The Harland Highway - FRANCISCO RAMOS talks marriage, new movies, dead jokes, demented house pets, and podcasting outdoors

Episode Date: October 21, 2025

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Excuse me. We are doing what we call a professional podcast. We have a very special guest who is in the middle of a beautiful answer about relationships. Would you please fuck the hell off, Birdie Bird. Going down the home in common. Hello, hello. You hear it? I hear it.

Let me see. Crisp. Oh, that is crisp. That's almost like, it's almost crisp and glover. Crisp and glover. Oh, yeah. Like it's this close to it. Like the sound is crisp.

But it's crisping, but it's more crisp and glover. Who he actually. God, it's so close. Because of him, you can use your image. like people have to pay you for your image remember that what do you mean talk to me back to the future or two they didn't want to be in it and they were going to use it and they're like no man he sued and then like you're you can't use your image if you're not in there you know why i can't I can't have this conversation because I haven't seen back to the future oh I haven't been to the future

I wasn't able to but he already passed it took place see that's what I mean I was so confused I'm like do I go to the Cineplex? Do I go, like, do I drive? Do I fly to London on the Concord so that there's that time thing? Of course. Yeah, Concord's already. They don't even exist anymore. And they're not around anymore. So how do I get back to the future? Yeah. Or you can just go back to the press and which is the future. See, so that that's too much work for me to see a movie. Too much. Okay. I just want to go sit in the Cineplex, eat some dirty buttered popcorn. Maybe have the person behind me do a reach around. A reach around. Okay. I mean, you know, if it's a girl, I don't want a truck driver, but, you know.

That's a different of reach-around. That's just, that's a full Monty right there. That's what they call it. Yeah. That's what they call it in London, back in the 80s. Full Monty. When someone got naked? When someone got naked, did a reach-around.

A reach-around. But while you were eating pretzels. Why isn't there a reach-around yoga thing, pose? Because it seems to me in yoga, you're contorting your body. It sounds like a yoga term. Yeah. Okay, class. Let's do the reach around.

And, you know, like... You mean everybody in reach around, or you're rich around your own body? I don't know. I'm not a yoga instructor, even though I look like one. You do look like one. I think I took a class from you. Actually, it was Pilates. Oh, Pilates.

Yeah. You say Pilates? It was a different kind of Pilates. Pilates is actually an Italian ice cream. You're thinking of Pilates. Oh, God, that's right. Pilates is a pistachio, gelato. Right.

That people eat while doing yoga. Yeah, yeah. They reach around yoga. Do you do yoga? You look fit as a Chinese fiddle. I do. I do, I would like to do more yoga. What do you do?

Because you're fit as a, I'm going to change it. I'm going to say a North Korean fiddle. A North Korean fiddle. Okay. Look at you. That ones, those are really thin. I can pick you up on my shoulder and play you in a barn dance. That's the kind of fiddle you are.

That's how fiddle I am. I mean, I don't think you can, can you really raise me? I don't think you're that. I can lift you up like a forklift jacked up on monster drink energy suds. Okay. By the way, like you said, you're fit. Your fit, your fit, your fit is a fiddle. I'm fiddle.

I'm fiddle. Yeah, you're very fiddle. I'm fiddle, I'm fit, but not, but fiddle, but like, like, flexible. Yeah. What is your, your exercise regime? Because you are, you are sculpted my guy. No, I'm not. No, listen to me.

If I was in a museum and I'm walking through and there's Michelangelo's David. Yeah. Or there's a Roman, like a gladiator. And I'm just walking around and I go, oh, look at this one. For some reason, it has modern clothes on. Yeah. Am I naked or am I just in the clothes? Because, you know, like David, he was just completely naked.

Yeah, I mean, I should be. Either way. I mean, if I, my point is if I saw you, I'd think you're one of the sculpted, like, chiseled. Okay. Because look at you. You're like an adonis with an extra is on it. You're like an adonis.

Adonisus? Yeah. Adonisus. Yeah, dude. That's right. Adonis. Yeah. I mean, that sounds a little, like, like a pervert snake.

A pervert snake? You know, like, come here. I'm adonisus. I'm not going to bite you hard. Suss. Oh, man. I didn't think this show would get sexy so fast. It got sexy, man.

You started talking about the David, I mean, shape. I mean, I am in shape, but I'm not like, I mean, it's not like, because remember, I went to one time I did a commercial for like, you know, or I went to audition for a commercial for a Gillette commercial. Gillette. You know, and they, all of everybody that was in the other, you know, the other people that were auditioned. They're all like actual models, you know, the ones you see. Yeah, yeah.

Super Stads like me. Yeah, like you. There was basically just five of you. you know right there just a minute it's my model headshot oh that's your model huh yeah you see anyways I think I've seen that I think that was

the actual picture that were people you need to post like yeah yeah but I took off my shirt and the casting director was like because you had to take your shirt it's a jolette commercial and they're like okay yeah we're good so because I don't have a jillette body I have a CVS brand body

yeah you have sort of a wall green like a aisle 7 Exactly. Like, hey, it does the job, but... Like hair care, and then you keep going down the aisle, it's candies. Candies. And then toys. And there's a toy, yes, and then there's a candle for no reason. But wait a minute.

You're taking your shirt off for a Gillette commercial. Were you shaving your chest? No, well, you're also... Because, you know, every Gillette commercial, you're taking... Everybody, every dude is without a shirt in their bathroom shaving. Oh, yeah, they always have their shirt off. With a towel. You know, it's like kind of like just got off the shower kind of thing.

They should show them shaving their chest. They should. You ever shave your nipples? My nipples. Do you get hair around your nipples? I do get hair around my nipples. They're like, it's like a cactus. Yeah.

You know, like little hers here and there. It's like a, once in a while. It's like a sea urchin's arse hole. A sea urchin's asshole. Well, we say arse around here. Oh, arse. Okay. What's the difference between an arse and an ass?

Ars is just more loving and friendly and makes you want to hug it. Oh. But ass is dirty and truck stop, bathroom kind of stuff. stinky baskin robins, four or five flavors built up, kind of rancid. That's ass. Yeah.

So I got to say, Arse. So, but, oh. As soon as you said, Ars, the mad, Mr. Deary one

tried to ram us. I thought we were in, like, in, when I was like, what was the thing, the rest, private rooms? Oh, the escape room.

And I thought, When you say ours, that's when he moves. It was an adult escape room. Have you ever done an escape room? Yes. I went in and I did not like it. Okay. It sort of bored me.

It just felt kind of like forced. It was like scary, like horror. And so I was in there. And I'm not good at math. And I'm not really good at calculating things under pressure and with a bunch of people and girls and guys. And it felt more like a party. and so I'm in there and for the for the whole time you know people like oh we got to move the the pale and then turn the knob and put nine seven two in and then the whole thing I never

contributed I just went oh yeah there we go there it is okay we're okay there we go like the whole night and it wasn't until about an hour in that someone turns out that's all you've been saying all night you haven't helped so and I just started dying I didn't want anything to do i just wanted to get to arby's like get me out that was your escape room the step route to get to our yeah no they i always do the same thing i never i'm not good also at like imagining things i'm always just pulling stuff and most of the stuff is like you can't touch it because it's part of the room and i'm like but i'm in the same way and i'm like okay and then i'm always going like can we just ask for help yeah like we i don't like two minutes to say all right

we got up i'm like no no let's just ask for help let's get the hell out of here quick i didn't even ask for a help i asked for a cot you know how sometimes you're at a hotel and you and ask the request a cot. Oh, that's right. Oh, so you wanted to... They sent up a cot, and I just slept through it. You guys escape. I'm going to escape to Dreamland.

That's the thing, because there's people that actually do take it seriously. Oh, yeah. Okay, you're going to do this, you're going to, and I'm like, all right. There we go. This is actually not based in reality. Oh, there it is. There it is. There we go.

They take it. Oh, here we go. You're almost there. I was just, like, rooting in the... And they all sort of realized, you haven't done a fucking thing the whole time, and I'm just, like, laughing the whole time did you know these people where you yeah they were buddies but i just i just wasn't my thing so i just said i got i can't just stand it was like oh there we go there it is we found it you're just rooting people going great good job you got it all right let's move on yeah you're just

a cheerleader in the background yeah i'm a escape room cheerleader you're a suburban mom yeah in a soccer practice yeah that's right baby you got it and they're kids just picking up, just poop in the, in the, in the park. And I'm preggers too. Preggar. I'm with a, I'm, I'm, I'm, with child almost. With child. Yeah.

And you have a big ars because you're preggers. Big ars. Folks, uh, here we go. What a special day. Uh, Francisco Ramos is here, which is so special. First of all, we love having them on the Hall-Haway podcast. That's right. But here's the second thing, folks.

Have you noticed something different about the set? This is our first time with our outdoor set. And I'm getting emotional. Oh, my God. Our special guest, Francesco Ramos, we're on the alt set. We won't be here all the time, but we're going to jump back and forth. And what a treat. What a great way to break in the new set with Francesco.

It's beautiful. I have to say, you like it? I mean, it's, I would. I thought I was in an escape room outside. Oh, here we go. There he is. They'll let me hit the theme music. There he is.

Yeah. Folks, welcome to the Hall and Highway podcast, the outdoor edition. And super special guest today. He's been on many times before. We love the Francesco Ramos. And he's a comedian. He's a writer. And a little later on, buddy, you have a.

a new movie. I do. And we're going to talk about that. Yeah. And I think you might even share a clip with us. I will. I will. Okay. I will share that. There we go. There you go. We got a clip. We got it. We got it. We found it. We found it. We found the clip. Buddy, well, welcome. This is awesome. I like it. It's beautiful. I mean, it's wild. And you made this bar? I built this whole set. Can you believe it? I built it during COVID. You did this during covid yeah i'll give you a little history on the set so i did a movie called my life and ruins my life in ruins like years back um and a great little movie with uh with with uh with uh oh who's the star from my big fat greek wedding how can i be blanking oh martila narvosa what's the

martina marina navratilova the tennis player yeah didn't she have a big fat Greek wedding yeah she no amber what's the name of the Nea Vartolos God, knee, I'm so sorry I'm so like excited about the new set and having the sex machine here that my brains The sex machine.

So we did a movie called My Life and Ruins. We shot six weeks in Spain and two weeks in Greece. Beautiful. And we did a scene on the shores of the Mediterranean Sea where we had to all assemble. It was a group of us,

Richard Dreyfus, Mia. It was such a great movie. and we get to the beach and these prop guys had built like a canteena that looked almost identical to this. But it looked like it had been there for like ages.

For 40 years. It looked so lived in it. And I went, this wasn't here yesterday. And they had the aged paint, the weathered paint. And I was like, this is like so cool. And so I took pictures of it. Every angle.

They said, you know what? If they can build one, I'm going to build one once. day. So here we go. Years later, COVID happens. I have this little corner in my yard. And this wood here, this old wood.

I actually, this was an old fence that was buried in my yard for 40 years with vines growing all over it. It was a fence here? There was an old fence out back. Okay. I took a chainsaw cut it all down, repurposed all the wood. And I built this, this wood for the bar is new, but this back wood is all repurposed. on the floor and so I built this thing finally and I did it all by myself I went to home

depot got the tools you did it ever the lumber I did it all and uh what a great COVID project that was amazing yeah because you had like a thing and this is like well if if if the world ends I'm staying in my little I got a little canteen yeah yeah right all right here we go look at this the bar top is installed look at that view Look at that. Looking great. Got all the supports underneath. Nice and smooth and even. And it's on there really tight. That's what she said. And I think it's looking good. So that's a big step. And now the next thing is let's get that roof on. And let's get that a little bit of shade on that pound puppy. All right, here we go.

Roof time. And then one day I was hanging out here, and I thought, man, this would be a really cool alt, like set for the Harland Highway podcast. It's beautiful. Amber made this beautiful hand-painted sign. My assistant and creative producer Amber for the podcast. Let's give her a hand. She's over there watching. She's doing one of these.

And so here we go, buddy, and you're our first guest, so thank you. And this iguana, is that also handmade? This is hand-carved. I found this at like an antique shop down in the valley. Okay. And this thing was like $3,000. Wow. But it's so detailed.

You can see the scales on it. You can see, like, it was so beautiful. I said, I got to get it. And I had it in my house, and I thought this would be a great backdrop. for the cantina so here it is. It's just another weird thing on how on how things have come together for building this canteen the same way I found this old wood in my backyard that I thought where am I going to get old used up beat up wood and lo and behold it was back there behind my my pool equipment there was an old hedge in the backyard way back there and there was

ivy growing up like you know like 25 feet high and I cut it all out and lo and behold I find this old fence so so now I've got these old doors that have been sitting in my garage okay I got this amazing sculpture wood carving and it's gonna be the centerpiece of the back so now the big task here is mounting it this thing's heavy so I'm glad I put in these two by fours so I'm gonna figure out how to mount it onto these and it'll be the back of the wall so here we go it's it's time to get the lizard up not saying anything just i'll show you when it's up wow yeah and this is and this is and this is and this is and this is just from your journey so all these cans if you know

notice, each and every one of them has bullet holes in them. Oh, they all have bullet holes. And so what happened is... Are you trying to tell me something? These are from JFK's private collection. Now, I love going on road trips out into the desert. You do? So I used to get my pickup truck, go out into the desert and find ghost towns.

Okay. And old, like, forgotten places. And I would search for old cans and stuff that had bullet holes in them, because to me, bullet holes tell a story. oh okay it's like who shot this and why and what did they shoot it with and look look at it's got the old like that that's the one when you open the yeah with the old can opener like who drinks a can of pop exactly like that's a story and then and then it's like you know what i hate this can let me shoot it or because we don't know the story what if some cowboy was drinking it and it got shot up while it was in it you know who knows that's right could be yeah it could be it could be pepsies What do you think it was a Pepsi or a Diet Coke? I don't know. Maybe a Dr. Pepper because it's peppered with bullet holes.

Hello. And that's what I do. This is what Daddy does. That's what Daddy does. And then the deer heads are from my days. These antlers are from my days as a forest ranger in Canada, that one there. Wow. And this one actually found in a field north of here near Palmdale.

I shot a commercial for a Super Bowl commercial years ago. And we're kind of, it's supposed to be. in Africa, so we're out in these fields, and I found this deer skull out there. Wow. A lot of history here, a lot of story, but it isn't about that. We're through that. This is about you, my friend. No, it's about us. It's about us. Thank you. Oh, boy, it's fall. Everything's like crazy. You're running around. The leaves you're falling, and you got to stay on point with your diet. That's why you got to try factor, my friends. My goodness, their chef-prepared, dietitian-approved meals make it easy to stay on track

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delicious ready-to-eat meals delivered with Factor. Offer only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto-renewing subscription purchase. There's the facts. Now go get your Factor. I'm very proud. I'm very excited that you have this beautiful set because it does, and I like the history behind it,

because that's the thing about it, the fact that you made it, I'm not, because I'm not, how did you, I'm not a, a build guy. Like, I'm not a, like, I'm a guy that's like, I'll prefer to pay people to do it than just do it. I mean, I'm not, I don't, do you get off on like, yeah, I built it. I'm a man. I'm like, do you like. You know, I do get off on that, but I've built, I've built little things here and there,

but I've never done a piece of construction like this, like, believe it or not, there's a grid underneath here. Underneath the floorboards, there's a wooden grid with, with, with, where, I had to pour concrete and then mount posts. Wow. So basically what I did is I hadn't done anything that detailed. So I literally went on YouTube every step of the way and say, how do I mount posts? How do I pour the concrete for the post?

Where do I get the brackets? Blah, blah, blah. And then some of it was improvising. It looks great. Yeah, thanks, buddy. How long did it take you? It took me, you know, I sort of took my time because I knew it was COVID. So I didn't rush to put it up.

So I sort of sparsed it out. probably took me about two months or so. That's pretty fast. Yeah, but maybe three, but I was under no pressure to do it. I sort of didn't want it to finish because during COVID we had nothing to do, so it's sort of fun to piece it together. Yeah, yeah. It's amazing.

So here we are. Thank you. Enough about that. Let's get back to you, my guy. Thank you for being here. Special show in another way. Halloween's coming up, my bro, set me off. That is true.

That is true. This is going to be our Halloween show. It's going to be our Halloween show. show yeah because it's coming uh yeah so we're pretty soon to that really soon are you a halloween are you do you like dressing up do you a big Halloween guy I wasn't you know when I was a kid I loved it you know I'd go out at two in the afternoon I'd be ringing people in they'd be like what are you doing here that the sun's not even down it's like I know we're not even home yeah I'd have to break in and find candy you break in and that was your first escape room right there

that was yeah there it is there's the three musketeers We got it. But, yeah, so I did used to dress up. And then as I got older, I didn't like it. And I used to do the most minimalistic thing. I would get a Sharpie and put a dot and go, I'm Cindy Crawford. And then the next year I'd put a dot here, so I'm Marilyn Monroe. Then I put a dot here and say, I'm Abraham Lincoln.

Then I'd put a bit of a bigger one and say it was John Boy Walton. Like, I just did the most minimalistic thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've gotten like that, too. Yeah. I've gotten like the 80, I'm the 80s guy. And like whatever I found in my clothes, like all clothes and stuff that I've used for like sketches or whatever.

Yeah. I'm like, yeah, let me put, I'll put a wig on. Yeah, I'm an 80s guy. Yeah, that's it. I'm a tennis player. Yeah. And then that's it. Yeah.

Because I think as you get, I think only if I get invited to like a really cool like Hollywood type. Yeah. You know, like where you get a dress up, that's where I'll be like, all right. Let me go all. But if I'm going to my buddies just to walk around, I don't. I'm like, I'm doing the Maryland Monroe, you know, just a little thing right here. Can you hang on once? I don't know if you hear that helicopter.

I do. I do. Excuse me. There's two. We're doing a podcast. Yeah. Could you fuck off? We're doing, we're doing a podcast.

There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. We found it. It's stuck there. It's stuck in the sky. Yeah, I think it's like, what is going on?

If you could just fuck off, we're doing a podcast, please. I mean, God. I mean, I think they waited for us. I think they're here for you. I think they're, I think it's paparazzi. You think? Yeah, I do. Yes.

You know what? Dude, the sex machine. There is. I did post it. There is. Do some poses. Strike a pose. Strike a pose.

Strike a pose. You can have a whole fleet over here before you know it. Like, hey, people are going to be driving like, where's my news? Where's the traffic news? Oh, no. They're all over. the Harlan Highway podcast, taking shots of sexy over here. That's the traffic is the Highway Park, the Harlan Highway podcast right here.

All roads lead to your face. Whoa. Wow. That's, that's, that's, wow. You need a tramp stamp of that. I like that. I think I, I should get that in my back. You need that.

All roads lead to my face. For the reach around. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. That should be the name of my book. The reach around. round where all roads lead to my face.

I think both. You can do the sequel and the main book at the same time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's a pop-a book. Oh, yeah. If you're doing a book called The Reach Round, it's got a pop-off at some point. Yeah.

Wear goggles when you're reading that book. Buddy, so it's last time I saw you that you were just sort of freshly married. Yes. How's it going? We got to check in on the marriage. It's going, yes. It's definitely learning a lot.

about marriage and like just like what's the big takeaway like this is what year one year two year two what's the big takeaway after two after two wow I think the big takeaway is that you not every it's every things change in terms of how you know like now I have to be more aware of of everything in terms of like just basically I don't know.

You know, I'm just saying all this stuff because I don't know really what to say because I don't want to be in trouble. She's listening. She's listening right now. She's in the helicopter right now. And that's what it is. I think the big takeaway, if I can answer for you,

is you're madly in love. You can't wait to open the door every day and jump in her arms. Shower her with kisses. Yes. Passionally make love to her and tell her what a great cook she is. Isn't that what you wanted to say?

That's 100% of whatever. you were thinking. Sorry, that's what I was thinking. I think the helicopters threw you off a bit. I also didn't want, I was like, hey, let me say something funny, or should I just be real? And I was like, and I, like, you took, that's what I wanted to say. I could see it. It was written all over your face. It was, in my back. All roads lead to your face. Fighting. Has there been, and if you don't want to answer, has there been a big blowout yet in two years?

Was there a major fight that stuck out? No, no, it hasn't been like big fights. It's just little fights, you know. Okay. Which is kind of like what relationship is, you know, a little bit of like, hey, little ones. A little ones. It's like, you know, just more like miscommunication stuff of like, hey, you didn't do, it's like you didn't listen to me. And I'm like, what? What did you say?

I'm like, you didn't. Perfect answer. Yeah. No, but it's been like that. It's never been like a huge fight or something like that where it's like I don't want, like I'm moving out of the house. Yeah. No, no, I haven't done that. Is there ever been like a screaming yelling fight?

Is it ever elevated? the voices got raised and it's like you're like uh i mean a little here and there you know but but we kind of like turn it down right away you know maybe it's like you know you know what i'm just going to go take a break yeah you know like i'm going to go get some cans and shoot at the cans shoot the cans you go to the escape room you should have an escape room in your house that should be the escape room yes sometimes escape room is the house you just got to get out get away from the wife or the husband or the husband covering for you that's for covering for my body for both of us yeah or however you identify in a relationship yeah how do you step around arguments like if you see

them coming what what's your way to sort of go oh i can tell how do you sort of dance around it i'm learning because i'm learning that i'm i was doing it wrong sometimes well two things that i've learning also with marriage. It's like, I've been like, every time I would argue with her or I would talk to her about stuff, I'd be talking and I learned this now, like, like, I'm talking to another guy. So I'm like, I'm more blunt or more like, well, you got to do this and you got to do that. And like, and now I realize that's not the way to talk to your wife or to talk or to a woman in particular, you know, you got to be more like understanding the emotion, you know,

sometimes I was want to fix stuff. I was going to build stuff. And I realize, excuse me, we are doing what we call a professional podcast. We have a very special guest who is in the middle of a beautiful answer about relationships. Would you please fuck the hell off, Birdie Bird. Why are they stuck there? But your answer was so eloquent. I was going. I was going through it.

I was getting emotional. And these flying, hovering road, it's probably Bill Burr in his fucking helicopter. Well, he has a helicopter now? Oh, yeah, he does. He does. Yeah, yeah, it is. Hey, why you gotta be around our podcast? What the fuck is this?

You're destroying our podcast with your fucking Verdi bird. Let's go. That's your bill, burr. I guess. It's the best I can do. I'm so distracted with the- What the fuck is going on? That's my bill-bearer.

Yeah. That's a good way to end a fight with the wife. What the fuck is going on? That's the way. And then boom, that's it. I'm out. What about the whole, that whole thing? Don't go to bed, angry.

Because I got in a fight once, and I was awake for seven years. Yeah. I mean, you didn't get out. I couldn't get rid of the anger. That was when you, okay. And that was with who? That's none of your business, but she was a helicopter pilot. Okay.

Wait a minute. Wait a second. Carol? Carol! Get the end of now. Don't make me angry. I want to sleep, Carol. Look, there's a sign that says you're not going to sleep tonight.

I'm going to be here. It's a helicopter dragging one of those banners. You're not going to sleep tonight. It's Carol. Carol. Yeah, no, I think it is true. I think you should not go to sleep angry. I think that's one thing we try to do.

I did try to solve the, you know, or like, hey, like have the fight or have the argument, but then come back and be like, look, this is what I wanted to say. Yeah. Or this is what you want to say. Let's come down. You know, stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I do do that.

have i think it is good especially not even just to go go to sleep i think you should actually do it just to clarify everything like we're clarifying this helicopter i can't believe these helicopters god they're very uh personal like they're i think those are yours are this i feel like is this you are you shooting like my private collection yeah like you're filming wish guys this isn't funny Okay, stepping out of you and her, let's bring God's four-legged critters into the equation. What does one sexy hubby, hot jamming, Harley-riding, hog-moving daddy do if Mama wants to bring home a cat or a dog? Where are you on that? Well, I already know where I am because when I first met her, she already had her dog, her dog and cat.

Both? both and you married her bring in the helicopter lift him out he's got dude what what I well I mean and let me tell you they they know like

it's like I'm like I always said they're my adopted kids because they know that I'm there every time they don't listen to me every time I go like hey Stanley don't do this he just looks at me like you know my father and just walks away yeah you weren't there when he was a puppy he wasn't there because she didn't get us a puppy

but I wasn't there when I rescue because he's a rescue, and they're both rescue. So they both have... Or as I call the losers, the dementoids, the whores that nobody wants. And I know that people are getting mad, but that's what they are.

Dementoid losers. I call them used dogs. Yeah. You know, they're like... No, they're still good, but it's like a used car. You know, sometimes you want a new one. Sometimes you want... Because also, I feel like they come traumatized.

Garbage. And I love them. I love them. I'm just saying what they are. The garbage Dementtoids that nobody wants And there's people writing comments right now Right now, they're doing it But I don't care if I have to take your heat

For being honest, then I will I'm an honest guy I like that Those little garbage whores Nobody wants some Dement Toys Well I think that's a little to stream actually I feel like you're pushing that I mean

I'm just gonna I'm gonna step Or maybe a little I mean they're not that demand Thank you for dialing me back You're right I was letting you go, but then I'm like, well, this is getting a little too. I'll take off the whore part. The horror part.

Yes. And demented? Dementoids, yeah. Dementoids. Yeah, I made, that's my own word. Are those crazy people that eat alttoids? They're just like, like, they're just like lost, demented, like freaks, you know? Okay, got.

So, yeah, okay. So we'll take off whore and dementoid. And maybe freaks, too. Maybe just stick with garbage and losers. No, no, I think garbage now. What about losing? I mean... Excuse me.

Do you mind? I am doing a professional podcast with Francesco Ramos nonetheless, and we don't need this. There he goes. There it is. I think he heard me. All right. Yeah. Wow.

Thank you. Thank you. It's just they needed to get closer for you because we were yelling at them. They were too far. I've got a very commanding voice. You do, you know. People can tell when I'm not effing around. No, no, especially rescue dogs and cats, when you call them losers and dementoids. Yeah.

You know, they know that you're being real. Okay. So you had no choice with the pets. You walked into that. I had to either, it was a full package, you know, a combo. Like if I had to, like, be with her, I had to be with the dog and the cat, which I don't mind. I like the dog and the cat. I think they have grown to know me.

But I always know they're always going to be there. And I always tell her, like, I do want to get a dog that's mine. That likes me for me. That likes me from the beginning. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it hasn't happened there. Oh, yeah.

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I think they might step on our mayor I was the conversation was more when not because I am I like I like I like dogs and cats I'm not a like you that they think they're losing you hold on do you hear those sirens excuse me

officers we're doing a podcast hold hold for hold for playing hold the crime hold the bank robberies do you hear those sirens Is this something that happens? This is the first one we've done.

But I can't believe the disrespect on this glowing piece of man meat. They know. Don't you have, they know in the schedule that we're doing it. They knew this. They knew this. Now I was never for it, but defund the police right now. Defund the aircraft. Defund the helicopters. Defund the helicopters and defund my face.

Defund your face. Wait. Wait. Oh, I think I got carried away. Got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we take that one back? You can take that one back.

Defund. How are you going to defund your face? I don't know, but it sounded necessary, but now I think I overstepped my face. You overstepped your face. Yeah. Or you defunded the face. I defunded it. And by defunding my face, I overstepped the boundaries of my own face.

That makes sense. That makes sense in this world. Yeah. So, okay. So there was never a point where the cat or the dog was a tipping point for your. I mean, my only thing. The typical point was more when, like, when we moved to the place that we're living, you know, and they were like, hey, I don't want the dog and the cat to be in the bed.

Okay, that's fair. And I'm like, hey, can just. But the problem was they already had, she already trained them to be in the bed. So then we tried in the beginning to close the door and it's just meowing and howling and crying. And I got to the point, I was like, you know what? Forget it. So now they sleep, you know. the dog is here and the dog and the cat so it's like I'm trying to sleep and I got to move so I'm like sleeping in the corner almost falling apart you know while the dog and the cat are sleeping in the bed like this and I'm like so that's God I'm just say it all right just say it you lost that fight I did I did oh yeah there was I don't think there was even a fight at that point it was just I said it well I but I did try to do it but I actually let I I couldn't take it anymore I couldn't take the howling I couldn't care of the crying I couldn't

and take the doing and so i had to like you know you know when you close the door and they're just crying all the time you know oh that was them i thought that was you and the wife and the bed yes we were crying and howling and howling okay yeah yeah but it was them you're talking about got it yeah yeah do they did that ever become an issue when it came for lovey-dovey time you got a cat and a dog just staring at you it's a it's so i what's weird it's like row Wait, is that, is that a goofy? That was like a Scooby. A Scooby.

But anyways, so what happened? Yeah, no, it's good. I, uh, I, we were, I don't, I think it's funny when we're doing it, but it's always when you see the, it's where you're about to, like, you know. Have your moment. Have your moment. And then you do it. And then the first thing that you see is the dog just going, like, and I'm like, and

that's a weird thing because you're, it's like, you don't want to, but you're like doing it, but you're, like, looking at that, you're like, oh, no, like, it's not a good, you know, because you're like, so that's when it's not fun. Did they ever time it perfect, like, just when you did your, oh, the dog went, Rao? No, he said one time, that's it. Oh, wow. He wasn't impressed.

No, he was like, that was fast. Now, do you ever do it doggy style in front of the dog? I do it doggy style from the dog. Do they hold up cards after, like seven? 10, I mean, what do they think when you do doggy style? They go like, you're going too slow. You got to go faster because dogs are pat-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And I'm like, I'm trying.

Oh, wow. By the way, you're fucking the table right now. If you could just kind of dial it back to a little. Sorry, sorry, it's an old, yes, old wood. So it's almost like you have a coach, like a sex coach in the band with you. Exactly, just telling you, it's like you're fighting like a fight, like a boxing fight. And then you're going to the corner and like how. And I'm just tired.

I'm like, I'm like, I don't know if I can hold up anymore. It's like, go, just give me one more round. Just go. Yeah. This is the last round. Just full, full. Just go in. Oh, wow.

And it's, you know, it works. It does help you. It gives you motivation. Excuse me. Do you effing mind? I have Francesco Ramos here. And we don't do that to him. We might do that to a Theo,

a Vaughn or a Bill Burr or a Joe Rogan not the sex machine this guy does a doggy style in front of his dog who are you to hover over him I don't think we should be yelling that that sorry sorry I don't think it's a thing that's all right we should just keep it in the podcast yeah let's keep it in the pot yeah let's keep in the pot I want people to be thinking so I do that and also like I'm not it's I just want to make sure that we're separated yeah it's not a thing that they're just what they're just there yeah yeah yeah i got yeah sorry my bad no i just want to make sure let me let me shift gears all right are you a salad bar guy i'm a salad bar guy are you i mean i don't know if you've ever been asked excuse me i just had

a burp guy okay is that your verb it was weird it was like a side it went sideways i thought it was like a fly that got into your mouth maybe it was oh wow it was helicopter fumes I don't know. I mean, God. You're like, I was like, I never seen anybody burped. And you never burped. I know. It was sort of like, it's almost like what I would do if I was doing a doggy style.

That was weird. I think that's what the dog is going to, the face is going to do when they're watching you doing the doggy style. I think it was a new, I think I just created a new type of gats, like a flirt or something. Yeah, because it's like, like it's between a sneeze. and a burp? I didn't have to sneeze, but it was just it, it came up,

then it went sideways. It's almost like it went around my Adam's apple instead of over it. So it's like a fliglurp, if I can create a new category for escaping gases. But did it something come out?

Something did come out, but it came out every which way, but loose, as Clint Eastwood used to say. So I think I did a flaklurp. A flaklurp. We invented a word, Fleglerp.

Well, I mean, I mean, let's, I did it, not you. If you want to do one, maybe you name one. But I did the flaglurp, not you. I mean, hello. This is like the creator of the plane, you know, two guys, you know. Yeah, but it was my throat that flaklurped it up, not yours. But then I called it out and I was like, yeah, let's work down it.

We'll say something. Now we own it together. Yeah, we aren't just, I mean, our least, you know, give me 30% of the. Well, 50. All right. I mean, if you're people, if you're going to make T-shirts, if you're going to do merch, coffee mugs hats flaglurps if you want to you want to i mean it's ours okay it's our baby flaglurp and then it's just you're going that was a nice fliglurp that's a flogrurp you did a very

nice flakur this is a thing now everybody would have to in the podcast you have to take a selfie or take a video and then you do your own fluglurp um before you answer the salad bar question because it's i want to mention one of our new sponsors here is uh it's called mammoth grip and have you ever seen one of these no no no so it's really cool do shopping like you go to the grocery store i do shopping yes so you know how when you go you got to turn into like an octopus and put all the bags on your business so this thing you keep in your car you put your shopping bags all in there and the mammoth grip and it's it's lighter it redistributes the weight that's great and you can carry Like five, six bags?

You can carry, like, all the bags you want with your mammoth grip. Wow. It's a really cool invention. That is pretty cool. And you can order those online and get them sent to your house. And they're really, really cool, and they're very light. And it's made in the USA. Made in the USA.

So no tariffs on this. Yeah, and no terrorism on it either. Isn't that great? Isn't that a cool invention? That is really cool. You know why I brought it out because it's fitting that I brought out a cool invention and I just invented the we just invented the flaglurp the flaglurk yeah let's put that here the flaglurps so people the flaglurps so uh mammoth grips get those online and make your life

easier with your shopping and whatever you want to carry mammoth grips fliburp glirk I like that that was a great uh that was pretty good but let's jump back to the key question of the whole podcast are you a salad bar guy And who asked that, but me? Yes. I'm a, how do I put this? Yes, I mean, I think I'm a salad bar, but I'm not a salad bar prices guy. What do you mean?

Like, when you go to Whole Foods, you know, like, those salads are so damn expensive. Wait a minute. Are we whining over a salad? The, in Whole Foods. Because you go there, because you go there and they're like, it costs, you put everything. And it costs like $25. And I'm like, I just put some spinach. What are you putting on at diamonds?

Diamonds. What do you put? Who has a $25 salad bar? In Whole Foods. What are you putting on there? You put it and it's like, I'm going like, the thing is like, it's like, because I want to do it, but you can't, it's hard to, you know, they're, they're expensive. The more, because you, because they already charge for the thin. So that's like seven bucks.

And then you put one leaf of spinach and that's like 10 bucks. And you put a little tomato. That's 12 bucks. And then all of a sudden, you're like, I just wanted to eat a salad and it cost me $25. Just take a moment. process this? Can you, can we? I'd like to. Don't you think? I'd like to take a moment. Just process what you just said.

All right. Thank you. Do we need the mammoth grip for that? No, I just need a moment of silence if you wouldn't mind shutting the pie hole. Here comes that helicopter. Oh, God. Anyway. But yes, but I do like salads. What's your topping of choice?

A thousand islands, seas air. I go simple. I go vinaigrette. I go olive oil and just... You know that's the same ingredients they put in Summer's Eve, douche. Do you know that? The vinaigrette or this olive oil. Both.

In vinegar's douche? Does your wife use Summer's Eve? Summer's Eve? Yeah, I don't... I think so. Okay. Everything, I mean, I don't have a complaint in that department. If you ever run out of salad dressing at home,

just run to the bathroom, open the medicine cabinet and look for summer's eve. And then just put the same thing in there? It is the same thing. Dush is the same as Newman's own, olive oil. Neumazone is vinegar salad dressing. They're all the same thing. Okay. I did.

Well, all right. All right. Then I'm just saying. I'm not saying do it, but if you're ever in a pickle. and you run out of... And what happened if I need a pickle? If you need a pickle? I also have to go to the bathroom and get him from a...

In the douche area? That would be in another drawer. Oh. That's the other... Yeah. A pickle? Yeah. That would be in another drawer.

Probably right beside the bed. That's right. Yeah. The pickle stays separate from the salad dressing. So it's French douche? Douche is, is it French? It is. Yeah.

Yeah. It's French for Washy thy virginie. That's French. Wash is, no, that's the translation. It's, Le Roche, Les Vigini. Yeah, that's it. The wash, le Vesche, Le Flesh out, Le Flushy, the meaty.

Flesh, yeah. And the flageleurpe? Flaglurp. Flaglurp. Yeah. Oh, I wonder if you, well, I don't want to go there. What? You know, sometimes.

There's a flaglurp down there. Yes. Yeah, I don't, I'm not going to name that. No, no. But the area has a name. What is it? Um, I forget. But is it with an F?

Start with an F too? I don't know these things. But it does make a flaglurp sound. Yeah. Almost sounds like a. bullfrog getting hit by a meteorite in the middle of the night and getting knocked right off its lily pad. Okay.

That's the way I interpret it. That's the way you interpret it? That's what you say when it happens? Maybe. In the moment? Yeah. Hey, babe, that was like a bullfrog. That's a meteor hit.

Why is a meteor hitting a bullfrog? Well, they often do. I mean, they're going to sit out all night on a lily pad, totally exposed. They deserve it. They deserve it. You know, I don't, you know, I'm not a big fan of big frogs. I like little frogs. Why?

They shoot milk. Excuse me? What did you just say on my podcast? That's never been said here or anywhere else on planet Earth? Big frogs shoot milk. They shoot milk. Like, like they, that's their defense mechanism. Some big frogs, they spit milk or they, or they, you know, and milk that can blind you.

Just 2% of the big frogs do that. Just 2% of the big frogs do that. Just 2%, yeah. Yeah. But they can blind you. Pardon me? They can blind you. you, the milk.

I don't know. I've never heard this. I guess back in Venezuela, that's maybe somebody told me that or something. I don't know. It actually blinded one of my grandma's dog. Can I just say this? And no offense. If you're going to bust in here onto my new set, on my podcast,

or I'm just trying to get ahead in life and spread bullshit. fact that I've been to deniches that I'm energize out of time? Mm, it's the ensemble.

The form of small small and mini regrouped, call old men. And the embalage, too be able to be able to

give to do you. And I know I should they're going to get the summer Fridays and Rare Beauty by Salina Gomez.

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Flyer Transat 7 time letters champions by the seven time world's best leisure airline champions Air Transat It around like a seagull

that flew into a helicopter propeller I don't know that I need that here my guy Okay, all right But it's not bullshit It's just Well

Frog squirting 2% milk of their eyes? Well, it's not 2% isn't it. It's just full milk. It's whole. I just said only 2% of the frog. Oh, that's true.

All right. I'm sorry. I thought we were, I thought there was an open space. I thought we were outside. Yeah, but that? I thought we could, you know, we could share our.

Okay, okay. You know, I'll tell you this. There is a critter in the natural world that does squirt out of its eyes. What? It's a lizard. I think it's called the horny toad. Well, that it is. A toad. It's a big frog.

A toad. Well, a toad's an amphibian, and a lizard's a reptile. So you're way off, my God. Isn't a toad a frog? A toad is a land-dwelling amphibian. A frog is more aquatic, although toads will go in water. Frogs tend to live in the water. I'm this close to smashing you out that window. Like, I don't really need this.

I'm sorry, I thought a toad was a frog I didn't know it was a whole thing I'm not an expert No, you're not So let's shut the pie Buddy, I want to talk about You have a movie coming out Wait, oh, what?

A salad bar Oh yeah, yeah, sorry, we weren't finished Sorry, please We got so off track We got off track Yeah, please I do like, I mean, the vinaigrette, I like the salad

I like, I'm more of Like he had to finish that topic. Like it's important. I love that. I wanted to hear from you. Well, my thing is I had a really traumatic experience once with a salad bar. I was running away from the law and I had camo on and I went to Wendy's. They used to have these salad bars and I dove in it and I hid in the salad bar in camo and I got away for a while until one of the guys came along and lifted me up.

up by the croutons but too soon too soon but can we talk about your movie i'm excited yes yes please now have you done a lot of movies or is this sort of a new thing for you this is my like first oh long like i don't like i don't like the voices yeah it's over so stuff like that but it's my first actual movie that i've done like i'm done one of the leads one of this dude congrats that's huge yeah no it was it was it was an awesome experience It was my first time, and I learned so much, and I'm very proud of it. Did you have to audition for it? Was it offered to you?

It was a little bit of both. I know the director, so he kind of wanted me in the part. Oh, that's always nice. That's always nice. Oh, God, yeah. But he did say, hey, I need you to, you know, put you your audition because I need to send it to the producers and stuff like that. So I did that. He got it me and that how he got it.

Oh, dude. That was good. What's the name of the movie? The Unexpetence. Oh, wow. Wow, so it's about a baby? It's about a baby, yes. Oh, you're the baby?

I'm the baby. I'm inside the baby for nine months. You're in the baby? So it's about a pregnant baby? It's a pregnant baby? With an adult in it. Exactly. I love these reversal of fortune movies.

I'm just there the whole time. Oh, my God. I just basically had to be in escape room for nine months. Yeah, and an escape womb. An escape womb. That's right. Wow. Oh, my God.

The stretch marks on that little fetus after you came out. What are you, 5-7? I'm 5-9. Oh, that. Poor baby. Oh, God. Am I that, do I look that little? Five seven.

Well, you're sitting. By the way, when somebody that's, like, not that tall, when you get tall that you're shorter, it hurts. It hurts. It hurts. I'm sorry. Because you're like, what the, if you want to throw me through that window, you can. That's fine. You built this.

I don't want to destroy this. Well, tell me about the movie. What do you play? What's, first of all, before you did, what's the log line, like the short version? Don't, don't read me the whole script. What's the one sentence logline? of the movie. The log line is basically four friends that are,

they get scammed by an influencer, you know, and they basically invest all their savings in a crypto coin that's just a scam. So now these friends now have to get their money back. So now they do this, like, kind of like Ocean's 11 plan to get the money back. So it's very like, he's got action, he's got comedy, he's got drama, he's got everything. And a little revenge? And a little revenge, yes, definitely big revenge. And a little comeuppance, they make the other guys pay for their dastardly deed.

For destroying. Okay, so now we know the groundwork. So tell us about who you play and what your character is in the movie. So my character is an actual, like a basically struggling actor. That's just, you know, doesn't have that much money, but are friends with these people and they just want to invest all his savings. And to try to just get, you know, more money to produce his whole stuff. Yeah, yeah. So that's pretty much.

He's just a struggling actor. But, like, I'm very kind of like a, like a lovable loser. He's kind of like a little, like, not confident, just kind of like a little. But then eventually through the movie, he kind of changes and becomes a little more, more like his dad. Okay, can we run the clip right now and then on the other side of it? I will have some more questions for you. Let's do it. Amber, throw to the clip.

It's where I've gone before. Nice. Okay. Ready? Deep breath, shoot straight. Hold the gun firm. Both hands. Okay. Whoa, I said both hands.

It's okay. Oh, it's okay. The wind got me. And we're back. You like that? My God, Guy. Marlon? Thank you.

Marlon Brando? Thank you. I just want to... Marlon Brando with COVID? I like... What are you doing over there? Buddy... I like the salad.

I like you. I'm a salad bar again. I'm a vineyard. Buddy, congratulations. It looks beautiful. And tell me about... Did you like the experience? Did you like your character?

Yes, it was fun because, again, my first time on a set, so I had no idea how to... Like, it was first in location. to us well because it's shutting new mexico oh wow so that's pretty cool it it was cool because it felt like like camping like we were like in a summer camp kind of stuff so like everybody got along right of well very well like uh i met matt walsh uh who's uh you know on vip and uh you know and does a lot of shows he's seen the movie and i was very big fan of him so i was like we kind of click right away which was pretty cool like it was like one time we're like on a scene

and he was shooting he's filming his scene and then he's like hey can you just come up with funny stuff you know I want to and like and I was like oh man that's amazing that he's asking me and it was it was just everybody just got along well it felt it was independent movie so it's an indie movie so I didn't realize this either after

until after I taped it that you know I guess in big budget films you have like one or maybe two scenes that you shoot a day you know like this one we're basically shooting like five six a day and like and takes were like

yeah all right two takes three takes go, Paboo. It's a lot of pressure. Which is a lot of pressure because you didn't have time to like, all right,

let me just to take my time. So it's just like, you had to nail it and then you do an improv one and that they, but everybody, it was a great experience. I mean,

I really, this is a funny one too. I, first day I get there, you know, before we film, we're going to meet with the actual producer guy

who's, you know, financing all this stuff. Yeah. I'm the director. He picks me up. And then he's like, before we go into this restaurant, he's like,

he's like, oh, I smoked some weed. So he smokes. And the weed that he smokes is very, like, heavy duty. Oh, no. You smoke some, too? So I smoked some, too.

And, like, and I was just, like, meeting this guy for the first time in person. And I'm like, he's just talking to him. And I'm like, uh, like, just so fucked up. And he's like, and I'm going, my mind. I'm going like, all right, I'm going to get fire. This is not going to. Because I thought I was, you know, it was my first. I was like, hey, how are you doing?

And I'm like, he would ask me questions. How was the flight? I'm like, uh. In the air. I was like flabbergasted, or flabber, flogger? What was the word that we came? Fluglurp? Fuglerp.

Oh, wow. I floglurp him. Oh. But yeah, but it was, that was a very funny thing because I was like, luckily afterwards, he was like, no, no, I knew you were high. Don't worry. Yeah, not a great first impression. Not to actors. Don't do that.

Don't get hammered before you meet the money people. Exactly. But it was great. It was fun, man. It came out really well. And, yeah, it premieres October 14th, but it comes, you know, we did the screening. Yeah. And everybody liked it.

They came out really well. I mean, it's a cool, you know, it's a great experience because it's my first, like, movie. And, like, I was, I was part of it. I'm part of it. And you're right. It's when you get with a crew and a cast, it sort of becomes a little, you said summer camp. It becomes a little family. You're all focused on the same thing.

You're all kind of riding the same. same energy and it's really cool it's really cool yeah you go to the same plate of restaurants you eat the same salad bars same salad you know that's great no but it's great it's fun and and we all that's cool we all like got along very well and we now we still kind of friends to it with each other you know which is pretty cool you know what's interesting is when you do a movie because it's frozen in time on celluloid or or digital video or whatever you become connected to that person in perpetuity yes Because even though you go your separate ways, the movie always exists and the time you have on screen. So, you know, even guys, like, I don't see Dave Chappelle very often.

And I wouldn't call us like close buddies. We're friends. But I have a deeper connection to him just because we did a movie together and we shared that time. And that piece of time that we put in affected people all over the world. And so it becomes stronger. Yes. Your relation becomes stronger. stronger by default, weirdly.

It's very strange. And so you sort of feel this invisible connection. I feel an invisible connection to all the people I've ever acted with. It's a really cool thing. Yeah, no. And it's also the fact that you both, that you're part of this thing that nobody can take away, that you're like connected with it. It's locked.

It's like, it's forever. And it's always going to be there and those memories that you had and those things. And what cool thing for me, it actually also gave me very. I was very, like, give me more confident because there was a lot of stuff that I was like, oh, I knew, like, I didn't know what I was, I was like, oh, I knew what I'm doing. Like, you know, I don't know. Like, I felt like, like, oh, okay, I know what this is. I know what blocking is.

I know what this is. I know how to stand here or get the light or the cameras here. And I was like, oh, it gave me more confident. I'm like, oh, I'm, you know, even though I haven't been that experience, I think just learning. You just have to jump in. You have to. It gives you the confidence. At first, you're probably trepidations,

but then it gives you the confidence to jump in. And then once you jump in, your confidence goes up another layer because you realize, oh, I can do this. And also understanding, which was cool too, because I started, I was also like, well, it wasn't my scene. I was watching other people, like film their scenes on the camera, the director of what he was doing and the DP. And I like that because it also, I mean, I like directing.

I like doing that as well. But it also gives you that of how it works. So then as an actor, then it takes away that confidence of or that not confidence of like, oh, I'm doing it wrong. For example, like you did a take and they're like, hey, all right, can you do it again? In my first, when I first started, I thought I was like, oh, that means I'm doing it wrong. Yeah. And then you realize, no, they just want to get a different coverage.

They just want a different thing, just a different reaction or something. And then you're just kind of like, okay, I'll do this one. I'll do this one different. And then it kind of relaxes you to even more crazy, you know. And it lets you shift your. gears artistically and creatively because they say hey make it angry or make it this like be more silent with it more be more internal and so you have to push yourself and that in turn builds your confidence because you're like oh wow I found that gear that I might not have known about

if the director hadn't exactly asked me to go there or when they go like hey do one like like you want to do it yeah and then you do something crazy and they're like oh that's the one that's because then you're just they know they got what they want it and now you're like now you're like free balling basically oh that's the best i i got to do that in a lot of my movies and it's it's so fun but uh buddy congratulations thank you man uh do we know where we can see the movie yeah you can watch it on uh apple tv you can watch it on amazon prime you know it's a video on demand you can rent it or you can buy it as well so yeah just watch it share it you know share on social media you know because it's a again it's an indie

movie it's not like a big studio movie but uh and it's produced by k. Kevin Smith. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the thing. It's produced by Kevin Smith from clerks and dogma and stuff. So he liked it because he got to his festival. Yeah. And he won best comedy.

And then he's like, all right, let me get on board, you know. Wow. Well, I hope this is the beginning of many more. Thank you. I can tell you, I can see you're lit up about it. You're really excited. Yeah. I hope you folks check out the movie, the unexpected.

And plural. Well, it's my show. Keep it up, and I'll just say the soloist. How about that? But in keeping with Halloween and dying and death, I want to introduce something. We've all had a great joke in our stand-up career. I don't know if people know this.

They probably do, but we have to let jokes go. Yes, and retire to them. We have to retire them. We have to send them to the comedy graveyard, not because they're not good anymore, but we've just done them. And also when we tape them, if we tape a special, tape something, then that's also how you can let them go as well.

So what I want to do here, since we're in the Halloween show, why don't we each put on the, I've got this for both of us. This is a mask of death. Okay. And recite one of our favorite jokes that we had to put to the grave, a really good, solid one. All right. And just sort of, just for the day of the dead,

we bring it back to the world to have a giggle on this most scary of evening. All right. Do you want to go first? Do you want me to go first? It's your show. I'm not trying to. This is much. I'll go.

Okay, I'll go first. Here we go. Let me get rid of the hat. Put on the mask of death. This is one of my favorite jokes that I had to get rid of way back in the day. Is it working? Yeah, it works. All right.

Here we go. Ready? This is one of my jokes that I had to put in the comedy graveyard. Here we go. So I went to the store the other day and stole a Mars bar. Went home called Crime Stoppers. I made a thousand bucks. How was it?

Oh, okay. Okay, maybe it belongs in the graveyard. Wow. Your turn. Jeez. I don't know. Did you even get it? I mean,

I have no idea. You don't even know. You don't know jokes. I'm glad you're acting now because you don't know jokes. God. Can you repeat it again? Sorry. Okay.

I went into a store the other day, stole a Mars bar. I went home called Crime Stoppers. I made a thousand bucks. wow i don't get it so i went into a store i stole a mars bar worth

50 cents or a dollar yeah yeah yeah i go home i call crime stoppers on myself yeah oh if you call crime stoppers they give you a thousand bucks for solving helping them solve a crime i made a thousand bucks got i got it wow wow you know now i'm glad i buried that piece of shit joke thanks a lot i shouldn't even be in comedy also isn't crime stubborn that was like an old show right well i said it was one of my early jokes god so me send in the helicopters please okay go ahead can you can't yeah there you go yeah okay here we go all right a a joke from the comedy graveyard all right all right So I went to this candy store.

No, I'm kidding. You son of that. Now, so I used to teach tennis to kids. I was director of a tennis camp. And I, but growing up, I had to learn English, and I couldn't pronounce the word focus. So I did this presentation to, you know, to the parents about their tennis, the kids' tennis. So I go like, all right, parents, I'm sorry to tell you that your kid's tennis. will not focus

we tried them to get into focus but they're always you know playing around and you know but look at little Timmy here he loves to focus I got arrested that day

and I was like I just want the kids to focus I didn't did you get it? I don't get it all right so what is is because you know first of all I focus if you don't pronounce it well you can say fuck like you're saying fuck us so then so then i'm telling the parents that

that their kids can fuck us will not focus because but do we want the kids no we don't want well we want the case to focus but not to the other sure this is a joke it was it was a good one people still like it i mean do they do they I mean, nothing beats a good, fucking a kid joke. I mean, God. Well, they don't. I'm not fucking. The only reason they don't is because you're saying it wrong.

If you said it right, there'd be some kids in trouble. Of course. That's a joke. And I think I messed it up the premise. Lest it up real good. Amber, call 911, please. Or call crime stoppers. But I had to say, my, I couldn't pronounce.

It's hard, English, too many words sound similar. Like, when I was growing up, I couldn't say the word focus. That's how he started. Okay, maybe next time just throwing that part. Maybe I got to... The kids, maybe. Maybe let me do it again. Okay.

So when I was growing up, so English. English is a very hard language to learn. Too many words sound similar. When I was growing up, I couldn't say the word focus. And I had to teach tennis to kids. I had to teach tennis to kids. I had this presentation from their parents

about their kids and I go like well I'm sorry parents but your kids will not focus still not really yeah maybe not

for this podcast maybe for another one maybe does Jared do a podcast maybe he does yeah it's called subway chronicles

yeah I think maybe it's called the food long yeah no I mean Hey guys, just a quick reminder. We're coming up on 200,000 subscribers to the Harland Highway podcast. We'd love you to be part of that. If you haven't subscribed, please hit the subscribe button.

It takes literally less time than it takes to pop a Zit in your bathroom mirror. Just boop and you're subscribed. It helps us out and helps us keep this show rocking and rolling. 200,000. We're right at the precipice. Big word. but please subscribe today. All right.

Well, this is why these are retired. Yeah, that's why they're in the grave. They're in the grave. They're not coming back. It is kind of like when you watch a move. Does that happen to you when you watch an own movie?

Especially with comedy. Do you watch a movie? I used to like laugh at this a lot and I'm like, this is not as funny as I thought. It was in that moment. My worst experience with that when Raising Arizona came out by the Cohen brothers. Yeah. I went to see it, it blew me through the wall

It was like the first time I'd seen Star Wars I was like what, this is so And I went to see it again like three nights later Which I never do Yeah And the only movie I think I've ever done that for is Avatar But it was just like it was so funny and original And then I pulled it out and I watched it about three years ago

And I was just kind of like Yeah Like it's still inventive and it's shot And the characters are but But that fascinating in that awe, I was like, oh, it's not really as funny as I remember. And do you think it's because of that, or it's because in that moment, it was a different, like, humor or different, I think, right?

I think it's just at the time I saw it, I was young, I was in my 20s, and it was just so kind of new and fresh. And I'm not saying it's not a funny movie, but it just, after being in the entertainment industry, this was pre my, and so I sort of saw it in a whole new light. But on the opposite end of that, there are other movies. the big Lebowski, I didn't like it when it came out, but then I watched that a few years ago, and I went, oh my God, like, it, so I had two, like, polar opposite effects from the same filmmakers, which so I guess it all evens out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. It's what, to me, it was with Austin Powers. Oh, yeah. Because, like, when I watched it, I remember in theaters, I mean, I was in high school, I was just cracking up. I was like, do I make you honey, baby, yeah, baby, you know, all this stuff. and I was, and then I watched it, you know, maybe a couple years ago, and I was just like, it's, yeah, it's kind of like, I don't know,

so again, I think that was pre before I started doing stand up before I started in this business, so like, right out of power. Now you go like, oh, this, they're okay, the bits, or like, I get him, but they're kind of like fluff, I don't know, like you go like, and again, and I think, I don't know if it's, because especially at that time, it was so hot and it was like, the humor, you know, and now the humor house also evolved to. Yeah. And it was so sort of new.

No one had done what he was doing. Exactly. And so it was like, boom. And I think that's what Raising Arizona did to me. They're still funny on their ground. And people love them. But just sometimes your sensibility changes as you mature. Yes.

You know. As you mature. Also with action movies, too, I think it happens. Yeah. I think it's with all of them. All those movies, you go like, and some movies, like you say, I think they're just great. And they're just like a good joke.

Yeah. Like, first time I saw Schindler's list, hilarious. And I watch it now, and I just find it depressing. Oh, this is funny. I saw this happened to me. I saw one battle after another. Yeah. No, the new Decapreo movie?

The Caprio movie. Is it any good? I liked it. Out of ten? I'll give you nine flabbergasts. Wow. I've been thinking of seeing it. I liked it.

I like it. I mean, there's some things that I, you know, little, many things. but I think overall, like, I think the acting is great. Wow. That direction is great, too. I like it. It's also very timely on what's happening right now. Oh, good.

Okay. So, uh, check it out. But this is, I saw it in a, so I went to this 4DX movie theater, which, you know. Sounds like you climbed up a robot's arse. I did. Well, it felt like that because, so I had no idea. These are just theaters that, that seats move and make something interactive and stuff like that, which I had no idea.

I thought it was just a better quality of the movie. I sit there. The thing starts moving, and I'm like, you know, first of all, two and a half hours of like a universal ride, that's not fun. But what was weird to, the seat was moving as the sex scenes were happening, too. So, like, I'm going like this, and I'm looking at the other guy, and the other guy's like that.

And I'm like, I don't like this. And the other guy wasn't even sitting. He was just working there. Yeah. I was at a theater the other day, and I thought it was one of those theaters because the guy beside me was doing all that. It turns out of Parkinson's.

Buddy, it's time for our final segment, words from a wooden shoe. You reach in there and see if there's a word that relates to your journey or inspires a story from your journey in life. And let's see if there's a story that comes out of it, my guy. Cheating. Oh, here we go.

There's a lot of them here. oh really you've done a lot of cheating no no oh it's been done to me oh really yeah a stud like you a stud like me this is what happens when you're a stud you get cheated yeah no my uh ex-girlfriend uh she she she cheated on me and then she actually wrote i remember i didn't know at this point that she was cheating but she was she wrote me a letter when she left like she left and she wrote me a letter to saying that i was you know like all this stuff it was like it was you know it was your she was like uh She's like, you never listen to me. You never do this stuff and all this stuff.

It's like, she was, remember, I was like, I don't, we're watching the Princess Diaries. And then you didn't pay attention. That's where I realized you weren't ready to be a father. I was like, what the fuck? It's like, you cheated, you know. But she, she, she, I found out that she cheated when I went to a restaurant and she was there with the other dude. No. I saw her.

Did you confront them? Oh, yeah. Did you throw your salad in their face? I did. I threw my salad. And I threw her veneigrette in her thin. Yeah, no, it was... Whoa.

That was the thing, yeah, no, it was... Was there a fight? Were their fists thrown down? No, because at that point, she had broken up with me already. Okay. But the reason that she told me that it was my fault, that's why she wrote me this stupid five-page letter. She had this guy already in the chamber.

Because that's my... I always say, I think, you know, like what's happened to me. It was like, it was like, like with her. She basically was like a baseball coach. She had someone warming up in the bullpen before she made the switch. They say they often do. They often do. I think I've read that that a lot of people before they break up how.

It's like a job, which is like messed up, right? It's not good. I think it's like just break up with somebody. Yeah, I agree. But it's like they're waiting around, waiting around until like I got this person. And now, and then this, and then it comes out of nowhere where they go like, they create all this bullshit problem.

I was like, I've never done that. I just play something out until you try your best. You want it to work. That's why you're with this person. Exactly. So I play it out to the max. And if you don't get along and you realize,

then you don't get along and you move on. And then I'm just like, my story's always been, am I ever going to find someone else? It's never like, well, I'm going right over to Carol's house. Because I can't,

emotionally, I don't have a heart big enough to juggle two at a time. Like, I don't want to. That's another thing, too. It's too. Deceitful. I can't even have fun doing anything even sexually if I have somebody.

Like, I need to be, like, loose and be like, I can't. Because to me, it's like, you can't have your cake and eat it too, man. Either you. Well, fat people can. That's true. That's true. They do. Geez, don't be so insensitive to the fatties.

Well, if you're fat, yeah, if you're fat, you can have your cake and eat it too. They can also eat a lobster thermidor and a meatloaf too. And a tomahawk. You can't have your cake and your meatloaf and your. And your. They can have. They can. All right.

All right. Well, for the thinner people. Right. You can't have your cake and eat it too, you know. But yeah. But I don't never, I never enjoy it. I never, like, I never have been that. Because I have friends are people that I know that are like, they don't care.

Like, they're like, the people are like, I'm on the road. So like, it's like, it's like, just because you're in a different country, doesn't mean like you're fucking. It's so bad. To me, it's about you get up in the morning, you look at yourself in the mirror, and it's that old adage, do unto others as you would have done under yourself. For those of you that don't live by that,

can you take them time to switch gears? I don't like to preach to my audience of 12 or 13 viewers, but really, switch gears, and before you do anything like that. Think of the consequences of what you're doing. And how you would feel if it was done to you. 100%. And it's also a matter of respect.

I always say, like, because most people, like, you know, they don't want to, They cheat or they don't tell you truth because I don't want to hurt you. Like you're hurting the person by not telling the truth. It's better to be like, look, I don't like you. I like this person. I'm leaving. And then that's it.

They're saying that just as a cover for themselves. Exactly. I don't want to hurt you now. You're saying it because you didn't want to look in the mirror and see what on arse you are. And the victimization too of like, I did this. This I was, I did this because it wasn't working. No, it has nothing to do. If the relationship is not working out,

finish the relationship but then don't say like you this led to this it's like that's bullshit too and speaking of finishing my friends we are not finishing this relationship we're just coming to an end of this episode but there will be another one and Francisco Ramos was here today buddy before we go yes I want you to let them know where they can find you doing your stand-up tour where they can find your social media and one more time where they can see your wonderful new movie. Well, you can follow me on, you know, on Instagram F. Ramos comedy, also on TikTok as well, F. Ramos comedy, my website, Francisco E.Ramos.com. I have, you know, I'm touring a lot in October, November. I don't know when this comes out, but I'm doing my special, filming my special

on October 14th in New York. But then I have a lot of dates coming up. I have Seattle. I have Fort Lauderdale. I have Orlando. I have Tampa. Wow. And then, And also for the movie, The Unexpected, comes out October 14th as well. Check it out on Video on Demand, on Apple TV, on Amazon Prime, wherever. And then please rent it, please share it. It's an independent movie. So the more people watch it, the more word of mouth it works, the more better is for us. So watch it.

Perfect. Go get it. Congratulations on everything, buddy. Folks, don't forget, pick up your mammoth grips. and you can hold on to stuff way easier and way lighter and way more convenient. That's it for today on our brand new set. Thank you for letting us pop your cherry on the first set. Something popped.

Something popped. I think you plurfed. And that's it for day on the Holland Highway podcast. Until next time, chicken chowmaine, everyone. Wow. This was good, right? This is fun. This is great.

I like that. Thanks for breaking in the new set. Great. Yeah, no, I like this life. It makes it nice. It makes it fun. And also when it gets a little cooler, it's going to be fun, too. What are you doing tonight? Whatever you want to do. Do you do a night one? Now, that's a flugger.

Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday. It's your anniversary. graduation or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Camio.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.