The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW 33 - classic highway gold!!

Episode Date: February 16, 2015

As we try to catch up to the first 42 episodes that were somehow missing from the archives we play another classic podcast. Please enjoy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is talking Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. What's the matter with your head right? All right. Hey, Harlan Williams here, and you are on my podcast that I cleverly named the Harlan Highway because, you know, the theory is you're riding down this crazy road that winds through your dreams, your nightmares, your imagination, your town, your city, your Verico's veins. It's the Harlan Highway, and you're on it.

Welcome. So I want to address the tattoo people today. And I'm curious, because I saw a guy the other night at a pool hall. You know, I like to crack the balls around, shoot a little stick, as they say. And I saw a guy over one of the other tables. You know, he was a white guy, first of all. with the long dreadlocks. Okay?

I got a problem with white guys with dreads. It just don't fly with me. I don't know why. It just feels wrong. It feels pretentious. It feels, I don't know. Something about it doesn't match. I'm sorry.

Never has. It's always rubbed me the wrong way. If you got dreads, guys, cut them off if you're white. That's all I'm going to say. But this guy had tatum. on his legs all up his calves all up his legs then i looked at his sleeves he had a short sleeve shirt his arms were completely covered then i got up to his face and he had tattoos all over his face okay and i wonder if you know at some point when you're getting tattoos you just kind of

you know you get one you're like oh cool you get two you go really cool you go really cool You get three. You're like, really cool. And you get four and you go, cool, but maybe I have one too many, but am I a nerd if I stop? So maybe I'll tap out at five, and then you get five, and something looks out of balance. And you're like, you know what, I need one more to balance out my body.

And then it's like, you know what, maybe six, seven, eight, nine, ten, 12 later, and then at what point I'm asking you tattoo people that have them all over your buddies, at what point has your body become a throwaway? You know what I mean? It's just like you throw in the towel for your body. You know what? I got a clover on my ankle. I got a flaming skull on my tit.

I got a rainbow with my mother's name across my back. I got, you know, the fighting Irish logo. and the Grim Reaper on my chest. I got, you know, Mother Mary on my bicep. I got Scooby-Doo on the back of my neck. You see where this is going? What I'm asking is, at what point is your body just a throw away? Where you're like, you know what?

I've messed it up. I went about 72 tattoos too far. I don't give a crap. All I got left is my face. Let's plaster that. you put a jigsaw puzzle tattoo on my face or some Maori warrior tribal lines on my face, even though I'm a computer nerd from Cleveland, Ohio. Yeah, somehow I feel like I've earned Maori warrior tribal facial tattoos.

Yeah, I've earned the symbolism and the warrior status of an ancient tribal culture because I work at Best Buy for the geek squad. I mean, honestly, at what point are you just throwing your body to the breeze? And it's like, you know what the hell? You know, at that point, why don't you just become like, you ever see these guys with the tie-d-eye shirts, like you got the stoners with the tie-d-eye shirts? And you know how they make them, right?

I think they get a white shirt, and I think they put elastics all over it, and then they just dunk the shirt and die. And it comes out and they take the elastics off and it makes all these psychedelic patterns and they hang it up to dry. You know, at what point don't you think you should just be doing that with your body?

You got so many tattoos, you've got so much ink. You get so much ink, you're pissing squid and octopie off. Okay? So why don't you just like dunk yourself in a tie-dye vat If you're so into ink all over your body, you know Walk around looking like a lava lamp Hey Jim, where are you going, man? What's he saying? I don't know

Maybe he's going to erupt somewhere Or maybe he's going to go make love to a squid I think you hit it, Bill. Anyways, I don't get it. I'm all for freedom of expression. I'm all for whatever, but I don't know. I get the sneaky feeling at some point you hit a threshold, and then you go over the threshold,

and you just go, you know what, screw my body? What the hell have I done to myself? I'm 43 years old. I work at Best Buy. What the hell have I got to live for? What have I got to lose? Go ahead. Put a mermaid on my forehead and a horseshoe

and a tattoo of Chairman Mao and Mike Tyson. And how about two yin and yang tattoos on each cheek on my face? That'll really... Ooh, I'll be the best... I'll be the best tape recorder expert at Best Buy Now. Oh, well, I'm just asking, because I like to probe. I like to be in the know. I like to be aware of things that are going on in society, as I'm sure you do.

And that's why you tune in right here at the Harland Highway to be informed. Cat, cat, in French chatechapur, in Spanish, el-gato in a sombrero. And I'll tell you something more. Now, you listen to me good. In German, I'm a cata, and that is my huts. Is that not a casserhout? Yeah, that is a catterhut. Catterhut.

Catterhut. Yeah, that is a catterhut. No, put the broom down. I, no, I can't do this position with the broom. Put the broom down in the cleaning bag. Yes, you can use the... Yes, you can use the Lemon Pledge. Ow, watch my eyes.

Just on my legs. Okay. Okay, there you go. Okay, let's do this, because I've got to be on the air in like another 10 minute. What? We're on? No, we're not.

We're on. Okay, thank you, Rosa Louisa. One of our cleaning staff was in here. Just, I, uh, I spilled a coffee and she was, uh, cleaning it up. What? No, we weren't making out. We were not making it. The lemon pledged, I don't know how it got on me.

Look, she's a cleaning lady, okay? I don't know how her top was open. Well, maybe she caught it on something when she was dusting. Yes, these are boxers. What? Some of the coffee got on my pants, and I had to take them off and put them on the floor, but I'll put them back on it. So what?

It's a little coffee. It's decaf. Whopi-do. It's only the caffeinated stuff that affects your sperm count or something. So, okay. No, we were not making out the security camera. No, you don't want to look at that. No, don't look at that.

Don't look at the tape. I got to go. Enjoy the music. We'll be right back here on the Harland Highway. Look, she started it, okay? No, she came on to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they always do, Harlan. They're always coming on to you. How about you when it comes to cleaning?

Let's talk about you. And I'll say this twice ago. Let's talk about you, you disgusting. dirty, greasy, pig, slob. Okay? And now, let's talk about you, you anal retentive, clean, gerbophobic, antiseptic-smelling, freak. Yeah. You ever go out with the slob?

And then on the flip side, you ever go out with the, uh, clean. nut the clean freak i i honestly am not a hundred percent sure which is worse it's almost like the god and the devil isn't it it's like on one hand the slob kind of you're kind of like oh god man put your dishes away don't just drop your clothes there pick them up it's like what what do you mean you you're just leaving those dishes in the sink what No, that stuff's been on the laundry hamper for four weeks. And you're putting it back on? Oh, you didn't have time to wash it.

So, okay, that just smells dandy. And so you have to deal with somebody being a slob in your house. If you're living with someone or you're married. Or even if it's a visitor or a family member come to visit and they're a slob. But then is it? Is it even worse when someone's just a clean fanatic? I had a girlfriend once where if I put a glass down on the glass coffee table, a drinking glass, glass on glass, I got the look of death.

It was almost, you know, like getting murdered with her eyes. Did you put that glass on the table? Yes. Why did you put the glass? glass on the table because that's where you put a glass when you finish drinking you rest it down on the table don't give me so hard talking back talk you hold the glass in your hand you don't put things on the table now I have to wash the table and wipes the table off you infidels you know the type right they're just always

cleaning and at first you like it you're like you're like oh man it's nice to have a clean person around for a change man look at this place is spotless and kind of smells fresh and looks good and it's really nice and then all of a sudden if you're living with a clean freak eventually you kind of hit that wall where you're like wait a minute it's always just a little too clean and i'm always getting looks and comments and she's always puttering around and wiping things and she can't really sit still

and even though she doesn't say anything when you walk in that door and your shoes are a little dirty, you catch her kind of looking at you out of the corner of your eyes. She's got one eye on the TV watching sex in the city and the other eye separates

like a chameleon and it completely gravitates towards your dirty shoes she's got one eye on sex in the city and the other day eyes following your your dusty running shoes walking across the floor she's been licking all day the only thing that breaks it up is a fly goes by she goes she catches it with her chameleon tongue i don't know man I can't decide sometimes. Slobby or cleany?

Sounds like a couple of the new seven dwarfs from Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho! It's off to slob I go. I clean all day and I slob away. Okay, enough of that. Checkmark here on my pad. Never do that again.

Stupid and retarded. anyways you tell me man you tell me what's better a slob or a clean freak call me a 323215 1486 leave me a message and tell me which you like better and maybe an experience a story nothing too long don't use up the whole answering machine but lay me a little tail of the tape on what somebody did that was too dirty or too clean that was part of your life. And if I like it, I'll play it on the air because you know, I love to hear your voicemails here on the Harlan Highway. Hello?

Hello? Oh, hi there. I'm going to set my ship for sale. And when he discovered that the world was around instead of flash, That's how he discovered America. He said, Oh, hi there! The world is round!

Okay, that was just a little bit disjointed there, uh, mama. Uh, you know, I'm all for creative people, but, uh, you know, let's try to formulate it a little more together, shall we say? You know, put it in the form of a poem. Anybody out there got a poem for me? Hey, Harlan, I heard you write poetry. So I wrote a poem about you. There once was a radio guy named Harlan. His breath smelled much like a Marlin.

His brain was too small. His Johnson, not tall. And he wears shoes like Judy Garland. All right. I hope you like it. Stay black, playoff. Okay. I can handle people saying stuff about me, okay?

But I'm just glad you mentioned that I'm black. end of that poem because if you didn't give me that I would have had a problem okay I am african-american and I'm proud and even though the color of my skin is white don't be fooled okay I am as black white as they get okay I am completely white black black I'm black white and I'm proud So I will keep a black player. Thank you. It's Harlan Williams. Stay black player.

Stay black player. Yeah. How about you? Are you staying black player? Is race an issue with you? Huh? And I'm not talking to white people here. I'm talking to black people, white people, Asian people, Latinos.

Any type of people, anyone can have a problem with race. race. How about you? Huh? Are you one of these people that, um, kind of see race as a big issue? Everything that happens, you know, everything that goes on. I mean, there's people from every race that do it, right? Like Al Sharpton, you know, you know, Al, Reverend Al Sharpton, anything happens, anything said. about a black person or anything happens to a black person. Today, somebody dropped a bag of gold coins on a black person, and Reverend Al Sharpton stepped in and said it was a racist move,

and, you know, I don't know, I'm all for a guy defending his people. But sometimes to me, personally, it feels like this guy, makes an issue out of everything. He seems more like an opportunist than a sincere advocate for his race, the African-American peoples. Sometimes I feel he makes a mountain out of a mole hill, and sometimes I think he's bang on.

But, you know, sometimes I think he cries wolf a bit too much, and I think it diminishes his credibility sometimes as a champion for his causes. And I think that can happen in any race. But I don't like people that look to over-inflate issues and problems that maybe don't need it. And I can't sit here and say there isn't racism and there isn't inequality with all races.

I mean, hell, there's some kind of thing going on. I think in New York now where a bunch of white firefighters are suing the state because they feel discriminated against that they weren't chosen for some firefighter promotions that they were more qualified for than the minorities that were up for them. so it happens on every side but my question isn't whether it happens or not or it doesn't happen what i'm asking is do you make a big deal out of race and whether you do or don't there's no right or wrong answer there's no politically

correct answer i'm not looking for that i'm looking just in your subconscious in your everyday demeanor as you're walking around whistling and you see some white kids playing and you see some black kids playing and some Latino kids playing whoever does your mind go there do you do you create the division and go look at the Latino kids look at the Asian kids you know does your mind have race anxiety where you have to separate things and categorize things and people? Or are you one of these people that can just kind of waddle down the road and drive around? It's like, hey, there's a black guy. Hey, there's an Asian guy.

Oh, look at the honky. I mean, the white guy. You know? I fall into that category, man. It's just like, yeah, hey, it's peeps. It's folks. It's human beings. you know we all have our stereotypes i can't lie i can't say that any person listening probably doesn't have certain stereotypes but it doesn't mean that they believe in them or subscribe to them or anything like that it's just something that's been ingrained into us by

living you know stereotypes about uh black people love and loud rap music and white people don't know how to dance and have no rhythm and asian people can't drive and, you know, all this bull crap. Those are just common. But what I'm asking is, can you just wander around and just take everything at face value? I think that's one of the advantages I had growing up in Canada is, you know, we just started right out of the gate. I remember being in kindergarten with black kids, Asian kids, white kids, Malaysian kids. I don't know.

Everyone was there. and in my neighborhoods and in the city where I lived and you know it just wasn't a big issue when I grew up but when I came to the states when I moved to the USA man

it's like it's almost like so many people here are just looking for that racial button you know I don't know it almost it's almost as if people are are looking to fan the flames of the fire sometimes

as opposed to just like getting along and coasting together. And like I said, that isn't to say there aren't bad people out there that do bad things, but let's really find them out, white, black, Asian, whoever. And I guess if there's a little message here, if there's a little anything here, it's everybody just try to coast, man. Let's see the peeps. See the people. Groove alongside the people and stop letting the media and the news and the Al Sharpton's and the white supremacists and all these people who try to divide everything up and make it a racial issue. No.

Let's drop it, man. And, you know, you point to obvious injustice when you see it. but the rest of the time, let's all try to freaking chill and just, it's all meld and flow along. And I'm not spinning a fairy tale here. It's doable. It is doable. And it's all up to you listening,

and it's all up to all of us to just be accepting and coast along. And all right, suddenly I'm starting to sound like somebody's fairy godmother, aren't I? But hopefully you take something away from what I just said. I don't claim to be a preacher. I don't claim to be a sociologist. I don't claim to be an activist or anything like that. I'm just a guy with some thoughts about getting along.

And speaking of getting along, why don't I just get along to a new topic right here on the Harland Highway? Hello? This thing on? Hello! Hey, hey, hey, Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway, and let's listen to some messages that I got on my answering machine from all the friendly folks that have been calling in. Hello. What's up, Harlan? I just want to say thanks,

and livening it up with all these squares that say you're not funny and they don't get you. You're hilarious. So thanks, bro. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What are they saying? You're not funny. Oh, that hurts, man. What else are they saying? They don't get you.

Oh, man, that really hurts. I'm trying my best, man. I mean, who are these people? Squared. Oh, see, well, that's why, man. I don't do my comedy for square people, man. That's like Wendy's hamburgers are square, you know? I do my comedy for round people.

Yeah, round-shaped people with no hard edges. You're hilarious. Yeah, you like the way I did that whole round and square thing? Hilarious. And then I said Wendy's hamburgers? Hilarious. Yeah, I guess I'm pretty good, right? You're hilarious.

I mean, I'm one of these guys that can pretty much say anything, and it's... Hilarious. Exactly. Like, listen to this, okay? I'll just say, like, a random thing, like, uh, bacon, say. Sandwich. Hilarious. Tonell Clipper.

Hilarious. Lightbulb. Hilarious. Family of Swedish tourists getting mauled to death by flesh-eating lions. You're hilarious. See, you get me, dude. Thanks, dude. Thanks, bro.

What a great call. So all you square people out there listening, man, you better get around really fast. Or you're just going to miss out on. all my amazing humor here on the Harland Highway. Hilarious. Yep, that's the hilarious show for today, the Harland Highway podcast. The streetlights are going dim. The road is being closed for repairs, but we'll be back soon.

You'll be notified. All you have to do is subscribe. Subscribe to the Harland Highway podcast. Tell your friends. It's a great way to hit the treadmill, go for a walk with your dog, sit by the fire, roasting weenies. And be sure to call, call or send an email. You can call it 323-215-1486. The phone number is on the website, harlomwilliams.com.

And maybe there's a topic you want me to talk about or entertain. So you can leave me a sincere message, and I'll see if I can get to it. Or if you have an email you want to send, you can send an email through the web page, harlomwilliams.com. And give me your feedback, man. Give me your feedback. And thank you so much for riding along here with me on the Harlan Highway. We'll look forward to Catch you to the next time

Till then Remember Round burgers Are better than square burgers You're hilarious By George, I think he's got it