The Harland Highway - GREG FITZSIMMONS has saved a bunch of people's lives, and he pays to use the bathroom on airplanes!

Episode Date: September 24, 2024

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Hey, everybody, the Harland Highway 100,000 subscriber plaque is on its journey. Yes, you, the faithful pavement pounders who have decided to take the plaque under your wing, have begun moving it across the United States. went from California and now it's in Texas. Let's take a look at the first video and thank you everyone for being on board and thanks for subscribing. Subscribe.

Is that a wild plaque? Ooh, we got the hippocom butter. We're about to go shred with the plaque, taking it out on the water. We've got a little life jack life jacket for it, just making sure it fits. It's gonna be sick. All of my world. We're having fun.

We're having fun. Make it faster! You fell down but we saved it! Little baby Harland fell in the water once, but I had fun. I hit a buoy. Did you ever shoplift at Walgreens? Yep. What'd you get?

What'd you nab? Plan B. No way. Yep. Wow, it's my favorite science fiction movie. I shoplifted two breast pumps about a week ago. Did. Yeah, and holy God, am I dry.

Yeah. Like, just sucked me dry. Yeah, yeah, I know. I mean, good Lord. Are you? Did you have a baby? I didn't have a baby, but I just, you know, just for fun in the summer, I like to lactate. So I feel if I release my milk, if I get a couple of pumps on there and just let them suck all through the night.

Like that all through the night. You have to shave that chest hair to get a proper suction with the cups? You don't. These things, they could suck a blueberry pie through a fucking waffle house. Like, they're really strong. Yeah. Yeah. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. See, I don't know geographies. What's the capital of New York State? New York. Nope. Hold on. Capital of New York State is, whoa.

Oh, man, I don't know geography's guy, but let me, uh, yonkers? Albany. Albany. Ebony and Albany live together in perfect harmony. Okay. Tacoma? Oh, Tacoma, Washington. Tacoma, Washington.

Got it? Not the capital. What's the capital of Washington? Oh, that will be Washington, Seattle. Is it Seattle? It is. They just changed it. I got one.

A couple minutes ago. I got one, guy. Are we recording? Oh, yeah. Yeah, let's start. But do you want to plug some things? I don't know if we're going or not. Oh, yeah.

we were going oh oh yeah yeah Tulsa Tacoma Philly Philadelphia um we got Kansas City these are your comedy tour date tempi Tempe Arizona San Francisco oh Cleveland town yeah Cleveland Ohio it's dog dot com for tickets fits fits what fits dog Fitz dog dot com for tickets go see this kid in action a stand-up comic extraordinaire and we're going to talk about as the show progresses if you don't bolt. Yeah. You did a comedy special. I did.

It just came out. It just came out three weeks ago. What's it called guy? It's called, You Know Me. Okay. And, you know, it's dedicated to the people that know me, but also maybe don't know me, and they're going to get to know me. Okay, so it shouldn't be called, okay, yeah, I shouldn't tell you, I shouldn't tell you what your special should be called.

I was so late for that. Yeah, I was going to say maybe it should just be called everyone should know me, but the way you described it, but maybe the, you know, it's your special. Hey, look, you go to YouTube, it's free. That's the best part about it. That should have been the title of it. It's free. It's great, Rick Fix Simmons, it's free. Fix Simmons?

Well, it's my show. I mean, and I'm making up the title now, too. So if I want to halt to your name, Fitzgerald, I'll do it. But don't you think that really should have been it? It's Craig Fitzsimmons. It's free. Like, you're going to do well with that title. Wow.

It's like if McDonald's, McDonald's, it's free. Yeah. I mean, there'd be lineups all the way to Dolly Parton's fucking house of nightmares. Well, I think people want to pay for stuff. I don't think they take stuff seriously. Look, you've worked certain chain clubs over the years. Sure. And often they have a lot of seats.

Yeah. On an off night, you don't sell it out. And then they release free passes. Oh, yeah. And those people don't take the show seriously. Yeah, that's true. They're not as diehard comedy fans. They're just like, oh, we got a thing for a free ticket.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. They're not, which isn't to say some might show up and go, oh, this is way better than we expected. But there's got to be a percentage. that go yeah we're just here having drinks we're having a laugh who who's that guy yeah it's almost it's almost like um you know they're they're not expecting to laugh they're expecting to eat chicken

wings and have a couple of uh what do you call those those those glasses that have the they're made of like brass or copper and they put alcohol in them semi conductors what do you mean they're made of brass moscow mules oh what are those cups made of you said you said copper i think it's copper okay how was the comedy show great once they get over the lip cancer what the who drinks out of copper what are you the tin man from wizard of Oz used to be land yeah yeah it used to be lad you know what his dream was to have a glass huh is you know everybody in the wizard of Oz had another dream what to have a heart to have a brain to have courage.

What was the other one? To just have a glass instead of a copper cup. Speaking of Wizard of Oz, and you know my show, I dive in personal. Yeah. Have you ever made love so hard that your legs roll up, like when that witch dropped, well, the house walked on that witch? That's my goal.

Now that you say it, that sounds very visceral. That sounds like what I have felt like. the inside, but it hasn't physically happened yet. You know you're making good love that when you achieve, your legs just curl up. Remember the witch's legs when the house dropped on her? And she had the little striped panty hose. Her legs just curled up like Frito's corn chips. Speaking of which, I asked you for a beverage.

Yeah. And rather than get it for me, which a lot of hosts will do, but whatever. Oh, yeah, not me. You said you know where the fridge is. Right. Like this was an 80s bro movie or something. And so I went to your refrigerator and I opened it up to get one of these Waterloo grapes. Yeah.

And I saw a half-eaten bag of corn chips. Oh, yeah, Fritos. But who... Barbecue. Who puts a half-eaten bag of corn chips in the refrigerator? Is that like a big plan for later? I do because of the ants. Uh-huh.

I get ants. No, but who doesn't finish. It's not a large bag. Yeah. It's a fun-sized bag. Yeah, it was fun. And you only, it's almost all air. I want the fun to last.

Yeah. So I'll keep it in there three, four weeks. Oh. I eat about three corn chips a day just because it's so fun. Right. I just want the fun, I don't want the fun to end, fun guy. But what about the discipline that takes? Right.

You know, I mean, remember the old commercial for Frito's Lays? Bet you can't eat just one. Oh, right. You can eat three. Hey, bitch you can't just eat fun, is how I say. Yeah. Yeah. That is fun.

Yeah, they're fun. Yeah. You know what? I sometimes I'll roll them around in my mouth. And have you ever worked at a senior center? Naturally. These corn chips, the way they curl up, they kind of remind me of like the old folks, toenails.

Because one thing when I worked at the senior center, yeah, you can do a group sponge bath. He can have eight or nine oldies in the tub. Yeah. And no matter how much. scrub their skin and, you know, loofa off the psoriasis and the welts. One thing that the protein of a nail, an 89-year-old toenail, just the way it curls and the yellow shading really does look like a corn chip. And the only way to really clean it and get underneath it is to just suck on the end of it.

Yeah. Yeah. And gnaw. You got a gaufer. You got a gaufer or a beaver. I guess that's a beaver, right? Gofer, beaver, muskrat, capy bear. sometimes when you get a real, a biggie.

You got to go capy bearer. Biggest of all the rodents, by the way, living the Amazon. Really? Yeah. You didn't know about the capis? I didn't know you knew things about geography. Well, I don't know things about geography, but I do know about the rodent family

because I do care about old people and I work up at the senior center. And like I said, I'll scrub them down until you have senior suit. I don't know if you've ever looked at the bath water after a group sponge bath. But take your best clam chowder you've ever had and I'll hold that water up to it any day. Yeah. Come on.

And there's little pieces of clam floating around. Little pieces of clam. Not just a brawl. Yeah. And let me ask you this. When you've had a nice clam chowder, because you're from Boston. Well. You ever get a piece.

Well, same area. I don't know geography. Greg Fix Simmons. From life on. page from Boston. But what I was saying is you'll get a clam chowder, great, a great New York clam chowder, let's say. What's called Manhattan?

Manhattan, I don't know geography. And then you get a seniors clam chowder, and the seniors clam chowder, some of the clams will have a hair in them, which you won't get in a good Boston or New York or Manhattan chowder. That's true. And the thing is, it's not pubic hair. those fell out decades ago. That's, that's a, that's an eyebrow.

You know how the eyebrow and ear hairs get extremely long. Oh, God. That's what it is. Yeah. Or it's like a, like a mole and it's sort of, when you scrub it comes off and there's a hair sticking out. I had a great aunt. Oh, no. No, she's still alive.

Okay, great. I say past tense because I no longer speak to her. So she's not that great, really. She's a mediocre aunt, yeah. And she has a black head on her cheekbone. Racist. That just keeps getting bigger every year. Sure she's not a great white aunt.

Sorry, go ahead. And I want so bad to pop it because I know that it would be hard and long and tubular. Like the pus? Well, the puss is hard at that point. When it's been a black head that long, you could just pull it out with pliers and it would leave a, Yeah. Gaping hole in her cheek. And it wouldn't even come out as liquid.

It would come out. You ever buy a, like, glue or a tube of cocking and you leave it for like two or three years? Yeah. And then you pull it out and it's solidified. Yeah. That would be, the pus would be like a solid, like almost like a miniature log cake for an elf. Like a hard cock. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, I guess you got to call it what it is. I did say like a tube of cocking and then hard. It's like you're pulling a hard cock out of your great ant's face. Right. White. And she would rather you put one in. Whoa.

How great is this ant? She's about to get better. It sounds like it. Wait a minute. You want to meet her? Would I? Would I? How big is the pus hole?

Wow. Oh my God. You're really beginning head. Literally being head. Yeah. Not mouth. Wow, just head right in the cheek. Oh, God.

And then when you were done, she got another one on the other side. She turned her other cheek. Turn the other cheek. And then you could do it to that side too. God. How old do you think the black head is? Well, I literally, it's been decades. Really?

She's in her 90s. It's been decades. Have you ever said anything to her? No, nobody does. That's the thing. But you can see that underneath it, there's like some pus. You see that it's black and it's, you know, it's a pimple. Yeah.

Yeah. It's that funny you get to a certain age and people just go, yeah. The reading dinner. There's a fly on your face. That's all right. It's going to be a lot of flies on her face

in about seven weeks. Yeah, they drop the N-word and you're like, normally I'd correct somebody, but what are we going to do? The oldie dropped the N-word? No, no, but she did say the C-word. Oh. about Fox. I remember it at a certain time in like the 90s

where Fox had all black shows. It was like hanging with Mr. Cooper. Yeah, yeah. The Wains had a show. Yeah, yeah. And she goes, I can't watch. She's from Ireland. Oh.

I can't watch that Fox. It's nothing but sea people. So she replaced the end with the sea? Well, you know, the other word for black people. starts with a C. It does? Well, it did in like the 1950s. I don't know this one.

Think of like the N-A-C-P. Okay. That word, that C. Which I can't even, here's the weird thing is. Canoe? I don't know. I don't know this one.

Jesus Christ. This is a new one. We don't want, if it's a derogatory racist, where we can't say it. Well, we can't say it. But I didn't even know there was another one. You can't write.

N-word isn't bad enough. There's another one? There's an N-word pie? Yeah. Oh, geez, dude. Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah.

Well, is there another one for honky? Is there another layer to honky? Cracker. Oh, right. Yeah, you got cracker. So we have a pie for honky too. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. Have you ever been called a honky cracker, like the double? I don't think so. Not to my face. Yeah, I get it all the time. Do you? Oh, and I'm on the bus. Yeah.

Oh, get out of the seat there, honky cracker. And these are other white people talking to me. Oh, okay. Yeah. Dude, well, your aunt, holy Irish, huh? Yeah, Irish. Irish, using the racist words. But the thing in Ireland, the C word is also, it's a term of endearment there.

Oh, you sweet C word. Yeah. Oh, look, what a C word he is. I think you're thinking of a different C word than me. Oh. I don't know the other C word then. The C words, the derogatory. Thank for black people.

It didn't used to be derogatory. Can you give me the last letter on the C? D. C.D. Why have I never heard this? I don't think I want to hear it. I don't know if you're being serious. I'm totally serious.

I have never heard this before. Have you heard of a group called the NAACP? Yeah, but I don't know what it stands for. Okay. What's it stand for? Isn't this insane? I can't, I can write a check to this particular organization. Yeah.

Because it is, it is, the N double what? N-A-C-P. N-A-A, wait, N-A-C-P. Yeah. Okay, I don't, I have no idea, but National Athletic. National Association for the advancement of C people. Oh, colored. Yes.

What is that, wait, that's bad to say? I don't know. You can say colored people. I guess so. I guess so. We're all colored. Yeah. What's interesting though is I think we're colored wrong.

Yeah. Like they call us white and I think we're a bad shade of pink, if I'm being honest. Right, right, right. They call black people black, but most black people I've seen are a beautiful shade of golden brown. Yeah. Or a darker light shade of brown. It's, I don't think I've ever seen a black person. that is specifically as black as this.

Yeah. Chinese people, Asian people, I wouldn't say, are yellow. They're sort of, I don't know, a little bit kind of off eggshell white maybe. Yeah. And they call Latinos brown people. And they're more like deep tan people. Yeah, they're more like bronze, like golden. And then you got Indian people, Native American indigenous people they call red skin.

and they don't look red to me. Yeah, yeah. They look sort of more bronzy, like golden, very fall, very fall colors. And really albinos, albinos are the white. They're white. They're absolutely white. They're the honky crackers. Have you ever known an albino?

I do. And I'm saying that thinking in my head right now that you probably aren't supposed to say that word anymore. Albino? I bet you there's a different word for it now. Mm-mm. Their word is, here's the thing. My thing with an albino, I thought it was a ghost.

Yeah. And I didn't know this person. You thought it was a ghost? I thought it was a ghost. I thought the albino was a ghost. And I wasn't sure because, you know, this, this ghost, albino was walking, you know, the terrestrial plane with the rest of us. Yeah. And you could see people were a little off-putting, and then I went, it's a ghost.

and I grabbed the freak by the arm and I tried to throw it through the drywall because, you know, ghosts go through walls. They go right through walls. And smashed, the thing just went down. That's when you knew. And I knew it was an albino. The albino test.

It's like making a witch float. Yeah. All you can do with an albino is you try and throw them through a wall. And if they don't go through, that's an albino. Yeah. Or a honky cracker, as I call them. And the funny thing is they'll bleed when they hit the wall

and leave red. and you're like, color just came out of nothing. Right. Out of no color, you have a bright. Right. And what's interesting in the color chart, if you study the color chart as an artist, black and white,

which seems to be the polarizing colors in this country that often cause tension and racial change. Apparently, black and white are not officially colors. Did you know that? I did not know that. They're officially not considered colors. It's the negation of color and it's clear. Because neither of them can hold one another.

So they're officially not colors, but everything in between is. Interesting. So basically you and me and black people and other white people don't even really exist. So rightfully, we should be called pink and brown, I think. I like that. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers.

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Start your free trial at ORA.com slash control. That's A-U-R-A-com slash C-O-N-T-R-O-L for your free trial. That's aura.com slash control. Pink and brown. Yep. Pink and brown in harmony. And together in perfect harmony. Isn't that funny?

The only word we couldn't get on pitch was harmony. We're the worst pinks I've had on that. I am such a bad pink. You're a bad pink. I'm jealous of a brown right now. Yeah, you're like a jive pink. Yeah. Cracker pink.

Dirty, dirty cracker pink. Yeah. By the way, speaking of different entities, I've always wanted to ask you, what's your spirit animal? Do you have a spirit animal, you? My spirit animal is, I love birds. Oh. Yeah, I've always loved birds. If I had to, if I had to pick a specific bird, I'd say a bleep.

Blue jays make my heart sing i i get so happy when i see a bird or a blue jay just the color blue you're really into colors today by like yeah blue bird they're considered are they really blue people are racist against the bluebirds are they blue or are they an off shade of magenta yeah magenta jay yeah why the blue jay though what is it that that particular The bird stirs your heart, stirs your soul. It feels like you don't see it until the spring. Mm-hmm. So it's an Arbinger of spring.

Oh, I like that word. Arbinger. Yeah. Can you say that, can you define that? Because a lot of my viewers might never not have heard that word. I don't hear that one bantered around much. Yeah. If you could just tell us what Arbinger means.

Is this you trying to put me on the spot as if you don't think that I really know what the word? I think it's a beautiful, flowery, eloquent word. It's Harbinger. You don't hear it a lot. Yeah. And so if you could sort of. It's an omen. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sign of things to come or things that will be or might be.

Yeah. Wow. I like it. Yeah. It signals something that's coming. Wow. Yeah. You got to admit it's a flowery word.

It sort of took me off my game for a second. I know. I did not expect to hear that word today. Yeah. I'll be honest, in the last 20 years of my life, maybe 30, I don't know if I've ever heard someone, another human utter that word. Really? Like, I know it's in the vocabulary.

I know it's in the dictionary. Yeah. It's not that uncommon to see when you're reading literature. Uh-huh. But to hear another human being just injected into a sentence. Right. That was very disarming, but in the most beautiful way. I loved I loved the flow of it

I love the way it just fell into place with you It didn't feel forced Didn't feel forced it was just wow When I rehearsed it in the car driving over here I really thought about you know Don't oversell it Yeah just let it flow with the sentence Dude

Nailed it Nailed it Wow Yep Or um increased pressure on the top of it with a hammer. Yeah. No, that didn't really wear.

I was trying to be flowy and descriptive, but sorry. Well, I was an English major in college, so I feel like once in a while I should justify that money that my father spent. Is there a word you ever toss around that you knowingly have in the chamber that's kind of a let me toss that one was just organic but is there one in the chamber that you sort of toss out there now and then and it's it's definitely one you pop in to sort of elevate your game a bit what is it pedantic whoa what is it pedantic i've heard that but i'm i'm gonna sound like an idiot like i didn't know geography yeah i didn't know the other one you just did arbinger

arbinger and pedantic can you tell us what that one is no idea okay okay so it's just sort of a cosmetic play like just no the cosmetic is the word well that's one of my words that was my that was my word that I oh maybe for your show we should have like a game show where it goes ding ding ding ding like that was the word of the day right maybe before the podcast here's an idea okay you ask your listeners to mail in or email do you have yeah okay do you have email with associated with this show yeah have them email in secret words of the day and then you give your guest one to pick out of a hat they keep to themselves right you pick one out of the hat you have your assistant do it so you're not familiar with the words

right okay total mystery and then you each have to use that word during the podcast and the other person has to guess and stop and go that was the word and if they do they win five dollars from the other guy. But is it an... Or a woman. Or a woman. Let's be pedantic here. Yep.

Now, is it a thing where because the word is so obviously uncommon in the conversation that immediately, boom, someone gets it? Like, if you're like, oh, I was at the park the other day, I can't believe the amount of sand in that sedimentary bank over there. You know, does that, it's, oh, gee, sedimentary. Well, I think. it would feel like, number one, are they forcing it? Are they using it out of context with the conversation?

And also, is this a C-plus student using an A-minus word? Yeah. And you get to call it three times in the program, and then you're done. You can't guess. And you can't call it on them anymore. And you could send out false flags. You could say the word scintillating. Oh.

And the person might call you on it. You go, no, that wasn't it. Oh, okay. Okay, well, next time you're here, this, we're going to do this game. Okay, great. I sort of wish we'd done it today because you've already dropped like three power bombs on me.

Yeah, I know. Okay, so the Blue Jay is your spirit animal. Do you have a spirit sexual position? Yeah. What is it? I usually have the pillow under my right arm. Okay. And I have the computer on my chest.

And that way, I don't need my glasses because it feels, I don't feel sexy with my glasses on. Right. So I need it right up under my chin. Okay. Tucked under my chin. Got it. Yeah.

You're watching. What are you watching on your computer? You don't mind me asking. Blue Jays. Flocks and flocks of Blue Jays. A lot of flocking? Yeah, they're flocking. It's flocking season.

Wow. Yeah. And last question. Have you ever flown Spirit Airlines? Yes. Great. Okay, let's move on. Spirit Airlines is the one.

They were the first ones to start going like, all right, you're going to have to pay to put your bag over your head. That was them? They were the first ones to do it. And they were the first ones to say you've got to pay to sit in a better seat. I mean, there was always first class business and coach. They were the first ones to start delineating. Whoa, bro.

Between different sections. Was that? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Delineating. Just, look, I know what it is. Yeah. Ruth Rumble teeth over in Calabasas. And then we got Paul Parsnip nipples over.

If you could tell them what that means. Well, it's of or being related to Christalia. Yeah. Delineate. Yeah, yeah, good. Deleonating. Great. Yeah.

I knew that, but they didn't. No. Okay. So they don't go to the comedy store. Yeah. But what, that's okay. So then they started doing all these little pocket things at Spirit Airlines. And then they started charging you for a cup of coffee or a seven up.

Right. And then they started charging for, uh, checking in earlier as opposed to at the airport. Really? They charged for the back. bathroom now and it's no they don't yes there's different charge for a number one or a number two one is one dollar and a number two is two dollars is it a dollar per log or is it like like the dollar is for a number one but let's say you do a number two yeah but you drop like a multi log versus one log no no it's they charge you per lincoln law no they used to do that but i think the flight

attendance took umbrage with having to be in the stall. You can't make doing the count. Yeah. Umbrage. Yeah. For them, please. I know what umbrage is, but if you could. It's, uh, in the shade of the color, uh, umber.

Dude, you are on a roll today. Right. Wow. Yeah. So they charge for you to crack a lemonade and, uh, pinch a loaf. A pinch a loaf. Wow. How much is it?

it two dollars for a dollar for a lemonade and then around the corner chocolate made is two yeah yeah probably down to probably down to six

probably down to six but there's six people there are people yeah good spirit airways flying folk yeah so wait what was that one is you make the lemonade yeah around the corner chocolates made that's the beauty of kids right yeah only kids could come up like that was never uttered by an adult now it was like probably children eight years And it was milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner of chocolate made, stick your finger up the hole, something, something, titsy roll. Now you got a titsy roll.

Oh, my God. Isn't it funny that I, my brain, okay, which is not giant, it's the size of a hand. I wouldn't say that big. A baby's hand. Yeah, baby's hand, yeah. And it has the ability to store that, which I have not actually. It's been in the hard drive for maybe 47 years without me thinking it or saying it. And yet I can recall it from the hard drive this many years later.

And that, my friend, is the beauty of being on the Holland Highway podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome. It took us a while to get to the theme song. But we got there. You mean we weren't recording any of this? We were recording. But we didn't hit the theme song because we got so caught up. in the word play.

Ladies and gentlemen, Greg Fitzsimmons is here again. A pod favorite here on the Hall Highway podcast, a comedian, actor, writer, and just dropped a brand new comedy special free on YouTube. Well, it's called You Know Me on YouTube. You Know Me on YouTube. And it is free.

And it is free. Yeah. And check it out. Hey, everybody. Check out my merchandise at Har Blink. dot com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie, but not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at hardbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print.

And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys. And keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got coffee mugs. We got t-shirts. You name it. It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. And I'll just keep the groovy images coming. How's it doing? Is it, you put it up a few weeks back? Put it up three weeks ago.

It just hit 325,000 views, which is pretty good, right? And add seven from this. That's 325,000 and seven. Dude. Yeah. Congrats. Thank you. That's pretty monster.

I don't know. It's just the best part, honestly, is, and I'm being serious about this, is that I reached out to all my friends that have podcasts that I care about, the ones that I love. And all you guys said, come on on. You welcome me. And it makes me feel like I haven't had much to promote in a while since the pandemic. I've pretty much just been laying low, doing my stand-up, doing my podcast.

And to have something to come out and give me a reason to come on everybody's podcast has been a blast. Yeah. Yeah, the last month I've just been flying around the country doing podcasts. How many would you say you've done? 21. For real? Yeah. Wow.

This is the 21st. Wow, dude. Yeah. Wow. Rogan, Segura, Kreischer, Kill Tony, Shane Gillis, Ari Sheffir, Damn. Mark Marin, Neil Brennan,

Jay O'Kerson, David Cross, did I say that? David Cross? Yeah. I got a bunch more coming up, too. That's okay. But, dude.

Adam Carolla. Corolla. Oh, dude. Congratulations. Yeah, it's been fun. And I feel like nothing's gotten repeated because I feel like everybody's got their own personality on a podcast. Yeah.

And when you come on to each one, it's like its own sport. It's its own thing. It's its own thing. It's like it's reminiscent of when you did the talk show circuit, you know, right up until about five, six years ago when it sort of fell off. But every late night host had their own personality and you had to go in and adjust and learn how to have fun and it's kind of cool it's fun you remember dick cavett i remember dick cavit was uh very aridite whoa dude whoa so explain that one it's something that like

you uh if you if it's like a naked lesbian okay then there's a lot of air it's like think of airy Dyke. Oh, right, right. So it means of or related to a naked lesbian. Nastyneuxian Erie Dyke. Yeah. Quifing a lot. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And so he would sit back and he would have on Jimmy Hendrix and Sly from Sly and the family. So David Bowie. Bowie went on there. John Lennon went on there. Mohamed Ali. Yeah. Yeah, he had all. But he would go very, he would ask him, quite, he never tried to be cool, which was what made him so cool. He wore, he wore his kind of 70s suits, and he sat, you know, with the female way of crossing your legs.

Yeah, yeah. Uh-huh. And then he would just sort of like go deep with these people and take a lap, take a lap with them, you know, figure them out. There's times when I look in the mirror and I just go, I feel like a young Dick Cavett, because that's the approach I have here on the Harlan Highway. go deep. I get provocative. I kind of turn over all the stones. I find out about people. I find about what makes them tick. What makes the world tick? How do these ticking people fit into this

moving, revolving planet we're on, socially, economically, politically. I just, I feel like I'm just the jigsaw puzzle master. Everyone else shakes it up and then you come on my podcast and I slowly over the course of an hour as you're witnessing sort of join all the pieces. Yeah. and take this collage and sort of just put it together. And when people finish at the end of a Harlan Highway podcast, he just feel like, wow, where did he pull that from? How did he join the nerve endings? It's very much like the other hosts are one-dimensional and you're three-dimensional.

Yeah, yeah. It's like you're attacking space time and matter. Yeah. And you're taking them, but you're taking your thing is you never lose yourself as you do it. No. Like, I feel like you're taking, you've deconstructed me. Yeah. Precisely, yeah.

You've taken me apart and you've reassembled me, but the cement holding me back together and I won't change. I, this is the new me. Yeah, I came in here, Greg Fitzsimmons, born in the Bronx, grew up in New York, supposedly in Boston. Now, now I'm from Boston. Yeah. You reassembled me with Harlan Cement. I will go forward for the rest of my life affected. effected.

Let me do a noise from you to summarize what you just said. Remember the thing on Star Trek where they'd take your particles and disassemble them and then beam you down and then they'd reassemble. The first fax machine. Right. And that, well, more of like a tractor beam type of. a particle. But, yeah,

fax machine, sure. Agreed to disagree. Well, the show was set in the future and fax machines are from the 80s. It was the future of 1957, though. Well. Ladies and gentlemen,

the Harlan Highway podcast, We're into the second half, and we're coming out strong. Buddy, let's talk about speaking of the world and the way everything works. Yeah. Are we getting ruder as a society? Do you find people are getting ruder as we go along, or do you think people are plighter? I won't even tip the scales. I want to hear your answer.

Interesting question. Yeah. Well, one could argue that in some ways we've gotten more. more sensitive, making normal behavior more offensive. Or you could say that we've been desensitized by being isolated in our cars and in social media. And so we're not, we're not as good at engaging as we used to be. Wow. So there's a lot of single people around?

Huh? Oh, because they're not engaged? anymore? Well, you said they're not engaging. Is that when you give the ring back? Ladies and gentlemen. That's when you throw the ring at the person during an argument. That's disengaging, yeah. Have you ever had an incident that sticks out in your mind when someone was utterly rude to you out in public? because there's ever a standout moment when someone was just so rude and either you went into

the red zone or you were just in disbelief because they they did something that was like to you very sort of rude and pushy yeah well this I don't know this is pushy but this was rude this happened to me last week I live in last week yeah wow talk about a timely question this is what I do this is part of how I do this well I think you were being present When you thought to... Being what? Prussian. Wow.

And I just mentioned David Bowie. And if I had mentioned Freddie Mercury and the way you rolled into underpression, that's just unbelievable. Everything's connecting right now. Everything's connecting. That's part of what I do. I think I did the mime of the shaking the puzzle and the...

Yeah, the facts. Captain's log started 5.7, 9, 3, 2. the clangons have surrounded the ship and we must continue with the podcast. And I don't know why I did that, but it's part of the package, what I do. Were you time traveled back to a 1980s comedian just now? I don't know. Maybe I'm in Kevin Pollock's underwear drawer right now in my head. I don't know.

I must get back to the podcast with Greg Fitzsimmons. And I don't, see, this is why this works. Yeah. This is why my podcast works compared to like Theo Vons or Rogans that are just sort of hanging on. But what I do, anyways, I don't want to fluff myself up. No, I don't think you're fluffing yourself up. I think you're pointing out what nobody else has noticed. Like literally, not one person has noticed that yours is working.

Yeah. So I think it's important that you do highlight it at times during the course of the podcast. I guess someone needs to. Yeah. I mean, it's literally, I think it's going to catch on where one or two other people are going to start to say that this podcast is working. But it has to start with you. Yeah. Thank you.

Very well said. My God, you are on a roll today, my guy. Really? My prince. Yeah. So someone was rude to you just last week. I'm coming around the corner in Venice. On foot or on a bike, on a car?

I'm walking on my feet. Okay. Good choice. And I come around a corner, and there's a woman, a young woman, and she's got a chihuahua in her hands. Oh, God. And I bump into her, and I go, excuse me. And then she just kind of, doesn't say excuse me, just kind of nods. And I turn, and now she's walking behind me.

And I'm thinking, I'm I, now you get somebody behind you that you're kind of a little irritated by, and now they're behind you. Yeah. And then she goes, you are so cute. And I turn around and I go, thank you. And she goes, I was talking to the dog. And I thought, I thought she said it in a way like it wasn't even a possibility that she was talking to me. Like it could have only been the dog. Oh, yeah.

And I said, oh, I didn't know you were talking to Zazok. I go, can I talk to the dog too? And she goes naturally. And so I said, you are such a cunt. You are such a cold millennial witch. You are such a self-righteous. I'm just trying to help you there. You just sort of got into a log jam.

You're floating down the river and then bang. Just the canoe hit some stumps. What was the sound? If you had to make a sound for how that bit went, what would the sound be? Remember earlier we were talking how you had to pay $2 to pinch a loaf? Yeah. It'd probably be the flushing part of that.

Oh, okay. So, it was a fart as it was fludging. Yeah, the shit farted. Yeah. You know, if the shit's been up an ass all this time, it should at least know how to fart, because it already stinks, you know? Right, right, right.

I mean, a piece of shit should know how to fart. Yes. So you were basically channeling your anger and your animosity through the chihuahua as if you were talking to it, but the words were really meant for the ignoramus woman who used her chihuahua as an airbag when you collide it. Right. Wow.

Yeah. Did the chihuahua utter any type of noise when you, how hard was the impact when the chihuahua was? Oh. Yeah, which I think said at all. Yeah. With while saying so little. Yeah.

Sounds like a chihuahua quiff almost. Well, it's speaking Spanish. You have to remember that. Okay. Okay. Do you speak Spanish? Yes, fluent. No way.

Yeah. Want to hit me with something? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, Dias. Fuck.

I wish I knew Spanish. I know. Let me get, tell me what you said. probably some in another flowery paragraph or be quoting Edgar Allan Poe or something. What was that? No, I was talking about Kierkegaard once said that man's, that all kitsch and bad art is derived from the denial of the existence of shit.

Wow. You said that in Spanish, bro? Yeah. Bro. Said it 10 times. Bro, you are. Dude, you are on fire today. Yeah, I know.

Fuego. Whoa. Yeah. What's Fuego? It's a small dog. Oh. They call them Chihuahuas here in America. Okay.

There's something I've always wanted to ask you. Jesus, easy on those glasses. Those are Foster Grants there. You'd have to go all the way back to Walgreens to get another pair of those. Pretty much. $9.99. Yeah. Do you ever shoplift at Walgreens?

Yep. What'd you get? What'd you nab? Plan B. No way. Yep. Oh, wow. Did you take it?

Yeah. Wow. It's my favorite science. movie. I didn't know they I shoplifted two breast pumps about a week ago. Yeah, and holy God of my dry. Yeah. I just sucked me dry. Yeah, I know. I mean, good Lord. Are you

did you have a baby? I didn't have a baby, but I just just for fun in the summer I like to lactate. You know how dogs pant. Yeah. They say that's That's how a dog sweats. It's like, that's how they sweat. Yeah. So I feel if I release my milk, if I get a couple of pumps on there and just let them suck all through the night. Right.

Like that all through the night. And yeah, these look like someone punched it. It looks like someone got their assholes bleached, but put too much bleach on it. So my nipples are just puckered in. Yeah, yeah. Boy, I feel lighter. Yeah. On my feet, I feel sort of airy.

Mm-hmm. I feel sort of cosmopolitan ready to go. Yeah. Because my milk sacks are dry. Hey, so what did you want to talk about? Well, I want to tell you about Wagovi. Wagovi? Yeah, Wagoe.

What about it? On second thought, I might not be the right person to tell you. Oh, you're not? No, just ask your doctor. About Wagoe. Yeah, ask for it by name. Okay. So why did you bring me to the circus?

Oh, I'm really into Lion Tamer. You know, with the chair and everything. Ask your doctor for Wagovi by name. Visit wagovi.c.a for savings. Exclusions may apply. Sure. And do I have a cold drink in the fridge for the gardener? Sure.

So it's just something I do. Yeah. Well, I think that might be, now that you've introduced that idea out there, one of your seven listeners is probably a purve and is probably going to do this. A perv. Wait, wait, would that make me a purve?

Purve? Not you, but one of the listeners. One of the listeners is a perv because they did something else and they're going to do the milk, the jugs, pumps on top of it. Yeah. Right. Right. Okay. Yeah. Because I'm not a purve for getting my boobs sucked in the middle of the night. No. Okay. No, you're just a guy in a foreign land from Canada and you're trying to get your footing. Trying to get my footing. I just want to feel light on my feet. Yeah. Kind of like, you know, just just want to be ready to, you know. Do you have to shave that chest hair to get a good proper suction with the cups? You don't.

These things, they could suck a blueberry pie through a fucking waffle house. Like, they're really strong. Yeah. Yeah, like right through the drywall of a, have you ever been to the waffle house? The waffle house? Like the restaurant? Well, there's a million of them. Yeah.

Have you been to one? Yeah. Because these breast pumps, like, if you put one on the wall, like the brick and mortar, it would suck a blue one. blueberry pie right off the shelf and right through the drywall. Wow. These suckers are strong. So if you say it's late at night, you forgot your wallet, you're out, you want some blueberry

pie. Yeah. And you don't want to go in the restaurant with no money. Right. You just set up the breast pump in the back wall, like behind the parking lot. Throw it on the wall, yeah. And you suck it, you suck the blueberry pie right through. Or if you're in more of a high mood, kind of a high level food, like a lobster tail,

or maybe a nice marbled steak, you can put the breast pumps on your hand and literally go and climb like this. Well, you're going to laugh. Climb the side of a building up to a high-end restaurant on a rooftop and just down. They're great. You've got to get some breast pumps.

This is how strong they are, okay? when I put them on, I'm like sort of, it's like skim milk in there. Yeah. By the time these suckers have pumped me dry, it's like half and half cream. Unbelievable. Some of my friends who tested it even said it reminded them of walrus milk. Yeah, because that's rich. Like those walrus babies have to put on four pounds a day.

How much are you getting out? Oh, this thing's sucking like a couple of gallons a night. No. Yeah. Yeah. And if you let it go too long, like if you let it go, past where you're kind of supposed to, what they say in the manual.

Chocolate milk. Oh. Un-fucking real, bro. Do you think that might be shit? Like, it sucked all the moisture out of your body and now it's actually removing fecal matter? Whoa, I didn't think of that.

Because I wouldn't give that to your friends. I would. Well, you'd be giving them cholera. Well, one of them's a priest. He could use a new cholera. Well, they like the white cholera's, though. Not the brown. But if he's a shitty priest.

Well, that's an oxymoron. What'd you call me? Ladies and gentlemen. Dude, but no, this is where there's another element to what I do. By the way, just so, you know, this podcast goes all over the world. No, it does. A lot of them don't. Mine goes all over.

So you've got one person in each continent of the world. I've got, this goes out to. seven continents, right? And this goes to Bermuda even. There's people watching in Bermuda. But I had this vision of you. When I was, when I was prepping, and I do a lot of prep for the show, as you know, something came to me, and I could be compliant. I'm willing to accept I could be inaccurate. I could be way off. But something tells me, you know, the way we connect, did something happen in your life where, there was an accident around water. Did you witness a drowning?

Did someone almost drown? Did you almost at one point in your life? Was there a water incident? Do you want to hear something crazy? Yeah, because I picked up on that when I was prepping. I was trained as a lifeguard as a teenager. Here we go. Failed the test.

I think a sense of drowning coming. I've saved four people from drowning in my. life. Get lost. I swear to God, I've saved four people from drowning. Dude, how did I? I never knew that. Really? How would I know that? I don't talk about it. I don't like to talk about it. Well, we're talking about it today because there was something channeling to me and maybe one of the bodies was in a channel, but it just something told me there was something. Can we talk about it? Is it sensitive? Sure. No, I can talk about it. Let, can we talk about all four? Do all four. What was the first life you saved? The first one I save was my wife's aunt Joe and we were down in Atlantic City and it was like September and the

waves start to get a little choppy yeah and old Joe she was probably 68 at this point maybe 70 is this the one with the pus hole no different aunt okay because if that thing's left open you'll drown immediately well and you go down you're the right side of your head yeah go straight down yeah and And fish love that pus too. You get your head underwater and they'll start. You'll come up half a skull almost. But anyways, go ahead. Well, the sharks think it's a seal.

Yeah. Black and shiny in the water. Yeah, they love pus meat. And so she is used to going to the Long Island Sound where she would float on her back and there was no waves. And so she goes out in Atlantic City. And she's kind of like a, she's an odd bird. And she's floating on her back. And she gets sucked into the wave and she gets pulled out.

out and she's going under. Like a riptide or just like the back eddy of a wave? Like the back eddy of a wave. So it wasn't like a riptide that pulled her out. Okay. No, so I dove into the water and I went out and I pulled her up to the surface. And then I use with it in life saving, it's called a cross chest carry where you get you get them with their back to you and you reach across their chest. It's also a thing and they do doing West Hollywood, a sex act.

A cross chest carry. Yeah. Now that's his name cross chest. Gary. Oh, sorry. Got it. Go ahead.

And so I have her and you paddle side, you know, side stroke. Side stroke, yeah. And so I got her and then we're fighting the waves and blah, blah, blah, and I got her into the shore. And was she like unconscious? Was she gasping for air? She was completely panicked, gasping for air. She would have died if I hadn't gotten her. Yeah.

She would have died without a doubt. Wow. How old were you? 11. You were 11 years old. Yeah, my wife and I was 9. No, I was probably 32. Wow.

Yeah. Okay, that's number one. That's number one. What's the second one? This is unbelievable. Number two, my friend Evan Dunsky, who is a writer. He created Nurse Jackie. You ever see that on HBO?

No. I've heard of it, though. And he was a writer on CSI for about 10 years. Really great dude, a little older than me, probably 10 years older than me. Okay. We were down in Venice Beach. and we're riding boogie boards. Okay.

And he catches a wave, and I catch a wave, and then I realize it's closing out. I don't know if you know anything about waves, but sometimes they go up and they go straight down. Oh, yeah, they close out. They collapse on you. So I pull back off of the wave, and he stays on it, which means his feet come up, and his head goes straight down, and he hits the bottom of the ocean, and he's unconscious, and he comes up. Damn, I've done, I've had that. Yeah.

And it's sort of, in many cases, it can sort of bend your back. Yes. Yes. Oh. So he's unconscious and he comes up and I grab him and he kind of comes to consciousness. It's going in and out of consciousness and the waves are big and they're crashing on us. And I get a boogie board and I got it under them and I'm holding them. Wow.

And I'm screaming to the lifeguard. Lifeguard does not see us. There's not a lot of people on the beach. And so I thought you were a lifeguard. I didn't pass the test. So you couldn't scream at yourself? I'm a life observer more than a lifeguard. Yeah, kind of like a death guard.

If you didn't pass the lifeguard, kind of the opposite is death guard. But noble effort, so you get him up on the boogie board, he starts disco-dancing. He's going into consciousness, and I paddle him in. I get him to the shore, and then he sat there, and he was concussed. I think he was concussed. Whoa. Yeah. You think or you know?

I mean, when you lose consciousness, most likely you are concussed. And this is just a side tip, a safety tip for you people out there boogie boarding. Please wear a football helmet. And what was the third one? And by the way, when he got up on the boogie board, what song did you go to? Was it Casey in the Sunshine Band, the Bee Gees? Surfing Safari by the Beach Boys. Oh, God.

Okay. Let's go surfing down. Everybody's learning how come on a safari with me. That's not really boogie. That's sort of like 60s. Oh. Oh, I see. Like boogies more 70s disco era.

Oh, yeah. We got the funk by Parliament. Nice. Yeah. Can you sing a little bit? We got the funk. We got the funk. We got the funk.

Yeah. Maybe not. Get out the funk. Maybe asking you to sing wasn't. Sometimes I do a misstep on the. Well, sometimes you harm. harmonized with me and it comes out better. Are you concussed right now, do you think?

Or was it him that was concussed? I cussed earlier. I remember we had a big issue with that. Right. Well, we didn't really say it. Yeah. But you're not concussed? I'm not.

Do you remember the third life save? This is unbelievable that I picked up on this. And this is what you're getting here. Yeah. What was the third life saving? The third one, I was in Costa Rica with my family. And we were at hiking by Lake Aranal, which is in the center part of the country.

Sure. And there was a big waterfall falling into a lagoon, but the lagoon wasn't much wider than the waterfall was huge. It was very wide, very powerful. How high would you say? At least 120 feet. That's a massive waterfall. It's a huge waterfall.

It was very wide. And so we're at the bottom, and it's a tourist attraction. So there's a bunch of tourists there. And they tell their signs up don't swim in the water. So people are at the end. and they've got their feet in. And there's an area, there's an estuary where you can't. What a word.

I mean, that's going to stop a lot of people in their tracks hearing the story because they don't know what it is. I do. Yeah. They probably, a lot of them don't. But go. Who cares about it? You're on the roll guy.

You're on fire. So the estuary. All right. So you can go in the estuary. So I'm in my- Just so I can't do this. It's a place where they run horses in estuary. Go.

Go ahead. And so there's a group of Asian girls, and one of them goes in the water, and she gets sucked. There's an undertow because of the force of the waterfall. She gets sucked under it. Wow. I dive in. Yeah.

I go down. I grab her. Right. Yeah. And I pull her out. I get her out of the water. Her friends are taking selfies. And she doesn't even thank me.

doesn't even thank me. And so a bunch of people saw it. And I was with my family. We went back to the parking lot. And there was a bus full of kids that were from New Jersey. And they had recognized me earlier because I had hosted a show on MTV at one point. Right, right. And they say, oh, we know you from idiots of vans, blah, blah, blah.

So then we walked back to the parking lot and the kids from Jersey all start screaming, Hero! And they started going, hero! No, because they saw me save the life. And I looked at my son, I said, are you seeing this? Will you remember this, please? For when I'm telling you to do something and you're saying, Dad, you're not cool. Dad, you're a hero.

I'm a hero to these New Jersey kids. Now the girl, the Japanese girl that got sucked. Asian. Asian girl, was she was sucked under? Was she on concerts? Nope. She was not in a concert. She was under the water, so she couldn't hear anything.

And was she struggling? Was she? Yes, very much so. And so she was incapable of swimming. Couldn't swim. She was not a good swimmer. So you had to literally go and pull her out and saved a third life. Yep.

Yep. I feel like I should have gotten a tattoo for each one. Yeah. You know? You still can. Maybe I will. And did she sort of half walk out of the water? Because it sounds like the other two, they sort of got up on their own volition.

No, this one I had to pull her out of the side. She was, she, she just went limp. It must have been cold there in my shadow. You're everything I've wanted to be. And I could fly higher than an eagle. You are the wind beneath my feet. Lye, why, why, why, why. Oh, God, shit.

Come back. Harlan, come back. Sorry, I get so emotional. Give us number four, you life-saving whore. You lifesaver. The wind beneath your feet, I don't think, is as uplifting as wind beneath your wings. But I guess in Canada, in Canada, maybe it's wind beneath your feet because you guys have much bigger feet.

Yeah. And I left out the most crucial. Did you ever know that you're my hero? You're everything I wish I could be. And I could fly higher than an eagle. Because you are the wind beneath my wings. Sligh, fly, fly. Fly!

La! Wah! Wah! That sounded like a crow at the end. Yeah. Not an eagle. No. And give us number four.

Number four was just last year. Oh, my God. In Venice Beach. By the way, remind me to never go vacationing with you near water. I know. I think it might be you. Yeah. Go ahead, Neptune.

That's where I went to college. B.U. Well, oh, BS. And so, so I'm at the beach in Venice, and I'm out there, and I'm swimming around. Yeah. And the waves start to get big. And this was, this was about three or four days before. Do you remember there was a big kind of hurricane in L.A. last year?

Last year. Like, it was the first one I, I've been out of here 25 years. We never had a hurricane before. So it was a few days before. Real anomaly. I'm not familiar with anomaly. She was the little girl on Little House in the Prairie. Her parents owned the bakery.

Oh, I know, me. Yeah. You are the wind beneath my cheek. How much is it to do a piss? It's a dollar. You're the wind beneath that. Yeah. Little angel.

There is a little wind in the toilet and the plane, isn't there? Yeah. Sucks it. Like a big suck, almost like a breast pump. It is. Sometimes I'll lay down and put my tits on the toilet on a delta flight. Just do a milk drop. Right.

Because those are free, even on spirit. And TSA won't let you bring the pumps on. So you got to do what you got to do. I get your jugs suck somehow. Right. Go ahead. So now you're. So I'm swimming around.

I'm riding some waves. And they start to get very big. And there is absolutely a rip current. And so I go, I'm getting in. So I start swimming in. hard as I can, but I'm not getting closer, like I'm in place. Just like on a treadmill in the ocean. Wow.

And so I, and then I hear over my shoulder, I hear, help! And there's a guy behind me. And I turn around, he's got a shave head, he's got on swim goggles. And I go out and I'm like, all right, just ignore him. Just save yourself. But I don't, because that's not me. You're a lifeguard. You're a failed lifeguard.

Guard, you're a hero. And so I go out and I get him in the cross chest carry. Wow. And I do the side stroke and I'm getting, we're getting. Did he love it? He loved it. Yeah. It is weird when you're saving somebody and they're pushing back like they're, you know.

And it's like, why do the mouth to mouth when you can go right to the side stroke, Harry? We're not at the shore yet. Mouth to mouth is once you get to the beach. It's a little more romantic. Got it. And there's probably a bottle of wine and a blanket. Yeah. Okay.

so you're side stroking Harry side stroking Harry and then the waves are hitting us and knocking us down finding them I'm getting them back three more strokes wave hits us and then I'm like I literally it's the point where my muscles are dead I can't breathe and I'm like are we're going to die

and that's when I reached down and I realize I can just touch my feet to the bottom of the ocean but we're still getting hit so I get behind him and I'm pushing him and we're getting hit push him and finally we get to like like below my tits and I'm like all right I think we're going to make it now and that's when the lifeguard boat comes screaming in a lifeguard jumps off the back comes in and grabs my guy my

guy your guy yeah starts taking him in towards the shore I get sucked back into the wave he doesn't he forgets about me and now he's not paying attention because he's in at the shore you know he's yeah he's doing mouth to mouth with the guy which is weird because the guy was just fine Yeah. Felt forced. Almost felt like he was cheating on you in a way. A little bit. You had just finished doing the hard line hairy.

And then now he's on the beach like 20 seconds later making out with a foxy lifeguard all oiled up. And you're out there. Hey, what about me? I was just, you know, we just did the crosshair chestnut or whatever it's called. And now you're with that guy. And just minutes ago I was doing the sideways. salamander skin flab or what's it called it's called the cross chest carry yeah so you get sucked

off you get sucked out again i think it's sucked off because i mean then people a lot more people would be in the ocean i think i think it'd be hard to even get in the ocean yeah if you got sucked off when you went into a way right yeah so you get now this guy's having he's gone to pleasure island and you're like getting to the seas taking you reclaiming you yes and what happened Well, the sea was angry because the sea wanted him. Yeah. And I took him back. You disrupted the flow of the ether.

So it needed to even it out and take me. So how did you get out of it? So I eventually, it took me like five minutes and I finally struggled. I got in and I got to where the, you know, the riptide is still taking you out. But you're leaning into it. And I was trembling and I was out of breath. And then I shit my pants. My underwear, my bathing suit.

I shit. That's $2 right there. That's the spirit. Dude, you saved three lives, but at the end, you saved the most important life of all. Greg Fitzsimmons. Yeah. Right. Dude, you are on fire today.

Jesus. You've been on this podcast like 30, 40 times. This is the one that they're going to rewind. Really? I'm going to talk about. All right. You are flaming. You're flaming.

I remember. You're like flaming today. Well, we talked about a cross chest Gary. And I'm supposed to meet him for a frappuccino latte. Oh, wow. Pump, two pumps. Wow. Yeah.

In West Hollywood. But do you remember when we were, the last time we hung out, I think it was in Pittsburgh. We did that great show at that amazing theater for WKDVE. Was that the station, KDV? In Cincinnati, yeah. Nope, Pittsburgh. Well, you sing it. Oh, there you go.

WKDV in Cincinnati. And we, it was, I remember it was the Stanley Cup finals. Right. And we were standing backstage. And usually before comedians go on, you picture them. in the green room. They're doing shadow boxing and breath work and looking at notes. Stretches.

Literally 10 seconds before each of us goes on stage. We're staring at there's about six of us crowded around an iPhone. Yeah. Watching the finals. That was a good finals. That was good. Yeah. Nobody was watching the show.

We were just all watching them in each other. Yeah. I see Connor McDavid finally get one. Oh, dude. Yeah. Beautiful. I know. Well, buddy, can we just sort of, and what I do is I tell.

tie things together. Because life is cyclical. Yep. And what I do is I bring things around and sort of what I want to do is kind of end the show to remind the folks of your wonderful comedy special. It's getting so many views. We want to get more views. And outside of just views, it's hilarious.

So talk to the folks one last time before we wrap it up. Well, it's called for free. And it's Greg Fitzkimmons. it's called life on it's what's called life on this is my last special it's called uh you know me and i i would love it if you guys check it out it's getting really great feedback which is another thing that makes it worthwhile is just reading the comments from people yeah super positive people are donating which you can does a donate tab you know if you enjoy it throw two or three bucks maybe five well that's two bucks you can spend on spirit airways that's true so be careful so give me three

and save two. Yeah. And then, yeah, I'm just, I'm doing my Fitzdog radio podcast, which you were just on recently. You were right. Had a riot. And Sunday papers. And just, you know, that's, that's it. But just so generous to have me on to promote the special, but just mostly to hang out and be together.

Dude, it's not even the special. If you notice, if you look at the history of, I think you're my second most visited guest. And it's just, it's kind of like you came right in at the cycle where you're. special popped up anyways. That's right. So it all worked out. Good. And that's what I do.

I was telling you earlier, there's a symmetry. There's some kind of connectivity that I create without even trying or thinking about it. And even though I didn't go to high school and stuff, it just, it just happens. It's so weird. Why, is that something they teach in high school? I don't know, but I didn't mean not know stuff. Others knows. I wasn't going to bring up your nose.

Yeah. Please don't. It stinks. Kind of the elephant in the living room. Yeah. It smells. Yeah. My nose smells.

I know. Can you smell it? Wait a minute. Your nose smells too. Go like this. Whoa. Yeah. Weird.

Two smelly-nosed freaks. I feel like I'm a spirit airlines. Yeah, you don't want to smell on there. Folks. Greg Fitzsimmons. Check out his stand-up comedy. schedule, go see them all over the country. Please check out his beautiful, hilarious special on YouTube. And buddy, great to have you here. Thanks, man. Always a Siamese treat. I don't know what

that means, but a Siamese treat. And thanks for saving those lives. Yeah. I mean, the world, you know, the world's a bit of a different place because you saved four human beings. Who knows what their contributions are to make this whole Boloax move. So good for you. You know, the world's a bit of a different place. you, Lifesaver. Thank you. You failed Lifesaver school, but you ended up save them for. And I think that's the lesson for people to take away from failure in life is it very often leads to success

later. And I think my career has been an example of that. It hasn't happened yet. Yeah. But eventually I'm thinking that down the road, this is all going to pay off. Oh, yeah. You got a crosshair Charlie coming to you. Yeah. Yeah. Folks, that's it. Until next time,

chicken chow main, baby. And we'll see you next time. The music ended just perfectly. Perfect. That's part of what I do. It's just, I don't even try. Yeah. Fly!

Hi! Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. me some talking points and off we go you can get it for yourself or get it for a friend it's super easy and fun just go to the cameo app on your phone or to cameo.com and i record a custom video made just for you or your loved one your very own personalized harland

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