The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW # 34 - OLDY BUT GOLDY!!!

Episode Date: July 16, 2015

In keeping up with our flashback shows we inch closer to number 42. Enjoy the GOLD! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Ah! Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important.

My name is talking Tina, and I'm going to kill you. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Hey, it's Harland Williams. You are on the Harland Highway. We're motoring along, and I think it's time to pull off the Harland Highway and take exit 81 and visit our old friend Charlie Lee, owner of the Moonglow Restaurant and Tavern. Hey, Charlie, it's Harland. Oh, how you do, funny guy? What's going on with you?

Oh, Charlie not do so good. Uh-oh, what do you mean? Oh, Charlie, see hard times. Charlie not making money. People not come in a Moonglow restaurant. Oh, come on, there's always a lineup out here. Yeah, well, I just tell you, people not coming so much. Well, I mean, you know, every business has its ups and downs.

Yeah, what you work for, elevator company now, funny guy? Okay, I'm just trying to help. You want to help you give Charlie money? Well, yeah, I'll buy something to eat. No, no, Charlie start charity. Give Charlie money for charity. Oh, you started a charity? That's what I said.

You got waxing your ears, funny guy? Okay, come on, don't get spicy with me. I make spicy egg raw for you. What's your charity? Charlie Lee got charity for troops. The troops? Okay, that sounds good. Yeah, you give Charlie, uh, $50.

What do you mean, $50? You give Charlie $50, he gives the troupe. Okay, I give you $50 and you give it to the troop. What's the name of your charity? Uh, uh, Moonglo, uh, restaurant, uh, buffet charity. What do you mean, Munglo Restaurant Buffet Charity? What do you mean, Munglo Restaurant Buffet, charity. That's what I said, funny guy. Come on, give me 50 bucks. Wait a minute. Are you sending this money

overseas for the troops? Uh, well, Charlie not run a staples. Charlie, he not got envelopes around or, you know, what the heck? Wait a minute. What are you doing with this 50 bucks? Uh, Charlie need money for troops. You're not giving it to the troops. You're not giving it to the troops. You're You're putting it in your pocket, aren't you? Just give me 50 bucks, funny guy. I'm not giving you nothing. What about the egg roll? I don't want your egg roll.

Come on, funny guy. You are stealing money from people. You know, you don't have a real charity. Oh, Charlie Lee got a good charity terriaki. I'm out of here, Lee. You're ripping people off. Oh, you go eat an egg roll. I'm out of here, Lee.

Unbelievable. a total rip-off artist if you're over at the moon glow don't be giving that guy any money up yours funny guy how does he always hear me stay away from the moon glow here on the harland highway up yours man alive charlie lee is one heck of an oddball isn't he you never know who you're going to meet rolling down the harland highway you guys trying to send money to the moon globe buffet troops or something Speaking of the highway, you ever do a road trip? You ever just jump in the old rig and roll on down the highway, do a road trip? Here's what's great about California, man.

This state has some of the most diverse geography. You can start in L.A. and go one direction. You're at the ocean. You go another direction. You're in the desert. You go another direction. You're in the mountains. And you can plan road trips where you hit all of them.

um it's just it's just great so this weekend i jumped in the truck and i headed up to uh northern california probably about i don't know five six hours north to a place called the mammoth lakes and uh they got fly fishing they got the trout swimming around in the water and you're up there in the mountains standing in a creek or on the shores of the creek and you got the fly rod going and I didn't catch a damn thing. Oh, God! Okay, here's the problem with fly fishing when you're in a nice, pristine, picturesque,

almost postcard-like setting, okay? Here you are the weekend sports fisherman. And you got all your rigs, you got all your gear, your tackle, your flies, your fly rod, your bait, your ambition, your goals, your ego, and you step out onto the banks of these beautiful rivers, crystal clear mountain water, okay?

Just moving along at a snail's pace. You can see like the water plants just kind of wiggling back and forth, and the water's so clear you can see right down into it. Well, it's only usually about two feet deep, But here's the other thing. You can see everything in that river, including the damn fish. I'm not kidding you. I would be standing at any given point in the river,

and there'd be like 17, 18, 19 trout at my feet. Okay, and I'm getting animated here because I would drop the lure or the worm or the fly. I tried everything, by the way. It's a dynamite. I would drop it right in front of their faces. Just floats right on by. Some of them would swim up, take a look.

Ah, I think I see a hook in there. This water's so clear I can see a hook. I'll pass. Thanks. Nice try, loser. Are you kidding me? It was nuts. I stood there for hours and hours looking down at the fish, trying every trick in the book.

My lures and everything, you know, colored wobblers and whiplers and flapjacks and fibrlers dibblers, de wiblers, like I have a Dr. Seuss's tackle box. Dewibblers and fibblers and dibblers and nibblers. But none of the fish would bite it my gwyblers. I don't know. I have no Dr. Seuss.

But oh my God, it was pure mockery. If a fish had a finger and it could flip you off, I got flipped off all day long. These little jinxens were just rubbing it in my face. Everything just floating right by their noses. I'm standing over this crystal clear water, watching them swim around and enjoy life, and I just want to pull them out of the water.

I would have caught in release. I don't need to kill you or eat you, but give me a little bit of a moment. Let me hook your soft, tender mouth, and pull you up and be a man again. Good Lord. But I'm no dummy, okay? Here's the thing.

I have some experience fishing. I have many years of working and living in the wilderness. Back in the day, yours truly was actually a forest ranger and a fish and wildlife guy working up in northern Canada and I wasn't going to be I wasn't going to be

excuse me I wasn't going to be skunked so I was like okay this still calm crystal clear water they're not doing it so what do I need to do I need to keep walking up river and find like some waterfall or some rapids, and find those little ponds, those little pockets where there's a little bit of a run

or there's a little pool of water with the water spinning around on the white bubbles, just a little area of kind of stillness but fast-flowing water. And I'll throw a shiny spinner in there, and the trout will just see it flash in the sunlight, and boom. So guess who? Guess who went up there and started getting bites immediately. Yeah, that's right. I got a little action up there. Now, I didn't land any, but I hooked about three or four.

But I was going to do catch and release anyways. So who cares? By the way, isn't catch and release would guys do at bars? I just realized that term is like a fishing term, but I just realized it should probably be applied to modern-day singles bars and nightclubs and pickup joints hey look at that chick over there Dave oh yeah she's definitely catching release

what's that mean well you catch her and you baba and then you release oh okay yeah I've done that I don't know I hope not that would be quite crude um so I don't know

gotta love the road trips getting away driving up the high highway, looking for roadkill and weird restaurants and little, funny little places and funny little towns. And you're on a road trip right now and it's kind of funny, I hope. I hope you're finding some humor right here on this road trip for your mind, the Harland Highway. With me, Harland Williams.

Okay, this is a tough topic to talk about because, it's something that I think you're all guilty of, men and women, children, old people. How many of you have tried to get away with farting outside while you're talking to someone thinking, oh, hey, we're outside, I can fart, and no one will smell it, because we're outside, it'll just float away. You're standing there and you're chatting away. You're in a little group and you crank one out it's silent no one knows you did it and in your head you're like oh that felt good that thing's just going to float into the atmosphere probably cause a little global warming maybe kill a seagull a few miles down no one'll know any better but somehow there just doesn't happen to be

a breeze that day not even a whisper of a breeze the the leaves on the trees aren't even moving And it just happens to be one of those real rotten farts. Yeah, really pronounced like compost heap. And it starts swirling around you. It starts swirling around the people you're talking with. And they start kind of, they have those little eyebrow twitches. Or they get that little look of recognition in their eye. Nobody says anything because it's embarrassing.

but they all kind of get that uncomfortable. Oh, Jesus, did someone just fart? How is that possible? We're outside. I mean, this guy just farted in front of me, man. This idiot farted outside, thinking he could get away with it, but it would just float away on the breeze, but it's hanging here.

It's hanging here like mustard gas. Ew! And you see the other person start shifting, and trying to end the conversation quickly and you're trying to act like everything's fine and dandy. Oh, smell those spring roses. Ah, yeah, right. They know you did it.

So how many of you are guilty of the outdoor fart? You're going to do those, man. You better go to Chicago because that's the windy city. You're sure to get a breeze. It'll pull your fart away over there. You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway. Until then, man. Just keep it in your pants.

Okay, not all my topics are that classy. I'll be honest. I mean, you know, they're not all like five-star rated topics, but I try to touch on topics that, you know, touch on you. I try to keep topics that are, you know, relatable. They're topics that you might have experiences with. And I know you've all dropped a duchy bomb outside at some point. So there, I mean, you can roll your eyes, you can turn the podcast off.

You can do whatever you want. You can go outside and blast one. I don't care. You know what I'm talking about, okay? Not all these topics are going to be easy for you. Not all of them are going to be light and fluffy. And I shouldn't say light and fluffy when I'm talking about outdoor farts, but not every topic is going to make you just smile and grin and whistle down the street.

There's going to be some topics that put you on the edge of your seat and farting outside is one of them. So there, you're busted. Okay, let's move along, shall we? Can we just move along? Continuing on my story about my road trip. always finding funny little places we found a little diner little diner and and you know this thing's had been around since like the

20s or something like that and you got to love those old places you know they're just off the beaten path just off the edge of the highway they're like you know the diner's kind of the central center point of the little town right and uh every Everyone in there knows everyone. And the menu's 100 years old. And the stuff hanging on the walls 100 years old. You got like stuffed deer heads and trout and stapled the logs and tractor parts. And, you know, the place I was in, we were out in trout country, right?

In the lakes and the rivers, freshwater fish. So they had these things stuck all over the walls. a couple of deer heads and then somehow like a dolphin you know the Mahi Mahi those brightly covered salt water they're blue and yellow

and green these brilliantly colored dolphins one of those was hanging on the wall and then over on the other wall a sailfish and it's like what the hell is this all about you know that'd be like going to a hunting lodge

in Africa right and you're sitting there drinking tea and having crumpets and hearing about the safari stories of the day and up there on the wall there's a Cape Buffalo head and a stuffed lion and a rhino head and an elephant maybe a stuffed baboon over in the corner and a wildebeest and a gazelle and oh look there on the floor a zebra carpet And then over on the far wall, there it is, a polar bear. Huh? Aren't those from Canada, man? Yes, but we shot one out on the plains of the Kalahari.

It was chasing down a springbok. I don't think so. Yes, yes, it was, yes. And could you please explain that Timberwolf over there nestled between, The lion and the hippo. Yes, we have wild timber wolves here in Africa. Yeah, right. So anyways, that's what this was like.

I'm in this little place in the mountains, and they got these giant saltwater trophy fish, huh? And then this was the Piazza resistance. You know, you had all these stuffed deer head all around, and then over one of the doors, or right over one of the tables, actually, hanging on the wall. And I love this, by the way.

It was a stuffed deer's ass. I'm not kidding. It was just the ass sticking out of the wall with a tail. A deer ass. Mounted on a piece of wood, just the way the deer heads are. And it was sticking out of the wall. Pardon the coughing, but what am I going to do?

I'm human a cough. so what um but it was beautiful i loved it that someone went to the trouble to stuff an ass and how many of you haven't done that hello and then they hung it on the wall in a restaurant okay you're eating your your turkey salad sandwich or you're biting into your omelet and you look up dear ass staring me in the eye a dear ass nice but anyways my point is these places are old and they're full of character they're full of these old artifacts and there's dust on everything and there was an old stone fireplace the wooden floorboards were creaky you know the waitresses looked like they've been making love to truck drivers at a truck stop for the last four weeks you know the food was kind of bad but it was so bad it was kind of good kind of fun man gotta love the old road trips

here's my piece of advice to you if you got a nine to five job right you got the nine to five or your life's getting a little boring even with your wife or your girlfriend you know you think you need to rent a video to spice it up

or you know you need to go to counseling or you know anything in your life is mundane this is what I recommend just block out four days between five and three days and get in your damn car and just drive somewhere remote okay there are more remote the better

and don't plan it don't look ahead, don't book a hotel just look at a roadmap and go I'm going to drive there okay and stop when you see a goofy restaurant you think looks fun stop when it starts to get dark

if you see a cabin for rent or a cheesy hotel hotel with a neon sign like the cactus flower in or stop at a cheesy bed and breakfast. Just go on a little adventure. I'm telling you that will spice up your love life. It will help you reconnect to whoever you're with or even if you're with them for the first time.

A lot of fun. It will help you reconnect to yourself and it will get you out of your day-to-day existence and forget about planning a trip to club. Med or Hawaii or Barbados or somewhere where everybody goes. There's great stuff in your own backyard. Just get out and explore it.

Don't have too much of a plan. Just drive and get there. There's always going to be a hotel somewhere. It's always going to be a place to eat somewhere. Don't worry about it. Be spontaneous. Go have some damn fun. Take lots of pictures.

Take your video camera and create your own little adventure for three, four days, and six months later, go do it again. Go and find a restaurant with a deer ass hanging over your table. That's what I'm trying to tell you. I promise you won't regret it. And there you go. That's my Dr. Phil moment for today's show. Let's carry on, shall we hear, on the Harland Highway.

Hello? Hello, Bill and busy. Hi, do you sell French fries? Yes, ma'am. Do you have curly fries? No, ma'am. Oh, do you know if you'll be getting any curly fries in? Do what?

I say, do you know if you'll be getting any curly fries in real... No, ma'am, we don't sell them. Oh, I really like the curly fries. I like the way they curl all around. Do you think maybe you could get some curly fries in? Hold on a second. Thanks. Thanks.

You're on system. Take your one. How do you sell curly fries? I always sell caesar fries. I need some curly fries. I really like the way they curl all around. Mm-hmm. You think you'll be eating some curly fries in soon?

Uh, if you can talk to our boss, she might order you some. Oh, I just love me some nice curly curly fries. I was ordering, wondering if I could order some food, please. What kind of food you ordered? Y'all got French fries? Apparently you have the wrong number, ma'am. I just want some curly fries. Y'all got curly fries?

Ma'am? Yes. You apparently have the wrong number. Well, do you have curly fries or not? Because I love curly fries. I'm telling you you have a wrong number. Well, do you have curly fries? Who is this?

Just a little curly fry eating scoundrel. Harland Williams. God, I don't know why I love curly fries. So it's just fun to say. say it, isn't it? Curly fries. I'm just a little curly fry loving scoundrel. I don't know. And who wants to hang up on someone calling about curly fries? It's such an innocent little thing, isn't it? Just the way the words come together. You can't hang up on someone

wanting curly fries. It's just so sweet and innocent. It's like someone calling up and asking for angel wings. How you've got any angel wings? Sorry? Angel wangs. You got the wrong number, lady. I just want some angel wings. You know, curly fries. It's almost a sweet and gentle.

The fact that those previous callers hung up is almost unbelievable. It's almost sacrilege. I wouldn't want to be them. You know, burning in the fiery brimstone of hell. When they get to the pearly gates and God's like, yeah, your life chick, so pretty good oh wait a minute wait a minute did somebody call you asking for curly fries one day yes and you hung up on them yes you're going straight to hell oh god i knew it i should have got them

curly fries oh god love it god love it um well what's your favorite food do you have a favorite food, huh? Why don't you send me an email at harlornwilliams.com, okay? Or you can call the old Harland Highway hotline at 323-215-1486. And I don't know why I want to know what your favorite food is, but maybe I do. Just call me. Don't be so judgmental about me or yourself. I don't know.

I might put it on the air. I might not. I just don't know. I don't know. I look forward to hearing from you. And this show is just about over. As you can see, I'm coughing. I've been talking so much.

So, let's end it. Let's end it on a laugh, shall we? And, oh, mercy. Mercy me. I'm dying. Let's end it on something funny. why don't we do one more little voicemail here and we'll go out on not only me giving you a laugh

but the people who call the show we'll catch you next time thanks for listening folks love having you here on the harland highway hello hey this is harland williams and you're listening to the harland highway and i just want to reassure most of my listeners Do not have a drinking problem Many people suspect That a lot of my listeners are drunks It's not true

Just listen to this phone message I got Ahoy there I'm gonna set my ship a sail And when he discovered that the world was round Instead of flat That's how he discovered America He said, oh hi there The world is round

Okay, I lied My listeners are hammered The world is round. But I love them anyways, here, on the Harland Highway. Oh, holy there! You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Stop it! Stop it!

You're busting my heart. Heaven's to Murgatroyd.