The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK - SHOW #35 - Harland is on summer vacation.

Episode Date: July 20, 2015

More flashback gold while Harland is on his summer vacation. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is Jackie Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Ho, ho, ho. Williams here. Harland Williams here with you. Welcome to the Harland Highway, where it's magical. It's like wandering into a tepee filled with mystical swirling, ancient tribal smokes, and the scent of Jasmine and hickory and... sin a swirl i don't know what am i talking about you're here on the harland highway you're not in a tpee but do you smell the sinous swirl who came up with that flavor the sinous swirl okay um

how are you folks doing welcome to the harland highway and have you been texting have you got text fever. I saw a news item the other day that was talking about teenagers having to go in for surgery because they've got some kind of ailment that's text-related. They're getting arthritis in their hands and they're wearing out the bald joints and their thumbs and they're just texting. It's crazy. You know they're going to have to create some kind of little electrode that they put on your temple so you can text with your mind and believe me it'll happen you laugh you're like ah ha ha harland dumb ass electro texting with your mind stupid no it's not stupid i saw a thing on 60 minutes a few months ago where these guys have invented some kind of thing where they put an

electrode or some kind of sensor on your head and the computer picks up what you're thinking about okay and i'm not even making it up i wish i was so it's in its primitive form shall we say this technology but if you think a computer reading what you're thinking is primitive okay you're a nut job covered with marinera sauce it's primitive to the point where they haven't developed it yet but just the very fact that they've figured out a machine that can read what you're thinking, that is not primitive. It's the application of it that is still primitive, but at one point, you know, nowadays we have texting devices.

Soon it's just going to be all done mentally, telepathically. Here's what I say about the future. Here's what I've always maintained about science fiction and all the stuff you see in the movies and on TV and all the far-out creations. like, you know, Star Trek and spaceships go on a new planets and transporter beams and laser guns and all that stuff. In my mind, almost anything the human mind can imagine,

it seems like we can create. You know, back in the 50s and the 60s, it was fantastical to think that the human race would actually go to the moon. If you go back and look at every science fiction comic book, or novel or story, even movies. It was this huge thing that man going to the moon, moon creatures, you know, no one ever believed they'd go to the moon. Bingo, they go to the moon.

You know? No one believed that there would be, you know, phones with televisions in them where you could watch movies. No one believe there'd be like telephone wrist watches and I don't believe there'd be laser beams and laser guns. Yeah, the military's using that stuff now. They've developed it. And, you know, look at the space shuttle.

I mean, you know, this is a space shuttle from the last few decades. So, you know, that thing's made, what, you know, 73 missions up into orbit and they're building a space station? Okay, primitive by futuristic standards. but do you think in 600 years they're just going to be going up to orbit and building, you know, Lego up in space? Hell no, if they're doing that now, what are they going to be doing in 600 years?

Hello, Star Trek, hello? Captain's log, Kirk. I thought I heard you say Star Trek. Kirk, I'm doing a show. Don't butt in. What are you doing in here anyhow? I thought I heard you say Star Trek, and I am the commander of the USS Enterprise.

Get out of here. I can't get out of here. Why not? I have to be beamed out of here. Then beam your ass out of here, Kirk. I can't have you raise your voice on my bridge. This is not your bridge. This is my podcast.

Get out of here. Cranky. Yeah, I'm cranky. Always coming in here thinking. and this is the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. God, what a moron. I must get Mr. Spock in here to conference. Get out!

Out! On the elevator and down. God. Anyways, my point is I started with texting, and now I'm fighting with Captain James T. Kirk. Yes, I heard my name. Get out! God, you just say anything about that, and he appears.

USS Enterprise. Yes, out! God! Anyways, think about the future and where we stand now and all the things we have. Think about how, you know, almost every week something new and fantastical comes. out. That's technology driven. And if you don't think in 600 years we're going to be floating and flying around and oh please, as long as all the morons out there are trying to hold the human race back, all the terrorists and the religious nuts that don't think that humans should

advance themselves in the name of holy whatever, we are going to be doing some wild things people so anyways i was getting back to texting what is with these teenagers man texting their little asses off i like texting myself before i go to sleep at night right that's always a treat you text yourself before you go to sleep and then you wake up in the morning and you look oh i've got a text what's it say oh look at this good morning angel oh so cute you were great last night angel oh what a nice text sinicran muffins are in the oven angel oh you know just text yourself before you go to bed and wake up to cheery love and texting by the way is a great way to get rid of friends you don't like yeah it's a great way to innocently have them killed you know you don't

enough to go through all that messy business of hiring a hitman or plotting out some kind of fantastical murder that you're going to get nailed for anyways, right? If you got someone rubbing you the wrong way, you know, an annoying friend or even a best friend you're just jealous of or someone you're just tired of their attitude, you want to knock them off, just text them while they're driving. Make sure you know they're driving somewhere and then write them a long text, just a bunch of BS. Like, oh my God, I went to I went to the mall today and I found this great bargain on shoes and I can't believe it. They're only nine, you know, just ramble on.

And one thing I know about humanity is they can't resist reading their text is. Yeah, that's right. I said their text is. Wait a minute. How do I say text plural? I guess it's texts. I didn't have time that. You got to hit that S pretty hard.

They're texts. It's hard to put an X next to an S. and don't love of me try it out loud yeah i sent my friend a bunch of texts try it don't mock me put it in a sentence smart asses out loud right now i'm gonna i'm gonna go silent for a minute and i want you to say out loud i'm gonna send my friend a bunch of texts you can't do it go i'm going silent for 10 seconds out loud wherever you are go it's tough man i just fell into that but anyways getting back to murdering your friends when they're driving sent them a long long text because no one can resist reading their text

they have to do it they can't wait no i got to read it now i got to read it now so send them a long one you know they're going to read it while they're driving and it's so long their eyes are going to be off the road they're going to be looking down they're going to be looking up they're going to be looking down and then inevitably there's going to be a big collision. And if the text you get back from them, if the last text you ever get back from them just says a tree with exclamation marks, and then you never hear from them again,

and then you know you got them. And then obviously when they do the police report, how do you die? Oh, he was reading a text and drove right into an oak tree. sounds like murder to me what are you talking about just a text did it say anything about shoes on sale as a matter of fact it did murder murder in the text degree anyways i'm excited to see what we have next i'm not even kidding about telepathic texting because these dorky teenagers are screwing up their hands. They're all going to be like clawed, like mushroom people from the center of the earth

walking around with claws. They can't pick stuff up because they've, they've texted their hands to pieces before they've hit 19. Going to look like that girl from the ring with their hands all clenched and, ugh. All right, technology, baby. Got to love it because you're listening to it right now and that's how you got here to the harland highway uh houston this is uh space shuttle discovery could we uh can we get a bottle opener up here please uh yeah that's right you heard it sounds like the guys flying around in the space shuttle we're getting hammered okay there's one thing to be driving drunk. I think it's another thing to be flying drunk.

And I think it's a whole new level when you're flying drunk in outer space. I mean, man, what is the matter with you? Who's flying the shuttle? Lindsay Lohan? Just driving along, singing, blurry-eyed, and bang! Drive right into Uranus. That just sounds,

Oh, God. Are you kidding me, man? These astronauts are up there floating around and they're sauced on Jack Daniels. Aren't they up there supposed to be doing experiments for the future and the good of humankind and studying the effects of zero gravity? How about the effects of zero gravity when you're hammered? Okay, it's hard enough to walk in a straight line. When you're drunk here on old earth. Imagine floating around and you're hammered. Doob-de-do-do-d-bong- ow. Oh, man, what day?

Doop-do-do-d-d-d-d-cob. Ow, man, I just hit a computer. Do-l-l-glug-glug-ggg-bong-bong. Oh, I just slammed into the bathroom, man. Glug-glug-g-bong-bong-bunk. Oh, man, I just... What was that? A space window?

Oh. I mean, these guys are flying. around a $23 billion dollar aircraft okay that's billions of our tax dollars money man you can't be up there having a partay floating around

space like you're in the movie Animal House you gotta you gotta show a little discipline man NASA okay you gotta show some control NASA

Doesn't NASA stand for no alcohol, smoking, or ass? Now we're going to have to start a whole new group. You know, we got mad, mothers against drunk driving. Now we're going to have Plaid, Planet Against Drunk Astronauts. And I don't even think those letters work, but I think, you know what I'm getting at. Oh, man. Well, I'm going to be watching my TV when I see these guys. guys come in for a landing man because uh you know what i want to see where exactly they land you know

they're gonna land in an oak tree or something save your drinks for happy hour friends right here on the harland highway clean and sober oh yeah yeah yeah yeah drinking and flying not a good practice speaking of flying and i'm just changing topics here completely you ever going to fly fishing are you uh sports enthusiasts out there you ever going to fly fishing guys and girls you ever done the whole a river runs through it thing i grew up fishing my whole life i love fishing okay um i'm a catch and release guy unless it's a really nice like walleye or maybe a trout but most fish I just catch and I let go

every now and then I'll eat one but my argument for fishing versus hunting is that fish lay hundreds of thousands of eggs and fish make the choice to bite on your lure as opposed to hunting where you're sneaking up on an animal that's an intricate part of the ecosystem and it often only has one

one or two cubs or calves, and you just kind of blown it away for the sake of what? You know, it's not like you can do catch and release hunting, right? You put a rifle shot through the side of a moose's temple, and you go, I got him, man. I begged a moose. Yeah, but we got to release him. Okay, let's get him over to St. Mary's Hospital, and, you know, let's dress that wound, get them all patched up, and, you know, he should be good to go back. out into the wild in the spring and uh maybe he'll get bigger and we'll hunt him again yeah you can throw

it back you go back to your buddies i'm gonna get you again next year yeah yeah that's right um but anyways fishing is is one thing there's there's all obviously an art there's a skill to fishing whether you want to believe it or not i think you have to have fished enough to understand that that part of fishing. I mean, of course, anyone can throw in a line and get lucky with a bait on a hook. But there's a difference between that and someone who finds a body of water, a lake, or a river, and they know how to work it. They kind of understand where the fish like to sit and the depth that the fish are at and the time of year where the fish might be. And the time of day when the fish are most active in where they might be.

You know, maybe, you know, you want to cast in towards a weed bed to pick up some bass and you want to maybe go out a little deeper for some trout and even work in a river, you know, all the eddies and the currents and the calm spots and there's a whole art to it, believe me. But either way, however you fish, just throwing a line in as a goof on a weekend and you've never fished in your life, great. there's no rules that the joy the thrill of getting a big fish on your line even small ones can put up a fight is great but uh when you learn how to work your environment to go fishing it can be even more fun and maybe even more

frustrating because suddenly you're a guy who's like well i know everything about fish and uh i know to go right over there and i look at the sun and i've got the perfect rappel on my line and uh blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and why the hell aren't I catching anything? And then you see some fat kid eating a salami sandwich sitting on his dock with his crocs on, his pink crocs and a salami sandwich and a Zebko fishing line in his hand. And he's half asleep. There's mustard drooling down his fat, freckly chin.

Suddenly like a seven-pound muscalongot. is Kmart fishing rod and you're standing out there with all your gear on and your bass boat and your fish finder and your special lure oils and so whatever but here's where I'm going with this all right there's another type of fishing which is fly fishing okay which takes it into a whole other level and I spend most of my life just doing the regular fishing. A few years ago I got turned on to the fly fishing. And man, what a dream that is. It's like, if I can make an analogy, it's like going to a nightclub and watching a bunch of people just bounce around and go crazy for regular fishing, okay? But for fly fishing, it would be like

going to a nice choreographed, beautiful ballet. Not that I go to ballets, okay? and I don't wear a two-to when I fish. Let's not blur the line here, sportsmen and sports women. But fly fishing is, I don't know, there's just something so different about it. It changes the way the games play to use these little flies, and you have to learn this kind of fluidity in the motion of whipping your fishing rod and making your wrist work and letting out just the right amount. a line and learning how to aim your line and dropping that fly just in the right part of the

river so that the current takes the fly and it dances across the surface and it's uncanny how real these flies look they just you couldn't even tell the difference it's no wonder these fish get conned into hitting these fake flies because it just looks so real i i almost ate a couple once. I was so taken by the movement of the flies. But there's a quietness, there's a connectiveness,

there's a serenity to fly fishing that, you know, is even a notch higher than what you get when you're regular fishing. There's a beauty to being right in the current if you're fly fishing in a river, feeling the current and the

water around your body, the coldness of the river, kind of penetrating through your hip waders. And to be right there in the environment that the fisher ends standing, in their homes, basically. Or even if you're in a riverboat and you're right there over top of them, it's, it's, uh, sorry, swine flu. um it's it's a little bit magical so without droning on about it too long you're probably fishing for another podcast right now you're like all right dude we get it what are you describing fishing or heaven god the way you make it sound i just want to shoot myself or walk into a ceiling fan or something and get my ass to heaven the way you're building this whole fly fishing thing up

What are you? Do you have angels there to tie your flies for you? No, but I'm just saying if you want to try something new in life and you like fishing, you like nature, you like being out there connecting with the elements, get your ass to a beautiful, quiet part of the world and get a guide if you don't know how to do it and go fly fishing. You'll be hooked, no pun intended, but you will be hooked immediately. beautiful and it's not like regular fishing where guys are out there having beers and you know yucking it up and loud motor boats and hey look what i caught yeah well look what i caught my wife you know it's it's gentler it's quieter it's peaceful it's it's fun so leave the beers at home

leave the party at home and get out there man get out there and fly fish because a river runs right through the Harland Highway This is Eddie He wants to party But they just hang up Intermediate

Hey man, what's up? Hello Hey man, you want to go grab a couple of beers or what? Who is this? It's Eddie Oh, you have the wrong number A couple of frosty Budwisers uh, you know, just chill out.

Oh, you have the wrong number. What's up? Hello? Who is this? It's Eddie. A couple of cold Budwises will just chill out, get caught up, man. Wrong number. Maybe pour back a couple of Miller GDs.

What the heck? that was eddie he wants to party but they just hang up harland williams yes it is i harland williams i wish i could do that guy's voice man harland williams i can't even come close but you know what speaking of voices i dig my voice today man have you noticed my voice is and this isn't really for the guys okay guys this is mostly for the girls and even all right for the guys for the guys but don't think of it in a sexual way just think of it as oh yeah his voice right okay but my point is my voice i'm liking my voice today if i'm if i'm allowed to be so uh self-absorbed for a second here i know i sound like some kind of new uh tv washcloth when i say self-absorbed

picture myself laying on the ground and sucking up grape juice but my voice is a little bit lower today It's a little deeper. It's a little gravellier. It's a nice word, gravellier. Sounds like a new type of disposable razor. The new shick gravelier. But here's why. A lot of the times I feel like my voice gets a bit too high.

You know, I'm like, hi, this is Harlan William, you know. But here's what happened. And this, I kind of liked this. Last night, one of my buddies, my good friend, guy named Michael Rosenbaum. You might know Michael. I did a little movie with him called sorority boys. And then Michael went on to do, he was in Smallville for like seven years playing Lex Luthor.

Great guy, love Michael. We've been friends ever since sorority boys, and he loves to throw birthday parties for himself. And last night he rented some really cool bar in Hollywood. And all the folks showed up, hot ladies and dudes, and Michael, loves the 80s so he was pumping all this 80s music which i love to and then he hired a depesh mode cover band good times right so needless to say i was there to like i don't know two in the morning had to hit the burger king drive through on the way home right so that had me up for another hour eating my whopper with cheese right so there can you hear the leaf blower in the

background my gardener senor fentes is here um but anyways you know up having having some fun partying and i guess you know i woke up and the voice was a little like ragged out because you know when you're trying to talk to people at a party and the music's pumping you're like yeah i'm uh i just um i work at a daycare center and um i'm doing really good and you know people just yelling. By the time they get home, they realize it's like, oh, my God, where was I at an Ario Speedwagon concert? Your voice is kind of shot, but the upside is for you people, you get old sexy voice here for your podcast today, which actually, sadly, is almost over. And I'm kind of glad, because can you hear the leaf blower? Here it comes. Oh, man,

He's going right by the studio, big old leaf blower. I could shut the door, but it's kind of fun. You know, I love the smell of floating grass particles and burnt leaves and insect parts. Probably look at it. There goes a few ants flying past my window. What are the bugs think when the old leaf blower comes? It must be the equivalent to us when we, you know, for those of you that live in the Midwest of the United States,

you see the twister coming over the horizon everybody to the shelter it's a twister except with insects they see like a big Mexican guy walking over the ridge with a with a black and decker leaf blower they know it's the last they're going to see of their family for a few weeks that they're blown a few miles away and have to crawl all the way back oh got to love it love my gardener senor fentes and uh love you guys thanks for joining in we'll catch you next time here on the freshly blown harland highway hey hey hey harlan williams here on the harland highway with you rolling you home and kind of a busy day for yours truly here. I'm kind of looking

for a gardener. You know, trim my hedges, cut my grass, keep my mansion, my giant mansion in tip-top shape, my Neverland ranch type

facility. And so I guess I'm here today interviewing gardeners. And I have with me here a gentleman, you are my name is Senor Fentes, man senor fuentes that's right man senor fuentes i got a leaf blower man you got you got a leaf blower oh yeah man i got a high-powered leaf blower i will blow things for you you oh well i guess i guess

that's something you need right oh hey okay turn that off hey watch it ow ow how do you like it man that's my leaf blower it's really good he's a high-powered you can go you can put it on a of your boat and water ski with it man you can what hey hey turn that off how do you like that man that's pretty good i can blow your chihuahua down the street with that one man you blow my chihuahua down the street oh yeah he's a great leaf blower man i can blow babies i can blow babies up in the air and keep them airborne for a long long time look hey turn that off hey it's in your quintess oh look at that man oh look at I'm blowing your computer up in the air. Look at that.

Oh, that's a floating apple. Whoa. Hey, turn that. Senior Fuentes! Okay, to turn it off, please. Just leave it off. Please. Sorry, man.

I just get excited about blowing leaves and stuff around. Hey, hey, hey. I said to turn it off. Sorry. Turn it off. Sorry, man. I just love my leaf blower, man. Stop it.

Turn it off. I sleep with it at night. It keeps me warm. Hey, I'm kidding. All right, get them out of here. I'm sorry. I will be good. I will be your faithful gardener and be a leaf blower.

Signor, Okay, I'll call you, okay? Okay, you can just call my leaf floor. He will answer. Get him out. oh boy i think i'll just uh buy a rake here on the harland highway i also do enemas Thank you.