The Harland Highway - FRANCISCO RAMOS fights me over soup, but schools me on romance, baseball, and sexy voices!

Episode Date: July 21, 2026

WINGMAN is out now on Gumroad, Apple TV and Amazon Prime! GUMROAD- https://thewingman.gumroad.com/l/WINGMANAPPLE TV- https://tv.apple.com/us/movie/wingman/umc.cmc.nfzru25awp5jnendhudhjw9tThis episode is sponsored by Square, and Cashapp! -Download Cash App Today: https://click.cash.app/ui6m/7o7jwwlk #CashAppPod. -Get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at square.com/go/harland #squarepod Please make sure to hyperlink this in the YT/Social/Podcast descriptions Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Francisco Ramos: WEBSITE: https://franciscoeramos.com/ INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/framoscomedy/?hl=en PUNCH-UP: https://punchup.live/franciscoramos #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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August 7 and 8th, I'll be here in California at the Brea Improv. That's August 7 and 8. The Brea Improv, great comedy club. Two shows Friday, two shows Saturday. It's going to be a blast. Get your tickets at Harlandwilliams.com

and have some summer giggles, for God's sake. Brea Improv, August 7th. and eight. We'll see you there. If you're the burrito werewolf, shouldn't you go? Oh, it's going to sleep. And then I have a siesta. A siesta, that's right. Yeah, it's the only werewolf that howls himself to sleep.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway where the lies are wild and the jokes are right. Buckle up, it's time to ride with Harlan Williams as your guy. It's the Harlan. Say that again? I was out of the game for eight years, you know, like out of the wild life game. You know, it's like being in a zoo and now you're like going to go back to the jungle. Are we talking baseball or something else? Softball.

You're out of the game. Yeah, yeah. You're in the softball league. Yes. No, no, no. I was talking about dating. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Which also has first, second and third base and home run. Yeah. And home run. Have you ever had a home run? Yeah. I mean, what's home run is. That's full, like, in the backseat of a Volkswagen Beetle on the edge of a cliff in the summer in Bakersfield. That's a home run.

I mean, like just hammer smith. That's a home run. I thought home run is more like, you know, like in a hotel, like a nice bed. Can be. Can be. It just depends on the field, on the stadium. Yeah, I mean, it's a, let's say a soft home run in a hotel. But if you're perched on the end of a moonlit cliff in Bakersfield overlooking.

the Ming, Lake Ming. Lake Ming. And the sun shining, and you're just hammersmith them. Hammersmith. And you got a Volkswagen Beetle. The yellow ones are nice. Oh, nice. Yeah.

And on the back, there's a bumper sticker said, if this Beatles are rock and don't come or knocking. Yeah. Like, that's a home run. Okay. Yeah. Now, that's true. That's true.

That's, I like that. That's a, that might be a two game homer. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Like, if you're going there because he's just moving, And what's fun is you're teetering. You're right on the edge of that block.

Because that's what makes it exciting. Makes it exciting. Because if you get hammer smithing too hard, that beetle's going to inch. And then you're tumbling, like right when you're having your magical moment, you're tumbling down into Lake Ming. Which would be a nice way to go too, right? Yeah. And Ming's got enough corpses and bodies in it that you're just going to feel at home. A lot of people probably have happened and have fallen there when they were homering.

Yeah. It's full of half virgins. Oh, really? Half virgins. Well, what's happening when you're out by Ming in Bakersfield, Lake Ming? By the way, I don't even know what this is. It's actually a real thing. Is it an Asian?

Like, was it discovered by a Japanese person? I don't know. Okay. That's what's so confusing. It's Bakersfield and someone. Do they have lakes? This Japanese name, Lake Ming. But you got to figure.

When you're doing it in a car. Which you're always, what's the position? You're always, it's a sitting thing, right? I like to bend them over the headrest. Wait, wait, hold on. Come on me. Yeah. Can you paint me a picture? Okay, so you got the front seat.

Yeah. And there's that little headrest thing that you can pull up. Uh-huh. So what you... My name is Peter Parker, but I'm also Spider-Man. This July, we're faced with a threat. That can be anyone. The world may have forgotten Peter Parker.

I'm just a neighbor, friendly neighbor. But he hasn't forgotten them. Sometimes Spider-Man has to do the hard thing. That's my responsibility. Talk to Banner? I didn't know you could get that big. Spider-Man, brand new day. In theaters, July 31st.

What you do is you have the headrest down. Fold and down, or take it off. No, you leave it down, and then you bend them over it so their arces in the back seat, and then you pull it up and it presses them against the roof so they're locked in. Wow. Okay. And then you just go to town. But what do you, what do you, where do you go to town in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, you got all their stuff. You're, you're sitting in the back seat. Oh, you're in the back seat. Their head rested against the roof.

I thought you were in the front seat. And the giant cyclops is looking at you right in the eye and you're just, let's go. Okay. The sideways. That's a hammer smith. Hammersmith. Hammer smith or power jacking. Power jacking. Okay. All right. I've never done that. And then if that beetle rolls down. And when I say half virgin is because when you're doing it out there, you're pretty much losing your virginity most likely.

A hundred percent. The boy and the girl, by the way. Yeah, yeah. It's a thing where you go and like that's kind of like a ritual kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, I just thought of this. When a girl loses her virginity, they call it popping her cherry.

Not to be crude. This is just street talk. Yeah, that's street talk from the 50s. Right. Popping the cherry. What is it on a boy? is that called like Papa Peach

or Papa Banana Well it should be Papa peel a banana Peel a banana Oh that's good Yeah Yeah yeah yeah Peel a banana

Papa cherry Yeah A lot of peas in there Peas and bees Peas and bees Peel a banana Papa cherry The more you do it

The more you marry There it is Wait Wow you just You actually just came up With a new It's a new New Street

lingo. New saying, yeah. Now people are going to be like, hey, have you peel your banana? If you peeled your banana? Yeah. And you can say it in front of your parents because they just think you're at the Golden Corral buffet with your girlfriend for dinner. Of course. Did you peel the banana? Did you pop the cherry? And your parents are like, sounds wonderful. Did the dessert come with the main course, kids? Yes, it did, Mom, Paul. Yeah, because you got, hey, Mom, I'm going to go peel a banana. They're like, good. Get your potassium. Yeah, right. And then they don't know that peeling the banana is, you know. Oh, dude.

Okay. So, yeah. So summertime's here. And you're back out on the market. I'm back in the market, yes. And are you dating? Are you having fun? I'm not having fun.

I mean, I'm not dating. I'm not like, but I'm also not looking for it. Let it happen. Let it happen. Let it be organic, you know, like an organic banana. I'm just going to say it won't. be hard for a guy like you too. You think people say that but I, you know, I don't know.

Here's the thing about you. You're already a handsome looking guy. Okay. You're very handsome. People say that. You're in good shape. You're buff. I'm not buff. Well, you're like, look at you. I mean, okay. You're not a fatty. You're not a shape. You're a good shape. You look athletic. I do. Yeah. But here's the extra ingredient. This is why I know you're going to be okay. You're sort of suave. You got some suave. Swave. Yeah, you just, you got kind of that sort of, there's a suave, like a cabana boy, like kind of an exotic, like, I don't know, there's something about you, yeah.

Like, I'd be like, I'm like, hey, do you want a massage? You know, or whatever, yeah. I'd cut right to hey, do you want some intercourse, but if you want to waste your time with a goofy massage, go for it. By way, it was funny. One time I was, when I was single, this girl wrote me, she texted me. And we were going back and forth, kind of like texting, like, you know, like flirting texting. Yeah, yeah.

Sex, sexting, not sexting, but sexy texting. Okay. So she's like, I was like, so we were going. And then I was like, hey, you want to come over for a massage? Dot, that, dot, dot. And then she wrote, yes, dot, dot, dot. So in my mind, I'm going like, oh, she wants to, you know, do it. You know what I mean?

So she, plus, by the way, there was like at midnight or like a, you know, one in the morning. So she comes over. And, you know, and I start giving like the fake massage. I'm like, you know, for like five minutes and then I go for the move. And then she's like, what are you doing? And I'm like, then give me the massage, that, that, that. And she's like, no, no, I just want a full massage.

She wanted an actual massage, like a massage therapist. And I'm like, that's where the dot, dot, dot, dot. Because you didn't think dot, dot, that means sexual innuendo. I thought dot, dot, dot, dot, dot meant she had the measles or chicken pox. Okay, well. Like, that's a lot of dot, dot, dot, dot. I'm waiting for the door. open and she's like got red welts all over her face.

But I also gave my dot, dot, dot. I think that's chicken pox. Well, I mean, I had to basically give a massage. Nothing happened. Oh, no. Yeah, I was like looking at YouTube videos. I don't know. Are you kidding me?

Oh, no. Who comes before a real massage at one in the morning? Yeah. Right? Was she really that naive or, you know what she might have been doing is teasing you? No. Sometimes a girl will know that the implication is full on, hello, Dolly. Yeah.

But maybe they're sort of setting the table to tease you because maybe they're like, you know, I'll do that the second or third date. But if he gets his hands on my tight, oily body the first date, he's definitely coming back again. And I get that. Which is kind of cool in a way. It's like an extended foreplay almost. True, true, true.

I get that. But also, like, I feel like the whole one in the morning thing, it's like, you know, like. Yeah. You know. If it's late, yeah. Like, why are you coming this late? We're not playing checkers. Exactly.

And we weren't playing chess either, you know. You were playing chest. Did you massage the front of her? No, we didn't. Oh, so you didn't play chest? No. Did you play ass? No, nothing.

No, it was. You just did her back? It was just like, yeah, she wanted like a night. She was like, I treat my, like, she had like, I have this pain. I'm like, I'm not a massage therapist. What are you doing? You're not coming over. I'm not getting up at one in the morning for some hot.

scapula. That's what I'm talking about. Like get the panties off. Let's see the roast beef. If I want scapula, I'll go to my what's the, my acupuncturist. Yeah, that's right. Oh, God. Is that what you call it, the roast beef? Like Arby's?

Like a big juicy ars? Yeah, that's the roast beef. Oh, you're talking about the ass. It's a roast beef. Yeah, what were you thinking? I was thinking the front. No, no, not the front. This is, don't think of this. I don't want to be crude, but I've heard women.

refer to that as the taco. Oh, yeah, that's true. The pink taco. The pink taco. And this is women that have used this term. I'm this, this is my terminology. I don't think guys wouldn't use that. No, but I've heard women say it.

Why taco? Because it looks like a, you ever have a taco? Yeah. No, you don't open it. It's already folded. Well, but it starts like that and then you put it. Not the crunchy ones. Oh, you're talking about the, like, the street tacos.

Okay, so I'm talking about, doing it with the senior, like over 70. Oh, that's a crunchy one. Yeah, that's a chalupa. Yeah, yeah. Wow. That's a Nacho Bell Grande right there. That's a Conquistador.

Whoa. That's a Christopher Calambos Three Maria. Yeah. That's a Han Zimmer. That's a Christopher Nolan. Whoa, that's a George Lopez. That's a fluffy. That's a fluffy.

He's such a nice guy. He's so nice. I just hung out with him. He did? Yeah, he's going to come do the podcast, he said. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, he said he wants to come do the podcast, so I'm excited. He's great.

I open for him in one of his, you know, arena shows. It's amazing. First time I performed him 20,000 people, which is amazing. Yeah, he's a monster. No, yeah. It's unbelievable. And such a nice guy. Very nice.

Everybody. Everybody. The whole crew, Martine Moreno, everybody, that's so nice. Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, yeah. Going back to burritos and tacos and things like that. Okay.

You're of the Spanish cuisine. Culture, right? Yes, yes. Where's your origins is? I'm what people call Latino. Latino. Or Latin or Hispanic. Right.

Or, uh, uh, uh, uh, yeah. Yeah. Gorgeous. Or Antonio Banderas. Yeah. What was that last one? Antonio Banderas. No, you went Banderas.

Banderas. You know, because they speak with Spanish, they speak like this. With the tongue? Yeah. Antonio Banderoth. They, they, they pronounce the Fes. They pronounce the Fes. The Fes like this.

It's like you're, you could bite your tongue saying his name. A little bit. Antonio Banderth. Ah. Mm. That's fucking asshole. Wow. Yeah. Hey, gang, do you own your own business? Are you a creator? Are you selling stuff? Well, you might want to think about getting square. Okay? Square works whether you're just starting out or growing from one location or many locations. You can sell online, in store, or both, and customize your setup as your business evolves. It's built to support different kinds of businesses and not force everyone into that sales. old mold. Square helps you run your business more smoothly, bringing payments, operations,

and insights together in one place, so you're ready for whatever's next. Right now, listeners can get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at Square.com slash go slash Harland. That's S-Q-U-A-R-E dot com slash go slash Harland. Get started with Square and build a setup that works the way you do. Square, baby. But yes, I am one of those. Culturally, you probably know your way around a real taco or a burrito. Like, can you fold a burrito?

No. No, like how to do it? No, no, no, no. I don't know how to do it. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay, because I came prepared and I want to show you how honky jive does a burrito. I'm nowhere near Latino or what were the four other ones you said?

Latino. Hispanic. Hispanic. Vandarath. Lopether. I'm nowhere near any. I'm Canadian white boy. Honky.

Honky tonky. But we dabble, as we all do, we dabble in each other's cuisines. Yes, of course. And there's this sort of rumor out there that honky jive don't know how to fold a burrito. Okay. So you're going to... And so I want, if you'll indulge me, I just sort of want to demyithify the whole... Oh, wow.

So I've got... How long has this steak been there? Huh? How long has that plate been there? Well, that's a little nosy. I don't know. I was just... How long has your steak been there?

God! Unbelievable. Okay, I'm just saying. This isn't... Baker's Field. I don't know? I feel like, isn't it?

Don't you have the park outside of a yellow Volkswagen Beetle? So here we have our, our classic little baby burrito. That's, but what is that? That's beef. That's beef. Carnitas?

No, that's, carnitas is pork. Okay. So this is a... How did you not know that? And I did? I thought you were Spanish, Mexican, Latino.

I'm testing. You're testing me. Yeah. Yeah, that's, That's, uh... Carnitas is pork. Yeah. And what's the Latin name for beef?

Carni. Carni. Yeah. So you just took the taz off the end of carnitas? Yeah, because Carnitas are lazy. Because it could be puerco, it could be, for that's actually pork. Pork, pork is pierco. Puercino.

Yeah. Or cochino in other countries. Cochino. So what you do is you put the onions. How do you say onions in? Sebojas. Say bojas. My favorite saint, by the way.

With a little, uh, what is that? Parsley or they, no, what is this? Parsley or boogers. No, that's cilantro. Salantro. Cilantro. Cilantro. Yeah. And then.

By the way, this is not a burrito. This is a taco. Well, it's my show. Okay. I mean, you mentioned that to fold a burrito and do a type. Well, this is like the four, remember how you went over for the massage but didn't get the fuck. Okay. So this is the massage.

And I'm going to present the fuck in a minute, all right? Okay. So what I do is you just, This is how you do it. You pick it up. And this is how Canadian, you fold it like this. And then we do an extra tuck where you fold it around backwards like that. Oh, wow.

Okay. Yeah. And then this is where you can get it. You know, they fold pizzas in New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then you twist it back that way. Oh. And then you fold the bottom around like that.

Is that the Canadian fold? This is the Canadian. And then one final twist. And then a twist. Do we do a twist at the end? Oh, you got to do the twist. And you're good to go. Great.

I mean, Canadian honky burrito. That's a honky burrito fold. Yeah. Nice. I like it. I mean, because you're like, it's good for a diet because you don't eat anything. Well, now we'll get into, because I know you kind of called me out on it, but I've got the, the full, like, burrito shells.

The burrito shells. What's that what they're called? Well, that's a tortilla. Look, it's a tortilla. my show. I did like, go fucking around with your own culture.

That's a big, okay, that's for the burrito. Yeah, this is for the burrito or I call it the full moon. Doesn't that look like the moon?

That's true, that's true. A full moon. Now I gotta do it. That was great. I got to be a burrito, Barreto werewolf. A burrow wolf?

Yeah, I'm gonna make the eyes. Okay. I just, I wasn't gonna do this. You weren't gonna, you have to. It's just kind of happen to me.

It's because of the, the full moon burrito. You have to do it. I got to make the little mouth. Okay. I just thought of this now. Were you doing this in COVID time? No, this just happened right here and now.

Like, I did the thing and it's like, I gotta do that. Wow. I'm a burrito werewolf. Beware the full moon. Well, if you're the burrito werewolf, shouldn't you go? go, right, right, left,

Canadian right. And it's, we call this a baby diaper. Oh, okay, I like that. Feel that, see what you think. That's a good fall right there. You like that? Because nothing comes out here. Yeah.

Yeah, this is, it's kind of like, what is those things that are French? Le Papillon? Le Papillon. No, no, the... Crape. A crepe, yeah. It's a crapefold. Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I like it. Well, yeah, that's interesting. You injected the French flare because Canada is part French. Of course, Quebec, area, the de jurement, oh. Oh, yeah. Parle-you-Franse? Yes, yeah, the parave-vo-franze. Oh, it's good.

It's good. It's like, like, like, like, the tableaux on the... On the table, the bibliotheque. The bibliotheque, it's good. You're just mumbling. You're fucking mumbling guy. To all my French watchers, that was a mumble, and that was on you.

That was against you. But this is nice. I like it. Well, here's the other thing, too. Do you have any fatties in your life? Any fat. Like fat people? Like fat people?

within my whole universe. We're just friends or girls or guys. Yes, of course. They love to eat. They love burritos. So this is another one I came up with. Have you ever made a paper airplane? Yeah.

So I came up with this. You put all your meat and everything in it. And then you fold your burrito like a paper airplane. Yeah. So there you've got the essential fuselage. Now you got to do the wings. Then you make the wings. Yep.

Okay. So now you got a, you got the burrito airplane. And then you pour all your meat and shit in inside there. And then fatty doesn't want to get up. So you just throw it across the room like that. And you just paper airplane or right. You might even get into the mouth.

Oh, yeah, right. You aim. Well, that's the thing. It floats across any room. It gets about a good, a good, well-made burrito airplane gets a good, a good probably. You can get up to 120 feet. A hundred and twenty feet.

I threw a paper airplane burrito across a park once and hit a fatty right in the mouth. Because they hang in the park. Yeah, just and they didn't want to get up off the picnic table. It was in the, oh yeah, in the picnic. I thought it was in the bench, but yeah. The bench too. It doesn't matter where they, I hit one in a canoe once.

Oh, wow. I saw a fatty floating down a river and I was like, hey, you're hungry? And they're like, oh, they had ice cream in their mouth. So I could barely get them. They had ice cream? while they were floating? Maybe they were dying. I mean, it could be that they were choking to death.

I don't know. Ice cream melts. I don't think you're going to choke on ice cream. But if they're in the river, like, floating, were they up, were they face up? Oh, they were in a canoe. Oh, they were in a canoe. No, no, they were in a canoe.

And I don't know if you want to. Because, you know, fatties, they float more. Yeah. Then, you know, that's a good thing about being a fatty. Did you want to make a, yeah. I love to make one. Make one? Like, yeah.

Like, I'll do an paper airplane too. Yeah, try an airplane, man. All right. You're really fun. Okay. You do that. I don't know, sorry. You do the wings.

And then, like that. Yeah. And then there was a fatty floating in a canoe, and I just did a paper airplane. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Yeah. Look at that.

Look at this. Oh, that's a beautiful. That's an F220. This is what Tom Cruise flies. Maverick. Give it a toss into Camera 3. Bertin Camera 3 is a fatty running through a park being chased by a wolf. All right.

The need for speed. The need for feed. Nice. Isn't that nice? That's good. I just thought we could share a bit of culture me and you. That was great. I felt like I feel like we're closer.

Yeah, and I feel like we're exchanging more than just friendship. When you get into your buddy's culture, I feel like you're getting deeper. That's where you start getting to know the person for real because of not just them, but their history. Yeah. You know?

Their culture, they're everything, everything about them. Yeah. Which, by the way, I do have to say that just to be honest, I'm not Mexican. But I mean, I am. You're not. No. I thought you said you were.

No. Wait. But I mean, But I just... Wait, what are you? I'm from Venezuela. So it would have been more than... Venezuela is below Mexico, though.

Yeah. So can we just say you're lower Mexican? I guess. Yeah, we could... No, yeah. Yeah, I guess below... Yeah. I mean, they're not going to get mad at me for saying it.

They're going to get mad at you for saying yes. No, yes. So you're going to have a lot of Venezuelans. So it's just Venezuela. You already said yes, though. No, no. I said it's lower. The geographic is low.

I said, could I call you a lower Mexican? And you said, you said, yes. They're not going to get mad at me for suggesting lower Mexican, but the fact that you went along with it, you're in trouble, guy. I was just trying to be nice. I know. Wait, it's Mexico, Panama, Costa Rica, Venezuela? Yeah, there are more countries within there, but yeah, that's... What are the other ones? What am I missing?

Seoul Central America, like Guatemala, Honduras. There's islands like Puerto Rico and Cuba and Dominican Republic. I missed a lot. Yeah, you jumped right into... And then there's South America, which is Venezuela, Colombia. South America is like Africa, right? It's the big geographical places are countries. It's a continent.

Like Brazil's a country. It's a continent. Oh, yeah. Like Africa is a continent, the dark continent. But South America's a continent. Continent. Yeah. Khan.

Huh? Continent. Continent. Continent. What did I say? No, no, I think that's what you were saying. Continent. Continent.

Continent. If you say it really fast, though... Continent. Cont. Oh, no, it's not Kant. Yeah, no. Yeah. Continent.

Continent. But yeah, continent. Sounds like a nuns. Sister, how's your continent today? It's quiet at the moment. It's been quiet my whole life, sister. He hasn't worked up, sister. So you have a beautiful...

Part of your sexiness, part of the thing that's going to have the women going around the massage and right to the intercourse real soon. Okay. Is your accent? Yeah, I guess people, I mean... Wow. Dynamite.

I guess. I guess people some... Panty dropper. It is. Oh, yeah. But I mean, I do have to say I haven't, you know, not that many... It's not like a girl just hears my accent, just drops her, you know. I think it depends on what you're saying.

Oh, that's true. Like, if you want to try it on me, like, Just tell me how the weather is today with your accent. Okay. The weather is very hot today. Okay. It's very caliente. Very humid.

You need to take your clothes off. You know, it just doesn't work for you. Okay. So now... It's not working. Now watch. Now tell me what you see when you look in my eyes. I see beauty.

I see... peace. I see a great person that just wants to be loved and keep going. And I see just, you know, somebody that just wants to just be themselves. Be myself. Oh, you had me and you lost me. Oh, dude. Whoa, the belt was open. The first button was done. The zipper was halfway down. Be myself. Dude. You know what? You're right. You're going to be massaging for a while. Good Lord. What am I supposed to say?

Sure, that's your problem. All right, all right. With that accent, you could have said, your eyes are like Derry Queen Peanuts sliding down the side of a blizzard. Oh. You make me foam at the mouth with the beautiful effervescence

that drips from your irises deep in the starry night, my senorita. I hear Spanish guitar when you blink. I see chihuahuas fucking behind a denny. every time you look deep into my soul, senorita.

My pants would have been off. I would have been Sprayette Eagle right here, and you could have folded a paper plane burrito and landed it in my airplane hanger. Wow. You missed it, guy. Maybe you should be my Serrano de Gersia. No, thanks.

I'm brizzy. Wait, but can you, this is interesting now, because you're an actor too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And this is going to bring up a lot of questions, but can you do just like a white guy accent with no inflection at all? Like if you told me about the weather again,

could you do it without any hint of an accent? Of course, bro. Tell me about the weather. Bro, well, the weather is really nice today. It's 70 degrees. And I'm just, you know, I'm just ready for some suns and some race, bro. You know how you, you know, dude? What's up, bro?

I'm just an American guy. Okay, so my follow-up question is, what's with the fake accent all the time now? If you can talk like that, what's with the bullshit? I know. Oh, yes, I'm from Venezuela. You know, dude. Is that Pepeleapal?

You just doubted yourself. Okay. You can do a perfect... I can just be talking like this all the time. Wow. Dude, what's with the fake accent? Oh, you know what? My name is Frank now.

Yeah. I'm Frank. and I'm from Bakersfield and I own a VW Volkswagen and we're going to go to Lake Ming Everybody loves Leg Ming, bro.

You forgot the Hammersmithing part. I was trying to remember that. How are we going to go, hey, there's nothing better than go to Lake Main and Hammersmithing in a warm summer night. You know, you get a couple of PBs and some skittles

and then you go for I don't know what's what's another thing from Bakersfield I don't know death math yeah did you get some math math death

then there's nothing better than that bro but see here's I should just talk like this all the time well this is an interesting question yeah

like with the accent not that it's a bad thing I think it's sexy as hell but if you can talk and assimilate with the masses in an English-speaking country, why not just talk like that all the time? So if I go to Canada,

should I just talk, like... Yeah. Like, yeah. Like, why don't you? Like, what are you? Eh? Yeah. Like, seriously, why don't you?

I should just talk. Like, you can do it. Like, I can do it. Right. I should. That's weird, right? But then... It's an interesting question.

I'm not being insulting, but in a way it's weird because just like that you know how to shed the accent but the accent's probably just ingrained in you where you... Yeah, or it's also like

who am I? Mm-hmm. You know, because also I could do the same thing in Spanish. I could go different countries and have a different accent in Spanish. Like what?

Because like if I go to Mexico you can't be like so, man, it's like so bien like Mexican, or if I go to Spain, you can't be able to say like,

oh yeah, we're talking of you. Or if I go to Argentina, hey, what I see? What's it? All right. So it's a different dialect

everywhere you go. Yes. I mean, that's cool. Yeah. You know, like, yeah, other,

you know, same thing in English. Like if you go to Australia or you go to New Zealand, where you go to South Africa. Oh. Or you go to, or different parts of Canada.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, because you're from Toronto. Toronto. And, and you say a boat. About, yeah

Go out in the boat About But if you go to Is it in Vancouver Or is it a What's the one that has another different accent So in In Quebec it's a French-Canadian accent

You have a you know When they talk to English They sort of have the French Canadian accent But then when you go back to English Canada on the East Coast Like Newfoundland or New Brunswick Well those guys out there

By they talk like that They go fishing for squid in the morning and buy. They'll go out, they'll take out in the boat there and they'll fucking jig for squid all morning and long, and if you're lucky, maybe you get a fucking halibut, bye. Like I'm telling you, ever see that movie what was it with Brad Pitt?

The one where he was with the pikees? Oh yeah, snatch. Snatch, yeah. And he did that thing. I forget the name of the people. A pikey. And he just like, I don't understand. Some of the East Coast people in Canada, Their accent is so thick like that.

Sometimes you can't even pick up on it. I love it. It's very authentic and beautiful and unique. All right, I want to talk to you quickly about Cash App. Okay, for all the parents out there with nutty teenagers, we know you're already trying to keep a million different things under control. CashUp is here to help make sure your teens' money and their spending isn't adding to the craziness. If you're ready to give your teen more independence while staying in the loop, start by downloading

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Get your cash app. Is that like the, like the, what is in terms of the U.S.? It's like the Texas or the? No, I'd say it's more like the Cajun people sort of inherited down in Louisiana. Okay. Because you go down into Louisiana there and they kind of got that whole thing. Oh, I'm so glad for you to see me. I guarantee who, boy, you know?

So that was sort of an adaptation, I think French Canada and the East coast kind of mixed in and made this weird southern jambalaya. Jambalaya. Yeah. I love a jambalaya. You do? Oh, I love a good jamb. I love soup.

I'm a soup command. I could eat soup every day, yeah. Eat soup? Or, you know, or slurp soup? It's weird, right? Because do you drink soup or eat it? It depends. Broth is a drink.

Okay. But if it's a stew, you know. That stew's not a soup. That's a thick. No, yeah, it is. A stew? A stew is soup. No.

It's part of the soup family. Are you cereal? Oh, I'm cereal. I mean, like, yeah, like anything that's a soup, it becomes, then you could have a stew, then you have a broth, you can have a... I'm fine and something's giving me pushback on the soup stew thing. No, I mean... Because a stew is like a thicker, girthier thing with chunks of meat, and it's sort of sitting

in its own juices. That's a soup. Everything that has, when you got juice, that's a soup. Juice, not. Then why isn't it called stew soup?

It's just stew. It's like its own category. No, because it's like a zebra's not a horse, although they look a lot of like. Yeah, so it's soup and then stew is like a pyramid. It's like below.

You know, soup is first. So it's a subset of soup. Yes. You're putting it below a soup? Yeah, because it's part of the soup family. The big thing is a soup.

But wait, the stew has so much more going for it. It's so much more robust. The soup's watery. You're putting a lowly soup above a hearty stew? Soup is everything. And then it could be a watery soup, a thick soup like a stew. It could be a black bean soup. Yeah, it's all soup, soup, soup.

It's all soup. What's soup? What's up? What's up? Soup. What's up with you? What's up with you, stew? What's up, stew?

What soup, stew? What's up, soup, stew? soup. Like the soup nuts, you remember, it's all types of soups. Yeah, I don't know. No, yeah. What was the other? Broth is just like watery flavor. That's like Kool-Aid, but with chicken. Yeah, it's good. I drink broth. You drink it. Yeah. That you can drink like a natural, like a tea, like a cup of tea.

But I think we might have to, as you came up with peel the banana. Yeah. I almost feel like there's this middle term between drinking and eating that we don't have. have and slurp is a bit. Is there something? Well, wait a minute. We've got drinking and eating. So is there a word we can make out of dinking?

It can be Duncan because Duncan's already taken. That's already taken. But dinking. Dinking sounds like a like a sex act. Like a sex thing. Yeah. Like you're like dinking. Yeah.

Like you're not like like you're like you're not going in. you're just dinking it. You're dinking. You're kind of knocking on the meat door. Yeah, you're like, can I dink it? Yeah. And you're like, all right, just one. And you know what the saying is?

I dink, therefore I can. Yeah, that's one. But the other one is, what was the one with the tip? Never, like, just let me put the tip inside. What is it going? Let me, at the tip. Oh. Isn't there a saying like that?

Like just the tip Oh, just the tip Tap the tip Just the tip Just the dink Just the dink Yeah just a dink You know like if

I could see like a teenager From Bakersville In Lake Ming going like Come on baby Yeah Let me just dink That's ding It's just a little dink

Little dink in the stink And she's like no Because the dink leads to Something To the stink To the stink Yeah But wait is there

Slurp the middle word But between Eating and drink Because slurp has to do with soup or it's like, it's like, you're still drinking, something's thick. Yeah. It'd be a smoothie, could be something, you could slurp ice cream when it melts. Yeah. So soup needs its own kind of ingestion, ingestion.

But soup, because you soup, you're usually using, you could do this, like a foe, a far. What's that? The Vietnamese soup. Oh, foe. It's far. How do you spell it? P.H. P-H-O, but it's pronounced Fah or F-F-F-A.

F-A. F-A. F-A. F-A. F-A. What about off? What about F-A-F-O-F? You and your soupy attitude over here.

Mr. Soup at all? All right. You ask me about soup. I love soup. God, what's your favorite soup? Are you a clam chowder guy? I love a clam chowder, or a lobster bisque? Is it bisque or Bisk?

If you were in from Newfoundland, you'd pronounce Bisk. Bisk. Yeah. Beesk. But you say Bisk? Bisk. B-I-S-Q. Yeah.

Yeah. Lobster B-I-S-Q-U-E? Yeah. I mean, that's the thing with English. It's like, it's written one way, and you're like, it should be pronounced this way, and then it's pronounced a different fucking way. So it's like, it should be foe, but it's fa. And it should be B-S-K.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It should be B-E-S-K. Yeah. Yeah. But it's Bisk. So you're like, foe, that's, isn't that a Vietnamese soup? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so it's a great Vietnamese soup. So where does a guy like you, a Venezuelan doing a fake accent who can speak English, somehow end up with his face in a big bowl of foe? That's called L.A. It is? Yeah, that's that. Who turned you on to it? Do you have a Vietnamese little buddy?

Do you have a little Vietnamese buddy? Yeah. What's his name? You should fall off? No, I remember. Actually, Hey, fuck off. Yes?

Yeah. How'd you get turned on to foe? By, no, actually it was back in D.C. Like, where I grew up and I, where I used to go to work,

we used to go Fafo, yeah. Say it? You see, that was a slur. What's it called? That was a slurp. A foe. Fah.

Faw. What about Foe? I mean, I like Fow, but like, say Fow? Fow. A deer. A fow. Female dear

Ray a pocketball A son Me a name I call myself Fah along my way to run Fuck your sister's stupid face Pick your daughter's journey nose Suck your sister at Lake Me

And it brings us back to Fafahawk off Wow Wow. All this from soup. Yeah. That was a great movie. I remember watching that movie and I didn't realize it was about Nazis.

Yeah, the hills are alive, right? The sound of music. Yeah, I mean, I was a little kid. I was just, I didn't know they were going like. Yeah, they had a weird ending. Right. It started with like a nanny and singing and running in the hills and the Swiss Alps. And at the end, they're like being chased through a graveyard by the SS squad.

I know. Rain drops and roses and concentration camp hoses. Corpses are stacked in holes in the ground. Striped pajamas and corpses hanging round. Then they mondays, in the venice and they kill us bad. Stuffed in the oven and bake till we're dead. These are, yeah, oh my God, it was about Nazis at the end. Wow. What a dark underline.

And I remember my parents, let me watch that. And they never... Oh, yeah, it was a staple. I mean, it was like... But yeah, because he comes out of nowhere at the end. And then the guy becomes like the boyfriend of the daughter of the... Yeah. He becomes like...

He's got the flashlight. He sees him and doesn't... And they remember he yells. Yeah. And it was like, I don't know. So what happened with them? They just escaped, right? Oh, to Swiss.

To Swiss. Yeah. Yeah. I think the final shots her twirling in the Alps. Yeah. Which actually she... And actually she... was a nun. Yeah, she was a nun. And then she had like eight kids, like adopted eight kids. Yeah, yeah.

She went from like nun to like far. And I think that's where Ricolo came from by the way. Rickler. The, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the recola. Yeah. Because what happened at the end of the movie, she's ever, it's a big happy ending. She's up in the Swiss Alps where the Ricolo guys are always standing with their flugel horns. Yeah. And she started twirling and her dress went up and we were talking about it early. The word for pink taco

in Switzerland is Riccolo. So she was twirling so hard her dress lifted up and all the Swissy guys up there were like Ricola. Like they're letting the other guys know. They were letting each other know. There's one here. Yeah. Turn this way.

Because from if you know by history, if you know your history of the Swiss Alps, It's just only men there. Yeah, yodeling. Yodeling. That's why when they see like a Heidi, they call Heidi. Yeah.

Then they go, RICOA. So then they're like, hey, there's one here. Don't let her go. And when you're hurting sheep and goats all day and you get a free glance at a fresh Riccolo, you're going to let your buddies know. Of course. Ricolo. Is this why they, because Rickla is for like the breath or for like, what is it?

For your throat. For your throat. Yeah. Because of all the head. and the thin, yeah. Have you ever taken a Ricolo? Yeah, it's Ricola. Oh, here we go.

It's not Ricolo. You Argentinians, every word's a battle with you. Every word's a battle. Recola. Yeah, maybe that's it. Yeah, no, Rocola is the guys in the hill yell Ricolo. No, it's Ricola. It's not O.

Oh, you're right. He goes up. Yeah. It'd be downer if we go, Ricolo. Yeah. Ricoa. It's like, no, Ricola. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, yeah, it's got to be happy. It's got to be happy because they're like, hey. Hey, there's a. What I've had, Erikaola. You have? Yeah. I mean, yeah, they're like, they are for the throat. They're not for breath.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're made out of, of, of the, I think it's something. It's like a green that's found in Lake Ming. Ooh, scum. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's dark. And it's just hard to bite.

Yeah. That's from Rickula. And then that stuff that's sort of coat your uvula. Have you ever seen your uvula? My uvula. Where we go again. Uval. Wow, every word with this guy.

Uvula. Uvula. Uvola. And that's, wait, isn't that what guys had or what women have? Which one I don't know. Both. We all have a uvah. That's that thing that dangles in the back of our throat.

You thought it was a private part. Yeah. Sounds like it. Oh, this, that little bell. The clitoris, the vulva, the uvula. Yeah. This is it. It's that little piece of meat that hangs mysteriously.

Like the boxing. Yeah. Like if you're a mouth breather at night, you run the chance of elf sneaking into your throat in the middle of the night and just like, using it as a punching bag. So that's what Rickola is for? For the ulla?

I think it coats the uvula. It coats it. The uvula is what like gets irritated and inflamed and it It's all red. Have you ever looked at yours in the mirror? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's what that's a sign that you're sick. Why were you looking at it? Because it's one of our body parts that's omnipresent. I like watching my... You do. Like body parts? I mean, like, I like to see what's going on. It's such an odd. Yeah, there it is. It's like a, one of those things called stagolites or whatever that hang in caverns. You know those stag lights or the, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, uh, the, uh,

the dripping, you ever see a cavern and it looks like the rocks, like icicles? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it does look like that. Yeah, but it's in our throat and it's meaty. Because it keeps it keeps the, it keeps the stuff out, they bat out, the stuff out, it's like a, it's like a, it's like

it's like, they call it the, like the the, the, the door man? No, the, the, the, was that the, the, the, the, the, from Lord of the Rings who you shall not pass. An old man with a cane? Yeah, but what's his name? Norgulorf?

I hate the names in fucking Lord of the Rings. Why? Dimbledorff and Gumbble Blum. No, that's Harry Potter. Dildo lips and, oh, it is? Oh. Wait, isn't it Lord of the Rings too? Don't they all have these like Galdorffin and Bimble Flabin and Bilbo Baggins?

Yeah, like fuck those names. That's, I won't watch those movies. Just because of the names? The names drive me nuts. They're so dumb. Bilbo bag. If I could just get a Larry or a Don or something. I think, hey, Barbara, come on over here.

Bimble Blaggins wants to talk to you. Like, doesn't anyone have a normal name in these stupid movies? Maybe that's what, you know, the first draft of the book was with normal names. Yeah. Like, he just changed. This doesn't get any like his. There's something missing. How about a bellbo bang?

Oh, yeah. Larry climbs the ridge to the volcanic lava and pulls the mystical rain. and pulls the mystical ring and puts it on David's finger. Yeah, somehow it's not. It doesn't have the same pizzazzed. But if you do it, mingle gobbins, climbs to the rim of the volcano,

finds the mystic ring, and puts it on fimbled nubbins dirty finger. Yeah, that works a lot better. By way, do you name, that's a good name for a dog, but not for it. What? Like a weird name,

like a Bilbo Baggins or like a new... No, I can't do them anywhere. Not even for a dog? Not even for a dog? A sex toy called a Dildo Doggins. Like, I wouldn't use a weird. it? No? I can't. It drives me nuts. What happened if the love of your life is named? I won't even Fiona. Fiona's a normal name. That's from Shrek. It's from what? Shrek. Yeah, Fiona's normal. That's in

the vernacular. Okay. But I would not, I wouldn't even, I wouldn't even want to be introduced on a blind date to someone who sounded like a glumble bumpins or herpy lippins or whatever it is. Herpy lipins. Yeah, that's, that one's right away. This is my friend Herpy Lippin. She's single and she will be forever. Hilarious. Herpy lippins. That's funny.

Herpy lippin. This is my friend's AIDS alumpin and he's been single a long time. This is my friend micro penis. Micropenus? I was just trying to, yeah, like he has a little penis. Yeah. That one's a bit too techy though. That sounds too modern.

That's too modern. I don't know if they used the word micro way back in those mystical days. That's true. Like you probably didn't hear the word centimeter or technician. Or waymo. Yeah. Hey, Vimblebuggins, put the elk shank into the microwave for me. You know what I mean?

Like, I don't think they had all the techy stuff, you know. But the elk shank in the microwave. Put the fairy legs in the microwave. That'd be a good show, having those things in the modern world. I like having billbo baggings. Oh, don't even say it. Just hearing you say it makes me mad. Like, I'm almost in OJ country right now.

Like, I'm, like, don't even say it. Like, just hearing you say it as a throat. Bilbo baggings. Don't stop. Oh, Bilbo Baggins. God, you know what? I'm going to do the intro. I know we're late in the show, but this is the intro.

Folks, let's give it up. He's back. Remos is back. And buddy, this is, we were talking about it outside your fourth time here. Yes, four time. I'm one of the fourth time. You should have a whole of, you know, like, SNL. What do you mean? Like people have been here more than once, you know, like the host. You know, like the wall of Bimbald door. I think you've been here maybe one of our top guests you've been here more than And there's one guy that actually Messaged me there

And he was like hey when are you going to go back to the podcast Did he? He's like when's Francisco going back on the podcast Yeah his name was Bill Bo Baggins Oh God When is he going When are you going to have Francisco Bilbo Baggins

Ramos on the podcast But folks Before we go any further, you know them, stand-up comedian, actor. You do a little bit of producing and directing too, right? Yes, yes, yes. And anything else you want to sort of mention before we get back into the... Well, I have a special, my first one-hour special is coming out. What?

June 9th. And streaming everywhere. And it's called Still Learning. Oh, wow. You know, because we are like, you know, I'm still learning about, you know, It was a lot about, in that time when I, when I shot the special, I was married. So it was a lot about learning about being married, you know, but obviously I didn't learn and it.

Yeah. Yeah. So now, but it's all, it's about other stuff, learning about eating, learning about dancing, learning about, you know, language. Yeah, yeah. I feel like we sort of covered a lot of that today. Yeah, that's, yes. Learning about eating and talking and minging.

I thought I put it in your mind. Really? Oh, so you suddenly... I did it. I did it. Wow, that's slick. Because I had a whole page of questions and I didn't get to any of it.

I saw that and I was like, no. What a manipulative, cool guy. I know. That takes skill. That's called Lake Ming. You Ming to me. I mean you. Wow.

That's what happens. If this podcast is rock and don't bother knock him. Because it would be a bagging. It's almost like you Bilbo bagging me. That's a billbo bagging. You dildoed banged. dabble-dagged me. By the way, we can lose that if you want.

Is that like your comfort animal? Yeah, it is. I feel like touching it. It's like your comfort animal. It is. You'll take that on an airplane with you. It's like a squeeze ball for stress, but I just do that, you know.

Okay. Maybe I want one now. Yeah. Let me get one. Oh, do you want me to get it for you? No, I got one here. Oh, okay. There's a couple in here in the ground.

Well, I think you're, I don't want a freshie. By the way, if. It'd be funny if there's an emergency and the cops come and they just see a bunch of like tortillas on the floor when they look weird. Well, the cops like to eat. They like donuts.

And I think if they came here, they would see these airplane, tortilla airplanes and just stand around and throw them in each other's mouths. Yeah. All right. It really does look like the moon though, doesn't it? Yeah.

And it's got the craters. face and the craters and everything. But yeah, but it's a full moon, right? Yeah. I mean, yeah. Can you do a, what is this called? The moon when it goes like this with a little hook. Oh, a crescent moon?

Yeah. Yeah, let's do it. Go a crescent moon. Hold on. Wow, you're good at this. See? That's called arts and crafts. That's great.

Yeah. That's nice. That's a nice crescent moon. That's called a crescent tour. to you moon. That's right. You should do this. I like that. It's a good... And you know what this is called? What?

You'll figure it out. Oh. Well, if you don't get this, we're going to end the show. Oh, dude. Come on. You're a comedian. You love food. Oh, you're breaking my heart. It's right there in front of you. They already know. It's a crescent roll.

Oh, dude. See it roll. I rolled it all of there. It's a crescent roll. Okay, okay. Sushi roll. No, crescent roll. It's a crescent moon. And I rolled it up. Okay. Sorry, I was trying to look at outside the box. Okay, okay. But I got a look inside. Speaking of summer being here, my guy, are you doing any camping? You're doing anything like that? You're doing any summer fun plans? Are you a camper guy? I'm not a camper. I'm more of a beach. guy, you know, like, I camping, I mean, like, unless it's like that, what is it called gloke, like, glen camp, gland camping or glink, the one that's like, you're, like, you're camping, but you're also like staying with A-C. Oh, homelessness. Yeah. You're doing that?

Imagine if that was an activity. They had like a place you could go. You'd like to do homeless for a week, please? Okay, we have a spot open down on Melrose and LaBreya. We have a beautiful corner. There's a fire hydrant and a bus stop. We can put you on your family. for three nights, that'll be $2,750.

Would you like garbage bags and cardboard with that? I'm pretty sure that would be a good deal for like really rich people. Because when you're really rich, my theory is that you do, when you're really rich, you start doing activities to feel poor again. Because you're so bored being rich, you're like, can I just feel poor again? So it's like, that would be a good business to be like, you know, like, be homeless. Just to be humbled for a week. Yeah.

To remind yourself of your humble beginnings. Which I think is why people love camping. Because they're like, can I just live a little, you know? A life of squalor? Yeah. And they're like, can I just not have electricity for like a day and all that stuff? Can I eat straight out of a can of beans? Yeah.

Yeah, I like that. Like, feel like I feel like I'm struggling. But then, yeah, that's why people that don't have that much money, they're like, no, I'm not, what I don't want to do can. I do that every day. Can I remember how to use a can opener and open food by turning my wrist? Yeah. Like, who does that anymore? Wait, what do you open the can?

now. Electric can opener. Oh, or you can just do it. You don't have an electric can opener? No, no, I use it all fashion. Homeless. Homeless. We got us a homeless over here. We got us a homo. Actually, I am taking this to go because I need food. Oh, here you go. If this is a crescent moon, what has this become? Like what's the name for the leftover? Is that leftover moon? Yeah, no, it's a quarter. a semi-fatty moon.

Yeah, because this looks like a crescent. This looks like an ass-cheek. This is almost like an ass-cheek moon. Okay, yeah. Like if a midget was standing in a urinal facing this way, this would be his like puffy ass. That's a midget-ass moon is what that is. Wait, you know then, it's picking of little people.

Yeah. Oh, we can't say midget? Well, you're already saying it. Yeah, I already said it. But in the case of, as a condition in space, that sort of takes any of the badness off of it. But, you know, I just learned from an Argentina comic that in Argentina, it's very popular to hire little people for, like, your parties, birthday parties or whatever.

Like, you can hire. Oh, I thought you were going to say blow jobs. They are perfect. I mean, when you said you can hire little people for, I just did your, or dot, dot, dot, dot. And I thought, blow job. You know, they just walk up. They don't have to like, they just walk right up and they can get right at it. No knee injuries or no sore back. They could just stand there. Yeah, that's true. They're full moon ass sticking out and just go to work. But would you ever hire, like, give you a good old fashioned Dumbledorf.

Would you ever hire a little people for your birthday party? Because I guess, what would they really be doing? they come in and they wear masks of like, you know, like, like, if anything you want and they just run around. Like, there was a mask of like somebody wearing like a messy mask and they're just having a little gun of whiskey and they're just going like, I don't think I would. I think it'd be, to me it's too exploitive. Right. Because what you're basically doing is you're like, oh, let's pretend it's a kid running around. And it's like, but it's a full grown guy who's 43 with a beard and he has pubs.

But also they like it. The little people like it because that's their job. They're very popular. They make money that way. Yeah, there's got to be a better way to make money than running around at a party squirting whiskey. I mean, God. Is there any accountant jobs open anywhere?

I'm off to work, honey. Where's my squirt gun? Where's the Zorro mask and my squirt gun and the Jack Daniels? else, huh? But they're making more money on the account. Sure, glad I quit that job

at Merrill Lynch so I could be a running around whiskey squirting midget. Like, God, dude, what's the matter with you? I mean, I'm not, I agree. I think you want to hire one. No, no.

I'm all surprised, too, because to me it's like, so whatever, because then we were in Miami and there was those girls in the clubs that they were, like all those, like,

little shorty shorts. Kind of like Hooters. Yeah, yeah. And they were saying that he was saying that in Argentina, that's not allowed. That's bad, like, so I'm going like, so this is not allowed, but the little people run around.

It's fine, which is. Wait, are we talking midgets and hooter shorts? No, no, no, no. Because I'm not, this isn't me. This is God. Little people have the biggest jumbo butts you've ever seen. You know what they call? I don't want to see a midget in hooters shorts.

I would be like an orange Julius getting loose and rolling down the street. Do you know what they call little Little person in a hooters? A wing A what? A wing. Like a buffalo wing?

In hooters? Yeah. A little person? A little person in a hooters uniform? No wing. Like a chicken. Why? Because they're, you know, like a wing.

Like a chicken wing. What do they call it wings anyway? I don't think I'm getting this. Like a buffalo wing. What's that going to do with a little person? Because they're in a hooters. Boy, dear. that, bing, we just got our first lemon.

That was a full, like, we had a whole show of jokes that worked, everything had to pay off. That was just like a, someone jumped off a building and splattered. Like, that was just, that went nowhere. And we have to acknowledge it, don't we? Yeah, yeah, I did. We do. I thought you were going to, like, go. Yes.

There's nowhere to go with that one. I mean, it's a mitchie in a hooters is called a chicken wing. Like, I don't even see the connectivity. Because they sell buffalo wings all the time. I know, but. How does the little person get involved? Yeah, I don't know. We got Hooters, we got chicken wing, we got little person.

I'm not somehow connecting the joke. Yeah, no, I was, I guess I was pushing that. You had a bit of a brain fart of thing. I had a brain fart of that. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I might be the first time I've seen you slip up like that.

And you're releasing a special? Well, I'm still learning. Oh, you're still learning. Good save. There it is. Good save. Oh, yeah. All right, buddy.

We got to get down to our final segment. I don't want it to end. We're having too much fun. I know. I love coming here. I love it. We always have the best time. I know.

That's why we love this segment. This is a final thing. Words from a wooden shoe. Pull a rando word and see if it triggers a story from your wonderful life, my guy. Here we go. Here we go. Oh, that looks like a good one. What is it?

A dental mishap. Oh, wow. Okay. Okay. I mean, I, my front two teeth are like basically broken. Because when I was little, I was like walking back in Venezuela, like back to my room from my parents' room,

and it was dark, and I just hit the wall. And I went like, oh, wow. And then another time was playing with one of my cousins, and who was on top of me, and I just hit the other one. So like both of my teeth are like basically. Both of them are like in half? Like fake, yeah. Oh, wow.

So. Oh, yeah. How fast were you walking in the dark to get to your room to, like, knock your teeth out? And also, why would I, why is I smiling? I was like, yeah. I didn't know what I hid it. And I remember even- Were you possessed by Satan at the time?

Like, you're just like, I better get back to my room. Thank you, Bielza, Bob. Like, what the hell? How do you? I was walking like that. You even see the wall? You see the word. There's a toothmark in the wall?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, God. but that house never sold. And here's the living room and here's the dining room and a demon lived in this area. Yeah, thank you. We're out.

And I'm like, with your broken dumb and dumber tooth. That one of the shimp on the barbe, eh? So wait, so they're still broken so you have crowns on them. Not crowns, but like, like I have like a veneer in one.

Oh, veneer, yeah. And they look great. And the other one is, it's just a tip. Or just the, what would we call it? The fink. The dink, yeah. Just the dink if you see. Dude, they look great.

I never would have known you had a fucked up mouth. Yeah. Imagine that backhanded compliment. Yeah, right. You look great. I never knew you had fangled fucking donkey teeth. People do that, you know, like after shows. What do you mean?

Like, they go like, wow, I was surprised. I was like, what the fuck? Were you just coming thinking that was going to just bomb, like horribly? It's like, wow. Right, right. Like, I'm like, what the fuck? It's like, I'm surprised you got great teeth. Yeah.

Like, what? Oh, those look great. I'm surprised it doesn't look like someone smashed in the mouth with a fucking brick. You know, it's like backhanded compliment. The other one is when they go, like, when you like dress up or you look, you know, you're wearing a suit or something. Oh, yeah. Wow, you look well cleaned up. You clean up well.

Yeah. That was basically you're saying you look horrible this whole bunch of times. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That happens when you get a tuxedo on and go to a wedding or something. Wow, you really clean up well, you're a homeless slob. Nice. Plus, you're fucked up teeth.

Next time you come to my house, why don't you clean up well, you dirty fucking skank? You know? It's like, it's so backhanded. I prefer to that than actually. At least it's like, fuck, I give it to me straight, you know? I mean, you're giving it to me full. That's not straight. That's a full shot right there.

Give it to me straight polio mouth. Polio mouth. Because they don't have tooth. Rod and gums. No teeth. I don't know. I don't know polio. That's an old man's disease.

You know what's another one? It's also a rich man's sport. No, gout is a rich man's disease. Is it? Yeah. Because they drink too much wine? Or meat, meat. Meat.

Oh, yeah. It makes your feet go all fucked up, right? You get all full of sulfur acidic. Yeah. And then they're all fucked up. A lot of kings had it because that's all they did. And what's funny back then, they didn't know. Like, like you'd get, imagine back in those days you'd get ailments and you had no idea why.

And it's also some, imagine the doctor be like, hey, I got my teeth fucked up. And they're like, um, yeah, just put some tortilla. Put a burrito on it and see me in the morning. Yeah. They just had to make shit up and they had to like really sell it. Because they were like, they're like, they're. I didn't know what the fuck they were doing. Even for a headache.

Yeah, and if you didn't kind of fix the king, he had the authority go, off with his head. That's true. That's true. My foot's still swollen. Off with his head. The willow bark and the salamander skin didn't work. Off with his head.

I mean, the other doctor next to them, they're going to like, all right, I'm not using the salamander shit. But, dude, it looks good. Yeah. Yeah. Did you ever use the, when you go to the dentist? Do you ever use the nitrous oxide? The laughing gas?

Yeah, yeah. You have? It's good. Dude, I use it just for a cleaning. Oh. Oh, I hate going to the dentist. Really? I love the cleaning.

You love it, but when they're digging in your gums with those little needles. I like that. I like that. You do? I feel like I'm a little massacist. I like that little, like when you feel the little in the little, in the little gums. No. Yeah.

Oh. See, but that's the thing. When I'm on the nitrous, I do feel like that. I'm not even kidding. this is what I do. There's an old scene and I think it was the second or third Rambo movie where they've got them like chained to an old rusty mattress. No mattress but just the bad springs. And I think they're like electrocuting them and he's just like he's trained. He's like this Navy seal has been trained to withstand torture. And I'm not kidding as I lay there and they're

jamming these little needles into my gums. I'm literally going I'm Rambo. Come on bring it. Torture me. I've been trained. I literally think that while I'm doing it. But if I'm not on nitrous, I'm like, I won't even open my mouth. I'm like, fuck off. Get the foot out of here. So when you go to the dentist, you have a shirt off and you're like, you have a bandana. A bandana.

And it's really hard to lay in that chair because I got my quiver of bow and arrows. Yeah. But I get through it. Nice. Buddy, before we go once more, please plug your stuff. You got to go see him do his stand up. Get his special. Tell him where they can find everything, my guy.

You can follow me at F. Ramos comedy on all the social media and Instagram, all the stuff, Facebook. And, yeah, I'm going to post all my information there for the special. The special is going to be everywhere. It's going to be on Apple TV, Amazon Prime, YouTube TV everywhere. You can rent it for like three bucks or something. And then it's going to come out. And then you just, yeah, just follow me. And then come see me live.

I'm going to be doing a lot of shows. I'm going to be in Phoenix. I'm going to be in Houston. I'm going to be in Dallas. I'm going to be in all over Florida. I'm going to be in D.C., in Lowell, Arkansas, New York. So I'll come through. Francisco Ramos, still learning.

Check it out. Yeah, folks. Go see him. He's the best. Not only funny as hell, but he will seduce you on stage. Very charming. I will.

I will. And with either accent. With this one? Yeah. What's this one, bro? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

The Bakersfield Ming. The Bakersfield Ming. Well, folks, we had a great time here that I'm going to make one final burrito airplane to get us out of here. I'm gonna wrap this baby too. Folks, that's it for now. Until next time, chicken chowmaine. We'll see you next time.

We're out. We're supposed to freeze. Okay, now we can do it. Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday? It's your anniversary? It's your graduation? Or you just want me to make you laugh?

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