The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 27 - CLASSIC GOLD!

Episode Date: July 21, 2014

As we try to catch up to the original 42 episodes that were never posted properly, here is classic # 27. Enjoy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Ah! Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. To the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important.

My name is Sophie Tina, and I'm going to kill you. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Hey, this is Harland Williams on the Harland Highway, and I've been getting some great messages on my answering machine. And you, too, can leave me a great message. Here's one I just love, and I turn this one into a game. It's a little game I called, Let's see if you can find the swear words. And just to help you along, I mean, just to make it easier for you, because sometimes it's not easy to pick out the swear words. We're going to put a funny little sound in there, just so you're sure you know exactly where the swear words came in.

So here we go, everybody, a great message at a little game called Let's Find the Swear Words. Hey, Harlan, this is Brandon Smith. I saw you at Comedy Works while we're going, you know what? You're fucking hilarious. Oops, I just cussed. Oh, well. But you know what? I don't care if anybody calls you're retiring, man.

You're funny, and you have a lot of cool stuff to talk about. Keep it up, man. How'd you do? Did you find the magic swear words? I bet you did, you little monkeys. Hey, Arlen, can you do a little skit about trying to log on and buy tickets for like the Denver Nuggets online because it took me like an hour? And they only give you a minute to do a page. And then if you forgot your password, it logs you out and you've got to start all over again. So I think that would be a funny little skit for you to do to talk about how hard it is. to log on and buy tickets for places. Thanks a lot, Harlan.

Keep up the good work. Okay, fair enough, man. I guess I could try a request. I mean, don't you hate it when you go online and you want to buy tickets to an event to a movie or a concert or the UFC or the Denver Nuggets? I mean, isn't it crazy that this page opens up and all of a sudden there's this little timer

it says you have three minutes to complete your request. And if you don't complete it in three minutes, Well, screw you, buddy. We're shutting you down, and you're going to try it again. You're going to learn to go faster or you're not coming to our lousy event, okay? So let's try it again. Here we go. We want your credit card number.

We want your name. We want your maiden name. We want your last name. We want your date of birth. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, you're out of time. Try it again, loser. You know what?

We don't even want you coming to this event. You know what? The next time you try to log on, we're putting this timer on. It's going to be a bomb. and your little computer's going to blow up and you're going to die if you don't get it done in time, loser! Okay, there you go. That was a little request from you to me and right back to you.

Hi, Harlan. I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your radio show because you make me laugh every day on the dismal drive home. I really, really like your humor. I mean, I really... I don't know if I can express how much... I mean, you're really something. You're really something. You're all that, and an order of fries, too.

I'm glad to find out your single, because I want to marry you or adopt you. We're both in color my dreams, you little love monkey. Bye. Oh, wow. Somebody out there likes Daddy. Hello. I'm a little love monkey. Monkey, monkey, monkey.

Reminds me those three monkeys. You ever see that little illustration? or a little carving of the three monkeys, right? One of them has their hand over their mouth. One of them's got the hand over the eyes. One's got it over the ears, right? What does it? Speak no evil.

See no evil. Hear no evil. And it's monkeys. Okay. I don't know the last time I was ever robbed at gunpoint by a monkey. I don't know the last time a monkey flipped me off on the highway. I don't know the last time a monkey shouted profanities at me. I don't know the last time a monkey gave me the stink eye.

So what the hell are monkeys doing representing the hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil, huh? Shouldn't we have people that deserve it more? put humans on that little carving you know put historical figures or people we don't like Bill Clinton, Hitler, and Richard Simmons I don't know, I just randomly picked three

you know I guess see no evil because who wants to look at Richard Simmons and speak no evil right Bill Clinton I did not have sexual relations with that woman

but I am interested in a monkey with his hands over its eyes and then what was the last one speak no evil or hear no evil Hitler and that one just speaks for itself where do you go with Hitler I mean that maybe that's just him

it should be all three they should combine that statue of the Indian goddess that has six arms, right? Okay, and I think she has an elephant head. So we take the elephant head off of that figure. We put a monkey head on there. No, we put Hitler's head on there.

And then we have the six arms doing all three, see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil at once. So there it is Hitler, like an octopus, and he's got hands over his ears, eyes in his mouth how will we even know it's Hitler it'll just be a a blob of clay covered by hands be like hand monster speak no evil words man words can be evil words can be evil how about these two words fine print you familiar with those words huh have you ever

signed a contract where there's been some fine print have you signed a contract or a document where there hasn't been fine print and who came up with fine print isn't the very nature of it just deceiving like let's say you get a four-page contract for a job or a health insurance policy or you're buying a new car or your mortgage and there it is clauses 1 through 12 perfectly big legible even a person with bad eyesight can read through them legibly coherently and then you get down to the final point point 15 and that appears to be the end of the contract but wait look at this a half page of fine print for some reason they decided that they had to make this part of the contract really small like like as if you had a mouse

that did all your business affairs. Well, I got through the big part of the contract. Bring the mouse in to read the tiny little letters. Bring the mouse in for the mouse writing and all and whatnot. Could you read through that fine print for me, mouse? Because I don't think any human eye could even pick that out. I don't even know if the Hubble Telescope could read that fine print. But come on even, mouse, what's that say?

me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh, is that good? Excellent, I'll sign, okay. What the hell is fine print? Doesn't that just suggest that something shady's going on? It's like, well, we've got this beautiful contract, but there's this one part of our contract. You know, we don't really want, you know,

people to really pay attention to and see, so we'll just put it in there and find print, you know. I mean, come on. It's probably the part of the contract where you get hosed or things ain't what they seem to be, right? So they put it in fine print. And what's so fine about it? It ain't so fine.

It ain't so fine when you're going to cash in your life insurance policy or your property insurance or your car insurance. and, well, it looks like I got in a head-on collision. My car's completely totaled, so I guess you'll be getting me a new car then? Oh, no, no. You obviously didn't read the fine print where it says, we want nothing to do with you, and we will take possession of your house.

What? Yes, it's in the fine print. Isn't it fine? Isn't it fine the way the print worked out for us and not you? Isn't it just fine, Jim Dandy, G.D. Incredible? I don't know how fine I feel about it. Why don't they call it the up yours print? What's the fine print?

How about the screw you print? You've been hosed print. Look, if it's part of the legitimate contract, put it up in big writing with everything else so we can read it and see it. and not have to bring in the mouth. Yeah, I know. Even on commercials, man, you look at commercials,

there's a commercial about a credit card or some kind of wonder drug or some kind of airline ticket or even a car commercial. And even on commercials, they superimpose this fine print at the bottom, like a disclaimer. But you ever notice it's like it's barely, legible they write it I guess there's a font called a ghost

font or something like Casper and the ghostly trio must have come up with this font it's like translucent and opaque and you can see right through it and you can barely make it out and the new Ford Prius and then in fine

print will explode if you accelerate to over 35 miles an hour and your family will be killed but we're not responsible right have you seen it And who has time to read fine print during a television commercial? First of all, you're watching the commercial. It's a car, a shiny new car, a bag of chips, or a babe in a bikini.

Like, are you really looking at the ghost lettering at the bottom of the screen that you can barely read? And on top of that, they put it up for about 3.2 seconds. Fine print. Fine print, my hairy. ass cheeks. It's just been renamed. It's screw you print. Okay?

There, I got it out. People ripping you off out there. Watch out, people. Read the fine print. And keep on listening to this fine show with me, Harlan Williams, The Harlan Highway. Shut up.

Meem, me, me, me, me, yours. Okay, okay, I admit it. This next segment that I'm about to do is going to alienate the entire police force from good old Harland. You know, they're not going to like me after this little segment, but you know what? It's comedy and I got to do it. And here's what I'm talking about, men in blue. You've got that thing on the side of your car to serve and protect. You know, that little logo you have?

I figure I and everyone listening are taxpayers. you're advertising, you're driving around advertising that you serve and protect and you're supposed to be working for us, the people. And I've never really taken you up on the serve and protect thing. So here's what I'd kind of like you to do. I'm going to throw a barbecue as it starts to warm up here in the next few weeks. I'm going to buy a whole bunch of goodies, hot dogs and hamburgers and all that yummy stuff. since you're so big on the serving thing, I'm going to sit pool side

and a couple of you men in blue are going to come over and grill it up for me and serve it to me. Yeah, a nice weenie and a nice burghie, okay? A cheese burgy and a cheese weenie. And then one of the other cops can go and serve me up a nice margarita. And another one can serve me up a nice margarita. chocolate shake and just so you know I don't have any trouble when I start cranking the tunes really really loud and the neighbors try to send the police I want some of you other police

to protect stand right out in front of my joint and stop the police from coming in and turning down my music yeah I like that to serve and protect no you guys guys are should change it to serve and protect and pool clean and house clean and massage because i would love all those things but we'll do the massage part from the female officers okay do we have a deal no okay you know i'm just joking right guys right i got the little logo on my car it says i love the police i was just joking don't give me a ticket that's my motto uh Don't give me a ticket. I love the police.

I was just joking about that bit I did on the Harland Highway. That's the sticker on the side of my car. Right, guys? Right? We're still buddies? Okay. Can I get you a cheese weenie? A burgy?

A cheese burgy? Whatever you want. I'm here for you. Serving your needs on the Harland Highway. Yeah, I know. I'm pushing it. I'm really pushing it with the men in blue. Although, what about state?

Where you ever been to the states where the cops wear brown? Some of the states the cops have brown outfits. The men in brown? I don't know, man. Did you get mixed up with a UPS driver and the cop? Pull over, pull over. Your package must be delivered before five o'clock. Pull over.

Sorry, officer. Was I speeding? No, but I. could I see your way bill please excuse me we'd like to track your package ma'am are you a cop no I work for UPS yeah could get confusing right and brown is not really a flattering color brown is kind of for a uniform that should be like a plumber's uniform well I'm off to work honey is my crap brown uniform ready I'm off to unplug some drains.

Excuse me. See, I could cut this out. I could edit out my big sneeze, but I'm keeping it real, man. That was a big sneeze, wasn't it? It's like, you know, sometimes you inhale a little kernel of pepper, or you inhale like a little dust. I think I must have just inhaled like a gerbil or a hamster or something.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Achoo! Horton, here's a who. But anyways, what color are the cop uniforms where you live? Hmm, interesting. But blue and black seem to be the traditional colors, because isn't blue and black the color you become when the cops beat you? No, I'm not going there.

You know what, I'm one of these guys. I'm not going to pick on the, And I don't even like the term cop. It seems derogator. I'm going to say police. I'm actually one of those guys that has respect for the police, man. Like, think about your job. You're an accountant, you're a waiter, you're a whatever you are.

Think of all the dorks and dicks and annoying people you have to deal with every day that test your temper and your patience, right? And you just want to lean back and wail on them and tell them to shut up and slap them. and that's just people like complaining about their food if you're a waiter or that's uh you know people being obnoxious on the phone if you're a telemarketer whatever you do you're always going to get rubbed the wrong way by people so imagine if you're a cop and you're getting rubbed the wrong way but your life is at stake the guy rubbing you the wrong way is wielding a shalele or uh has a semi-automatic and he's the guy

giving you attitude. Okay? Or someone's lipping off to you. Day in and day out, people lip off to you and, you know, cause crap. And you're used to the criminal element. You're used to surprises and you're used to people being unpredictable and cranked up on drugs and an emotional frenzy. And, you know, let's face it, people can go off and be weird.

So when you're a cop, you build a career on, waiting for these landmines to go off, these human landmines. And so let me ask you this. When you see a cop wailing on someone, you know, when they pull a guy out of a car after he's been leading him on a high-speed chase for four hours, do you really think maybe that they deserve to take a crack at the guy? You know, everyone's so worried about police brutality

and the rights of the guy. What about the rights of society? This dill weed. just drove 300 miles an hour through your community and could have run over your child. Too many lives this dillweed put in jeopardy? I think it should be mandatory for the cops to wail on these dill weeds. How do you like the word dillweed?

Isn't that a spice or an herb or something, dillweed? But no, I'm serious, man. You know, a lot of these guys, there's no deterrent to being a criminal. What about if the deterrent is that if the cops grab you, they beat your sorry ass. And you bloody deserve it, man. If you're not doing anything bad, you're fine. When you're clearly sneaking out the back window of a bank with a pillow slip full of money over your shoulder, or you're running down the street firing a firearm into the air,

or you punch someone in the face right in front of the cops, and you're, you know, you've been seen. engaging in criminal activity yeah pop them in the head man i'm more concerned about the rights of all the people who might get hurt versus the rights of a low life everyone's so sensitive in this country man i remember seeing uh one of these cop specials on tv once right you know it's like we got caught bad boys bad boys what you're gonna do and the cops are like they're borderline uh dr phills on these shows on these shows shows, man. They come up on low-life crack dealers and prostitutes and car thieves and they're like,

okay, how do you feel? Can you tell us why you did this? And, you know, we'd like to ask a few questions, but you're entitled not to answer us at all. It's totally you're right to not say a word. And can we get you a hot water bottle and some freshly baked muffins from the back of our car? Yeah, we actually have a toaster of it in the glove box now so we can soothe the criminals we pull over. Okay, so let me get back to the cop show. There was one where they're showing cop shows from all over the world, okay? And the Russians, I think the Russians are badasses, you know.

So they showed a clip from a cop show in Russia, man, right? And then hidden cameras, they'd done a stakeout. So these guys were definitely criminal element. they were showing the guys making gun trades drug deals they had hidden cameras in the apartment or the hotel room or wherever they were okay there was probably about six or seven bad guys okay so we see the cops bust in the russian cops there's probably like nine of them 12 of them they come in and just start wailing okay they're punching guys in the face they're kicking guys under the table even when they're down and the guys have their hands up in a

no don't hit me position they're just wailing on them blood coming out of their faces do i feel sorry for them no i'm sorry these low lives are dealing in a legal activity there's rules in society and you're going to i know but the cops have rules too yeah but we wouldn't need cops if everyone else stuck by the rules but we need cops because these low lives don't do it, so let's teach them a lesson. Once they're in jail, it's kind of cushy, isn't it? Maybe you'll think twice about shoplifting or breaking into a barn or ripping off a car.

If you know, three cops with big muscles and billy clubs, you're going to wail on your fat ass. Honestly, man. The rights of the criminals. Are you kidding me? Now, don't get me wrong, okay? let's look at the Rodney King case that was reverse of what I'm talking about

okay a I'm going to give it to the cops that they were irritated they had to chase the guy they were pissed they're in a high state of adrenaline and alert and you know they dealt with this guy before Rodney King was no stranger to them he was definitely had some criminal activity in his past okay they were amped up

okay drop the guy to the ground and that's it now to keep wailing on a guy to the point where you're going to kill him and there's like 12 guys against one and you're tasering them and you just keep going and going and going and the guy was like you know pulled over for a traffic ticket or whatever that i don't like to see and I know I sound contradictory to what I was just saying but let me make myself perfectly clear when there is clarity when there is

there is proof right there you catch the criminal in the act or or there's there's cameras there's surveillance of the crime and you're right on top of it just wail on these people okay there you go i've said it yeah i'm a psycho does that make me a psycho or does it just

make me a guy that's tired of our system and seeing so many victims victimized again when these criminals are handled with kid gloves and i'm not even getting into the people that are repeat offenders and just keep getting out and keep escalating their violence and that's probably the courts calling me right now. Hold on. Okay, I'm back. I had to take a phone call. That was, uh, that was City Hall telling me to shut up,

keep my opinion to myself or they're sending a squad car over to beat me. No, I guess I've said what I've had to say about that topic. It's a little, I realize, you know, reflecting on it, it's a little contradictory. I'm saying, beat the crap out of criminals, but then I talk about Rodney King and I'm like, don't beat the crap out of them and so I don't know.

Maybe it's all just I'm a little confused by it. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything, but I did. I'll let you decide, okay? But something should be done, man. Oh, I beat myself up just talking about this stuff. I should probably beat myself right into a coma so I shut up.

But this is the first topic where I've kind of been mixed. Well, clearly, look at me, I'm just rambling on about it because I feel a little bit perplexed here that I went all the way with beat the criminals and the Russians and I loved it. But then when I remembered Rodney King, I didn't love that. I was very upset about that.

So for the first time, I'm kind of like in my own tug of war here. Can you tell by my voice and by the things I'm saying? But I don't know. Someone come here and beat me into a coma and I'll shut up about it. Maybe I'll recollect my thoughts and try and get back to you. But I'd like to hear your thoughts. 323-215-1486. What do you think we should do when we lay our hands on a criminal cot in the act?

Let me know while you're dial on the phone, I'm going to go get in my coma. Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, you're on the Harlan Highway. And here's a creepy story, man. Apparently yesterday some woman who had been in a coma for like eight years woke up for three days, started talking everybody, said she felt fine, and then went right back into the coma after three days. I mean, can you really blame her? I mean, you'll wake up.

Britney Spears has shaved her head. Rosie O'Donnell's back on primetime television. The show lost is completely lost. Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy are still on. Pamela Lee has been married and divorced 10 times and had her boobs done 10 times. Global warming is. killing us. The Harland Highway.

Yeah, I'd go back to sleep too, man. Oh, sleep in, baby. Hopefully you'll hear the Harland Highway in your dreams. Thank you.