The Harland Highway - GREG FITZSIMMONS returns and it goes OFF THE RAILS fast! Road rage boxing and tests your wit!!

Episode Date: May 5, 2026

Pre-order WINGMAN now on Apple TV, Coming out May 26th! : https://tv.apple.com/us/movie/wingman/umc.cmc.nfzru25awp5jnendhudhjw9t This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp, Chubbies: -- Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com/harlandhighway - Chubbies is here to keep you comfy and looking good year-round. Get 20% off with code harlandhighway at chubbiesshorts.com/harlandhighway ! #chubbiespod Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en #podcast #harlandwilliams More Greg Fitzsimmons: Website: https://gregfitzsimmons.com/ X: https://x.com/GregFitzShow?lang=en Instragram: https://www.instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey folks, before we get started, just a quick little reminder. My new movie Wingman comes out May 26, and oh my gosh, I'm so excited. I want you to see it. You can pre-order it on Apple. You can see the pre-order link just down here below, and I think you're really going to love it. Wild Crazy Comedy is back. Wingman, May 26. And if you want to see me live, well, how about this, everybody?

You can catch me in Chicago, Illinois, May 8th at the Park West Theater, May 9th at the St. Paul, Minnesota Fitzgerald Theater, and then May 15th in Tucson, Arizona at the Rialto Theater. May 17th, Torrance, California at Mum Said Yes, and May 29th to the 30th, Oklahoma City at the Bricktown Comedy Club. So we'll see you there. Get your tickets at harlandwilliams.com before they sell out. And let's get right to the podcast.

Because I think I tried to say deserted island. Right. Which would have been right. And then you sort of word shamed me and made me look like an idiot and a stupid and a tarred. Well. But when we roll the tape back, I might have been accurate. Well, I don't think you can make somebody. you don't, I didn't make, I didn't have a gun, I didn't force you to lower your IQ.

You just were, and I observed it as your listeners did. That I'm dumb? I didn't say that. But I am stupid. Wait, if I'm dumb and stupid, what does that make me? Well, you'll never know. That's the thing, is you won't be able to figure it out. Wait, but you know.

I know. So on a scale, would you tell me how stupid I am? Would you be willing to share it? Well, if the number is too high, I don't know that you'd be able to process it. Like, if it was like one to three, yeah, you'd get it. Okay. Okay, so three. So I'm three stupid.

Yes. Okay. That's not bad. You're in this? Shatterbox. It's not me, guys. Chatterbox. We'll stop talking.

Ready, guy? Well, we've been waiting for you, to be honest. Bit of a chatterbox. You don't look like a chatterbox. I think, what? Well, maybe it's because I'm drinking green tea and I'm all jacked up. Oh, yeah, we're drinking tea today. I've never had tea on the pocket.

Look at the, what's that stuff that comes up? That's, uh, it's like a toxin. What is it? It's, uh, you have asbestos in your water, right? in your pipes? I do? Yeah, that's the asbestos. Breathing.

This is toxic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does that mean it'll hurt me? Yes. I thought tea's supposed to be healthy. Well, what do you want to live for a hour? How long do you want to live? Beyond a glass of tea.

God. Isn't that weird something we drink? I feel like a witch. Yeah, I know. Trouble, trouble, boiling, bubble. Wow. Did you put honey in my tea? No.

It's all right. I have it right here. You have green tea, right? Green tea, and then I've got this honey spray. Come on. Raw honey throat spray. No way. Yeah, because I'm losing my voice.

I spray four right in the back of the throat. Wait, you're losing your voice? Yeah. And you show up to do a podcast. Not any podcast. The Harlan Highway. Highway podcast. Yeah.

Great cue to hit the theme music. Folks, welcome to the Halle Highway Podcast. That's right. Now that's right. I guarantee. Our fave, Greg Fitzsimmons is here. Comedian, writer, dancer. I was going to say singer, but it sounds like you're losing your voice.

Harlem Highway. There's no. other way Harlan Highway It ain't free You gotta pay for the Harland Highway

Are they stopped the music? Well it ended perfectly It's almost like Not only did I want you to shut up But technology wanted you to shut up too Like the universe wanted you to shut up But you know what? I might, can I use that as this week's opening theme song?

That'd be great. Because it's good. And clip it. Let's make it viral. No, what it does is at the beginning of the pod, I play like the animation theme. Uh-huh. And usually one of our viewers sends in a song. Really?

But I'd like to use your rendition because it was the right length. Yeah. And I like the lyrics. Okay. And I actually like your voice. Really? Yeah. Have you thought about American Idol or no?

I don't worship idols. What about American Dildo? Yes. That I would go on. in a second. You'd go on it. I'd go well. You'd go on. Yeah. I guess so.

Took a weird turn. Let me drink some witch asbestos. I'm going to unbutton my shirt. It's a little warm in here. Oh, you want the AC on? No, it's fine. No, I'm going to put it on. I can take a hint. Hang on. Can you cover the pod? I'll cover the pod. So, I'm thinking, I played golf with a priest

two days ago, this guy, Kevin McCarthy out of New Jersey. And I grew up Catholic, and I grew up with, like, a lot, like, priests get a bad name. And the priests I grew up with were super progressive conversations. Their sermons were, like, interesting conversations. They weren't, like, fire and brimstone. And so it reminded me when I. golf with this guy, Kevin McCarthy. I was like... Sorry, buddy. My air conditioning

unit is down the street a few blocks. Oh. I just caught you were playing with a priest. No. I played golf with a priest. I thought I heard you played with a priest. Well, you know, it is, it would be... I was never touched by a priest.

Spiritually or emotionally? Physically, I was touched. Physically, I was touched. So you were touched by a priest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just said you weren't. Well... I just heard you say you played with a priest and you just said you were touched by a priest. Well, I forgot Harlan Highway traffic's in metaphor so much. I thought it was just like

kind of a... Metaphor. A matter five times. Just making his point, folks. I'm making his point. That was very metter. Whoa, whoa, wait. Metter or meta?

Well, I'm from New York, so you add an R at the end. It's like soda, soda, metter. Yeah. Yeah. Sodor. Yeah. Hey, pal, would you like a soda? Yeah. Like if you, my, my, uh, I was born in the Bronx.

My parents are from the Bronx. And my mother says, soda. And then if you go to Boston, they take that R that the Bronx added, take it right off. There they say Wada. Wada. No R. So if you add the R, what do you do when you're at a social function? You say, this is my daughter.

Er. Oh, I see what you're saying. Do you have to like extend daughter? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do? Yes. So this is my beautiful daughter. Yep.

It seems like too much. Or the word or. Orr. Or. Or. Or. Or. Yeah.

This is my daughter. She's a welder. Or, as some call her, a laypersoner. Does layperson end with R? Well, layer. Layer. Layer. What's person and with?

Personer. An. Person. Oh, that's Scottish. Scottish. Scottish. What do the Scottish ad? If the New Yorkers are in R, what do the Scottish ad?

I think they lose letters. I think they lose letters. I think they get rid of them. Yeah. Because listen to what I'm saying right now, and it's like after the letters of the alphabet. And it's it. It's just the vowels.

Yeah. They disavowal themselves. They disavowal themselves. No, the opposite, they add avowal themselves. Well, it's my show. Well, you invited me on as a guest. I drove up your stupid hill. I know, but here's the rub, my guy.

Okay. You come up here, podcasts, I don't know if you've been on any. It's usually about an hour and hour and a half of pure vocational. vocalizing, speaking, communicating. First thing you say, you sit down and you go, I ain't got no voice, er. I'm just like, what are we doing here? What kind of game are we playing?

What kind of mental chest are we doing here today? Yeah. Marcel Marceau. Right. I showed up to a gunfight with a knife. Right. You showed up to a mime fight with throat cancer. Yep.

Wait. No. Yeah. No. Yeah? No. Okay. Wait.

It's a debate. I showed up to a debate with... With a mime. With a mime. With a mime set. Yeah. With the wrong mimes set. Right.

And I can't change my mind. Would you like to mime a response? Like if I ask you one of my questions, would you like to... How was your day so far? You had an erection? A wide one. And you punched your girlfriend's... in the pumpkin.

She rolled down the hill. She hit a bus and you ran away as fast as you could and sucked off a trailer hitch and swallowed. Picked your nose flung it

caught it and ate it. Wow, dude. Folks, welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. We're going to, I'd rather talk. Let's talk. I mean, I started by singing. I feel like we're offering every type of communication in this podcast.

Good singing and actually good miming. Yeah. Like that was some good miming. Right, right. I studied in France. Really? What city? Paris.

Wow. Yeah. Do you remember the name of the Academy? to me or la col de la tuas which in english is the school of twat that's correct la col du la tuat yeah there were prostitutes there as well they were getting graduate degrees no way yeah oh my god so how many times did they watch the dustin-hoffman movie it was in english too so i was wow yeah how many times have you watched the graduate twas and do you have a degree cat wow you watch you watch it with a cat.

Yeah. Buddy, welcome back to the Harlan Highway. It's so good to be back. God. I just always just like hanging out with me, whether it's my podcast or your podcast, standing in the back of the comedy club, I light up.

When I see you in the hallway, the comedy store, I get so happy. I've, and this is interesting because in nature, there's a insect called a firefly. And I don't, have you ever seen one at night, light up? It's almost like,

they're almost like living Tinkerbell. Yeah. And when you say you light up when you see me at the comedy store in the hallway, which is usually dark. Uh-huh. I remember one night you were so excited to see me your buttocks lit up through your pants. I actually saw your two ash cheeks like light up right through your jeans. That's right. And you put me in a jar, a glass jar.

Yeah. And you poked holes in the top. In the top. Yes. Which I appreciate it. Yeah. Got to breathe, my guy. Yes.

Have you ever caught a firefly in real life? Oh, I grew up on the East Coast. So we had tons of fireflies. We used to catch them and put them in jars. You did? Me too. And if you crushed them and you smear them, this sounds sick, but you're a kid. And you actually get the glow.

Really? The glow juice. The glow juice goes right on you. Is that right? Yes, where to God. Yeah, I did that once too. I literally got a mason jar and I think I caught about 30. Yeah.

And it was pitch black because you're usually up in cottage country or something. I could literally read by it. because if you just have one, it goes off and on. So that's like trying to read with a strobe light. Yeah. But when you have 30, there's always going to be a few on at the same time. So we have a steady stream of light. Yes, yes.

And it's sort of an eerie, green, incandescent light. Right. But nonetheless, it's light. And if you needed to read in the dark, if you were lost in the Amazon, if you were lost in the Andes. Toluca Lake. Yeah. And you needed to read a book while you were waiting to be rescued.

Yeah. Catch yourself some fireflies. That's a cool nature tip. What would be the one book if you were waiting to get rescued, and it could be weeks? Yeah. What's the one book that you would have? Where am I lost, first of all? Because this is important. It's an island. You're on a, you're on like a desert island. There's no other distractions. Then I'm reading, I already know, I'm reading Nancy Drew's The Mystery of the Deserted Island.

And then I read, right to... It's a mystery what dessert you're going to have on the island? Oh, the desert island, sorry. I added an R. Yes. I added an R on desert. Because you're from the Bronx. Yeah, I said dessert.

Yeah. But I would read Nancy Drew's The Mystery of the Desert Island. Yeah. And can there be an island in the middle of the desert if a desert's landlocked? That is an interesting point. Because I think I tried to say deserted island, which would have been right. And then you sort of word shamed me and made me look like an idiot and a stupid and a tard. But when we roll the tape back, I might have been accurate.

Well, I don't think you can make somebody. You don't, I didn't make. I didn't have a gun. I didn't force you to lower your IQ. You just were. And I observed it as your listeners did. That I'm dumb? I didn't say that.

But I am stupid. Wait, if I'm dumb and stupid, what does that make me? Well, you'll never know. That's the thing, is you won't be able to figure it out. Wait, but you know. I know. So on a scale, would you tell me how stupid I am? Would you be willing to share it? Well, if the number is too high, I don't know that you'd be able to process it. Like, if it was like one to three, yeah, you'd get. get it. Okay. Okay, so three. So I'm three stupid. Yes. Okay. That's not bad. But that's what sells. You know, that's a thing about podcasting today. Nobody's looking, nobody's listening to Einstein's podcast. Right. They want Harlan Williams. Yeah. They want stupid. Yes. I'm trending. Stupid is trending. Yes. Uh, three, level three stupidity is in the, what's the algorithm.

The zeitgeist. It's in the algorithm. The algorithm. Yeah. Uh, okay. Good word for you, by the way. Algorithm. It is?

I just made you a two. You're a two now. So I, I just got stupider. Three is the stupidest you can do. Oh, so I'm now I'm smarter. Yes. I drop down to smarter. Hmm.

That sounds stupid. Yeah, that does sound stupid. I just gave you a... Two and a half. Yeah. Just gave me a what-for? Why? What four would I...

What? What? Four. What four? I think it's like this. What? Did you do the four that goes like this, or do you do the four that goes like that?

No, I do the open four. I think the clothes four is for women. It's like their legs. They want to keep them closed. Yeah. There's this four. Oh, this one's out of ink. Jesus.

Well, that sharpy wasn't very sharp. Talk about stupid. How about a stupy? So there's this four. Right. All right. Yeah. But then there's this.

I don't know if I can even do the other four. I've never done the other four I think that's the first time I've ever drawn that four I actually had trouble with it well because it's the female four but why do we have two fours like there's a three fours give me the pen

there's only one one no that's not true wait there's a wait what there's a third four there's a third four which is oh but that's for Romans are you Roman how many Romans are watching my show

well how many friends how many countrymen, you know? Yeah, but I mean, what are the odds of Romans? Like, do you think there's some guy sitting in a gladiator costume on his couch in Cleveland with a can of Pringles watching the Harland Highway right now? Well, if he was, then that would mean you have people from the past that have projected forward to listen to podcasts.

Or they've had access to 2,025 years later, and they're sitting in the form. not the LA Forum, the Rome Forum. You keep saying four. You said forum, you said forecast, you keep slipping in the word foreign. This is very clever. Well, you're against them. I'm forum.

There's another one. And so he's sitting in the forum and he's in a toga with sandals and he's watching you. He's listening to me sing. Right. And he is accessing what he thinks is the future, which should be progress, But then he's seeing your intelligence, and he's not telling anybody. He doesn't want people in Rome to know where a civilization is headed. And you know why he's not telling anyone?

Why? Because he just got attacked by a lion on his couch. He's a gladiator. Right. I'm not great in math. I'm stupid. But, bro, you just created a new math equation. if there's three fours, and I do the math, doesn't that equal three?

So therefore, four is three. What happened to four? If there's three fours, it becomes three. And you mentioned Einstein earlier, and I'm sure he would agree if he wasn't laying in the ground up at Forest Lawn, with hundreds of thousands of maggots squiggling around in his eye sockets and his epidermal layers

like corroding into the earth and his bones dissolving into calcium in his rotted cedar casket. My friend, you just went down to a one. You're a one. See the top right number? Yeah. That's you. That's me.

I misjudged you and I apologize. So I'm one, level one stupid. Yes. I feel like that's a bit of an accomplishment, though, to do it this fast. Yes, it is. Is there anything below one? Well, then you get into the spectrum of intelligence, and 100 would be the dumbest smart person. Whereas you're number one, so you're the dumbest, you're the smartest dumb person.

Yeah. Okay, I'll take that. If it's got the word smart in it, I'm going to. take that all the way to the place where they put money. In what? How did you do in school growing up? How were your grades? Well, it's funny you said grade because I didn't go to school.

My father actually drove a grader. He graded roads, gravel roads, and he put me on it when I was first able to walk. Wow. He said, son, school's not for all kids. You're going to do something that's practical. You're going to do something that's maybe not going to make you a millionaire. but we'll keep steady income coming in, get up on that grader, and level out that gravel road.

And so my grading was done on top of a Caterpillar, 572 grader, on all the back roads and county lines that you could put in your underpants and rub around on your sweaty Armenian nutbag. And that's coming from a stupid. So that was, so he put you on the road to success, literally. Yeah, yeah. Wow.

And I had good grades. Like I'd have people, farmers, I'd have people from the neighborhood. Hey, great grade. And that's, you know, so when you asked me, how are my grades? All I can say is what they told me, great. And you got straight A's. Like people would see the road and they would go, A. Well, it's unfortunately in farm country, you run over a lot of dogs.

And you get people running out, asshole, asshole. And so the A's, I got a lot of A's. I got a lot of A's for that. Right, right. And a few children, ran over a few children, but they looked like dogs. Sometimes kids, the way they run, they look like a dog.

Who knows, when you're running a grader at night. Yeah. Well, after you run them over, they look like dogs. Before you hit them, they look like children. Have you ever hit a critter in your car? Yes. Oh, can we talk?

I know it's a touchy area, folks, but can we talk about it? I was driving. the comedy club one night, and I lived down in Venice Beach. Oh, boy. You hit a surfer? It was a dark, it was a dark road with no street lamps, and I'm driving along, and I wasn't speeding.

I was going reasonable, and then all of a sudden, I just see this thing dart in front of my car, and I hear the thump. Oh, God. And I'm like, no, so I back up, and I hear the thump again, and I get out, and I look, and it's a black cat, which first of all is bad luck. For it.

Very bad luck for him. Not for you. He's probably running across the road going, weird guy with English newspaper salesman hat is bad luck to me. Yeah. And so I went over to it and I tried to pump its chest

and then I tried to do mouth to mouth to mouth. And it was dead. and so I looked on the collar and it said Enki, his name was Enki. He was a black cat named Inky and he was crushed. Yeah. And I called the number and I said,

the woman said hello and I said, do you have a cat named Inky? And she said, yeah. I said, I'm so sorry, but I just, and she starts screaming. And I said, I go, what's your address? And she told me, I go, I'm right in front of your house.

And she came out screaming and wailing. And she grabbed the cat, she put it in her arms, and I'm standing there going, I'm sorry. And the neighbors all came out. And there was like a crowd of people. And then one of the neighbors goes, you should just go.

And so I drove to the comedy store, and I told jokes to people. Yeah. You know, if you dug up that cat today, it'd be stinky. Yeah. Was that really that five? Honey, were you just, because I'm stupid, you were trying to...

No, no, no, that was good. It was? Yeah. Because I felt like that was the first faky you've done all day. Really? It felt like a faky. Well... Stinky, stinky, faky.

Yeah. It felt like a... Do it again. You know, things happen in threes? Yeah, yeah. Do it again. So if they dug up inky today, he'd be stinky. See, this is what I feel like you really wanted to do.

No. And what you did, you do it, and I'll show you what you did. So if you dug that... So if you dug that cat up today, he'd be called stinky. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And that's what you do.

I want to laugh. I want to laugh at that, but I feel like you're now looking at my laughs and judging them and grading them. Well, I think people who watched, your laugh just, it was a little fake. Let's roll it back. Yeah. You know, if you dug up that cat today, it'd be stinky. Okay, I was wrong. Okay.

It was legit. I apologize. It was, you know, the thing is, there was a rhythm to it. It was a long story. It was dark. I didn't have any laughs built into it. I was setting you up to break the tension with something comedic. So when you did, I was just relieved that you made a joke.

Yeah, because it was heavy in here. Yes. I mean, running over a cat in the middle of the night on purpose is sort of... It was not on purpose. I didn't say that. And then it darted underneath my tires. And then when you get out and you pull it out and you said you put your mouth on it and you're licking a pussy right in the street, that's heavy.

Yeah. And then when you read... Harry pussy. Yeah. And then when you read the nancy... necklace and the necklaces that's stinky 532 Culver Drive, but you phone the owner knowing you're out front pretending you don't know where they live so that they have to come out and see the animal you just killed and sadistically in your head you're having some kind of Jeffrey

Dahmer thrill session watching their anguish and their torment because you killed the cat on purpose you could have just drove away but you knew where their address was and then playing stupid like someone I know that you don't know where they live. She walks out screaming and wailing. And then the whole community comes and your euphoria builds because you love watching human pain and right at the peak of the anger of the emotion of the crying of the dismay. You floor it out of there, hit a dog and go to the comedy store and joke about it. Who are you, Domer? I might have embellished a little bit. Well, I think that once you kill the cat, you realize like I felt so bad until the woman come out and you're right it really changed when I saw her pain

I just it made me realize how I wasn't feeling that pain and it made me feel really good that I wasn't in that much pain she paid for you to kill the cat yes how much did she pain pain you said she she was paying no she was in pain okay I'm stupid okay I thought you said she was pain Maybe you would hear better if you didn't have these muffs on your ears. What if I flip them around? E equals MC square, 5 divided by 27 millennials equals 26 trillion bytes. There is a quantity of quantum disease. Okay, that's too much.

I can't handle that guy. That's real. I don't know. I was faking it, though. So if you do a real one and I do a fake one at the same time, does that cancel it out? Yeah. They have to both be fake at the same time. Right.

Yeah. But for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. And I think for a stupid guy, I just displayed that because I was still on the fumes of being smarter. Right. But that's dissipating. I can feel it and now I feel I'm stupid again. Yeah. Speaking of driving, my guy.

Yeah. You drive around on these highways. in Los Angeles. Speaking of driving N words, are you dyslexic in any way? Is this on your script? No. Why?

I don't know. It just came out of nowhere. And then you've got a script in front of you, so I was wondering, is that like, do you, while I'm driving up your crazy road to get up here, which is one way, even though it's two ways, it's one lane. And I drove up here, and you were sitting at a typewriter,

not even a computer, a typewriter. And you were writing out ideas to ask me. Is that what that script is? So let's review. Yeah. We've been sitting here for 20 minutes talking about two things. Words, language, how we pronounce things, and driving. That's two things?

Could that be any more organic to my next segue into you drive and are you dyslexic? I can't think of anything more pure and uninformed, but yes, I do have a bit that I wrote out I'm about to do, and I'd ask you to let me get it out and not interrupt me. I'm stupid. He's son of a bitch. Look, man, I've been in this game a long time. A player knows a player. Yeah, I can't dance around you. But that's what I like about when me and you get together. We like to dance around and see. It's almost like Merry Weather versus Sugar Ray. Yeah. But not in an antagonistic way. No. In a beautiful dance of Shakespearean wordsmithing. Yeah.

Almost homoer. Now, what was the... I wasn't going to say homoerotic. I said Homer. Oh, okay. I wonder if Homer Simpson was ever homoerotic. Oh, stupid, European rubbing oil on my flesh. Yep.

No! So let me do this organic bit that I didn't write out. Okay. Well, do you want me to pretend to answer your question to lead you in? into your bit? Yeah. If you don't mind. Okay.

Because I've been doing nothing but supporting you this whole podcast. I feel like it, yeah. And what about my fake laugh? That's not support? Hey folks, Harland here, and I want to talk to you about chubbies. Yeah, chubbies.

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like the wind under your wings? But I'm stupid. Stupids can get away with anything. You weren't so stupid that you knew it was a fake laugh. You caught that. So you're saying I'm faking being stupid. This whole thing could have been part of my dance. Yeah.

A little rope a dope-a-dote. Might have been. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. or the birds and the bees. When a man and a woman lay down together, they have coitus and inseminate each other and then reproduce and carry on the human species. So why is it called the birds and the bees?

Do the birds have sex with the bees? No, because parents tell their children outside so that if they don't understand it, they can let them run away. Oh, I see. But if they're in the house and they don't understand it, they run up to their rooms and they mess for the first time. Anyway.

And if mommy's yelling, then they can just come in and say she got stung. Yeah. Stung by a bee. Did you do birds and bees talks with your kids? I did. No way. I did with my son. Was that the most awkward thing of being a parent?

I picked my son up at his friend's house, which was exactly seven minutes from our house. How old was he? He's 19. And he got in the back of the car, and I started driving. and I started telling him the speech knowing that I only had seven minutes and he was in the back seat so I could look at him in the rearview mirror

without us having to look at each other eye and eye. Why was he in the back? Driving Miss Daisy? What is what is wrong with you? Oh, I drive Uber. You didn't know that? Okay. Yeah. You put your kid in the back for one of the most important talks of his life? Yeah.

So he's in the back seat. He used to like to ride in the back. Okay, elitist. And so I told him and he kind of said, Dad, I already know this. And I went good. He was 19.

No, he was probably 12, 11, maybe 11. But he already knew it. He already knew it. Well, kids today, they had cell phones. They've seen everything. Dude, it's not today. It was many, many years ago. No, I told him today.

He's... Oh. Yeah, he's 11. Oh, you told him today. Yeah. How lucky I asked... He's in the back of the car. I drove him here.

Oh, you left him outside. Yeah. Are the windows cracked? No, they're solid. I mean, if they were cracked, I'd probably go get them fixed. Oh, okay. Yeah. Safe care, delight, safe. I don't know that jingle. What is that, that, that... To fix windshield? Yeah, it's that. I've never heard it. Safe care, delight. Oh, it's in my head right now. I'm too stupid to know it. You're not stupid.

Rachel, can you look up the... Rachel, Amber, can you look up the jingle for, I think it's safeguard. It's a wind, repair, they come to your house and they repair your window, your car windows at your house. And I'm just asking, because I want to save your son. He's probably boiling right now. Well, he's broiling. There's no water. There's no water in the car.

He's broiling. Safeguard. Yeah. Amber, are you there? What is it? Do you have it? Safe light replace. You're on there. That was fast, Amber.

Nicely done. Wait, do it again? How do you... Don't hit play yet. We're going to put... We're going to get flag by the algorithm now. Just hit play. Ready?

I was all around it for a stupid guy. I didn't have the words, but I was definitely going, da, josh, la la, la, la. Like, almost like when Helen Keller was trying to talk. Like, ready? Safe light repair, safe flag replace. Yeah. Wait, Helen Keller?

Safe flag replace. Oh, dude. I nailed it. That sounded like... Thank you, Amber. It sounded more like Anne Frank. Safeguard repair... Wait.

Safeguard repair. Safeguard replace. And I tried to do it a little sexual. Yeah. I tried to put sort of a French whisper on it. So would you mind? Because I don't have kids. My parents tried to do the birds and bees talk with me.

I don't know if this is too uncomfortable for you. What's your son's name? name? Owen. Could I be Owen, 12-year-old Owen for a minute, and your daddy, and you give me the birds and the bees talk? Okay. Okay. I'm in the back seat, right? Okay. Go ahead. Okay, son, sometimes when a man has had a few, you know, the brown liquid daddy has? Yeah, the beers, daddy? Yeah, when daddy has those, sometimes he will bump up against mommy.

When Daddy has 15 or 16 like he does every night, Daddy? Yes. Then Mommy will sometimes let Daddy rub up against her. Okay. And then they rub together and they love each other. They show their love. Okay, Daddy. And then Mommy will lay back and open her mouth.

And then Daddy will, you know, tea. You ever see the bags that you put in tea? Yes, Daddy, I have one right here. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I thought I had one. Well, it's just like that. It's just like dipping the bag into the tea. What, Mommy's the tea?

Mommy's the cup. And you're the bag? Well, Daddy's, do you know how we kick balls in the yard? Yes. Like soccer balls. Yes. Basketballs. Yes, Daddy.

Well, Daddy has balls. Okay. And he puts those into Mommy's cup. Okay. And the bees come outside of the birds? The bees are the balls. That it's short for balls. Daddy, would you do me a favor?

Yeah. Could you just pull over and let me get out? I'm scared, Daddy. And also, I'm going to call an Amber alert. You just did. You just alerted Amber to get that ad. I just did it, Amber. Do you want to hear something crazy?

My, the producer of my podcast is also named Amber. No way. Amber Easton. Yep. Guy or girl? It's a woman. And the crazy thing is, I don't think I've ever known an Amber in my life. And now I know two.

And they're both podcast producers. Wow. For me and my friend. Isn't that weird? That is weird. And all this came from your son learning how to fuck. Well. How to, yeah, have fun.

Have fun. Yeah. Well, thank you for sharing. That is fascinating. My parents never sat me down and had the talk. They were too scared, I think. And so me and my sisters, my older sisters, they had these little books. Oh, God, where is this going?

I've seen these videos on the Internet. No, this is a book. Oh, okay. Video. The sisters, the steps, was they step sisters? No, my real organic children. biological sisters. Yeah.

Oh, they weren't part of the talk. Okay. No, no, they were at the other end of my parents teaching us of the birds and the bees. We'd come home after school, and there'd be a little book on our pillow that said, Dr. Smithonian talks to 14 to 12-year-olds about sexual whatever. So they won't even sit down, at least you stuff. your kid in the back seat where you didn't have to look at him, but he could hear you. Yeah. My parents didn't even want to be in the same room or verbalize it to us. Wow.

And what's ironic is we, I, my sisters are the result of their frantic, hot, steamy, sweaty night sexual intercourse. We were made of their lust, their passion, their sexual activity, and yet they can't even turn around and look at the byproduct of their power. thing in the middle of the night they're thunder ramming, they're hot, steamy, sweaty jumbo jacking sitting right in front of them. We're the result and they can't even look us in the eye

and tell us how we were made. They put a stupid little pamphlet. Yeah. I would have rather been in the backseat with your son. My ears plugged eating a fucking corn dog. I mean, it's like they made you a delicious dinner, a lasagna, and you said,

mom and dad, this is amazing. How did this happen? And then they just leave a cookbook on your dresser. Yeah. Nothing about the rubbing of the pasta and the grinding of the cheese. No, just a cold, hard book. Yeah. Jeez. At least your son, you know, had something. Can I tell you the story of the first time I masturbated? I had a mouthful of hot liquid just when you said that And I really don't know if you planned that But So I was doing it

And I discovered that I enjoyed it On my own, nobody explained what it was It just happened one Yeah And so I began doing it a lot Yeah, I'm listening And so I thought I was being Are you okay?

No, just, Ray when you said that, I had a mouthful of warm liquid, and I think you saw that this dance were doing, I think that was one of your fucking beautiful uppercuts. It was, wasn't it? A little bit. Okay, go ahead. I'm through it.

So I began masturbating pretty frequently. And so I was up in my room, and you remember this back in Canada. Your bed probably had real springs under it, right? Like a box spring? Yeah. We had springs? Sure.

So I would masturbate. And I noticed it was making a creaking noise. And so I would lay very, very still while I masturbated because I didn't want to make the squeaking noise in the house. And so meanwhile, the TV room was directly under my bedroom. So I would squeak it. I put my feet, I push my feet against the headboard to keep the bed from moving. And then I thought I was getting away with it. And then I came home from school one day.

And there was three in one oil on my dresser. and my mom had oiled the box springs and then just left the oil there. To say, kind of we hear the squeaking. I guess so. And you know your mom left it? Because it feels like your dad would be the more mechanically mined person in the family,

not to be sexist, but I feel like a man knows more about squeaking and oils than a woman. I don't believe my father ever went up the flight of stairs to our bedrooms, which is a good thing. Wow. My mother was the only one who came upstairs.

Wow. I really wish I was in the backseat of a car driving somewhere right now. Because when we hear about you doing what you just said, we then have to visualize you doing. And we've been buddies a long time. And I've visualized you skating, flying a kite, driving, frolicing on the beach. And now you just forced me to picture.

you doing something I never wanted to see. Here's what I love about Canadians is that you have, in some ways, you're much more free and in other ways I feel like you're very puritanical sexually. Like I think of you as very, like you never talk dirty. You never say inappropriate things about women. Even when you're dating somebody, I'll ask you like what positions are using, whatever. And you'll draw them. but you've never talked about it.

No. I don't want to verbally share that information. Yeah. Because when you verbalize, human beings have what we call an imagination, and they in turn visualize. And so all my viewers right now, while you sit there and subtly suck down your green tea,

are picturing a young Greg Fitzsimmons, in his bedroom, humping up and down on a dirty mattress full of rust and bedbugs and mealworms, probably granola, probably your first third or second puby, somewhere mixed up in your C-3P-O-R-2D2 bed sheets. I mean, dude,

there's a lot of people right now feeling like they want to puke their brains out all over the floor. Yeah. And also they're picturing a boy who's 14 years old. So this is very, very inappropriate. Yeah, this is very inappropriate. For them, they're picturing it.

They're picturing it. Not us. Well, you did. I did. Fuck. Yeah. So me and them are going to be in some kind of trouble now. You're in some kind of thought jail that you'll answer for in the afterlife.

But wait, you're the guy who did it and you're just scoff free? Well, I was 14. So you get to hump away, you get to dry hump a celie postopedic, and we all go into some kind of delinquent center for your erotic pleasures? That is an interesting thing about pedophilia is nobody ever talks about, you know, the kids, like if you're 15 and you have sex with a 15-year-old, that's not pedophilia. Are they allowed to? Yeah.

They are? I think as long as nobody's over 18, then it's fine. Wait, are kids under the legal age allowed to do that? Well, not by Catholic standards, but legally they can have sex with each other. They can? As long as it's consensual. I never thought about that. But yet somebody is still having sex with a 15-year-old girl.

Who? The 15-year-old boy. Right. So. But just to be equal, isn't the 15-year-old girl? having sex with the fifth. Why do we always put it on the mail? Right. She's doing it too. It takes two to tango, as they say, down at my dance studio in the valley, 572-3 Ventura Boulevard, Top Hat Harry's Dance Studio, where I'm learning ballroom, box step, and the waltz recently. Is this how you pay for the podcast?

Plugs for... No, it's not a plug. I just like people to know what I'm interested in. Are you afraid people are going to show up, though, like fans that want to see you? in the wild dancing? Maybe, I don't mind. Yeah. Would you dance right now? I would, but I threw my ass out this morning. There was a tractor...

We threw it out? Was it trash day? No, a tractor trailer pinned a young boy to the ground. He backed up on a child about four blocks from here, and I heard the screaming, and I ran over, and all my adrenaline just... And I lifted an 18-wheeler off a young child, and the neighbors were like, Clark can. Clark can. I go, no, I'm just a guy. I'm just a podcaster. Greg Fitzsimmons is on his way.

And then unlike you, who kind of got off on slaughtering a cat, I had one hand, pulled the boy out with my free hand, held him up by his neck like a cat. Yeah. Let his legs wiggle, and then I pinched his flesh, so he screamed so they knew he was alive. And then his legs were wiggling, and I put him down on the pavement. And because his legs were still wiggling, he just off he went. Like a cartoon. And I let the truck down and now here I sit. Boy, did I ever get out of that weird pedophilia conversation? He's like, wow. That's the way I dance.

Can I tell my driving story now nine minutes later? If it involves dyslexia, absolutely. Oh, yeah, it does. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't have anything here. So in Los Angeles, the city of anales, we... Los Analyst. I do believe in the red states they call us Los Analysts.

They do? Yeah. If they didn't, they will once they go to the podcast. They will now. And they're going to call us a lot of things after this podcast. I'm sure Safe Light protects. Safe Light is great or whatever that. They're going to be so happy right after that.

A pedo conversation occurred. Yeah, great. Is it Peto or Pito? I don't know. No, I'm not one. You tell me. Amber. Is it peto or peto?

And by the way, bring the safe light thing if we're going to do this before she answers. I mean, I want to be able, we're already down the safe flight thing. We might as well answer it. All right. So he has a question for you. Is it peto or peto? I think in America, peto and the UK. Oh, wow.

Safe light repair, safe flight replace Pito repair Pito replace Safe light repair Safe flight replace Dude Can I finish my story? Can you start your story?

Jesus, you know just fucking You're Open Go Okay In L.A. Los Analyst The City of Aenols

We have driving, we have big massive highways And they have this thing called the HOV lane, the diamond lane where you can drive If you have an electric vehicle or there's more than one person in the car If you get into that lane and you don't have more than one person, you're getting a big traffic fine In L.A. it's like $600. $680. Yeah, it's big. They don't want you doing it.

So cut to me, who's got dyslexia, I'm thinking I got to get somewhere. I'm going to cheat the system. There's no way I'm going to get caught. I go into the diamond lane. Cop lights me up, pulls me over, walks to the window. He goes, sir, why are you in the diamond lane? You're the only one in the car.

I say, I have AIDS. And he goes, he goes, what do you mean you have AIDS? I say, I'm in the HIV lane. And he goes, well, you were going way over the speed limit. And I said, no, I wasn't. And he said, are you positive? And I said, I'm HIV positive. And he said, all right, buddy, what's your name?

And I said, Johnson. He goes, your first name, Magic. And anyways, I didn't write that down at all. Did I miss anything? But why do people with AIDS need to get there faster? It's because they have less time to be alive. Yeah, that's it. They're trying to help them get in as much life as possible.

We don't have as much time. Yeah. You got to be in that HIV lane. Like your life is a lot shorter than the guy who's just going to Walmart. And is it the same at supermarkets, 12 items or less, or HIV? Oh. It gets to go on the express lane? I think it should be.

Yeah. If it's not. Yeah, you got less time. Damn. Yeah. Damn, boy. Shee. Shee.

Shit, boy. Damn. Some bitch. Some bitch. Diem. Hey folks, this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Yes, indeed, BetterHelp. You know, the world's a topsy, turvy, fast-moving machine.

And sometimes you can get overwhelmed. I know with me sometimes I have so many projects going on and so many deadlines to meet. You can just get, you know, a little freaked out. Sometimes you need to talk to somebody. So this is Mental Health Awareness Month, this may, and maybe this is an opportunity for you to check in with yourself. If you've been feeling overwhelmed, stuck, anxious, or unsure, acknowledge that. Let you know that those feelings are more common than you think, and you don't have to navigate those alone. Better help therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully

licensed in the U.S. Do you hear that? BetterHelp therapist. Yes. You don't have to be on this journey alone, find support, and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash Harland Highway. That's betterhelp.com slash Harland Highway. And know that you're not alone. There's always somebody there with some better help. Speaking of phones, my guy. Amber just came in here. Are you sick and tired? Have you ever been a superhero?

No. Have you ever been Captain America? No. Okay. So what's with all the Americans using their phones like Captain America's Shield? Have you seen them like on the TikToks? When everyone's at a demonstration or somebody,

like, oh, I'm not calling the... And then they do this. Oh, really? And they're doing the... Oh, okay. Let's get my... lawyer on the phone. Oh, you mean when a police officer is coming at them or something? Or anyone

in the street, like if they're at a riot or if they're at being a cost, it's like, oh, okay. Suddenly they're like a woodpecker. They're like an eye pecker or an android pecker. Oh, really? Why don't we get my lawyer on the phone? Okay. Okay, what's your name? Okay. Okay, let me just

let me get my lawyer and my sister, my father. We'll get to the bottom of this. How about that? I've got an iPhone. It's like a fucking woodpecker. Yeah, yeah. Like, what is with that? It's a rectangle. Right.

It's not going to stop you from getting beaten up or shot. It's a rectangle. Now. Have you ever done that where you've used your phone as sort of a weapon or a shield? Never. Never once. But you've seen people do it, right? Yes, I did it.

I had a guy, I had road rage one day, which I get road rage sometimes. You had it. You had it. Yeah, I get it. See, I'm surprised because you were one of the chillest guys I know, except when you're not running over a cat. No, no, no, I get into fights. You? Yeah, my whole life, I've gotten into fights.

I have a very bad temper. With kids? You mean goats? Why would I hit a goat? I love animals. Is there stupid? Oh. And I'd love to hit a goat because they have those sideways pupils.

Yeah. I just love to punch one, and when it shakes its head, its pupils are normal. Yeah. Right? Bang. Bigh. You hit it so hard its pupils stood up straight. So this guy...

Wait, okay. So I had road rage. And I was... So I started tailgating this guy from like an inch behind him, going pretty fast. And we got up to a red light, and then he got out of his car with the phone. And he started videotaping my license plate and me.

But I, at that time, wasn't doing anything. I was sitting at a red light. So I just gave the finger. I just sat there like, what, is this a crime? I just said to it. I go, is this a crime? Oh, well, why don't we ask my lawyer? That's two fingers?

One or two? Okay. Okay, let's do what my lawyer says. You're asking for the crime? Let's find out. Let me call Larry H. Parker right now. We'll see what... Larry H. Parker.

Fucking Woody the phone, Woodpecker. They should make the phones out of wood. Just to get the same sound of the woodpecker. Wait, I never took you for a road rage guy. So what happened? Did it lead to a fight? No. No. I have punched people during road rage. Come on.

A guy was driving down my street, and he was swerving. He was running people off the road on purpose. What? And I went up, and I was walking, and I got out, and I went up to him. No, no, I was driving. I was driving. I had a cup of coffee in my hand, and I was with my friend Will, and I pulled up in front of his car, and I got out, and I walked over, and I punched him in the face. and then he pulled off.

The guy just pulled off. And then he had sunglasses on, and sunglasses flew across the car. And I got back in the car and I asked him for the coffee. And then we just kept driving to the hardware store. Hand wasn't shaking.

He was like, what the fuck was that? And I realized I was, I was totally calm. I just did it. Well, that's the mark of a guy who's a fighter. Yeah.

So just to put this in perspective, in your lifetime, could you say how many fights you've been in? roughly? Well, you know, like you, I played hockey, so there was a lot of hockey fights. But street fights? Street fights, probably, I got put in jail twice for fighting. For real. Yeah, for real. You know what's fascinating about this? And in a way, I admire you. And in a way, I'm going to sort of shame our audience right now. But it's a fact. Yeah. Most grown men, and it's sort of sad,

have never thrown a punch or been the recipient of a punch maybe to the body but not in a real fisty cuff way. Maybe as a child like wrestling and wrestling but if he had a brother. Yeah. But even that counts

because a fist fight is a fist fight but a real fist fight. That's why that movie Fight Club was fascinating to me because I hate to say it it's not by design. It's because of the world we live in us men and maybe women probably were much more warrior-esque back in the primal days,

but we've been sort of emasculated by the confines of society where most of us don't know the feel of a punch or the sensation of giving a punch. And I think it has affected people's behavior. I think people were better behaved when there was the possibility of being punched in the face. Yeah. But even when the possibility exists, it's just been kind of ingrained into us as a society not to go there for legal ramifications, for societal ramifications. And I'm not saying that we should go out and pummel each other and beat each other up, but it's interesting that that sort of primal urge, that thing that

moved us in a way, that violence that propelled us to the top of the food chain, in essence, has been sort of squeezed out of us. Yeah. And so even time, tough guys. And this is, I'm not trying to be mean, but I'll see guys walking around with tattoos and, you know, guys at the mall and guys, you know, in their cars. Most guys these days have sort of these tough guy tattoos. And sure, they look kind of good cosmetically, but probably 98% of them have never, ever, like, punched or felt a punch. Yeah. And not that they should, but it's just, I don't know, there's, I feel like as men, it's like, it's sort of a, a right of passage that we should.

But do you think that that's why MMA is so big right now? Yeah, I think I think men sort of people live through that, you know, vicariously because they get to see it, but they get to sit in a soft place and don't feel anything, but they get to watch it. And then they get to talk about the fighters, and that makes them feel kind of tough that they even know who these fighters are. Yeah, that's sort of their extension of being tough. but it's, I think every guy secretly wishes, man, I wish I had the balls to do that.

Because these guys that do that are tough. Hockey players are tough. Yeah. Because that's the only sport in professional sports where you can actually go at it. Like there's, you'll see the baseball fights where a guy runs out and nobody connects. Right. And even if they do, it's, but hockey fights, they'll go on like it's an M.M. They were probably the original MMA fights, if you think of it.

I remember one of my favorite players of all time was a defenseman for the Bruins name Chara, Zadena Chara. He was from Slovakia. He was from Slovakia. He was the captain for like 15 years. She was also a Spanish singer who was on the Tonight Show a lot. No, as a gentleman. Oh, I'm thinking of Chara. Oh, you're thinking of Chara. Charo. Yeah.

You're saying Chara. Chara, Zadena Chara. Got it. Okay, yeah. And he was six foot five and he used to, he would palm, people and it got to the point where guys would just take a dive. Like they would let him hit him once and they'd go down. So at one point some guy takes a dive and he picks him up by his jersey and continues hitting him while holding him up in the air.

Oh, sort of Darth Vader style. Just like, suck my fist, Luke. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, there was a guy like that on Toronto called. His name was Wendell Clark. and not only was, he was sort of a shorter, stockier guy,

but he would take on any goon. A lot of the times the other players would stay away from the big, like, certified goons. For those of you that don't know, in the NHL, they have what are called goon players, which are more like enforcers to protect the top players like Gretzky and the guys that are the superstars so they don't get hurt. Yeah.

But most regular players who aren't goons know not to fight the goons because they're twice their size and they're great fighters. But there was this guy on Toronto named Wendell Clark, who was half their size, and he was like a pit bull. You can watch his fights on YouTube. Type in Wendell Clark hockey fights. But here's the kicker. Not only could he fight,

a lot of these goons were great hockey players, but not premium-level hockey players. Wendell was a super-skilled hockey player, and he probably wasn't supposed to fight because he went on to be the captain of the team. But he would, if you rubbed him the wrong way, he was just like, he would throw down. Well, what's his name is like the, uh, Marshawn on the Bruins now? Yeah.

He's a, like, you know, he's a captain. Yeah, yeah. One of the high scores. Yeah, yeah. He fights anybody. That's great, man. And he's not a big dude. Yeah, these are tough guys.

Yeah. And I think every man inside, not to, not to, you know, promote violence. But I think every man wishes or would have liked to at some point in their life. been able to at least feel it. Yeah. I think it's because my father used to hit us a lot. Really? I'm not, yeah, but I'm not one of those people like,

oh, my father hit me too much. You know, he hit me, but it was just right. Wow. Like, I remember the last time getting up off the ground and just thinking, perfect. You know, he just nailed it. He, like, knocked you out or just knocked you down? No, just the right amount.

The amount of times was just right. Wow. Like, it gave me an edge without it being barbed. Eric. Yeah. But it made me somebody that wasn't afraid to get hit. Yeah. Because really that's what it is in a fight.

You're not afraid to hit somebody. You're afraid to get it. And if you've been hit, you know, it's not that big of a deal. Well, that's where I was going to ask you where that came from. Because as a kid and a guy who you said you were fearless when you hit that guy, that has to come from somewhere. And if you learn at an early age to take a hit, I'm not suggesting fathers go out and beat their kids. but that's sort of the, I'm not going to say silver lining,

but that's sort of the net result of being bullied, of maybe being hit around by your dad, which I think bullying is more organic because it's just kids that don't understand their physicality and their emotions. A dad hitting a kid, I can't really get behind, but that's unfortunate. But in anything, there's some kind of residual thing

that came out of it that it made you stronger and tougher. Yeah. Did you ever resent your dad that he hit you around? Oh, no, it's awful that he hit me. I'm not, I was making a joke about it. Oh, right. Like, no, it's awful. I mean, it's, there's no excuse to ever hit your child. Yeah. Because the thing is, your child, like, your job in life is to protect this smaller, weaker thing. Yeah. And that's, you're supposed to defend that child from any danger. And when you be come that danger? Yeah. That really fucks the kid's head up.

Oh, so the whole thing about your dad hitting you was a bit? No, no, he used to hit me. I'm saying, but the bit, the bit was me saying that it was perfect. He was just right. I was just joking around about that. So he did hit you?

Yes. A lot? Not a ton, but yeah, pretty regularly. Wow. Yeah. And is there a resentment? Was there a hatred towards dad? There was a lot of anger towards dad.

Yeah, but until I stood up to him. That's what I was going to ask. Was there ever a day, when you went enough and just hit him back? Well, he was six foot, he was six foot two, and he was born in the Bronx, and he was a tough guy. And so at one point,

I came home, and my sister had come home drunk, and she was probably about 16 or 15, and he was beating her. In the back seat? No, right in her face. Okay. And I came downstairs,

and I stood in between them. And I said, if you want to hit somebody, you can hit me. And he stopped. And then I walked her upstairs and she was crying. And then he came up to my room and he said, if you ever do that to me again in my house, you'll be out. I was in college at the time. He goes, I won't pay for college and blah, blah, blah. And that was it. And then he, we kind of had a different relationship after that. Better or worse? I think it was better for me. I don't know how it was for him. Because that sounds like that

sounded like a lot of heavy threats, which I would think you would have been like, screw you. No, but it was an empty threat. It was a threat from a guy who had lost his real power. Right. You took it away from him. Yes. And your sister must be like, you're my hero. Yeah. Was he going to hit your sister? He did. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Dude, is he still alive? No, he died young. He was an alcoholic. Dude, this is really like turning into more of a therapy session now. Yeah, a little bit. Or like a confession, like you're my priest?

I don't want to do that because earlier you said you played with your priest and touched your priest. Played golf. But do you have your wallet on you? No. Do you have any money? No. Damn it. Because I usually charge for a good therapy session.

Oh, because I was going to say the podcast is free, right? Yeah, I think we've, we've, uh, super, preceded the podcast. This is a full-on therapy session now. Like, I am in a bill you. Do you feel like this is good for your podcast or bad for your podcast? I'm not trying to exploit you. I'm not trying to get clicks or get viewers based on your childhood trauma. I find it sort of courageous and fascinating that you're opening up to me about this stuff. and I like it because I can see you're not afraid to talk about it. But I've known you a long time,

and I didn't know about this multitude of psychological layers. And now I'm like, I'm not stupid anymore. I'm throwing that away. I'm like a DeVry psychologist. So is this online? Well, this is, I want to stop the Harlan Highway podcast bullshit. and I want to help you. Right.

But unfortunately, we're right near, like, as psychologists, psychiatrists often say, the hours are. Oh, isn't that the worst moment? And I was right here. Yeah. You can see I'm starting to dig in. Right. I can see a bit of healing even.

But I feel like that's, you and I, we don't do a podcast. We're in the midst of a series of podcasts that I think we've talked about doing it even more frequently than we do, and we just, it just doesn't like, you know. It's a cereal. It's a cereal. So this is the cliffhanger, I think, for the next episode. Yeah, this is like we're going to do binge casting. Yeah.

And I've made a pact with Kirk Fox to have them on every six weeks. Really? This year is a new thing. And people are loving it. If you want to step into the arena and be the other six week guy, I'm up for it. Absolutely. Because we got a lot of fucking, this is a deep dish pizza. Yeah.

We got to slice it up. Can I simplify things for you? And this will close out and then we'll do words from a wooden shoe because your hours are almost up. You can't afford it beyond this. This is an easy, you road rage, you've got all this trauma, violence, punching. This is how I get rid of my road rage and no one gets hurt. You drive around, you get cut off by someone, they flip you off, they maybe even ding you. You're raging, you want to chase them down.

It's going to end up in lawsuits, maybe fisticuffs, violence. Here's what you do. Next time you get cut off, you're full of road rage. Find a waymo. These are driverless taxis that drive around Los Angeles. There's no one behind the wheel. Pull one over, cut it off. They have cameras all over them.

If you screech in front of them, they have to stop. Get out, walk up with your Glock, fill the side door with holes. Wow. Yel, posture up like a peacock on display. fucking stand there display you fucker you cut me off motherfucker just display like a peacock or a

a draft and just you fuck boom boom shoot the windshield out shoot the tires can I turn the gun sideways to Denzel Washington King Kong ain't got nothing on me Waymo get back in your car

everything's gone it's like a punching bag it's free metal right yeah it's called Waymo Road Rage Aggression Outlet. Yeah. So that's from me to you, and I'm going to add that on to the bill a little extra. Okay, okay.

That's great. Wow, this was heavy. Yeah. Let's get to Words with a Wooden Shoe, our final segment. Let's lighten it up. This was heavy, but it was necessary. Okay. We pull a word out of the wooden shoe, and Greg Fitzsimmons tell us if it sparks a story from

your incredible journey. What do we got? Loving moment with mom. Wow, what an interesting transition from your dad pummeling you, beating the shit out of you, bullying you, punching you, almost killing you like a dirty, inky cat to a loving memory with your mom. Wow. Did she punch you too? She used to slap me. Yeah, I thought so. It looks like it. Here we go. Take a minute. Yeah, take a minute. It's probably hard to see through the fists coming at you from dad. Well, I had a lot of loving moments with mom because, you know, we were just very close growing up. Okay. Yeah, me and my mom were very close. And I'm trying to think of a loving moment with my mom that stands out.

Yeah, take your time, buddy. I can call safe light. Here's what it was. Here's what it was. Both my parents are from Irish immigrants. And so when I would get sick as a kid, my mother would keep me home from school. Was this during the potato famine or later? This was during the Kellogg's Frosted Flakes famine of 73. Remember it well.

They just ran out. The fact you just dried up. So many children died. And so I would lay in bed, and then she would make a thing called a hot toddy. Do you know what a hot toddy is? Yes, that's when you throw your child named Todd in the microwave. And so these drinks called hot toddy. You basically would take, you make tea like you did for me, which was very nurturing, and I appreciate it.

Of course. You make the tea, and then you put a lot of honey in. You have the flu, you put a lot of honey in, and then clove, and then a shot of whiskey. Oh yeah, a little liquor. A little liquor. And then I would lay in bed. And, you know, I'm eight years old. And I would drink this hot toddy, and she would make herself a hot toddy.

So now you got liquor in you. Yeah. And now I want to watch you fuck your mattress. Oh, thank God you said mattress. And so we would have a couple of hot toddies during the day. And we would just hang out and we would watch the 430 movie on TV and a match game. and I just remember like it was just like a warm time

where obviously I'm drunk and I'm seven so you feel very close to anybody. We just opened the door to another therapy session but well wait so at that point in time you probably didn't have knowledge of alcohol. No. So did you feel

sort of a physical buzz? Like did you get and so your mom probably never disclosed Oh, she just, you probably thought it was just the hot toddy was, oh, this drink makes me feel fun. That was my association with whiskey was the hot toddy. Because we didn't drink in my house, even though my father was an alcoholic. Yeah. We did not drink in the house. There was a bottle that was there for company.

Yeah. But my parents didn't make a drink at night. So I didn't have any association. Only for the children. It's just for the hot tatties. Yeah. And for company. Yeah.

For the kids, the eight-year-old kids. Cocktail hour was 11 a.m. Yeah. And I bet you got the flu. a lot, didn't you? Yeah. Like every Saturday night, you were, Mommy, the Black Plague is back.

The potatoes are gone. The other kids are drinking out of a keg. I've got a tea cattle. Yeah. And cloves. Dude, that's a beautiful moment. Yeah, it's a very, I didn't see that coming. That's actually a fun, and I'm not saying go feed your kids alcohol,

but it's a sort of an alcohol-induced moment, not flat-out, drunk, I'm guessing, but a little buzzy. A little buzzy. And when you're with your mother, who at that age, we all adore when we're, you know, that age from one to like 10 years old, our mother is our world. Well, you're still breastfeeding. Yeah. And so

here you are not only with your mother who you're enamored by, but you got a little bit of this buzz and you're probably on the couch watching the movie. That's beautiful. Yeah. Dad had come home and be like, what the fuck? What the fuck are you doing? Drinkin with my wife?

woman alone. Buddy. Unbelievable. I didn't get to one question. I got to all of them. Buddy, before we go, what a pleasure.

Always love having you, my guy. Will you tell the folks, because folks, if you haven't noticed, funny as hell, clever, smart, handsome, tough.

Thank you. Let them know where they can see you. When does this come out? I never say that because I never know. It changes around. Like within the next week? Well, if I get a better, if there's a schedule change, you know, I might, what did I just

say? What would the change be based on the schedule change? Some butter. I was going to say butter, but that doesn't make sense. I didn't say better guess. All right. If this comes out soon, I will be in Bakersfield on April 18th, Escondido, California, April 24th and 25th. And then I will be in Boston, Massachusetts at Laugh, Boston, one of my favorite clubs.

Wow. That'll be on May 29th and 30th. And then New Hampshire and Maine. It's all at Fitzdog.com, F-I-T-Z-D-O-G.com. So he's doing his tour around on the country, folks. Please go and see him. You won't regret it. I work with Greg all the time right down here in Hollywood.

Oh, you're one of those guys that's prolific. You're always doing new material, always updating your act. current stuff from the family, hilarious. And then also, Greg has a couple of podcasts of his own that I want you guys to watch because they're fantastic. Please tell them about those. Well, there's Fitzdog Radio that you've been on many times. That's been going on for about 15 years.

And then there's one called Sunday Papers that I do with my, but do you know Mike Gibbons? Yeah, I did your Irish show with them that time. Oh, sure. Yeah. Which I couldn't do this year, sadly. Oh, that's right. You had had surgery. Yeah.

And so we go through the news every week on Sundays, and then I have one called Childish with Allison Rosen, which we talk about raising kids. Well, I don't think you should be doing a podcast about raising kids. No, raising them from the dead. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's a zombie podcast.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Amber, can you bring in the, I think, you know, you brought a, bring in the safe flight delight, safe glide defense. What is it? Why can't I remember it? If you sing it, you'll remember it. Sometimes that's the only way. Safeguard Delight.

See? Safeguard defense. Amber? Do you have the SafeGlide delight? I thought you were going to have a bring in a dead child for me to raise from the dead. Safe light repair. Safe light replace. Replace your teeth when your dad punches you. Folks, that's it for today.

Thanks to Greg Fitzsimmy. please check them out. You won't regret it. Hilarious. That's all we have for today. Until next time, chicken chowmaine. And just for the record, these guys are not a sponsor.

They're just, they fell into the Harland Highway. Buddy, you want to go shoot a Waymo? Yeah, let's go shoot a Waymo. Let's go. Okay. Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh.

You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. and I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.