The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 20

Episode Date: August 26, 2013

Another juicy FLASHBACK show as we work our way toward the first 42 that never made it into the archives! Enjoy!!! Bundles of fundles!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Ah! Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. To the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important.

My name is Donkey Tina, and I'm going to kill you. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Okay, how many of you have taken a test drive? And I'm not talking about you're shopping for a new car and, you know, you get behind the wheel and you take it out for a spin around the neighborhood. I'm talking about when you go shopping for a new chair or a couch. Yeah, that's right. You're at IKEA or you're at the local furniture store. You ever catch yourself doing that? so-called taking the chair or the couch for a test drive, right?

You know what I mean? You want to know what it's going to feel like to sit in it. So you sit down in it? Well, I've got to know what this thing feels like. It looks like a good chair, but, well, let me get my ass in the seat and see what happens. And then you, like, sit down in it and you just sit there for a minute. very awkward you're just sitting in a chair for 40 seconds wiggling your butt and people are looking at you why the hell's he sitting down i don't know he doesn't look tired you kind of don't know what to do you

just kind of look straight ahead and you're waiting for the chair to start moving or do something but you just sit there kind of thinking what what the hell am i thinking what it's a chair i'm sitting in a chair Ooh, look at, I'm sitting. I have to get this chair. I'm sitting so well. Look at the way my knees bend. Look at the way my bottom rests upon the fabric. This is a wonderful chair.

I've never sat so well in my whole life. I'll take it. It's kind of bizarre, isn't it? Kind of one of those dumb things you do and you're kind of hoping nobody sees you doing it. Look at that innion over there. He's sitting on a chair. Big difference from the other chairs you've sat in your whole life, huh? How's that test drive going there, moron?

Yeah, it's one of those life's awkward little moments. So why don't you go somewhere, sit down, and think about what I just said on the Harland Highway. Oh, hi, everybody. Oh, uh, welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, so cute. Oh. Oh, so cute to have you here. Oh, my God.

So cute. Oh. You ever meet one of those people? The oh, cute people. Everything you bloody do, everything they see. Oh, cute, puppy. Oh, cute little dress on that little girl. Oh, cute.

Oh, cute, corpse on the side of the sidewalk that was hit by a car. Cute. Blood drool. Giant blood stain. Cute. Oh, dismembered limbs. Cute. I mean, everything's cute to them.

Oh, guy committed suicide, landed right in front of us after jumping off that 40-story building. Cute. Human pudding. all over the sidewalk cute oh shut up everything's not cute i know i sound like a grumpy old man there a lot of stuff is cute i like it when people say cute but don't don't cute everything i don't want you to be at my funeral and i'm laying there like a stiffy in my coffin and everyone's sobbing He was such a retarded man. Oh, poor Harland.

And you're sitting there like, oh, cute corpse, cute. Oh, so cute. Rigamortis. Oh, cute, embalming fluid, cute. All right, I'm getting sick of even hearing that. I don't want to hear that. I don't want to hear that. so how's everybody doing even you've been in any fights lately and i don't mean fisticuffs

because i don't think uh humans know how to fight anymore i mean yeah you get your guys on the ufc man they can wail but does the average dude or the average woman even know how to fight anymore Have we de-evolved to the point where we can't even put up our dukes? You know, we're in such a litigious society. Everyone's so ready to throw a lawsuit or everybody so sensitive about their personal space. It's America and we all have rights and you're not allowed to raise your hand against another human. So I think a lot of humans have lost the ability to fight. They just don't know how

And don't tell me you people don't get mad Oh, please Wait till the next fatty cuts in front of you at the food court Hi, I'd like a rosebee Excuse me, excuse me, I gotta get some curly fries Well, I'll be, shut up, I gotta get curly fries And give me a chocolate shake I was in line here, sir, I don't care

I'm gonna stuff my face, can't you see how fat I am I need to get fatter Oh yeah, we get mad Road rage Cutting in line rage All kinds of madness But we don't know how to express it anymore I must just sitting in front of a therapist

I'm so mad I just want to hit that person Well why don't you hit him with your mind Okay Ugh Take that Bastard How did that feel Probably the best fight

I've ever been in. Do I have any black eyes or anything? No, I think you're okay. Wow, that was a real drag him down, smash him out, 12-round battle. Yes, you are such a warrior. You are so, so brave and macho. And strong? Yes, you're a true brute. I wouldn't want to get into a fight with you. You better not. I'll take you down, player. Ooh, oh, maybe we can go to the zoo later And you can crush a lion with your bare hands Oh, I've already done that this morning Yeah, all in your mind, right?

I mean, there's there are still people You know, there's hockey players There's guys in bike gangs There's just guys that are born demented, you know Guys that don't know pain and, you know, they'll just go off for any reason at all. But the majority of you folks, does anyone know how to fight anymore? But you know what?

I'm straying. I wasn't even going to talk about that type of fight. I'm talking about have you had any good fights with your spouse lately? Your lover, your husband, your wife, your partner, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, and whatever, your Siamese twin. Shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up.

No, you shut up. I'm going in the other room. Well, I'm going with you. Why? Because I'm attached to you. Our pelvices are fused together by bone, flesh, and tissue. Okay, then I'm going in the other room, then. Well, I'm going with you there, too.

Why? I just told you, you, idiot, with Siamese twins. oh in that case i'm going to stick my finger in your baltum it's not my bottom it's our baltum yes u indeed you farted last night i didn't fart it was you no it was you wait a minute it was us us okay i lost track of the voices there i know i was doing one and then it slipped into the other it's not easy doing science You ever done Siamese twins, people? All right, that sounded really kind of wrong. Although, I'm sure there's people out there that probably have that fetish since I just brought it up. People that would love to be with a Siamese twin, is it really a threesome at that point?

Because they're fused together. So maybe it's still one person. I think a threesome means you have to have three completely separated individuals. If somebody's fused together, maybe it's still, it's like there's still one. So maybe it's a threesome pie square. You have to change the terminology. I don't know.

Interesting. Interesting. You know, we might have to get some threesome. some experts on the line and see what they say. But I was talking about just verbal fights with your partner. You know, you fight about this, you fight about that, you fight about something you did or you said or you didn't do the dishes or you're looking at that other person or your partner's jealous.

I know you always have this point of view when you're arguing. You're always like, okay, I'm perfectly logical. Everything I'm saying is making sense. sense. I've got a chronological order to everything. Everything is perfectly crystal clear. So why is my partner so completely off the rails and completely out to lunch and totally not communicating with me and totally not saying anything coherent and totally irrational and totally over-emotional? And then you step into your partner's brain. And they're thinking the exact same thing.

So the fight's not really about the words, is it? It's just about the energy, I think. Because the words, you probably don't remember half of them or more when it's all over. You don't remember the words. You don't remember what everything was said. Maybe you don't even really care that much when it's over. It's almost like a fight is about the energy. It's about ramping up, getting the bottom.

blood pressure gone, spewing out that energy, getting rid of negativity or aggressiveness or whatever. It's just like, expel, expel, expel, I don't really care what I'm talking about. I know I've just got to direct it at you and you're going to direct it back and we're going to climb to this place. The thermometer levels rising. Oh, oh, oh, and the fight's over. We did it. We detoxified. We, we, we, we, we. got rid of all those built-up emotions and feelings and energy. And now the energy's changing. Now the energy's becoming soft and caring and vulnerable and understanding.

The energy sinks back down to a mellow place. It's like you've gone from Iron Maiden Energy down to Andy Williams' Perry Como country. And you just want to put your arms around each other and hog and... absorb each other now you that bad energy's gone the volcano is simmered and now you're just soup simmering hot warm chicken noodle soup nice and warm and simmering together with your arms around each other and then and then that somebody turns up the gas and then the soup you know when the soup you look away from the soup too long and it starts to boil and it says right there on the Campbell's soup can do not bring soup to a boil but it's too late because now you've been pressing together too long and it's time for makeup energy oh yeah ah you ripped the clothes off and you're on top of each other you're

like a couple of lions mating on the serengeti out in the middle of the field and tourists are driving by and their land rovers taking pictures and you don't care because you're having wild passionate makeup sacks you're biting the back of her neck and the other lions are watching you just

completely entranced by your love prowess and your your so maybe that's what fighting's all about you both just need to get laid so next time why don't you just cut out all the hoot-nanny and the fighting and the harsh words

and cut it off at the pass right this is how it should go on a fight starts ready where were you last night i was there with my friends oh yeah well you know what let's just make love grab me take me hold me you got it baby I love you. I love you, too. You won't have another fight? Yeah, let's fight. Where were you last night?

I was at my friend Bill's... Then you do it all over again. All right, I'm getting carried away. Everything I said, probably the opposite of any licensed or trained psychiatrist, marriage counselor, Dr. Phil. Obviously the ramblings of a madman who probably needs to get laid. Yeah, unreal. How selfish was that? Just dumping my opinion on you. But you know I'm right. You know I'm right. Go get in a fight.

Go get in a fight with someone you love right now and just cut to the good part here on the Harland Highway. All right. How many of you are in a happy, healthy relationship, huh? How many of you are doing good with your boyfriend or your girlfriend? Oh, mushy and gooey, huh? Do you ever have that scenario where everything's just going great and that one day you're dumped on your ass? Well, this is something I got off the internet.

This isn't mine, but here's the top five signs that you're about to get dumped. And isn't that a cold word, dumped? Number one, picking fight. If you notice that the fight level is starting to grow, if the nitpicking and the little jabs and the sarcasm and the out-and-out abuse is hitting an all-time peak, that could be a sign. Things are on the way out. Here's number two for getting to call.

Yeah, on the old phone. There's no excuse nowadays, is there? When we all have cell phones, in the old days, you're like, oh, baby, I couldn't find a pay phone anywhere, man. Well, it was too loud in the bar. I couldn't pick up the phone. I wouldn't even be able to hear you. But now, what do you say?

Oh, my cell phone got sucked up in a twister, a magnitude 12. It didn't get me, but it sucked the blackberry right off my belt. Nice try, ass. Number three could be changing their look, changing their attitude. Sometimes one partner, when they're on the way out, goes to the gym and starts to get buff or they get their hair done or they buy some new clothes. And, you know, why they're doing it. They're prepping for when they get back out on the market. They're getting ready to dump you.

But when they're free and clear, they want to be looking hot so they can move on to the next adventure real quick. Number four, a big side is if you start getting criticized. Your partner isn't really feeling you anymore. Instead of the little loving compliments. They make little criticisms and jabs and nothing's ever nice. Oh, honey, I helped the little boy up off the road today. He got hit by a car, and I dressed his wound, and I dragged him to the hospital, and he lived. Oh, what are you an idiot?

But I saved his life. Ah, what a jerk. What's wrong with you? But I... Yeah, criticizing, man. And then the last one, which is deadly. losing sexual interest. We've all had that, man, and that's the worst.

Because at one time, you were just all over each other. You couldn't wait to do it anywhere, any time, any place, any position. And now you're at a point where you're actually dreading. It's like, ooh, I better not go home, man. She's going to want to do it. I don't want to do it. And, ooh, I hope she, maybe if we fall right asleep, we won't have to do it. And, oh, I hope she's not in the mood.

I'm not. I don't even want her touch me. So there you go. Five signs that you might be getting dumped. But I guess as long as you get dumped right here on the Harlan Highway, you always have me, people, because I'm always going to love you. Harlem Williams. But I saved his life.

You're a moron. Ah, yes. Moron, moron, moron. Are you a moron? You're listening to this show. What's that say for you? Well, maybe you're a genius for listening to this show. I don't know.

I'm not going to call you anything. I'm going to call you awesome because you tune into the Harlan Highway, and I appreciate you being here. I hope you're having as much fun as I am. But I got to tell you, okay, I got to tell you, and then I make that. Yeah, I got to tell you. I got to tell you I'm dying. Is that what I'm trying to say? No, I just accidentally coughed. This isn't like a real radio station where they got that little cough button. I don't know if you've

ever been in a radio station. I've been in millions. And there's this little button right in front of the microphone that says cough. And I guess it's for the DJs to kind of mute themselves whenever they cough. But I don't have that. So you just had to suffer through myself. swine flu but anyways i feel like a moron sometimes and you know when i feel like a moron we've been uh working you know we're always tweaking the website harlo williams dot com because new technology comes up and new video stuff and new this and that and it just it never ends man you got to keep updating so i'll get my technician in here i got two other technicians and we'll be on a conference call, we'll be on the speaker phone.

It's those three and me. Okay? And you've got to hear these guys. I swear it's like R2D2 and two of his buddies at a tea party. They're like, yeah, USL, BFL, and we got the mega grabber and the 559292, the 55B,000, the 5590, the URL host, and the PfD, and the URL host and the PFD, and the open into the browser and the web window on the X9524. Boop beep, beep, beep, beep. And I'm just standing there like C-3Pio out to lunch. I say, am I retarded?

What does that mean? It means you're retarded. I thought so. Wait a minute. Yeah, man, these techie guys, holy smokes. You know, people call them geeks. Like Best Buy calls them the Geek Squad and people call them nerds. Okay, just so you know for the record, a nerd or a geek could deconstruct your whole DNA.

A nerd or a geek could beam you to another planet if they so desired. Be careful who you're calling geek a nerd, man. Because they have every right to turn around and call you moron or dumbass. Because they know a hell of a lot more than we do, I think. And in this day and age When everything's computerized and digitized and technological Well, we're sitting around knowing what was You know, on last night's episode of the Hills

Or we know the NFL football score Who won this weekend? Oh man, the Cardinals beat the Cowboys like I think it was 28 to 12 man Wow, man, you're a genius. How do you know that? Oh, I just sat for three hours in front of the TV with a bag of chips and a chocolate milkshake and a 12-pack and some donuts and some bacon grease in a bucket. And I just learned it from watching for three hours just staring vacantly at a liquid plasma screen.

So I know stuff others don't. I'm pretty smart. Yeah. And then you try and be the guy that builds the plasma and creates the liquid and constructs the flat screen. That's what the geeks and the nerds have over us, okay? So next time you're doing some name call and just remember who's got the brain and who's got the beer belly. Hello. Yeah. And if you really have a brain

And you're really smart You'll just keep on trucking right here With me, Harlan Williams On the old Harlan Highway Holy Smoke, Do you ever have to install a computer program? Could that be any more annoying? I mean, come on, people.

You stick this little flat disk Into the computer, like you're giving a communion. You stuff a wafer in it. mouth and give it communion holy jumping it's a pain isn't it all the passwords and logons and lima beans and all the stuff you got to do oh i just want to hang myself like damien's made i'm i'm i'm programming this computer for you damien it's all for you damian oh what a pain in the But I wish Fisher-Price-made computers, man. Ah, those would be easy to program.

You just get a little weird square-faced people and shove them in a hole and things work. Oh, technology. It's killing me. I'm talking to you on technology right now. I wonder if you're frustrated with my technology. Maybe I'm turning into a robot. Beep-Bee, peepoo, peep, peep. I am a robot, a big greasy robot.

Anyways, I hope you can get your computer going the way you want it to. Keep it real. Make a deal here on the Harland Highway. Silence, you mental midget. Affirmative, Dr. Smith. Affirmative. Oh, well. You know, life is hard. Life is full of numbers. Doesn't everything break down mathematically? Isn't everything just a calculation?

Numbers, numbers, numbers, numbers. Probably even numbers break down into numbers. Like the number seven breaks down to seven ones, a four and a three, four, twos, and a one, and so on and so on, and then the fours break down into twos, and forget it. You might as well go. fill up the bathtub full of that Matrix thing. You know in the movie

the Matrix, when those green numbers and letters just come down like a waterfall, just fill your bathtub with those and roll around in them. You still won't know any better, but at least you'll feel

enumerated. Whatever that means. I don't even know if that makes sense, but here's some numbers that will make sense, and I think you're going to like these numbers. This is the number that you can call to leave me a voicemail message regarding anything you've heard on the Harland Highway to leave me a comment, leave me a complaint, leave me some praise, leave me a joke, leave me anything you want.

And who knows, if I like it, I might just put it on the show here. Now, don't go too long. Don't go be getting drunk out at, you know, Applebee's all night and come home. Like, I'm going to leave a message on the Harlan Highway for 45 minutes. Because nobody loves me with the Harlan Highway. No, come on. Be fair. Be nice.

I love hearing from you, but don't be a jackass. and leave a really long message. I don't care what you say. You can sing to me. You can do an impression. You can spank your Barbie doll. Nothing like hand human flesh on plastic buttock. So here's the number.

323, 215, 1486. Let me give it to you another way. 323-215-14-86 give a call don't forget anything you say could be used on the air on the podcast here on the harland highway so say what you want to say i might use it give me a call love to hear from you god knows i do enough talking it's your turn 323-215-14-86 call me and until next time keep on doing everything by the numbers people and I will too 752-22-2-2-5-9-7 don't know what that means but somebody somewhere is probably going to break it down and it means something so there hopefully it means thank you good-night goodbye This is Harlan Williams, signing off the Harland Highway.

Chicken chow men, baby.