The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 29 - CLASSIC GOLD!

Episode Date: September 8, 2014

Another classic flashback as we work our way back to #42. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is Sophie Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Hello, darlings. Hello, darlings. How are you, darlings? Hey, welcome to the Harland Highway. It's me. Harlan Williams here. Talking into your face. Just chatting to your face. Or I guess maybe not. I guess I'm chatting to your ears, which is on the side of your face. So Harlan Williams here chatting to the side of your head.

if I'm going to get technical. Did you know that the smallest bone in the human body is in the ear? I think what's it called? I don't even know for sure. I think it's the anvil or the coxial or I know there's the coxis, which is your tailbone, but then I think there's another one in your ear called the coxial or something. I'm not pronouncing it right.

Imagine if you were a mutant, a freak of nature, and your coxas was in your ear, and your coxilla was in your tailbone? Imagine that, you had like a piece of your spine and your inner ear and a tiny, tiny, tiny little bone right at the top of your ass crack? Good Lord! What are the ramifications of that? creepy Hello Freak show I got one for you

Yeah what is he You're never gonna believe it He's got tailbone for ears And he's got a Earbone in his ass I'll take it I don't know Weird right

Human body's weird You ever have stuff Go wrong with your body You know you're grooving a lot long in life you're healthy or happy you know you play football you wrestle with your friends you eat whatever you want maybe you smoke maybe a drink you don't really think about it and then one night you're just laying in bed and I'm not talking about like a headache or you know you twisted your anger I'm talking about you're just laying there and all of a sudden you feel

like a weird little like twang like a little kick right in like the kidney or in your liver or you don't even know what it is you just know it's deep inside you you feel a little something you've never felt before a little twang boy and you're like wait wait wait wait wait wait wait what what what was that what what what was that please deep inside me I'm not a woman I don't have a baby in there what was that

something kicked me something just stepped on my kidney and then even worse than just a little twang you ever get a lingering one I swear to God this is a true story

one night I woke up and I had this weird it wasn't a severe pain or an uncomfortable pain, but there was a little like something in my back, but it wasn't my backbone. It was like inside me. Like it felt like my liver or my kidney or whatever.

And I'm not 100% exactly sure where they are physically. You know, but when things go wrong with your body as I cough, don't you suddenly feel like you're all sudden some kind of surgery? or a medical person, you feel something and say, oh, there goes my pancreas. Yeah, that's, I must have pancleritis. That's what that little throbbing feeling is. Right? So I immediately self-diagnosed, because this thing was hanging around.

Like it was, this was a few years ago, but it was this weird little tugging, annoying thing somewhere deep inside. And suddenly the first thing that came to mind, I'm never going to Burger King again. That's it. No more Coke. No more Burger King. That's what caused this.

Those damn curly fries, I probably got a full curly fry clogging my artery to my liver. Does the liver even have an artery go into it? I don't know. I'm doing a podcast, people. I'm not a surgeon, okay? I'm not going to help you when you need surgery. I'm going to do a podcast, and if that helps you get through, great.

So don't mock me when I don't know the body parts. But anyways, this is what I did. This is the true story part. I woke up in the middle of the night. Suddenly I knew exactly what I was. Oh, there goes my kidney. So what do I do? I run into my office.

I jump online. Right? I start looking at kidney cells. symptoms yeah okay i got that little tugging feeling okay lower just behind my spine yeah a little like a light pain yeah that's got to be it that's my kidney those are the symptoms so now i'm like okay i figured it out i figured out what was wrong with me in about 12 minutes you know all these jackass medical professionals you know going to university and college for what, 12 years?

Idiots! I went on Yahoo and figured out my ailment in about 12 minutes. Right, so now I'm convinced I found the problem. I'm convinced I know what it is. So here's the real retarded part.

Then I start surfing websites looking for cures. Okay, sure enough, I find one. Do you have this symptom, this symptom, this syndrome? These kidney pills will clear your symptom up in 24 hours. Made from seaweed kelp, sea otter hair, Turkish bubble bath water, and Richard Simmons sweat.

You know, some weird concoction. I'm like, Eureka, I don't need to go to the emergency room. I'm going to self-medicate. I'm going to be ahead of the curve. I'm going to cut this thing off at the past, right? Dr. Harland Williams is in. Yeah, Dr. Williams to surgery. Dr. Williams to surgery.

Not now. I'm taking care of myself, thanks. So no kidding. I get on the phone. I pull out the credit card. Suddenly I go from sleeping to doing research on the internet to figuring out what was wrong with me. And now I'm talking to someone.

guy in India on the telephone. I'm like, dude, does this stuff really work? Oh, yes, it's delicious. It works wonderful. It's just you cannot imagine how good it is. Now, what is it you wanted it for? Yeah, right. Okay.

You believe it. And when you're sick, you just want to hear words of comfort. When you're standing at death's door with your midnight kidney bean, You'll take some positive feedback from anyone. Oh, yes, you don't need to worry. You'd take this seaweed pill. You'd be good on one day, and you can go and play the beach volleyball, and you can go to the drive-thru and go back to the Burger King and have the curly fries.

Really? Yes, you heard me right, the curly fries. Okay, I'll take a box. Excellent choice, sir. so i'm not kidding i pulled out the credit card i ordered some kidney bean seaweed pills at three in the morning even the birds are looking in the window they're going what's the matter with you dude oh it's just my kidney oh okay you talking to india yes i am smart move so these guys promised it'll be there in 24 hours right i'm like great i'll have it tomorrow I'm cured.

Okay, I'm not kidding. About seven days later, I get this box of stuff. But here's the real kicker, okay? Now, by this time, my disaster has been averted. My liver, kidney malfunction has totally gone away. It was probably just, I hate to sound crude, but maybe it was just a backed up fart bubble for all I know.

So I go out on my driveway day seven Since I talked to my pal in India Oh thank you for calling me your pal Yeah, I'm just telling the story That's okay, I don't have many friends, I'll take it Shut up Yes, pal So I go down FedEx

FedEx and all their Delicate handling of things You know, I have a gate at the end of my driveway and a giant mailbox. Do they put it in the mailbox? No, they throw it over the gate. So here's my life-saving seaweed pills sitting on the driveway.

My neighbor ran over them about eight times. I get life-saving seaweed pills seven days late from India and they're crushed into a powder. You know, a hundred bucks later, and I'm like, I'm such an idiot. Maybe I deserve some kind of ailment. Just get me off the planet.

Well, no, that's not true. I mean, come on, folks. I'm off the planet who's going to bring you the Harland Highway, huh? That's right, me, your host. 100% healthy, Harland Williams. And don't forget me, Ginger Barakandula. Quiet! Well, you said we're pals.

Shut up, you're not real. I'm Ginger Barakadula. Shut up! Oh my God. I got in a terrible crash yesterday. Yes, yours truly, Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway, had a major crash.

Hopefully no one was heard. I fell asleep. Okay, let me explain. When I say crash, I don't mean in a car. I mean I had a food crash. And I don't mean I rammed my shirt. shopping card into some people over an aisle 7 and the frozen vegetables. I mean, you ever do that thing where it's lunchtime and you munch out, you have a big

mac or a big bowl of macaroni and cheese or a sandwich, and you're okay for like the first 20 minutes and then all of a sudden, it's like someone gave you some sleeping pills, man. You just, your body starts to crash. You have a food crash. I don't know if it's all the sugar in the food or the protein or the enzymes or the I don't know what the hell's in our food all I know it's called food I eat it

but man when you crash you just oh my it's like someone shot an arrow in your back you were just walking along full of energy and then fom your chest caves in your shoulder slump you can't hold your head up your arms are dangling like caveman arms your legs won't move you feel like you got concrete boots on and your eyelids feel like they're made out of lead right you just can't keep

there's a train coming right up me oh whatever all you want to do is just drop and go into a coma I'm never going to eat again, man. Oh, my God. Oh, I'm so tired. Oh, and you're sitting at your desk trying to work, or you're trying to drive, or you're trying to do something, and your whole body's fighting you. It's crashing.

And you can't stop the crash. But finally, you give in, you succumb to it. And you crash. You go into a day. you go into a sleep suddenly you're asleep everything's dark and you're dreaming and you don't know how long you've been out for

and you wake up 10 minutes later three minutes later an hour later and the crash is over you're rejuvenated and you're ready for something to eat Hey, man, I feel fresh as a daisy. My food crashes over, and I'm hungry.

Let's go get a Big Mac. Oh, no! Harlan Williams. Yeah, that's right. It's me, Harlem Williams. And you are... Oh, yeah, your listeners. Speaking of crashing, you ever have your heart crash?

Hmm? Sure you have. How many of you listening have had your heart crash? or crushed isn't that the worst what's what's more painful being in a car crash or having your heart crushed I guess it's part of living right it's part of the human experience I mean hey before you get all sympathetic and you get all nostalgic think about it you might have caused someone else's heart to crash due to your existence on this planet.

Maybe you've crushed someone's heart up. And we all know sometimes things don't work out. But I think the worst way for it to go down is when the other person lies to you, right? Or maybe even worse, you lie to them. Sometimes lying can feel as dirty as being lied to. How many of you are liars? if you are i recommend you stop because

they always catch up to you most of them and they just you know if you've ever lied it just it kind of sits on you like a dirty jacket like imagine pulling a coat off an old homeless guy under a bridge it's all crusty and smells like urine and has bugs crawling on it holes in it that's what it feels like when you lie it feels like you lie

It feels like you just put that jacket on And you feel Why did I do that? I just lied to someone I love. I know when they lie to you, it hurts. It's like, you're like, wait a minute, baby, you love me. Why? What?

You told me we were going to Kathy's house And you ended up at an Aerosmith concert backstage And someone Has spray painting the word Tyrannosaurus across your breasts? Wait, what? What do you mean? What happened?

What happened to Kathy's house? Aerosmith was at Kathy's house. Okay, I believe you. It is strange. We've all been lied to. And, you know, every now and then on the show, I like to throw one of my little songs up here, right? Every now and then.

I sit down and I write a goofy little song. I usually improvise them. I don't know what I'm going to sing about most of the time. I don't know what the lyrics are going to be. I make the lyrics up. I kind of just wiggle my way through them. And this song actually that I'm going to play, and you can turn it off if you don't like it.

But this one I actually sat down and after I improvised the lyrics, I wrote them out and kind of fine-tune them a bit. So this song actually has some lyrics that make a bit of sense. But initially this song was just improvised. My cousin did the music, and I did the singing. And I guess this song's all about lying. And here it is, just for fun.

I don't claim to be a rock star. I don't even claim to be a musician. but sometimes I just like to get creative and lay down a tune. And I thought I'd share it with you. And this one somehow, too, suspiciously, I think you'd be the judge. I sound a little bit like Willie Nelson, man. But here's to Lying, and here's a song dedicated to lying. Check it out.

alone in my bed Thoughts of you spend And all through my head I've been playing back to things The things that you said Do you even care if I'm alive or I'm dead Now maybe words don't matter Matter to you

You never account for the things that you do So this time, baby, baby I'm through Nothing you say ever comes true Now you can lie about your family And lie about your friends You can lie about where you're going to and lie by where you've been You can lie about your memories

And lie about your sins But baby don't lie about loving me again You said it was the two of us When we snuck out of town That we'd go forever No turn in around But everywhere I look

You can't be found I hear you talk But your words have no sounds You can lie about your weight And lie about your rage You can lie about your job And lie about your weight You can lie about your looks

and lie about your man But baby, don't lie and take my heart again Thought maybe this time It was for real We'd made a pack of real We'd made a pact, yeah, we made a seal But baby, what did you? Did you ever feel?

Just like the last time you broke the deal. Oh, you can lie about the tales you tell And lie how much you drink You can lie about your intelligence And how much you think You can lie about how great you are Right up to the end But baby, don't lie

Break my heart again Baby, don't lie about loving me again Oh, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-who-who-oh. Did you sense a little pain in that one, people? Did that strike a chord with any of you? Huh? You've been in the old relationship with someone and nothing they say. It's really all that real, is it?

Do yourself a favor. Get the hell out. Why people do it? I don't know. It's like breathing and eating. It's part of being human. Everybody lies. It's just the degree to which you lie.

Don't be one of them. Don't put on that old dirty homeless guys coat. Feel good about yourself. Make the people you love feel good as well. Wow. Okay, enough. Enough. It's getting... I'm almost to tears here. I need some Kleenex. I'm tuning into Christopher Walken here.

A bad Christopher Walken. Let's get back to some comedy immediately, right here, on the forlorn Harlan Highway. Hello! Hey, Harlan. I just was wondering how Cinnamon Boy handles himself in the bedroom. Is there a cinnamon grill somewhere out there for him? Because I could just imagine it now. Oh, Cinnamon Boy! Oh, yes! We've got to have cinnamon on me, baby! Get out of! Want to hear it, babe. Bye. Oh, God. I did not want to ever have to deal with Cinnamon Boys' love life, but because one of you

called in and had an inquiry, the management said it's legitimate question, the listener's always right, we have to address the listener's concerns if Cinnamon Boy gets it on. Unbelievable. So against my better judgment, I brought this kid in to get the answer. Let's just do it and get them out of here. How are you doing, kid? I'm good. Yeah, why's that? Because I like cinnamon. I'm cinnamon boy.

Okay, enough. Look, do you have a... girlfriend? Maybe. Surely. I'll never tell. Oh, good. Okay, then you can leave. Wait a minute. Yes, I do have a girlfriend. Cinnamon girl, and she loves cinnamon. Oh, God. You mean to tell me, you actually found a girl that digs your vibe? Yeah, ever since I've been on your show, I get late all the time. Everybody's heard about my cinnamon stick, because I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon, and girls love my cinnamon stick. Take it easy, kid. You take it easy. No, you take it easy. You're disgusting me.

Why? Because I have a bigger cinnamon stick than you? Oh, no, you don't. You're not dragging me into this competition. I think I do. Oh, no, you don't, kid. Well, how big is yours? All right, I'm not getting into this. You've got a tiny. You've got a tiny.

Oh, God, get out of here, kid. I would, but I'm afraid of slamming my... giant cinnamon stick in the door, because I'm cinnamon boy. Get out of here. Unreal. Please, no more calls about that. Oh, oh, here I, here I, here I, get out of here.

Highland Williams. Good Lord. How did we go from a quiet, introspective kind of love song, a la Willie Nelson style, to segueing into six. Cinnamon Boys love life. Creepy. Real creepy.

I think guys like Willie Nelson should have their own clothing line, don't you? Right? Because, you know, there's a lot of guys in America farmers and guys in the Midwest and just, you know, more like simple, rural country folk who would never have like Dolce and Gabana or, you know, Calvin Klein or I don't even know the names of all these designers Right

The Gap Is that a designer? Is there some guy running around Paris Whose name is Gap? Hello, my name is Jean-Flaan Se Gap I'm silly of hood of my clothes The Gap It looks like you're wearing some in your Gap right now

What, huh? But you know All these designer clothes that the Hollywood types wear when they go to the Oscar parties and the Emmy parties and the who knows

what else award shows I think guys like Willie Nelson should have you know what is their Prada some of them are coming back to me now Prada and that's it not just one came back to me Prada

but I think you know Willie Nelson should have a lot So, you know, when guys like me, just regular old guys are walking the red carpet, or at a function rubbing shoulders with the president, someone shoves a microphone. What's that outfit you're wearing, Mr. Williams? And I'm like, oh, this is Willie Nelson. Excuse me?

Willie Nelson. Oh, I've never heard of. Is he from Paris? No, he's from right here. He does farm aid every year. Are you saying Willie Nelson? Nelson, Mr. Williams? It's pronounced Willie Nelson.

Okay, we've got to go. Thanks for your time, Mr. Williams. See it, the barn dance. Come on, huh? Wouldn't you like to be wearing a nice pair of Willie Nelson jeans? Right? Some Mr. Roger's sweaters?

Right? Hey, that's a beautiful blue sweater, man. What is that? Oh, this old thing, it's a Mr. Rogers. Are you saying Mr. Rogers, dude? No, it's pronounced Mr. Rogers. You're gay, dude. Well, yeah, wearing this sweater.

Maybe I am. Um, I don't know. I'm just trying to, I'm trying to even things out. You know, there's like a small sect of society that wears the Dolce and Gabonnas and the Pradas and the Pee-Wee-Hermans. I don't know what the designers are. I actually, I remember I knew a girl who was a model. And I guess it's called Dolce and Gabana. I'm not even pronouncing it right.

But there's a burger chain in California called In-N-Out Burger. It's like an and-out burger. It's not in-and-out burger. It's in-and-out burger, right? So I one day made the faux-pa of, you know, somehow I got dragged into a conversation about fashion with her and her whole life-centered around fashion. She strutted the catwalk down in Milan. And one day, I said, oh, what is that outfit? Is that a Dolce and Gabana?

Right? Like in an Outburger? Like I put an in there instead of an and. Man, did the model crap hit the fan that day? That was akin to like saying something sacrilegious about our Lord's Savior. I'm like, holy God. easy simba easy i don't know look i i dig someone who's finally dressed i gotta say you know a woman who's dressed to the nines and looks killer great a guy who looks great in a tuxedo or james bond

or you know david beckham someone who wears clothes well george cluny wears clothes well i think it's great but i don't know man when you look around to me it's all just fabric okay it's 99% just fabric okay you got your silks that were spun by chinese silkworms and things like that but at the end of the day it's just fabric man 7,000 20,000 30,000 for an outfit I'm gonna wear my 30,000 d'alche and gabana to the in-and-out drive-thru to get a burger? I don't think so. I'll just be driving down the Harlan Highway here

in my Willie Nelsons, chewing on a piece of straw, and waving to y'all out the window. Thanks for joining us, folks. It's been a super fun show. And remember, don't lie to anybody. And I'm going to see you back here next time, and I'm not lying.

Thanks for riding along. This is Harlan Williams. I'm checking out here on the Harlan Highway. Chicken Chalman, baby.