The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 22 - more sweet classics

Episode Date: October 14, 2013

Counting down to show #42, here is another early pod that was never posted in the archives. Blink it and stink it!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. To the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important.

My name is Donkey Tina, and I'm going to kill you. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Oh, yeah, oh yeah, it's the Harland Highway podcast. What a treat. Good to have you here on the old highway. Just chugging along, watching the trees go by, running over armadillos. You know, it's just fun. Speaking of fun, guys, how often do you take a date out for dinner or even your own girlfriend

or your fiancé or your best friend's wife, you know, what I'm talking about is going out to dinner with the ladies, and it's always nice, you know, usually it's good, it's fun. You have a snack, you have some food, you talk, you get to know each other, it's a good time. And then when the bill comes, what's the breakdown when the bill comes? Is it traditionally that you just assume that you're going to get it? Is it kind of just an unwritten law that the guy gets it?

Or every now and then you get the girl that kind of fakes her way into her purse. Oh, let me. Can I get it? And then you go, you know, you kind of say, oh, in your head you're like, that would be great. But, you know, being the gentleman, you kind of go, oh, no, don't know. Put that away. I got it. immediately like okay there's never any argument no no i insist i said i was gonna get it and i'm gonna get it oh okay well um are you sure well okay if you want to do it no no you can get it oh what do you mean

oh cheap ass well you just said you wanted to get oh cheap ass you just said to me you were gonna get the bill oh did i i don't recall you just i don't remember anything but eating eating a seventy-dollar lobster and three glasses of chardonnay and a salad i don't remember saying i was paying for it no you just don't i don't think so keep talking mister and i'm going to go and binge and purge and come and have a second course okay let me get it i thought you'd see it my way my way so here's my point when the ladies genuinely genuinely offer to pay for the meal ladies if you're listening okay it sure says a hell of a lot and you can't fake it can't be like oh let me get that and then you kind of get out your credit card and you kind of get that vibe we're saying i can't believe believe i'm really getting this for this loser you know but if you sincerely get a meal for a guy i tell you what man that that can do more for your credibility it says more about who you are in terms of

your generosity and um you know your feelings and um it's just great it's great you you you you you you you get huge marks for genuinely paying for a meal with the dude and wanting to do it and showing that to a guy now that being said you're not going to do it every time i hear you okay but um you know just go for it once in a while and treat your dude and make him feel like you're reciprocating all the meals that he's bought for you, right? And even if you never buy a meal, always remember to say thank you. Show some appreciation. Can't even talk.

So some satiathan. Can you please? Thank you for the wonderful meal. I really appreciate it. Thank you for bringing me Elmore Fudd to the lobster place. because believe it or not i've been out on dates meals where i've dropped some bucks and not even a thank you i actually called a girl once man i want like a two hundred lobster dinner right no thank you i actually i either called her or emailed her and just said you know a thank you would

have been nice like that night or the next day people forget man people work hard for their money it doesn't matter if you're rich or poor or somewhere in the middle you earned that money you worked hard for it unless you're like a you know a trust fund baby then i don't even want to go out with you to begin with but um you know always say thank you the way i'm saying thank you for being here at the harland highway It's a lobster dinner treat having you here with me. Harlan Williams. Make sure you call us at 323-215-1486.

Let me know your thoughts, your beefs, your praise, your grievances. No suicide calls. I don't do that stuff. Or you can email me at Harlan Williams.com. And maybe I'll read your email on the show. All right. Keep it going right here on the Harlan Highway. Waiter, check, please.

No, I'm not done yet. Oh, God. How about a movie tonight, huh? Wow, what's that aftershave you're wearing? You high karate after shave is so powerful. It drives women right out of their minds. That's why we have to put instructions on self-defense in every package. High karate, the brisk splash on after shave that smooths and soothes and cools.

Hi, karate, after shave, cologne, and gift sets. Hi, karate. Be careful how you use it. I'm just a little black rain. Cloud hovering over the honeybees. I'm just a little black rain. Cloud looking for something sweet to eat. Yeah, that's Winnie the Pooh. floating around looking for some honey from our friends the bees um okay i got to ask you people

there's a lot of things in life that scare you right there's freddie kruger there's friday the 13th there's the exorcist there's frankenstein there's the creature from the black lagoon there's richard simmons there's so many things that terrify but i don't think anything evokes more fear out of people, men and women, but mostly women, as when you're at a picnic or you're outside and a lowly little bee buzzes past. You know, bees aren't probably the smartest thing in the world, so they, you know, fly up to something, do a few passes,

fly around your head. They go, nah, this isn't a flower. No pollen on this thing. Smells like high karate over here, though. I think I'll be moving on. And that guy, ooh, take a shower, pal. You smell like turkey gravy gone bad.

But have you seen the way people freak out over bees? Like, oh, my God, no. Oh, my God. Get away, get it away. Oh, get it off. Oh, my God, it's a bee. What is it? I mean, hold on.

Does this thing even weigh more than an ounce? Does it weigh as much as a grain of rice? It's floating around. It's buzzing around. It's looking for a flower to get off on. And people go berserk. Now, I'm not a bee expert. I'm not a biologist.

I just made that up. But I do know this. Bees sting you, they die. All right. They have one shot at life. they have one shot at inflicting pain and traditionally bees usually sting if they're cornered like if you accidentally roll on top of one

or it's in an enclosed area like maybe in your car and it can't get away or you step on one maybe you'll get stung or you get near the nest you get near the nest it's their instinct to protect the nest and they're kind of, I don't know, just instinctually trained to attack. And that's when they let the stingers loose. And when they do sting you, they die.

They're basically like kamikaze pilots of the insect world. Where those guys in Pearl Harbor, kamikazis, they take their own lives by, bombing their jets right into the battleships. Boom. Tora, Tora, Tora, Tora, bumblebee, bumble bee, fresh honey. Perhaps they think you're after their honey. Well, it may be that. You never can tell with bees.

Oh, I'm just a little black rain cloud hovering under the honey tree. So that's what bees do. So here's my theory on bees. Bees are flying around. They don't want to die on you while you're sitting there at your picnic, shoving a cob of corn in your face with your big fat mouth. Okay? They're just looking for a dandelion or a lily or a rose or, I don't know, a tulip,

whatever your flower of choice is. That's what they're looking for. They don't fly around. They're not like lions where they're prowling around the skies looking for targets. Ooh, look at that guy. Wait till he gets that corn right by his mouth. And I'm going to fly in there. Yeah!

No. They want to go about their business, go pollinate, and get back to the nest and make some sweet-ass honey, baby. Oh, yeah, you'd be coming back to my hub and making some sweet-ass honey, baby. Although I'd hate to see two bees doing it 69. Because if that stinger went off, someone's getting it right in the face. Oh, baby. Oh, but...

Right between the eyes. So what I'm saying is, stop panicking. Okay? Next time you see a bee flying around your head when you're outdoors, just treat it as if, it's a housefly or a ladybug or something that doesn't have a painful sting and chances are it's just going to go its merry way i've seen people run and sprint and trip over picnic tables and hurt themselves

and spill their picnic plate and and knock into other people and spill their drinks and just look like a complete buffoon a 180 pound human being afraid of something that's the the equivalent weight of a grain of rice get over it man they will just leave you alone 90% of the time okay and the rest of the time if you get stung you probably deserved it probably just a goofy looking person a dumbass you're eating too much you used shampoo that smelled like flowers and you had it coming it's your karma okay you get stung by a bee you had it coming loser out go get some liniment

and go suffer in the corner I know real sympathetic wait a minute what's that in here oh my god wait get away get away from oh my god I had it coming

I had it coming for that bit I called you people fatties and losers and you got me again I'm just floating around over the ground, wondering where I will drip. Okay, so here you are with me, Harland Williams, and you're thinking, how much more exciting can it get here on the Harland Highway?

Well, how about this, people? Australian scientists have discovered a new type of ant. It's some kind of bizarre water ant that lives underwater. it doesn't live underwater but it can live underwater and it takes its food and it takes it underwater into some kind of underwater nest that wild a water ant man holy jumping can you just picture the little guys out there water skiing and playing water polo and doing backstrokes in the morning to stay in shape but here's what gets me whenever whenever they have a species Has you ever noticed they attach a Latin name to it?

Here's the Latin name for this new water ant. It's called Polyrachus Scalova. Okay? Now, doesn't that sound more like a Norwegian supermodel that you'd like to spend an evening with? Yeah, I'm looking for Polyracus scolova. Room 7? Thanks, man. Here's a 20.

What a water antsy. man huh i mean here they already have taken over my house that's the last thing i need is to turn on the shower and ants come out they're already all over my kitchen and my bedroom god water ants what's next floating ants just walking down the street and ants attack your face floating us antacius facieus all right watch out for ants people watch out for uncles too they're even more creepy here on the harlone highway hey i yeah just doing some vocal exercises there for you folks so when you know i start talking i sound crystal clear and uh i'm easy on your ear palette if you have a palette in your ear um i want to ask you about your signature please and i can't really um

like, point to certain people and say, oh, I'd like to ask you about your signature Bob Smith or Carol Walters or Danny McGee. You know why I can't point directly to any of you? Because your signatures are completely indecipherable, okay? I cannot make out most people's handwritten signatures. Have you seen them? Some of them look like those machines, the heart monitor machines and the emergency ward with the boop, boop, bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo they go up and down. Look like a chart of the Himalayan's.

I mean, some people have squiggles and circles and some people just have like one like a little dash. Like, most of them you cannot pick out one letter, one discernible letter in the whole squiggle. Like, let's say someone's name is Nancy Smith, and you'd be hard pressed to find an A, a C, an S, a Y, a if. I mean, it's amazing. It is just amazing. I can't figure out where we came up with this whole signature. your thing. When did people get so footloose and fancy

free with writing their signatures? I'm sure there was a time when, you know, it was done and it was very legible and easy to read, right? Back in the day, maybe when people still used quill, quill

and ink, feathering ink. Maybe in a time when things were a little more laid back, people's signatures were probably way easier to read, just people had time on their hands. They're like, oh, I just purchased a Model T Ford automobile. I better write my name very clearly, Charles D. Edinburgh, the fourth.

Yes, I just bought a car, and there it is, for everyone to read. Right? And he got in his car that went nine miles an hour and drove to his house out in the country, 20 miles away. But nowadays, everyone's such a rush. Everyone's trying to be an individual, and people are just like, just squiggle. Looks like a worm crawled across the paper and left a trail of slime,

and that's your signature. It's pretty weird, man. And doctors and professionals, their signatures. It's like it's amazing that we sign so many things with our signature, our loans, our mortgages. our contracts, our paychecks, our checks. I mean, I seriously think you could dispute any legally binding contract or check you've ever written in a court of law.

You could be called into court and say, sir, this contract to build a second story on this man's house, Mr. Williams, uh, David Williams, uh, he signed this contract here. And then, you know, the judge holds up the contract and says, did you sign this contract, Mr. Williams? And you're like, no. Is this not your name right here, Mr. Williams? And you're like, no, can you see a W or an I or an L or an I or anything? Well, now that you mention it, it looks like a child grabbed a crayon and scribbled across a wall.

Yeah, see, it's not my name. I mean, my name's clearly Williams. I don't see any letters in that, you know, whatever that is. I mean, what is that? You know, I don't know. What did a ladybug crawl through some grape juice and running circles around that page? I've never seen that thing. But by the way, thanks for the second story on my house.

All right, case dismissed. We can't prove a thing. It's hilarious. Yes. And some people, you know, they could have a name that's a long name, like Petoskowski or something like that. And you look at their signature and it just looks like two lines. Not an X, but, you know, just fancy squiggles.

You're like, wait a minute. What? How did your long Polish name get reduced to like a rapper's name like T.J or J.C. I don't know, man. bizarre oh well enough about that i'm going to sign off this bit you know what i'm talking about here on the holland highway hey this is harland williams and you're listening to the harland highway and i want suction cups huh what yeah you heard me people i want suction cups well what the hell is that mean mr williams i'll tell you what it means i want little

suction cups on the tips of my fingers and on the tips of my toesies. And if I decide I want to climb up a building and eat my sandwich at lunchtime, damn it, I'm going to climb up the side of a building and eat my grilled cheese sandwich. Well, I'm looking down on all you ants. Wouldn't that be great to have suction cups? Just walk over things, climb up things. I want suction Cups. I want section cups. Picture me walking up the side of your house in the morning. Peaking in your window.

Morning sunshine. It's me, Harlem Williams. What are you doing on my house? Oh, just testing out the old suction cups. By the way, nice underpants. Ah! Yeah. Then I don't want to join the NFL, man.

I'd never drop a catch. He's going back, back, back, back. He's up in the air. Oh, what a grab. He pulled it in with one finger. Oh, my God. An NFL first. He caught the catch with one finger.

Well, he was jumping and super extended. Yeah, thanks, suction cups. Oh, man. You've heard people say, Life sucks, right? Well, here's what I say. Life suction cups. Yeah, for me, because I'm going out to get some cosmetic surgery.

I'm getting some suction cups. So stick on that, sucker. Yeah. Suction cups, man. If I know me, I'd probably, you know, get my own face stuck in my suction cup. But, you know, I think it's cool that people, you know, people have different, you know, body parts as we go into the future. You know, kind of like Inspector Gadget. I think it would be fun if people started having, like, X-Men bodies.

You know, you got like Wolverine fingers or you can turn into ice. People can walk right through you or, you know, maybe pleasant stuff. It doesn't always have to be like so horrific. Maybe you can turn into a lemonade stand, right? What's your name? I'm the Wolverine. Hi, I'm lemonade stand. Five cents?

What do you mean? Well, don't you want to drink? Yeah. Five cents. I don't get it. You will. You know, just weird creatures, like a toaster oven guy and digital clock face.

Oh, my God, we're going to miss our plane. What do we do? Have no fear, ma'am. Digital Clockface is here. What? Look at my face. Oh, my God, at 6.30. We got 20 minutes. That's right, ma'am. Well, we can stop at Arby's. Absolutely. Thank you, Digital Clockface. You're welcome, ma'am. Would you like some lemonade? Who the hell's that?

You don't want to know, ma'am. It's time to go. Oh, God. Do I just amuse me or do I amuse you? I don't know. You can let me know, though. It doesn't have to be a mystery. You can even pick a topic if you want. If you're sick of my BS, I'm more than happy to go down your street

and see what you need to fulfill your life. I will tackle just about any topic you want. So if you're fine in suction cups, and getting attacked by bees and your signature and you ladies buying dinner for your men if you're tired of water ants then you just let me know you send me an email at harloweems.com

Or you phone me at 323215-1486 I'm going to give it to you again, 323, 215, 1486. Give me one of your topics to play with. I don't mind. I like a good challenge. You know, you can make it whatever you want, and I'll see what I can come up with. And if it strays a little weird,

if it goes towards suction cup and water ant country, well, you know my sense of humor. You know my personality, I hope, by now, if you've been listening to the Harland Highway. So I'll put my own spin on your topic, but hey, at least it's your topic and you don't have to nod off. Because that's just disrespectful. Hello? Hello, can you hear me? Hello, wake up.

I said you don't have to nod off. Hello? Hello, talking to you, sleeping during the podcast. Hello? Hello. Okay, well, I look forward to your input, shall we say. And let me give you that number one more time, just so you have it. 323-215-14-86.

Leave me a message, and if you don't want your voice to be heard on the show, you can always just shoot me an email. at harlan williams.com. Thanks for dropping in, everybody. Watch out for water ants and suction cups and ladies, go buy your man a dinner or a lunch. And I look forward to seeing you next time. Right here on the craziest highway in the galaxy,

the Harland Highway. I'm just floating around over the ground, wondering where I will dribble. Oh, yeah.