The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 30 - CLASSIC GOLD!

Episode Date: September 29, 2014

More classic gold as we countdown to the original 42. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. To the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is Jackie Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Why, George, I think he's got it. By George, I think you're right, old bean. And by the way, who the hell is George? And when did he become by? It's a weird one. By George, I think he's got it. Got what?

SARS? They should update that saying, By George, I think he's got SARS. Well, then he won't be around very long, will he? No, he won't. Well, what's your name? Charlie? Well, then we'll have.

to change it to by Charlie I think you've got it but I don't have anything oh you will my friend you will you dirty monkey um welcome you dirty monkeys to the Harland Highway

great to have you on board cruising along at the finest podcast in the world if I do say so myself am I allowed to do that am I allowed to say how fine my own podcast is when I have no idea. I don't know if it's good or not. It's up to you people. I don't put judgments

on my own stuff. I just do what inspires me. I talk about what comes from within. I, I dwell on what stimulates me, and I have fun doing it, and I hope you have a fun listening to it. And today, man, I want to talk about something that just drives me nuts, all right? And Some of you guys listening are probably going to be offended, but I hope so. Okay, because I want it to stop. Okay, dudes wearing, like, headbands. And I'm not talking like Axel Rose, like cool bandanas. I'm talking guys that, you know, work out at the gym and look buff and have muscles or go jogging.

And they put like a girly style headband or a burretton their friggin' hair. Okay, and a lot of the workout guys do it And I'm sorry, man Are you trying to tell us like You're buff and your macho and you're tough But just so we don't think you're too tough You're going to put like a little beret in your hair And go tend to your flock of sheep, huh?

Come on, guys You know, I don't expect you to like go to the gym And throw a mini skirt on Okay I don't expect to see it jogging through my neighborhood in pumps. So can we lose the barret and the little bandana in the hair? Axel Rose is the only guy that was ever cool enough to wear something like that. Whatever it's called a barrette, there's a bandana.

Anything in your hair, dudes. Just get it out. Yeah, you're probably sitting there going, what the hell's this guy doing? He's like a nerd. what's he know, man. I'm just telling you, man, okay? You look like a jacket. You know who wore a bandana?

Aunt Jemima. Remember Aunt Jemima in the early years? That lovable pudgy African-American woman who graced the bottles of syrup and the pancake batter mix. Big pudgy cheeks and a nice warm, friendly smile and really cheery little eyes and on her head she had like a polka dot bandana.

And she'd whip you up some waffles and some pancakes and what a treat. So anytime I see any you macho dudes or fat dudes or whoever you are wearing a bandana or a barret, all I want you to do is go make me a pancake. All right? I don't think you're cool. I don't think it looks good. I just want you to shut your face and whip me up a fly. I'm going to get a t-shirt made man

it's going to say if you're wearing a bandit if you're wearing a bandana then shut your face and whip me up a flapjack that's that's my t-shirt I want you people to go out some of you will do it too I love it I want you to do it and send me pictures I want you to go and get a t-shirt made that does what's it say I don't even remember now Why am I laughing?

If you're wearing a bandana, shut your face and go whip me up a pancake. I know it's freedom of expression. It's your personal choice. But you know what? You know, some guy probably somewhere like had a bad day at the gym or he was training to be a boxer. Something went wrong and his hair was getting in his face and the sweat was stinging him. And all of a sudden he went, God, I got a focus, I need this hair out of my event. Maybe he was flying a crippled airplane and had to land it, but somehow I was here.

And you know, he just, like, grabbed for a barrette. He said, I don't care how I look. I got a focus. I'm going to save some lives. Just throw this barret in for five minutes. This headband. And sure enough, some dumb ass is solid. That looks pretty cool, man.

That's different. Okay, that's, that's macho, man. And none of you guys are doing it Because you had the brainstormed to do it You're doing it because you've seen other guys do it But you don't see a lot of guys do it So take the hint Lose the headband you

Antemima wannabes And shut your face There And now I'm gonna rip on you ladies Okay here's my new thing with the ladies It starts with the ladies It starts with the lay folk and then it gets up into the celebrities okay what the hell kind of oil or vinegar

or salad dressing or margarine or cream are you girls starting to put on your legs from the knees south i have never seen legs so oily and shiny i swear to god it's like newman's own body oil or something it is it is it's is gross you know you're trying to accentuate your smooth hairless like finally shaped calves okay we get it it's good enough put fishnet stockings on just keep them open flesh you're trying to draw attention with this glistening baby oil or whatever it is man it just looks it looks creepy to me and then you see these girls on the talk shows like on conan o'brien or Letterman or Leno, whoever, these celebrities,

Gwyneth Paltrow and Carmen Electra and all these freaks come walking out and they sit down and they're lower legs, whatever the hell that bone is on the calf, the tibia or the femur or whatever, the brontosaurus bone. This thing's just glistening. Like if I was a hyena, I'd just mull you. The bones just crying out to be dragged away by a pack of hyenas. It's just distracting.

It's like a lighthouse at the edge of the world. These glistening lower legs, they look like lightsabers. Use the near, Luke. Use the lady shick, Luke. I just want to cut their legs off and have a saber fight, a lightsaber fight, right? Hmm, shiny hairless leg it is. You must come to the forces of the shiny oil of leg side. God, it's not sexy.

It's like you're trying too hard, ladies. It's like, look at me, I've got my lower legs is shiny, and everyone, look. All right, well, why don't we go up from the kneecap up and see your giant buffalo ass, huh? What's next? You're going to wear, like, assless chaps and oil up your thunder buns?

Mm, giant snow cones they are. I feel like I want to vomit, I do. It's disgusting. all right so i've ripped on men i've ripped on women and why because i'm perfect i'm allowed i have no flaws so i can pick on you people no look we all have flaws but i don't know these these few things are bugging me and maybe i'll go one more before i end this little segment okay the dudes with the bohemian Rhapsody, Amazon jungle, chugging up the Nile, banana tree, bamboo, ear rings in their earlobes. Have you seen these guys?

These guys have no image, you know, these boring dudes are like, oh man, I'm a nobody. I got nothing. I got no personality. What can I do to draw attention to myself? Oh, yeah, yeah, there's a picture in National Geographic, some South American tribal. king with a giant hoop in his ear that has tons of symbolic, religious, and spiritual significance, and I'll just put it in to, you know, try and pick up chicks over at O'Hulahan's pub, right?

So these guys, like, put these things in and stretch their earlobes. They got giant rings in their earlobes, right? And I'm not buying it, man. This is what I did. The other day I saw a guy with one of those. hoops in his ears. I threw a football right through one. Swear to God, I won a free stuffed panda gave it to my wife. And I don't even have a wife. So, yeah, I'm picking on you humans today. You better watch it. Daddy's testy. Daddy's testy today. Oh, and speaking of testy, why do guys

have to have testicle? Okay, I've gone too far. Anyways, um, let's all simmer down. Let's all go oil our legs and put a bandana on and put some hoops in our ears. We'll just take a deep breath and hopefully explode. We'll be right back here on the Harland Highway. Now, if you're in a receptive state, I'll recapitulate. All right, I'm out the other night, just carusing around, perusing around. And when's the cosmetic surgery going to stop, ladies? I saw a girl with the college and lips, the big giant puffed-up lips, and I picked her up.

I picked her up, guys, and it wasn't sexual. It wasn't something that I just wanted to have a fling. What I wanted was those lips, and I brought her home to my bachelor pad, and I didn't make out with her. I did what I think was the right thing I made her clean my fish tank Yeah You know that green crap that grows on the tank If you don't wash the glass for four years

Yeah that stuff's hard to get off You got two options You got snails Or now the new option Girls with collagen lips Come on Griselda get that algae off of there Come on Suck that glass, lady.

Get those lips of flapping. She did a pretty good job, too. Although three of my prize fish are missing. I think she might have sucked them in by mistake. But boy, oh boy, that fish tank is sparkling. Oh, I'm using it as a mirror right now. When I'm not in my car, looking in my rearview mirror at my beautiful eyes,

I'm staring into my fish tank baby Hey Griselda if you're listening Thanks for the suck job on my fish tank You naughty naughty girl Keep it naughty here on the Harland Highway Yes yes yes naughty indeed Nauty I love the way the British say it

Nauty Nauty Ooh naughty Oh, that's just naughty. Nauty. Makes you want to be naughty, huh? Get around British people and just get naughty. Hello, how are you today, chap?

Oh, I'm naughty, all right. Nauty, that's what I meant. Naughty. Speaking of naughty, how many of you people out there? there and probably I'm leaning more towards the dudes, but I won't single the ladies out. How many of you have a naughty, a naughty automobile, aye? Who's got a naughty automobile, aye? Who's got a naughty car?

I'm talking about the little sports cars, the Porsches, and the little, you know, spiders, the Alfa Romero's, the sobs, the little Mercedes, uh, SLK class. You know, you know what I'm talking about. The guys and the gals that rip around in the small little sports cars. Nothing like it, man. I mean, I've had sports cars in my time. I got one now, actually, and just good feeling. Most of them have a lot of power, and I'm not talking about myattas, okay?

Myattas are like, you know, in their own class. Okay, I don't know what they are. But there's nothing like getting behind the wheel of a sports car with a big engine, turbo thrust, eight-cylinder, thing goes from zero to 90 before you can even say zero. It's great, man. The way they handle, the way they fly down the road. But here's the rub, okay? and if you're guilty of this,

just trade your damn sports car in for a minivan, okay, losers? And this happened to me on the highway the other day, and that's why I'm talking about, right? I'm whaling down the highway. I'm in my big old Dodge pickup truck, right? And my Dodge, my pickup truck can move. I mean, it's got the hemie inside, right? So it's got some juice.

It's got some monkey grease under the hood. Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha. so I'm whaling down the road you know what is it four or five lanes everything's pretty open it's not rush hours so there's room to put the pedal to the metal and some like middle-aged douche in a silver like Porsche you know the ones that they're kind of they look all munched together I think they're called Carreras or something I apologize to you car Chinatos for not knowing the name, but I've actually never liked the look of those little Porsches. That's why I don't give a jackass in hell about the name. But you know the ones I mean. Those little Porsches, it looks like they got no back end on them. A lot of people around here in Hollywood like to drive. A lot of directors and producers seem to gravitate towards those machines. I don't know why. But anyways, so I'm whaling down the 101.

one Ventura Highway in the summer sun yeah it's nothing like rolling down the high the Ventura Highway and the sun's just starting to go down and the California sky is golden all right when when you hit that magic sunset you get like a half hour window where the the sky just goes kind of golden it's my favorite time of day everything's just warm and soft and just I don't know. But you're whaling down the Ventura Highway, and that song actually comes on. Ventura Highway, in the summer sun,

and the free will blowing. I don't know the words, but you know the song. I think America sings it, that band America. It's a good feeling when you're actually in that moment. But let me get back to him, wailing down Ventura Highway. Okay, stop it. Sorry. I'm whaling down Ventura Highway

and some middle-aged knob gobbler It is a silver Porsche Carrera That's what it's even called Like cuts in front of me And I'm like, okay, cool You know, I don't mind a cut in Because you got like You got a hot rod and you cut in

Because you're going to just blow on down the road And I don't have to worry about you being like a Sunday driver Right No, this guy gets in front of me, he weaves in front of me, and never speeds up. He's just grinding along like an old fatty in a vegetable truck, right? Like he might as well have just been riding along in a vegetable truck with squash and melons and, you know, he might have all been an Amish guy. You know, every now and then you pass an Amish family just meandering down the road with their horse and buggy,

very peaceful, full of, you know, serenity, and it's actually nice to see. It's like a simpler, quieter time, but don't be pulling, don't be pulling that stuff if you go out and buy like a $100,000 juiced up sports car, man. So there's this loser, like, in front of me, slowing everybody down in his, like, Porsche. And I'm like, hello, James Bond, her majesty's secret service is calling. Put your foot on the gas, their pennylofer. Like almost borderline disgusting, right?

It's like, what does this guy think he's doing? What right does this dillweed have owning a car like this? No, no, no, no, no. You want a fast little sports car, you drive fast. You want to plot along like an injured hippo wallowing out of a swamp. You buy a Dodge Neon or a Ford Escort. Or, man, just go get a ball and roll down the street like a sea lion at SeaWorld. Yeah.

So that's my pep peeve with you guys and girls. You're going to buy a fast car, drive fast. End of conversation. Okay. And what we're talking about the road, have you ever been kind of confused while you're driving? And I don't mean just because you're a confused individual. I'm talking about you ever get on a stretch of highway

where for some reason the geniuses in charge of highway stuff decided, you know what? I don't like the yellow lines on the highway anymore. You know what? I don't like the little dotted yellow lines. I don't like the solid yellow lines. Let's scrape them up.

Let's scrape them up and why don't we move them over. I think they'd look much better maybe about two feet over the other way, maybe a foot and a half. So let's scrape them all off. Let's spend millions of the taxpayers' dollars. We'll scrape off the old yellow. of lines because I don't really like them and we'll put down new ones a few feet over

okay first of all I don't get the logic stupid but second of all who do they hire to scrape off these other lines what are they getting a tattoo removal service because that's what it looks like you ever see the road it's all scraped up but they did such a poor job

that they've left a hint of the dotted line or the solid line right and so now you're driving and maybe you're getting into the twilight hours or it's sunset or it's early morning and you got like sun reflecting on the road like the lighting is an entirely ideal for driving and somehow you're having trouble seeing the new lines but you're picking up the old lines where they scraped and you're kind of running the gauntlet here you're kind of on the highway and you're like wait a minute where's the line is it that one what is it is it the old one wait

I'm drifting over in the wrong lane. Wait, which line is it? Oh, my God. Whose line is it anyways? Drew Carey, whose line isn't anyways? And you're just getting all mixed up? It seriously looks like one of those bad tattoo removal jobs. You know, you meet some chick.

You're like, yeah, I had a tattoo of my husband before he murdered me. And I had his name scraped off. Can you even tell? No, I can't tell. I just thought maybe you clamped a car. curling iron across your wrist there and drop the iron on your left ass cheek and you know sizzled your meat off yeah i can tell most tattoo removals are just awful well anyways that's what these roads look like so be aware maybe that's why these guys in the

Porsche's slow down i'm so old i'm middle-aged i'm having a midlife crisis my eyesight isn't very good. I can't differentiate between the old lines and the new lines. What am I going to do? I better slow down. I want my neon. I want my Dodge neon. And the ability to get an erection again.

Easy, Williams. You're going to be there one day. You're only a few years away. God. I got to take a break. I've got to go put some ice in my pants or something. here on the Harland Highway. This is Eddie.

He wants to party, but they just hang up. Hi, this is the man, the party animal of the legend. Leave a message. Hey, man, it's Eddie. I want a party, man. Hello? Is there someone there, man? I want to party with the legend, man.

I got some Budweiser, some Hineken throwing the barbecue. I got ribs. Hello? Hello? What the hell? What the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party.

But they just hang up. Oh, Eddie. Poor Eddie just can't seem to get a break. A good old fashion summer barbecue or something of the sorts. Do you remember summer? Do you remember barbecuing? Do you remember camping, sitting around the old campfire and singing campfire songs and telling stories?

And, well, why don't we wrap up the show with, well, I guess this guy, I'll just throw to it, man. This is my experience with Timmy, who likes to come in and sing campers. song sometimes and well have a listen thanks for coming by the Harland Highway we'll hear you next time till then

happy singing around the campfire with Timmy Ciao Bella Hey everybody Harlan Williams with you on the Harland Highway Hope you're having a groove E day

Oh God We had to go through this last week my one of my producers as a kid who likes to go camping and is excited that summer is here. And last week, I had to have them on the show because it's the producer's kid. Little Timmy King came in and taught us how to sing campfire songs. It was pathetic. Hey!

Hi, Timmy. I'm going to teach you out to sing campfire songs. Is there a problem? Don't get snippety with me. Well, it's an American institution, people. Sit around at campfire and they sing songs. It's a bonding thing for families and friends. All right, cut the lecture, kid.

Well, you don't seem to know, ass. Hey, watch your tone. Just sing your songs. What do you got? Kumbaya, my lord. Kumbaya! Kumbaya, my lord. Kumbaya.

Boy, that was great. Thanks. Now, get out. I'm not done yet. How many campfire? songs are you going to sing i got a few more like a virgin touched for the very first time oh no you're not doing madonna again like a virgin this is not a campfire song kid come on and touch me kid i'm just trying to sing a campfire song like a virgin is not a campfire song up yours get out of here

I got one more. Hurry up. Hey, Ricky, you're so fine. You're so fine. You blow my mind. Hey, Ricky. All right, enough. Hey, Ricky, you're so fucking.

Get out of here. Hope you fall in the campfire, you little brat. I'll tell my father. Good, go tell him. I will, ass. Go put some liquid barbecue starter on yourself and go smoke a cigarette. How dare you, you ask? Get out of here.

Harlem Williams here. Happy camping on the Harland Highway. Come on and touch me out. Harland Williams. Now to be certain that I have this straight, I'll re-capitulate.