The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 24 - CLASSIC GOLD!

Episode Date: March 20, 2014

As requested dropping in the odd flashback show until we are caught up to #42. Still just as fun as the fresh ones. Laser beam my dream machine! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is Saki Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. God, I'm so bloated, man. You ever hear that term bloat? Bloated? Sounds like boat, but it's bloat. It sounds like a really slow boat. Like boats are primarily pretty slow to begin with, but if you got a really, really slow boat,

it's called a bloat. But this is for the, ladies I guess because I don't know much about this this is foreign territory to me but I always hear that term I guess it comes around the time of the month where you ladies get bloated and I guess I've never really understood it I'm guessing you have a full feeling you feel like you're carrying water it feels like you just drank a case of of Crystal Geyser. Oh, bloated.

I don't know. What is it? What is the whole bloating thing, man? Maybe you can call me, ladies, and tell me, maybe even share some of your bloating expeditions, your bloating stories. You can call me and gloat about your bloat. 323-215-14-8-6.

or just go to the website, harlornwilliams.com. The number's right there on the homepage. Call me and leave me a message and tell me what bloating is. What causes it? Where does it come from? Who benefits from it and who doesn't? Is there an upside to bloating? Does it add that extra weight you need for your prize fight?

You know, you have to hit a certain weight class to get in the ring and beat the crap out of some other bloatie? So you get to bloat? I don't know. I'm mystified, and I'm not even faking it. I do not really know what bloating is. I've never had the conversation. It sounds like a fairy tale.

Ro, row, row, row your bloat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily. Bloading is a dream. I don't know. so call me about that i need to know i'm on a need to know basis you ever get that when you're in a relationship with someone they give you the old oh i need to know no that's not good enough i need to know i need need need need need to know i have to know well when do you need to know i need to know I need to know right now

Where do we stand Right now I don't know Are you kidding me Are you kidding me No I don't know where we stand right now Oh you have got to be kidding me Don't you love it when people put that

Weird inflection on there What is the the point of that inflection? Like, is that somehow create some kind of thing that will help lure the truth out of someone or make them step up to the plate? You know, like you lie to someone, you go, yeah, I'm a unicorn. And they go, you have got to be kidding me. Okay, I'm not really a unicorn. You got me with that inflection. Oh, unicorns. Where did unicorns go? Huh? Where, oh, where are the unicorns gone? Where are those little guys? Horses with rhinoceros horns on their heads?

Jumping around rainbows and eating fairy dust? Oh. Magical. Magical. Just like being here. here on the Harland Highway. Glad to have you aboard. Having a blast. Welcome, everybody. Let's get it going. Right here, right now. You're on. The Harlan Highway with me. Harlan Williams. We can rebuild you. We have the technology. We have the know-how. You are the Bionic Woman.

Yeah, have you heard they're bringing that? series back that thing was on when i was a kid the bionic one first it was steve austin the six million dollar man that was a great show all about this guy who was half robot and could jump really high he could see like an owl except the only thing was when they did that show the way they made him so it looked like he was jumping so high as they'd uh film him backwards you know, he'd jump off of something and then they'd film it backwards

and it would make it look like he was jumping from the sidewalk seven feet up onto a roof or how about when he'd run? They'd make you believe he was running 100 miles an hour by shooting them in slow motion. Wow, look at that guy, go as fast as a snail. Wow, he must be worth $6 million. Then the Bionic Woman came along, and that happened later, so she must have been worth, you know, at least $7 million.

And now they're bringing the thing back today, and notice they're calling it the Bionic Woman and not the $6 million woman, because $6 million don't buy you didly nowadays, man. You could maybe get a two-bedroom condo down in Miami Beach for $6 million. It's the $6 million. condo here on NBC do do do do oh my god there's a condo coming after a do do so I'm looking forward to that man the bionic woman maybe I'll ask her out on a date have a bionic makeout session see how that feels you ever made out with C3PO might feel a little bit like that ugh All right, scrub that.

I'm going to go scrub. I feel dirty now. Harlow Williams here on the $6 million Harland Highway. Yeah, you don't want to be feeling dirty. I guess that's one of the downsides, you might say, of being human, that sometimes we can emit odors.

And I'm not talking about gas. I'm just talking about body odors, right? Under the armpits, maybe. You know, in the hair, some other places where it can get pretty rank. Do you know anyone like that? I remember I used to go to a gym. This was in Glendale, California. I went to the YMCA, and I don't want to do any ethnic profiling.

This isn't a racial thing, but this is just what this guy was. There was this Armenian guy. Glendale has tons of Armenians. It's an Armenian community. Fine, great people. And this guy, this Armenian guy, was working. out, and this guy's body odor was unbelievable. It was like a wall.

It was like, you ever see footage of that tsunami coming in and wiping out the beach community in Taiwan or wherever the hell it was? And I say it was, because it ain't there anymore, just water. But this guy, it was that body odor smell. and if you were within probably about a six, seven foot radius of this guy, it was overpowering, like almost like a skunk. You ever walk into the waft of a skunk? That's what this was similar to.

It was just horrible. And, you know, the thing is you got to wonder, does this person even know? that they probably don't know. I mean, how do you smell yourself? Better smell myself before I go to that dinner. Better bend down here. Ooh, that smells nice. How about under my armpit?

Oh, nice. And, you know, what do you inspect yourself? I don't know if people know it when they smell because it creeps up on them and it just kind of permeates all around them. so maybe they don't pick up their own scent. But man, alive. This guy, like, even when he sat down on a piece of workout apparatus, like after he left, it's like the leather on the apparatus

would, like, absorb some of this odor. So even when he was gone, it was that lingering reek, you know? Like burnt hair. You ever burn your hair? And the smell just kind of gets lodged in your sense. scent glands somehow your scent glands that made no sense um your scent glands are we give off scent not retrieve scent if i'm if i'm correct here i don't know i'm not a doctor but whatever um it's just amazing and then there are other areas too and you know this is kind of

getting into the female hygiene world, right? It's the lady. Sometimes it's completely odorous, odorless. Sometimes it's very strong. Sometimes it's kind of repulsive. Sometimes I think for men it's almost stimulating. I think there's a chemical or something in that odor that. that might actually trigger something in man.

It's kind of like you ever watch the nature channels and female lions or other animals. I think it's called estrus. They go into estrus, and the other animals can smell their scent, their sex glands, and they can't resist it, and their nose is wrinkle, and they snarl their lips and they look like they're about to puke,

but then at the same time they just want to get it on, right? So I don't know. I mean, there are ladies out there that probably think, ooh, I don't want any odor at all. But ask a guy honestly about the odor. And I'm not trying to be grossier and graphic, but it is an interesting topic. I mean, look, we talked about blowing.

If you can handle bloating, you can handle this, I think. So, I don't know. Strange body odors. Let me know what you think. Call my voicemail. 323-215, 1486. Maybe tell me a story about the worst body odor. ever ran into here on the harland highway harland williams here with you and we are steaming down the

harland highway and oh look out the window look at that a strip club and what do you remember about the strip club was it the girls was it the outfits was it the music was it the atmosphere was it the funny lights or was it the stink yeah you ever been in one of those strip joints and it's just got that kind of off color like that smoky stained cushion type of rake it should almost be its own perfume like chenelle number five or charlie or morning mist should just be called stripper club stink P-st, oh, you smell so good. What does that smell, my darling?

I call it Strimper Club stink. Oh, God, I take it back, my darling. You really do smell like a dirty leather seat. Oh, thank you. That's just exactly what I was going for. Wait a minute, I also detect some stale beer and a dirty, juicy G-string. Thank you. so much. That's exactly

what I was going for. You want to come home to my place or you want to go to yours? Hey, where are you going? Hello? Hello? Oh well, I guess I'll go to the strip club. See what I can dig up. Yeah, it's a bad reek. You just made a wrong turn. On to the

Harland Highway. So make sure you'll wear your nose plugs. Are there any strip? club guys listening to the show right now um are there any strip club girls listening to the show i just don't get the logic behind the whole strip club scenario um you know think about it strip clubs you go in if you're a guy you go in you sit down you slowly get toasty drinking the beers or whatever, hopefully beautiful women with beautiful bodies start provocatively dancing around you and rubbing on you and teasing you and tantalizing you.

And you keep slipping them money and more money and more money and they keep telling you, yeah, I just broke up with my boyfriend and I'm kind of on my own right now. I don't know what to do and I got all these bills and, you know, They have boyfriends somewhere. They're telling you that they just broke up to give you a grain of hope that you might have a shot. And, you know, for the basic dumbass, they're like, oh, my God. Oh, my God, she's single. She just broke up with her dude.

She's vulnerable. I can get her. I can move in. I can be the rebound guy. Oh, uh, uh, uh. You know. know, these strippers are just full of tricks, manipulations, and that's their job, manipulation, and they're good at it. They use what they got to get what you got.

But what I don't understand is how guys fall for it, man. You know, it's like, you know, okay, maybe the first two or three times you ever enter into the strip club world, you're like, wait a minute, what? You mean they don't go out with you afterwards and they don't make love to you in the back seat of your car and you can't just have your way with them right at the strip joint? Oh, man. Okay, I'll give you two or three visits. But if you're going back to a strip club after that and you're dropping two, three, four, five, six hundred bucks a night tipping these tease machines, I don't feel sorry for you. You're a nutbag. You know, strip clubs are equal to, you know, if you hadn't eaten for like four days.

And someone took you into a buffet, and there was the spread. Lobster and pheasant and goat cheese and French toast stacked into the ceiling. And you're like, oh, man, we're going to eat now. And you're like, no, no, no. Just go over and sniff it. absorb all the wonderful odors and look at the beautiful pop-re of various foods from all over the world. But, oh, no, you don't get to eat any. You don't get to eat one scrap.

But give us about $2,000 just for the privilege of looking and sniffing. Thank you. I mean, would you do that? Someone invited you in for a brunch buffet at a fancy hotel. Would you pay $300 to not eat? I don't think so. So I just don't understand the logic of the guys that go in and torture themselves and get all worked up and get aroused and walk home with their tail between their legs.

Their wallet's empty. Depressed. They got nothing. I don't know. Very strange. Maybe get a hobby, dudes. Maybe if you learn out of fly kites or, you know, carve stuff out of butter, maybe, learn to churn butter. It's probably, you know, pretty much the same wrist action that you do when you go home from the strip club anyhow, if you know what I mean.

Hello. A little naughty there, but hello. going to put a little hello on it anyhow hello so there you go if you just want to uh burn your money away boys it's all up to you you head over to cheaters or the spearman rhino or cougars or mountain cats or uh the fire fox you know they all got these so-called provocative names teams from the northern small towns of Minnesota. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your Rocky Mountain Cougar Cats. And here they are, the cheaters.

I don't know. Get a life. Stop going to strip joints. There, I'm like your mother now. Stop it. Just stop it. If you want to see naked women, come and watch me take a shower. What? All right, we got to get out of this. Let's switch gears here on the Harland Highway.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I gave you seven, and here's number eight. Hey, it's Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway. Well, I guess we're rolling into the fall season now. Summer's over. You know what I'm going to miss about summer? It's kind of a subtle background noise, but you always hear it. It kind of reminds you that you're officially in summer.

It's the cicadas. You know that sound. You hear it kind of in the distance or up in a tree. It sounds like someone left a phone off the hook up in a tree. Yeah, that's the sound of the cicada. They're big giant flies. They just, they're about four feet long. They hide up in the trees.

And I found out that that noise, that weird phone-off-the-hook noise, is actually their mating call. Is that not sexy or what? Are you turned on, people? Can you imagine a mating call like that? Imagine if us humans use that to, attract us a little partner. Imagine that.

You're at a singles bar. Some dude with gold chains and John Travolta hair. And a banana in his pants come strutting over to you at the bar. Hey, baby. What's up? What's up, baby? Yeah, what's up? And just like that, you're going home with that dude.

Huh, didn't like the outfit, but he got me a... So smooth, so sexy. Who can resist? Who can resist the romantic call of... Good Lord. I'd rather have someone come up and bang a pot in my head with crusty dry, craft dinner stuck to the side of it oh cicada fly fly far away isn't it weird when you think about how everything has sex every living creature it just feels like sex is such a human thing you know because we've made an industry out of it we've centered religions around it we've we've centered

part of our whole social being around it. You know? Sex is such a big entity with the human race. So it's sometimes weird when you think that other living things engage in sexual intercourse. You know, like, you know, think about your neighbors down the street having sex. And think of your neighbors across the street. and maybe if you dare think about your aunts and uncles having sex. Maybe your brothers or sisters having sex

or your best buddy having sex with his girlfriend or your grandparents having sex and then picture a zebra having sex or a couple of crocodiles or some ladybugs or some amoebas even. us having sex even I mean it's just weird and you gotta wonder do they have any intimacy with sex

or is it just like an emotionless feelingless sensation for them like you know how humans like kind of have the psychological side of sex where sometimes half the pleasure of sex

is the psychological element as opposed to just the physical act But maybe when you blend the two together, it's even better But is an animal just a machine All the other procreating creatures out there Do their brains feel any psychological stimulus? Or is it just like, well, my instincts are telling me It's time to mount you, so stand right there

let me mount you one two up down three four five six up down seven eight oh there's a strange feeling pop and i'll go back to eating some grass no cuddling no pillow talk just chewing some cuddle you don't get attacked by a A lion. I don't know. I would, I want to think that maybe there's something more to it for animals, but maybe it's, it means about as much to them as it does, like, going to sleep or walking or, you know. Do they even care? Maybe that's what we need to do.

Just, like, tune it all out, man. Probably be less fighting, less murders, less jealousy, less everything. Oh, hi, Agnes, hi. You want to go for lunch? Okay. You want to have sex first or? Yeah, okay. You know, just that plain, that simple.

No, I don't mean it. We all love the ups and downs, the ins and out. of intimacy it could be possibly the best part of being human well outside of you know the real first pleasure in life right listening to the harland highway podcast mm-hmm hope you enjoyed it today folks love having you on board having a blast tell your friends get them to subscribe let's get everyone riding down the Harland Highway Always open to your suggestions, your comments, your love, your hate Whatever's on your mind, you can throw me a call, leave me a voice message at 323, 215, 1486, 323, 215, 1486.

That's all we got for today. I got a run, I got a girlfriend over in the park who's up in a tree and we're going to have a little, you know.