The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 26 - CLASSIC GOLD!

Episode Date: May 22, 2014

With all the moving around over the last few weeks it's a perfect time to catch up on the original 42 episodes that are not in the archives. Hope you enjoy this sugary cinnamon flashback treat. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. To the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is talking Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Hey, everybody, this is Harlan Williams. You're rolling down the Harlan Highway with me. And man, oh, man, do I have a cool dude in studio today? Don't laugh at yourself. I haven't introduced you. He's already, I tell him he's cool and he's laughing at himself. We have Cort McCowan, comedian, entrepreneur, actor, sexy guy.

Wow. You're a good-looking guy. Thanks, Harlan. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Well, it's good to be here. I mean, I'm a little uncomfortable now with the lava lamp going And now you're calling me sexy You're wearing a sleeveless shirt

I don't know If you put your hand on my knee, I'm gone This is not a seduction, I promise Okay, okay, good You are here because I wanted to talk to you You know, I want to dedicate this show I'm going to call this show the sex machine Oh, nice

Because you're a hot guy And you know, you've had a few girlfriends in your life, right? One or two One or two And so I thought, who better than to, you know, kind of have today's theme be talking maybe about sex and take some questions from some of our teen listeners and stuff like that. And maybe you can, you know, enlighten them. Yeah. You know, the first rule is never wear protection.

Oh, really? Tell me about that. It just deadens the feeling. It just there's no love left, you know. And forget about the risk, the SATs and the, no, what are they called? called STDs. Oh, what's an SAT? That's something I got a really low score on. Apparently I did too, because I don't even know what it is. Imagine if you could have sex and you get an SAT. That would be great. You scored like really high. The more girls you got, the higher your SAT

score went. I would have got into college. I would have been Albert Einstein. So just don't use any protection and run the gauntlet of STDs. Yes. And the other ones, the lethal life threatening. The HIV ones, yeah. So just, and what is that? That enhances the experience because that's like you're raising the risk factor? I think so. I think it's just like, it's just like jumping off a cliff. Once you've done it, it feels great. And if you survive, then you just want to do it again. Okay. Well, I think we're setting the tone here that you really know this world. And Why don't we go to a letter from one of our teens? Sure.

And see what, you know, here's a letter here from, here it is. Carol Walker. And she asks, is it true that an orgasm is more enjoyable for a guy if it happens inside his partner? Well, I mean, I get, well, if you're wearing a condom, no. Right. Definitely not. You already said no condoms. No condoms.

I mean, how is this PG-13? Are we being, we can say what we want to say. You can say whatever you want, buddy. I personally think it's up to the guy depending on what he really gets into. I mean, if a guy likes to like, if a guy likes to blow it on a girl's face, that might be more fun. Right. Than being inside a girl. Wow.

And, yeah, I guess you can't wear a condom if you're going to do. Well, you could. You could pull it off. and then you know chuck one out right on the chin but yeah and this is for teenagers right they should I don't know if teenagers a grown men can do this too yeah but teenagers might as well try it I mean teenagers always want to be like adults right yeah I haven't been a teenager for a long long time so it's how long an adult man's life okay here's here's here's one and this this might involve some of your medical expertise as well okay um this is uh sarah asks

he can't orgasm is diabetes to blame huh oh i don't know is he like a heavier dude uh let's see what it says here uh let's see my current boyfriend is having a problem this is affecting our sex life i feel as if i must be doing something wrong he has tried to reassure me he often hasn't been able to orgasm in the past with other partners and that he enjoys sex with me nonetheless that he doesn't have to come to be satisfied but I don't fully enjoy myself knowing that he won't reach orgasm it doesn't seem fair

well it sounds like maybe he's not getting it in he's just looking forward to the Klondike part I mean that's just I mean that's just a thought I don't know maybe I'm wrong oh so what you're saying is he's getting through the sex quickly so he can go get a treat exactly where for me personally she would be the treat oh right and i it sounds more like to me like she's not really i mean he is not really participating yeah yeah interesting now how about you i mean are you single right now i'm not single right now okay but in the day when you were like you know hungry like the wolf

yes did you uh did you have like a special like a pickup line or pick up lines that you would use that worked? No, I'm awful. Really? I'm awful at that. I can't, I don't have it. You know, years ago, just lots of drugs. And then at that point, you know, nobody really knew what anybody was saying anyway.

Right. But, you know, I haven't, don't do those anymore. Haven't for quite some time. Yeah. And I just was a bumbling idiot. I didn't really, I just fell into it. I got lucky. Really?

I got lucky. I don't know. The guys, when you hear a line, guys have lines. Yeah. It always cracks me up. Yeah. I mean, I've trolled the bars with you, sir, and you seem to have quite the gift of gab when it comes to meeting the ladies. Oh, yeah.

I got great lines. Yeah. You do. You want to hear one of mine? I'd love to. You've probably heard this one. Okay. Hey, how's it going?

You like fishing? Sure. Because I've got a fishing lodge. Ooh. Yeah. Can we catch salmon? that was pretty good right that's good um but you must have had a line that what if you didn't have lines what was your approach to get getting oh i you know it's weird it's like i'm really i'm like

i just i don't know i used my old approach used to be like you want to go do a bump in the bathroom what's a wait what's a bump you know the the the the devil drug cocaine oh okay that was but but i haven't done that in years i was don't recommend that to the teenagers You don't. Do not. No, that's awful. Stay away from that stuff. So sex without a condom, yes, drugs, no.

Drugs no. Got you. Negative. Okay. Okay. And they don't help with sex anyway. Why not? What's the experience?

What's the... Well, I think drugs desensitize you to sex. Wait a minute. What about that drug ecstasy I hear? Isn't that supposed to heighten all your senses and... Yeah, but you're not really there. Oh, you're watching yourself? It's like an out-of-body thing.

More or less, I think. Huh. Okay. Well, let's get to another question here from one of our teens. Do you like teens, by the way? Do you indeed like teens? Do you like kids? Over 18.

Yeah, sure. Let's see. What do we got here? At what age is a guy able to get a girl pregnant? Ooh. Yeah. Probably. Is it multiple choice?

Yeah, yeah. I'm going to probably say as soon as he is ejaculating. Okay. Whatever that is, 12, 13? Well, yeah. Probably right around in there. Yeah, okay. Be careful, all you freshman in high school.

Yeah. How about this one? This is from Timmy Davidson. If a guy ejaculates on my underwear or over my clothes, then can I get pregnant? This is from Timmy? Yeah, Timmy. Timmy, I don't think you can get pregnant.

Anyway, but give it a shot. Drive that underwear all over yourself. Just the name Timmy threw you off. I think it did. Yeah. I'm trying to be serious here. No, no, you're doing great, man. This is good advice.

If I do shrate after sex, will it prevent pregnancy? And that's not me. I'm not asking you that. Is that Timmy again? No, this is Sarah Marshall. I'm making up names. I don't know. You don't know?

I'd rather they dushed before we had sex. What is douching, man? I mean, I don't want to get too graphic here. I really don't know what it is. Remember those commercials? Oh, yeah, the massingale, just fresh feeling. Yeah, Mommy, can I ask you something? Do you douche?

Do you feel fresh? Yeah. What is it? I think it's like a cleaner for the vage. So it's like glisterine or scope. Exactly. But for the lower mouth. The lower mouth.

The one without teeth. And does it gargle? Like do you? God, I hope not. I mean, I'm asking you. I think they just shoot it up there like an enema. Like a shot? I think so.

I've never seen it done. Right. But I've much appreciated girls that have done it. Wow. It is kind of, yeah, because, you know, it's something you hear about, but I don't technically no. I mean, I grew up with that massingale, just fresh feeling. You did.

Yeah, I mean, I remember that. Never forget that. It was always like, but I was a kid, and it was always like oil and vinegar, vinegar and oil. Mm-hmm. You know, it sounds like salad dressing for eating pussy. You know, you're like, do they have it in honey mustard or, you know, maybe a little ranch or a thousand island? Just not blue cheese, right? The teens.

Oh, the teens. So it's just a thing about sanitation to keep you. Fresh. Absolutely. Okay. Okay, good. I won't ever try it. Um, let me give you one more sex question. Then we'll move on to whatever you want. Okay. I don't want to hang up on the sex, but you are, you are good at this. Bad at this. No, you are good. Let's see. Um, this is for the girls. You might not know the answer, but you, you know, let's give it a try. if I have sex on my period, am I safe from pregnancy? The answer to that question is yes. Oh, it is?

That's what I've heard. That's what I've always been told. Oh, so you don't know. You're just, it's a gander here. Well, I mean, it's sex on your period. You've got to really be involved with somebody. I mean, that's a commitment right there. Yeah.

I mean, there's towels. There's, you know, there's water. There's a cleanup crew. You've got to call in at that point. God, I'm just picturing one of those high school janitors and the blue shirt and the blue pants and that little, you know, the, they got the broom and then they got the thing on the stick. It's like a dust pan on a stick. Yeah, but you're going to need to bring in the big yellow mop bucket. Oh, wow.

And the ammonia. Remember the ammonia? Yeah. Yeah, just. And put up one of those little signs with the picture of the guy flying. Yeah. Really? I think so. I mean, have you ever in your life had sex with your girlfriend when she was on her period?

It probably could have happened, yeah. It probably could. You just didn't know? I think it probably did. I'm going back a few years because I know it hasn't happened in a long time, but when I was like, you know, in college. Yeah. And it's like nothing would stop you from. Exactly.

And then you look down at yourself and he's go, oh, my God, did I just kill her? Yeah. You know, you're like, oh, somebody died here. Right. I don't know who was. Or you think you've been injured. Right. Because you weren't expecting to see, you know, blood.

Yeah. And so you think maybe you cut yourself in there or something. Yeah. And there's also, you know, there's different times of their period. There's, you know, the beginning when it can be really ugly. Yeah. And towards the end where it could just be really smelly. What, all right, all right, look, it's a touchy topic.

Let's talk about that, the odor. Ooh. What, what, are there different kinds of odors? If there's odor, I'm out. Really? I'm out. Now, wait a minute. Is there any odor coming from there, or is there a good odor and a bad odor?

Well, I think there's a good odor. Right. You know, I'm sure there's a good odor. I mean, you know, you just don't want to smell like an old cheeseburger. What if it's got all the trimmons? Still. Wow, you are one picky eater. I'd rather go to in and out.

you'd rather go to the drive-by yeah well have you ever had like a really bad experience I did once once in college I was making love with my girlfriend yeah

and there was just this stench that eroded and I was just like what happened to this girl wow I never it never happened before but I'd been away I was in college and I was I was

at college all summer and she was back home. Yeah. And she came to visit for a weekend. And it was hot summer, Oklahoma, and it was warm. Harvest season. Harvest season. Yeah.

You know, the melons were ripe. It was all good. And then just... Melons were ripe, but the lettuce had gone bad. The avocados rotted. Yeah. I don't know what happened. Oh, wow.

But it was awful. Wow. Awful. And you ain't no non-union worker. No. Wow. I'm apt to where, I'm apt to go in anywhere, especially in college. And I was like, no, this is guy, no, I was like, see you.

Enjoy your ride back home. Now, wait a minute. Was it an odor that if you got close, you caught it? Or was it an odor that, you know, you could be sitting across from her at Red Lobster and you caught it? If you were sitting across from her at Red Lobster, or if you're at the counter at P.F. Chang's waiting for your table. You're going next door to Chipotle. Is that right? Wow.

So it was a tsunami. It was a tsunami. Wow. bad that's the only bad experience i've ever had with that and did you tell her like did you inform her that there was i don't think there's any way nobody within about 10 about i would say honestly within 20 or 30 feet couldn't get a hold of that wow go what died oh it was it was like a rotten smell oh it was awful yeah oh god it was bad it was bad yeah not good wow Okay, that's probably her calling.

Let's check it out. We'll be right back with Cort McAowen here on the Harland Highway. Mom, I've got to ask you something real personal. Do you douche? I sure do. But only with Massingville, vinegar, and water. Why Massingil, vinegar, and water? That's what my doctor recommends.

For a naturally fresh feeling, only Massingill has two vinegar and water duches, Pure, extra mild and extra cleansing when you need it. You'll see how clean and fresh Massingo makes you feel. Massingo, trusted by more women than any other brand. Hey, we're back on the Harland Highway after a word from our fake sponsor there. And so you've been kicking around Hollywood for, what, 10, 15 years now? I moved here in 1984. Wow.

And what do you tell? Because I get this all the time. Do you? You probably get this, too, but you ever, you know, run into the youngans who come to the town? They're just in town and they say, I want to be an actor, I want to be in movies, I want to do TV. What do you say to these young ones? Go home. Really?

No, I, I get the hell out of it. Don't use condoms, douche, and go home. I think this is, I think it's different for everybody. I don't think there's. anybody that i don't think there's any way you can write down the steps to getting successful in hollywood okay i really don't i think all these books out there all these things are or a joke i think you go you study with a good teacher yeah if you want to be an actor okay if you want to be a comic you go start working out in coffee houses and clubs and you know and you work

as much as you can and i i just it's it's luck yeah it's luck i mean there's guys i used i remember i used to being an acting class back in this was like 1988 yeah and and there were guys in there that were phenomenal phenomenal actors yeah phenomenal unbelievable actors yeah and studs probably too right

because it's always the good look of people that come here there was one guy I can't remember the guy's name and he was a guy who did it in a class you know he always do scenes in class sure yeah this guy did a scene from my left foot wow you know yeah sure the gimpy guy Yeah, just absolutely you wouldn't have, you wouldn't have been able to tell a difference between him and Daniel. It was that good.

The guy like a lace concrete in the valley now. What? Yeah, exactly. It's like there's no, it's, there's luck involved. Wow. There's just luck. There's people out there, and now is a joke. Now it's a joke.

What do you mean? Explain that. Are you saying it's harder now than it was back in the my left foot days? 10 million times harder now. Why? Tell me why. It's corporate run now. It's all run by corporations.

All the same. studios everything is a corporation and there's no there's very very very few really good actors that get great to get jobs in other words everything's a stunt casting job now give you a great example is yeah i remember i did an episode of hunter okay not emmy award winning tv okay but yeah it was an episode of hunter when you used to go you'd audition for a job and if you did a good audition you got the job okay now what happens is if they had the same job the show Hunter, they're going to get some movie actor or some reality show guy to come on and do the part because it's going to bring up their ad, their ads, you know, it'll help their ad sales when they advertise. Oh, you know, Jimmy from Road Rules is on, you know, Hunter tonight.

Yeah. And they'll get some of those little teenagers to tune in or they'll pry the, you know, advertisers that way saying. So they'll get a few more dollars from Pepsi or pop rocks or something. Yeah, yeah. And that's the way it's run now. not run, I think, necessarily. There's exceptions to it. There's obviously exceptions to it.

But for the most part, go look down a roster of a great agency, you know, CAA or William Morris or somebody like that. They have as many of these reality star jerk-offs as they do quality actors. I did not know that. You know, it's just one of those things. And maybe I'm bitter. No, no, I don't take it as being bitter. I think you're making a valid point, actually, because the time's

have changed. We didn't have reality shows, you know, 12 years ago. No, exactly. And now and even now the reality shows are becoming worse and worse and worse. There was one that was on a celebrity, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here. Yeah, right. Where they had

mostly reality stars on there, and Stephen Baldwin, because he's on every reality show that's available. And they put all these people on there, and it's like, it's like, who are these people? Yeah, they're not, they're celebrities from doing reality shows.

Exactly. They're not true celebrities based on any, you know, theatrical credentials or contributions or anything like that. Yeah, the word celebrity now is the most overused,

underappreciated word there is. I don't know. What about the word the word, that's used a lot? I still say celebrity. It is. Okay, I just had to throw that in there because the can be underappreciated

and it is used quite a bit. Exactly. But, I mean, look at today. They have people that they're like go, like look at a red carpet. Go to a wire image sometime just for, just for shits and giggles. Go to a wire image things. Wire image.com. Yeah, wireimage.com.

Right. And look at the, go to an opening of a movie or the opening of some event or something. Yeah. And I will bet you anything. I'll put whatever you want on it. That there is more of these reality jerkoffs than there are actual real quality yeah you know talented people there i mean singers if you're a talented person if you're a singer you either suck or you don't suck right acting is a little bit more it's harder to i guess gauge

yeah if someone's a great actor or a good actor you know but singers you can tell it's either and then it's even then it's a little bit like do i like that kind of singing do i not like that kind of singing yeah but even then i feel like with singers nowadays too they can hide it they can process it like you know you hear just and timber like on the radio. Not that I listened very long. I always tuned the channel but he sounds so in pitch and like he's got

maybe got some okay vocals and then I watched him live on an award show once and he was just, he couldn't sing with beans. Right, okay, good, that's a great example. But on the other side of that too is look at the way, look at what the guy creates. I mean, as a creative person. I mean, he

does create these great, these great big shows, the music he writes, you know, a lot of the lyrics he's involved in and he's producing and putting it all together. There's talent involved there. So let me get this straight. Just for the record before we move on, you are defending Justin Timberlake. I am.

Okay. Just for the record. I will. I'll defend Justin. You're a Timberlake kind of guy. I don't like Justin Timberlake's music. I'm not a fan of his music at all. But I'm just saying as a person that's creative, he is a creative, talented person.

He may not be the best singer in the world, but he is a creative, talented person. Now, let's talk about the biggest celebrities in their world of reality TV, now, Heidi and Spencer. Right, and I don't even know who they are, by the way. They're from a show called MTV called The Hills. I don't watch the show, but I do know who they are just simply because they're on every website and on TV constantly. It's like, these are the most two unattractively talented hacks. Talented or talent list? Talentless, excuse me.

Wow, I thought, wait a minute. Where's what? Thank you for correcting me. Yeah, I didn't want, I didn't want, you know, people to think your message was askew because, you know, with the no condom thing. Yeah, yeah. And the, and the douche thing, you were crystal clear. Yeah. And there you got, you got, I think it's because you got so impassioned about it.

I'm a passionate about it. I despise these two people. Right. There we go. Okay. I despise what they stand for and why people still, you know, go to their, you know, look at all their stuff. It's just like, ugh. Wow.

They're awful people. Oh. You know, I just saw you watching your face while you said that and your voice. I'm going to cut that and play it back again. I'm going to play it about four times. Just you're going, they're awful people. You just, there was so much passion in that. Well, I mean, the great example is this guy, this, this Hojo could go get a movie made tomorrow.

Wait a minute. Before you go, hold that. What is a Hojo? That's a new term for me. Okay, Hojo. You know there's Howard Johnson's? Howard Johnson's not exactly a high-end hotel. Okay.

The low-end version of Howard Johnson's is called the Ho-Joe Inn. Got you. They're a lower version than the low end. So they're like a Motel 6 on the scale of maybe even a Motel 4. Do those exist? They're a Motel 2 that has DNA on the bedspread that hasn't been cleaned by the made. They're like two exits away from Motel hell. Yes, exactly beyond.

It's just they are everything that's wrong with America. Wow. Well, I think we've put a nail in kind of the downside of modern day Hollywood, but, you know, we're coming towards the end of the show here, and I certainly don't want people, as you said earlier ago, you know, you alluded to that you were bitter, and you're not. You're stating the obvious. So why don't we go out of the show and you can tell maybe our listeners, what's a positive side to Hollywood these days? What's something good that maybe aspiring creative professionals could, look forward to very good question sir i i'll say this is that i think that there's anything's attainable and i think you can have a lot of success here a lot of success here if you just keep being creative and keep working really hard i i think that a lot of people kind of want to come here and just be famous right it's like it takes hard work there's nobody that it doesn't just happen overnight i mean a lot of people look at george cluny and they go oh this guy just became famous he did like 19 failed shows sure yeah before he ever you know hit the one that that that

made the money and every now and then there's an anomaly there's there's there's there's like that odd completely stunning looking girl or someone stumbles into instant fame but it you're right it's it's very rare it's it's rare and there's a lot of people out there that you know that that i think are are amazing people that work in this industry you know and and it's like you watch these guys over and over and or girls and everything and it's like wow i love that i mean you're a great example i mean you've done acting you've done stand up you do you know what you're doing here the animation and you keep moving and keep moving I think as long as you don't ever close a door as to what the possibilities are right

you know I mean I never thought I do stand-up you know I started out acting and it's right yeah eight years ago I started doing stand-up I'm not great at it don't say that I'm pretty good at you're pretty good I by the way just for you listeners I've worked with court on many occasions we've worked at the improvs and in Vegas and we'll probably do a lot more stuff down the road but if you get a chance do you have a website court i just say go to facebook go to facebook yeah court mccallon on f court mccallon and you have your uh your schedule up there and your places where you're going to be doing stand up and whatnot yeah that and the old my space trick you know you got my space and facebook it's it's hard to have a website anymore you know it's so much easier

just to have the the facebook or you know whatever but yeah but i mean i think it's i think it's possible i think it's possible for anybody to do anything here i think it's a great you know as long as you keep working hard it'll happen and the other thing is is don't make your don't i guess gauge happiness on how much money you have no you can't do that is i mean i'm a really happy person and i have no money um i'm a very very happy person well think about it some of the happiest times in your life or when you didn't have a lot of money and sometimes when you have more money it it generates problems i think it generates stress yeah and i and i i tell you right i'm as happy as i can be i'm I really am, and it's like, and I don't think it's gauged by the amount of success you have.

It's in here. Yeah, I think there's a maturity that you get to where it's, like, I'll never forget, like, when you used to wait tables. Right. I used to go, I can't wait to get a job so I can quit, you know, oh, that's all I need is a job so I can quit. And I started realizing, luckily I don't have to wait tables right now. Knock on wood. But it's like, even if I did, it wouldn't be about that. It wouldn't be about wanting to quit.

It would just be about, well, let's just have a good time today. Well, maybe that is, it sounds like Cort McCowan, do you believe in the other side of rainbows? I do indeed. And why don't we just leave that thought with our aspiring talents who might be headed this way, who we might even work and rub shoulders with one day. But, you know, court kind of gave us a window into the downside of Hollywood, but also left us on an upnote where I believe what you're saying is anything's possible. and you, Cort McAwan, believe in the other side of that rainbow.

I believe I'm dancing naked in a pot of gold as we speak. Oh, man. Let's hope there's no leprechauns crawling up your leg, buddy. Cort, thank you for being on the Harlan Highway. Harlan, thanks for having me, pal. It was great. Don't forget, check out Cort McAwan on Facebook, on MySpace. You can find out where Cort's going to be doing his shows and everything else.

And, you know, before you take off from the studio today, Court, just quickly, I happen to have just a couple of extra douches hanging around. If you're up for a quick douche before you go. Why not? Okay, there you go. Wet and wild. Me and Cort McCallad, douching it out, G-style here on the Harland Highway.