The Harland Highway - GREG FITZSIMMIONS- Returns a 3rd time and talks unpleasant prostate exams!

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

Greg Fitzsimmons talks disturbing doctor visits, honeymooning in Bali, and much more! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My girlfriend, who's my wife now. Oh, really? Does she know about this? No. She doesn't know that you have a girlfriend and it's her? No. Dude, you better clean that up. Well, also, when she finds out that she's my wife,

she's going to wonder about this girlfriend that I have. Dude, this is getting messy. Yeah. Dude, clean it up, dude. You don't want your wife to leave you for the girlfriend. No. Because then you'll be stuck with the wife. That's right.

So she's back in New York at the apartment. With your wife? No, the girlfriend. Okay. Yeah. Getting messy, but okay. So. But she's going to be the wife.

She will someday be the wife. But at this point, she's the girlfriend. She's just the girlfriend. Does she know she's going to be the wife? No idea. Well, I think she has an inkling. Okay. So now you have to tell her about the girlfriend.

Yes. Okay. The relationships are not easy, but keep going. And so. So, you're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway show. Harland Williams. This is your third time here, bro, Seffiosh.

Great Fitzsimmons. Atrick. Patrick. Patrick McSimmons, man. Let's hit the theme music. Ladies and gentlemen, now that's right. You on the Harlem Highway Poker with Great.

And I hope you don't mind I'd do that in Cajun. I do like a Cajun slant to my, the way I talk. Yeah. Has anyone said your name in Cajun before? No, it's the first time. It felt good. Greg Fis-Hen. You like that?

Yeah, it's good. So you take out all the contents. Yeah. It's got a, like, it's kind of smooths your name out because Greg Fitzsimmons. It's sort of hard. Greg? How about that? Greg.

Yeah. It's hard. Very hard. But when you cajing it up and just go, yeah, it really like. Well, Harlan Williams is already caged up without even doing anything to it.

Yeah. Oh, William. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Sounds like hardware.

You know, that didn't sound so much cage and as it sounded mentally challenged. They're not the same thing. You should open a hardware store, Harlan Williams Hardware. Oh, wow. That would really attract people, I think. Oh, just the name?

Harlan Williams Hardware. Harland Hardware, yeah. Do you get overwhelmed? Like, you ever go to the Home Depot and you're like, I got to get some stuff and it's so big. Yeah. You start walking, wandering up and down the aisles and you almost get like sort of depressed and it's like, I got to get out of here.

It's over, I get overwhelmed. And it's a little bit like Pokemon Go because you're looking for the orange jackets because that's what's going to save you so you go up and down the or like Pac-Man you're going up and down the aisles right left and you're looking for the orange jackets to to get help to find out where the Phillips head screwdrivers are you know they're they're they're making them lefty now what do you mean and some old guy made that joke to me recently in the at the hospital they're making screwdrivers lefty yeah yeah because they're neutral right Well, I said to the guy, he was, I was in the emergency room with my daughter last week, and she's fine.

We thought she had appendicitis. And so we got to the emergency room at like 11 o'clock at night. By the way, nothing a good screwdriver can't fix. Right. Just. Or a vodka tonic. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So, oh, is she okay? Well, we get there, and it's like 11 o'clock at night. And it's, you realize why ER was on the air for so many years. There are stories everywhere. There's just, you know, this woman's in the corner and she's homeless and she's got, they gave her a plastic bag with a bagel in it and some, and some, and a, and a, and a, and a coat. And then you've got like a young woman coming in with a bandage on her head and, you know,

you've just got all these stories. Yeah. So we're there for like four hours and they're, they're X-Ranger and they're doing all this stuff for the appendicitis. And then they finally go, so what have you eaten today? And she's like, I just had like a little bit of. yogurt. What about yesterday? Well, at four in the morning, I had some Carl's Jr. I'm like, all right, we'll take the check. We'll head out now. Yeah. She just had a loaf. Yeah. Come on. You had to sit for four hours. Oh, and I can't imagine what the bill is going to be.

Are you kidding me? For a Carl's Jr. loaf. Yeah. Oh, God. And you had to sit across from Bagel Coatwoman. Yes. And a guy who was like 85 years old, sweetest, little old man. And he's walking back and forth. And they ordered a taxi for him, but it was a rainy night. It was during that rainstorm. Oh, wow. And so no taxis were coming.

And we were there for an hour. And this guy was, and I finally said to the guy, I go, I'll take you home. I go, where do you live? And he said, Culver City on Sepulveda and Pico or whatever. And I said, oh, by that hardware story, he goes, yeah, they're selling left-handed Phillips screwdrivers now. Wait, the Harland Hardware? Yeah.

Wow. So just so I'm clear, and so they're clear, my listeners, you offered a homeless guy a ride home. Yes. So what's wrong with that said? Something's not. I did not say he was homeless. What was he?

I said the lady with the bag was home. He was just a very old man who didn't have a car. So he was carless. He was carless. Okay. Yeah. But why didn't you offer the homeless lady a ride home. Or you could have just opened the door and she would have been home immediately.

Like you could have just held the door open and said, welcome home. Right. Right. Enjoy your bagel. Yes. Wait a minute. So last week was one of the craziest like weather systems on record in Los Angeles. Yeah. Like just it was almost hurricane like weather and rain and mudslides. And now you've got to trudge out into that because your daughter's got a Carl's junior loaf. That's right. Did you ask her at any point? Like, do you sure you just don't have to crack a loaf? No, we asked her and she had said that she did, she did drop a deuce that day.

That's how she put it? I don't remember her wordage. You want me to call her? Well, maybe later. Yeah. And so she said that she had, uh, she had moved to her, her bowels.

God, that sounds creepy. Moved your bowels. Yeah. It just feels like, Like I picture a moving truck with a slogan on the side. We will move your bowels, allied moving company. We're so good.

We'll even move your bowels. Moving bowels since 1968. We'll move your bedroom, your coffee table, and your bowels. I always pictured it when I was a kid the first time I heard move your bowels. I pictured a guy having a bowling pin coming out of his ass. I thought it was move your bowls. Oh, God. Yeah.

like a bowling pin you know we are close to west hollywood you probably might see some of that on a good saturday night if you hang around that er much longer you'll see might get a full strike yeah at least the guy picking up a spare yeah yeah um okay so you you checked in with her yeah and you asked her what no the doctor said what did you eat have you eaten and she said Carl's Jr. at like 3.30 in the morning. Wow. She's 20, so she goes out all night. And the doctor knew immediately it was just a loaf?

He didn't say that, but I said it. And then he said, you know, you look, what do I say he? It was a she. It was a female doctor. How did you mix that up? Because the orderly, the guy that brought her in at Dental Testing was a man. And he was very hostile. He had a lot of tattoos.

He had neck tattoos. Here's a lot about neck tattoos. When we were young, if you had a neck. tattoo you were unhirable you would not have a job at daytime it was it was only for jobs started at 10 o'clock at night that was a neck tattoo if you had a neck tattoo you weren't even out in in public because you were behind bars right right we didn't even see neck tattoos no wow and now now this guy's a caregiver is a caregiver which seemed so crazy to me and he was and he was hostile and he was well built like he goes to the gym a lot and I just thought

Maybe he's overcompensated because he was tired of being called a nurse and guys snickering when they said, oh, you're a nurse. It's tough to be in a gang when you're a nurse. Yep. You know, you're riding down in the low, right? Hey, Vartos, you want me to jack your colostomy bag, man? Hey, let me dress that wound there. I just did a drive-by.

Let me dress that bullet hole, Vartos. Hey, ese, put on the paper gown. Gang members in paper gown. And how do you get, you don't even have to do a drive-by. Just get a lighter and light it at the bottom and light them on fire. And the other guys are trying to blow them out like a birthday candle. S.A. And if it's a Mexican gang, they just fire up the leaf floors.

Oh, my God. Do you think that's how they put out birthday candles? They'll make flowers. With a leaf floor, the whole cake dripping down the wall. Make a wish, although we don't use a fucking leaf floor. That's my wish. My wish is that we don't hit the piñata with their rake. But wait, should I be so presumptuous?

Because when I hear neck tattoo, isn't that traditionally a Latino gang? Wasn't the Latino gangs? This guy was not Latino. What was he? he was a Caucasian I believe that was a white wannabe yeah that's why he was angry I don't I don't associate I guess there is a lot of Latinos with the neck tattoos but I see him on I see him on all kinds of people really because

traditionally when they first made an appearance and I'm not even trying to stereotype Latinos I literally in my mind the first time I think I ever saw them or had an association with them was seeing them on Latino like gang members or or Latino jailbirds. They had the MS-13s and the... Yeah. They're kind of intimidating. They are intimidating because it really shows that...

Well, you know the best is, you know, Jason Ellis, the radio... That's not how you drink a cell while broadcasting. Well, Daddy does. Did you not breastfeed as a child or something? I suck fed. You suck fed. You don't like that on your mom's nipple. Oh, my mom's nipple.

I was just like, and it worked for a while. And then one day I collapsed her forehead. I sucked so hard her forehead caved in and they had to get the bicycle pump and pump her back up again. Really? Yeah. Wow.

But wait, so I don't want to stereotype Latinos, but now I hear that it's a white dude who had the neck tattoo. Right, right. Which in my mind is sort of. the Hollywood poser type where they're not tough at all it's just instead of earning the stripes to be tough

they just get a tattoo and go oh now I'm tough or was this guy tough? Yeah but you're a guy that wears motorcycle boots and a leather jacket and you don't have a Harley I don't I have a Honda I have a Honda shadow well I had one I got rid of it recently

well then you got to get rid of the boots and the jacket it well maybe i'll get a neck tattoo and then we'll see how tough you are then funny guy why did you get rid of the motorcycle you know what i just stopped using it i was like i was riding it for years and years and years and i just sort of i went you know what i'm i had a good run with it yeah never got hit never got hit walk away on top walked away i almost spilled it once i hit an oil patch on laurel canyon going through the hills i was just cruising along summer day no water. I guess somebody's car just shitted out a little patch of oil.

And I'm just, and I hit it, and the whole bike just, and I was able to, I was able to grab it before it, but it just went wonky. And I almost went down. And I said, you know, I've had a good run. You know, I love it. And to be honest, this sounds stupid, but I hated wearing a helmet. Uh-huh. Two reasons.

I have no chin. Yeah. So they were constantly flying off. They would fly right off. I lost about 600 in a year. Yeah. And I just, the whole thing with a motorcycle for me was the wind in the hair, the freedom. And I know, oh, well, that's stupid.

You got to be safe. But it just, you know, we're in L.A. So half the time is boiling hot. Yeah. You're basically putting an incubator on your head. I'd take my helmet off and there'd be bird's eggs on my hair, like Osprey or like just was like an incubator head. That's not true. I don't even know I said that.

I feel like an idiot. Would you think about gluing hair to the outside of the? the helmet and then it would still fly around on the wind you can't feel the roots it's you know hair is very sensitive like if you ever have you ever like you gone like this in your nose and you can feel a nose hair yeah like that's how sensitive hair is you can you just little tiny hairs they feel everything they're great receptacles but but why did you use the example of your nose when you have a whole head of hair and a goatee why why talk about putting your finger in your nose well just on the tip of your nose when there's a big long nose hair hanging out and you go like

that you dingle it and you can feel it like you can feel the root of it up in your nose so that's i was using that as an example because you can feel the wind yeah yeah yeah yeah but didn't you feel it in your nose hair when you were riding the motorcycle i did feel that but i you didn't have to wear a nose helmet right but yeah i i'm i just so i i enjoyed it but i got i ended up getting rid of it Do you ride a bike? I used to have one. I had a dirt bike. Oh, they're a best.

I had a KDX-250 when I was a teenager. Did you get air? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We had this lot. We lived near a lake, and there was this big lot behind the lake, so the cops wouldn't come back there and bother you. And we had a big,

we had a, back of the days of Evil Caneval. So we had a long sloping jump, and we would go off it all day. That was fun. Oh, man. Get in air on a bike. Yeah. It's the best feeling in the world.

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. It really is. Okay, so we got to circle back. I want to know how this night ended with your daughter in the middle of a hurricane or the Carl's Jr. loaf. So you, you immediately kind of became the doctor. You just went, oh, God, as soon as you heard Carl's Jr., you knew the prognosis was a loaf. If she had said McDonald's, I would

have said, okay, could be a number of things. But when you say Carl's Jr., it's a loaf. It's just lays there. That is the lowest of all fast. Do you agree? That's the lowest of all fast food? I'm with you got. Yeah. Yeah. What would you say is the, give me the, your order of top to bottom fast food restaurants best first working down to Carl's oh man i think in and out burger's got to be the best burger one yes um then gosh i do like you ever go to shake shack's good yeah shake shack's good steak's good steak and shake is good not bad uh McDonald's is is good kind of for sentimental reasons because I think we all grew up on it, and especially as older kids,

it was the only really game in town when we were growing up. And to go to a McDonald's was a treat. They weren't on every corner. There was one in every community, but most people from their house to the nearest McDonald's could be seven, eight, nine miles. So when you win, it was like,

wow, we're going to McDonald's. So it's got a real sentimental player for me. I like Fat Burger. Fat burger is very good. Yeah, like when you want a real like, because they get raw, they get fresh beef.

They slap it on the grill right there. So I like Fat Burger. We used to go to McDonald's. I was a teenager. We'd go to McDonald's. And we had projects in our town. And the McDonald's was down in the projects. Oh, wow.

And so we would go down there and we would be high. We did a lot of drugs at a very young age. You did? Yeah. And then we used to go into the dumpster behind McDonald's because our friend worked there and he's like, you know, we throw all the burgers out every couple hours and we would go into the dumps and we'd get hot apple pies remember the old hot apple pies they looked like an egg roll oh yeah and they were filled with molten lava yeah they just burned

and even the crust was bubbling hard it had bubbles on it like like like like you have petrified molten lava like i think hawaii was built on the back of those fucking apple turnovers yeah it's the same kind of basic that was just that was the greatest so you ate out of the dumpster well we grabbed the stuff and then we would go up to the park and we would you know drink a drink an eight pack but just so i'm clear was out of the the food was out of the dumpster yeah okay big max quarter pounds with cheese fries and where did it come out of the dumpster remember that lady you saw at the er room with the bagel yeah are you comparing me to all this person i mean I mean, she might have been looking back at you and thinking the same thing, guy.

You're like, there's bagel coat lady. And she's like, there's dumpster McDonald's McGee over there. She's looking down on me. Yeah, definitely. Because she's got a bagel in a, you know, in a nice baggie. Dude. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. I used to dumpster dive as a kid. I loved picking garbage. Oh, you did. But I would never eat out of it. That's crossing the line. Well, it was only food in there. That's the thing.

Oh, yeah. But wait a minute. Was it one of these scenarios where you actually saw them? Oh, it's like, here he comes. It's the 15 minute mark. You see the guy open the door, throw it in, and then you get it? Or do you just wander up and go, gee, there's probably food in here? No, no, no.

We knew the schedule because our friend broke out. Okay. So we knew at 3 o'clock they got thrown out. Oh, wow. Yeah. How many would you eat in a setting? I'd have two. And they were warm.

And two hot apple pies. Well, the hot apple pies. I believe out of the restaurant would stay hot for upwards of six and seven hours. Oh, yeah. That's how hot they were. Yeah, the pioneers used to use them in the old days to warm their bands. That's right. Yeah.

Yeah. World War I, they used to launch them at the French. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Unreal. I think they used them on the front of ships to break ice up in the Arctic.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Unbelievable. No, they used to use them during break-ins for drug cartels. They'd break the front door down with them. With the apple pies? Oh, God. Rosefayish. Wow, that's, I don't think I've ever met anyone who dumpster dove and ate out of a McDonald's dumpster.

Yeah. Did you get the logs from doing that? You must have some. I never, I, I'd be honest with you, other than a short period of time where I was addicted to opioids, I never had constipation. Wait, wait, you're addicted to opioids? Well, just for about nine months. I got a shoulder surgery.

Okay. And this is back in the days where everybody would write scripts for opioids. And so I would get Vicodin and hydrocodone from different dyed. My general practitioner would write them. And then the surgeon was writing them. And then I think the PT guy was writing them. Dude, you were really addicted to opioids? Yeah.

What? How old were you? You know, this was probably eight years ago. What? Yeah. And it feels so good. I hate to tell people that because I don't want people to play with opioids. Like literally, I would say don't ever take one.

Because in truth, you can take Tylenol and you can meditate and you can deal with your pain. Yeah. Opioids are so addictive, but they feel amazing. Yeah, that's the thing. You ever watched that show, what's it called when they, when they, um, intervention. Yeah. And you see these drug addicts and they just. it's the best feeling in the world like everything bad goes away and it's such a tempting

door to walk through because you're like wait all my worries all my anxiety everything all your fear is gone but you can walk like you could i could just remember going to events that i didn't want to be at and taking one and i could talk to any like if you were there i could talk to you wow yeah anybody that you would normally avoid you can walk right up to and like we could have had like a long conversation yeah yeah but now you have to avoid me no I'm on opiates right now it's the only time I take them now just come here yeah I'm nodding out right now can I get you a hot apple pie what is it about Carl's junior did you think Carl also made really bad food or you think it's just his son yeah it might have been just his son

You wonder if Carl's going, you ruined it. Yeah. Like, I wonder if Carl was a really good cook and then Carl's Jr. They really, it really is not great. Now. It's sort of like, I think a lot of the Carl's juniors pops up in the towns that don't have the other franchises. Or you can tell a neighborhood, like you were saying earlier. You can tell a neighborhood by the fast food restaurants.

Is this a new thing? or you always do that? I've always. Didn't you notice that last time? I don't know. I don't remember things. But I think Jack in the Box is down there. Because I remember Kevin Meaney used to talk about Jack in the Box and pulling up and they go, you want the special sauce? And he's like, well, do you want the secret sauce? And he goes, what's in the secret sauce? And they go, it's a secret. They go, well, then you can keep the secret sauce. That guy was hilarious. He was the best.

He was literally, I don't know that I've ever laughed as hard at a human being than I did when he was on stage. Really? I only met him a couple of times. He was so funny. In person, he was fun. Was he? Yeah. He was one of my dearest friend.

He was in my wedding party. He was one of my groomsmen. He, how did, he died like about, what, about 12, 15 years ago? No, maybe about four or five. no yeah no it's more than that yeah it's about four years really yeah maybe five well how did it happen i forget a heart attack up in it he had a country house oh no so he's up there all alone and you know he was missing and nobody knew what oh no it was very sad but i'm very close with his wife and daughter we talk all the time and oh man yeah he was he was the best he was hilarious oh my god

i mean if you if you're not familiar with kevin meany your audience just go to youtube yeah And look at some of his appearances on the Johnny Carson show. And especially watch We Are the World. Oh, yeah. His We Are The World was just such a killer closer. Yeah. You know who did that first, though, was André Philip Gagnon. Have you ever seen his We Are the World?

Really? Canadian impersonator. No kidding. He went on Johnny Carson and sang, We Are the World, and he did every voice. Before Kevin meaning? Before Kevin. And it was a mind-blower.

like the guy he did it on just for laughs and he did it on the tonight show and he did it on the tonight show and it made him a star but he did all the voices yeah because kevin just lip synced it he didn't actually sing yeah but this guy andre philip ganon he does every voice including the women's voices he does the women he does michael jackson he does the boss he does everyone it's it's a mindblower made him famous i want to see that um check it out but i was gonna tell you buddy because i've been i've been dealing with a little you're talking about the hospital. Sure. I've been dealing with a little bit of trauma. Yesterday, I was flying and I got molested and I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it and I need to get it out. Really? Yeah. Oh my God. Like full on molested. Jesus. And so I wanted to vent a little and maybe you can talk me down, talk me through it. So you didn't push that light on your seat that says no moleste? No, no. No. It It was before I got on the flight. I went through the thing, okay? We go through the security check, right, right, right.

So we fly a lot, me and you. We do gigs all the time. Well, no, I mean, you go and I go. We don't. We don't go together. Right, but we in our profession, fly a lot. Yeah. And so we try to do things to make that part of the journey easy, more efficient, quicker, expedite

ourselves through. So I've got pre-check, which is the TSA, TSA pre-check, and there's this other thing called Clear, which is even one step above. Now, do you have to go to Scientology for that to get clear? I've already done that, dude. I've been to Scientologist for years. I love science. Marine biology, can't get enough of it.

At night, I rub C cucumber, sea itching all over my naked body. I'm a true Scientologist now. Imagine if that's what Scientology was. They just loved science. It's biology. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the crept cycle. Yeah, you walk in.

How's your anatomy today, fellow? Seen any good petri dishes lately? Yeah. Oh, sorry, but you got molested. So I got molested. So are you a member of the clear? Do you do the clear thing? No, I do TSA, but I don't have the clear.

Do clear. It's weird. It's weird. This is so selfish. I actually stop telling people about Clear because it's so good. Yeah. Why is it better than TSA? So it's cheap as hell.

Yeah. It's like people think it's this big thing. I think it's like $130 for a year. Yeah. You go to Clear, okay? Not every airport has it, but most of the major ones do. You show up a Clear, an attendant takes you, they scan your eyes, and then attendant walks you to the front of the line in front of everyone.

Everyone just watches you go. And the guards at the line, they just go clear and they go through. They don't even ask for your ID. So it's a whole other level. Wow. So I've got clear and TSA, right? Yeah. So I just, I get through an airport in like two minutes with this thing.

Plus you're white. I am. So white. Me? It doesn't get whiter than Canadian, does it? Well, thank you. wait so once in all so you get the clear so i got the clear so here's the thing with clear and tsa the whole thing is you go up and out of your way to send in documentation to the government right

so that you're cleared you're not a threat you don't have any violent history or not on a no fly list any of that that the whole reason it's called clear and pre-check so you go through all the x-rays and all the bullshit yeah so i have this thing, but now they have this thing where you'll go through it and it goes, beep, beep, and you're like, wait, I'm going, oh, you've been randomly selected. And I'm going, what's the point of me having clear and pre-check and anything else if I'm going to be subjected to this? And it happens more than you think. So yesterday, I'm going through the airport. Where are you coming from? I'm in Florida. And I'm going, no, I'm in, I'm in Dallas. I'm in Dallas. I'm in Dallas coming

back to L.A. Second biggest airport in the world. Yeah. DFW. No, but wait a minute. Sorry, I had to transfer. I was in Florida,

then to Dallas, and then home. So I started off in Dallas, in Tallahassee, which is a small airport. Sure. And I go through, beep,

beep, and the guy, go, you've been randomly selected. And I said to him, I was irritated. I go, dude, I'm pre-checked and clear.

Like, isn't the whole, reason I did that to avoid this and you go sorry sir you got to do it so I go through again I've already been through the first x-ray now I've got to get into the big one the human juicer with the blade that you'll pretend you're about to be hit by a truck and you got to stand in the same footprints in your socks yeah everybody else has yeah you're getting fungus on your feet you get athletes foot just going to Cleveland yep it's unbelievable bro yeah so so now I go through this thing I walk through and when you do pre-checking

clear you can leave your belt on you can leave your computer in your bag you can leave your shoes on everything so i go through the thing it goes oh your belt buckle is uh you know it flashed i go of course it did it's a belt buckle so he goes i've got to do a check of your groin so i'm not even kidding pretend this is my groin the guy goes sir i just want you know i got to check your groin and your inner thighs and i go really dude and before i could even kind of put up an argument he literally takes his hand and rubs it hard on the front and then with the back of his hand he goes back and forth on my meat and then goes up and down on my meat and then goes on my inner thighs and up and around and I'm sitting there literally I'm fucking going into the red zone going I just got like

violated that's crazy like what right does this guy to have if I was just walking down the street in A random guy just said, hey, can I touch your groin? I'd be like, are you crazy? Right. So I'm going through an airport. Yeah. And some random human, I don't even know. One second, I'm just walking.

Now some guy I've never met is literally rubbing my groin. How did you feel? How did that make you feel? I was furious. Yeah. I literally felt violent. My media went, I'm going to sue these people. Yeah. Yeah.

You think they have that on camera? I bet you could, you should say, I want. you to look at the footage of this guy examining because that is really because I had heard they take the back of their hand and they go near it but I've never heard of them making contact this guy was right over it on both sides of the hand up and down and I literally felt like physically violent like sexually assaulted right and it's not so much that he did it to me specifically but the fact that they have the right to do that right right like at what point when you see a belt buckle do you go oh there's a belt buckle there must be a bomb or a machine gun in his pants

yeah and did he did he play loo rolls or dim the lights or anything or did he just go straight in i'm sorry i'm sorry you were no okay i'll be i'll be honest um when i went when i flew back that night we went to uh ruth chris steakhouse candle it uh table in the corn corner. Wow. And they didn't play Lou Rawls, but they played some air supply and we slow danced right by the salad bar. Wow. Yeah. Did you meet his parents that night? I did. They were there over at the other table. They were like toasting us and it's unbelievable. Yeah. Oh, things really went to the next level. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know why I'm so mad that you break it down for me. Right. Have you ever had that though? Or they like, I've had, well. You ever been molested? You ever been molested?

You look like you have. I was not molested as a child as far as I know. I mean, I could have a suppressed memory, but the ones, the memories I have don't include that. Okay, good. But don't forget you were on opium and eating out of a dumpster.

There wasn't opium. It was opiates. Well, same sounding word. No, opium is like Sherlock Holmes or like Chinese, you know. Opium is sort of like it's opiates,

but you add the yum on the end because they're so good as you and tested so it's opium yum so you were molested no I was not but but I do get my prostate exam with my doctor and I honestly believe and I talked to a couple guys last night who said they no longer need to do that because with the blood test they can now tell if your prostate is swollen and that and my doctor continues to do it and when he He goes in, he goes in all the way to the knuckle, and then he wiggles it around, and he leaves it in for a while. Like he's dialing a rotary phone?

Yes. And the worst part is the last time he did it, he was squeezing both my shoulders really hard while he did it. Is there any Lou Rawls playing or Candle? Bill Withers. Where's parents there? In the corner. Bingo, were you wearing a belt? Not for long.

Not around my waist. Welcome to the club guy. Jesus. Are there meetings for us? There's meat. The Ings will come later. Is there yum? Yeah.

There's a little yum in there. There's bum. Yum, bum. Come. Oh, too far. I forgot. I forgot about your podcast as limits. real. Oh, yeah. So you still do that? Or did you tell him no more?

My last inspection was about a year ago. And I think when I go in this time, I'm going to, I'm going to request that he not do that. You know what? He does it. And then I'm sad for like two days. Why? I don't know. I can't explain it. But I get really bummed out and sad and confused for like two or three days. Yeah, it's weird when you think about people who enter the medical profession. Yeah. And it's such sort of an elite place to be. You know, doctors are, you know, schooled, they're educated, they're smart people. They put in a lot of time and cut to having to stick your finger in a complete stranger's bum. Yeah. Like, yet he's wearing a white coat and there's a degree on the wall. I think I'd rather be a garbage man throwing people's

trash away every day, then some guy named Larry walks in, and I just get my finger and put it in his bum. And you don't know if Larry showered before he came. You don't know if he moved his bowels, perhaps that morning. You don't know if he had lunch at Carl's Jr. even. Yeah. It's just so weird. I think if somebody was going to come into my office and I was a doctor, I would go out to

the parking lot and I would look for Carl's Jr. rappers in the car before I did it. Yeah. Because you could unleash something. It's almost like you could uncork. Yeah. And then there could be a disaster in your office. When he did it, when he does it, it's a yearly thing? Yearly.

Is it in his office or are you in an examination room? No, it's at his apartment. He's got to place in Marina del Rey. Balcony? That's what he calls it, yeah. God, nothing like having a finger up your house during a California sunset. that, wow, the seagulls flying through the pink sun and yoy, it's almost like a seagull call. They all look over.

Yeah. Getting your ass reamed there, buddy. And they dive, they dive for a mackerel, and you just watch, finger wiggling up your ass. It's like he's waving at them through your bum. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sometimes it comes out your mouth and he just goes like that and fly in. and have a snack.

I think it's a worm. Oh, God. Yeah. Brose. God. I only did that once. The prostate exam? Yep.

Oh, you should. You really, well, now you don't have to. You can get the blood test, but you should be checked yearly because if they catch it early, then prostate cancer is not a big deal. But if they miss it, you can die really fast. But see, here's where I don't get it. And I'm not a doctor. Maybe you can explain it to me.

You've done it every year. How does sticking your finger in someone's bum and wiggling around help you know if there's cancer? Well, I think that they can touch your prostate and they can feel if it's enlarged. Oh, that's what it is? But, and not to throw that word around lightly, when they push down, and I'm not making this up, sometimes you ejaculate a little bit of semen. And when they are trying to get a semen sample from a man, they will do the prostate and push down

and then you will expel it from your penis. And you're only doing this once a year? He's pretty booked up. He's very popular. Wow. Would you do it? Could you do that kind of work? To somebody?

Yeah. Well, you wear a glove. You're not going in there with your fingernail. You're not coming out of it. dirty finger. I don't care if you've got a baseball mitt on. You're putting your hand up a guy's ass. Could you do it?

The baseball mitt is a good idea because if they do then defecate, you can catch it. Yeah. Right in the old breadbasket, the loaf. Yep. Get that loaf in the old bread basket. But I don't think I'd do it with an abestos welder's glove. Like I just, I don't think I could do it if I was Ben Grimm the thing. Yeah.

Like with that rock. hand. I don't, if I was Iron Man, I don't think I could do it. Yeah. So, so you don't enjoy if a woman does that to you. Is your doctor a woman? No. No, I don't enjoy it. Maybe if a woman did it. Yeah. Then it's more of a date. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. Then you turn your head around. Yeah. And look them in the eye. Then it's like a night out on Tinder or a night out on Bumble. Sure. Bumble. Fumble in my Bumble. Yeah, stumble. That's the app for old people.

Stumble? Stumble. Stumble. I've fallen, I can't get up. com. God. Have you noticed as you get older, your balance going a little? Oh, hell, especially in the morning.

When I walk to the bathroom in the morning, I feel like I'm on the moon. Really? I'm just back and forth. Like a baby deer, just like, you know. Like, where's that fucking toilet? Really? Yeah, it's like I'm drunk. It's crazy.

Oh, wow. Like a one-year-old. Yeah. A drunken one-year-old. Oh, God. Wild. Yeah. Do you get it all day or just in the morning?

No, but I just noticed as I'm getting a little bit older, like every now and then the balance goes a little like you're just like, oh, why did I sort of have a little wobble there? Yeah. That never would have happened before. Yeah. Did you feel the earthquake last week? I was away. Oh. Oh, it was good.

Was it a good one? Yeah, it was pretty good. It was like, I was in my office. You've been in my office, right, in Santa Monica? Yeah, I did your podcast there once. Yeah, so it felt like there was somebody drumming, like, really hard on the wall for a while. It was like, it was like. Like that.

How was it? I'm getting sort of a sense of it, but I'm not sure. Maybe just. Oh, my God, that's terrifying. No, people were dancing. Oh, it was like a beat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like a funk. Like a George Clinton thing.

Oh, it was like a disco quake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Isn't that be funny if you're walking on the street and there's an earthquake and everybody just started dancing. You open the door, Casey and the sunshine band are on your driveway. Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake your booty. Shake your booty. oh dude isn't it good to laugh do you have a moment in your life when you were a kid that you can remember

a time when you just laughed uncontrollably like was there ever a moment with your buddies where you you you thought it would even almost kill you it was like one of those laughs that just you it wouldn't stop yeah and then one of your buddies or something you saw it would happen again and then you think i can't laugh anymore and then it just yeah it's like the best feeling of that you're the world. Do you remember any of those? I remember me and my brother, he's 13 months older than me. So we spent a lot of time together and we laughed a lot. I just said a year. Irish twins, that's what they call it when you're a year apart. Yeah. And so my mother

used to yell at us a lot and we were upstairs and we used to play Nerf basketball but it was full contact. Like one guy would just run to the hoop and the other guy would try to tackle him and you try to put it in. And so we were playing that and she started yelling at us but she was yelling and he was at the top of the stairs and she was at the bottom of the stairs and i was laying down so she couldn't see me so i loved that he was really getting it you know and she was screaming at him and i'm fucking laughing i'm dying like this is the best and then he starts to he starts to grin and he's trying to hold it back but which is the best oh yeah when you're not allowed to laugh oh it's gonna say that yeah so he can't laugh and then

she goes what are you giggling at mr snicker face and then I thought that was it. The two of us fell down on the ground and it went on until my stomach was cramping and you can't breathe. Yeah. Isn't it the best? Mr. Snicker face. Oh, wow.

And she was only like five foot two. But she was from the Bronx and she was very tough and we were afraid. She's a slap us just randomly. You're scared of her. That was the beauty of it because you knew suddenly it was forbidden. Yeah. And so that made. you somehow you had to suppress it.

Yeah. And that made it all the more wonderful to do it because you knew you weren't allowed. But then your brain was kind of going, well, how can I be disciplined for something so utterly joyous? Yeah. So you almost knew they can't spank me for laughing. Laughter is joy. Laughter is a beautiful.

They're not going to, what are they going to hit me for this? I had a very similar one when we were driving one time. We were on a long drive. and me and my cousins were in the back seat. Yeah. And we started giggling at something. And it wasn't that funny. Yeah. But it annoyed my aunt who was sitting up front.

She goes, well, you children stop laughing. And so that ratcheted up a notch. And then it got so ridiculous. She said, if you don't stop laughing, I'm pulling over the car and you're walking home. And then it was like, we were just like buckled over wheezing. It's like Mary Tyler Moore, which is top three sitcoms in history. And the number one episode was when there was a clown and he got hit by a truck. And so they were reading the news and they started laughing.

So they went to the funeral. And they were at the funeral of a clown that had been run over and they weren't allowed to laugh. And Mary Tyler Moore trying not to laugh at the clown funeral is one of the greatest moments in television history. Yeah. Yeah. I had another one where I was when I was older and I was older. I'll ask you the same question, but I had one when I was like a full grown adult. Like this was in my, I think it was in my 40s or something or like late 30s. And I was up in Toronto and me and my buddy had done a gig and we wanted to go to a strip joint.

Yeah. So we got in a cab and I just had the, there used to be this thing. It was like a little plastic jar and it had this putty in it. And you'd push the putty and it would make the air escape. and it sounded like the best farts you've ever heard, like the most realistic farts. And they're loud and you could, they were long and they're,

so we're sitting in the back of the cab and we had some, it was a foreign guy, some, I don't know where he was from, but it was a foreign guy in the front drive in the cab. And we're sitting in the back.

And we're just talking and I put, it's like, right? And you just see they go, oh, what the hell? Like that. And we realized he thought it was real.

So then we just kept, and I just kept doing, it and the fucking guy of knock he got so mad he rolled down all the windows and he literally was driving and he stuck his head out of the window that was driving and he went right up on the curve because he couldn't he didn't know where he was going and we were buckled over dying dying like tears he was so and he's what what was funny is he kept driving us yeah that's what made us laugh is he didn't pull over right he had job to do he did all these evasive maneuvers and To see him with his head out the window like a dog sticking his head out the window.

And he was a livid. He was so incensed. I guess maybe in Europe to fart in front of someone who's even like sacrilege or something. And you just kept doing it. Oh, we did it. And we were, you know, just when you thought we can't do it anymore because the guy, he's so mad. Yeah. And then you just go, you know what?

Fuck it. And we, and like, oh, just gold. I had a story. me and Dana Gould, who's the best. Oh, yeah, Dana, yeah. Dana, yeah, he's clever, that guy. I'm telling you, probably about 20 years ago, we were co-headlining the San Francisco Punch Line together.

Oh, yeah. So they send us off to a radio interview in the morning. It's like, you know, 7 o'clock in the morning, and we get up, and we do this radio interview, and we come back, and we get into a taxi to take us back to the hotel. Yeah. And we're talking to the taxi driver, and he's like an east, European dude and we're no no no no he was a Middle Eastern guy and uh we're driving back

and we're talking to him and you know we're kind of clicking and we're having fun and then so we pull up to the hotel and I go uh I guess you uh you want to come up and uh party with us you want to come hang out me and my friend and he's like what I go you know just three of us we'll come up to my room and no no no no no and we get out of the cab and we couldn't stop laughing we just Dana just did not expect that and we that was one of those times we just couldn't stop yeah and at the end of the weekend he gave me a graphic novel that he found in a bookstore that was called Hollywood homo that was the title of the book and I have it on my bookshelf to this day wow I know man people it's just I'll tell you my last one

is we were out, I was out with this kid. I used to work up at this camp. Yeah. And we were at this camp and I think it was about 17. And there was always, there's always the fat kid at the camp. Of course. Yeah. Place catcher.

Yeah. And so we decided to go out canoeing. And so this kid obviously with his weight, it made it a little precarious, a little awkward. And obviously the kid liked to eat. So we went out, we had a fishing rod and we get way out there on the lake and we start fishing. and up in Canada when I was growing up they used to have these craft cheese commercials

where it was like they were, you know, it was before the days of like clever advertising where everything was humorous and catchy. It was just a guy and he had this sort of real monotone voice and he'd go, you know, they'd show the cheese and go, craft cheese, take a casserole and sprinkle craft cheese over the top. With the craft cheese, you make a craft cheese casserole

like really like these really dry recipes so we get out there and then just for some reason I said imagine if I hooked into the guy from the craft cheese recipes and started reeling him up and as we're reeling him up it's this guy in his suit and as his face breaks the water he's like and another delicious craft cheese it was the dumbest thing but we lost it so hard dude I'm not kidding the whole canoe started shaking the fat guy was just out of until we were dying like tears we almost tripped over and i swear we would have drowned in that lay it's just like the weirdest thing make you laugh that would be a great anime you should do a little animated short of that oh god i had my uh my friend matt maloy who you might know him he's an

actor yeah so when i came out i came up for i was living in new york it was probably like 1998. Yeah. And it was the year of the El Nino. And so it's rainy. And so I come out and I'm here for pilot season. So like, you know, I'm getting no luck. I'm going out on auditions. I don't know how to act. And it's awful. But then I get a, I get a private gig in New York at this restaurant. It was like a, it was like a good amount of my, back then I didn't, you know, I didn't make a ton of money. So it was like, I don't know, I was getting like $3,000. And I was very excited. Yeah. And so. So my girlfriend, who's my wife now.

Oh, really? Does she know about this? No, I'm going to pop the question this week. She doesn't know that you have a girlfriend and it's her? No. Dude, you better clean that up. Well, also, when she finds out that she's my wife, she's going to wonder about this girlfriend that I have.

Dude, this is getting messy. Yeah. Dude, clean it up, dude. You don't want your wife to leave you for the girlfriend. No. Because then you'll be stuck with the wife. That's right. So she's back in New York at the apartment.

With your wife? And so, and they're starting to catch on. Okay. And so we had just bought an apartment. And so. The wife? No, the girlfriend. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So. But she wouldn't, she's going to be the wife. She will someday be the wife. But at this point, she's the girlfriend. She's just the girlfriend.

Girlfriend. Does she know she's going to be the wife? No idea. Well, I think she has an inkling. Okay. So now you have to tell her about the girlfriend. Yes. Wow. Okay. The relationships are not easy, but keep going. And so I fly in and we got this apartment and then, uh, you flew in because it was pilot season? No, I flew in. I was leaving pilot season in L.A. to go to New York to do this private gig at a restaurant for $3,000. Sounds like a lot of flying going on during pilot season. that's right and so we go out

during the day I'm so happy to see her because I'm miserable and we're walking down the street and we get to Jennifer convertibles and we go inside and I said you know what

I just made a shitload of mine let's buy a fucking new couch and we look around and we pick out the fabric and you can customize it I got the you know the piping and I got the cushions different colors

and the pillows and order the whole thing. So you're going to put a couch in the front of your convertible? It didn't come with a seat? Well, it's a big car. Okay. Yeah. And so I go back to L.A. and I'm staying with my friend Matt Malloy. And I go, he goes, how was New York?

I go, it was great. The gig turned out to be really fun. Yeah. I got the money and I said, and I went out and me and Aaron bought a couch. I bought a brand new couch. I said, you know, it was like, yeah, the, piping and I got the cushions different colors and pillows and he goes wow how much how much did you pay for that and I go uh it was like a $1,200 and he goes dude that's amazing usually for

$1,200. All you can get is like some piece of shit from Jennifer convertibles and there was a pause where he looked at my face and he saw the sadness and then he realized that I got it from Jennifer convertibles and it was it was 15 minutes like we didn't even say another word we just played that out just the moment was so did you at that moment though immediately go because obviously he dropped you down a notch in the snack bracket right you thought you were buying the elite felt like a big deal so did you immediately go oh shit i wonder if my future ex-wife slash girlfriend knows that I bought the shitty couch at the place. Was she in on it?

I, at that time, she was my girlfriend, so I felt like for a girlfriend, that's a perfectly good couch. It's all she deserves. Now, if she told my wife that I had bought a couch for $1,200, as a wife, I think she would have been very let down. Put it was stayed the girlfriend probably. Right. Got it. Yeah. Speaking of money and gigs and writing.

Sure. I always wanted to ask you this because you're a writer. You've been here before we talked about your book. We've talked about you writing on Ellen. We've talked about all your writing. Yeah. I always wanted to ask you this, what's the one thing that you haven't written yet that you want to write?

Like if someone said here's a million dollars, you have six months, to write the novel you've always wanted to write. What would it be about? What's the story you always sort of played with or wanted to write? Or even the area, the genre, the topic, is there something? I always wanted to write a big comedy, you know, something that appeal to a lot of people.

Like, to me, the Blues Brothers and Stripes and... Okay, so a movie. Yeah, I'd like to write a movie and the plot of the movie. is that you're at the MTV Music Awards and there's two managers backstage and one is like a Shug Knight kind of, he represents hip-hop guys, he's dangerous.

And the other guy is kind of like a Dave Becky character. Dave, yeah. You know, he's a big, powerful guy. And, you know, and they've both got clients that are on this show. And so they start having this kind of big dick contest where one goes, I'm a better manager, I'm a better manager.

He goes, hey, how about this? who make a bet, $1 million, I give you my worst client, you give me your worst client, and in a year, whichever one is more successful, that guy wins a million dollars. Right. So now the Dave Becky character, he's got this lesbian folk singer that's his niece that he's doing as a favor, and she's just, it's not working. He doesn't know what to do with her. You can say it, Jewel.

It's Jewel, and she's in a van. Yeah. And that's the hard thing because you can't get in touch with her. There's no phones in advance. Yeah. And then the Shug Night guy has this gangster rapper that even he, he's afraid of him. He's a fucking dangerous character.

Yeah. And so. Like a violent guy. Oh, yeah. He's like a gun. He's in a gang. Yeah. Okay.

So they give each other those clients. And then you watch Dave Becky try to take this guy and put him into, you know, the rock venues and opening for, you know, a three dog night. Wow. And then you see the gangster rapper with this. folk singer and he's putting her up at his you know nightclubs where there's black acts going up and it's very aggressive and she's dying and so uh it's a fish out of double fish out of water scenario and then eventually the the the black rapper and the folk singers see each other

and they have this like kinship where he loves her writing her storytelling he's profound oh i see she says he's his charisma and says this guy's on belay i wish i could do that on stage and they form this weird tenuous friendship and they start to get to know each other and then they start doing a thing called folk rap where they work together and it becomes huge and meanwhile the managers are both ignoring their other clients because they're so obsessed with this bet that people are leaving them and this is all they got left now is this one client and at the end they have a hit and then they find out that there was a bet going on and that they were given away by their managers because they didn't like and so they go on the MTV Music Awards they win best album

and they fire both their managers from the stage live yeah this is like almost like a star is born there's elements of a star is born in a whole different kind of or trading places yeah yeah yeah okay so now the question is why haven't you written that it's a great idea do you like it yeah i think it's really great yeah and think about the casting think about finding like a really cool folks are a really great rapper and well just also bringing the element of music in current music like and and when do those two genres of music ever meet right right dude i mean i'm asking for real why haven't you written that or will you ever write that do you think um i'd like to write it but i think i need to find i need to find a talent first and i need to write it

with them. I want them to be enlisted in the creative process. What about, because I'm going to be honest, that sounds like an excuse to me. I think you're probably right. I should write it. I think you should write it. And you bring talent to it. And talent goes, I love this rap character. I can relate to, but let's now adjust it to who I am. If I'm 50 cent, let's take what you did. Keep the structure of the script. But now let's do it in my voice. Right. Because I think if you wait around and go, gee, I'm waiting for the talent.

Yeah. Well, what talent's going to show up for something that doesn't exist? Yeah. I think you've got to get on it, guy. I'm good at co-writing projects. So I do think that I'd like to find somebody to write it with. Maybe a country writer. I think a black writer.

A rap writer. Yeah. Yeah. Funny, but not the country writer. I've written on a ton of black shows. That for some reason is my niche in show business. Really? Yeah, I wrote for Cedric the Entertainment.

I wrote for Patrice, I wrote for Jamie Fox, Wanda Sykes. I don't know why, but like once you get one job writing for a certain type of show, the industry just thinks that I'm the guy who writes up. Oh, yeah. When I look at you, I see Black all over you. That's what's so crazy about it is I'm not even like a big fan of R&B and hip hop. Yeah. And I look at you and you're this close to being like a hip-hop like ER gang member.

That's crazy, I know. That's hilarious. That's what happens. So anyway, I've gotten to know a lot of really great black writers, and I think I need to get one of them, because also it's very sensitive in Hollywood right now as a white writer to write a black part. You know what, though? I would submit to you, fuck that.

Yeah. Forget that. Because see, that someone else, what you just said is it's difficult to do it because someone else might call seem say that it's racist or it's culturally inappropriate but that's them saying right in my when i see artists when i see creative i say you do it yeah you're not a racist you know you're not a racist you know you love all people so you just write for people it's like scorsesee with killers of the flower moon they wrote a native american movie that was respectful and was yeah amazing you do your best you're not going to be perfect but are you going to tell a black person

not to write a white story they're going to tell an asian person not to write a white story. Right. All that stuff is just noise. Yeah. And so what we're doing here today is we're knocking down a lot of these barriers that are holding you back. I like it.

You should just do it. I think you're 100% right. And there's no harm or foul. Try it. Right. Write it. Try it. And then see how it goes.

Think about it. I'm going to put a challenge to you because I usually have you on the show about every five to six months. Yeah. I'm going to just throw this out. Here's a creative challenge. Okay. Next time you're back.

A spec script is 100 pages, somewhere in six months. How about an outline, a very detailed outline, that's like 10, 20 pages, 20 pages. No, I'm going to stick with, I'm going to say spec script. Really? A hundred pages. Think about it. All right, nobody sees it but you. That's my challenge.

You're the only person. I'm pushing you. I'm pushing you to do this as a friend. I accept your challenge. Okay. Yeah. Wow. Okay.

I love it. I hope you do it. And if you don't do it, I'm not going to be, I'm not going to look down on. I'm not going to, but I think sometimes you need someone to kind of push your gears and motivate you. Right. And so I'm hoping that you step up to the challenge, you deliver, and at the end of it, you have something beautiful, and it turns into something because nothing from nothing equals nothing. Yeah, it's true. And, you know, when you have something to do, I just feel better about myself.

That's right. myself better. I have a sense of purpose. I find that when I've got a project that's hanging over me that I'm, you know, chipping away at, I can do other things. I find all of a sudden I'm writing more stand-up. I'm, I don't know, I'm more present. Because your confidence clicks in. You realize you're doing something. You're applying. You see that what you're writing is flowing, that it's good. And you're like, well, so is everything else. If I can come up with this, I can come up with other things. Now, that being said, I'm not going to pressure you. I'm not even going to bring it up.

If I see you at the clubs, I'm not going to, because no one needs that. That's too much. But next time you come back, I am going to ask you if you've done it. And if you haven't, I won't be mad, but I hope you do. Okay. When you think about all that time, we talked about it earlier, you know, you think about the time you spend on TikTok or the time you spend three hours watching the Super Bowl. How many pages of that script could you have written in three hours?

probably eight or nine. Yeah. And now you've only got 85 to go. Yeah. And also, now that I've put it out there, somebody else might write this, so I better hurry up and write it. Yeah.

And if you believe in it, if you love it, and, you know, someone even hearing this might go, you know what? I like Greg's idea. I'm going to get in touch with that cat. But anyways, it's just me saying, hey, go for it, dude. I like it.

I like it. All right. Let's get down to our final segment, buddy. Jesus, are you serious? I know. That's how fast it goes. when you're talking about loafs in the ER. Well, we still got this.

All right. Words from a wooden show. You remember this. You're reaching here, buddy. You pull out a word and see if there's a story from your journey anywhere that you can share with my seven or eight viewers and see what that comes up. Most exotic place.

Oh, here we go. Here we glow. Most exotic place. It could be geographical. It could be a faraway place. It could be a hotel room. It could be anything. Yeah.

A jungle, a forest, a building. I mean, jungle, definitely when you think exotic, you immediately think jungle. But for you, what is it? Could be your doctor's office with you bent over the printer. That was exotic. Yeah. It was erotic, not exotic. Yeah.

Sometimes those words are real close, just like two butt cheeks squished together. Most exotic place. Okay. Here we go. On my honeymoon. With your girlfriend or your wife? Had just recently broken up with my girlfriend and gotten married. For your wife?

Yes. So both of them were there. No, I broke up with the girlfriend because I was married and I felt that my wife would resent. I think she'd resent. I mean, who knows? People have different kind of arranges. Didn't you say your girlfriend became your wife? Yes.

So they were both there, a guy. No. You can't have a girlfriend and a wife. Well, tell that to most of the people here in Hollywood. Charlie Sheen, yeah. Okay. So we go on a honeymoon to Bali in Indonesia. Yeah, I've been there.

Have you been there? It's pretty amazing. I think it might be my favorite place in the world. Wow. And we get there, and it's super cheap. We're staying at the four seasons in Jimberon Bay. called. Oh, he's great. And yeah, Jim. And we get there and we stay the first three or four nights in this fancy five-star hotel where we have our own cabana and the cabana has a pool outside of it.

And then there is all this beautiful outdoor furniture and they have somebody who's just for you who waits outside and you ring a bell and they'll come in and they'll bring you food and they'll do anything. And so we're just a enjoying that and then we said all right let's go see the country and so we we get we hire a driver and the drivers all everybody there has the same name in in in Bali what is it I can't remember it's like John or I don't know somebody should email you and tell you in in by like because the family name like they all have they all from the same family and say this wait wait wait every person there has the same name yeah yeah and You can't remember it.

You called everyone the exact same name. And you can't remember calling 80 people the same name. Okay. I want to get some pills going, bro. I'm going to get back on the... Ripe will flavin or whatever it was. So we get in the car with this guy. Let's say it's Tom.

And we get it. And he's got a van. He's got a minivan. And he drives us and we go to Abood. which is like the artistic center. It's like all artists. Yeah. And, you know, it's Hindu.

It's Hindu. So there's different casts in the Hindu faith. Yeah. And it goes from the Brahmins, which are the upper caste, and it goes down. And one of the higher cast is actually the artist class, artisans, which we would be considered artists as performers. And so they live in a boud, and they just sit around and they make art. And we've got Balinese art all over our house.

We bought so much art when we were there. Wow. The wooden stuff, like antique statues and carvings and things. And, you know, picture frames that are just the most ornate wooden carvings. Yeah, yeah. And so we spent a lot of time there and then we drive down to, I forget the name of the town, but a monsoon hit. It was crazy. And we were paying this driver $10 a day.

And he would drive us from town to town. So we'd drive two hours. Yeah. And we went to the first one, he dropped us off. We go, all right, thanks a lot. We gave him the 10 bucks. He goes, no, no, no, no, you pay me at the end. I'm like, well, yeah, we're here.

And he's like, no, no, no, no, no. I stay with you. So we realize it like, we're going to be there for 10 more days. Yeah. And he's just going to, he just sleeps in his van. And then he drives us to the next town the next day. Wonderful. It's amazing.

Yeah. And so we get to this one town and there's a monsoon. And the hotel we were supposed to stay in was like, like flooded and we couldn't stay there and the roads were flooded and so there must have been tombs everywhere there was a lot of toms just floating by yeah tom mccan tom carvel wow yeah tom yeah was there everyone was named yeah yeah wow okay so the can yeah you said him yeah did I yeah you said him but you forgot and but you forgot every guy's name a lot of tom so monsoon hits so we stayed in Tom's van with him overnight.

No. In a monsoon. Yeah. What did that smell like? Not good. Yeah. Not good. Oh, that had to smell like Hershey's chocolate bars and like crocs.

Yeah. Armenian crocs. Yeah. And, yeah, a lot of rice. It smelled like rice. Wow. Yeah. Brown or white?

It was brown. Racist. Yeah. Wow. How long were you in the van? Just overnight, then we got out the next day. Imagine you got out and there was a bumper sticker on the back that said if this van's a rock and don't bother knocking.

Then you'll remember his name. Oh, dude. He patted me down. He said he was from clear. It was weird. He said he's got the back of his hand working all over me. He's like, Tom, what's wrong with? At the front.

I got to tell you the funniest Bally story. Bally. Well, it's my show. Okay. Is it Bolly? What did I say? You said Bally. Like it was the shoes.

The casino. Yeah. So I go to Bally with my sister. Nice. My older sister, Megan, and she loved that movie, Eat, Pray, Love. Uh-huh. So there's a very memorable scene in Eat, Pray, Love, where Julia Roberts, goes to Bali, and she's trying to find herself.

She's empty. She's left New York. She feels soulless. And there's like a shaman or a soothsayer or some kind of spiritual guru guy. There's a lot of them there. It's a guru. Guru. What did I say?

You said guru. Well, it's my show. I'm not saying things the way I want. Wikipedia. My guest today, Wikipedia. It's just like you're from a lot. another country or something. I know. It's so bad. So anyways, there's this, this guy, Catook is his name. Yeah. And he's a real guy and they used him in the movie.

No. Yeah. And in E. Pray, Love, they used a real guy. Tom Catook? Yeah. Tom Catook. Bless you. And you have to drive out to the country and he's got his little temple set up. Yeah. And what happens is people go in and they sit with him. And in the movie, he's this very deep, it's a real guy. I don't know how they got him to do it, but he's this real guy and he's very deep and he's philosophical and he's sitting with Julia Roberts, and he's like, your life is like a butterfly.

You know, you just have to open your wings and flap and let yourself go. And Julia Roberts, like, he's on tears. It was beautiful. Somehow the guy was an incredible actor, but he's a real citizen. He's not like an actor. Beautiful scene.

Julia goes and sees him a few times. and my sister finds out he's a real guy he lives there she goes can we go see him so we got the same thing we got some guy named tom he took us out in his car we had him all day drove us all the way out to see this yeah yeah yeah we get there and it's the end of the day and there's three other people ahead of us to see this guy and because he's sort of a celebrity now people are lined up and a lot of Westerners from New York and from America think he has the answer to life. So we get there and I'm not as enchanted. I'm like, you know, I know the entertainment industry.

I'm like, okay, it's nice, it's cute. It's kind of interesting that he was, he's really this guy in real life. And so we get there and these two girls from Chicago are sitting with them. And he's on a mat. We're in his temple and there's water dripping and there's coy fish and the chime music's going. It's outdoors. You can hear the crickets and the monkeys in the back. background. And this guy's, this old guys, like only got about three teeth left. And he's sitting

there and he's touching these girls' legs. They've got shorts. He's, oh, you're very beautiful girl. And he's rubbies. Oh, you're, you're going to have a husband and why don't you have a boyfriend? And it was like, I thought, this guy looks like he's sort of drunk and getting really touchy. Almost like the guy at the airport did with me, right? And I'm going, oh, this is sort of creepy. and then so they go off and my sister's like the last one of the day and she sits and her eyes are just full of and this guy goes he goes excuse me for a minute before we start and he goes behind the wall and he's just i just rode her guy's like like he's coughing up lugies like i've never heard like a truck driver in baker's field can't even get that luggy right and he's farting

he goes behind the wall oh wow he's just letting him rip Like, fuck, he just had a night of Carl's Jr. And it was my sister's sitting there. And then she comes and he sits and he starts like touching my sister and all. It was the creepiest fucking thing ever. And my sister was so sold on him because, you know, he did it with Julia Roberts. She sort of had this glazed look on her. I filmed the whole thing.

And she sort of didn't realize until after how creepy it was. And we were just dying laughing. Oh, that's great. The weirdest thing could too. He couldn't wait until the end of the day. He couldn't wait for the last customer to go fart it up. Oh, but I think he was doing it all day. Like even those girls from Chicago were kind of looking a little perturbed.

Wow. It was hilarious. Was he expensive? I can't remember. I think nothing was expensive over there. Yeah, it was so great. It was great. But anyways, great stories to end on, buddy.

Greg Fitzsimmons, I'm looking forward to that script if you decide to do it. Yeah, I'm going to do this. Little bit of homework for I've never I've never done this with a Harland highway guest But a little bit of homework I think it's a good new segment Challenge your guest to something yeah and see if they step up Well meanwhile tell the folks Greg as you know is a writer he's a stand-up comedian he has a couple you have a couple of podcasts I've a podcast called Fitzdog Radio that you've been on too many times even count Love it

Sunday Papers comes out on Sunday with me and my buddy do you know Mike Gibbons Yeah yeah when we did your irish show last year you had him do a sat and he was hilarious and you guys read the the headlines right of the newspaper different sections business entertainment and then childish which i do with alison rosen who i think you also know i don't think i've heard of this one she used to be adam carola's sidekick for a long time yeah is this a new podcast it's about four years we talk about kids raising kids oh it's a kid one okay yeah and then i got some stand updates coming i'm coming to portland helium yes february 22nd to the 24th that'll be really fun awesome club Then I'm at the rec room in Huntington Beach on March 1st.

Is that a new club? I'm going to set you up with it. It's just a one-nighter in Huntington Beach, and they give you the whole door, and it's fun. Really good crowds. I love it. Then I'm going to be in, I'm going to see my mom after that. Where can we get tickets for that? La Jolla Comedy Club, the Comedy Store, March 8th through the 10th.

Great club. You know I've never played that club? Are you serious? All I hear is what an amazing club. It's amazing. I just for whatever weird reason I've never played it. It's right down the road towards San Diego. And all I've heard my whole career is I've never done it.

Well, I got to get in there one day. You got to get in there. And then March 16th of the Hollywood Improv is the annual St. Patrick's Day show that you headlined last year. I got to tell you, we had Bill Burr on the show. We had Zach Galfinai. We had the best comics and everybody talked only about you after the show.

You had the most transcendent show. You just came up there and you were such a gentleman. You sat there for the whole show. And I think I had to ask you to move spots to later because somebody had to get out of there. I think it was Bill. Bill Burr came in. You were a total gentleman about it. Yeah, well, it was a special night.

I'm an Irishman. I support that night, man. But then you brought it all up. You were talking about other people's sets like you tied the whole night together. and it was fantastic. Oh, thanks for having me, man. It's always, I told you this last time, we're both Irish and there's something about connecting to the Irishness.

Yeah, yeah. There's something about that sort of Irish brotherhood. Right, right. Thanks for having me. Shlansha. And anything else we want to mention while you're here? No, just, you know, be good to each other. That's all.

Call your mom. Everybody call your mom if she's still around. She's still around. I talked to her on the way up here. She got, pulled over yesterday by a cop because she had an expired registration. She's 82.

Oh, God. She's a little tiny lady. She puts the seat as far forward as it can go. Yeah. And they pulled her over and she had no registration ticket. Left the lights on. Two other cops showed up. I guess she had like an old ticket she didn't pay.

Oh, yeah. And they were going to take her to jail. And they towed her car. What? She had to call a friend from a parking lot and have her pick her up. And it was on Florida cops are real assholes. She should have to do. just rolled down the wounds.

You better not pull my car away there, chuckerdoodle face or whatever. What did she call you? Checker, uh, Snicker, Mr. Snicker face. Mr. Snicker face. That would have done it. Dude, amazing. Well, let's hit the theme music. Everybody, Greg Fitzsimmons.

Check them out. Check out his podcast. Go see him at all the clubs. He mentioned. It's at Greg Fitzsimmons. Greg Fitzsimmons.com for tickets. Yeah. Check him out.

He's the best. Thanks for being here again, buddy. Thanks, Harlan. You're the best. Uh, that's it for now. write a script everybody because he's going to and until next time chicken chalman baby thanks buddy all right want to go get a uh a finger well i was going to say the finger yeah but maybe let's do the carls junior first yeah see where it goes get the finger yeah okay