The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 18

Episode Date: August 12, 2013

Another great flashback show that never made it into the archives. Still just as creamy as the current shows!! Yummmm! Scrape your scrap!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Ah! Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. To the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important.

My name is Donkey Tina, and I'm going to kill you. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Hey, this is Harland Williams on the Harland Highway. And do you get like I do? Do you get panic attacks? And I don't mean from everyday life. I mean when you're driving and all of a sudden from out of nowhere four fire trucks or an ambulance or a cop car pulls up behind you out of nowhere.

You look in your rearview mirror, there's lights, flashing there's people swerving there's the big truck speeding at you and everyone around you kind of goes into this weird what do i do where do i go what i think i'm supposed to pull over to the right and people are like pulling and stopping and you're panicking and you're how many of you have almost crashed but i'm not going to lie to you people man i age about 12 years every time A convoy of fire trucks comes up behind me Or a squad of cop cars or an ambulance I mean, I'm just, you know, driving along

Humming to my lead Zeppelin And all of a sudden, it's like a circus is coming through town Whew, whew, whew, whip, whip, whip, whip, whew, whew. I'm like, ah, what do I do I do? Do I pull over to the right? Do I pull over to the left? Do I stop in the middle of the intersection? Do I turn around?

Should I put a U-turn? Maybe I'll light myself on fire. They can pull over and put me out. Ah, I'm so confused. I'm having a panic attack. Total meltdown, right? And everyone around you, too, they're driving like it's, it's like all of a sudden you're driving on a road in the Dominican Republic.

There's no streetlights. There's no rules. There's no stop signs. It's a free-for-all. It's like you're at the derby. the smash-up derby everyone's just like pulling every which way but loose driving up on the sidewalk slamming on the brakes but then the smart thing to do to calm yourself is right when that last fire truck goes by man you pull out and you drift right in its wake you get right behind it

man and you just fly down there well all those other people are slowly pulling out from the curb again Well, the fire trucks are gone. I guess we can inch our way back out. Yeah, well, they're slowly making the way back to the road. Uh-uh. You just zoom out. Join the convoy, man. Watch how fast you get down the street.

That's the only positive residual effect of my panic attacks. Thank you, fire department. Keep on saving lives. Get the defibrillators because I just had a heart attack. when you showed up in my rearview mirror here on the Harland Highway. Woo! Oh, yeah. Wow. The police, ambulance, and fire trucks of our cities and towns and rural communities and farm country.

You know, I got to be honest, if I drove one of those vehicles, if I was an ambulance driver or a cop and let me ask you this wouldn't you just turn on the siren just for the hell of it you know even when there's no emergency let's say you just you know you're on your lunch break and if you sat in traffic it would take you 18 minutes to get over to your favorite drive-thru right but if you just flicked on that little siren and woo woo woo you know flashing lights Tell me you wouldn't be at the drive-thru in about three and a half minutes. I think you'd have to do it at least once. Just use that power, man.

The power of the flashing lights and the siren. Yeah, we got a Big Mac emergency. We got some small fries on the side. Yeah, we got to get some, we got to get a frosty milk check. Woo, woo, woo, whoo, who. Get on that speaker. Get out of the way. Place emergency.

Chicken, Nugget large fries emergency quarter pounder with cheese big mac and taco bell grande emergency please get your vehicles to the side of the road woo woo woo woo whew supersize your vehicle to the side of the road yeah oh yeah i'd do it man i would use that siren for everything man If I saw like a bird fly in front of my window, Woo, woo, get out of my way. Ah! Anything.

Just for fun, just to scare people. And don't you get scared when you're the one getting pulled over? Right? It's like you could be an angel. You could be Mother Teresa. You could be Pope John Paul, the 20, or however many of them there are. And there's just something so intimidating about that,

those flashing lights and the cop car and the impending doom. Like the minute you get pulled over, you get the butterflies and your stomach start flying and you get all nervous and your brain's racing. You're like, okay, where did I bury the bodies? No, no, I've never killed anyone. Okay, what about the house I lit on fire? No, I've never done that.

Okay, don't tell them about the caria stole. Wait a minute, I've never done that. Wait, I've never done anything. But you immediately go into guilt mode, right? Because you're just, it's just guilty by association. They're pulling me over. I must have done something. Oh, my God, who did I kill this time?

Wait, wait a minute, I'm a pastor over at St. Timothy's. Shiver me timbers. I do the Lord's work. why should the officer be pulling me over then On a fine, fine day like this Here you go, officer, have a potato Well, I'd much rather have some chicken McNuggets Well, then let me go with you to McDonald's son

Excellent idea, father Woo, woo, woo, woo, whew, anyways And then you're always fumbling for your stuff, right? You go through the glove compartment license and registration please you're like oh my god it's it's like someone just asked you to do a jigsaw puzzle your mind goes all crazy right you open your wallet that you've opened a million times and all of a sudden you're like fumble fingers you're like oh oh okay my license i'm where is it oh my god you start fumbling through all your your library card and your blockbuster card and for some reason it's

always the last card you find just when the cops pull you over it's here somewhere officer you're reaching into all the folds of your wallet and flipping through your purse and it's right there in front of you but you get all panicky registration please too ma'am oh yes officer then you pull open that glove compartment right that you never open and it's just full of like there's a loaf of moldy bread in there and there's like ketchup from the fast those little packets of ketchup are all over I know it's in you somewhere sir let me see if I can fight it hang on oh wait a minute is that it no you got receipt in there and you got you got papers and you got all kinds of crap in there hang on officer do you mind if I do a little origami well well I'm looking look at that a swan it's crazy and then finally you find it you go oh here it is officer and he's like Yes, ma'am. This is your registration. Well, good. It's from 1957. It expired 62 years ago. Oh, hold on. Let me get the other...

Forget it, ma'am. Why don't you just speed on home and get the hell out of my face? Thank you, officer. I thought I'd see it your way. Here, have a panda. Thank you for the origami, ma'am. And some of the dumbasses these cops have to deal with, right? You ever hear some of these dumbass 9-1-1 calls? You know what? Why don't we play one right now? One of these dumb-ass 911 calls and see how tough it is to work in law enforcement

when they have to deal with us, the commoners, the public, the humans that ain't all that smart sometimes. Check it out here on the Harland Highway. Hi. I'm at the corner of Pleasant Hill and John Young Parkway. I'm in a Walgreens parking lot, and my car will not start. I'm locked inside my car. I cannot open my car. I can't get the windows down. Nothing electrical works. And it's getting very hot in here, and I'm not feeling well. I need some help. Are you able to pull the lockup on the door and open the door? You should be able to just pull the lockup, even if it's electrical. I've tried it. Okay, okay.

All right, I got that going. Okay. So are you able to get out of the car now? Yes, I got the door open. Okay. All righty. I'll see if I can get AAA or something. Okay, thank you.

Wow. Can you believe it? Locked in her car. doesn't realize all you have to do is pull up the lock. And the scary part is, people, this person has a valid driver's license. That person's out there driving around at over 20 miles an hour. They don't know how to open their door and step out of their car and they're driving. I mean, what are they going to do when they get to a street light where there's those three confused?

using lights and all the colors. Uh, yeah, 911, I'm at the, um, intersection, and the lights keep changing colors. Is there, are they broken? Like, why are they? What colors are they, ma'am? Well, the first it's green, and then it goes yellow, and then it's red, and what, is it Christmas around here, or what? Ma'am, those are the street lights. Well, why are they, why aren't they just one color? I don't understand. I've been sitting

here for almost three and a half weeks i'm getting hungry ma'am when the light turns green you can drive oh and when it turns yellow you you kind of slow down okay what about the red well you stop ma'am well i that i'm stopped now what color is the light now ma'am it's yellow no it's green okay you can go man ma'am okay thank you so much for clearing this all up you're welcome ma'am and merry christmas it's the middle of summer ma'am i know but all the festive lights you know happy holidays same to you ma'am have a good day thank you wow oh but don't worry it gets worse man it gets a lot worse you you want to hear more you want to hear how dumb we get. You're going to love this one, man.

Check this 911 call out. Where this dumbass, just I won't even explain it anymore. Have a listen. Jack, Parman, how can I help you? Yeah, I'm over here, I'm over here at Burger King, right here in San Clemente. No, not San Clemente. I'm sorry.

I live in San Clemente. I'm in Magoon and a gal, I think. That's where I'm at. I'm at a dry food right now. Uh-huh. I ordered my food three times. They're mopping the floor inside the night. I understand they're busy.

They're not even busy. Okay, I've been to only car here. I asked them four different times to make me a Western barbecue burger. Okay, they keep giving me a hamburger with lettuce, tomato, and cheese onions. And I said, I'm not leaving. I want a Western burger because I just got my kids from Taekwondo. They're hungry. I'm on my way home, and I live in San Clemente.

Okay. She gave me another hamburger. It's wrong. I said, four times. I said, I want it. She goes, can you go out and park in front? I said, no. I want my hamburger right.

So then the lady came to the manager. whoever she is, she came up and she said, you want your money back? And I said, no, I want my hamburger. My kids are hungry, and I have to jump on that toll freeway. I said, I am not leaving this spot, and I said, I will call the police because I want my Western burgers done right. Now, is that so hard? Okay, what exactly is that you want us to do for you?

I send an office to you down here. I want them to make me the right. Ma'am, we're not going to go down there and enforce your Western Bacon Cheeseburgers. What am I supposed to do? This is between you and the manager. We're not going to go enforce how to make a hamburger. That's why that's not a criminal issue. There's nothing criminal there.

So I just sit here, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. You need to calmly and rationally speak to the manager and figure out what to do between you. She did come up, and I said, can I please have my West Hamberger? She said, I'm not dealing with you. She walked away. Because they're mopping the floor, and it's awful as sad, and they don't want to run. They don't want to go through there and.

And, ma'am, then I suggest you get your money back and go somewhere else. This is not a criminal issue. We can't go out there and make them make you a cheeseburger the way you want it. Well, that is, that, you're supposed to be here to protect me. What are we protecting you from a wrong cheeseburger? No. It's just like, is this a harmful cheeseburger or something? I don't understand what you want us to do.

Well, just come down here. I'm not leaving. No, ma'am, I'm not sitting the deputies down there over a cheeseburger. You need to go in there and act like an adult and either get your money back and go home. I think he has not acting like an adult herself. I'm sitting here in my car. I just want them to make my kids a Western burger. Yeah, this is what I suggest.

I suggest you get your money back from the manager and you go on your way home. Okay. Okay. Bye-bye. Oh, are you kidding me? Are you effing kidding me? And I think you know what the effing means. We are not going to enforce your Western bacon cheeseburger.

Oh, my God. I love how calm and cool she is. How do you not snap at people like that, man? Man, we are not going to enforce your bacon, western cheeseburger. Can you imagine if that's what the police did? SWAT team arrives at a Burger King. Everybody breached. Come out of the building.

Come out of the building with your Western bacon cheeseburger over your head. Keep both your burgers in the air. This is the SWAT team. freeze everybody freeze put down the curly fries put down the curly fries put down the curly fries and step backwards put down the shamrock shake and move away from the building move good lord this chick wanted the cops to come and help her get the right burger guys they got to get fed up right i'm gonna i'm gonna do one last nine one call for you and this is a guy that probably got so bored with the job or just needed to find a way to break the monotony or probably

had one too many stupid calls like this that he just kind of like decided to have a little fun with it and um check out this quick little 911 call here on the harland highway completely out of control and i i can't physically if she's the big as i am i can't control us okay did you want us to come over to shoot her are you there excuse me uh that's a joke okay so are you what is your name mike forbes okay that's not funny my i'm going to follow a formal complaint that i don't blame you a bit um mike forbes the way he said it he just sounded so busted didn't he like just all the air without it. What is your name? Mike Forbis, and my career is over. You gotta love it though, man.

You know, it's ladies whining that are kids too fat, and he's like, what do you want us to do? Come over and shoot her. Hey, you know what? You shoot the kid, then you got a legitimate 911 call. 9-1-1, how may we help you? I'd like to report a shooting Okay, what happened, ma'am Well, I called 911 earlier And said something really retarded Yes, ma'am And so I shot my kid

Yes Because the 911 guy Advised that we shoot him So I told them to come over and shoot him Yes And so now we got a shot kid Because I called you in the first place Excellent ma'am

Have you thought about shooting yourself? Oh, that's a good idea Hold on. Thank you very much, ma'am. Ma'am? Hello, ma'am. All right, we got another one, boys. Yeah, ooh.

Woo, woo, woo, whee! Yeah! That'd be funny if these guys, you know, were collecting bounty on dumbasses. Oh, they'd have a whole warehouse filled, I'll tell you. There's a lot of those, man. a lot of those oh god look all you 911 retards okay and i hate to use that word but what else can i say you know just figure out the simple things in life don't be calling 911 because you can't find

your hairbrush let the good folks of law enforcement get their jobs done okay and concentrate on rounding up the bad boys go get your own damn cheeseburger and uh let our police do their police work getting all them bad bad boys off the street bad boys bad boys what you're going to do what you're going to do when they come for you harland williams with you on the harland highway and do you ever watch the news and you ever watch the news and you see these jackasses that try to outrun the cops, but not on the street, man. I'm talking about these guys that try to outrun the cops at night, okay? And they get the helicopters overhead with the infrared vision and the heat sensors,

and they got this light that's like Carnegie Hall. It's this bright, bright spotlight, and these guys jump out of their cars where they're moving, and they start running down the road and through neighborhoods. and inevitably they always get caught. They get surrounded by 9,000 cops. But most of them, this is the reaction. They just dive on the ground, put their hands behind their head and give up.

But let's face it, you're obviously going to jail for a long time. You stole a car, you robbed a bank, whatever. It's kind of your last shot at glory. You're spending the rest of your days behind bars. Wouldn't you want to, in that last moment, since you got the spotlight on you and you got a captive live audience,

the whole world's watching live on TV, this crazy car chase. Would you want to take that last moment to make a curtain call? And instead of flopping on the ground and giving up with your hands on your head, would you just want to like stand in the spotlight with your chest out,

put your hand in the air, and look up to the television cameras in the helicopter, and the light beaming down, your body glowing, bathing in the beautiful spotlight, and you just do your finale. Touch me.

There's no reason to feel me. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la You know, just break into some kind of musical song or Opera La la la la la la la la la la la la man you've got your final moment take it That's all I'm saying When you're in the spotlight

Take it Or if you're on the Harland Highway stuff it with me harle williams yeah i mean come on man like treat that moment of glory like it's your own uh primetime special right it's like uh you know pharaoh faucet when she had the cancer she had that that special and you know there's a big sporting event they have a special or uh you know is an after-school special or there's, you know, some big broadcast event, the State of the Union address, you know, they dump all the other feed, right?

It's that moment. They get rid of all their programmed shows, all their scheduled shows, and they always dump away for big, big events, car chases, news flashes. So there you go. You're on NBC, Fox, ABC. that's the cool thing about these car chases is every network picks them up now when you're watching a hit show on television you're not watching like lost or friends or signfield or uh the hills or whatever the hell you watch two men and a baby or whatever that charlie sheen show is you don't watch them simultaneously on every network But when you do a crime and you go on a nice car chase, man, you own the networks, and plural, you own them all.

This fall on Fox TV, coming to NBC this fall. CBS proudly presents Harland Williams in Car Chase. Yeah, man, primetime special. I just wish you got some of those primetime advertising dollars, man. It's what a corporation should start to do is get sponsorship, right? Get sponsorship for these car chases. Like scout the criminal jails, scout all the penitentiaries, and find these car chase guys. And just, you know, slap a Coca-Cola logo.

on the side of their Ford Pinto or a Tide logo on the side of a minivan, right? Or Depends Diper logo or something. And then just send them off, slip them a few bucks, send them off on a three-hour car chase. Oh, my God. I mean, look, the stock cars do it. The Formula One cars, the Indy 500, they're plastered with logos. they're just going around in a circle lulling you to sleep you know maybe a few hundred thousand people watch you know it's on ESPN or the sports network or versus but man you

put your your logo on one of these car chase cars you got all the networks prime time watching your product whale down the road see i'm a marketing genius but you know i should know all about cars and things like that because you know you i am on the harland highway and so that's what i deal in motor traffic and you i deal with you mostly with you and on that note i want to say thank you for driving down the harland highway with me i hope you had fun um thanks for coming out to the show i'm having a blast um tell your friends send those them a link tune them into harland williams.com get them subscribed onto the harland highway the more people i can gather the more fun this is the more feedback we get the more we build and build

until the highway is so crowded that you can't even move and you're sitting there in the sweltering heat you're like what happened to the days when there was only six or seven cars on this highway takes me seven hours to get home now no No, no, there'll be none of that. It's always going to be fast and fun and furious. So, until next time, don't get into any police chases. Keep the pedal to the metal and keep it right here on the Harland Highway. Chicken chalmy, baby.

Ma'am, we're not going to go down there and enforce your western bacon cheeseburger.