A whole series of Hardy Boy mysteries. Some Nancy Drew mysteries. Love to throw a harlequin romance at some kind of peeping Tom or sex pervert, right? throw a cookbook at a fat guy just inflict a little damage because criminals inflict a lot of damage on us now switching gears totally do you still pick your nose

I know I really took a left turn there probably the same left turn your finger takes when it's digging up your nasal cavity I know it's not the prettiest topic And when I say to you still pick your nose I'm not talking to eight-year-olds That are now 11-year-olds I know this is a weird topic

Okay But I'm going to ask you We're all grown-ups Well, not all of us But for the grown-ups listening The 30 are over crowd, okay? You know, the ones who go and get their nails done and their hair done and they buy expensive suits and shoes and, you know, have designer

underwear and $300 ties and a leather briefcase and your hair quaffed and your skin conditioner on. Let me ask you, how many of you still pick your nose? Huh? Come on. Be honest. Don't. No, don't. I want you to say, say it out loud right now. I want you to say, no, I never pick my nose anymore. My finger never goes up my nose and pulls out a nugget. Or I want you to be honest and say, yes, I still pick my nose. I'm sorry. Such a gross topic. But, you know, I'm going to go out on a ledge here and be really unsexy for a minute and say, the reason I'm asking is the other day I caught myself picking my knows i know i hate to even tell you people it's awful but i was busy working and i didn't want to get up

and yeah i don't even want to go into it i don't want to gross you people out i don't want to turn you off the harland highway but let ye who is without a booger nugget flick the first snot okay Because I have a sneaky feel and everybody still does it. And I'm going to stop right there. I'm not going to go down the road about what you do with it or anything like that. Because it's just, it's making me squeamish. But I hope everyone else still does it. Now, I'm not saying I do it all the time, but every now and then it happens, right?

Even though you're mature and you're grown up and you've got a career and money in the bank, and a family and a fancy BMW sitting out there in the garage. You probably pick your nose in that thing. BMW, booger, mover, worker, I don't know, something, BMW, the letter B stands for booger. I don't care what the rest stands for. It's booger something, something. you put it together but

I don't know it's just something you probably do without even thinking about it maybe it's your inner child I'm gonna pick my nose now I don't care I don't care that he just closed a $300 billion

oil deal with China I'm gonna pick my here we go I'll show him who's in charge of this Oh, there we go. Ah. Yeah.

So maybe we're not all that grown up. Yeah, I know, and you don't fart either, right? And you don't do all kinds of other stuff. Sure. You're above all of us. You're perfect. Right, sure. Which finger do you use?

news, liar. Anyways, bad topic, disgusting topic. I just threw it out there because I try to be an open book here. Can I throw it a book at you? And just talk about everything that comes into my mind, into my head. And if you want to talk about something, here's what you do. If you think you have a better topic or even if you have a horrific topic like I just brought up, like picking your nose very uncouth if you think you have an idea or you have something you'd

like to hear me talk about write me harlandwilliams.com just log on to the website and it says right there send me a message you can join our mailing list you can watch some hilarious videos whatever you want to do but just write me and let me hear your topics because I'm sure they're going to be genius and I look forward to getting your mail here

on the Golden Nugget Harland Highway Hey good people of the world who are listening Harland Williams here on the Harland highway and I'm going to be honest I don't get bored doing this show

but I don't know why today I'm feeling a little bit bored and uh well you know what I got a Sharpie here you know the permanent magic markers let me just take the cap off and have a sniff here

oh okay okay okay okay let's that wasn't bad let's oh that was more like a snort really oh wow is that someone playing piano I hear in the background slow motion piano and a what's a I hear an opera singer man an opera singer and a And a moose, a moose calling it. Hang on. Oh, man. Oh, my God.

There's Chef Boyardee at my studio window. Hey, Chef, what's up? Raviolios, dude. What's up? Oh, God. Oh, God. It smells like the inside of Maryland. Manson's underwear drawer in here.

Look at the funny polka dots. Okay, I'm not feeling too bored anymore. I guess you're on the Harlan Road Street. You're on a high. You're on a Harlan high.

Yeah, you're on a Harlan Sharpie high. Oh, wow, George Michael, Thera Fawcett, and Smokey the Bear just walked in my room. Hey, guys, what's up? You want to snort? What do you mean, you're my manager? What? You're cutting me off. What do you mean?

Get the hell off the air. This is my radio show, man. Don't tell me what to... Hey, what? Don't pull that place. Yikes. snorting norton i almost ended my own radio show i almost canceled my own podcast here the harlan highway i guess you uh you figured out i got a habit man i don't snort cocaine i don't do the ape balls

i don't inject heroin yeah my drug of choice man sharpie dude oh yeah man i do sharpie i just take the lid off And I trip out, baby Hey man, you want to buy some sharpies? Yeah, how much? I'll give you three for $400. Yeah, okay, dude, that sounds good. Is it really quality stuff? Oh, yeah, man, I got them right from staples.

No way, man. You got some staples gold? Oh, yeah, this stuff is the real stuff, Primo. Primo, right from the pin aisle, man. I got Sharpie, right out of Staples. Oh, man, this is... Wow, how much? I said $900.

I thought you said... I said $1,000. Oh, okay, man, that's what I think. Can I get a free sample, man? Yeah, go ahead, dig a sniff. Oh, man, that stuff is tripping like... Oh, wow. that's like leaving a permanent marker stain on my like brain dude yeah man it's good stuff

give me the money get out of here all right give me the sharpie can i draw you the money what the hell you're talking about i'm broke man but if you give me the sharpie i i can draw you some fake money before i snored it yeah drug habits drinking habits illegal drugs got the habit the old habit it's hard isn't it it's hard to watch a close friend or someone you love go down that road what's even harder is watching someone you care about and and they're kind of in denial about it right and they kind of keep doing it and they're not only in denial about it that you know, they're in denial, but they're also in denial about the fact that they think that they're tricking you, that you don't know about their habit, that you don't see the bottles

laying around, and you don't smell the alcohol on their breath, and you don't see the kind of redness in their eyes, and everywhere they go, they kind of need to order something, you know? And you don't know what to say. you want to intervene and then you go but yeah should i and oh man and then they're just going to get upset and it's tough it's tough when you see someone not being healthy with themselves and you can't figure out whether you need to jump in or not jump in and they're doing a kind of an okay job of hiding it so you're in that nether world or you think they're kind of like an addict but you're not 100% sure so you don't want to be the jackass that says hey man you got a

drinking problem or you got a drug problem and they're like what the hell you're talking about it's like look you always have this you and they oh man don't be such a pussy come on grow up but what i can't have a drink with dinner well yeah you can have a drink with dinner but it's before dinner and after dinner and when you first wake up and for lunch and breakfast and snack time and all the other times that you wrap around the dinner. And so it can just get confusing, you know? It's almost like you need something big to happen. Like, you know, they have an accident or they walk into a wall

or they do something so atrocious that you can finally point to it and they can't deny it. Because a lot of addicts will deny anything you throw at them. Like, no, man, no wrong. That wasn't me. That was you. or no that was him it wasn't me i don't know what you're talking about i don't drink excuse me but maybe if some big event happens and they can't look the other way then you can

kind of go see look this is what's going on this is what causes it's time to get help but even then when everyone's made the acknowledgment yes you know right you know what i am i I do have a problem. I am an addict. Yes, absolutely. And you're like, oh, thank God they admitted it. Yes, I'm an addict. You got me. I'm going to be man or woman enough to step up and acknowledge my problem. Now, would you please pass me that drink and let me smoke my joint? Wait a minute. You just said, yes, I'm agreeing with you. I admit it. I am that person. And now that we all know it, now that we've all cleared the air, that I'm an addict, don't I just have a drink and have a toke?

And we all know what's what now. No more secrets, no more hiding. Now I can just do it, and I'm not trying to deceive anybody. Oh, in that case, here, here's a bottle, and let me rule you fatty. Thank you. I'm glad we're saying eye to eye. By the way, why do you have four eyes? Because you're hammered.

That's right. Yes, I am. Thank you. but they always say you know if you really love somebody you just you got to be honest no matter what the consequence whether you hurt their feelings or you hurt them you know if you really love them you'll help them the problem is when they're when they're trapped in that world of being an addict they can't see it sometimes because part of being an addict is it creates a murky cloudy haze around the actual attic they don't think straight because their mind isn't straight

they're they're tooting and they're tipping and they're injecting and oh sad so i don't know if you've got a problem try to step up to the plate and address it and get healthy a problem. I don't know. It's a toughie. It's your call, but good luck. Godspeed.

And man, what am I doing getting all serious here? What the hell? How did I roll into the whole addict thing? Hello? Isn't there something fun to talk about? Like, isn't there a carnival in town or some candy floss?

Some pink peanuts and popcorn. God, candy floss is gross. When was the last time you had candy floss? Right? That big, that fluffy pink or blue stuff. It's just like fluffy sugar. Like if clouds were made of sugar, that's what candy floss is. And the texture, it feels like an old man's hair.

It's got kind of that squeaky texture and a real dry feeling to it. It's like you're running your fingers through some old guy's hair at the senior's home. He fell asleep in his wheelchair, and you're like, hmm, nobody's looking. I think I'll run my fingers through old man Johnson's scalp. Hmm. I just love the feel of that crackling hair and that stiff, crispy hair running through my fingers. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's nice.

Oh, I cut myself. Ow. Hmm. There's someone with red hair. Looks like candy floss. Hmm. Candy floss is made out of hair. I just realized old people's hair is candy floss.

What a discovery. Okay. Really stupid. maybe we got to just switch gears and go to go to some of my voicemail maybe hear what someone else has to say let's check it out see what's going on

with my voicemail here on the Harland Highway Hey Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway and thank you everybody for calling me on my message machine Hello, Harlan. This is Dr. Kavorkin calling. I just wanted to see how you were feeling today. And if you were okay, are you depressed?

I can help you to feel better, Harlan. Would you like to make an appointment with me today, Harlan? I have to go now. This is Dr. Cavorky. signing off. Wow. Okay, thanks, Dr. Kavorkin. Yeah, I'll make an appointment with you, and then how about I make an appointment with a child services counselor? Will you make your morbid crank phone calls? Well, your children are huddled at your feet.

How about that? What a freak, man. Who else we got? I'm going to try to make this as brief as possible. Harlan, you are the farthest thing from me. funny since muscular, excuse me, since muscular sclerosis, my friend. Don't mind my idiot friend. He has no sense of the right or all. But anyway, I'm telling you, man, you're not funny. You are not funny. I've tried to listen to you. I've tried to like you. You're not funny. Give it up. Wow. So all my reoccurring tonight show appearances, you're not funny. All my lettermans, my Conan O'Brien's, my Jimmy Kimmel's. not funny. My over 30 movies, something about Mary, dumb and dumber, half-baked, Rocket

Man, no. I'm telling you, man, you're not funny. My HBO stand-up special, my Comedy Central specials, my sold-out club appearances all over the country and in other parts of the world. Harlan, you are the farthest thing from funny. Wow, not even my award-nominated comedy specials, my award-nominated radio show, the one you're listening to, the fact that I won, thank God you're here for funniest person, none of that matters? I'm telling you, man, you're not funny. Wow, do I have egg on my face? And to think for the last 20 years, I've been making millions of dollars being a professional funny person. And I didn't know I wasn't funny until thank God you came along and alerted me. I'm telling you, man, you're not funny. Yeah, but I

You're not funny. Okay, you're right. I guess you know best. I'm not funny. Give it up. Next message. Hey, Harlan, I just wanted to let you know that I think that guy that called, I told you that your show is crap. I think there's something seriously wrong with him.

I think he does need to talk to Dr. Ascott. So I wanted to let you know that you do have one of the best shows that are out there, and I'll never stop listening. And I want you to have a good weekend. Have a good one, Harlan. Bye. Okay. No, I'm okay. Thank you. Thank you for that. Thank you for giving me back with that man before you took away from me.

But he said I'm not funny. I think there's something seriously wrong with him. What do I do? I'm so mixed up. I'm so confused. Hello, Harlan. This is the doctor. I can help you to feel better, Harlan.

Would you like to make an appointment with me today? Oh, no! You're riding home with Harlan Williams. Oh, God. I love it, man. I just love it. That's what I love about art. It is so subjective, you know?

Whether you're an entertainer, you're a graphic artist, you're a photographer, you're a painter, you're a dancer, you're a singer. It's just, it's so subjective. And as someone in the arts, I have to just let stuff go when people don't like it and just embrace it when people do like it. But believe it or not, despite the negativity, because I don't really love it when people just, you know, with the stroke of it,

a brush, wipe out everything you've ever done and they don't realize how hard it is and all the effort you've put into it. You know, it's like movie critics. They forget how much work goes into a movie.

You know, they'll just call it a living piece of crap and they don't realize that thousands of people spend thousands of hours, toiling and laboring and trying their best to put out a good product. And I don't mind, I don't mind intelligent criticism, but some of these critics just

slam stuff beyond, beyond really where they deserve to go with it. But what I do love is that, you know, people voice their opinions, and it's actually kind of fun to hear people so passionate when they don't like something. It's equally rewarding when people do like it. But I got to say, I'm not entirely offended. I like it that people voice their thoughts, their opinions. And believe it or not, somewhere deep down inside, it makes me kind of, I don't know, work all the harder. And it's not one of these things.

It's like, oh, I need your acceptance. It's not like a daddy syndrome thing. Oh, no, I better try. harder because I want everyone to love me oh no because if it was that then you would try to find out what they liked and just cater to what they liked hoping that they'd like you but that's that's a surefire way to never have a career as an artist is by just placating everybody so that's part of the beauty that this guy doesn't get the guy with the negativity with the criticism he doesn't get it that look i do what i do and most artists real artists do what they do and

and they're doing what they got to do and they're doing doing it the way they know how to do it and they can't change it and they don't want to change it for you you know just because someone doesn't like a Picasso doesn't mean Picasso's going to paint in a whole different style he's doing it for him it's he's expressing himself so for people to just dump on it is you know it's easy it's easy to do but that being said i i actually enjoy it it makes me laugh because i don't know it's it's just as long as it doesn't get too carried away i mean i can take a certain amount of criticism after after a while it can build up but it just makes me laugh to hear someone get so animated over how much they don't like what you do and it becomes almost comedic and it

makes me want to keep doing what i'm doing even more to see how how high i can raise this guy's thermometer would you please stop trying to be funny i'm going to blow up but anyways keep your letters coming your calls coming and uh whoever you are you know you must not like you might you must not dislike it that much or why would you even be able to form an opinion and make a comment if you weren't listening and if you're listening there must be something there that you like Maybe the part you like is the part I'm about to do right now where I say goodbye and I end the show. Is that the part you like?

You haters? Well, haters, lovers, in betweeners, I love y'all. You're always welcome here on the Harlan Highway. I respect and value your opinions. And I'm having a good time bringing you this wild part. podcast so we'll see you next time looking forward to it until then chicken chow maine baby i'm telling you man you're not funny oh no