The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 19

Episode Date: August 22, 2013

Another juicy flashback show to get you caught up on epps 1-42. Just as succulent as the current beef!! Chips ahoy my toy!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You may go still important. You are important. My name is Donkey Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Welcome, Earth-Lang, and villagers and cottage dwellers and even people who live in pretentious lofts downtown and pretend their photographers um hello

welcome to the Harland Highway what a T-R-E-A-T treat what a treat good to have you here as always on the podcast still love saying that podcast um hey do you like to eat do you even eat are you one of those food snobs can't eat makes me crap right um here's the thing you ever have this happen you're out eating right you're having a nice

meal you might even be by yourself you're on the fly you're going to uh you know you have to stop in at a restaurant or a fast food joiner. Maybe you're even with people, you know, it's not a fancy place, or it could be. And your foods put down and you're eating it and you're taking in the aroma and you're savoring the ambiance and the flavors that are exploding in your mouth and all the gastronomical pleasures that go along with eating. And then all of a sudden, someone from the staff or the the cleaning staff decides, gee, I think it's time to mop the floor. I think it's time to windex the tabletops. And suddenly you're going from eating a nice meal, your saliva glands drooling,

to your nostrils are assaulted with the smell of pneumonia and floor bleach and windex. You ever have that? And then, you know, this dirty mop, it looks like one of the, those things he used to fly around in Ronald McDonaldville or whatever. What were those things called? The little French fry monsters with the eyes on them? Remember, they'd run around with the hamburger, and all they could say was French fries, French fries, French fries. And meanwhile, they're made of French fries, I don't know.

But these mops, these dirty gray mops with cigarettes, barrette butts and fake eyelashes and toenail clippings and a lemon rind and starts like slithering its way under your table and near your feet and it's like a giant rotten jellyfish crawled up off the beach and is crawling around under your table and you're like wait what excuse me i'm trying to enjoy my um chicken picata here with a nice uh white wine sauce with capers and some butterflyed shrimp on the side and your rotten janitor mop is fumbling around at my feet and not only that but you're like you know it's like they're rowing a canoe when they're getting that mop going right it's in and out in and out, in and out.

And it's like, get that they're about two feet away from you. And they're bending this way. And that way their ass is in your face. And there's a handle in your face. Oh, my God. So note to all you restaurant owners. I don't care if you're a fancy steakhouse or your Arby's. Don't do your clean until the customers have cleared out, okay?

I'd rather live with a floor that has some microscopic dirt that I can't see with my human eyes than to have a cancer-infected gray mop sloshing around at my feet and the residue spray from a Windex bleach bottle misting me from table three right next to me. It's like I'm eating my lasagna while I stand in the mists of Niagara Falls. Thank you. It's like blue smurf piss spray floating all over my meal. Great. Waiter, this lasagna is delicious. What's in this? Um, pine saul? Mmm, I love a hint of pine in my meal. Thanks. So, uh, restaurant owners, leave, leave the clean until later. Okay, you'd never see me like grabbing my meal and running into a janitor's closet somewhere.

Excuse me, you don't mind if I eat my lunch. Lobster Florentine in here, do you? I just... I don't enjoy my meal unless I'm surrounded by mops and brooms and vacuums and people dressed in blue uniforms and janitorial cleaning supplies. It just doesn't make my meal robust and full unless I have the stink of lemon pledge and floor polish mixed in with my peccata cheese and my romaine lettuce. No, you get out of here right now. You get over to Steakhouse. My friend Charlie, he clean up at 9 o'clock.

You make reservation. I make sure he clean all around your table, 9 o'clock. Oh, would you do that for me? Yeah, I'd take care of it. I'd take care. Would you make sure he's got cigar butts and an old dead rodent? I'm tangled in his mop when he starts to clean. Yeah, I take care of it.

Go, please. Thank you so much. Good Lord. Okay? Just save your cleaning for later. All right, I got to get off this topic. But you know what? I'm going to play this and then I'm going to come back.

And I got some more beefs, pardon the ton, about eating at a restaurant. So stick with it. Go get cleaned off and check this out. And then we'll be right back here on the Harland Highway. Okay. We are getting spoiled by the amount of food we eat. The portions are huge. And now people are getting to the point where they're like, uh, waiter, excuse me, but, um, no, no, no, no, no. This plate of spaghetti is only four or five pounds. I'm going to need another five, six pounds of spaghetti on here. I mean, my, god i ordered a meal not an appetizer remember that scene in the flintstones the burger joint and the little waiter guy would come wandering out with a jumbo-sized dinosaur rib he'd put it on the side of their car and the whole car would tip over that's what we want now we just love to stuff it in there

Stuff it in there. Come on. Stuff it in there. Eat. And then you want your dessert just as big. Excuse me, waiter. This is just a piece of pie. Yeah, well, that's what you ordered a piece of pie.

No, no, no. You didn't hear me correctly. I ordered a whole pie. A whole pizza pie. Not piece of pie. Pizza pie Well, why would you eat a pizza pie for dessert? Because I'm not at my dessert yet, asswad.

I know I just had a 50-pound steak, but now I want a pizza pie, a whole pizza pie to wash it down, and then I'll get to dessert, okay? Okay, madam, would you like to just go into the kitchen? I bring you back. You can graze and just eat whatever you like. That sounds fabulous. How much is that?

Just do it, you fat pig. Oh, thank you. you oh try cutting back people try cutting some back bacon off a nice side of pork and enjoy oh okay so we're talking about food and let's just keep going for a little bit longer you know it's almost getting to the point where i should just stop eating because it sounds like all i'm doing is complaining yeah that's what i'll do i'll just exist the rest of my days on oxygen and water but here's another frustrating thing with food and i guess this happens mostly at breakfast but it could happen at dinner you ever order a meal and let's say it's breakfast we'll

start there and you order like um pancakes and maybe some eggs and some bacon right so i don't know if you've ever had eggs, I'm sure you have, unless you're against egging, whatever that means. But as you know, eggs, whether they're fried or scrambled or whatever, eggs lose their heat very fast, right? Eggs, eggs go cold pretty much within about the first two minutes. They start to go cold. And you do not want to eat cold eggs, man. You might as well just like, go to the cleaning closet and pull out a sponge and start, you know, ripping a sponge apart and eating that like popcorn. Because that's the texture.

That's the room temperature. So you order a pancake, some pancakes. You order a waffle. You order your eggs, your bacon. And pancakes lose their heat even more rapidly. Like they're starting to cool down the minute. they come out of that fry pan. Like honestly, a pancake goes cold to the world

in probably about a minute and a half. It's done, maybe even a minute. It's just like, screw this, man. It's like a cold-blooded lizard as the sun goes down, right? Just all heat escapes from its body and it just goes into coma mode. That sounds like a nice new brand of bathroom.

I would like to put on my coma mode and sit by the fireplace tonight, darling. Yeah, well, you do that while I go out and have an affair with your best friend, George. Excellent, darling, excellent. Dumbass. Thank you, darling. But my complaint here is, Zah, is that, you know, why do they bring all this food out at once? They put down the pancakes, which, you know, is a meal in itself almost, and then comes. the eggs and then the bacon and you pretty much have to start speed eating right because you don't

want the crap to get cold and you want to eat it all and they put it all there at once so i think it's like the only time i ever eat like you're in a marathon or something it's like okay give me some eggs give me some bacon give me a pancake give me some eggs give me the bacon give me the pancakes give me the hash browns give me the eggs take a sip of apple juice and get back to the eggs got to get Oh, my God, it's cold, forget it. But you only ate half your breakfast. Yeah, well, give it to an Eskimo. It's freezing.

Well, I'm part, Eskimo. Well, then you have it. Thanks, ass. Stop calling me that. Ass. And then I guess the same can happen if you're out for a fancy dinner, okay? You know the drill. You order a salad, which is cold already, so that's good.

But then you order the soup, right? You order that nice lobster bee. or some, you know, they always charge you like $900 for a soup because somehow having a soup at night drives the price of soup up versus soup for lunch. You could have the same damn soup at lunch for about $1.99. Suddenly the sun goes down and they jack the prices of soup up to like, you know, $12.99. Soup prices soar all over the world.

Then that sun comes up. I don't know. Soup is only $2.00! I don't know. But anyways, my point being, okay, they slap your soup down. And usually they're good at bringing the soup a little ahead of time, but a lot of waiters or waitresses that are trying to get you out of their table faster so they can get the next group of grazers in. They'll come and slap your meal down when you've only had like four or five spoonfuls, right? You got three quarters of your soup left.

Suddenly there's like a steaming ribai or a plate of pasta, which again, pasta gets cold really fast. And so now suddenly you're like speed. You just pick your soup up like a bowl and put it to your mouth and just get done. It's like you ever see college kids chug beer? Yeah, suddenly you're doing that with your spamoni soup or your lobster bisque or whatever the hell it is your your squash and broccoli bisk you're chugging soup man just so you can get to that

fat steak and so another word to the um the restaurant people okay and then i'm getting off the food topic altogether spread it out keep your eye on our meal watch us and pace it accordingly, okay? If you're serving breakfast, bring the pancake out first. Give us five, six minutes with the damn pancake. Then bring the other crap. At dinner, give us the soup. Wait till you see the dish is empty.

Come and take the dish and bring us our buffalo leg or zebra face or whatever we're eating. All right? There you go. Just trying to keep things in order for all you fine diners here. on the Harland Highway. Hi, everybody. This is Charlie the Manatee.

From the state of sunny Florida. And I love seaweed. I love to eat seaweed. All kinds of delicious seaweed. I also like shrimp. and sea cabbage. This is Charlie the Vanity from Florida. Okay, well, it looks like we have a guest in studio with us today.

This is a treat. He's a gentleman from the University of Maryland, and I guess he's an environmentalist, an activist, who's entrenched in the cause of bringing, I guess, what, the global warming issue to the forefront of everybody's minds, to society, to the government, fighting to make sure that we're on top of this very important environmental issue. Please say hello to Guy Potato or Potato.

Potato? Yes, potato. Guy Patato is here. Is that French Canadian? Yes, it is. Thank you. Guy, why don't we start off? How bad is this global warming situation?

I mean, you know, you see the pictures of, you know, snow melting on the peak of the Kilimanjaro and the ice fields in Greenland are receding. How dire is this global warming situation? Well, it's quite dire. It's quite dire. Snow is melting all over the world. The snow caps are decreasing on the Himalayas, in the French Alps, the Austrian Alps. The rocky mountains are in western Canada and in western United States. The snow caps on those mountains in most regions are down 60% for. or the average they're supposed to be out at any given time of year. Okay, so doesn't that really just mean, you know, more bottled water for all us people who aren't up on the mountain? Is that supposed to be funny? Well, no, I mean, okay.

Was it supposed to be funny because I missed it? No, I was just, it was supposed to be light. Well, if you think global warming and destruction of our planets this is light, then I feel sorry for you. Well, I don't think we have to go that far. Oh, and how far should we go? Okay, well, but let's, yeah, let's talk about the polar bears. I hear that the ice in the North Pole is getting to a point where each year,

When the ice separates and melts from the mainland, it's becoming a further and further gasm, a further and further gap, I should say. I don't know what a gasm is. Neither do I. Well, I just had a little, I just had a blunder there. Well, nice interviewing skills, really. Okay. The polar bears, can we, what's happening with the polar bears?

Well, the polar bears are in dire danger of sure extinction. I mean, every year the ice moves further and further away from the mainland. Ten years ago, the ice, it was about a 50-mile span from the mainland to the ice fields, where the polar bears would hunt for seals. Now, that gap has expanded to 200 miles. Many of the dinosaurs, I should say, the, uh, there, you just, you just had a blunder, too. I'm sorry? Well, I, I just blundered earlier, and I just, you just said dinosaurs.

No, I didn't. Well, yeah, you just said dinosaur, no. Excuse me. Well, I heard you blunder on, excuse me. I don't say dinosaurs when I'm talking about polar bears. Okay, so the polar bears, what's the end result? The polar bears are drowning. They can't swim 200 miles.

And people like you who use your toaster ovens and your microwaves and your hair dryers and your flat screen TV. Wait a minute. Yes. What are you saying? People like me. well do you have a hair dryer yes and do you have a light screen TV yes and that's my case okay wait a minute what are you telling me you don't have a TV

we're not talking about me are we well wait a minute this is a little hypocritical here do you have a TV yes I have three TVs oh you've got three TVs yes And you're looking at me, you're pointing the finger at me. I like TV. I leave my TVs on when I'm out of the house. What? I leave the fridge open, the air conditioner on full blast. I turn the ceiling fans on, the heating, the central heating, and the heat in my pool.

Okay, what in the hell are you talking about potato? potato potato you see i grew up in a very cold region of the world oh where was that northern bermuda uh what and i'm just up to my chits with the cold weather and so if i can do anything to advance the global warming of this planet wait a minute i thought you were here to speak out against global warming. Well, yes, that was the guys. I wrapped it in, but really, I'm trying to sneak my message out

to the people to warm up this God-forsaken chilly planet as quickly as possible. All right, get this. Get out of here, potato. Potato. I don't care what you're mashed potato. Get out.

Do you mind if I turn on your heater and open the window before I go? Get out of here, potato. Potato. Unbelievable. Get them out. Attitude on that creep. Potato. Potato. Get out. The Harland Highway.

I'm going to go cool off. We'll be right back with you here on the world's most wonderful podcast. It's a pronounced podcast. Get out of here! Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Look out, ladies. Look out.

Apparently, there's a new stat. And I'm not making it up. This was in the newspapers. You know, it's real. There's less and less males being born into the world. Apparently, over the last 30 years, fewer and fewer males are being born. And there's more females being born. So ladies, you better treat us right, because we're apparently on the endangered species list.

Let's see, we got manatees, we got Siberian tigers, we got the black rhino, and oh, yeah, human males on the endangered species list. Yeah, we should be given all the privileges of animals that are on the endangered species list. Like women aren't allowed to hunt us, they're not allowed to infringe on our territory. they're not allowed to deplete our food supply they're not allowed to abuse us oh man that would be sweet huh yeah ladies we're endangered species you gotta you gotta change your tactics you gotta treat us right help us breed more men finally evolution's working in our favor guys oh oh you know you and your buddy go into a bar and it's like 10 girls for every guy. That's what planet Earth's becoming like a pickup joint for men.

What a treat. What's that? Yeah, you can buy me a hyniquin there, sugar. I need to be hydrated. Hydrate me, baby. Keep me alive here on the Harland Highway. Stop it. Stop it.

You're busting my heart. Heaven's to Murgatroyd. the Harlan Highway.