The Harland Highway - FLASHBACK SHOW #9

Episode Date: June 13, 2013

As requested by the Pavement Pounders, another early show that did not make it into the archives. Still just as good though!!! Yummmy!! ENJOY, BOY! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You may go see important. You are important. My name is Donkey Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. the final frontier these are the voyages of the starship enterprise her five-year mission to boldly go where no man has gone before don't you love it huh the old star track that's the only one in my mind with captain kirk and scotty and spock all the freaks i always loved at the beginning of the show Captain Kirk somehow kept a log book, man. Did you ever notice the log book wasn't Captain's Log? Start 8.43. It was always like this long log number, like they've been in space for 300 years.

Captain's Log. Start 8. 5.729. 3.6, 4, 75. 8. 7, 4, 19, 21, 6, 7, 8, 4, 3, 2, 1, 9, 7, 6, 7, 5, 8, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 14, 23. The cling on that surrounded the ship, and Scotty and Bones cannot seem to, you know, that type of thing, man, he just went on forever. I loved it.

I keep a couple of logs by the fireplace, but who keeps a friggin' log anymore? What they pretty much advanced? They're flying through space on this technological treasure, this huge giant ship, and Kirk still keeping a log? Don't you think the computers would just store everything? Even the computers want them to shut up, man. He's like, Captain's Log. Start 8, 5, 9, 2, 3, 4. Shut up, play.

Captain Kirk, you are annoying me. 7.5.3. Shut up, or I will destroy the ship from within, you greasy freak. At least we know the USS Enterprise is out there somewhere in the future, logging it all down for us, so that some will day we can all be riding on the Harland Space Highway. one oh three five six seven eight nine fourteen thirty two shut up kirk oh i can only hope i can only hope that one day we're gliding around in outer space would you go if you have the chance that's a big question of the day here on the harland highway hello by the way harland williams here with you thanks for

joining us um i'm glad to have you here it's a pleasure to have you on the bridge okay horrible impersonation right out of the gate but what the hell can't say i don't try but my question is would you go into orbit if you had the chance you know you hear about these billionaire space tourists the guys that go up with the russians and i don't know man seven million dollars to sit in a capsule and float around with some Russian guys that probably smell like vodka. You're just kind of bouncing around in a little cubicle,

probably bumping into each other and conking heads and floating around and you can't even talk to anyone. You know, wouldn't you want to communicate with someone up there? Like, oh my God, look out the window. Look at the earth. It just, it makes me feel so small

and it makes me understand what life is all about and we're all just one. We're all just one human race and we're all together and I just realized it right now. You know what I mean? Yeah, I'm floschreig and that gulaklechlechlegin'fag

fart in here, man? Because I just floated through like a green cloud. But I think I would do it, man. If I had the chance, someone said, hey, we got one spot and we're going to the moon. And it's very risky. You could die quite easily. But you will get to bounce around on the moon. You'll be able to walk on the moon.

I would do it, man. I would do it. you know if you got to go out that's how you got to go out you know i want to go out that way like look at our options when we die okay we have options where maybe we have a heart attack we fall we die in our sleep we have a stroke we get a terminal illness that just pecks away at us like a woodpecker Terminal Cancer You know You can get hit by a car

None of it's pretty, man So don't you want to go out With a little bravado With a little flair I know I do I don't want to die in my sleep And everyone's just at the funeral And they're like

Oh, you're such a Such a wonderful guy Yeah, I thought he was a moron Hey, stop it Well, I did Okay, now that you mention it, so did I Yeah, me too Yeah, me too! Over here!

All right At that point I got to come sit up in my coffin And calm everyone down Enough with the abuse, thank you But my point is Don't you want to be remembered We come into life with so much flair We come into life kicking and screaming and covered in blood and covered with embryonic fluid and we're just crying and yelling and we're making a ruckus, man.

It's like, I'm here, man. I'm alive. Welcome to me, player. And then a doctor, a full grown man like slaps you immediately within the first 20 seconds of life. You get backhanded by a guy with a hairy fist, and that's life. That's your entrance gate into life, getting smacked by a guy that weighs 300 pounds more than you. Hey, man, why'd you hit me? I'm only, like, 12 ounces.

You had it coming, kid. Two noises. Shut up. Go clean that blood off. Ass. psh. Ow! But, you know, I want to go out with some flair, man.

So here's what I'm proposing to do when it's my time to come. You know those morons, those retards, those deranged idiots that jump over the wall at the zoo? You've seen them. There was one not too long ago. Some lady in Germany thought, oh, life's too boring. But I bet they're having fun down there on that polar bear cage. whoop Hey guys

Okay it's not as much fun as I thought Are you ever see the footage of that idiot That jumped in with the lions And just sat there Even the lions were bewildered They didn't even mall them right away They're like What the hell

Is wrong with you, dude Did you just jump Are you effing kidding me Did you just jump into our cage? Okay dude seriously what is wrong with you do you not know that we are the king of the beast do you not know we take hippos down and eat them for lunch and you're like a 180 pound guy from scranton ohio what part of lion cage and king of the beast do not understand sir

yeah that's right even the lions were baffled when a human jumped in there they didn't know what to do. They thought, man, these humans are pretty smart. They trapped us. They caught us. They transported us. They built an escape-proof cage for us. These guys are pretty smart.

And wait, what's that? One of them just jumped in here. What a dumbass. But eventually they went at him. They tore him up a little. I think he lived. But there was another guy that jumped in with some grizzly bears. And even they were stunned.

They're like, wait. What? They're just confused when humans act stupid. Maybe that's the key to surviving a bear attack. You know, all these people out in the wilderness in British Columbia, bear comes a lulloping over the mountain, right? These people are like, ah, bear! They take off running.

Instead, why don't you just like start jumping up and down on one foot, saying, duh, I'm a little teapot. Short and stout, tip me in, my tea flows out. One plus one is 12. Twelve times three is 700. The bear's like, yikes. I ain't getting none of that dumb blood in my mouth. So anyways, my point is when I go,

I want to jump over the wall and into the lion cage. I want to be that guy that when people are at my funeral they're talking they're a buzzing like hey man how did Harland Williams die punching a lion in the face

what? Yeah that's right you heard me man jumped in with a bunch of lions a pride of lions and just popped one right in the face and then they like destroyed him but

he went out of big time man he took on the king of the beast man so there you go that's that's how i want to die and then you know what happens once we're dead then it gets even worse it gets even grim grimmer as if dying isn't bad enough then we're reduced to two options we can be burned in an oven and put in a decorative vase from the shopping network high on Joan Rivers You got to buy these new vase These urns

I only got 1,700 These beautiful Joan Rivers Earns left For you to stuff your family into And to put over the fireplace You're going to love them It's only 3,000 left, hurry So you can go in an urn

And your ashes can sit there Like a dirty ash tray Or you can be put in a wooden box And buried 15 feet under the ground, and have worms eat you and bugs and all kinds of unmentionable things. Right? Is that what you want? Well, living in life, would you ever just lay down in a field and go, hmm, I think I'll let the bugs and the worms start eating my flesh. This looks like a good pastor. Get out of the way, cow.

Yeah, I said, get out of the way. Yeah. Yeah, yours too. Then you lay down and let the bugs just start eating you? No, when you get a mosquito on you and it starts sucking your lifeblood, you slap it. You just don't go, oh, yeah, I have some. Yeah, you too. How about you and you and you?

You'd be dead in five minutes if you let all the bugs and parasites eat you. So I don't want that fate, right? I don't want to be burnt. I don't want to be buried. So here's what I want to do. And this is where the animals somehow got one up. on us you ever see a taxidermied animal right you ever go to the museum or you ever go to the sportsman's lodge or you ever go to your grandfather's cottage and there's like a beautiful

caribou head hanging over the fireplace or you you go to the museum and there's a bobcat down on its haunches and a pose like ready to spring on an unsuspecting taxidermied rabbit I mean, look at all the drama, just looking at it. Look at the prowess and the cunning and the majesty of that bobcat in full-on predator mode. So, if we're giving all this glory to the lowly animals, because us humans are at the top of the food chain, right? Why would we want to be buried or burnt when we could be taxidermied? You heard me. I want to be taxidermied.

And I want to be standing in my parents' hallway. So when people come in the door, there's me standing there like a taxidermine polar bear up on his two legs with his claws out and his fangs bared. And it's like, when people walk in the door, they're like, gras. And it's like, oh, who's that? That's our boy. That's our son. What the hell is he doing? Well, he was an accountant for 30 years and used to be on a lawn bowling team.

and there he is in his three-piece suit growling at you. Ah, God. Although he does look kind of handsome. That's right. And look at that suit. Mm-hmm. And is that a real leather briefcase in his hand? You get that right, Jr.

Wow, who's your taxidermist? I want him for when I die. So there you go. It's a little morbid maybe, but think about it. We got to start coming up with better options here on the Harlan Highway. Hi, today is the first day of the rest of your life. Oh, God. You ever read people like that, man, who pull the little sayings on you?

Don't be sad. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. No, today is the first second of the horrible half hour I have to spend sitting next to you on this bus, okay? If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours. If it does... If it does, I'm going to bang the hell out of it.

Hello! Oh, man! Enjoy the mirror. miracle of now. Okay, how about enjoy the miracle of my fist in your face? Punk! And you know the people that always say them always, you know, have a beanie baby collection at home, or they've got little, like, figurines of a little boy in a field

with a bluebird on his shoulder, or something weird. They crocheted some pillow slips, and they got one of those little toilet roll paper covers, you know, the little quilted covers, you put over the extra roll of toilet paper. They got a fuzzy toilet seat. Yeah, you don't sit on the top of the toilet seat, okay? Why do you want to make that all fuzzy? Today is the first day of the rest of your fuzzy sit-down on your fuzzy toilet. You're like sitting on a Muppet, like Elmo?

Why are you sitting on me? Shut up. I'm going to the bathroom, Muppet. Ah! Oh, well, that was the last second of the rest of this bit. It's Harlan Williams. Keep it here for the rest of your life here on the Harland Highway. Yeah, sayings are fun, aren't they?

A lot of weird sayings we come out, come up with. Isn't there a lot of them? A lot of weird ones. Like the family that prays together stays together. Well, what if you've been praying that your wife gets hit by a truck? Right? What if the marriage ain't gone so good? And every night you're like, dear God, please.

Oh, please, just let her get hit by a truck. Oh, please. I can't take it anymore, God. But if you're praying together and you're staying together, doesn't that nullify your prayer that she gets hit by a truck? Maybe you get to sneak off and pray all alone. The people that pray alone get to give the others the bone. Maybe that's a new saying. Pray alone, give your enemies the bone.

Oh, let her get hit by a truck. A big Mack truck with that little hood ornament of that bulldog of the fox. front and out that bulldog goes right down her throat and has puppies oh god with some of the other ones you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink is that really a priority with your horse okay listen here imagine the horse whisperer listen here we're going over to that crack and damn you you're going to drink let's get over there now bend down and drink why aren't you drinking what's the matter with you why aren't you drinking aren't you supposed to be whispering i can't whisper any more because you're not drinking well screw you how about i piss all over you that's like liquid okay that's a fair trade what goes up must come down i don't know are there things that go up but never come back

down I don't know is there I guess maybe that one actually works what goes up must it has no choice it must come down interesting I guess even a rocket ship comes back or a balloon a balloon that floats up eventually bursts and comes back I don't know that maybe that one actually works What's some other ones? Two birds and a fist are better than a crackle and a feather? I don't know. I've obviously run out. But it's interesting.

It's interesting we come up with these little sayings. And speaking of little sayings, it's one of my favorite all-time sayings. I love hearing this saying, May I take your order, please? May I take your order, please? May I take your order, please? Yeah, the drive-thru, man. Oh, I love that saying.

May I take your order, please? That's one thing I love about being on the Harland Highway. At any minute, you can just pull off the highway and go to the drive-thru. May I take your order, please? Hey, here's a new one for you, Harland Highway listeners. For those of you that like to entertain yourselves, give yourself a check. chuckle, make others laugh. Nothing beats the joy of laughter,

the gift of laughter, right? Here's something I tried over the weekend. Give it a try. Go to the drive-thru and order some food, and when you pull up to the window, have your naked butt hanging out the window. Hello! Yeah, that's a lot of fun.

And put the dollar bills in between your butt cheeks. Yeah. That little pimply-faced guy in there is like, he didn't know what to do. And it was even weirder when he tried to give me back my change. I'll tell you that. You're riding home with Harland Williams. That was awkward. I like awkward, though.

Awkward can be fun. Some of your best memories or some of your most vivid memories, maybe not your best, but certainly your most vivid memories, are quite possibly those awkward moments, those awkward times that you were just stymied or you were embarrassed or you're just stopped in your tracks because you didn't know how to react to something or a situation. You didn't have the words or the wherewithal. And you know what I'd like you to do is a little Harland Highway homework?

Send me your emails. Send me an email and, you know, keep it short. Don't get too carried away. I don't need to read a novel. but why don't you write down in a sentence or two one of your most awkward moments in life? I think that'd be fun to read on the air here on the podcast

and hear about some of my listeners and some of their awkward moments. And don't worry about how strange it is. I don't care if you had diarrhea in a hot tub. Well, actually, I do. I really do. I feel for you because that goes beyond awful. awkward. It's almost, you almost need to go to hell for that. But if that happened to you,

write to me. Maybe you were making out with a girl for the first time and you didn't know where to put your tongue and it went up her nose. Or maybe you fell in front of someone or something embarrassing. And don't BS me. I want real, I want real life accounts of your most awkward moments, I think that could be a lot of fun. I will read them on the podcast here. I will certainly comment on them and make you feel even worse, but in a fun way.

Hopefully you can find it within you to laugh at yourself once again or cry once again. You know where to send your emails. Send them to harlandwilliams.com. I will pick them up and I will read them out loud. You can either include your name and where you're from, or you can be totally anonymous. You can just put down the event or the occurrence, and I don't even have to mention your name,

but if you want me to mention your name, just state that you want me to mention your name, that you're comfortable with having your name mentioned. Oh, I'm looking forward to this. I really am because all of us have our awkward moments, man. All of us have these horrible moments burned into our memory banks when the train just went off the tracks and blew up and wiped out your life for a few minutes. And you know your friends and family

and any other witness that was there during that horrible moment. They'll never let you forget it. They still remember. they still remember that awkward moment, just when you think you've buried it. They rub it in your face, and I'm going to rub it in your face, so the whole world can hear about it.

My podcast goes out to the whole planet. So some little clay pot maker in the far reaches of China who has a podcast is going to hear about your horrible misfortune. But the good news is you lived, you survived it, And even now, we can look back and we can see the funny side, right? That's what life's all about.

We look back and we see the funny side. So there you go. That's our show for today. Thanks for dropping by the Harland Highway podcast. Love having you here. I'm having so much fun bringing the show to you folks. And looking forward to your feedback, tell your friends, hook your friends up with the Harland Highway. I spread the word, and we'll talk to you soon on the next Harland Highway.

Hong Kong, tut, teut, beep, beep. Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Their five-year mission to boldly go where no man has gone before to seek out and find. Strange new... Excuse me. To find new civilization. Excuse me.

To boldly go. When no man has gone before. Excuse me, Kirk. Yes. What are you doing in my studio? I've got to reach the Romulan planet to drop the pizza card. No, stop. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

This is the Harland Highway. This. Is the Starship Enterprise? No, it's not the Starship Enterprise. I know you've snuck in here before and tried to take... I am the captain of the Starship Enterprises five-year mission to boldly... Shut up! Don't tell me to shut up.

I am the captain, a Starfleet commander. I will not be silenced. Look, you're not in outer space. You're not on a spaceship. Okay, Kirk, once again, you've snuck into my booth here. You're on my microphone. I don't want you in here playing space. Spock, Scotty, we must remove this person from the bridge immediately.

Call security. You're not on the bridge. This is my ship, and we're on the bridge of the USS Enterprise. You will speak respectfully when you're in the presence of my company. All right, get out of here, Kirk. I must beam down to the Romulan planet. Shut up with that stuff. Scotty, Spock, Bones.

We must call security. Shut up. Scotty and Spock and Bones are not here. Now, get out of here. Can I just call the Clingon ship before I go? No, you can't call the Clingon ship. Get out. Can I call Scotty to check on the Lithium?

No. Out. Perhaps Mr. Williams Sulu may be of assistance to you. Out. God. Do you believe that guy? I don't want him in here again, Raj. Now my microphone smells like T.J. Hooker or something. Or some kind of hooker. Ew. All right, just so you know, folks, you're not in outer space. You're right here. safely on terra firma on the harland highway don't let that guy back in here