The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 32 - CLASSIC GOLD!

Episode Date: November 10, 2014

It's another amazing FLASHBACK show as we get closer to Episode 42. The earlier episodes that never got stored in the vaults. ENJOY!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Ah! Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. To the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important.

My name is Sophie Tina, and I'm going to kill you. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Hey everybody. Harland Williams here with you. And as you know, it's spelling bee season, right? We had a kid in here the other week. Turned out to be cinnamon boy. Not a good speller. All he could spell was cinnamon. And so we got someone else in here today to try and, you know, put the nuts to. Kind of an odd choice, but I don't book the guests here. So here to step into the Spelling Bee Challenge. is, I guess, a bit of a celebrity in American icon. It's Scooby-Doo. Hey, Scooby.

Hello. So, are you ready for this? Ra, rah. Ra. Okay, let's start it off. Here's your first word. Dissection. Uh-oh.

Dicection. Roh. Yeah, dissection. Uh. D. Rai. Rowe. Roo.

Roh. Okay, no, not very good. You want to try another one? One more. Okay. How about tracheotomy? Trachyotomy. True, ache, e, ro, rata, me.

No, you can't say it, like, you got to spell it. Oh. All right, let's try. something a little more in your wheelhouse um spell oh oh okay that was pretty good how about uh zoinks soinx all right let me give you an easy one i've always liked you how about your name scroooo that's me scooby-doo hey all right good job ladies and gentlemen give them a round of a Pause. Scooby-Doo. Here, here, go get this Scooby Snack. Scooby-snack. Never know who you're going to meet here on the Harland Highway.

Come on, give me a break. Don't look at me like, you know, I'm a mental case here on the Harland Highway. Hi, it's me, Harland Williams, opening the show with Scooby-Doo doing the old Spelling Bee. If you think that's mental, have you seen these people on America's funniest videos, and now they're popping up on YouTube everywhere, right? Where somehow they've got it in their head that their dog is saying, I love you, right? They'll tease the dog with a biscuit or dangle a kitten over its face, dipped in gravy or something, something to entice the dog, and the dog starts moaning and whining and pangs of ecstasy.

And somewhere along the way in its indiscriminate moaning and non-linear whining, it sort of kind of maybe if and or but might sound like the words I love you, like something like this and be like I love you I love you I love you right

did you hear it in there just kind of close but not close I love I love you I love you

I love you and these people you know they're such dog fanatics that they think their dog is literally saying, I love you.

Here's a processed biscuit made of horse bone, turkey lips, ass gravy, and bull testicles, compressed into a shape of a little doggy bone. Here you go. Eat this little chunk of reprocessed. garbage, and how does it make you feel? I love you. I love you.

Yeah. I'm sure your dog loves you for that. It's kind of akin to the people that think they see Jesus, you know, and Mother Mary everywhere. Like, you know, there'll be some sap running down a tree, and it just happens to go this way and that way, and suddenly it. The sap are these ember tears. Amber tears running down the bark of St. Mary, right? There's somebody who pulls a pringle out of a can and it's chipped the wrong way and suddenly it's Jesus. Hallelujah, hallelujah, ranch style Jesus.

Sour cream and onion, Jesus. Barbecue mesquite, son of God. Sorry, sorry, Lord, I just ate you. Probably worth going to hell for that chip. Yeah, or there's a stain. You know, some fat guy spilled some gravy down his shirt. Suddenly you can't wash the shirt because all the people in the community, It is Santa Maria.

But Jesus Christ and Mother Mary. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. People are lining up to touch this guy's gravy-soaked shirt. Maybe kiss it. He's probably charging $12 a head. Finally paid off to be a fat slob and eat gravy at 3 in the morning. Suddenly he's got the holy family on his shirt.

Yeah. Yeah, you people looking for the subliminal in the obviously not subliminal category. Maybe you're just a little too deep into your passions, okay? Chill out, eat the Pringles, their chips. Cut the tree down, make some firewood, have a little fire. Don't be looking for, you know, the vinegles. the three kings of orienti and of, you know, a silent night, holy night manger in the shapes of the flames. Unreal.

People just need stuff to grab on to. And hey, look, don't let me sound like a skeptic here, a pessimist. I do believe in miracles. I mean, what's life if we don't believe in miracles, right? we're always hoping for a miracle and from time to time they come along and they're beautiful and I'm not trying to knock the wind out of your sails

for you know being a dreamer having an imagination but come on people Jesus is not in a pringles can okay Mother Mary is not made out of birch bark all right Just get a hold of yourself, go to church, and ask God that I forgive you. Because you know that no matter what you do, people...

I love with me. We love you so much. Let's go to this here on the Harland Highway. Bonjour, madame and monsieur, you are riding down to Holland Highway. highway with your host Hall and Williams here in Paris. All right, not really. We're not in France,

but you know it is in France this weekend. Today, tomorrow. The French Open. Are you tennis fans? Yeah, the old French Open, man. Sounds more like something you'd find on a menu, isn't it?

Yes, waiter. How's the French open today? Oh, it's delicious. It's got much rooms. and scallions, and a hint of fresh salmon. Ooh, excellent. And does that come with a sauce? Yes, that comes with a nice, fine, Martina Navatolova reduction sauce.

Ooh, and what kind of wine goes with that? That would be a very wonderful Billy Jean King white wine from Australia. Delicious, I'll take it. Give me the French Open. Vanderbar. and then he gets German at the end for no reason. And I love the French language,

but I got to say when they're doing the calls on the court, whenever a player gets a point, the announcer is a French guy, right? And in America, they go, point Federer, point Federer, 15 love Federer. But in France, the guy's like, with 505Nuff Federer. Have you seen what federere?

Oh, la French, Woule, do you, Wreve, Vois, that's fairerer? God. How do you say it in?

Federer. It's so annoying. Monsieur, with the French open, please, with a side order of federelle. Oh, well, what are you going to do, right?

Well, that's it for that one. I'm getting hungry, folks. I'm going to go over to Denny's and get myself a big steam and plate of McEnroe, John McEnroe, on the Holland Highway. Oh, God, don't get me started on tennis. Do you play? Do you play that little game that looks so easy?

Oh, what do I do? I hit a ball over a net and look at all the room. I mean, it's huge. I got this giant green square, and how hard is it to hit a ball? over the net to that other fatty over there. Oh, it's frustrating. Like all professional sports, they're deceiving, right?

Like golf looks like the easiest thing in the one. What, I got to hit a ball? What, down that field? There's a giant field right there. Are you joking? That's a field. Look at there's grass and it's just open. And what, I just got to hit it down towards that flagwood?

Okay. Where to go? Where is it? Tennis is, you know, anyone can pick up a tennis ball and a racket and hack it around. And, you know, that's what I've been doing for the last 20 years. Hitting it around. And every now and then you just somehow fluke and get just a gorgeous shot where you're in rhythm and your body's in sync and your swing is just fluid.

And you place the ball exactly where it needed to be placed. and you put some spin and some speed on it, and those come kind of like Haley's Comet. Like come around about once every hundred years, if you're me. But I love it. I love to run around and give it my best, man. And some days, like any sport,

things just kind of click and you're on fire, and you're just... All the body parts are working, and the hand-eye coordination is going, and just like... Oh, it feels good, man. When you finish, you hurt. You just hurt.

But, you know, I've tried golf. I couldn't do golf. You know, I'm a hockey player. I still play hockey. And, you know, I just can't get around the old slap shot that I'm so used to. When I see that golf ball and I got that club in my hand, I just wind it up and smack it, Just like that goofous, what was his face, Billy Madison or whatever, that Adam Sandler crap. Yeah, it just, it happens.

But hockey is kind of, I related to being a sniper, okay? Because I love hockey. My favorite part of hockey is scoring, scoring the goal. And here's the euphoric feeling you have, the orgasmic feeling you have, at least first. me again when I'm playing hockey because basically hockey's a flurry even when when things are coordinated and you're passing and it's a flurry you only have the puck for for so many seconds until somebody's on you or you have to get rid of it or shoot it or so it's you're constantly in motion and the beautiful thing about hockey especially when there's a scrum

in front of the net and you haven't been fed a clean pass you're just fighting for the puck and you're entangled in other hockey players and you're in front of the other team's net and somehow through all the mayhem and the chaos and the entanglement, a brief little window opens like a two-second window of clarity and that puck is on your stick and you just know where to put it

and you aim and you fire and right over the goalie's top left or right shoulder and you just see the puck go in there and push the netting out when it hits the net it just like the force of your shot it just pushes that netting out you're almost seeing it in slow motion and it's almost similar

I can only imagine to a sniper lining up a shot he's engaged in battle there's the bad guy like 600 yards away creeping along a rooftop bombs going off everywhere mortar fire flying overhead tanks and fire and yelling and people looking for you while you're looking for them and that one little moment of opportunity opens you've got them in your cross hairs and you realize you accidentally just shot an old lady hang up laundry

messed up. But no, you just have that little window to shoot. And for those of you that don't play hockey and don't give a crap, there is a euphoric moment when you pull the trigger on your hockey stick and you hit your target.

There's something so gratifying and rewarding and yummy. Like I said, it's kind of orgasmic. And for you hockey players listening, you're probably going, what the hell is this fruit loop talking about? I hope you're not.

I hope you're on board with me, my players, my homies. I hope you have that feeling, too. Maybe you're just one of those guys that glides around. Doop-de-doo, oh, I got the puck. Oh, went in the net. Whoop-y-doo. All right, well, if that's you, then you probably lack a bit of passion with your sport. Me, it's a moment.

It's a second, it's a frozen second in time. It's almost like the Matrix when they shoot that bullet and canoe Reeves bends over backwards and that bullet whizzes by. That's that little moment I feel. I shoot that puck and everything just slows down and freezes. And the second it drops in the net, everything just starts up again frantically. And it's, I guess you got to be there to experience it. But you probably have things like that in your life that,

that cause you to have those moments. It could be downhill skiing. It could be car racing. It could be kickboxing. I don't know. Why don't you call me and tell me what your euphoric, orgasmic moment is? I'd be interested to hear when everything goes in slow motion for you and things stop and you just have a second,

just a second in life that you enjoy before the volume switch gets cranked up to 11 again and everything starts up again. I'd be interested, man. 323-215-1486. Leave me a nice message. I want to hear about it. And maybe I'll put it on the podcast here on the old Harlan Highway with me, your host, Harlan Williams.

And by the way, thank you for coming along for the ride down the Harlan Highway. Love having you here. Hope you're having a good time. I know I am. He shoots. He scores here on the Harland Highway. Hey, Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway, and I have a special guest in here today.

He drops by from time to time because he likes classic rock. Here he is. How you doing, Mr. Magoo? Oh, heaven's to Betsy. Oh, I love heavy metal. Now, who's one of your favorite? favorite heavy metal or rock and roll bands oh ac dc sir oh the thunder from down under yeah from australia what's one of your favorite songs maybe we'll play it for you here oh you shook me all night long sir

okay we can play i'd rather sing it myself wait a minute you want to sing ac dc's you shook me all night long yes sir wow i don't know if i can say no to that you better not sir okay here we go everybody mr magoo singing you shook me all night long by acdc take a magoo she was a fast machine and she kept her motor clean she was the best damn woman that i've ever seen sir She had the sightless eyes, telling me no lies, knocking me out with those American thighs, sir, taking more than her share, had me fighting for air, she had told me to mock. But I was already there, sir. Wow, this is good. Keep going, keep going. because the walls start shaking the earth was quaking my mind was aching and we were making it off with you shook me all night long sir yeah you shook me all night long heavens to betsy wow nice job magoo wow oh i feel spent oh while you head down

of the bathroom and get cleaned up, you little bald freak. Oh, Magoo, hey, you've done it again, sir. Harland Williams. Got a love old Mr. Magoo, right? What a character. Guy just blind as a bat. Do you even remember him? People listening nowadays, do they even know who Magoo was?

He was voiced by Mr. Howell, the guy from Gilligan's Island. I don't know. Are cartoons educational? Did you learn anything from cartoons? I bet you did, man. I'm willing to go out on a limb, and this is for some of the older listeners here that grew up in, like, the 70s.

I'm willing to bet that you learned quite a bit from cartoons, and let me illustrate the point and give you a little cartoon flashback here and then you tell me whether or not you think you've gained some knowledge from the world of Saturday morning animated cartoondom. Conjunction, junction, what's your function? Hooking up words and phrases and clauses. Conjunction, junction, how's that function? I got three favorite cards that get most of my job done.

Conjunction, junction, what's their function? I got and button, or they'll get you pretty far. And, that's an additive like this and that. But that's sort of the opposite, not this but that. And then there's ore, OR. When you have a choice like this or that, and button or get you pretty far. Conjunction, junction, what's your function?

Hooking up two box cards and making I'm running right Milk and honey, bread and butter, peas and rice Hey, that's nice Dirty but happy digging and scratching Losing your shoe and a button or two He's poor, but honest, sad but true Boo-hoo Conjunction, junction, what's your function?

There it is, that's enough. I think you get the point. Well, not that there's a point, but maybe you get the memory. Um, remember those cookey little cartoons they do when we were kids? If you're in the, uh, like the 35 and older crowd, I'm addressing right now. Um, that was their way of teaching us grammar. They do these catchy little riffs and, uh, throw in, uh, things like nouns and adjectives and adverbs and conjunctions. I don't know to this day

if I really even understand what a conjunction is or if I've ever used the term conjunction I think what I learned more from those cartoons was I think it was my first entree into the world of blues music conjunction, junction, what's your function a billet upwards and phrases and clauses It's like, if they want, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah. It's like muddy waters, singing them, singing them old grammar jingles. But they were catchy. They were fun. And at least they made an attempt

back in the day, right? Because someone somewhere probably got smart when, you know what, kids probably aren't really learning Jack at school. So why don't we, sneak these little fun cartoons with the catchy songs. We'll wedge them in between Scooby-Doo and the Care Bears and, you know,

the Banana Bunch and HR puffing stuff, and they'll never catch on that we're learning them stuff. We're sneaking some good old-fashioned learnings into them little freaks. But nowadays, forget it, man. They go straight to the commercials for liquid chocolate milk and sugary jacked-up cereals and loafs of bread made out of sugar cane and donuts and toys and G.I. Joe and video games. There ain't no learning commercials anymore. You kidding?

The only learning they're doing is how to be a consumer. junk food sugar video games brand names maybe someone actually cared back in the day for us and again i'm going to be totally honest i have no idea what a conjunction is i know that exposes me and you're like you know what i don't really want to listen to a podcast from someone who has no idea what a conjunction is because i had conjunction in my eye last week and it was sore and pink and what conjunction oh conjunctivitis well that's what you mean oh so i don't know what it means either okay well then maybe i will listen to the rest of the podcast because i don't know i just pretended i knew and eh you ever meet people like that man right they think they know something

convinced they know something and you know just talking to them they're totally wrong but they don't know they're so busy believing their own crap and they're so busy trying to sell it to you that you don't have the heart to tell them that the word they just used was totally inappropriate and wrong that the facts they were just telling you were completely wrong you know when jfk ordered the troops into germany we would have won the war Unless Teddy Roosevelt and JFK sent the British into India. And you're like, oh, yeah, yeah, no, you're right, you're right. Yeah, I know I'm right, jackass, okay?

Like, I went to school. Hello? Right? Aren't those the worst people? And even if you tell them they're wrong, they don't believe it. They think you're even dumber than them, even more than you were before. You know what? J.F.K. didn't really send the troops into Germany. Oh, God. What? Did you even go to school? I mean, JFK, chah?

Cha! Cha! Cha! J.F.K. So did too so. Okay. You know what? You're right, and I'm wrong. Yeah, I know. Chah! cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-e-walk what that's an e-walk that's a star wars character shah no it's not it's an expression for stupid okay whatever you win all these rounds brainiac yeah Are people with the vocabularies, right? They're streaming along, trying to sound real intelligent, right? They're blabbing away, trying to be a show off,

and they totally use the wrong word or they make up a word. Yeah, because I went down to the thing, and it was totally inappropriate for the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, interaction to the senator's feasibility you know just wasn't really wasn't really

you know postmortem the the transgressional conductor and there's kind of that little pause right where they're hoping

they're waiting to see if you're going to call them on it but you know it's going to be awkward and embarrassing. So you go, oh, oh, yeah, right, right. Yeah, no. Yeah, exactly. You know, glad you mentioned that. Yeah. Yeah, well, I figured someone had to bring up the identifications.

What? The, um, had to certification the, uh, um, instigators. Oh, okay. I just thank you for clearing that up. Yeah, you're welcome. Maybe try to go into school, huh? Yeah, okay, for sure.

Yeah. You know, nothing beats a good formal educator. Yeah, okay. So learn to talk. learn to use your words learn to use your conjunctions learn to use your Scooby-Doo's learn to sing the blues

and that's your homework for today I'm all out of time and I know those might not be words you don't want to hear but there will be a next time there always is and I want you to join me

here having fun with us on the harland highway milk and honey bread and butter peas and rice hey that's nice conjunction junction what's your function