The Harland Highway - GREG FITZSIMMONS auditions for White Lotus season 4. Electric cars, dancing, and Charles Manson!

Episode Date: April 8, 2025

This episode is sponsored by Odoo: Visit Odoo.com today and start creating the website of your dreams. Odoo: Fast, simple, and all you need to elevate your business! Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Greg Fitzsimmons: Website: https://gregfitzsimmons.com/ Youtube: https://www.instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons/?hl=en #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Just take your little E.T. finger and phone home on the subscription button. Also, I want to make an announcement, really cool comedy-slash-movie event coming up in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, May 8th, and May 9th. I'm going to be doing what we're calling the Wingman Weekend. I'm going to be doing two shows at the Royal Theater in Toronto on May 8th. And on May 9th, we're doing a sneak screening in my brand new movie that I wrote and directed called Wingman. We got a beautiful theater, and we have sort of a package thing. If you order, if you're one of the first 100 or 150 people to order a ticket for the show at the Royal, you get to come back the next night and go to the sneak screening of Wingman.

So it's sort of like a double thing. You get a comedy show one night with me and Jamie Kennedy, who are in the movie, and then you get to go the next night to a really cool theater at a different location and watch the sneak screening of Wingman. It's going to be very exciting, a lot of fun. Check out Harlandwilliams.com to get the link and order your tickets, because they're going to sell out really quickly. So check it out Harlowwilliams.com for the Wingman Weekend.

and it's going to be a riot. Holy smokes. And then the next thing is we have a new theme song this week. I got to tell you guys, the theme songs you all sent in, they're still coming in. Just amazing. The creativity, the artistry. And I'm just loving hearing what you're doing. And I'm glad I can help spread your art and share your art with the world. And that's why it's important to me to mention people's names. I didn't want to just put the theme songs up blindly and just go, oh, we got a free theme song. No, this is about as much you sharing with me as me sharing with you. And so I want you guys to get all the credit. And this week's song is from Lucas Mandelbaum. I hope I'm saying that right. Lucas Mandelbaum did a great, great peppy fun theme song. I had to trim it down just a little bit Lucas because it was,

it passed our 20 second, you know, limit. I think yours. was a little over 30 seconds. So it had to do a little creative cutting, but I think it sounds great. So Lucas Mendelbaum, thank you for your wonderful song, and we're going to keep playing your theme songs as they come in. And again, we can't use all of them because there's so many, but we're picking the ones that we think really pop and work. And they're all great, by the way, but as you can imagine, we can only use so many. So thank you, Lucas Mendelbaum. and don't forget to subscribe. Check out the wingman weekend at harloweems.com

and enough jibber-jabber from Bibber-Babber or whatever they call me down at the YMCA. Let's go. What was that? You never heard of the Johansen technique? Take it up, your freaks, the Holland Highway, screams, scrams, or torches blaze. This twisted ride, my guy, this Holland Highway, rocks the devil's night. Podcast. Do we need these headphones?

It's up to you, bro. You don't have to have them. It's totally optional. Are you going to wear them? I wear them because I... So I'm a podcaster, but I'm also a... technician. Like I have to cue up theme songs. I have to cue up sound effects. I have to listen for anomalies, abnormalities, things that might interrupt the flow of what we're doing. So for technical

reasons, even though I don't want to crush my wig, I have to wear them. Do you use Rogaine or Propesia or anything? I use Summer's Eve. I do. Wow. Insulting. You've never put douche on your hair? Well, not firsthand, but secondhand, I've gotten it on. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, rolling around at the Motel 6 and Bakersfield type of vibe. Yep. Yeah. Man, yeah.

Yeah. Good rates. And at the Motel 6? Yeah. Yeah. If you go on Craigslist, you can pick up, like, a lot of times a guy I'll ordered for a few days. Yeah. But then he'll commit the murder on the second day and leave. Right. get the third day. Oh, wow. Because he's, he checked out early. There's a need. I mean, there's

blood. Yeah. But he's hiding, he sort of had to make a getaway. Yeah. Oh, it's fascinating. Have you ever been in a motel six? And it doesn't have to necessarily be in Bakersbilt, but you're having sort of a toss and turn rolling night. You can't sleep. And you sort of roll over in the bed. And there's an oil rig worker there, like in your bed. And you didn't really notice when you came in? Well, that's the thing about the oil rig guys. Yeah. You know, they really, they're slippery.

They're covered in oil. Yeah. They'll just slide in on you. Yeah, right. Yeah. But they love the six, those worky guys. The work, like electricians, plumbers, carpenters, oil rig guys, dump truck drivers. Yep.

Steamroller drivers. I like holding hands with guys like that because they just have such rugged. They've calluses. It makes me feel like. man hands. Yeah, it makes me feel like a woman. You want to lay beside a stranger in a motel six bed whose hand, it feels like he's been swinging axe all day. Yep. Like chopping down cedar, maple, even a birch wood, which is a hardwood. Sure. So then you get those, and their fingers are swollen. So they're almost, they're like Paul Bunyan hands. Yeah, right.

And then if the hand holding kind of goes to something else, it's, anyway, so welcome to the show guy. Well, I'm so happy to be here. It is always a pleasure to drive up your hill. Oh, dude. I mean, it's just, uh, it, it, I have a, I got a new car, as you know. Wait, what? You don't know, because usually you meet me. Yeah.

You play music? Yeah, put the headphones on. This is what I'm telling you guys. This is the stuff you're missing out on. I mean, if you want to play headphone games, play them, but. Yeah, see? This is where the magic happens. party pants.

Okay, you know, this isn't like Linda Blair's roller boogie. What was this? God. That's when you get older. When you were young, it was a full swing, and then you finally end up like Donald Trump where you just barely.

Young man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can do what you want. You know, that song, have you ever been to the steam room at the YMCA? Yes. Oh, God. Yeah.

What a place. The funny thing is, everybody has the water dripping down on them. That's not even the steam. That's sweat. Yeah. That's man's sweat. It's actually only about 71 degrees in there. What I love is that cloud of steam.

And you go in and you, the great thing about it you can't see so you don't know who or what's touching you. Yeah. You ever go through a car wash and that thing dangles down in the car and it just like goes like that over your car, that's what it's like in the YMCA steam room. It's just fingers all, and you don't know if it's a man or a woman or the attendant or a towel boy. It doesn't matter because see no evil, smell no evil or whatever it is. No, you're just a man in a steam room and things happen and then you take a shower. You know, the shower washes all of it away,

including the memories. If you make it hot enough, you won't remember anything that just happened. But do you want to wash away the good memories? Because sometimes, you know, the touching in there, I almost feel like a children's book but in Braille. Yeah. Like there's so much of this going on all over my body. It's almost like a finger-tapping massage. It's almost like I fell into a pit of Morse code guys.

Yeah. And, you know, somehow I was naked and oily and steamed up. And they're just tapping, and I feel like they're reading braille on me. Yeah, I used to go to the school for the, for the blind. when I was in high school. How did you see it? No, I'm not blind. I would go in and I would walk into reading class

and I would just lay down and that's exactly what would happen. They would all just start reading me and they thought that my nipples were exclamation points. Oh my God. Yeah. I did the same thing when I was 14 going through puberty. I had severe acne and the kids would read my face and one day they all started screaming.

it was Stephen King's The Shining. And they went berserk. Yeah, really terrified them. But that's what bad acne will do. Acne vulgaris is the severe medical acne. Is that right? Acne vulgaris, look it up. Like vulgar?

No, it's the clinical term. There's acne, and then acne vulgaris is just full pockmarked, taking those off. Yeah, they're loud. They're very loud. It's okay. I can turn yours down a bit. Yeah, maybe turn it down. I mean, I like to hear you, but...

How's that? That's good. See, as soon as you took him off, I put the music back on it, because I'm like, if he's going to be a smart ass, young man. Would you... Would you... What are you doing? What were you doing?

Well, I was at the YMCA in my mind. Now they're too low. Now I can't hear you. Oh. Hang on. You know, a lot of... A lot of pounds out. There you go. That's perfect. Okay. That's perfect. Yeah. Okay. Maybe mine were too loud. Mine were too loud too. There's a little bit of an echo.

Yeah. But now mine are evened out. Yeah. It's good. So, see, this is why this stuff happens, guy. Yeah. To see, look at all the things that just happened out in the first five minutes that were tech related. Right. And music was brought into your joy list, into your life. I'm sorry? No, I just noticed the music. gave you a little reaction and put a pep into your miserable, your wonderful. I'll tell you something about your life. Music.

Okay. I listen to music. If I'm awake 14 hours a day, I'm probably listening to music about seven of those hours. Wow. I wear headphones. I go for walks with headphones on. I listen to music. When I'm working, when I'm writing, I listen to music.

When I'm in the car, I'm listening to music. I love music. so you just really said you have headphones on almost more than half your day but yet you come here and instantly insult me and my 12 viewers Karen crinkle cakes down in Tennessee she's in Tennessee now Bill Blobsnott he's in Alaska anchorage yeah wow and Terry Twat Tinklers down in from you

Movedo. Moved to Bermuda last week. Yeah, they got it. Wow. But yeah, so I just find it weird, the balance. You'll slap the headphones on on your own time, but not on the Highway's time. No, when you play the music, I put them on. All right, let me do it.

Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, uh-huh. Well, now, that's right. You're here on the Halle Highway podcast, and my special guest, you've seen him. He's one of our favorite regulars. think you've been on more than anyone else. Greg Fitzsimmons is here, gang. Greg Boogie Nights Fitzsimmons.

And a writer, actor, producer, choreographer. Wow. I want to say something else, but I won't. You just got to take it in sometimes. Yeah, I was going to say Night Rager. Yeah. But I won't. When's the last time you went out dancing?

Like, or danced at a wedding or, like, Like, when's that time you danced? Oh, good question, bro, Seth. It might have been just now when we were doing this thing. Yeah. Like, I haven't done it. I used to do it all the time. I love dancing.

And every time I do it at a wedding or something, I go, why are we not, me and my wife, going out on dates to places to dance? Why aren't you? I don't know. Well, why don't you then? Why don't you plan it? She's, because she's away. Where is she?

San Quentin. Oh, she went to jail again? What'd she do this time? Cepto. Wow. Hard to dance when you're in the big house. No, you're not allowed to. They won't let you. Do they have a dance night at San Quentin?

No, they have the guards do, and they do it right outside the cells. Wow. But the prisoners have to watch and not move. If they move at all, they're put into solitary. Really? So it's a real torture. Oh, because I'm just picturing your wife and Manson, like, doing the salsa or a box dance, like a traditional, you know, classic?

Box step. Yep. Especially with the dead guy, you really can't move to... Is he dead now? Manson? Yeah. When did he die? About two years ago.

How did he die? In jail. I don't know if he was sick. But I think I told you... Well, I think he was severely sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did I tell you that my friend wrote a book about him that's been on the New York Times bestsellers list for like five years now?

No, talk to me, guy. It's called chaos. And it's about how the CIA... was involved in you ever heard a cointel pro coin cointill pro it's a CIA secret program that they ran in the 60s to what what's it called cointel pro cointel pro i'm not sure you're saying it right i don't think i'm saying it right just because it's hard for me to know something like it's like if we were in africa and i said oh what do you think of the ulu flants yeah and you're like what like if you could use the right word it might help me

be able to say whether I've done it or not yeah yeah yeah so one more time co-intill pro oh yeah fuck yeah co-intel pro yeah one or two uh two oh fuck yeah yeah yeah okay so basically the government set up this uh there was the san francisco free clinic and then people would come in and they had manson come in and they would dose them with LSD and then uh Do you ever see the Manchurian candidate? Yeah.

All right, so it's like that. Which one, though? There's two. I think they're the same story, right? Yeah. I mean, that's like there was Quantuelitone one or two. You right away said two. Yeah, yeah.

And then I asked you Manchurian candidate one or two, and you got argumentative. Yeah. So was it one or two you're talking about? The first one was for Sinatra. Yep. The second one, Denzel Washington. Yep. So are we talking about one or two?

Sinatra. So the first one. Yeah. Okay, why didn't you just say the first one? I'd you have to drag it out and just say Sinatra, even though that is the first. Why couldn't you just say the first one? Well, because I'm talking about the story, not the casting, and the story was the same in both.

So I didn't feel like a distinction was necessary. Excellent point, guy. See, but this is the benefit of articulation. Yes. Because there was a lot of miscommunication. Yeah, articulation on. Are you sure? Yeah.

Articulation. It's not articulation. It's to articulate, be articulate, And articulation is the act of articulating. But why would they say different if it's the same word? Well, the same way that Manchurian candidate was the same movie, but done with different actors. So if you could fuck off with psychoanalyzing me

and tell your stupid, stupid story. When did Canadians become confrontational? Right? You used to be the gentle people. I'm just playing. You know, I'm playing with you, my guy. And I'm sending you an air hug right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Play the music. Oh, yeah, sorry. Papa don't preach. He's keeping the baby. He's in trouble now. Papa don't preach. He's made up his mind. He's keeping the boogie Wow, guy

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a document ero morris the documentarian is like the most famous documentarian he did the baseball one a blinkin one no a lot of PBS document no that that's um that's uh the other guy that's the other guy okay sorry so anyway they did a documentary on Netflix it's out right now about it wow it's uh it's a and he's coming on my podcast later on today no way yep And you're going to talk about Manson? Yeah. And Manson, so Manson visited the LSD Clinic. Yep.

And are you, I don't want to tell the story for you, but if I'm sort of looking down the road, are you maybe going to suggest that the, or he might suggest the LSD is what twisted Manson's mind and sent him spiraling into thinking he was a Jesus-like figure, which eventually led to the Sharon Tate murders and his disciples? No, he already had the Jesus complex. and then they took him and they got them all, all the followers on LSD to get them to do behaviors they wouldn't normally do because they were mind control,

like Manchurian candidate, the first one. Yeah, the first one was Sinatra. And then they would perform the murders and then basically be under the control. They wanted to disrupt the civil rights movement and the anti-war movement. So they wanted the hippie, because he was a hippie. wanted the hippies to look bad. So they had them perpetrate this crime. Now I'm picturing Sinatra

involved in those murders. Let's do a murder tonight. Get that cuckoo knife and stab that cuckoo brought in the head. Let's do some murders tonight. Cuckoo, you know, I killed him my way. I stabbed. I stabbed again. I slid a throat and had no remorse. I got it her just like a moose. I ate her ribs like Jeffrey Dahmer. Sorry, I get carried away. I'm a music guy too. I'm a music guy too. Fuck off. How'd you do it? I feel like we're like parking. We're like those guys that

help children go across the street? Yeah. What the hell's on my hand? Is that a new shirt? Yeah. Does this say media monitor or something? I was doing this and all of a sudden there's, I thought it was a leech.

Like, you ever go swimming? And there's a leech. Look at this. I'm doing this. I'm doing this shit. I'm like, what's that? My fingers got a extra large. sticker on it.

That is really weird. I got to tell you a funny story. So my mother, beautiful, wonderful woman. Of course. We all know that. Lorraine.

Lorraine Williams. And I think my mother was always sort of enchanted by wealthy people and people of means. You know, we did well. We were a middle class family, upper middle class.

But I think a lot of people when they meet really wealthy people, there's a little bit of that, oh, wow, you know, like, how did they do all this? And look at their, look at all the stuff. And so one of our uncles was really wealthy. And he opened a back in the 30s, the 40s, the 50s, he sold Rolls Royces and Bentley's and all the high-end cars of the day. So my uncle was a self-made millionaire. And he was like, the only guy in our family that had that wealth. So he had a, he had a part here and there, and he had a golf course spread in Palm Springs. What do you mean he had a golf course spread?

Like he had a condo right on a golf course, like a beautiful, fancy, like, you know, you open the back door and you're on the seventh hole, you know, that type of thing. So my mom came to visit me here in L.A., she goes, let's go to Uncle Arnold's place. We'll drive down, and you could tell she was all excited. She sort of liked being around that wealth, and she had a new dress on, and we go, and we're there, and his wife, you know, Aunt Gin. She's sort of this tall Texas woman, but very elegant and dress. You could just sometimes with wealthy people, just they sort of drip their wealth.

They dress well, their manicured. They just care. Some of them. Yeah, not all of them, but a lot of them carry it well. Right. It's part of their culture. And I'm not saying it's better or worse, but you can notice it. Yeah.

And so we're there and she's like they wouldn't have like an extra large sticker on their shirt. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. And so here we are. My mom's like such a sweet lady. And she wanted to make a good impression. She bought a new dress. And we go there. We're there for about an hour. And their help is bringing out some lunch. And my mom got up to look at a piece of artwork on the wall or something. And Gin, who's just sitting there sort of very regally. She goes, Lorraine, what is that on your dress? And my mom goes, what are you talking about? She goes, right there on your dress.

And my mom lifted her dress up. And the plastic alarm was still on her dress. The big long, like, plastic alarm was stuck to her dress. And Jin was just like, almost as it said, so it had spread pig blood on the door. It was just like the worst sort of poverty type of thing you could ever imagine. My mom was mortified, and I'd just try not to die laughing. Oh, that's the worst thing that could have happened. Yeah. And then I said to my mom, I go, how did you even get

out of the store? Did you shoplift this dress? Like, so it must have been a fault you on or someone deactivated but forgot to take it off. Right, right. Oh, classic. That's fantastic. You were never invited back. Never, never. They probably thought she was going to steal things from the house. They thought he was a thief, yeah. You probably came back to the house and all the artwork. and everything had those clips on it. And they had a metal detector on their front door. They did an inventory when she left. Sweet Lorraine.

I'm sorry, Lorraine. We just got to pat you down on the way out. Yeah, right. Check your bag. They have the wand. My mom beeps as she leaves their house. Beep, beep, beep, beep. There goes Lorraine.

Hey, where's my underpants? Oh, my God. That was like Eddie Murphy used to have that routine about, like, when you were good, you'd go to school and, you know, your parents, didn't have money to feed you and you'd be sitting in class and your stomach would start moaning

and he goes and it would sound like we're poor yeah yeah sometimes it's fun to be poor in my early days when I was you know poor it's sort of there's a freedom

to it where you don't have to put up any airs you don't have to stand up to anything there's an actual freedom to not being encumbered by any type wealth, whether it be a lot or a little. Right, right, right. And you've really maintained that.

I have. That sense of not caring what you appear like at all. That's right. Like hygiene even. Like you could afford soap. Why, though? Why? You know, it's, it's, it's, it's an affectation.

Yeah. Using soap and deodorant. Well, I do have soap. But what it is, it's when that, when that little bar from the Motel 6 runs out and they run out fast because they're that thin and they're about the size of a piece of Hershey's chocolate. And then you've got to wait till the next check-in to replenish your soap. So I have soap, but it's intermittently throughout the year. Yeah, yeah.

So I stay, like the way you wear headphones for a large part of your day, I'm clean for a certain part of my year. I would think there's some people, and I've spent, as you have, spent time at Motel 6, or Super 8, which is just a step up. Yeah. Two grades up from this. And if it didn't have the word super in it, you wouldn't know. No. Yeah. It would just seem like an eight.

Yeah. Some of those guests are very large, and I wonder if that little soap is enough for their whole body or if they have to pick certain areas to focus on. Or even use it as a pad because it's so small. Like just open their butt crack, stick it in, and then leave it there. Right. And let it sort of disintegrate over the next two or three days or maybe just stuff them in there. or even in the cleavage and just, like, almost like a pallet of butter, a dollop.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, inside a piece of bread, you mean? Yeah, like, you know, the little dollops of butter you get, but instead they just put a dollop of soap and just let it slowly dissipate. And then they just put a piece of toothpaste under their tongue, and they don't brush, they just leave it in there. That almost sounds like it would take a lot of the work out of the daily routine. Yes. I might adopt this approach.

Yeah, I like it. I want to jump back to, because we don't want to pass. this, that you were talking about Manson thinking he was a Christ-like figure. Right. I wonder at what point in your life where you're going along as Jesus Christi, as Holy Lord Son of the Lamb, you've got even your disciples, like Manson had all his disciples as follows. Good time for a break. Oh, we did a, what's called a swallow burp.

Yeah. You were, it's fascinating because are you a physics guy? A little bit. You were forcing air out and I was pushing air down. Yes. And for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction, the first law of physics. Yes. And we just did it right there.

So for those of you that think my podcast, is stupid. No. Not anymore. No, I really feel like there's things that are being said on this show that there's layers

that only certain listeners are unfolding. Oh, so there's cleaning ladies listening? Yes. Huh. Yeah, what's the cleaning woman's name that listens to this show again? Oh, Rosa Maria. Oh, right.

Motel 6th, second floor, Bakersfield. She only does the second floor. Wow. But she's up for a problem. promotion. Yeah. They might have her do one and two eventually. Well, one I got to think is the busier one because you're going to put your first guest on the first floor. And then once it fills up, then you get Maria's floor. And don't forget, it's a busy day. People think these gals come in in the morning and they're done by two. But when you got an oil rig worker who probably was on the

rigs all day, stopped at Dairy Queen and Taco Bell and leaves about a seven foot skid mark on the sheets, you don't brush that out in half an hour. No. That's a long scrub. It's a long scrub, and the toilet bowl looks like there was a car race in it. Oh, yeah. It's just swirling. Whoa. Because you lay it in there, and these guys will break the plane of the water.

There'll be so much, it will rise like an iceberg. It'll come above the water. And then when you flush that, it really hits the under rim. Oh, it looks like a raccoon and a blender. Yes. Yeah, there's fur. Right. crushed teeth, fragments of a rodent cranium.

Yep, Dairy Queen. Staples, sometimes it'll be staples. Dairy Queen, what is it? Like the cone from Dairy Queen because he ate it so fast, he didn't finish chewing it. Oh, God. There's bits and pieces of sugarcone. Oh, yeah, it's like, you flush that toilet there.

It's like an Arizona shitstorm. Yeah. You might even see a baby, like a veal, a baby cow swirling around like you do in tornadoes. There's always that cow. And they can't save themselves because they have no muscle. Because it's the veal cow. Oh, yeah, the veal cow, yeah.

They feed them, they rub them with milk. They rub them with milk, and then they hang them. Yeah. They're on like hooks so that they can't use their muscles. But aren't they delicious? Worth it. I have to say worth it. I'm all about animals.

I don't like animal cruelty, but to bite into a piece of veal so buttery soft, I'm like string them up. Yeah. String them up and hang them. It feels to me like if they knew how, How much we enjoyed it, I think they would knowingly give their lives. Did you say if they knew, or did you say if they knew? I think I just said new, but I think what you did was, again, you're putting layers into this podcast.

Not everybody's going to get. Or like, or even think it's funny. Sure. But did you think it was funny? I thought it was good. Yeah. Like on a scale of 1 to 10, how funny. It was like a super 8.

really yeah wow thanks um but if i could jump back to manson real quick sure here's this guy he thinks he's jesus at one point in your journey as the son of the lord does emblazing a swastika into your forehead kind of end the journey that may be your god's son does that you still think you're the son of the Lord when you got a Nazi death stamp in your forehead? Well, I think that Hitler had a God complex as well, didn't he. Yeah, but he didn't tattoo a swastique in his forehead the way Manson did. Yeah, I think it's swastika. Well, what part of Boston are you from?

New York, the New York part of Boston? Yeah, I'm from the south side. It's swastika down there. Oh. How do you say it? Swastika. Yeah, swastika down in the south of Boston. Yeah.

Isn't that interesting how just a few miles, like northern Boston, southern Boston? We're talking, the whole city across isn't more than 22 miles. But I said New York. Yeah. Oh, you were doing a Bronx accent. It was a Bronx accent. How did you say it? Yo, swastika.

Yeah, swastika. Yeah. And by the way, just so for historical reference, even the Germans call it a swastika. Really? Not the aberration that you're saying. Really? Well, if you think about the Jesus thing, a swastika is just the Jesus cross with little feet on it. Oh, wait a minute. Say that again.

It's the cross that Jesus died on. Right. It's got little feet on it. Oh, so it's like a rolling. You can roll to heaven. Like with feet. Yeah. You can roll to heaven on a swastika.

Right. The ingenuity, the way your mind thinks. Yeah. I think I'd like to get a necklace that's the cross. Yeah. But it's a swastika. Now you got me going. Wow.

And it spins like a rim on a black person's car. Oh, wow. Spinning swastika. Yeah, those beautiful rims. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it almost looks like the rims to twirl independently of the rotation of the tires. So it looks like the rims are going backwards.

So it's like there's a spinning swastika rotating backwards on your chest and your cleavage. Yes. Almost like a cleavage hair trimmer. Do you have hair in your cleavage? You see. Oh, Christ. Yeah, you do. There's about four of them. Are you going through puberty? How old are you? Don't pretend they're itchy. There's only four. What was this?

There's not, no, you don't itch when you have four. This is how you grow. You grow. Oh. Yeah. Fertilizing the ground. Wow. Yeah. Do you have a lot of hair? Let me say. Yeah. You don't have a lot. Oh, yeah, down there. Yeah. In the middle part. I could use a good spin and swastika cut.

Um, I want to dip into something because you're an actor. You've done acting. Sure. You've done writing. You've written for TV. Yep. Four Emmys. You're in the, really four? Fuck. That's amazing. Yeah. So you're going to appreciate this next segment a lot. Um, you've done acting. You've done producing. Any directing? I directed a couple specials. Okay. So that would qualify as directing. Yeah. Um, are you a White Lotus fan? Not this season.

But you've seen it? Yeah, I've seen the whole season. I can't stop watching, but I'm finding it not as good as the first two seasons. Interesting. Yeah. But would you say, from your perspective, as a seasoned Emmy-winning producer, writer, and acting director, would you say that that show sort of is elevated above your average show? It's a good show, well done?

Yes. The execution is fantastic. The cinematography is good. I think the actors are well directed, obviously. Yeah. The writing? The writing this season, I find to be a little bit directionless. Okay.

What about the acting? And this is going over all seasons, the acting. The acting is great. I said that. If you had a chance to be on White Lotus as one of the actors. You kidding me? I mean, it's a career maker. You look at how many careers have been launched.

Sidney Sweeney was She blew up from that show What's the other woman's name from She was on Brooklyn 9-9 Or community or Parks and Rec Yeah That one She got very big from it

Yeah It's great for your career I think it's a lot of fun Because you go on location The first one they were in Hawaii The next one they were in Italy This one they're in Thailand And you go for like four or five months

Wait Are you in the next season? Do you notice I'm beaming right now? No, no, you're not. You're not in the next season. Buddy? What? Buddy, I'm the first guy I'm telling is you.

Is this an April Fool's joke? This is not April Fool's. You're being 100% serious. Dude, I am in the next season of White Lotus. It's already been picked up for next season. It's already been picked up and I signed an NDA. I'm not supposed to talk about it. But I don't care.

I'm already cast. What are they going to do, fire me? What's the role? I play a guy who's a guy named Bark, bark something, and it's a role where I go and the priest that, let's say, and I'm not supposed to say any of this, I sign an NDA, but it does, what are they going to fire me? I've already got the part. Sure. I go to this white lotus, and I'm not supposed to say where it is, but we're in Greece. Okay. I hope this isn't getting you in trouble because the NDA means non-disclosure.

What do they get? They've got me. I'm cast. Okay. What are they going to fire me? Did you sign a contract? Yeah. Oh, I'm good to go.

Okay. Yeah. And so what happens is I'm a guy who I'm a serial killer going out to get revenge on all the people that have wronged me in my life. Wow. And it's a pretty, a deep part. It's going to take all my focus, all my acting, and the writer, the writer-producer, Dave White, or whatever's name. What is it?

Mike White. Mike White, whatever. I probably find that out. But, you know, so, and I know I'm not supposed to chit-chat about it, but I got the part, and what are they going to fire me? I'm in. Did they pay you yet? They haven't paid. We haven't started shooting. We shoot. Because a lot of times they'll only pay you.

And again, I love that you're talking about this because I think it's great for the podcast. You see, I'm beaming? I just am concerned that you're getting ahead of yourself and this might affect whether or not they bring you to set and actually shoot your scenes. Oh, no, no, I think maybe you do. I'm casted.

Right. They cast me. Okay. I mean, I audition. They have the part. And you're the only one on the series right now that they've cast. No, no, they've cast others. I don't know who they are.

You have no idea. who the other actors are? No, and I won't tell. I'd sign an NDA, but we're in Greece. White Lotus were to resort right on the turquoise ocean there. And I'm so excited because you know, you have to be a certain cut of actor. Sure. You have to be, you know, privileged. You have to be selected. I don't know what I've got, but I've got it. Well, you're idiosyncratic. I'm an idiot. What? You know, Socrates? Yeah, he played for the blizzard, didn't he?

He played for the blizzard, so you're an idiot who's also Socratic. You ask a lot of questions. Oh, I thought I was an idiot soccer player. No. I'm sorry. No. So I'm an idiot and I ask a lot of questions. Yeah, so you're an idiot.

You're an idiot Socratic. Wow. Yeah. Huh. Well, I'll tell you what I'll say I'm, I'm beaming. I can see it. I mean, I'm just. And what is it?

What kind of money are we? talking about what do they pay you for something like that well i'm not supposed to say but it's about for for a guy at my level it's 225k an episode and you didn't hear that for me i can't that's i was sort of very 225,000 an episode an episode and that's that's sort of not supposed to be talked if they said in the nda don't mention it each there's usually 10 episodes yeah you went all 10 do the math that's like a million dollars dude it's on hbo max i mean this is yeah we're I'm in the game. Wow.

I'm really excited, and I shouldn't do this, but I want to, in a way to sort of prep, and in a way, because you're in the game, too, in a way to tease my viewers, and I don't know if you want to say cock tease them or just tease, I sort of want to pull you into the equation a little bit. Okay. Because I know there's still some open spots on the White Lotus in Greece. Really? Yeah. And I just does a little warm up for me. I have one of the scenes from the third episode. They've sent me four of the episodes to read. This is from the third episode.

But is this? Should you be reading this? Dude, Dave Smith, this guy cast me. Dave Smith was in the room, the writer, the creator. Mike White, whatever his name is. He was there. He cast me. I've got the part. Yeah, okay. It's like, I've got the job. Okay. Okay, so I read a little bit. What are they going to fire me? I got the gig. I guess so.

But what I'd like to do to share with my seven or eight viewers, Paul Pummelnuts down in Dallas and Farah Funbags over in Cincinnati, would you want to read one of my scenes with me and sort of tease? I'm not going to lie to you. This is wild? I'm being. now because I feel like is there a small chance that I'll be seen reading this and be considered? Well, this is, because we're a buddies, we're the buddies. I think, look, why can't

I share my good fortune with my buddies? If Mike Walters is watching this, the creator, Mike White. Who is it? Mike White. That guy, yeah. You know, he's probably going to get wind that I'm plugging his show for him. I mean, everything, it's always good to plug something. And I'm getting ahead of the curve for him. Yeah. And I'm sure he's going to watch this. And if he sees you, and I don't want to put pressure on you, but I would read good if you could.

It's a little bit like an audition now. It's a little bit, but I would really ratchet it up to sort of get to my level. And you're going to read Tim. Do you have any, like, what's my motivation here in the scene? Well, you're the guy that did me wrong. Let me get my glasses on here. My character is telling you, this is White Lotus season four.

I play Bark Beamwall. Okay. And you're one of the people from my past that has sort of done me wrong somehow. Okay. And I'm going to read it all. And I'm sort of here to even the score on White Lotus 4 in Greece.

But you didn't hear that for me that it's in Greece. Okay. But I would just preface it. I don't want to put print, but I would sort of try and ratchet my game up right now if I were you. Like, if you want to take a few deep breaths, like, dude, I'm mom, mom, mom, mom, ma, ma, ma, ma, m. It's not, the role's not a horse.

It's a human. It's Tim, the human. It's not a horse. Is there a mom in it? No. Okay, then I'm way off. Let's give you another moment just to settle in, because I want this to be a moment for you. I've got the part already. What was that? You never heard of the Joe Hanson technique?

This is so bizarre. Have you ever heard of deja vu? Yeah. I was in the Bakersfield Motel 6 about three weeks ago, just about falling asleep. Yeah. And the drywall is about this thin. Sure.

And I'm just, I can feel myself going, and I hear a noise through the drywall. If you could do that again, Yeah. Isn't that weird? Do you think they were preparing for a role? I don't know if there was actors because usually you get oil rig workers

and bulldozer drivers, but maybe there was an actor, a Bakersfield actor, through the drywall preparing for... Well, a lot of times when you do the Johansett technique, you also vocalize, you try to loosen up the lower end of your cords and you'll go.

Okay. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, my God. Oh. I am having, if Deja Vu can go to Deja 3 or Deja 5 even, I'm, it's like a, I'm there. Really? I think it was an actor. Dude, there was an actor in Bakersfield. Do you think somebody else is up for this role that I'm about to play of Bark?

I don't know. Maybe someone had a, was doing Annie at the Baker's Field. Field Playhouse or cats or fandom of the opera or the lesbians? Lesbizabla. Lesbians what? Lesbians are miserable.

Most of them are. Have you ever been to Lilith Fair? Sometimes there's a vocalization at the end that goes like this. It goes, that will be $20. Oh my God. That sounded a lot like

droopy. Yeah. That will be $20. Maybe Droopy was fucking Donald Duck through the wall. Do it again. I'll do the... All right. $20.

And if you're $20 in your monies, my belly phone, and let's tell me he ever, and really fuck you up. You're ready. Go to the town. They'll get a child down. What a mess.

I'm a little next to the duck. Yeah. Okay. I think we're ready. Let's do it. Folks, this is, and I shouldn't be saying this, but I'm just giving White Lotus season four a little promotion.

They could use it. I mean, nobody's even heard of it yet. This is a scene from season four. I play Bark Beamwall, and my guess, guest actor today, Greg Fitzsimmons. What's your agent's name? Gersh Agency, Greg Fitzsimmons, 5'8, 150 pounds, and went to the neighborhood playhouse in New York. I'm just sort of expediting this, because I think from this read, they're going to want to, you're going to get calls like today.

And actor, writer, Greg Fitzsimmons, will be playing Tim Tender Touch. I'll read the action, and then we'll just segue right into the scene. Are you ready to go? Again, I play Bark Beam Wall and we're at the White Lotus in Greece. Just let me Bark Beam Wall stands

at the end of a pier staring into the sparkling aquamarine water. A distant far-off look in his eyes. Suddenly, a tall, dark man appears beside him. Tim Tender Touch. A pervert priest from Cleveland.

I thought I recognized the smell of that hair Well, if it isn't the devil himself Disguised as a priest Tim stares out at the water I haven't seen water sparkle like this Since they found a cure for spinal bifida What are the odds bumping into you here at the White Lotus

What is some call it Paradise. The Lord doesn't use a road map. And bubblegum don't stick to a bald man's ass and a hailstorm. And yet, here we are. An awkward pause. I'm surprised you remember me, Bark. How could I forget the guy who stole my childhood?

Burned up all my dreams and stuck me to the side of an eternal hell like Velcro in an Arizona shitstorm. We all are making mistakes The Lord forgives Spare me the Bible versus Perv You should be in jail Yeah, maybe And a hostess Twinkie

Should be on a shelf at a 7-Eleven But sometimes it ain't You do know I'm gonna have to Kill you tonight, preacher man Oh really? Not just what we did to me But for all the other silent voice voices that are rocking in their misery.

Their lives polluted like Mississippi stinkfish. Maybe time to get over it, hon, cowboy? No. I don't think so, preacher man. An awkward pause. You know what I like about the ocean? The sea cucumbers? close

the shrimp oh they be all pink and puffy and not just regular pink I'm talking sweet fucked up pink like an Egyptian barbecue

and what's that got to do with anything it means your soul is going to charbroil in hell like a dairy queen brazer burger Oh, I guess we'll have to see how about that now, won't we fairy cheeks? I hope you like Peanut Buster Parfay's preacher man. Tonight, you're going to die.

Bark points his finger like a gun and pulls... Hi, I'm Danny Lopiore. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? it's not paranoia. It's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information, including your browsing habits, where you live, and even who you're related to, and they sell it to the highest bidder. That's where ORA comes in. ORA automatically removes your personal info from data broker sites and keeps it off. It also monitors the dark web, safeguards your devices, alerts you to real-time threats,

and more. Start your free trial at ora.com slash control. That's a-U-R-A-com slash control for your free trial. The trigger.

Bang. Bang. Bark winks, grins, and silently walks away. End scene. Oh my God, I felt it. What the fuck did you just do?

Well, when I wanted to do, when I was doing my preparation, I thought, you know, Mike White's kind of guy. He sees a lot of different characters. Who was it? Mike White. Okay. And I thought he may go in a number of different directions. Yeah.

Let me showcase. I did a one-man show where I did 57 characters in 13 minutes. Wow. So I sort of before, I was doing my preparations, I started thinking about my, I started thinking about best ofs. And I just fucking rolled them out. I just rolled out the different characters. Oh my

God. Yeah. Yeah. It was so convincing. There were moments there where I thought, even though it was just me and you, there was like a whole menagerie of different international Thespians. Right. I think I heard a Pakistani boy. Yep. I heard a Eurasian prince.

Yep. I heard a woman with a dildo Velcro to the back. of her esophagus. I mean, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the pareree picked up on all of that. Well, it's, this is a, a, a, a tribute to what you do. Yeah. Well, I, I, I, I was thinking about I hop, you know, the international house of pancakes. Oh, my God. And I was seeing a different person in each booth of the end. Yeah. What's your agent's name again? Because I think, it's the gersh agency in Hollywood, California. And who's your contact? Uh, Bob Jew. Bob Jew. Bob Jew. Okay. And is, and is, and is he? And is he? And is he? And is he? And is he? And is. And is Jewish? I have no idea. Yeah, Bob Jew. Is he good? He's very good. Well, he's going to be picking up the phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right. Now, do you think I should go in at 250 an episode? I can't negotiate that for you, and I'm not even, I wasn't even supposed to say, but what are they going to do, fire me? But I would, I would, you know, get Bob Jew to shoot high. Yeah. And what you bring to the table, it's almost like you brought six or seven characters.

Well, the thing is, again, in my one-man show, fits fits, because I felt like I can do it and get into anything, it was, it was at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. Oh, wow. And both the people that were there in the audience said it was, they stayed, they stayed right to the end. Both of them? Yeah. Oh, my God. What a testament to what you do. Yeah.

You know, I watched the Discovery Channel a lot. And every now and then you get lucky and you find like a 45, 50-minute documentary on chameleons. Uh-huh. And what I saw from you just now was so chameleon-like, the way you shadowed and dripped it in and out of international flavors and characters.

I'm almost, can I be honest and open? I'm a little bit scared that what you did superseded what I did. And I just hope there's no sort of like... Dude, whatever happens, we're friends, we're friends. I mean, I... Yeah, you would never. Like, if they said take Harland, like, take the bark roll that I did, that you wouldn't, right?

It's just the thing about White Lotus is, it really is about the casting, and I love the show so much. Whatever, I would just do what's best for the show. You would do. I mean, and that is no reflection on how I feel about you as a friend or an actor. but I'm sure

that wouldn't happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm cast, so nothing's going to happen to me. Sure. I mean, I was the one that said, bring your A game, and I didn't think you'd bring your A, fuck your friend over game, really. Like I said, you know, act and do your best,

but I don't think I meant like lay your buddy down over a plastic garbage can you just bought at Home Depot, rip his corduroy J.C. Penny jeans down, and power rip them. It's not like that. It felt like it. The thing is, when I was at the neighborhood playhouse in New York, they told us it's about the process, and that the process sometimes involves losing friends

and marriages and children, and it's about honoring the work. And in this case, Mike White's work is it needs to be elevated in whatever way. I sort of feel like, as friends, that I just got acting raped by a fellow Athesbian. Like, I feel like, you know, here I was swinging on a cord across the chandelier-riddled theater of Phantom of the Opera. Oh, wait, will you hold on one second? What's going on? Cool. Hello?

It's Bob Chu. Oh, fuck. Oh, God. No. No. What? Wait, but... Talk to me.

Is that roll already cast? Is it? Recast. Um, all right, listen. Uh, yeah, go, I would say go for it and, uh, started, started 275 and see what happens. Okay. All right. Love you, Bob.

What is it? What did you say? Uh, it was my wife. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Oh, oh. Hmm.

Okay. everybody check out my merchandise at harbling.com yeah most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie but not me yours truly guess what I draw my own designs at harbleng.com you can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts you can either buy the original or you can buy a print and man oh man wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got coffee mugs. We got t-shirts. You name it. It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your

support. And I'll just keep the groovy images coming. Well, anyways, thanks for this. I just feel like I'm so excited for you. I know how hard you work. I'm beaming. And I know I remember seeing you as a hitchhiker in that film. Yeah, yeah. And you were really good in that.

And you know what? At the end of the day, if that's all you ever do, that's fantastic. that's something you can you know tell your nieces and nephews about you know but it's not all I'll ever do because I told you I'm casted in White Lotus 4

that's right yeah that's right that's great and when you're cast your cast your cast I mean it's so rare they go back on those things and you know there's also bark the guy I read for is Tim

really good no Tim the guy I read for Tim also I think really pops. Yeah. I can almost, this is going to sound crazy. I can almost see you playing Tim. I feel like...

Right, if I wasn't cast as bar. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What was that? What? I was like a 40-second, yeah. That was like a... They call that the Hollywood blow-off.

Oh. That's like driving down the highway and flipping off a guy. Right. No, no, I just, you know, I just think that this Tim thing is another direction to go in.

Interesting. Well, thanks for doing this. Is there a, kind of a haircutter place and a stylist place nearby? it's on the way home I got to what are you doing spruce up a little bit

I get a thing going on yeah there's Larry's okay super cuts on Melrose okay great switch gears here for a minute I'm feeling a little I don't know

I feel like the energy changed a little yeah yeah yeah okay um wow uh can I share a quick story with you that I'm shifting gears. I've got to get the energy back. Okay. Yeah. I guess

I'm getting too excited that I'm white, on White Lotus for. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, let's bring it back down to earth where the lay person can relate. Because as a high paid... It's a lay person, a Hawaiian person? They could be, if you put a lay around them or it could be a Bakersfield whore because

they're always laying on their back. Right, right. But what I want to share... Is it somebody who likes potato chips a lot? Unless they're a Pringles person, but if they're not a Pringles person, they're probably a lay person. Yeah, yeah, right, right. I wonder if you are in Hawaii with flowers around your neck. Do you think of somebody that likes a princess from Star Wars? Would they be considered a lay person? I think so. Yeah. Because there's no reason, if we can send a ship to Mars, there's no reason we can't send chips into orbit. Right.

but I did something recently that really was a milestone for me if I could share not that I want to spread more good news but I drove through a mall for the first time no kid you drove through a mall like the Blues Brothers two weeks ago right through the drywall right through the rebar plowed right through the wall drove down through the mall, ripped through a Victoria's Secret.

Gove down the escalator, Greg. Drove through the food court. Took out an orange Julius, that big orange, and the kid was in it, and was rolling through the food court. I took out a Panda Express, honey walnut shrimp, flying through there in children's hair. Oh, my God. Armenian kids, shrimp in their hair.

Yeah. And so I just want to say, driving through the mall, I want to say, thank you, Cybertruck. Have you seen the cyber trucks? It seems like they could do anything. Dude, I don't know if Robocop and a stainless steel fridge had sex behind a Home Depot. It looks like they popped out shitty, chitty bang bang's bastard sister. I mean, this thing looks like a stainless steel fridge.

It looks like the car of the future if the car of the future was built in 1957. Yeah. Yeah. And I vandalized what everyone's vandalizing. Sure, you have to. I vandalized, and it looks like a fridge. I threw fridge magnets all over it. You did.

Yeah, and I put a shopping list under the windshield wiper and threw some macaroni art on the whore. Just vandalized that. Did you leave a box of baking soda in the car? Yeah, and I threw some frozen microwave dinners in the back seat. Okay. Did you put rolls of toilet paper on top of the car? On top, yeah, full vay.

I did the full vandal. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, it's one of those things I don't know that I want to drive a vehicle that looks like a fridge, and when I press the horn, crushed ice comes out of the bottom. Yes, exactly. I don't want that. Right, right, right. And the design of this thing, Greg Fitzsimmons, I mean, have you seen the angles on this thing, the way it's angled? You ever been driving down the road and you look up and there's a cyber truck coming at and you're like, ah, origami. I mean, the angles, I saw a guy, Greg Fitzsimmons, three weeks ago, hit a raccoon, and this thing's still in the air three weeks later on the way to Cleveland.

Just from a raccoon? Yeah, what's the angle of the, yeah. The angle pushes it that way. And do we need a bulletproof vehicle? I mean, honey, get the kids. We're going to Afghanistan. Get the picnic. We're going for a day in the Gaza Strip.

It's the Strawberry Festival season. And I'm not doing, this isn't stuff from my act. I'm not doing jokes from my act. No, you wouldn't do that. This is off the cuff. Right, right. Like the way my mind works as a season four Lotus Blossom actor. Yeah.

Like this stuff just comes to me. I get on a roll. Do you think Mike White will want you to draw from that on set of White Lotus 4? Probably. When he sees like how I could come up with a run on Tesla, the Tesla, the cyber truck, just in the moment off the top of my head. Do you think that the new Priuses are like mini-fridges? Priuses, boy, they're fun.

They're electric and they have gas. Sometimes I'll turn them, switch them on at the same time. I feel like I was trying to jump in on your riff. I rifted on. And I kind of killed it. I kind of killed the bit. No, I riffed on Priuses too. Like I didn't even have any.

prepared and they did that last bit about how they're electric and gas yeah and so you saw they're almost like just like the the cyber truck i just right there i had a bit right right right like so that the cyber truck wasn't pre-thought out or part of my act no what about the waymos have you seen the waymos the waymos i i try to cut them off and i get i really do i get in front of them and then i slow down to a stop. Oh. But they actually will whip around you when you do that. Yeah.

A lot of times they slow down to a stop, but once in a while, they kind of like, they rip a move around you. Well, just so because they're not all over the country yet, but here in Los Angeles, the Waymoes are the driverless taxi cars. They're all over L.A., multiple, multiple dozens and dozens of them. They say there's 200, but I swear to you, I see, I see them at intersections. two at a time. There's way more than 200 of them in L.A.

There's tons of them. They're everywhere. And they're just driving and there's no one behind the wheel. They've got all these little spinning things on them. And on the roof they've got this pointy thing and it's spinning. And now I carry in my front seat everywhere I go. I have oranges and grapefruit. Because if I get behind one at a stoplight,

I run out, jump on the roof and make fresh orange juice. Oh. It's unbelievable. That's a great idea. Oh, yeah. It's a delicious. Oh, my God. And I noticed I was behind one the other day, Greg Fitzsimmons,

and these cars aren't just cars. They're Jaguars. They're Jaguars. It's a nice car. It's Jaguars. It's Jaguars. Yeah. It's a Jaguar.

Yeah. And I'm sitting there going, this car is beautiful. And I'm thinking, what if some loser in a Prius or a Dodge Neon is behind this beautiful jaguar with no driver? And he goes, holy fuck, even nobody has a car better than me. Yeah, it's so weird for me to be alone in one of those. I've taken one.

You have? Yeah, it's just very strange to be alone and jerking off in an Uber. Wait. What were you doing? I was jerking off. I mean, if I'm alone, if you left the studio right now. You said Uber, though. There's a driver in an Uber.

No, but this is like an Uber, except without a driver. Without a driver. Yeah. So you are what now? I was whacking off. In the Waymo. Yeah. Were you in the back seat of the front?

Both. Yeah, I guess the... I put the legs in the front. I got my head in the back. I guess part of you gets into the front. Right, right. Liquid part. And how was it?

Did you hit any speed bumps or potholes? Well, what I realized was I thought the windows were tinted, and then I saw a bunch of, there was a bunch of guys in a, what do you call those big cars that are electric now, the big trucks? Cyber truck. There was a bunch of tall, they were Marines, and they were in the cyber truck, and they were looking in at me. Oh, no.

Yeah. And you were doing what? I was masturbating. And what was their reaction? They saluted. They. A full-on military salute? Like one of these?

Yep. Yep. It's probably because, you know, when they do that thing at the funerals and they shoot the guns, there's a lot of the military, like, chiching, the ceremony. And did you happen to, you know, have your moment as they were going by? I was finishing just as they came by. That's what that was. Dude, that's almost like an auto response for that.

Yeah, yeah. Right, right, right. Oh, what? Talk about synchronicity. I know. How fun. Because if it had been circus clowns pulling up next to me, me, I don't think they would have saluted.

They would have squirted their flowers. Right. I'm squirting, they're squirting. Right. Yeah. And there's a guy on top of the car and he's making orange juice. And there's got, there's 400 in the trunk? Yeah.

Unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah. Good for you. I'm always thinking if I ever get into those way mows and there's no driver, what's to stop me from going into terrorist mode and jumping over into the seat behind the steering wheel and just saying, fuck you, Domo Aragato, Mr. Roboto.

We're going to Cleveland. Right. Like, what's to stop me from taking over the pilot seat? Because I think they have Asian people that are watching what's happening in the car. What kind of people? Asian. And they have an ejector seat. Well, it sounds like you were in the ejector seat in the back.

That's right. That's... So there's an ejector seat. So if you commandeer the steering wheel, you will be jettisoned right out of the ceiling. That's ingenious. I wonder how they would prevent a takeover. That's very smart.

And it makes total sense. Yeah. I remember I went recently to San Francisco just because I love the people. What about the riceroni? Do you love that? I love the riceroni. Okay.

And so I went up to San Francisco Just because again, I was just hanging out with the people So I got to the airport and I got a Waymo And it drove me to my hotel And it had a kiosk check in You check yourself in And then I ordered some Uber food Uber eats delivered to the room

Yeah And then I watched some porn And I masturbated And then I flew home Were the Marines in the room when you were They were downstairs And so they didn't see so they drove by

and I was trying to aim it out the window to land on their electric car. Oh. But I missed. Speaking of, if I could just say my neighbor's wife got a Tesla. Yeah. And she doesn't even drive it.

She uses it as a vibrator. Really? Well, it's got a 425 mile range. I mean, you could masturbate from Glendale to San Jose and back. Yeah, yeah. You just made me think of that because of all the... So, wait, she lays down in the driveway in front of the car?

I don't watch your... She's just the battery life. It's... I don't know how she does it. Wow. But yeah, that's a battery. And then it's got the antenna on top, which are like the rabbit ears on a vibrator. Is that what they are?

Yeah. Okay. It does the clitoral stimulation. Is this a blue show? Do people work blue on this show? Uh, yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Why not? Freedom of speech. Say what you want to say. But it was just so great, you know, hanging out with people in San Francisco on my trip. You went alone. Yeah. And it sounds like your whole trip was automated.

I mean, you had an autopilot on the plane. Yeah. You had a car, a driverless car, so you didn't have to talk to anybody. You ordered food, so you didn't have to interact at a restaurant. At the kiosk to check in. And the kiosk was like an automatic check-in.

Yes. Did you just, for entertainment purposes, because I can't imagine you stayed in the room all day. Did you go to a Home Depot, gather a bunch of things, and then self-checkout with the guy? Yes, I did. I did. I got lumber.

I got screws. Oh, my God. Yeah, I got a battery and flowers. What'd you build? I built a flowery shed that runs on electricity from a battery. Wow. Yeah. You are one innovative guy.

Well, you don't know. I mean, you don't know if there's going to be another one. You remember Y2K where everything's shut down. I don't use lube. Do you use lube? It sounds like it. Raw dogg it. Oh, why'd you say that Y2K?

Chelly? What are you talking about? Why? Why 2K? Why? Why not 2K? Wasn't that from Shakespeare? Y2K or not to Y2K?

That is the question. I didn't. Because my ass hurts. That's the answer. Some guy yelling off screen, you know. Speaking of words and Shakespeare and literously, literate, literacy, literacy. You know our final segment, Greg Fitzsimmons. We do words from the wooden shoe. Oh, yeah. Where we dip into the old cloggy. You pull a word out and see if there's a story from your journey in life that that gets triggered by this random word. We never know what we're going to get here. This one says extra large. Oh, here we go. This is this from your shirt? Oh, my God. That's the story right there. That's how weird. When does that ever happen in anyone's lifetime? Just like doing this. It's on your finger. Yeah.

Like, it just literally bizarre. It's like a clothing leech. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, this says my skin. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Well, I'm Irish.

I took the test and I'm 99% Irish. Okay. What's the 1%? Mongol. Oh, wow. Because that was... Lloyd or just Mongo? No, just Mongo.

So not the Lloyd. I would guess the Lloyd, though. You look a little, about a 1% Mongoloid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, Mongol. Oid? No, just Mongol. It's a part of Asia.

That's sort of like a nickname, Liz Elizabeth. Can we just call you Mongoloid? It's obvious, guy. You're wearing an orange jacket. I took you this long to make fun of my orange jacket. I'm not making fun. I love it. I love it.

So my skin is, I'm Irish, so I always say my, laying in the sun for me is like putting a fork in the microwave. It just sparks and a lot of pain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I still believe on some level that I can tan after 58 years, I'll still lay out to see what happens. And all it does is turn pink and then back to white with, then the skin peels off. But isn't that the basic premise for tanning? Like the layer of epidermis burns off and then it allows for the tanning, that first shedding happens. Yes, it's like a snake. Yeah.

But underneath, it's the same white that was there before. It never goes to a darker. You look like you tan. Oh, I tan real nice. I look like Fabio at a build-your-own bear center. Oh, yeah. Like, just glaze me. Build your own Fabio.

Oh, glaze me and bend me over a 24-hour buffet and breathe in the shrimp. Yeah, yeah. Oh, so you don't, you're, are you sure that 1% wasn't albinos? It's possible. I don't think albinos can tan. You should be tanning a little. Yeah. You've never had a tan?

Well, I just burned. I was a caddy when I was a kid. I used to carry golf clubs for like three years at a country club. And I didn't wear a hat, and my nose used to get red. And then the skin would get hard as a rock. And I would peel off the hard scab. And then go back into the sun the next day, with the pink, raw skin getting hit by the...

So I'm definitely going to have skin cancer at some point. Have you been to the dermatologist? Have you checked? Yeah. Your figure in nose probably looked like E.T.'s finger. Yeah. Oh. Did the dermatologist find anything?

Well, he put his finger in my butt, you know, like they do. And he said that he doesn't think I have skin cancer. He put it in your butt Yeah Your dermatologist You know dermatologist Look at exterior skin So why did he put his finger on my butt

Well there is skin in your butt Right right right right okay I don't remember getting a burn back No I did get a burn back there And I was in Tijuana Huh Maybe he was looking at whether or not There was skin damage from my sunburn in Tijuana

Tijuana sunset they call that Yeah Tijuana sunset. Right. You don't forget a Tijuana Sunset. No, no. So two bottles of tequila, and then you wake up with your legs backwards on a Mexican mattress. Right.

Tijuana Sunset. Yeah. I haven't had one yet, but they sound fun. Well, they are fun. And, you know, you can do it now with AI. You can, on your own mattress. Oh, wow. You can do Tijuana Sunset.

T-S-A-I. Yeah. Love it. All right. Well, Greg, holy shit, man. We covered a lot of ground. Covered a lot. We did physics.

Oh, what didn't we do? We talked about Manson. We, uh, congratulations again on your role as Tim in the, uh, in the, uh, as bark. Bark, Bar, well, well, bark. Could be Tim, could be Park. Uh, bark out your tour dates, your, your, your, your Instagram, all your, all your, you're, all, your stuff, your podcast. Well, let's hear it.

Let's hear it. Well, the special, I've got a new special. Well, six months old. Yeah. It's called, you know me on YouTube. We just had a half a million views, which is very exciting. Good. Congrats.

And then when does this come out? This week? This podcast? Yeah. It was going to come out, but then the blue stuff at the end, we're probably not going to air this one. All right. But if you want to just make up a day.

I'll be in Boston, April 4th, and 5th. And then I'm going to be down in Tampa, Florida. I'll be in Huntington Beach, Escondido, Dayton, Kentucky, which is really Cincinnati. Anyway. Is that a dating site? Dayton? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. And Fitzdog Radio and Sunday Papers are the podcasts. Yeah. I've been on both. Check them out. You have. Right.

Check them out. One of my favorite guests of all time. Hello. And the studio loved you. Everybody kept talking about you for the next few weeks. They were just so excited that you came in and how funny you were. And this is why I got the, I think I got the role on White Lotus 4 because just what you said, all that stuff, it's almost like I can't shut it off. I know. And I think that that role of Tim,

it's almost like they wrote it for you. Yeah. Bark, bark. And let's not forget the creator wrote it for me. Michael Davidson. What was his name? Michael White. Yeah. Well, buddy. Thank you for being here. One of our faves here on the Harlan Highway podcast, ladies and gentlemen, Greg Fitzsimmons, check out his tour dates, check out his two podcasts, check out his new dancing studio, and check out his gynecologist. That's it for today, folks. We'll see you on White Lotus for, until next time, chicken chow main. You want to do the extra large dance? Extra large on my finger

Extra large of my life Extra large of my sister Extra large of my wife Hey, did it, did it? Oh shit We ran out of music I knew the music was going to run out someday Yeah

It played for so many years That's one thing you could never say to my legless sister I knew you were going to run out one day Good woman to marry See you next time Hey everybody How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh.

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