The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 31 - CLASSIC GOLD!

Episode Date: October 2, 2014

More classic gold as we countdown to the original 42. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is Jackie Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Oh, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello, cute, cute. Oh, I know I did that on another show. It just gets me. I did it on stage the other night, man. I've got the cute fever. I went on stage at a comedy club in Hollywood

at the laugh factory down on the old sunset strip, Saturday night. packed house. I walked on stage. People are cheering and yelling, and to break up the applause, I just started going, cute, cute. People started laughing. It's just so ridiculous. It's so cute. Anyways, welcome to the podcast. Pod. It's just nice to say. Podcast. Podcast, pod. It's just P-O-D kind of pops out of the mouth. Pod. What are you doing, man?

Podcasting. Oh, podcasting. Is that like fishing? No, it's like podcasting. What do you say we just shut my greasy mouth and jump right into a bit, right out of the gate? You ready? They're at the gate. They're ready to go.

Here comes the bit. The bits at the gate. The gate. There's the bell. There goes the bit. There goes the bit. There goes the bit. It's the bit.

There goes the bit. Well, it is that time of year, people. And I'm not talking about Christmas. It's that time of year when all the high schools and the campuses all over the country throw the old spelling bee around. You've seen these kids on the shows. They're up there with their glasses and their little shorts and their little skirts. and they're spelling complicated, complex words.

Stuff, you and I not only do not know how to spell it, we don't even know what it means. In fact, we've never even heard of it. And sometimes I question if they're even real words. But that being said, we decided to bring one of these Spellingwiz kids in here. Our producers set it up. So let's send them in. Who do we got here?

Send the Spelling Bee Kid in. Hi, I'm Cinnamon Boy, and I love cinnamon. Oh, come on, man. What are you doing here? I came to spell. Oh, no, you don't. Who got this idiot? I'm Cinnamon Boy, not an idiot.

Idiots don't love cinnamon, and I love cinnamon. Look, kid, we wanted a real kid that came into spell. I can spell anything you ask. Oh, really? Yeah, why don't you try me, jackass? Hey, watch your mouth, kid. Ah, you're a jackass. Look, kid, why don't you just give me a word to spell?

Okay, okay, fine. Um, how about, uh, superconductivity? That's an easy one. Okay, let's hear you spell it. Okay, fine. C-I-N-N-A-M-O-N. I didn't say that, kid. Yes, you did.

Cinnamon, because I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Knock it off, kid. Now, you're going to do this for real or not? I sure am. Yes, indeed. All right. Let's try another word. Insufficient.

Try that one, kid. Insufficient. That's easy. Yeah, well, let's see you do it. Fine. Insufficient Can you give it to me in a sentence? Yeah, I'll give it to you in a sentence

Your vocabulary is insufficient I don't understand Shut up and spell Insufficient C-I-N-A-M-O-N Cinnamon I'm cinnamon boy And I love cinnamon Knock it off, kid

Just cut it out I do love cinnamon Shut up neither you do it or you don't do it i'm giving you one last chance okay settle down red face knock it off well your face is red shut up if got any red or it would look like cinnamon shut up kid it's your last chance here's your word circumnavigate circumnavigate circumnavigate and don't spell cinnamon okay circumnavigate

n-o-m-m-a-n-n-n-n i see circumnavigate what the hell was that what and what oh m-a yeah it's cinnamon spell backwards because I'm cinnamon boy and I love cinnamon any which way but loose get them out of here out O-U-T-out, dumbass. Unbelievable. Give me a real kid. Cinnamon boy. C-I-N-N-I-M-O-K-M-A-M-A-A-M-A-R!

Wow, are you kidding me? Cinnamon-Boy? Holy God. Can that get any more annoying? Huh? What grade are you in to be listening to this podcast? Cinnamon Boy. I'm Cinnamon Boy! Shut up! Holy jumping! Jumping! Jumping Jiminy! I'd like to drown that kid.

Speaking of drowning, um, are any of you bad swimmers, good swimmers? Do you swim at all? In the warm weather, indoors in the cold weather? Do you like it? I have a question, and this is like kind of a scientific mystery to me, but it's also like a disturbing social question. All right, so you ever go swimming in your friend's pool or even in the lake or the river or the ocean, but mostly in your friend's pool, and someone pulls out the old goggles and flippers, right? You're like, doop-de-do, this is fun, la-la, la, nice clean fun. um hold on poncho nice clean fun yeah until somebody yells hey man my goggles keep fogging up man

how do you stop the goggles from fogging up and somebody yells oh yeah you just uh hawk up a lugie and hork into them oh okay yeah just switch it around oh yeah this should work and somehow it does work your goggles don't fog up because you friggin horked in them you spewed your SARS virus all over them and now you're looking through your polluted enzymes through your eyes. Now you can see underwater sea creatures and floating hair and skin flakes and dead hornets and spiders in that swimming pool. You get to see fat people's cellulite wiggling around in slow motion

on their pale white pasty legs. Worse than all that, you just horked all over your eyepiece. Your eyewear is covered with your greasy spew. Okay, weird enough, right? Like, you don't get that anywhere else in life, do you? Hey, uh, doctor, I've got these zits on my face. I wonder, is there any way you could help me clear them up?

Sure, stand still. Oh, is that how it works? Well, let's hope so, because I just spit all over your bumpy, greasy face. Oh, actually, it feels kind of starting to feel smoother. That's right. Yeah, pretty bizarre, man. Okay, so that's the gross part, but then the scientific part is how the hell does it work?

It actually works. Is there some genius out there listening to the Harland Highway podcast who can explain to me how spitting in your goggles prevents them from fogging up. Now, my educated guess is it creates some kind of film. You know, some kind of little layer of film, like kind of the way fish have like an invisible film on their skin that protects them from bacteria and changes in water temperature and stuff. But I don't know.

I'm just guessing. But is there some genius out there, some hork mice? that can call my uh my my my email my uh not my email my voicemail damn it yeah call my email see if i answer i can't figure it out i've been calling his email for 14 years and he never picks up have you tried his voicemail now there's an idea call my voicemail at 323 2151486 323 213 215 1486, if you can tell me how it works. And I don't want someone jumping online. Okay, don't jump online.

Don't Google it. Don't Yahoo it. I don't want someone reading a little blurb they got off Wikipedia. Uh-uh. No way. And don't pretend you know it and you're reading it and you're kind of like paraphrasing and, you know, stealing, you're embellishing,

lines from the dictionaries. No, I want a real person who works in the field of spitting. And I'm not, this doesn't include porn stars, people in the sciences who know about the properties of saliva, human saliva, that it keeps glass clean underwater. There. Fascinating. Okay, so call me and let me know a real answer. 323-215-1486, and I want to hear your credentials, too. Because if some truck driver from Arizona calls in on his CB radio, and he's like, yeah, break or nine, or if you break down the enzymes in the human saliva, apparently they cause a filament, they're clear, and you got the X-Factor 5, 5-5-5-75-29.

Oh, how, how? Yeah, nice try there, Bubba. I want to hear credentials, though I know that whoever, Giving me this info is the real deal, okay? That's your homework, Brainiacs. Now, go get a Kleenex, blow your nose. We'll be right back here on the Harland Highway. Oh, right the eye, man.

United States of America, the only place in the world where you can go to Walmart, slip on some puke, and sue probably make a bundle. Yeah, that's the story in the world. the news, some chick was over at Walmart. Somebody threw up somewhere, surprise, surprise. Someone stepped in the vomit and threw up. Gee, we're so sorry that somebody had a natural human function occur. Someone obviously got sick, couldn't hold it in, threw up in the aisle. Maybe there's no puke alert built into the floors so maybe the staff the conscientious staff at walmart

wasn't aware that somebody puke just yet so in that gap between where the puke hit the floor and someone was notified to go and clean it up some dumbass who obviously has no sense of smell or didn't see the big giant green orange purple and blue blob in the aisle right in front of her strolls right through it wipes out but it's not her fault she didn't see and smell the puke oh no walmart's the one they're the culprits

how dare they not be aware of the puke how dare they not how dare they not be laying on the ground having a guy with a puke catcher so it couldn't even hit the floor I'm gonna sue their asses they are liable somebody had an accident i walked through it i fell down you're gonna pay walmart

yeah welcome to america man you can't do anything without someone trying to squeeze you right they should change the name of this country to orange because someone's always trying to squeeze you right come on people think about it how would you feel if you were throwing a barbecue and a bunch of people came over to your house and maybe someone spilled a little water or some milk or some ketchup and one of your friends or someone who was an acquaintance or just an inviting guest slipped and fell on your kitchen floor you'd go oh my god what a horrible accident are you okay okay here have a hot dog

but then what if that friend turned around and said I'm gonna sue your ass what's that honey mustard barbecue sauce doing on the floor you could have killed me this is a french's mustard lawsuit sucker yeah yeah it's easy to sue until you're the one getting sued right why don't you think about that people about this go out and get a real job like the rest of the world quit looking for someone to blame and hit for the easy buck where's your pride it's probably over there in aisle 7 the puke

because all you lawsuit happy freaks are making me sick here on the harland on the harland highway oh yeah there is nothing worse than getting sick not right don't you just hate it especially those ones that just surprise you.

Like, you know, the ones where you've been out, you had dinner with some friends, you're at a pretty nice restaurant, you had a couple of glasses of wine, there was humor, and you were engaged in a good conversation, and you just go home feeling good with a nice meal in your stomach.

I won't get into what it was, but you'll know soon enough. And you go to bed, feeling good about life, You fall off to sleep into La La Land. Maybe it's around midnight, 12.30 and at about 4 in the morning, around 3.45. Suddenly your eyes kind of flutter open and you look around the room and you go, hmm, it's still dark. Why am I waking up?

And then all of a sudden your stomach growls and you're like, you feel a cramp and you're like, ugh. And all of a sudden, your forehead just starts sweating and your head's spinning and you're like, what the hell, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, is going on. You make your way to the bathroom. And on the way from your bed to the bathroom, it's almost like death reached out of your closet and stuck his hand inside your rib cage and started tossing your innards around. And you're literally so sick. By the time you take about eight steps, and this has happened to me.

You get ready for a nice visual, people, but I'm sure it's happened to you. So you get to the bathroom, and if you're like me, you probably have a cold tile floor, some kind of ceramic floor, and your body is burning up. You're sweating like you just did, you know, an hour and a half on a treadmill. And all you did was take eight steps. But back of your mind, you're like, this is a pretty awesome workout man I mean this is like

you know but you get to the bathroom and you just you need cold and there's that cold tile floor and you just rip your clothes off and you almost dive into it

like you're diving into a pool you just can't get your naked chest and legs and groin and the side of your face on that cold bathroom floor fast enough oh it feels so good now normally we don't like to sit on cold you ever sit on a leather chair that's cold even in the summer you're kind of like oh it's kind of like walking into a cold pool or a lake you just kind of it's very uh you know you're very timid and tepid and

ugh you just don't want to do it but man when you're burning up with the fever when you got that fever. You just burning up with that fever. Sweep it pouring down your eyes and your heart beating and your head

is spinning around and around and God mercy's sake's alive, you got the fever. And you just dive onto that cold bathroom floor and then you just lay there and the cold is like it's like eating a delicious

candy it just cascades all over your body and attacks all your your your pores and your sensory organs and whatever they have whiskers if you got them i don't know what you got but that cold your body just sucks it in like a cold lemonade on a hot day man and just for a minute you feel alive you feel soothed and just in that minute before you race for the porcelain throne and throw your guts up and then you throw your guts up and you dive right back onto that cold thing and you don't want to move you're like you're like a car that's been hit you're like a pedestrian that's been hit by a car nobody's helping you you just just got knocked to the ground you're laying on your belly your limbs all twisted you can't even move

you just like you don't want to get up isn't it beautiful who knew a dirty smelly old cold bathroom floor could be salvation hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah ha ha ha ha ha ha halloo Oh, that's one of my old socks in my face. Oh, hallelujah. But I hope you're well. I hope you're not feeling sickly. I hope you're being healthy and taking care of yourself and eating spinach. Oh, it's me spinach.

Okay, cuck, c. And what else? Lots of proteins and vitamin Cs. I'll tell you what I got. going for me man i tell you what i got going for me which is really sweet okay i have a great big orange tree growing just outside my kitchen okay that's one of the pluses of living in sunny old california man i have a big juicy orange tree and this thing seems to be barren fruit all year i can't think of a time of year where it doesn't have delicious oranges hanging off

of it right and they are good man and I know there's no chemicals I know there's it's all organic because it's in my backyard I don't even use fertilizer on my grass it's just sprinkler water and the elements and every day I either pick an orange or if all the ones down below are gone I climb up on my roof with the ladder and I go on my roof and go on you picking and I don't even eat the oranges this is what I do I bring them in the house I cut them into quarters right so I have the four quarters and I just stick a quarter in my mouth you know how so when you smile it looks like you got orange teeth the orange skin is in your mouth kids used to do that they they put the orange quarter in their mouth and then cover it with their lips and then smile and their parents think

they had like jaundice or uh or um hepatitis nine or something jaundice isn't that what the hell is john i don't even know why i said jaundice i'm not even a hundred percent sure what it is isn't that something in the eye i got an orange in my eye i don't know it's something i'm drawing a blank on the jaundice isn't he a director in hollywood jaundice landin or somebody but anyways back to my point i just suck the juice out of these orange wedges i don't even eat the pulp i'm not a big pulp guy so i just bite down and squeeze the juice and yeah i even have a juicer in the house i don't use it there's something weird there's a difference between just biting the juice out of an orange and grinding it out with a juicer i have to say just biting

it right out of the raw orange actually tastes better i don't know when you when you just collect all the juice from a juicer, it's harder to drink a big straight glass of nine different oranges. But when you just eat one orange, you bite into those quarters. It's delicious, man. You can feel that vitamin C coursing through your body, attacking all the bad things. Oh. And then I don't know if this is going to make you mad or happy. But then beside my orange tree, God love me.

I planted a pomegranate tree. How many of you can say you have a pomegranate tree? Hello! Hello, I have a pomegranate tree! Yeah, that's my bragging right in life. I could have a, you know, I could have a Ferrari or a supermodel wife or a mention on the hill. Never mention it. But hello, I have a pomegranate tree peasant.

Hello! I don't know why. That's my big thing, but it's really not. I just planted a pomegranate tree, and it is great, man. Those pomegranate comes out. Just chow down on those little kernels, whatever they are. I don't even know what a pomegranate is or where it came from. They're bizarre.

But they are good, man. Just don't go greeting people after you've eaten one because, you know, they stain the hell out of your fingers. Your fingers are all red. it literally looks like you've been, like, performing an autopsy, right? You go meet up with a friend or the mailman. Hey, Mr. Williams, we've got a package for you here. All right, I'm coming right down. Here, just hand it to me.

Oh, okay, Mr. Williams, take it easy. Oh, no, this isn't blood on my. My hands aren't red. I wasn't. How's your wife, Mr. Williams? I don't have a wife. Oh, ah, you know, it really does look. look kind of disgusting, but man, is it good?

And then I'm going to keep going here. What the hell? I have, like, five tangerine trees that I planted. And those aren't right beside the house. They're a little further down the hill, but, oh, my God, are they good? Tangerines are great because they're like mini oranges, but they're sweeter, and somehow they decided they're going to make it easy for you to peel them. Whereas oranges can have an attitude, man.

It's like, hey, man, you ain't peeling me, man. Man, you got to be peeling someone else, man, but there ain't no way you're peeling me. You wants to be doing some peeling. You go get yourself a tangerine player. Yeah, I don't know why I went urban there with the citrus, but what the hell? I don't know why I do anything in life.

I don't know why I've been talking to you about my fruit trees for the last five minutes. You must be, like, going insane. Either you're having a craving for, like, a fancy citrus peanut collater or something, or you're like, I'm turning this podcast off. This guy's mental talking about his fruits. Harvesting as fruits and the hell. All right, I'm going to move on.

There are people out there that are not amused or interested in. my farming abilities. But just remember one thing before I end this little conversation. I've got a pomegranate tree player. What you got? I got me a pomegranate tree. I brought it back here on the Harland Highway. Hello?

Hello? You know, Arland, Denver wants more cinnamon boy. Give me more cinnamon. Boy. Hi, I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Give me more cinnamon boy. I'm Cinnamon Boy, and I love cinnamon. Give me more cinnamon boy. I'm Cinnamon Boy, and I love cinnamon. Give me more cinnamon boy. Ah, screw you cinnamon ass. Yeah, Harlan, this is your mom. Tonight when you get home, you will clean the basement or you will not leave the house tomorrow. Is that understood, Harlan? My name is Muet. No, your name is creepy. Wente is Spanish for Mom, by the way. Let's see who else we got calling into the old Harland Highway hotline here. Hello.

Dude, you're the funniest guy I've seen in a long time. You were hilarious at the comedy works, and you're even funnier on the radio. Keep up to good work, buddy. Bye. Oh, man, I love positive feedback. It's such a fine, sophisticated crowd that, that listen. listens to my show, the educated, the in the know, the hip, the smart. Is this?

The highway? Which way? What is the speed limit? And, you know, bipolar people can enjoy my show, too. The main thing is that you listen to the show and you love the show, right? You are a dumbass. You are the most unfunny moron I've ever heard. What are you, like, six years old?

It'd be like five years old. all to enjoy your you're an idiot get off the radio wow man i mean it makes me wonder if the guy's that angry why he would take the time out of his busy day to call me and spew his anger at me like if i don't like a dish like if i've eaten some food and i don't like it i don't take another bite I don't spend time on it If I go on a horrible date I don't call the girl back I don't waste time

So if this guy hates the show so much Why is he picking up the phone And wasting time to let me know I think he secretly likes me Right sir You are a dumb ass Now you didn't mean that You're an idiot

Hey I'm no idiot I went to school Okay buddy I am very well versed articulate, very well-educated, insightful, and... What are you, like, six years old? Okay, wait a minute here, sir. I just realized something that by insulting me, you are insulting my highly intelligent listeners,

sophisticated and intelligent and involved. I mean, you're insulting listeners like this. I'm Marsha to Manatee. Blah, blah, blah. Be my mail order, bride, Ireland. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Blub, blub, blah, whom. Hi. Uh, uh, uh, what,

okay, what did you say I was, sir? You're an idiot. No, didn't you say I was something else? You are a dumb ass. Uh, any suggestions that might help me correct the problem, sir? Get off the radio. Uh, anything else. Give me more cinnamon boy.

Ha, good suggestions, sir. Hi, I'm cinnamon. And boy, and I love cinnamon! Get off the radio. My name is Mueite.