The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 21 - CLASSIC GOLD!

Episode Date: October 7, 2013

In keeping up with the oldies that were never posted, here is another of the early shows! ENJOY< BOY!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is Donkey Tina, and I'm going to kill you. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Hey, hey, hey, it's the Harlan Highway.

Harland Highway, and, oh my gosh, I put a little thing out there last week, and I said to the ladies, I said, ladies, call my answering machine, tell me how you'd will me, how you'd take me on a date, how you would romance me, how you would sway me, seduce me, whatever, how we got some great messages, man. Oh, I just want to go out with all these girls. Let's roll a man. Hey, Harlan, for our hot date. What I first do is probably take you out for some really great Mexican food, then to an avalanche game,

and then you'd have to go to Red Beastro Square with me and do shots of vodka and eat pickles until we puke. Oh, yes. Now that is romance, eating pickles till you puke. Oh, baby. it on. Now that's a date. I'll bring the barf bags. You bring the Bix pickles. Oh, classic. What else we got? Harlan, I've got a great idea for our first date. You, me, Scarlett Johansson, and a trampoline. Keep it simple. Okay. I'll keep it simple. Yes, I'm in. Simple enough? That is a lot of bouncing.

Wow, that's like dropping pumpkins onto an air mattress. Hi, Harland. If we were to go on a date, I'd be the nurse, you'd be the doctor, and you'd give me a breast exam. Hello. Hello. Hello. That's how you pronounce it, nurse. It's pronounced. Hello. Wow. Give me to a hospital, baby. Hello. Hi, Harland. This is Steve. Now, first of all, for our date, we've got to go. to a show at the Buell. It's got to be a musical, all right?

And then after that, we go for some really nice drinks, maybe somewhere like J.R's. I don't know. Maybe I might not have to a drinker. I might just have to go back to my place. See you, Harlan. End of new messages. No, that's more like gay messages.

I mean, come on, dude. I appreciate the offer, but I'm not gay. Are you gay? Oh, no. Come on, dude. You can tell me. Maybe. I mean, do you like men?

Oh, no. Okay, do you like women? Oh, no. How about hermaphrodites? Oh, no. Okay, well, call me back when you do know, okay? See, Harlan. Hi, Harlan.

This is Bambi. I was thinking maybe me, you, my place, can of whipped cream. I'll make you love, Denver. Oh, no. Hi, Harlan. If we were to go on a date, I would take you to the farmer's market for our date. That way, you could check out my melons, and I could squeeze your tomatoes. Thanks.

Hope you want to go on a date. How long. Awesome messages, everybody. Thanks for calling into the Harlan Highway. Keep them coming. Love, love. Adios. Hello.

Oh, ho-hoo. Oh, I love it. I love it. wow the ladies the lady who says romance is dead who says it's gone right did you hear those those fire foxes and that one dude looking for some man love sorry pops you're barking up the wrong lemon tree for that but i appreciate i appreciate the call i guess it's good to be loved you know we can just keep it mental Doesn't have to get physical, but how about puking with pickles And jumping up and down with Scarlet Johansson on a trampoline

And cans of whipped cream and going to the farmer's market And squeezing melons, good Lord! You ladies, they always say ladies are worse than men when it comes to sex. Sometimes when I listen to my answering machine, I think it might be true. Now, for those of you ladies out there who want to describe to me what a date would be like with you, if you want to lay a little romance on me without getting too graphic, I'm going to give you a number to call. And I don't know.

Dare I give out this number? Dare I let you ladies, you crazy ladies. try and woo me some more I think we have to those calls are so much fun I want to take every single one of them up on the date because each one of them sounded fun

all right here it is 3, 2, 3,0005 1486 ready, grab a pen I'm giving you time get your cell phone out put in new additions or whatever the hell you put in your cell phone. Here it is.

3-2-3-215-14-86. 3-2-3-2-15-14-86. Leave me a message. Don't get too long with it. I'm talking about a date, not a lifetime commitment, all right? So describe what your date with me would like, what you would do with me, what would you, what you would do to me, where we would go, what we would see. God, I'm choking up here. I'm so excited.

And if we like it, we'll put it on the air. And even if we don't like it, we might put it on the podcast here at the Harland Highway. But dating is fun, isn't it? How many of you date out there still? Some of you might be married, but hey, you might be dating on the side if I know my 2010s. I'm talking about the year. I didn't mean that was the age of the people you're dating. But dating is interesting.

This is for the single guys listening, I guess. This is some good news. I read an article in a magazine the other day that said, the ladies are back into cute stuff again. They're back into the cute. Apparently this article said that the ladies are back into chocolates and Mickey Mouse and flowers and all that stuff. And so I'm out at a club the other night and I'm looking around. I see a real haughty over on the other side of the bar and I'm thinking, okay, okay, yeah.

I'll try this cute approach, the flowers and the chocolate. the Mickey Mouse and all that crap. So I mowed her over, right? I saunter across the bar, right? I walk right up to her. I look at her right in the eyes, deep penetrating stare. I just hold her gaze.

I look deep, deep, deep into her eyes, and I say, Hey, how's it going? Oh, could I buy a drink or something? Right, the whole Mickey Mouse thing, right? And I'm like, I got her. That's, I, I must have her, right? She just looked right back at me, right?

Slowly raised her middle finger. It was like, Okay, okay. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I guess I should have brought some chocolates. Okay, flowers. Okay, I'm leaving.

God, that chick's making that gay guy look good right now. So much for the cute approach, huh? Wow. And guys, do you find, you know, they always say that, and this is a saying, ladies, you probably know it, but us guys all know this saying. And it's a confusing saying, but sometimes there's reality to it.

Girls love a guy that treats them like crap. And when I first heard this saying, I was like, no, what are you crazy? Who wants to be treated like crap? Especially a beautiful, gentle woman. A little flower blowing in the field. Treated like crap?

Excuse me? I have four sisters. None of them were treated like crap. But then, you know, I live around Hollywood. and there's a ton of beautiful women here. I think the most beautiful women in the world I'll come here at some point. Even if it's for a week or a year,

all the best hotties come here thinking, I'm going to make it, I'm going to be famous just on my looks. I don't care if I can screw in a light bulb. I don't care if I can talk. I don't care what I smell like. As long as I look beautiful, I'm going to be famous. So they come here, give it a shot, and after, you know, whatever. whatever amount of time they go home

my point is I have met a lot of girls that are with guys that treat them like crap you know and I have to say I've been in a relationship before where I've never treated a woman like crap but I remember being in a few instances with girls that were a little problematic

and you know they were confrontational and they liked to fight and whatnot and normally I'm a rational guy I like to talk things out and communicate and not get amped up you know try to be respectful but this one individual

I was with at one point in time was just so so whacked that there were a couple occasions where I just dropped all the decorum and I abandoned in all gentlemanliness, and I wasn't mean or vile or violent or an ass, but I did just go, you know what, this person is looking for a fight, they want a fight, and so I just kind of let down

my guard on being a gentleman, you know, and I just kind of rolled along with me, yeah, whatever, yeah, okay, well, why don't you? You know, like, you know what I mean? It wasn't being mean, but it was like attitude. And it was like calling her bluff. It was like, oh, yeah, you want to get out of the car walk home? Get out of the car and walk home. I'll see you later. I hope you don't get hit by a steamroller.

Screw you. You know what I mean? They were setting the tone, the energy, the anger. And so, although it's not characteristic of me, I decided just as an experiment or just begin, because I was fed up with this person to reciprocate their own attitude and deflected back on them. It's not who I am, but I decided that's what I was going to do. And excuse you.

And somehow they seem to respond to it in a positive way, which scared me. They seemed to like it. They seem to like kind of the attitude and being bossed around. and told off and not dealing with rational conversation and communication. It was almost like they were getting off on it or it attracted them more. And I thought, is this that whole bad boy thing? Because any guy can just be a bad boy and a prick. If that's what you ladies want, we have no problem.

We can be that if you want that. But I thought we were at a place where Oprah and Dr. Phil had finally taught us how to treat a lady like a lady. Well, in my case, my mother taught me that. I have to give my mother thanks. One of the things my mother said to me growing up, and when you're a kid, even when I was a kid, I kind of got it, I have to say, I guess.

I was going to discount it, but, you know, my mother always used to say, Harland, always be polite. Always be polite. A lady, a woman will always love a polite man. and, you know, I'm single. I'm in my 40s, but boy, am I polite. Thank you very much. You're welcome. May I get that door for you, Supermodel? Thank you. You're welcome. Would you like to go on a date? Screw you, creep. Thank you. You're welcome. You're very polite. Thank you. You're too polite, loser. But I don't know, some of you girls out there, man, I believe it now that I've seen it. As I've gotten a little older and I've bumped into some you girls, you do like it when a guy treats you like crap. Well, let me just say that probably has something to do with low self-esteem or something because, you know what?

No one should be treated like crap and no one should treat another person like crap. if you are into being treated like crap get your head examined get a new relationship and believe me there's enough people out there that like to treat people well and decent and respectful so

get your act together and find someone who want you to be their little cinnamon angel there's my relationship counseling for the day let's get off for this and uh let's see if we uh we got some more uh phone calls out there we can listen to this is kind of fun let's see what other uh messages we have let's see uh what else people are

uh are talking about to the old harster on the harland highway today hey everybody welcome to the harland highway and uh what a fun topic I have for you here. You know, last week I told, I got all personal on your asses, and I told a dangerous sex story. Yeah, I conveyed the story of the time I had sex on a dining room table, and right at the moment, that magical moment, we smashed right through the middle of it, right to the floor,

right during the magical moment. So I put out the call. and I asked you people to call my message machine with some of your stories about reckless and dangerous sex moments and listen to some of the calls we got. Yeah, he said dangerous sex. How about 115 feet underwater?

Women's in the air supply. Had total downtime of five minutes, but the sex took 10 and we had to be compressed All right. Was it just me, or did it sound like that guy was in a decompression chamber still while he was talking to me? 115 feet underwater, five minutes worth of air, and they were down there having sex, 20,000 leagues beneath the sea, and it took them 10. Dude, that is life-threatening sex, there, Jacques Cousteau.

I hope she was good. Maybe next time just spring for a water bed or something, all right? Who else we got here? Hey, Harlan. I have a funny sex story. He and my ex-husband were going at it. One day we thought our 18-month-old son was sleeping, and then all of a sudden I woke up,

and he's on the back of his dad riding him like he's a horse. Kind of ruined the whole moment. Bye. Hey, oh, Silveraway! What do you mean ruin the moment for you? What about your kid, man? Your son's going to be Demented for the rest of his life

What's going to happen to your kid When he watches a western movie Or, you know, he goes to the fair And sees the horses Or the Santa Claus Praid and the horses come down Or a police horse You've given this kid

Barnyard sex dementia For the rest of his life Either that or go buy him a little cowboy outfit So next time he climbs on board He can, you know, do some cowboy yells. Yeah! Yeah! Ha! Ha!

Go, Mommy! Go daddy! Ha! All right, who else we got here? This is getting good. Okay. I had this woman, and she was, you know, using her hand. And it was going really good.

It's been really nice. And when that time of erupting came, I gave myself a wall shift. I was like, okay. interesting is all over my glasses. That's the most embarrassing story I have, and my name is Bain. Okay, three things come to mind here, buddy. First of all, cut down on the protein bars, okay? Something's a little too strong.

B, that must have been one of the most interesting trips to lens crafters I've ever seen. I wouldn't want to be the guy working there. And C, I love it how you tell us it's the most embarrassing story of your life, and then at the end, you give us your name. That's the most embarrassing story I have, and my name is Bain. Okay, Bain, we'll make sure we don't tell anyone who you are because we wouldn't want your embarrassing story to get out, and everyone know it was you. Oh, well, you're a good sport.

Keep on looking at life through rose-colored glasses Or whatever color you're looking at life through your glasses. Hey, you know, maybe it was a godsend that old Bain was wearing his glasses. You know, he could have, you'll take an eye out, kid. Oh, boy, there it was. The Red Rider Triple Revolver BB gun. Every childhood kid's dream. Hey, you'll take an eye out, kid.

Remember that from a Christmas story? Here's old Bain. And not only does Bain give up his name, but it's not like he's got a generic name like Larry or Michael or Bob. His name's Bain. I've never met a Bain in my life. If I'm listening to a podcast or the radio or whatever, and I hear the name Bain,

I could probably narrow it down to one guy. I'm sure all of you will only meet one guy named Bain your whole life. So wherever you are, if you know a Bain, that's the guy right there. Old ejaculation I, Bain, they call them. That's his C.B. handle. Oh, God, that's fun. You know what? I'm going to put it out there again.

What the hell? I'm just having so much fun with your calls today. If you want to tell me a dangerous sex story, if you want to tell me about a time you got caught somewhere you shouldn't have, or you were trying something new, or you got stuck together, or you slammed it in an elevator door, or somebody accidentally filmed you on a security camera

or a donkey bit your ass in the middle of it, I want you to call me and share your story. Don't be shy. These people weren't shy. I told you about my dining room table adventure. I'm not shy. So don't get an all angelic on me, folks. I know you all do it.

You know, unless you're a priest. And even then, I got my suspicions. Hallelujah. Oh, my eye. God, Lord, thank you. So here it is 323-215, 1486. Write it down. Stop having sex right now. And write down this number, 323, 215, 1486.

Share with us your dangerous sex stories. I can't wait, man. And don't BS me. Don't make them up. I'll know if you're like winging it, okay? Trust me. I do improv for a living, all right? I know when people are BSing me

I know when you're making it up Unless you're Wayne Brady calling in And you're from that show Whose Line is it anyways And you're really good at improvving And BSing You know, okay, you might slip one by me Wayne Brady

But you regular folks Don't go pulling any Don't go spinning any yarns Don't start trying to get clever Don't pick up an issue of a penthouse forum and just start reading a letter okay I'll know

we'll all know if you're faking it but do share so much fun 323-2-3-215 14-8-6 and God I wonder

I guess this is an odd question to ask but I wonder if anybody's ever had sex while listening to me talking doing the Harland Highway. I can't imagine it would be much of a sex aid. But, you know, you always hear those stories, like back in the day when Johnny Carson was doing the Tonight Show

and then I guess Leno, but Leno's got that voice. Yeah, how's it going, you know? Like Johnny at least had a... Oh, it is show Horny in here. I had sex with the window ledge. But Jay's got that... Yeah, how's it going there? You've got the thing and, oh, what's that?

Is it doggie style there? You know, I can't see someone making love to that. But anyways, you know, they always say that people made love watching the Tonight Show and watching Conan and, you know, because the TV's in the bedroom and it's late and maybe you've got a boring guest doing panel or a crappy band or a lousy comic and you're like, eh, might as well go down on my way. wife it's a lot better than the jokes as lame comedians spitting out you know so i wonder if that's a possibility that kind of creeps me out don't be having sex while you're listening to

the harland highway because chances are you're you're listening to me on your ipod right or your mp3 player and that means you've got like ear plugs in and that that that cuts out one of your your senses. Because the best sex is probably when all your senses are on high alert. You know, you're hearing, your vision, you're smelling,

you're touching, you're tasting, everything's going. It's a peak, peak alert, peak, peak whatever. Peekaboo.

There, I didn't know what to say, so I said, peekaboo. I got out of it, but not really. I'm all flustered because I'm talking about sex. And I want you to be talking about sex.

So call me and let's share your stories. I think this will be fun. And if you're going to have sex while you're watching TV, why don't you do it while you're watching like Big Cat Diaries on the Discovery Channel? You know? That's animal sex right there. You know, you're having sex while you're watching? Watch, like, seven lions pull a zebra down and eat it from the ass forward.

That's raw animal sex. Ah! Oh, do it again. Oh, who's my little zebra? I am, Daddy. I am. R! Call me King of the Forest.

Oh, ooh, you're the king of the forest. Oh. That's disgusting. You know, if you ever planned on having sex to my show, that right there, that whole zebra lion disgusting bit, probably just killed any desire. You know, that was the equivalent of a bucket of ice water just being dumped on your privates, okay?

But that's what happens here on the Harland Highway. You just never know where it's going to go. So call me, 323, 215. 1486 here on the Harland Highway and you know what I'm I'm having so much fun listening to your calls and all this dangerous sex that's happening isn't it I don't know if you like it I'm having a blast this this is just fascinating to find out some people were having sex and their their eight month old baby was riding on their back I just picture that that big killer whale at sea world and that shark attendant riding around on the back of Shamu while Shamu is jumping in the air for

mackerel guts and beach balls and why you just picture that little kid standing on his dad's back holding on to the hair just riding them like a rodeo bowl yeah well i can't get enough man i'm sorry i'm i'm i'm going to play some more we're going to close out the show today the Harlan Highway in a dangerous style. Here we go. Let's play some more dangerous sex voicemails from you. Don't forget to call me 323-215-1468 if you want to have yours heard on the air. And thanks for dropping in everybody.

Great to have you. We're having a blast. We'll catch you next time here on the Harland Highway podcast. Now, go settle in. Take your clothes off and listen to these naughty voicemails. Chicken chow maim, baby. Hey, hey, hey, you're rolling down the Harlan Highway with me, Harlan Williams. I talked about how I crashed right through a dining room table once and hit the floor hard.

And I've asked some of you to call in and tell me your dangerous sex stories. Hey, I don't think I could stop the falling through the table, but I did get caught. I was out fishing and having sex on a picnic table and state patrol locked up on me and got me. Just thought I'd let you know. Later. Hey, well, thanks for letting us know, man. I'll make sure to disinfect the next time I go for a picnic. I mean, you're lucky Yogi Bear to walk up on you with Boo Boo.

Hey, Yogi Bear here. Gosh, Yogi. What position is that? I don't know, but it looks like old faithful to me. Hey, gosh, Yogi. Who else we got here? It wasn't me, but a friend of mine happened to be in the act and her head got caught in the ceiling fan above her boyfriend's bed. Needless to say, she bounced off the ceiling fan a few times with her head.

That was pretty funny, yeah. Wow, man. Sealing fan injuries while having sex. I mean, they were either up in a bunk bed or they were doing it. Solay style, man. How do you hate your head in the ceiling fan? Unless this chick's like nine feet tall. But the main thing is, it's good to know that it wasn't this girl. It was her friend, right? It wasn't me, but a friend of mine. Okay, well, I'm glad your friend, wink, wink, is okay. Maybe you could send us a picture of your forehead just so we can inspect it for ceiling fan blade scars.

Next message. Hey, my name is Jerry Seymour. I work at Target. I had a girl come in with me for an interview. We ended up in the closet, and, well, she didn't get the job. The boss walked in. Now, I'm not talking to them more. Bye.

I work at Target, he says. Yeah. Wow, in the closet, doing an interview, and the boss walks in. I like the way he kind of revealed the whole story and then decided at the end. And he ain't going to talk no more. No, I'm not talking no more, but. It's too late, dude. You gave us the story.

You gave us your name. I mean, what else happened? Did the boss join in? You're making it sound like there's more to this. Next message. Hey, Harlan, I was caught in between the seats and had to have the fire department, pulling me out, doing it in the back seat, setting with my body in between. in the front seats of a Volkswagen

bar. All windows fogged and everything and I'd have the side department get me out. Tell me if you can top that one. I was 17 years old and the woman I was doing with 35. You tell me what's wrong

with that program. Okay, I will. You're doing a 35-year-old woman in a Volkswagen Beetle. I don't know how much class that woman has, dude. Might have been nicer if you're doing it in a Lincoln Town car.

But any mature woman that would do it in a Volkswagen Beetle, I got to wonder where the hell you picked her up. That's what's wrong with your program there, buddy. But you keep on playing your harmonica. Keep the stories coming. Your darkest sex secrets here on the Harland Highway.

You tell me what's wrong with that program. Thank you. Thank you.