The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW #8

Episode Date: May 13, 2013

As requested by the Pavement Pounders, an early show that never made it into the archives. Enjoy this Highway flashback! Scrapped maps!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You may go still important. You are important. My name is Donkey Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. And welcome to another stretch of highway, the Harland Highway, that is, the funniest stretch of road across the planet, passing by your town, your city, your village, your shack, your love shack. And it is a pleasure to have you here. Thank you for coming on board. Do you remember, um, do you remember, 1984? Remember George Orwell and Big Brother? Sex crimes. Sis, sis, sis, sex crimes. Remember?

Big Brother is watching you. Remember everyone was scared that the 80s were the future and Big Brother was everywhere? And then we went into the 90s and Big Brother, where's Big Brother? And then we got into the 21st century, and I'm sad to report that Big Brother is finally here, that ever-present person watching your every move, and I think you've seen him. And unfortunately, he's a creepy-looking guy. It kind of looks like a weird, like, homeless pervert accountant or something. You know what I'm talking about?

the guy from the Verizon commercials, right, that nerd with the big buddy holly glasses and the kind of the shady dark windbreaker, like as if he's hiding like a couple of issues, a hustler under there and some K-Y jelly or a vibrator or something. I don't know. He looks creepy to me. Have you ever noticed, like, whenever people turn around, there he is, watching. with like his tribe of people. He's got like 600 people behind them.

It looks like the village people are there. There's a guy on a hard hat and there's people from the country and people with briefcases. It's like invasion of the body snatchers. That guy's creating an army of humanoid. I mean, this guy's disturbing to me. You know? How many of you guys out there have dated a girl on the Verizon? horizon plan i won't do it this is what happened to me one night met a nice girl you know we hit it off

we're dating a little bit and then finally that magical night came along where we had a little whoopey right because that's where it usually goes right to whoopi and i'm i don't mean whoopey goldberg god forbid you're making love and look over on the other pillow and there's whoopi goldberg hi what's happening ah no I'm talking about you're making love to a Verizon girl. You're in the throes of passion. It's all going great. It's erotic.

It's sexy. It's spiritual. It's beautiful. It's whatever you want it to be. And you're just about to hit your mark. You know, that climactic moment, that explosion of passion. You're just about to have that happen. And you hear someone clear their throat or you hear a sniffle of,

or a little sneeze and you look over your shoulder while you're doing the doggy style you look over your shoulder and there in the corner of the bedroom with his glasses and his pompadour and that stupid-ass pervert grin on his face

and his greasy hustler penthouse magazine windbreaker and his creepy brown pants that's the guy from the Verizon ad Just standing there watching you make love And all those freaky friends Are standing outside the window staring in

It's like the zombies from Thriller Shee Shee Yeah So there's your big brother right there That guy's everywhere I mean women Giving birth in a hospital

Put down the video camera And turn it around Because that guy is standing there watching you spread eagle pop out your next little kid creepy so i'd rather have a tin can with some string on it and use that as a phone then have creepy pervert buddy holly junior standing in my lawn like the guy from Halloween just there he is behind the clothes line haven't you heard a neighborhood watch you pervert. Can't someone slap this guy with a peeping Tom summons or a trespassing summons or how about

damn well downright stalker? Hey dude, I signed up for a phone plan, okay? Not for your hippie commune and your pervert grin. Get out of here. I'm shaven. I'm giving myself a Brazilian. I don't need you staring through the shower window. forget can you hear me now about can you see me now can you see me now can you see yeah i see

you've been following me all day go away you and your 80 creepy friends so there you go your 1984 happened about two years ago when this guy emerged on the scene so it was more like 2008 so george arwell was off by 20 years but He's here, and we've changed it from Big Brother to Big Pervert. 2008, Big Pervert is watching you. Can you see me now? How about now? How about now?

I'm standing right on the end of your bed. How about now? I'm sitting on your chest. How about now I'm sitting on your throat? How about now I'm sitting on your face? What the hell? I've got to get a new phone plan. You're listening to Harlan Williams here

On the Harland Highway Why are phone numbers so long? Huh? Here on the Harland Highway? It's the burning question of the day. Why are phone numbers so long? It's going to be nice if our phone numbers were just one digit. Hey man, can I get your number?

Sure. Seven. Cool, man. I'm nine. Cool. I'll call you, man. Right on. Might get my number changed. I might go to eight. Cool, man. I'm seven. We'll see you later, eight. That'd be so much easy. You'd never forget phone numbers, right? Hey, man, uh, you got, you got, can I get your phone number? Oh, I don't have a pen, man. Oh, Wait a minute. Three? Yeah, I can remember that. You're, okay, three. I mean, come on.

It could save lives, too, you know? How about that incident where you want to phone somebody? Or you're that guy lost in the wilderness. Trapped on the edge of a mountain. Rock climbing accident. Your battery's about to die on your cell phone. You got room for one, one digit. Four.

Help me, Dad. About to die. E. Battery dies. But you're going to live because you just had to dial that one digit. Yeah, I'm full of good ideas. Why don't you call me and tell me how great my ideas are, people? You know my number.

Four? Give me a call at four. Let's chit-chat. Here on the Harland Highway. So I was driving home the other day, and, well, not the other day, today. Let's be honest here, Harland. Yeah, let's be honest. Okay, it was today.

Thank you. Was that so hard? No, it wasn't. Okay, just be honest, bastard. Okay, you don't have to call me names. Well, you're a liar. I'm not a liar. I corrected myself. Lyer. Okay.

I was driving home today, and I just happened to be channel surfing or dial surfing on my car radio. And I caught an interesting conversation on one of these religious radio stations. I don't know which one it was, but they were talking about the feasibility of dinosaurs existing and being mentioned in the Bible. I guess there's many, many references in the Bible to a behemoth and to a dragon and some other Hebrew words and Latin words and crazy words. I don't even know what they're called, where they originate from. But I thought it was an interesting conversation, and we've had these mythological beasts, the fire-breathing dragon

kind of embedded in our history, our early history and certainly you know, history back in the 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th centuries. Apparently there's old cave drawings that date way back, probably before Joan Rivers that depict

dinosaurs that are very in sync with the images of dinosaurs we have nowadays. There's images of fire-breathing serpents. And one of the people on the show, I should probably just have recorded the show because now I'm like doing their show on my show. But I thought it was interesting, and I wanted to share it with you.

And somehow I'm turning into Christopher Walken because I'm getting so upset. I'm spinning off. and talking like him, or at least I think I'm sounding like Christopher Walken, but I'm probably not even close. But here's the point they raised, which I thought was cool. It was something that I'd never considered before, okay? The concept of a fire-breathing dragon is absurd to all of us.

Of course, there was no fire-breathing dragons. But then these guys made the point. They said, well, take the firefly, okay? Take the firefly that illuminates at night and floats through the sky, and it's clearly a creature that has the ability to light up. It has luminous properties, which is also the name of my new real estate company. I'm going to give it a little plug. Hi, welcome to luminous properties. Are you looking for a little getaway on the beach of Florida?

Call us. I'm Daryl at Luminous Properties. okay i spun off into nowhere there and i apologize but if you do need a little uh tropical getaway call me um i'm a you know my number four um but what they were saying about um fireflies is that think about it what if fireflies went extinct a thousand years ago okay and you try to describe one to somebody now and say okay right there's these flies and they actually light up and they float around in the sky at night

and they look like little floating stars and no they actually light right up like little light bulbs and you'd be like yeah well that's probably just a scientific interpretation they probably didn't light up things don't light up I mean you know what were they what were these flies 30 watts

you know but since we do have fireflies look at it they light up and we have squid that live under the sea that their whole outer skin lights up and creates patterns i saw special on the nature channel the other night where they're showing these squid that according to their moods and their feelings and their anxieties that their skin changes color and it it lights up and it changes his colors, and it's fascinating. And then we have other creatures that are capable of, I think there's a beetle that sends out a shockwave.

It causes a little explosion to occur, and then there's bats that send out sonar, and there's electric eels that can send out an electric charge. Excuse me? Who made that? Where was that creature conceived? In the back laboratories of Home Depot? Did Harvey Kilowatt and a lava lamp get together one night

and have some illicit sexual romp and they created an electric eel? So the argument then becomes, hey, maybe, maybe there was a dinosaur, a mythological creature, a dragon. Because how different is a dragon from a dinosaur, really? it's a giant reptilian thing with scaly plates and big yellow eyes

and flaring nostrils but if nature can engineer all these incredible animals and I'm just touching on a few I mean there's probably dozens more that do incredible things but if nature can engineer those creatures is it not feasible to think that possibly

that somewhere along the line there was a creature that evolved some kind of fluid or spit or saliva or something that could generate smoke or flame you know I mean look at all the flammable fluids that exist

in our environment you know gasoline and well gas is a gas but there's other fluids that if you touch flame to them they just just go oil it lights up so what if there was a giant dragon that could spit a flammable fluid and at the same time it could raise its body temperature so high that it ignited the fluid maybe the fluid like passed by a mucus membrane that was extra hot and that was its defense

system i mean look at squid and octopose they squirt ink i mean what's the the hell's that? Ink is a defense system? Who would ever think that an octopus or a squid would shoot office products at us? So if ink is from the world of the bazaar, then fire is surely from the world of the bazaar, but is it not possible? I don't know why I'm getting all fired up about it, no pun intended. But I just found it to be a stimulating conversation, and it was something that I was something that I had never really thought about.

So let me just sum up here and say, for the record, fire-breathing dragons did exist. They're probably the genesis of how the weenie roast and the roasted marshmallow began. Because you knew some poor suckers were, you know, walking around in merry old England, and a fire-breathing dragon came down from the mountain. mountains into the village, and they had just put a weaner on a stick ready to eat, and the dragon appeared, and they had no form of self-defense. So they're like, back, back, you behemoth, back fire devil, and they were prodding it with their wiener sticks. And of course, this dragon was using its only natural defenses, like bursting flames, and next thing you know, these guys

have a nice cooked hot dog on the, okay, I'm getting way off. This is ridiculous. But anyways, I like it when people are open to possibilities. And when you break down the logic, it is possible. Nature manufactures incredible creatures. Nature manufactures unbelievable creatures. Nature manufactured us. And we made it to the moon.

and we have rovers on Mars, and we have satellites that have penetrated our own solar system. Now, do you think there's a bunch of dragons huddled around somewhere going, man, those humans, man, they could never get to another planet. Come on, what? Mars! Satellites? What the hell of you? Come on, man.

Humans. So there you go. It is possible. And I'm rambling on. Do you think it's possible I could shut up for a few minutes? Yeah. You know what? Maybe I'm not the guy.

I'm not the smartest guy in the world. But you know what? Let's, let's, I did an interview with someone who is smarter than me. And I want you to listen to this interview. I actually did an interview with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Schwarzenegger or Nagger Schwarzenegger

I don't know how to say it I almost made it sound like a racist term which I would never want to do but I don't Arnold Schwarzenegger okay there it is I sorted it out would never want to offend anyone by saying a governor's name

but here's a guy who has some answers about breathing and puffing and being a dragon And let's listen to my interview and get off this topic. Here it is, Harlan Williams on the Harlan Highway, talking to the governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold, how you doing, man?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. What's going on? I have no emotions. Oh, okay. Well, I'm sorry to hear that, governor. But outside of you having no emotions, what's a day like for you? Like, for example, what did you do today, sir? I smoked the marijuana.

What? You were smoking what? Smoking the joint. Come on, man. You can't smoke dope. You're the governor of California. You didn't really smoke a joint, right? No, I really smoked it. Damn, you are hardcore there, Terminator. And I also inhaled.

Wow, Player, what's up? And how did that make you feel? You know, of course, afterwards, I said it, I said myself, say, hey. Uh, wow. Are you okay there, uh, Terminator? Can I, uh, get you something? Smoke a marijuana. Okay, governor, I think you've smoked enough dope. Is there anything else you want to do? Throw the football. Have fun. Okay, yeah, let's have fun. How do you want to have fun? Smoker marijuana? Yeah, I know. Smoke a marijuana. And then what?

Buy myself a new car. Okay, that does it. You are just trashed, buddy. what is the reality that you are completely baked and fried off your ass while being on my show that's the reality and you are burnt i could ask you anything man like uh how is your relationship with uh donald duck be at a fantastic relationship all right that's it i'm done you're out of here schwartz nager uh thanks for coming by and uh doing an interview here with me Arland Williams on the Harland Highway. Arnold Schwarzenegger, everybody. Feels great to be a champ. Oh, man, you got to love the Arnold, don't you? Jolly jumper.

Ha! Arnold Schwarzenegger, man. I mean, the guy, that voice, you know, I feel like there should be maybe a clause when you get to America. You have like, and it's a good window. I'm being fair here, okay? A good 20 years, maybe even 25 years,

at that point you should have lost the accent. Whether you're Chinese or Canadian or French, I got to say, I'm from Canada. I know my accent has gone away. It's kind of sad, actually, because, you know, your accent is part of your identity, but I know that my accent is. accent has changed since I lived in the United States of America.

And Arnold, that guy's been here probably longer than me. That guy's been here like 30, 40 years, man. At some point, it's just got to go away. At some point, you've got to think the guy's faking it. And at some point, when the governor of a state can't even say the name of the state, I'm the governor of California. Californians and the Californias. I am in charge of Californias.

I don't even know how he's saying it. The Californias. He's got to be able to at least say that, man. You know, what if he ever makes it to president? I am the president of the United States of America. Come on. You're faking it, buddy. Put it into legislation that all accents have to be cleared up. And again, I'm being fair, within 25 years.

You can't have, like, British people still talking like this after they've been living here for 25 years, right? It's just, it's not possible, is it? It's like you're not around English people. You don't hear anyone else talking like this. So what's your incentive? it's like your mind's going to change. You ever notice

if you have a family member or a friend who goes and lives somewhere else, right? I had a sister that lived in Australia for a long time and she started sounding Australian, like she started talking like this

and she used a lot of the Australian terms. I'm probably doing British again, but I can't do it. But you start to adopt the nuances of the language of the the sound of the voices of the people wherever you go and that should be the same for Arnold when he came to America he should be like talking like a surfer dude now man like didn't he spend like decades down in Venice Beach at the gyms like on the beach like working out with all the dudes man so shouldn't he be like

Hey, man, I'm like Arnold Schwarzenegger, man. Like, I'm like the governor of, like, California did. Shouldn't he be like Arnold Spicoli Schwarzenegger? Uh, Mr. Hand, I'd like to present a bill to the House of Representatives. Um, like, I want to announce, like, Pizza Day. And, um, where am I? Um. oh yeah like we're in california and like i'm the president what oh i'm the governor man

and it's pizza day man so party i'm not going to raise your taxes but i want everyone to raise marijuana in their garages man i mean honest god and speaking of parties oh my god Speaking of parties, I think we better check in on our little buddy, Eddie, who's always looking for a party. You know Eddie, he's always calling around all over the country, all over the world. He just wants someone to have a beer with and have a barbecue with.

Poor Eddie. Let's catch up with Eddie, and don't forget to send me your emails at harloughwilliams.com. Thanks for coming by the show. We'll see you next time. And maybe, who knows, maybe Eddie will be with us. Take it away, Eddie. This is Eddie. He wants to party.

But they just hang up. Hello. Hey, what's up, man? Big your partner. How's it going, man? Who is this? It's Eddie. You want to go grab a couple of beers or what?

Pardon me? You want to go grab a couple of beers, a couple of cold Budwisers or something? What are you talking about? Who is this? It's Eddie, man. Let's go get some beers, have a party, maybe throw on the barbecue, man. I got corn on the cob, ribs. Okay, who is this, please?

It's Eddie, man. Let's have a barbecue. Eddie, who? Eddie from the pet shop, man. Eddie from a pat shop? Not the pat shop, man. chop. You know, woof, woof, meow? Well, you can have it yourself, thank you so much, okay?

No, I want, come on, let's have a Budweiser. Who do you want to speak to? I just want to go have a Budweiser with someone, man. What do you want to speak to? I'll speak to you if I can have a Budweiser. Well, Buddy, I don't know who you are, and I don't know what's your name. I don't know nothing about you, so... Hey, Taddy, I'm just looking for a friend to have a beer with, man.

I don't know. know who you are. It's Eddie. Let's go have a Budweiser, man. It's party time. Right, but I don't know any, Eddie. Thank you so much. Bye-bye. Wait a minute. Could you please stop talking like that? I just want to have a beer. Well, then go get it. But can't you come with me? I'm all alone, man. The bar, wherever you go. Goodbye. What the hell?

We just stop talking to me like that day. You don't even know who I am. I know, but we could be friends. We could have a beer. I mean... No, we cannot. I know. I know. Wow, what the hell? I just want to have a beer. Who the hell you are? I just want to have a beer. It's Eddie. What? Who cares you? Anywhere ever Eddie is.

Can a guy be lonely and want to have a friend to have a cold Budweiser with man? Oh, yeah, for sure. I don't drink beer. What the hell? Don't drink, okay? Goodbye. What the hell? Stop it, okay? I just want to have a drink. Well, then, go get your buddies and go drink.

Can you be my buddy or what? No, no, no. How about a barbecue? I got ribs. Don't drink, okay, goodbye. You like barbecue? No. What do you like?

Nothing, nothing that you have to know about. Oh, man, I'm going to have to drink all alone. Goodbye. What the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Harland Williams.

Thank you.