The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 28 - CLASSIC GOLD!

Episode Date: September 4, 2014

As we work our way back to episode 42 please enjoy this classic show! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is Sunky Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Honk, honk, tut, teep. Beep! You're on the Harland Highway. Welcome, everybody. I hope you're having a good time here on the highway. Rolling along, running over toads as they cross the road, mushrooms, snakes, old people, and lost children. Life is not easy on the road. Speaking of running over toads, okay, I never know what time of year these are going to play. So I'm just going to tell you it was summer. It's July.

I don't know what month it is where you live, weirdo. Okay, but it's July where I am, a whack job. And I got up to my cottage this week. I have a cottage in northern Ontario, and that's in Canada, for those of you that are completely clueless. um i shouldn't say it's my cottage it's my family's cottage my parents own it and i have four sisters and i'm the brother and we kind of share the duties you know we pay the taxes and you know look at the uh upkeep we uh maintain the old shack and don't get any uh grand illusions that it's like one of those fancy cottages with, uh, you know, a boat house and three stories and a balcony

and a chalet like roof. No, no, no, no, no. This is a true story. I didn't know this. My mother told me this, this weekend when I was up at the cottage. When they bought our cottage, it cost two and a half grand to build the cottage. Okay, back in the day, I think the thing's 45 years old cost two and a half thousand dollars to build the cottage it's been doing the job for 45 years i went and priced out some new cottages while i was up there in case i wanted to rebuild um three grand 300 grand 300 how many of my normal cottages could i build for 300 grand, if they were at two and a half grand a pop. I'm not good at math, but I think I could do a whole city.

I could build a whole, like a house for everyone in Australia for 300 grand. But anyways, my point was I was driving home at night, went into town. You'll have to excuse my cough. Sorry, I know. How stupid, right? the summer you get a cold what doesn't what doesn't fit here summer equals heat equals cold i don't think so um well here's what i'll do i'll close the door going over here i'm closing the door no cool night air on me there that should help alleviate the coughing

It's at any wonder I'm coughing. I'm sitting here with my back to the open studio door, the night chill wrapping itself around me, and I'm coughing my face off trying to do the Harlan Highway for you, people. Might have to send me an ambulance. But anyways, I'm driving home at night on this dirt road that leads to our cottage, and just a ton of little toads. toads and frogs jumping all over the road you can just see them in the light you're going

like 40 miles an hour frogs jump at about what one mile an hour right and i'm like i'm one of these conscientious guy what did i just say conci conscientious conscientious yeah that's right i have trouble with the big words people um but i I'm conscientious. I like frogs. I like toads. I like me my amphibians. I like any, any creature that has the chutzpah or the Gestapo or whatever the word is. Whatever the hutzpah to sit on a lily pad and bask in the sun, that animal has my respect. I mean, does anything sound more relaxing than sitting around in a swamp on a nice shiny lily pad catching some rays i mean picture yourself floating around on an air mattress and a swimming pool okay with a cold one in your hand pretty chill right now crank

it up a notch and imagine just loafing around on a lily pad baby snatching flies out of the air Anyways, back to my point. God, Harlan, let's go. Okay, I was driving around. It was the middle of the night. I'm trying to get back to the cottage, and there's tons of these frogs and toads jumping around on the dirt road. And I'm, like, you know, dodging them like those orange cones at your driving test. Right?

I'm weaving in and out of them. I'm swerving all over the road. These little guys, you don't know which way they're going to hop. Some of them look like they're depressed. They hop rate into your turn. You're like, what? No, you idiot, I was going around you And you hopped right into my grill, you dummy.

And you just think, man, how many of those guys did I flattened, poor little fellas? But I try to avoid killing them. Can you imagine the weight of a car on you if you're a frog? I mean, think about it. Okay, we're all human beings, right? You could get hit by a car, and you, you, you know, Normally, you'll roll, you'll get rolled over, you'll bounce off a windshield. Imagine what would have to roll over us as human beings to be the equivalent of the weight of a car,

okay, on a frog or a toad. And those guys are kind of like, you know, flubbery anyways, right? You'd need like, probably need like 15 or 15. army tanks. It would be the equivalent of like 30 diesel train engines. Just supreme amounts of weight coming down on you. And you're just jumping across a road trying to get a fly. Oh, that mosquitoes had it, man.

I'm going to get... Oh, it looks like I got it. Yeah. But anyways, nothing beats the old... cottage, right? Fishing, you know, I'd go out fishing by myself, right? You're casting into the weeds. Here's what I do. I have a lake full of bass, man. Smallmouth bass. And here's what I do. I grew up on this lake, so I know all the good fishing spots, right? And there's this one place on the far side of the lake where there's no cottages. It's still crown land owned by the government, right? So nobody's built there. still wild and about, I don't know, maybe 25 feet off the shore.

There's these weed beds, right? And these weeds and these water lilies and lily pads and they all like float there, right? And they're in about, maybe about, I'd say, 12 feet of water, maybe 10. and then right after the weeds stop, the lake takes kind of a natural dip, like down below. It's kind of like in the ocean when you see a coral reef and then you kind of go off the end of the reef and it just sinks down into the depths.

That's what this is like. After you get past the weeds, the shelf of the lake just goes right down. Sinks deeper. I don't even know how much deeper, but... So it's ideal for these bass. in the weeds and they can patrol the shallow side and they can patrol the deep side from the sanctity of their weed bed.

So what I do being the ever clever human man, I perch like about 40 feet off the end of these weeds and I guess that would put me about 80 feet, maybe 90 feet from the actual shoreline and I just drop anchor and I cast in. Cast in at the weeds. Cast in lures, rappellas, Meps. And then when those don't work, I go to my old trusty standby. My dewworms, man. I buy a dozen dew worms at the grocery store.

They get them right in there with the Pepsi. I go to the later, I go, yeah, you got worms? She goes, yeah, right there in the Pepsi cooler beside the Mountain Dew. Okay. Sure enough. boxes of dewworms so i put my worms on and man they always work i don't know if fish have good nostrils but they must smell them although i got to say it's always been a bit of a mystery to me how a fish would be tricked by something called an earthworm okay how does earth and

water mix. Okay, you're a fish. You live in the water. Okay, right? You swim around. Your whole existence is water. For all you know, land doesn't even exist. Because, A, you're in the water your whole life, and B, you're a dumb-ass fish. So land isn't even something you think about. It's not like you have a real estate agent in Florida who's looking. So all of a sudden, you're in the water your whole life, and an earthworm shows up. He's crawling around at the bottom of of your lake and earthworm? Hello hint, hint, hint, dumbass, earthworm. And they go for man. That's like going to IHop for us fatties here in America. Imagine you're just sitting in your office one day and a stack of buttermilk pancakes somehow lowered down from the air conditioning

vent. How many of you would just go, what the hell? No, no, you'd, you'd, you'd snap at that like a bass going for a worm at the bottom of the lake for sure man anyways very peaceful very enjoyable just like being right here on the harland highway hey hey hey everybody you're driving down the harland highway with harland williams and do you know that the harland highway just goes and goes and goes it goes through just about every town and city in existence. And every day and then, I like to get off on a little exit ramp and go get a bite to eat. And right now I'm coming up on a little town in Canada.

Yeah, I'm way up north in a little town in the province of Newfoundland. And believe it or not, I kid you not, ladies and gentlemen, there's a tiny little town in Newfoundland called Dildo, Dildo Newfoundland. and I'm a little lost, so I'm going to jump on my cell phone here and see if I can find my way to the local fine restaurant. Good evening, Friends Kitchen. Hi, how are you tonight? Not too bad.

Good, what time you open till? Open until 10. Oh, boy, I'm all turned around. I've been driving all over Dildo trying to find your place. So how do I get up there from In On the Bay? In On the Bay. You come on up to a road. It's called Station Road.

You know where you go towards the, what would I call it? Just go towards the back of the cove or whatever? The back of the co. Is that at the tip of dildo? Yes. You're in dildo now. I'm in dildo now. You're at the end by the bay?

Yeah, I'm right down. I think I'm at the bottom of the dildo. Okay. Is there a road coming off? Oh, there's a big, big long road. It looks like it goes, is that the tip of dildo I see up ahead? Road you're going to take all kinds of signs on the cribbing they call it. Are you right over in the cold?

God, I didn't know, this is, I'm all mixed. I didn't know dildo was so big. How big is dildo? Oh, it's not that big. It's not a big dildo? It's not, no. Oh. Okay, so I go, I think I'm on the right road now.

Okay, I see it. Station Road, and then you come up there, and when you come down Station Road, you turn right. Okay, I turn right. And do you have any dildo specials tonight? No, I got turkey pot pies on special, and I have salmon and cod and cartons available, and my menu items are available. Oh, do you still have that dildo omelet that you used to have? Dildo omelet, I can make an omelet, yeah. Oh, you can make me a dildo omelet?

I don't know, sir. All right. Well, I will try and get there before 10, and thank you for the directions. I'm new to dildo, so... Yes, go ahead. Well, thank you very much. I'll see you soon. Bye.

Bye-bye. Oh, man. Wow. What a treat. Lost in Dildo, huh? Forget about getting lost in New York or Los Angeles, man. I just got lost in Dildo What a nice lady though

Huh Wasn't she nice Well you know what they say You can take the girl out of Dildo But you can never take the Dildo out of Well, come on, you know the rest Oh What an exciting adventure

Our little side trip to Dildo Here on the Harland Highway Okay So this is something I brought up in one of the earlier podcasts. I don't know if you caught it or not, but I was talking about, you know, body odor. People working out at the gym. And, you know, of course you're going to sweat and you're going to stink and, you know, whoopi do.

But there are always some people that just stink. Like, high heaven, like if it was a bunch of animals working out in the gym, there's definitely a couple of skunks, okay? And I was talking about on the show before, there's one guy just you can smell them coming, and after he got on a machine, his reek would be all over the leather, on the benches, and ugh.

So sure enough, here it is, years later, and I'm on the old treadmill, right? And I'm just motoring away on the treadmill, listen to the iPod. I'm enjoying some tunes. and all sudden this guy walks up and I don't think much and he gets on the treadmill like two over for me right and suddenly I start smell it I start smelling I can't help but say this but it smelled like a tangy submarine sandwich like you know how a submarine could smell like

tuner, cold cuts, but every now and then you get one that's just got like oil and vinegar and I don't know, it's, it's kind of tangy, you know, it's got a distinct, like, kind of Italian smell or something. And I'm not saying the guy on the treadmill was Italian. I'm not going to racially profile, okay? I'll just say it was a guy. And so I'm running, you know, And you're running to stay trim, you're running to lose weight. And all of a sudden, here's someone beside me running, and they smell like a submarine sandwich. And initially I'm just like appalled.

I'm like, are you kidding me? Are you kidding me, Lord Jesus? Lord Savior up above. I'm here to lose weight, stay trim, and you put someone who smells like food near me. And it's disgusting. I want to vomit. I mean, can you imagine someone's B.O. stinking so bad.

They smell like a sandwich. A 12-inch-long meat-filled sandwich with oil and vinegar? Good Lord. I swear I almost saw like shards of lettuce and green peppers coming out from under this guy's baseball hat. I was like Jughead from the Archie comics. I started imagining he was like a real... submarine sandwich but here's the weird thing i'm running away i'm appalled i'm grossed out i'm nauseated i'm offended and then as i'm running for about five six minutes all of a sudden

you know this smell is getting under my skin i'm going wait a minute this this hairy smelly guy next to me he's gone from like being disgusting and appalling to wait what's that no could it be he's delicious yeah he went from like smelling like ass to smelling delicious suddenly my my senses went flipped around on me and they went from like wanting to get away from the reek to my brain and stomach going wait a minute there's a delicious sandwich something somewhere near here. Your saliva glands start gone and your stomach's rumbling

and suddenly I kind of wanted to move nearer to this guy. He went from smelling like to smelling delicious. Bizarre, huh? Oh well, what do you smell like? Huh? Anybody out there smell like a nice

lobster dinner with some mashed potatoes on the side? Because I want to sniff you. Sniff you here on the Harlot Highway. Did you hear that sound? I just sprayed my whole body with Pam. You know that cooking oil, Pam.

Apparently you can't stick to anything if you got Pam on. So I'm going out tonight. I'm going to hit the town. I'm going to jump up against a moving bus. Maybe throw myself at a building. Maybe like dive on a fat guy or a fat woman or maybe a whole family of fatties. I'll slide right off. It's like a ride.

It's like a portable slip and slide. It's like a spray on tan, but you're spraying Pam on. What a treat that is. What fun is that? Somebody come and throw a pork chopper. on me it'll slide off hey buddy you want a fry an egg on my head ha that egg's sliding off i'm covered in pam player keep it slippery keep it sloppy and messy and pam yourself up who is pam anyways whoever she is she's pretty darn greasy and i'm coming to get her

i'm gonna jump on her and slide right off and smash through a department store we No, because I'm Harlem Williams on the Harlan Highway, and I'm covered with Pam, and I'm cooking with a gas. We are. Okay, speaking of the gym, how many of you actually go to the gym? And when you go to the gym, do you find yourself getting frustrated with certain aspects? way, if you can hear all that ratat-tat-tatting in the background, they're demolishing a building outside our window at the studio here at the Harland Highway. So it's not that we have a rampant case of woodpeckers,

although that would be fun, I think. It's just some kind of construction jack pounding through concrete. So bear with us here as we talk about the gym And there's things at the gym that irritate me You know, you go to the gym and you get on a machine And usually you want to do like, you know, three or four sets On a certain or given piece of apparatus, right? And that's the way most people operate.

So when you're wandering around and you see someone on an apparatus, You generally go, well, they're probably doing three or four sets. sets i'll i'll motor to something else i'll come back around to that one but you ever get the doorknobs that that don't get it and instead of going to another machine they just stand there and watch you do your your sets and they kind of silently are saying uh do you mind hurrying up dick quad um i'd like to use this machine and then some of them actually verbalize like how many more sets are you doing? How many reps have you got left?

Because I'm more important than you, and I need this machine, and you don't. And you just want to go, dude, get lost. Don't hover. I don't need some strange guy watching me curl my arms. It's creepy. Get the hell away from me. Go stretch your face on a face stretching machine. But then on the other side,

And tell me if you're guilty of this. And I have been guilty of this. And I'm not proud of it, but it's happened. And it's kind of mean, but I'm confessing to it. And I try to ask for forgiveness for this one. But sometimes I do it. I'll be motoring around the gym. And sometimes you, I hate to say it,

you see a person at the gym who, you know, you're happy they're there that they're trying to work off some of the excess. weight but sometimes you see people that honestly look like they're beyond help like they are just giant and you think okay what are the odds that this person is going to come to the gym for the next two years and lose 200 pounds maybe they will but what are the odds and of course you're rooting for them i guess but you ever have one of those those moments at the gym where you're waiting to get on a machine and you're run over and there's someone on the machine that I hate to say this

sounds so mean but I'm just being honest and I hope you'll be honest when you think about this you look at them and they're like well no way what's the point that person is not going to get thin that person is not going to get in shape which again I'm saying is very mean to say and think but in that moment when you're rushing around and you want to use that that machine that's your logic the truth of the matter is of course they could become thin of course they could become lean if they're committed and they're there all the time why not but in that selfish moment where you're in a rush and you wanted that damn machine you get it in your head you're like oh come on really get out of here you you of all people when i look around this gym you sir

or madam are not going to be thin ever so stop using up my time stop using up my machine beat it yeah i know real uh compassionate right but again i'm saying that i admit i've had those thoughts i do ask forgiveness and those thoughts just come in the haste of the moment i really don't begrudge or bear ill-will towards obese people trying to get in. In fact, I'm a huge supporter of that. I'm impressed and I admire people like that. But sometimes in that moment, that moment of trying to get through your routine,

you might have that thought. I'm not saying I have it all the time, but every now and that, how about you? How about you, people? Maybe you're more compassionate than me in that moment. But overall, I try to be a compassionate, human being. But I think we all have those little mental

slip-ups now and again, whether it's at the gym or sometimes you're in a line somewhere. You know, someone's ordering at the candy counter at the theater and you're like they're like humming and on. Well, what's that? And how much of those

and how big are the big ones? And you're standing behind them and your movie's about to start. And you're like, I know what I want. I want a medium Coke. I want a small popcorn and I want some, a chocolate bar. Why can't I just get in front of this dumbass who doesn't have a clue what they want and I could have ordered and be sitting down

and watching my movie while they're still out here? Yeah, we all have those moments of impatience. And I just want you to be honest and address them. So I don't feel like the only bastard out here that had a impatient thought because some chubby person at the gym

was on my machine. trying to justify my impatience. I'm getting impatient with you for not fessing up to your impatience. So there. Wow, what a weird way to end the show. All fired up and accusatory and trying to deflect my guilt and trying to get stuff out of you. All right.

Well, if you want to share your stories of guilt, of impatience, with everyone here on the Harland Highway. You can call and leave a message, a voicemail at 323-215-14-86. 3-2-3-2-1-1586, or write me on my website, harlanwiliams.com and send us a letter, and maybe I'll read it on the air. But be honest. Let's be honest.

And speaking of honest, my time is up. The podcast is coming to an end. The Harland Highway is closed for repairs right now, but we will be back. Next time, thanks for joining us. Be patient, be compassionate, and don't forget to do three or four sets. Until next time, it's Harlan Williams with you here on the Harland Highway. Chicken Chalmain, baby. Cat, hat.

In French, chat, chapeau. In Spanish, you're a guy. in a sombrero. In German, you're a catsa in a hut. I also know. You're a goonka in a bunk of funky in Eskimo. Why, George, I think he's got it. Now, if you will allow me, sir, but please don't think I'm pushing.

I think that I can tell you what you are in, in, in Russian. What? Shabka, shlapa. You're a shabka in a shlappa. Hey! Thank you.