The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW #7

Episode Date: April 11, 2013

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Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You may go see important. You are important. My name is Donkey Tina, and I'm going to kill you. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Hello, everybody. It's Harlan Williams.

and you have just tuned in to the Harland Highway podcast. The sexiest place on planet Earth next to Angelina Jolie. And I was going to get a little graphic, but I won't. Let's just leave it right there. Okay, next to Andrew Jolie's cleavage. I couldn't leave you hanging. I needed you to know where my mind was at. but isn't everybody's mind at Angelina Jolie's cleavage, man and women, children, everybody, come on.

That woman has scary good looks. And isn't that a weird saying? I mean, isn't that kind of a back-ended backdoor compliment? Oh, you got scary good looks. Now, you could take that as a real high compliment. or if you go back to the origins of that saying, it probably means some guy was trying to compliment a real beast somewhere back in the day.

Like some giant donut eating, licorice whip sucking, spandex pant from Kmart wearing, cellulite welts the size of grapefruit sitting, creature from the Black Lagoon. Some guy kind of probably got in a corner somehow is his, you know, some guy was probably with his friend

and he brought his giant girlfriend and the friend was like, Hey, Paul, don't you think my chick's really hot? Well, you think she's good looking? And the guy couldn't really lie, but you didn't want to offend. So he was like, uh, oh yeah she got scary good looks yeah and then somehow that's settled in as a compliment but i don't know

you throw scary in there i guess it's all in the interpretation right but the target of being scared i am scared of watching tv that's one of my big fears everybody has their fears some people are scared of spiders some people are scared of snake some people are scared of richard simmons well i i think we should all be scared of richard simmons a full grown man with curly hair covered in oil tight pink shorts and jumping up and down yeah i'm i'm scared of that but tv is a new one for me i used to love watching TV. It was fun. It was pleasurable. I'd watch my shows, the $6 million man, the golden girls, the incredible Hulk, Scooby-Doo. And in between the segments of the show come the overflow of commercials that we all hate. But it wasn't that long ago that the

commercials were kind of innocent, right? Oh, Wonderbread, oh Wonderbread. Oh, Wonderbread. You can make a sandwich with wonder bread. Pop, pop, fizz, fizz. Oh, what a relief it is. Where's the beef? You know, just bud wiser. You know, fun commercials, they're usually laced with comedy to try and hook us.

And as annoying as they were, we could tolerate them. But, man, commercials nowadays, I'm not kidding. I'd say 60 to 70% of, all commercials, at least where I live, are morbid and fear-driven, and they're commercials the likes of what we've never seen in the last, like I said, up until about maybe six, seven years ago, maybe less, maybe in the last four, five years. But suddenly the pharmaceutical companies decided, wait a minute, we can advertise here, too. We can make a little mule off.

We do a splashy commercial with people acting fake and, you know, looking like they're dying. I mean, the commercials nowadays are for Alzheimer's. They're for restless leg syndrome. They're for sleep deprivation. They're for erections. they're for blood pressure there for arthritis

there for cancer therefore it's just incredible it's just for heart disease they're for leukeia it's just everybody gets symptoms okay everybody lives and dies

and we all get sick and it's sad but I don't know I almost feel like these these commercials are putting these, sorry, these companies are putting these commercials up almost to psychologically implant the notion in our brains that maybe we need these pills. When you have vague commercials like, do you ever get depressed?

Do you ever feel down or lonely? Perhaps you need Paxil or Zoloft or OxyContin or muscox oil I mean they're asking us if we feel symptoms that every normal human being feels don't we all get a little lonely sometimes a little depressed a little sad feel a little isolated

a little overwhelmed by the magnitude of this crazy world we live and of course we do that's being human but these people are almost making it sound in their commercials like ooh there's something wrong with you what You have these symptoms? Freak! Burn the freak!

Lynch the freak! Ah, monster! Monster! And if they don't make you feel like a freak, then they make it feel kind of flipping like, oh, we can take care of that. What, you got a little loneliness, little depression? Oh, you don't need that. Who needs that?

That's not... Who has time for that? Here, take all these pills. That'll get rid of that. It's like, come on, man. No, life is full of highs and lows. And unless you're chronically depressed, like suicidal or you can't even, you know, walk out your front door, get out of bed every morning, you're just normal. If your symptoms are exceed that, then yeah, maybe you do need a little magic pill.

But quit disguising your little agenda here. Your agenda is to sell as many pills as you can to normal people with regular symptoms. Don't trick people into thinking they need help when they don't. And yeah, a lot of children are hyper. They don't need Zoloft and Zolog and these guys sound like emperors of different distance planets. I am Emperor Zoloft and I command you to not be depressed. I am Emperor Paxil, and I command you to not be depressed and not have sleepiness. And I am planet, Senator, I'm so goofed up on pills.

I don't know who I'm in charge of, but I demand that you smile. Oh, man. And you know what, I can't even talk about this anymore, because it's almost depressing me. I almost need a pill to continue the show. I think we need a laugh here. I think, you know what the common cure for depression is? Laughter. And that's what I'm trying to provide here.

This is your pill. The Harlan Highway is your pill. You can take it orally or you can stick it up the other way. Whatever makes you laugh the most. So I'm going to inject some comedy in here right now because this is getting a little deep. but when I come back from a little comedy break what I want to do is talk about the side effects of these pills which is even scarier

than how depressing they've made it to watch TV I can barely watch TV anymore thank God for TiVo I can scam through these these horrible depressing commercials but I'll touch more on that when we come back right now I want you to stick this comedy bit somewhere orally and have a laugh. And we'll be right back with me, Harlan Williams, here on the very

uplifting Harland Highway. Good afternoon, everybody, and welcome to the Harland Highway. What a treat, what a treat, what a treat. And speaking of treats, I don't know if this is a treat or not, but it looks like they're releasing Dr. Kavorti. from jail, Dr. Death. You know, the guy who was in the news, limelight for the last two decades, three decades,

the assisted suicide guy, you know, it's a funny term, isn't it, assisted suicide, you know? He comes into your home and you lay in the bed and he gently puts a needle in your arm and you drift off into the great beyond. that's not my vision of suicide, you know? I picture Kovorkian like sneaking around on a bridge, right? And he waits till some guy who's down on his luck gets up on the ledge and he's like,

should I jump? Should I jump? And Kovorky and pops out of no one and goes, yeah, you should jump, boink. He pushes him over. Ah! I wasn't going to jump. I was just thinking about it. Yeah, well, I was assisting your suicide, so there you go. It's done.

Don't worry about it. No charge. Dr. Death. This guy was in jail, man. Shouldn't he have been on death row? Isn't that appropriate? Dr. Death should have been on death row. I think he should have been the first inmate in history to be able to throw the

switch on his own electric chair. Could you just see the guards coming in? Getting ready to throw the switch on his electric chair? Any final words, Dr. Kovorkin? Yeah, would you mind if I threw the switch? I'm really good at this. I kill people all the time. Might as well do myself.

Right? Would you mind let me do the lethal injection to myself? It'd be a really fun way for me to go out. I just love this stuff. Yeah, okay, Dr. Death. Weird occupation, man, going around killing people. I wonder if he secretly got off on it. You know, put the needle in, you're like, oh, yeah, die.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you little monkey. Die, little monkey. Yeah, yeah, there you go. There you go, close your eyes, close your eyes. Die, little monkey, die. Oh, was it good for you? Because it was good for me. Say something.

Was it good for you? Hello? Oh, yeah, you're dead. Sorry, that'll be $325 plus packaging and internet fees. Hello. Hello. Whatever. How about assisted living?

Huh? I want a guy that's the opposite of Kavorkin to help me live to 100. So I can keep on rolling down the Harland Highway. Hey-oh! Ah, yes, assisted living. life is hard man life is hard sometimes we need a little crutch

I'd like to use Dr. Phil I'd like to clone Dr. Phil and use him as crutches yeah I'd like to put his bald head under my armpit one on each side with my clone Dr. Phil's

and just hobble along the sidewalk of life with Dr. Phil under each armpit just his bald head squishing in my B.O. juice. And then every time I needed some kind of psychological assistance, he'd be right there, supporting me, physically and mentally, as I walked along on my Dr. Phil crutches. I don't know what I'm talking about.

But what I do know what I'm talking about, even though that sounded really illiterate, but what I do know what I'm talking about, oh, sometimes my words get ahead of me, don't they? That's fun when your words just roll out of your mouth before you're ready for them. It's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, get back in there, man. You can't come out of my mouth.

I formulated you and I thought of you, You weren't supposed to be ejected from my esophagus and my throat yet. You got to get in line words. Don't come in. See, I just did it. Don't come out out of order. Come out in a orderly single file fashion so that you create comprehensible sentences. But we all get a little ahead of ourselves sometimes.

So let me get back to my point. talking about pills and the other terrifying thing about these pills and it really makes me wonder how stupid people are for starters there's another half to this this comment but first of all a lot of these pills it's like do you have arthritis well take this pill plachungo take this and relieve your arthritis no more pain cytoflex Side effects include burning, anal cavity, bleeding eye sockets, fingernails popping off, inward erections, and your toes will spin around backwards, and you'll have crab feet, and you'll lose all your hair. Your arthritis will be gone.

Right? Do you know what I'm talking about? These horrible commercials where they have a pill that apparently offers relief from one symptom. only to endow you with 12 new symptoms that sound a hell of a lot worse to me? What the hell is that kind of trade-off? That's like going to a bank and saying, yes, I'd like to deposit $10,000. And they're like, oh, okay, well, that'll be $40,000, please. Oh, wait a minute, but I'm depositing $10,000, and you're charging you.

me an extra $30,000 for the 10? And you're like, oh, yeah, but think of it. Your 10's going to be right here at this beautiful bank with the marble counters and the beautiful tellers. Ding, hello. And the shiny steel safe. Oh, well, now that you've sold it to me that way, how much is it? It's $50,000.

Oh, I thought you said $30. Yeah, we just upped it because you're such a dumbass and it looks like you're. you're falling for it so we thought we'd take advantage of you even more and now it's 75 oh okay here here's my 10 and i guess i'll just sign over my life savings and my children of my house and you'll take care of the 10 right oh yeah don't worry you'll be dead soon don't what nothing i thought i heard you say i'll be dead soon no no we hope you'll be dead soon oh that's much better thank you you're very welcome that'll be a hundred thousand dollars wait i thought you know it just keeps going and gone man so i don't get it i don't get the whole you take a pill for one

symptom and you get a whole cavalcade of new ones it's not worth it man and here's the next part of this it's like wait a minute are they rushing the research on these pills i mean honest to god you know When I was a kid, you know, you got a headache. You took a Bayer aspirin and hopefully the headache goes away. But there was kind of this unwritten kind of relationship between you and the pharmaceutical company that, you know what, I take an aspirin and somehow the scientists have spent decades and centuries refining this medicine. and somehow we know that the meducinal effects of this medicine go right to a specific part of my body, of my anatomy. The aspirin gets dissolved in my bloodstream, and somehow they put in the time and the effort in the research to know that the aspirin will go through my bloodstream up into my brain and numb my headache.

I never heard of any side effects There's even Bayer Aspen for children, right? There was no, this Bayer Aspirin will cure your headache But you'll probably wake up with leukemia, leprosy And your legs will be gone So what kind of research are the people doing today Where these damn medicines, they don't seem to have a handle on them? There shouldn't be any side effects.

You know what? If there's all these side effects where your anal cavity is bleeding and your fingers are turning into lobster claws, I think we need a little more research in the old laboratory there, Paxil or whoever you are. I think maybe, yeah, put in a couple more years. Let's make sure the laboratory rats aren't blowing up after taking your pill. okay to think you can hang on for a few more years you're going to get your money eventually i don't know something just seems criminal about it and really shady and underhanded

and what's really sickening to me is it feels like there's a complete lack of caring for humans and look i'm not going to knock these people all the way i get it I understand that they are trying to create a pill to help. Okay, let's not deny them that at least. They are trying to create a pill that helps. And for, you know, all intensive purposes, it sounds like it does help to a degree. But at what cost?

At what cost to your body is that pill helping? All I'm saying is we appreciate the research. We appreciate the help. We appreciate what you're trying to do, but refine your product so that it does what it's supposed to do without destroying the rest of us internally. And knock off the manipulation, the manipulative commercials, where people are smiling and people are crying

and people are looking like they're living everyday lives and they're just something evil about them. Okay, there, that's my rant. I've got to go take a pill and calm down. I've got to get on something. Obviously, it's clear to me. I'm too opinionated and hyperactive and passionate and I really need, maybe I need four or five pills.

I'm going to go get a pill and come right back and hopefully I'll be all calmed down and be cured. And I certainly hope my bottom isn't bleeding. So let me go get my pill. and I'll be right back with you here on the Harland Highway. Hey, hey, Hey, Harlan Williams here with you

on the Harlan Highway. All of me. In fact, I've learned that there might be too much of me. And I hate to say, if folks, there may be too much of you. Did you know that the human body has extra bones and muscles

or don't use? check this out extrinsic ear muscles okay a trio of muscles that made it possible for us to move our ears independently just like rabbits and dogs do we still have them

that's why most people can learn how to wiggle their ears all you hunters got to be happy about that out in the woods imagine you could independently wiggle your ears all around listen for moose what's that Bill? I think it's a moose. Oh, it's my granddaughter. Looks like she's off the diet again. Hello. We got wisdom teeth. And we got those because early humans had to chew a lot of plants

to get calories to survive, but we don't need them anymore, except for the vegetarians. And how hard is it to chew through a KFC coalslaw? I don't think that's very hard, unless someone's out there eating bamboo with Lingling the Panda. a set of ribs possibly left over from the age of reptiles still appear in less than 1% of the population. They can often cause nerve and artery problems. Now, how do you know if you've got the extra neck rib? Well, apparently, if you have a craving for flies

and you like to sit on a lily pad when the sun comes up and you like to croak in the middle of the night, okay? you're a reptile baby how about a third eyelid man we have a little tiny fold in the inner corner of our eye that's part of an old third eyelid

you want some protective goggles there uh jim no just use the old third eyelid thanks anyhow what else do we got here man crazy stuff erector pely what the hell's the erector pylid tell me we got an extra penis.

What is a rector pylite? bundles of smooth muscle fibers allow animals to puff up their fur for insulation and to intimidate others. Humans retain this ability. Goose bumps are the indicator, but

obviously have lost most of the fur. Well, I got to say there's still a few people out there that can probably get their old erector pely up there. Kenny G. Grizzly Adams. I got a crazy Armenian neighbor who's crawling with hair. And last of all, the coxas. Yeah, it's not what it sounds like. It's the little thing, your tailbone, right at the back

of your butt. It's the last remnants of a tail. So if you want to wag your tail, you're just going have to shake your butt because no one can see your tail. It's too small unless you're working an x-ray laboratory and then I guess you're in. So there you go. There's your extras right there. Extra, extra. Read all about it. A lot of us humans are extra. But you're not. You're always important. We want all of you here on the Harland Highway. Okay, okay. Well, today's show was a little intense um you know can't believe it's almost over already but um you know this was a topic that that um had to be talked about the whole world of pharmaceuticals and pills and god forbid you have any ailments but just be careful with what you take ask a lot of questions and i don't know just

Try and be healthy and don't get duped by anybody. That's all I'm saying. There are alternative medicines. There are other ways of healing. I'm not a doctor. Although, you know what? It's what I tell people at night when I go out. You know, I'm not between me and you, I'm not really a doctor.

But, you know, if I'm out at a bar and there's a beautiful lady there that's kind of looking at me, you know, I'm not an idiot. I walk right up and go, hello, I'm Dr. Harland Williams. I'm a surgeon, orthopedic surgeon at Cedar Sinai's. I also do heart surgery and corrective verbal bypass coronary artery healings. Yes, Dr. Harlan Williams. I would give you my card, but I don't have it, but let me get your cell number. How about that?

I'll call you when I'm not on one of my shoes. shifts. No, I don't do that, believe me. But there are weasels that do that. Um, so I'm not a doctor. I'm not a dentist. I'm not a gynecologist. Although there's women out there that might argue the point. Okay, that's just getting dirty. Let's not go down dirty street. But why? We want you to come down dirty street. We're all here waiting for you. Yes, come down dirty street, Dr. Holland. No, I'm not. We want you so. No. We want you to talk about breasts and sexual activities and dirty, dirty things, the nasty things that people do.

Yes, please come and join us. No. Loser? Virgin. Okay, see? The minute I don't get dirty, people get all mad. But I'm not a doctor. I'm not a dentist.

I'm not an orthopedist. I don't even know if that's a word. I think that might be a dinosaur from the Jurassic area. The Jurassic area. The Jurassic era. There's an area on planet Earth that's still Jurassic. The Jurassic era or the Paleozoic era or something like that. I'm not a dinosaur.

Stop it. Well, you said you're not a dinosaur, but I know that you are. No, I'm not. Stop it. You can't fool me, my friend. I know what you are. Oh, yeah, what? A paleothorist.

I told you that doesn't exist. Yes, but it does between me and you, right? Let's go and kill a dodo bird. Stop it. Okay, you can hide me in your mind, but I'm always here. No, you're not. Then who are you talking to? I'm talking to...

Go away. Okay, this is... is getting weird. And speaking of going away, it's time to go away. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining me on the funnest highway in the world. The only highway that's built on comedy, I think. You be the judge. I don't want to be presumptuous. Look at that road sign up there. Presumptuous. Welcome to the town of presumptuous. Population Harland. Okay, I won't do that. to you. You be the judge

if it's funny or not. But I'm sure glad you're here listening. It's good to have you along for the ride. We'll talk to you next time. Right here on the Harland Highway. Go away. Put your seatbelt on, man.

Stop telling me what to do. You were riding down the Harlan Highway. blood.