The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 25 - CLASSIC GOLD!

Episode Date: April 10, 2014

As requested dropping in the odd flashback show until we are caught up to #42. Still just as fun as the fresh ones. Tap my flap! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. To the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is Saki Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Hey, welcome back to the Harlan Highway, and have you ever had one of those days where you just want to get away from everything, from everybody, huh? I'm having one today, and it's not because of you, folks, it's just because of stuff's going on in my life, so I think the only place to really get away is at a trailer park. Oh, yeah, I'd love to just disappear into a greasy, slimy trailer park, so I'm going to call right now and see if I can hook that up. Here we go. Hi. Hi. Hi, I'd like to come camping, please.

You like to what? I'd like to come camping. How much is it for the weekend? You sure you got the right number? This is the trailer park. Right? Yeah, I'd like to come camping with my family just for the weekend, though. No, there's a permanent homes here, honey.

But I just don't, I don't want permanent. I just want to come in for the weekend. I understand that. Okay, how much is that, please? I've got three children and my wife and a dog. Right. They do not accept the weekend. What if I slip somebody an extra 20?

An extra 20? Would that kind of push the right buttons of... No, I don't think so. Is there a swimming facility there for the children? Yes. Okay, that sounds good. And is it a quiet place? Because I can't have much noise.

Mm-hmm. Okay. And how much is that for the weekend then? You don't have to check down the street. This is not here for the weekend, honey. All I need is just a quiet weekend to relax my family. Right. So how big are you...

Where are you coming from? I'm coming right down from Ithaca. Uh-huh. And I just need a trailer, maybe 16-footer. And you do allow dogs, of course. I hope, because... No, we don't. It's a very quiet...

A dog, it doesn't bark. We had its tongue removed, and it's just a little angel. So I can bring the dog then? No, they don't accept dogs here. He's very quiet. His tongue's been taken out, and he's just like a little angel. He'll cuddle up on your lap, and you can throw balls for him. You can try the other park if you'd like.

I don't know if they accept dogs or not, though. Well, what if I just sneak him in, and nobody, who can I give someone a 20 to look the other? way? I don't think so. I could give you a 20. No, I just, I just work here. What about $40 to look the other way? No. 60? No, thank you. No. I will give you $300 to look the other way so I can bring my dog. $300. $300. Really? No, thank you. $500 and I won't go a send higher for you to look the other way. No, we really haven't got a spot for you, though, even with or without the dog. You push a hard deal, $1,000 cash in your pocket, and I get the dog in for the weekend with my family.

$1,000. What's your last name? Terriaki. Mm-hmm. I think I've hit the mark with the thousand, am I correct? No, sir, you have not. $3,000 and a new microwave oven if you look the other way. Wait, wait, I tell you the truth, it wouldn't matter if I looked the other way or not.

We don't have a spot. That's the name of my dog, Spot. The name of your dog is Spot? Yes. Okay. So now I think I... Your wife's name is Jane? You know my wife?

No. Oh, my God. Who is this? Oh my God, hang up, hang up right away. Wow, well, I guess they didn't want me. I guess they didn't want old Harlan to tarnish their community of treasures. So I'll just keep on rolling down the Harlan Highway until I find a place to bunk in. I might be knocking on your door, so watch out, people.

It's me, Harlan Williams, here on the Harlan Highway. Oh, yes, people can be gullible, right? Does that mean? Was I, like, you know, taking advantage of her? Hmm? Because she was gullible, or am I the gullible one? Because maybe she was on to my little prank call the whole time, and I'm just going along thinking, oh, am I ever clever?

She doesn't have a clue what I'm doing. so who's gullible me or her or all of you for listening to this stupid podcast no i'm kidding don't that i shouldn't have said that it is not stupid it's important are you a gullible person huh are you one of these people that someone could say anything and you kind of buy into it have you ever been tricked if you ever been conned God knows there's a lot of people out there

that are ready to rip you off or lie to you why do people have to be like that huh why can't people just be decent and do the right thing like who wakes up in the morning going let's see

who can I really screw today man huh who can I just gout today don't be like that if that's you don't don't do it okay i don't want you to do it i want you to be nice be nice to people man be nice doesn't take much to be nice to be nice doesn't take much to be nice because if you're not nice you make people cry right you ever do that accidentally make someone cry oh my god Probably one of my worst stories.

I guess this blends into being gullible and making someone cry. You know, I do acting. I'm an actor. And if you want to call it that. But I try, people, I try. But you ever see that show that was on NBC called My Name is Earl? That show was on for quite a while. Pretty successful show.

My name is Earl. I actually guest starred on at once. So what the hell am I talking about? Of course I know what it is. But I remember when that show was casting, they brought me in for the role of Earl. And you saw the guy that played the role. It was Jason Lee Patrick or Sean Patrick Flannery or Samuel L. Jackson.

One of those actors with three names. Like they can't just be Ed Smith. They got to have three names and an initial and a monogram and a wrestling. and oh brother but anyways the guy who played it who's actually a cool guy i like um you know i kind of play that guy too kind of the slacker kind of you know the kind of dipstick kind of dude type of guy right i can play that real well and uh so i went in to read for that lead roll i went into read for earl right when you go into an audition room if you haven't done it if you

haven't been through the process it's nerve-wracking at least it is for me i don't like it it's uh it makes you feel vulnerable makes you feel insecure it makes you feel like people are judging you and you got to kind of let all that go which isn't easy for human beings to do man it's hard not to take this stuff personally i've learned to just let it roll Believe me, you can't survive in Hollywood if you don't let it roll. But one of the tricks I learned during the audition process is to not go into a room and let their energy dictate how I was going to feel or how I was going to perform or how I was going to feel when I left the room. I always thought, you know what, if this isn't fun, don't do it, Harland. Thank you.

You're welcome. So what I would do is when I walked into an audition room, I usually try to take over, set the tone, create the energy. And then once I start to read, I'm kind of in my comfort zone. I've brought them into my house, and I'm no longer in their house. So I kind of bring them into my world. And one of my successful methods for doing this is a little bizarre, but it worked for me, right? So I'd walk in the room for the audition, I've got the lines.

memorized there's always like five or six people sitting there and they got cameras on you and it's very nerve-wracking so usually the first question and out of their mouth is oh hey harland how you doing and so to kind of bring them into my world i'd say oh not so good and then they'd obviously always say oh why not and i'd say oh on the way over here i hit a dog and then they go oh no really and I go, yeah, I hit the dog, and it's kind of tough. You know, it bounced off the front of my car, and it went down into a ditch, and they're like, oh, no, that's horrible. And I, yeah, and then it bounced up out of the ditch

and hit a little Korean kid on a bicycle right in the head, and I killed the kid. I killed a dog and a kid on the way over here. So now I got them in weird world. They're laughing. They're amused. they love it how bizarre the story is and so now I'm totally comfortable because I've brought them to my place

okay so all that backstory being told I go into my name is Earl there's the two executive producers and someone else was in there I think it was my first meeting my first read oh I feel so bad

and of course the guy and the girl I walk in and hey Harlan how you doing i go not so good i hit a dog right so before the guy can say anything the girl just brings her hands to her mouth and she's like what you hit a dog and i thought she was just kind of playing along i go yeah i hit a dog she's oh my god and i swear to god her eyes started to water and a look of horror and shock came across her face. And I'm like, oh, I think maybe she's not going to get this.

She goes, oh, my God, you hit a dog. What happened? And I go, I just hit a dog and it bounced down into the ditch. You know, I got down into that part. And she goes, you killed, you hit a dog and it bounced into the ditch. And then she threw me a curveball. She goes, well, did you stop? And I could see she totally was buying this stupid story.

And I was about to say, you know what, I'm only joking because I could see she was getting emotional. But I was also in that nether world in between where I'm like, oh, no, if I stop, she's going to think I'm an ass and a liar. So I thought, you know what, I'll just finish the story, get out of it, and move on. so so i go no i didn't stop and she goes what you hit a dog and you didn't stop so now i was a complete ass she's starting to well up and cry and then i start i'm like oh my god she's totally invested in this story i if i if i stop the story now she's gonna kill me because she's crying so i'll i'll try to finish it up so then i go oh well you know i kind of stopped i didn't really hit the dog hard i just glazed it you know it just kind of glazed it and pushed it

she goes oh well where was the owner did you stop and talk to the owner and i go i didn't see the owner around and now she's just freaking out she's full on like crying and i can't go you know what i just made it up i'm being a jackass so her partner this guy says cindy cindy calm down just stop he calmed her down the sobbing and the weeping subsided everyone took a deep breath and then the girl goes to me she says okay harland why don't you go ahead and read for us now dog killer she didn't say dog killer but that was in her voice man and so if you're wondering why i was never the star of my name is

Earl it's because I hit an imaginary dog I did not stop I did not talk to the owner and I made a grown woman cry oh I hate crying every Friday

I have to do a therapy session with this Dr. Ascot guy because the powers that be here think maybe I've got a nut loose and so I have a mandatory on-air therapy session Hello Dr. Ascot

Hello, Holland. Happy New Year. Yeah, it'd be a lot happier if I didn't have to do this with you. Holland. And don't start saying my name all the time. Holland. Oh, your voice creeps me out,

Doctor. Holland, stop it. What are we doing today? Holland, today, I want you to release all your anger and anxiety. Well, I don't have anger and anxiety until you come in here, and then I get upset because I don't feel like I should be doing this. Harland. What? Release. Release what?

The anger and the frustration. How am I supposed to do that? I want you to cry, Harland. You want me to what? Cry. No, I'm not gonna cry. Yes, Arlen, I need to see tears coming out of your eyes to help you release. Oh my God, I am not...

Release. What are you doing? I'm saying release. Why are you saying it like that, like a rattlesnake? Holland, release. Oh, God, you are creepy. Release. I'm not going to cry real tears. I'm sorry.

Holland. No. Holland. No. What are you doing? What are you doing with the... What is that? It's an onion, Holland. What are you doing with an onion in here?

I will make you cry if you will not cry on your... own. What are you talking about? What are you doing with that onion? Go! Get it out of my eyes! Cry, Holland! It stings! Cry, Holland! It burns!

Cry, Holland release. That's good, Holland cry. You put an onion in my eyes, you bastard. Holland release. Get him out. I can't sink. Get about it. We'll be right back. Somebody give me an eye wash kit. Release, Arlen. Shut up! We'll be right back on the Harlan Eyeway.

Good cry, Harlan. Cry. Oh my eyes. Cry release. We'll be right back. some of the things that make you really cry. And I guess this is more for the men, because women, you know, let's face it,

you can get more emotional. You can cry a lot easier than most of the dudes do. I don't want to, you know, pigeonhole everybody. But, you know, facts are facts. Women seem to let the waterworks come out a lot easier than men do. and, man, what do you cry about? I want you to call me on my voicemail and leave me a message. Tell me what makes you cry and be honest.

You know, I think all our listeners would like to know what makes a man cry these days. I'm going to share some of my tearful moments with you. I'm going to take down my guard, so I want you guys to be men, step up to the plate, and tell me what makes you cry. Somehow that didn't work together, right? I want you to be a man and tell me what makes you cry. But that doesn't really make sense. Stop whining. I want crying.

Call me at 323-215-1486. 3-2-3-215-14-86, man, call me and tell me what makes you cry. What makes a man cry these days? And here's some of mine, and I'm going to be totally honest, you know, I think it changes with age, right? Because when you're a little boy, you're a little kid, you cry, you hurt yourself, you cry when you're confused or angry. And then when you go into adolescence, you kind of get into this stage where you're stubborn and you're taking on the world. And you know the answers to everything. And then you never cry.

When you're like in that, you know, 17 to 25-year-old pocket, you don't really cry when you're a dude, you know. You'd have to see the NFL get canceled to see tears from a man at that point. But then I think as you start to age and you get a little more life experience and you go through relationships and maybe people close to you start to die or get sick, you know things happen you mature but still you don't really kind of peg men for being cry babies right like still men are pretty stoic

they're kind of you know impenetrable and they kind of wear the facade of well i'll get upset obviously but cry what what is that what am i two years old but i know that men cry over weird things you ever you ever see like these big butch sports athletes whenever they retire or wherever they trade teams you know these are guys that are getting knocked around on the football field by 300 pound quarterbacks and these are boxers these are baseball players i mean these are you know ufc guys these are supposed to

be the tough guys of society the macho man and every time they retire or pretend to retire or switch teams, they just start blubbering. And not only blubbering, but on camera for the whole world to see. So men do get emotional. I guess you just got to, maybe it's just got to be sports related. Hello, David. This is Dr. Jackson. I have some horrible news.

Yes? Your mother just passed away. Oh, that's horrible. You don't sound very upset? Well, I guess everyone has their time. Well, she passed away while watching a hockey game. Oh, hockey! Oh, no!

Well, anyways, just so I can kind of encourage you men to share, there was a point when... I can't believe I'm about to tell you this. There was a point. when I was in between jobs and I had some time off during the day. This was back in my mid-20s, I would say, maybe mid-to-late 20s. So I was a grown man, I guess. And, you know, my days would get kind of boring because you're waiting for phone calls.

You're waiting for things to happen. Well, you, you know, you got the feelers out there to get a job or whatever. And so one day I was bored and I sat down and watched some afternoon, TV and every day I guess at 4 o'clock highway to heaven came on it was this show with uh michael landin about an angel that had come back to earth to help people with their everyday trials and tribulations their moral decisions and i watched an episode and i found it moving and i was like oh i think i'll watch this show again you know it was probably one of the only positive of shows on TV ever

that didn't deal with murder and shooting and sex and it was all about trying to kind of save people and show them the righteous path to take. So I guess maybe the third or fourth episode I'm sitting there watching Michael Landon

you know dole out his wisdom and his purity and his little sidekick with the greasy beard some cheesy episode and lo and behold, guess who starts blubbering? I start crying. I'm watching Highway to Heaven on a Thursday afternoon on NBC.

One minute I'm crying, the next thing I'm watching a vagusil commercial or something. I'm like, what the hell? I'm crying. I'm watching Highway to Heaven. What is wrong with me? But then I had time on my hands for about three weeks. So I watched it every bloody night. I started loving the show.

And sure enough, I'd say maybe four or five more times. I started to cry, sit there all by myself with a bowl account chocula. Sometimes peanut butter, Captain Crunch. Just tears dropping in my cereal. I'm like, what? Am I, am I gay? Am I a girl? Am I?

What am I? And I'm like, no, I'm just a human being. I got sensitive. You know, sometimes I cry is when I watch the Olympics. When I see someone struggling across that finish line and get the gold medal. You know, you've seen these runners, the sprinters, or the people that run like 29 miles in four minutes. And their body just wants to give out and just their sheer will. and the years and years of sacrifice

and the training they've put in to cross that finish line and be first, that moves me. That gets the waterworks coming from me, man, because I just, there's something about the purity of that moment, of that person that's pushing and striving to be the very best, and they've challenged the whole world.

They've beaten the best of the best, and they probably put the relationship, relationships on hold and their social life and their finances and everything you know training eight hours a day for what so they could run through a yellow ribbon and put their arms in the air and for that brief fleeting moment they're a champion you know there's there's nobility in that there's respect there's there's tears Hey, man, why are you crying? Oh, you know, somebody just threw a shot put over 85 feet. Just barely handle it. Yeah, well, that's nothing.

Somebody just won the 100-yard dash in world record time. Oh, I'll say it isn't true. Oh, ho. Yeah. So there, I put two of them out there, guys. Okay. Highway to bloody heaven. Yeah, I cried. And when, you know, Carrie Shrug did her dismount off the pomehorse or the pole vault or whatever the hell it is,

in women's gymnastics, I wept. Okay. There. Now, it's up to you to share with me, you pansies. Don't be, don't be afraid. See, I don't have the benefit of. knowing who you are you now know who i am next time you see me out in public you go there's the loser that cries at highway to heaven you can heckle me give me hey cry baby you see any uh high jump

competitions lately boohoo boo anybody clear six and a half feet lately wah wah yeah thanks guys thanks for your sensitivity man well i can't wait to hear your stories call me leave a message 323-2-1-5-14-8-6. Guys, tell me what makes you cry here on the Harland Highway. Hey, everybody, it's Harlan Williams, and you're on the mighty Harlan Highway. And, man, am I excited? You know what we did yesterday? I asked you people to give me a call and leave me a quick little message and tell me what you thought

about the show and about me on the Harlan Highway. And I got to tell you, folks, you filled up the machine. Our answering machine was filled in record time. And, man, oh, man, I am laughing because we got some great calls from people. We got some people that just loved the show, couldn't get enough of it. Arland, you're awesome. Like a sumo wrestler on crack. We had some people that think I'm on drugs.

Just wonder if you're hammered, because you sure sound like your slurring word. Maybe it's just me. Bye. We have some people that think I do really good stuff. I listen to you since you started. I can't get enough. And we have, of course, the people that can't stand me. I can't handle you.

You're just too far out there, bro. I'm sure you're a nice guy, but, dank, I don't get you. I think you're a moron. Oh, their messages made me laugh because some of them are brutal. I'm going to air them all. I'm not afraid. I think you people should be entitled to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly. I can take it. You know, all it does is it encourages me to get better and better. And even the people that don't like me, well, they must be listening, or how would they know that they don't like me? So that tells me that somewhere deep in their grinch that stole Christmas hearts, there's something about me they like. Maybe they just take a long time to warm up to me. Your radio show is cool. Some of your little jokes, you're going too long with them.

But keep it up, buddy. You're doing a great job. Thanks, man. I love you, people. You're the reason I do this, and whether you like me or not, I just love hearing from you. I love at least getting a reaction out of you, one way or the other. I hope eventually y'all grow to love Papa,

because Daddy loves you. matter what. Keep on listening, man. We're having a good time here on the Harlan Highway. Just wonder if you're hammered, because you sure sound like your slurring words. I think you're a moron.