The Harland Highway - GREG WARREN sets the record straight on the great peanut butter debate, and talks about good o'l USA

Episode Date: July 22, 2025

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Man yeah you skipped a few decades there. I went right into the future. I felt like it was in that bar in Star Wars when you went there My credo is like, if you go to a restaurant and you see the lobsters like 80 bucks and you love lobster, but the pork the pork chop is 25 bucks. Yeah. I have this theory where I go, you know what? When I die, I'll probably have at least 500 to a thousand dollars in a bank account somewhere.

Yeah. So if it means taking the shuttle from the airport with like 70 sweaty people or a cab for $40 more. Yeah. Like just think of that and do it. Like treat yourself. Deduct it from that, that thousand. That thousand.

Yeah. You know, at least a thousand, most people. Yeah. And I'm not saying be stupid with your money. Yeah. I'm not saying, you know, just do that every time. I'm not saying you do it at high level things. Like, oh, first class is 25,000 to Australia,

economy's 2,000. You don't do that one. But the little things, Greg Warren. I agree. Greg? And I agree with you. I'm on your side on this. Well, it seems like you're pushing back.

No, I'm not, man. You're sitting there, you're staring me down, you're giving me the gun eyes. There's not one thing I've done to indicate that I'm against you on this thing. I know, you're right. I was trying to, I was just trying to get you fired up, but I don't even know why.

Like, why would I do that? Why do I gotta poke the lion in the cave? I'm just, I'm like, I'm giving off, and usually I'm full of self-doubt, where I'll be like, I mean, I must be doing something. I'm not, I'm not, man. And you'm full of self-doubt where I'll be like, I must be doing something. I'm not, man. And you're one of those guys with kind, friendly eyes too.

People tell you that, you got kind of like friendly, trustworthy eyes. Thanks, man. Yeah. I've been getting some negative comments about my eyes lately. I put out this special. What and and it's a lot of nice things that people have said about but every I would say every 11th

comment is this guy's wearing mascara this guy's eyeliner yeah this guy the make and then sometimes they're on my side but they still make me feel bad they're like who's the makeup artist? They massacred my boy. Yeah. What are you, are you wearing Kat Von D's midnight express? Like what kind of eyeliner do you wear? I swear I don't, I don't, I don't wear it.

Harlan, I don't. And I. Reese Witherspoon's autumn fun splash. I don't wear eyeliner, but you've got me interested right now. I like everything to do with Reese Witherspoon. I didn't know she had a line. Yeah. What about Cher's Teriyaki Express? Have you tried that? I got to say nothing against Cher. I just don't think that the eyeliner that she's putting out is going to compliment me. Don't you think I gave off a little more of a Reese

Witherspoon vibe than a Cher vibe? Yeah, Reese Witherspoon or Beyonce's Thunderfudge. Yeah, yeah. Have you tried Thunderfudge? I haven't, I haven't. Oh, Greg. It seems like maybe that's a little overstated for me. Well, if people are accusing you of wearing eyeliner anyways.

Lean into it. You can't lean into it, guy. Get down to Sephora, do some shoplifting. Yeah, oh, we. I mean, why pay for it? Yeah, I mean. You're a guy, you deserve it for free. Just take it. Just take it, we. I mean, why pay for it? Yeah. I mean. You're a guy. You deserve it for free.

Just take it. Just take it. We're guys. It's if guys were to shoplift mascara, it's not a lot. We're not like girls where we, we have all kinds. We just want a little one eyeliner would last us a year. Let us steal it, Sephora. Man, this is how, um, and this is how a lot of those guys

that were in that eyeliner heist thing got started. Yeah, oh, the big eyeliner heist of 84? Yeah, a little bit. Oh, God. A little bit, and then they got in over their heads or their eyes, as it were. As it were, they got in over their faces, I think is what you wanted to say.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I, yeah. But you've got that natural Ray Liotta kind of, I think Ray Liotta wore eyeliner, but it does look like you have a little eyeliner, but what's great about it is that black, that extra black on your eye, which isn't eyeliner, it's just the way you were born, Greg Warren. Yeah. It's the way your mother pushed you out. Yeah. Placenta and black eyelids.

Never thought of it to that level. Yeah. It looks like you maybe even got your own umbilical cord, swung it around and slapped yourself in the face until your eyes were black. Blacked my own eyes? With your umbilical cord. Okay, yeah.

I guess they say if you do it in the first few hours, it's a permanent black eye. That's what you got, guy. I just remembered. You got umbilical eye. I just remembered, you remember Cracked Magazine? Oh yeah, holy God. On the cover, I can't remember who it was fighting, but it was a black guy against a white guy. Yeah. And the cartoons in the, I was probably 12, my mom got me the magazine. Yeah. And the the white guy had a black eye and the the

black guy had a white eye. Wow. I thought that was the funniest. I was like, this is crazy. Well, you know what you can do? You remember in the back of Mad Magazine, they had that folded thing where you would fold it and it would make a picture? Yeah.

So I think what you missed is the black guy with the white eye and the white guy with the black eye, you were supposed to fold it and make a panda. I see what you're saying. Yeah, I think you missed it. But you were young. You were young and you had umbilical eye. That's how I was supposed to know, 12 years. Yeah, and you had an umbilical eye.

But here's where I'm going with this, my guy. On top of having the natural eyeliner, let's call it Warren's Wispy Midnight Mist. Why don't we give it a name? You think we could make some cash on it? Let's give it a name. No, I don't know. Well, no, I mean- But if Reese Witherspoon has Witherspoon's Autumn Pumpkin Magic- Yeah. Warren's Wispy-

Midnight Mist. Yeah. Is there another W? Could we go with a full alliteration on this Warren's- Walrus? Woman-like. Woman-like, yeah. Wispy. Whirly Wind, Midnight Wind. Yeah, yeah. Now we goty. Whirly wind, midnight wind. Yeah, yeah. Now we got some, and I'll go, I mean, I want to tell you this.

If I'm nothing else, I'm a straight shooter. We're 50-50 on this deal the whole way. Oh no, this is all you. No, no, man. I want you to have it. This is your idea. But they're your eyes. They're my eyes.

Yeah. But yeah, I never thought of this. I've got. I know, but I'm a thinker. That's why I have my own podcast. What? Yeah. But yeah, I never thought of this. I've gotten- I know, but I'm a thinker. That's why I have my own podcast. What? Yeah. That's why I have my own podcast and you don't, folks.

Yeah. Yeah, you guys, I don't want to call you losers. You don't do that to the listeners. Well, I didn't mean that. I didn't- You had fingers slipped. Come on. But here's the deal. Not only do you have the natural midnight wispy Bakerfield fog or whatever we called it, you have sparkling blue eyes. So all

that does is it brings your eyes out more. You're what we call a lady killer, bro. Man, in all these years I never... And I really like the way you're saying thank you, by the way. Cause the YouTube comments haven't been as, um, they're not as positive. Folks get in on these eyes, get seduced, get eroticized, get manipulated, get hypnotized and get to Olive Garden and go fuck yourself. Is that okay to say? It's fine. That's your slogan, I think.

Yeah, yeah, it's fine. Dude, it's great. I's your slogan, I think. Yeah, yeah. It's fine. Dude, it's great. I don't want to take Olive Garden down, but yeah. Well let's hit the theme music folks. We got a humdinga here today on the Holland Highway podcast. We got comedian, writer. Did you do any acting, Greg?

Very little bit. I mean, I do some auditioning and failing, but yeah. Don't we all? Yeah. But a great comedian, Greg Warren. I've known this cat for years when I first moved to Los Angeles. He's one of the first guys that I hit the club circuit with here in Hollyweird. And we're reunited, we're back together, and Greg's got all kinds of incredible comedy specials on YouTube. He's touring all over the country. Tell us Greg about your latest special, comedy special.

What's it called? Where is it? It's called The Champ and it's on the Nate Land YouTube channel, Nate Bargatze. Oh, Nate Bargatze. Hilarious. Are you buddies with him? Yeah. the Nate Land YouTube channel, Nate Bargatze's. Oh, Nate Bargatze, hilarious. Are you buddies with him? Yeah, he's been sort of, he's really helped me out in the last several years.

Oh, good. He's a nice guy. Great guy. Works clean. Yes, yeah, yes. Have you ever heard him swear? No, no, I work clean too, but. Okay.

I have sworn, you know, like, Nate, I don't think. Do you swear? I do, off stage. No, I mean, do you know, like, like, like I need I don't think. Do you swear? I do off stage. No, I mean, do you swear you've sworn? Oh, yeah. You is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You swear you've sworn solemnly solemnly swear that I've sworn. Can we get an example? No, I'm not.

No, we're on air. Good, good. Yeah, hold it strong on this. You held your hand. Soon as the cameras go off. Soon as it's off, we're going to get some bombs. Yeah, just. We're going to get some truck driver bombs.

Yeah, just. Mother, just beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Horrible. OK. I respect that, my bro. Is that important to you to be clean? Yeah. Good. I didn't used to be. Okay. What caused the change and why is it important my guy? So I never I was never filthy. Yeah. Neither were you. No. Yeah, and I

About ten years ago a friend of mine gave me some advice. He said, hey, you're just way too clean to not go all the way. He was my friend Jack Vaughn. He, you know, Jack, he works at, he runs serious comedy and he was kind of relaunching the clean channel. He said, if you can get me a G rated thing, you know, I'll play it. And I did, and like things just started happening in the career that hadn't

happened. And so I was like, it would be silly to go back. So some of my favorite comics are filthy. And I don't really, you know, but for me, it just sort of, when I narrowed it a little bit, I just, I became a better comedian. That's great. Yeah, just for me. I respect it. You know, I started off my first probably 15 years. I refused to ever swear. I refused. Yeah. I just, it was just a thing. And then I didn't go out of my way to swear,

but I just thought, you know what? I'm evolving. I'm changing. And I'm just gonna, I'm gonna loosen it up a bit. And so now I swear a little bit, but I'm not like, you know, totally over the top, like F-bombs every second word. No, I never really remember you swearing.

And I remember where you would swear, where somebody else would swear, you would get very imaginative, especially at crowd work. You would say something that was way off beat. Somebody else would probably say something vulgar. You would just say something that would just say this. Yeah, like I'd say cauliflower instead of F. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, really goofy. Yeah, and I like that.

I like sort of replacing words where they don't belong, but you get the intent. Yeah, speaking of cauliflower, I just want to make sure. Oh, here we go. You got cauliflower here? Yeah, I got one. Were you a fighter? Wrestler, yeah.

But you got punched? Cause you gotta get punched to get cauliflower ear. It's, yeah, I don't know if it's flat out, you can't punch in college wrestling, but it's a lot of like, maybe... It was just like grinding, squishing elbows? Yeah, grinding and cross facing elbow, and maybe a little of that, you know,

like that kind of thing. Whoa, whoa, whoa, guy. Are you not worried about, are you worried about the headphones or me? little of that, you know, like that kind of thing. Whoa, whoa, whoa, guy. Are you not worried about, are you worried about the headphones or me? No, you, you just, like you just literally smashed your already destroyed ear. No, I can take it. No, I mean, I just, yeah. Why do they call it cauliflower ear?

Because it looks sort of like a cauliflower? If you look, it does resemble a cauliflower. Also if you get hummus on it it's irresistible. So that's that's oh my god. I mean Jeffrey Dahmer looks at you and just sees like a vegetable platter. Yeah that's why I stayed clear that guy for a long time. Oh wow it's a little meated up. Would you be offended if I went beyond cauliflower and called it sort of hills have eyes ear? Not at all.

Not at all. Okay. Yeah. Just asking. I don't want to insult you. You're not insulting me at all, man. I mean a splattered up, banged up meat flap on that looks like someone hung a gyros on the side of your head.

I don't want you to be offended. No, no. I mean, you feel like you're going in a little harder, but. Well, I'm just saying it looks like, you know How you let those blinds down on a window? But yours looks like rolled up jelly meat on a fat girl's stomach and I don't want to be offensive No, no, I do like to communicate how I you're just feel you're just trying to describe a situation paint a picture I guess is what you're doing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm not offended one bit. I could because I can tell the intent wasn't there Yeah, yeah

Because I can tell the intent wasn't there. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, dudes, are you sick and tired of your underpants, your undies, your ginch feeling crinkly and crackly by noon? Do you want a nice, soft, comfortable, well fitting pair of men's undies? How about skims? I'm wearing skims right now. If you don't believe me, hang on.

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if you wanna feel hot and zesty, shop SkimsMens at skims.com and let them know I sent you, okay? After you place your order, select podcast in the survey and select my show, The Harland Highway in the drop down menu that follows. So get comfy, get cool, get some great ginch, get skims. Folks, Greg Warren is here my guy and Holy Smokes, you're a Midwest guy right? Yeah, St. Louis. Talk to me about the Midwest vibe like that, that comfort food kind of, the comfort of the Midwest. Is that like a scent? Is it a vibe? What is it? Because I look at you

and ever since I've known you, there's a little more of a centeredness, a calmness, it seems, with Midwest people. Am I being accurate here? You almost feel like comfort food to me. Yeah, man. And I'm a big fan of comfort food. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you got cauliflower for years.

Cauliflower. You should be. You're part comfort food. If you make it to St. Louis, there's a place, I can think of two or three places, but I would say the Village Tavern has the best fried cauliflower that I've ever been associated with. Fried cauliflower. So healthy, but not healthy. I wouldn't call it healthy, but it's not like a ton of batter. It's not a ton of batter. Actually, now that I see it.

I barely know her. I'm gonna switch positions here. Michael's over on Manchester road. That's where we go get the cauliflower. Really? That's where we get the fried cauliflower. Cause it's barely any, barely any breading on there. Greg, look, me and you, we've been nothing but honest. Yes. I'm X years old, you're X years old.

We're both grown men. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. A guy to be sitting in a lighted studio with a grown man with with piercing blue eyes and talking Cauliflower. Yeah, it's not a position. I want to be in man. I'm sorry. Yeah, I know we went over this Are you a really sorry? We talked about this. I mean, there's so many things to talk about There is grown man. Yeah, we really need to be talking about cauliflower Greg. You're right, man I had I don't know're right, man. God. I don't know what I was thinking, man.

I mean, it's really awkward. I got a little carried away. I was feeling comfortable. And to be honest with you, the eyes talk. I got maybe a little shot of confidence. And I got a little out over my skis, I guess is that what you call it? Out over your skis.

Yeah, yeah. It's okay. It's whatis. Yeah, we can't yeah over your skis. Yeah. Yeah, it's okay You got it. I totally cut we call it cauliflower fever But I always saw cauliflower was just scared broccoli. Yeah, just just blanched just went white Yeah, it's like it was like some cauliflower was in the grocery store They shut it down for the night a ghost came out of the frozen food aisle, and the broccoli just went, ah! Turned into cauliflower.

Yeah, I would go so far as to say, terrified broccoli. Terrified broccoli. Just being alarmed or whatever, you're not going to get it. You're not going to get it. You might go a pale green, but you're not going all the way white. You're going completely petrified. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, dude. Yeah. So does my comfort food, what is the Midwest vibe? Talk to me because it's not, New York is sort of pretentious cosmopolitan. Yeah. LA coast is sort of like surfer dude, like what's up, who gives a shit about anything. But yeah, but there's definitely a vibe in the Midwest. Can you put a can you wrap it up for us? Can you put it in a euro? It's like, what is it guy?

Talk to me. I know man, and I'm gonna try but I'm gonna do it just sort of on a tangent. Yeah, because if I I can't really get to the heart of it. Oh, I think if I was able to do that, yeah, it's like back when the day when they would be like, how do you describe your comedy? And I'd be like, oh, if I could do that, I think I might be farther along in this deal. But- Father along? Did I say, did I say-

You said father along. Yeah, man. I think we'd like to say, use right words. Farther, right, yeah. How far are we gonna back up on this? Just that one. Okay, okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah, farther along.

I'd be farther along in my career. Man, I'm screwing up a lot here. Dude, it's okay, look. You got girl's eyes, you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah farther along. I'd be farther along in my career man. I'm screwing up a lot here, dude It's okay. Look, you got girls eyes. You got cauliflower ear. There's a lot going on. I know man. I know Just relax take a deep breath The Midwest yes, sir. Talk to me. I think people tend to be a maybe a little more no-nonsense Oh, you know on the whole. Yeah. Straight shooters. But then I think there's a lot of people in the Midwest that I know that are full of it. And they're full of what? Garbage. Can I say that? What's the real term? Trash. Keep going.

I see what's going on here. You in a corner bright eyes yeah you're just go I single eyes yeah you painted yours the word is shit okay guy I'll say it for you you start the sentence and I'll drop it for you you know a lot of these people I think I know are full of shit man that was good yeah that's why we're buddies. We help each other. Yeah. You said you weren't going to swear and you didn't. You swore you wouldn't swear, but I didn't. I know.

I swore I'd swear. Yeah. Yeah, I took an oath. And I take that seriously. I took an oath right here at this bar in front of that sign. Good on you. It means something to me. Good on you, mate.

I appreciate it. I appreciate you staying true to your word, Greg Warren. I see. I see. I see. I, I appreciate it, mate. You're not wrong. I don't think I am.

Did you redo? Yeah. Uh, well, those, uh, what, what, what are those things? Do the did you redo? Yeah. It's a really long long like Australian instrument. Yeah, hold on, let me see your hands. Let me see your hand. You have one? Hold on, do it again. I think you got one in somewhere I was attaching the microphone.

Dude, I'll didgeridoo it up. As easy as you won't swear, I'll drop a didgy. It's really good, man. Yeah. And if I ever have a son, I'm going to name him didgeridoo. And when he farts, it's going to sound like this. I think you got one somewhere that you're pulling out. This is some sort of mirror trick or something that you... Me not tricky tricky, me likey likey. Do you think those

things are... I've never seen one other... they're only by themselves. You don't see them accompanied by another instrument, didgeridoo. Like you don't see it in an orchestra or something like that. Well, here's why, Greg. I'm going to give you a little Australian history lesson. Okay. Yeah, I've always been wondering. The Aborigines were lone Bushmen, and they wandered in the outback for months and days. They did a thing called a walkabout. Walkabout, yeah, yeah.

And they didn't take a cellist with them or a clarinetist or a flautist or a pianist or a kettle drummer or a French hornist, a violin. They didn't travel with an orchestra. Right. They were out there all alone with the Gila monsters and the monitor lizards and the kangaroos. If I had a dress, I feel like you'd be looking up at right now. I, I mean, I, I, I am.

And there might be a didgeridoo under that dress. I think that's what you're looking for, twinkle eyes. I just think you got one. I don't know what's going on here. Maybe I do. That sounds pretty good, doesn't it? It sounds like Zach Replica. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of weird. Yeah, I don't. Weird. What's going on? Really good, man. Yeah, really almost excellent.

This guy's out on Walkabout. They're going to? Really good, man. Yeah, really almost excellent. So you're saying this guy's out on walkabout. They're going to walkabout. With his didgeridoo. Takes it well, the tribe probably has a didgeridoo. Exactly. The tribe's got one. Right.

And this guy, and in all these years, wandering the bush... The outback, they call it. Yeah, the outback. They call it the bush in the Midwest. Okay. In Australia, they call it the outback. The outback, okay. In all these years, wandering the Outback. Okay. In all these years, wandering the Outback, they never just happened across a couple of

guys with a cello or a French horn or a clarinet. Is it possible in this world? Yeah. I think it is. But I don't know that you do that. I mean, you're talking 150-degree heat, barren, Mars-like landscape. You're trudging through the heat vapors coming up. You see these, these three Aboriginals

wearing barely anything at all. Yeah. Uh, just, you know, walking through this desolate terrain and there's a cellist in a, in a tuxedo or whatever. I don't, I only do didgeridoo. No, that's, that was. I don't do cello.

That was almost a brass instrument. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Well, you didgeridoo. I don't do cello. That was almost a brass instrument that you were doing right there. Oh yeah. Well you did say French horn. French horn. That's more trumpet there. Okay, well we're in the outback, let's not get picky. I've thought about this.

Autobahn. I've thought about this quite a bit, the French horn. Oh, okay. Here's what I think what they did when they made the French horn. You know that bright, clear, beautiful sound that comes out of a trumpet? Yes. We don't want that. Okay. We're going to wrap the brass around about nine times.

So it's like a silly straw. And when the air comes out, it's going to sound like a dog's stomach. That's how they got the French horn. Yeah. Can you do the noise? I think that's old man Turner down at the Twilight Inn in room 7354 waiting for his oatmeal in his wheelchair. Yeah, it's not his dog. But close. Yeah, it's close, man. I'm not a sound effects guy like you. Like, I can't do this sort of thing. I did play clarinet. You did? Yeah, first chair.

Did you have a poster of Kenny G in your room? That's the soprano saxophone. Whoa. But. Ooh. Excuse me. Boston pop. It's just some stuff I get a little serious about, okay?

I see that. Yeah, some stuff's important. Dude, turn the eyes down, okay? I don't need to be glared at. I'm telling you right now, man Did I have a poster of Pete Fountain? Yeah, okay Okay, and I have a poster of Benny Goodman. Yeah, okay, not Kenny G not Kenny. That's a soprano saxophone You had the Goodman. Yeah, Benny Goodman. Yeah, then in any day. What was his one that famous?

California 527! C-3PO-R-D2! What was that Star Wars? You skipped a few decades there. I know, I went right into the future. I felt like it was in that bar in Star Wars when you went there. But going back to the Midwest, there's something comforting about it. Like, I almost feel like you go through the Midwest. Yeah. And I hear the word meatloaf in my head. Yeah, man. And I almost feel like, does meatloaf run wild in the Midwest. Yeah. And I hear the word meatloaf in my head.

Yeah, man. And I almost feel like does meatloaf run wild in the Midwest? Like, could you be out hiking and a meatloaf runs across the trail? Yeah. Oh. More than likely you're just, there's

going to be a meatloaf stand if you're out hiking. Really? You can just buy a chunk of meat and just like eat it like a loaf of bread? You can get a quarter. Oh, wow. Lowest you can get is a quarter meatloaf. bread. You can get a quarter. Oh, wow. Lowest you can get is a quarter meatloaf.

You can't get an eighth of a meatloaf. Yeah, quarter. You get a quarter meatloaf. Yeah, and a couple of sides. On any of the hiking trails, really between, I'd call it Indiana and Western Kansas. As soon as you get over the Colorado border, don't go asking for me.

They're not gonna, it's not gonna be there. But yeah, anywhere, where Lewis and Clark. Oh yeah, the trail. Yeah, wherever they walked. There was wild meatloaf. Yeah, there's meatloaf and meatloaf. God, I just. The wild meatloaf, I'm gonna be honest with you.

Yeah. And I'm ashamed of this. Oh, here we go. But we've, I guess you could call it overfished. You know, like a lot of them, they're not extinct, but they're close. You called the meatloaf. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we did.

So yeah, so yeah, you gotta have a tag and a license. Yeah, to shoot a meatloaf. Shoot a meatloaf. And it's like, Harlan, the meatloaf season is, it's like August 1st to August 3rd. So it's summer, when it's ripe. You wanna come out there, and you wanna shoot a meatloaf,

you gotta know somebody and you got three days. Wow, and they're elusive little bastards. They hide in the rocks. They run behind trees. Yeah. Some of them are covered in mashed potatoes. Oh God. And the ones with gravy, good luck getting one of those. I feel like in the Midwest, there's so much comfort food that even

ant hills are like made out of mashed potatoes. Like ants come out and instead of sand, there's like little piles of mashed potatoes. Yeah. It's beautiful there, man. Oh God. Then you shoot a meatloaf and you can just sit down and eat right on the ground. So it just sit by a gravy river or a gravy creek and just eat a meatloaf and stuff it in a fucking ant's nest. I mean to say, F. I don't... This is me, not you, man.

I know, but I feel like someone who abstains from swearing. It's not that. When thou art, as the Bible said, when thou artest around as someone who doesn't sweariest, thou shalt be swearing in front of thy non-sweariest. Matthew 11, 23. Okay. I don't, I mean, I'm not aligned with Matthew on that, that but I'm not who am I to sit here and go against Matthew that Seems like yeah, there you go, man. You're okay. I got no problem with are you all right?

Like I told you as soon as this thing as soon as the cameras stop man. It's gonna be Shit streak you're gonna Are you okay you seem almost too good with that. You know, bro. I hadn't heard that one before. Yeah. It's a freshie. No.

Uh, what about, it's one of the things I love for those folks who aren't from the Midwest, who aren't, weren't born in comfort food country. Yeah. You can go there and there's a place called Cracker Barrel yeah man dude talk to me talk to me about like that place is like walking into granny's underpants it's like so familiar and warm fantastic man do you love it love the Cracker Barrel talk to me especially as a guy you know when you're starting out in comedy you you're going on the road. You're not going to a ton of money. You're going from town to town.

There is always a Cracker Barrel. And here's what they did, man. What? They got a nice restaurant. They got a, you know, I'm a big fan of the meatloaf. The green beans there are outstanding. The green beans are great. The greenest.

Yeah. And then these guys decided, we're not going to, instead of like, the guys across street, Bob Evans, whoever, like, you know, we might add another, a new side that's going to be our, and what they said is, no, we're going to corner the market on rocking chairs.

That's where you buy a rocking chair, is the cracker. I don't know that anybody else in the country sells rocking chairs. Oh yeah. They, if you want a rocking chair, that's where you go. Yeah. Yeah. Nothing like going out for some nice catfish fillets

and some biscuits and coming home with furniture that moves back and forth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and you can go out and sit on it after you've eaten and kind of sort of work your farts. Yeah, yeah. It's almost like this motion where it kind of work your farts. It's almost like this motion where it kind of gets

your stomach going, you can kind of jostle your farts right where you want them. And it's almost like a timer system. Normally you eat somewhere and you fart when you fart. But at Cracker Barrel, they put those rocking chairs out there, it kind of moves the gases around and you can almost say, you know what, I think I'm gonna blast a meatloaf fart at 10 o'clock tonight while I'm watching Jeopardy.

Beautiful. It's a digestive, a lot of gastroenterologists recommend rocking for 20, 25 minutes at the Cracker Barrel. To move the farts around? Yeah. Sometimes they'll tell you, if you eat at Bob Evans, just go across the street to the Cracker Barrel and sit in those chairs. They're not going to care.

They don't care. And here's the thing, man. They're not going to rush you. You can't rush anybody off of a rocking chair. Once you're on that chair, they're not going to be like, hey, it's not your turn anymore. Who invented the rocking chair? Like who was sitting in a chair and said, you know what? I wish I was on a boat right now.

Yeah. I've been sitting on a boat right now. Yeah. I've been sitting here for half an hour. I really wish I was out on the open sea. And then, or was it, you always just affiliate rocking chairs with old people. Yes, absolutely. Was it maybe a way that you have your oldies out on the porch in a stationary chair and you're kind of looking, you're getting there. Is granny dead?

You want to know, but if they're sort of rocking, yeah, I see what you're saying. You know, maybe it's an indication. She's okay. She's rocking. Yeah. I think it was after that movie weekend at Bernie's, you know, they, they, that's when they, because they, that would have been a good way to see whether Bernie was. I might have the chronology messed up here. Maybe the rocking chair came before weekend at Bernie's. I don't know. Don't even worry because that these people watch it. They don't know what the word

chronology means. Okay. So it's okay. Yeah. Timeline type stuff guys. Yeah, timeline. That's easier on them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a big rocking chair fan. I'll tell you what I aspire to. Here we go. A porch swing someday. So you could rock with... Well, a porch swing is more like a swinging motion versus just back and forth. So it's sort of like you're advancing the motion. Here's the trick with a porch swing, man. Here we go. You can't be doing that alone. It's pathetic. You gotta find somebody. I don't have anybody right now, but if I find-

A lover? Yeah, you gotta find a lover. Gotta have a lover. Yeah, yeah, you gotta find a lover. Hold hands? Absolutely. Maybe share a cool glass of lemonade. Lemonade condensation on the outside?

Yes, of course. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, in the summer. My favorite thing is I can be on the thing rocking with a lover. Yeah. I got the cool lemonade. And on my lap, I have a white hankie. Yeah.

Just in case while we're swinging, an innocent child, a boy or a girl, goes by on a bicycle and stops in front of the house down at the end of the lane. And I can get the white Hank, he can just go, you-hoo, boy. Just feels right, you know, the Spanish moss dropping in his hair, spider eggs on his lips. But here's the kicker about Cracker Barrel. Yeah.

You go inside, right? You just want to eat. Eating sort of, you're on automatic when you eat. It doesn't take a lot of brain power, like food, motor function, eat, right? You just, you want a pancake. You don't really want to think. Yeah.

But you go to Cracker Barrel on every table. They got this little thing. It's an IQ tester. It's a little triangle thing with pegs and you're supposed to, and apparently if you leave one peg at the end, you're a genius. And then it has a little chart that tells you how stupid you are, the more pegs you leave. And there's name calling involved with some of these, these peg levels.

Yeah. Once you get down two or three, they're calling you names. And not a flattering name. Yeah, I'm a simple guy. I'm coming in for an omelet. I don't need to leave feeling like a tard. Yeah, you're a moron. You're a moron seven minutes after you,

before you even finish the meal. Yeah, no, I know what you're saying. And the waiters, you ever have the waiters, they see what you did and they go, oh, here's your meatloaf, stupid. Yeah, no, I know what you're saying. And the waiters you ever have the waiters they see what you did. They go, Oh, here's your meatloaf. Stupid. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, hey, almost retarded. Here's your pancakes. I think they tend to pad the bill to like, like, well, this guy is stupid. Stupid. Yeah. Bill him twice. This is it's 130. Yeah, for the meatloaf. Yeah, and the chicken tenders

I don't want to do a test for shrimp poppers and a cabbage roll and this is cracker barrel These are we're simple Midwest folks were farm folk or country folk a lot of time I'm not putting them down, but we're not exactly nuclear physicists. Yeah, we're out till in the field You know the thing is man. I bet you there are a few nuclear physicists that would struggle in that game just like you and I. Yeah, you're right. It's a tough game. It's tough, but you don't go to like, shouldn't those be at a fancy stakeout like Ruth Chris

or Morton's? Yeah. You know, now there's where maybe before you get your T-bone or your lobster tail, you have to write a paper on physics. You know what I mean? Like maybe write an exam for DeVry. Like earn your fucking Salisbury steak. You know?

I like the angle of a paper at the root, Chris. I like that a lot. Like you made money, you're doing well, write a test and then you eat. Let's see what you got. But to make these poor people do a PEG test. It is not an easy game. Have you ever done it?

I've actually done it a few times. Yes, a few times. I've done it 30 times probably in my lifetime. You're a genius. No, no, not once was I a genius. Well, wait a minute. It says if you get down to one PEG, you're a genius. Oh no, no, I thought you meant had I played it.

No, did you get down to one PE, you're a genius. Oh no, I thought you meant had I played it. No, did you get down to one peg? No, no. I have. I've done it about four or five times. I can't eat there anymore. I'm too smart. What are you doing, like, what are you doing this for then? I mean, you're a genius.

There's problems in our society that could be solved. Maybe I'm a stupid genius. I could be. You ever hear one of those? Yes I have. Yes I have. Hello. Okay, all right. Hi, stupid genius. I don't want to leave cracker... Stupid genius. Does anybody see a didgeridoo somewhere? That sounded like a broken leaf blower. I don't want to leave the topic of Cracker Barrel without saying something about the corn muffins.

Dude, I love corn muffins. My viewers love corn muffins. That's why they tune in most of the time. Let's talk corn muffins. Go. Hey everybody, check out my merchandise at harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie, but not me.

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We got hoodies, we got coffee mugs, we got t-shirts, you name it. It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland Original Design wearable art at harbling.com today. And thank you for your support and I'll just keep the groovy images coming. I'm a big fan of them. Talk! Any, I think I maybe even prefer a corn muffin to cornbread and I like cornbread. Oh, me too.

That corn muffin, especially the Cracker Barrel, they're just sort of the right size and they're a little crisp on the edges. Yeah! You know what I'm saying? And they got that grit. It tastes like you're eating sandpaper or cat litter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they got that grit. It tastes like you're eating sandpaper or tasty sandpaper. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my mom used to home make it. She called it Johnny cake. Have you ever heard that term? Yeah, I've heard of Johnny cake. Yeah. I like that term. Yeah, me too. That's really Midwest. Yeah, yeah. When was the last time you ever heard someone, hey, come on over for some Johnny cake? Never. Never.

There's something when I hear that, it just reminds me of my mom in the kitchen. Makes you feel like her. I'm getting a little emotional, to be honest. Yeah, I could see where you would be. And don't push that down. I mean, that's important. Okay. Yeah, man, let it out.

This is, I feel like maybe I have, yeah, man, it's okay. Yeah. Sure. Yeah, man, yeah, these people are not, what do you think they're gonna to judge you for getting excited about some Johnny cakes or getting emotional about Johnny cakes? These are your fans.

They're nice people. My mom used to bake it. I can almost smell it right now. Yeah, man. Me too. I can smell it. This is good. This is good, Harlan.

This is really good. Thank you. Yeah. good, Harlan. This is really good. Thank you. Yeah. Now knock it off. Knock it off. Act like a man. Yeah. Okay.

Sorry, thank you, Greg. Yeah, no problem, man. 30 seconds. Thanks, Dad. Wow. See, now that's the Midwest thing. I like that. See, here in California, it's like, oh, let him cry.

In fact, let's make him a Johnny K. pillow. Put your head on that, Junior, and you cry into the Tham paper granules. But you are just like, knock it off, man up, get on the John Deere, and go spray some manure, you little fuck. Like, I love it. Yeah, you gotta, yeah, there's limits to this.

But here's the here's the there's always a B side. Yeah. To the warmth and the generosity and that homespun feel of the Midwestern folk. Yeah. Can we talk about the Midwest little naughty secret that ain't so nice? Oh, boy, what are we going to? Two thousand nuclear missile silos dotted, peppered throughout the Midwest, hidden underground. What? Craig, that's where all the little nuclear missile silos are contained. They're hidden, speckled across the Midwest. You didn't know this?

Almost 2,000. You're saying probably some in Missouri. In a field, an unsuspecting field, maybe a corn maze here and the instruments of the world's destruction in the next field over. Within the corn, or near the corn maze. Maybe in the maze. Maybe someone should have said the radiation corn maze theme or whatever but yeah have you been in one of those things I have I went in one recently it was very weird it was it was $25 it was

a corn maze yeah and for an extra $5 they let you pull down your pants and run through it backwards really and it was a lot of fun. But I walked sideways like a horseshoe crab for about four weeks after that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I laughed, I cried, it stung. Yeah. But it was fun. Yeah.

$30 bucks, huh? $30 bucks, and you pull down your pants, and you run backwards through the corn in a maze. Yeah. So the amount of times I was like. I found them difficult, the corn maze. Yeah. What was your, tell me, what was your experience?

Can't figure it out. It's like the. Did you ever get lost in it? Yeah. How long were you in it? Six weeks one time. Oh, no wonder you didn't do the Cracker Barrel maze. Six weeks.

Six weeks I spent in that corn maze. Can you imagine if Cracker Barrel made a maze? What's the? You're not getting it. Wait, you were really in a corn maze? Six weeks. Six weeks. Six weeks. Six weeks I couldn't get out. Are you officially one of Wait, you were really in a corn maze? Six weeks. Six weeks. Six weeks I couldn't get out.

Are you officially one of the, you could be a children of the corn after that. I was asking people for help, nobody. Wow. Yeah. Now, on the other side, cabbage maze. Oh yeah. Right through it. Yeah.

Not a problem whatsoever. Although dwarfs never get out of those. No. But you can. How tall are you? Five, nine taller than any cabbage. I can tell you stack three cabbages on top of each other and I can see over any of them. So I got to ask you're lost in a corn maze for six weeks. What did you eat? How did you survive? Not enough to break down the walls. There's quite a few. Yeah. And it was field corn too. It wasn't the sweet corn, which is not very tasty.

It's like they call it cattle corn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No sugar, yeah. It's not good. And then they have what they call Indian corn, which is like a blend of like black niblets and yellow niblets and off-colored. Yeah, it's mostly decorative during Halloween, I think.

Oh God, that's why I got such a stomach ache. You're not supposed to eat that buddy. I should have known cause it was hanging on my neighbor's door. Yeah. And I was there buttering it and he said, get the hell away. And I said, I'm just having some delicious corn. I know man. And, you know, not to take sides, but I feel like he was, he had every

right to tell you not to do that. I mean, I guess, but he didn't have to get mad at Christmas when I ate his wreath off the door I mean, well, yeah, no, that's yeah. He's yeah Tempting people a little Christmas joy. Yeah. Yeah tis the season, right? Speaking of foods Greg Warren. Yeah, I Have a lot of people I've crossed paths with in my life. Uh-huh Greg Warren if that's your real name. It is.

Okay. You were in the peanut butter game. Yeah, I was. I don't know one person who was ever in the peanut butter game. You were. Talk to me. Talk to them. 10 years in the peanut butter game.

Smoothie or crunchy? Well, I would prefer a smooth. And these are 19 late 90s numbers right on the time I met you. Yeah, four to one creamy versus crunchy as far as sales. Why? No, I don't get the reports anymore. You don't? Yeah.

You're totally unplugged from the peanut butter game. I wouldn't say I'm unplugged. When I go into a store, I can read the shelves. I can tell you what's going on. OK. OK? But yeah, they won't give me those reports anymore. They're expensive.

If I make it to another level, I'm going to just get them from IRI. How did you end up in the peanut butter game? I mean, people... I don't know. Jif, I should say, by the way, guys, it was Jif. Jif. Not just peanut butter. It was market leader, category leader, Jif.

Before we go too deep into the game, the peanut butter game. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what the quotes are about. Well, the game. It's a big game. It's a smoothie, crunchy game. Yeah. Break down JIF for us.

Because most people don't know if J-I-IF is just initials, if JIF is a full word, is it a word from the English language, is it Dutch, is it Portuguese, what does it mean, why JIF? Well it is just JIF, okay? Okay. And here's the thing, there's not a lot that's going to get me to walk off this set, okay? But if you start calling it JIF-y,'m not gonna like it. You're gonna walk? Yeah, because Jiffy Harlan is corn muffins.

It's a stovetop popcorn and it's oil changes. It's got nothing to do with Jiff. Right, it's Jiffy Pop, Jiffy Lube. Yeah. And what was the third one? Jiffy. Corn muffins. Corn muffin mix, sort of what we were talking about earlier, but it's a niche brand, man. It's not a big... Jiffy. Corn muffins. A corn muffin mix. Sort of what we were talking about earlier. But it's a

niche brand, man. It's not a big... Jiff is... There's a lot going on there. And the girl that works down at the corner of Sunset and Melrose, her name's Jiffy. She's not there till after midnight. Yeah, and I don't have a problem with her. Okay. Yeah, yeah. But there's just very little crossover between the two of us. Okay. So just so we're clear, Jiff.if, J-I-F with one F. J-I-F with one F. As a guy in the peanut butter game working for Jif, can you tell us the origins of the word, the name Jif? No. There's some things they just took at face value. So you were in the game 10 years, the peanut butter game with Jif.

Yeah. The very first question I ask you. Yeah. I get a resounding no. Sir, what did you really do with those 10 years? Who did you work for? And why are you lying? No, I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm just telling you straight up, I don't know where the word came from. But I. Do you have any remorse or any regret looking back now that you worked for them all this time and didn't know the origin of the own? You went to the big JIF factory and there was the sign,

welcome to JIF, you had to walk under it to go to your JIF office and make your JIF paycheck, and you have no clue what the hell JIF is. Yeah, man. Shame on you. You're right the hell JIF is. Yeah, man. Shame on you. You're right. It's something that I thought, how would you like to have somebody try to, everything that I've built my life on, all the foundation here, everything that I'm about, and then

you just chip away at it. Yeah, I wish I had known. I should know. Do you have an idea guide? You were immersed in the peanut butter game. I was knocking on doors. Do you want to improvise an answer? Is there anything?

Did someone say anything by the water cooler? Did you have an affair with your secretary? She lit up and said, wow, that was one of the best GIFs I ever, I mean, talk to me. You're talking about Sally? Yeah. Or at night, she becomes Jiffy down at Melrose and Moprea. She said you were crunchy not smoothie.

She said you're one hell of a good Smuckers. I don't like that. Smuckers owns Jiff now. Come on. Yeah. Wait a minute. Yeah. What does that mean?

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Okay. Okay. Now Smucker's own it. Do you understand what's going on here? No. Smucker's owns peanut butter and jelly. Whoa. If these guys ever get a hold of bread, Harlan. I mean, that's Sherman antitrust, right?

You can't own a whole sandwich, can you? Right. You can't. I mean, that's- Is that a monopoly? It's a mon- Yes, it's a monopoly. It's collusion. It feels- It feels wrong to me. And I- One of my- What?

One of my best friends, Brazzi, runs the Smucker's business. Brazzi, the guy with the mantits? Brazzi- Brazzi runs the thing. It's his deal. Whoa. He's the highest guy in the company not named Smucker, okay? He's- things over there and I love him. Okay. He got me my start at Procter & Gamble, but I don't like what they're doing. Do you know his mother? I do.

Mother Smucker? I met her. Go ahead. I don't want to go against Brazzy. That sounds mafioso by the way. Brazzy. Who knew the mob was in the peanut butter game? Yeah.

Hey, you, uh, you put some, uh, skippy on my, uh, jiff. Did you say skippy, man? Sorry. Take it easy, guy. Dial it down. I mean. Going on a walkabout. Walking here. Guy starts talking about my competitor.

Guy comes to the guy. Guy trying to talk to you about what I know, trying to help you and your listeners and your viewers understand the peanut butter game. Well, you didn't know the answer to the very first question. I don't know if you're really helping or making it a lot worse, like a lot worse. I mean, yeah.

I could have gotten the same answer from a homeless guy in the street. Hey, buddy, do you know what Jif is? jif is where oh you gotta can I eat your leg? Like there's a guy ten years in it. I got the same answer without the leg eating part I was I wasn't focused on the origin that we didn't have time for that I was trying to feed the world and have time to ask questions. Okay question. Here's a question Who invented peanut butter? It was Kellogg and he had some very interesting ideas about... Kellogg the cereal maker? Kellogg the cereal maker invented peanut butter.

He felt that, let's just say, you're digging it deeper, guy. I'm telling you the God's honest truth here. Kellogg felt that people who thought about sex were evil and likely to have worse lives. And he thought that one of the things that caused people to, this is true, cause people to think about sex was spicy food. So he thought if you could come up with a bland diet, that people would stop thinking about sex

and they would be healthier and live longer and fuller lives. Graham crackers and peanut butter were early versions of this bland diet. Now, the graham cracker and the peanut butter that he had back then is not the graham cracker and the peanut butter today, because I would venture to say they're pretty tasty. Have you ever heard the term tailspinning?

I'm not doing this. Because, dude, you are spying. You're like a World War II Japanese jet that's just been shot out of the air by an American f-15 to killer Jack you're gonna feel real stupid you're just you are gonna feel real okay question yeah fine mr. Kellogg who invented peanut butter yeah black man or a white man white man I know where you're going this it was not Carver he did not invent peanut butter he did a lot of things with the peanut. Who? George Washington Carver did not invent peanut butter. He did not. Says the guy who doesn't know what JIF is.

It's I'm not I'm saying yeah I'm not saying that you should trust me. Okay. We don't. Obviously. You blew it with the very first answer. I look stupid. Alright. Ten years in the corporate world of peanut butter! And don't have a clue! Man, there's people out there right now that... Is your pension secure? Because I have a feeling the Jif folk right now are going, delete!

Everything's crumbling, man. Everything's falling apart. You're like a bad piece of Johnny cake sitting on a vibrating bed at a Motel 6 fun house. Are you telling me there's a bad piece of Johnny cake? Yeah. Really?

Yeah. Because I never heard of it. Well, let's switch gears to Pringles then. Okay. Unless you got something else you need to say about peanut butter. Do you even eat it? Do you like it? Man, that's a cheap shot, Arlen.

Does you or doesn't you? It's a real cheap shot. I think you know the answer? Do you like it? And that's, that's a cheap shot. Does your dozen. Yeah. It's a real cheap shot. I think you know the answer. Yes. You do. Yes. I've had some in the last two or three days.

Talk to me guy. I had some, uh, I was doing a show, uh, opening for Leeann Morgan. And, uh, and I brought some, I brought a jar of JIF into the green room just for them and, uh, they had some of these them. And they had some crackers back there. And we went through the whole jar. It was an 18-ounce jar. 18-ounce, that's where all the action is. I recently saw a little news story.

You're going to get mad. But I saw a news story that Jif, and I don't want to damage the reputation of Jif, but they're one of the peanut butter companies that's using a seed oil that is not good for the human body is what the story said versus some other forms of peanut butter. But they singled out Jif in particular. I'm just the reporter.led out Jif in particular. Yeah. I'm just, I'm just the reporter. Single out Jif.

Yeah. And do you remember the author of this story, the byline? Was it perhaps Howard Skippy? Maybe they called him the Skipster. Yeah. I said it was the Skipster. Was this the guy that wrote that article? It was a news story.

Yeah, yeah, news story. It was a visual news story, what they were saying. So there's a reporter sitting there, and he's got a name tag on, probably. Yeah. And it is saying it's the Skipper. Yeah, the Skipper. What do you think that meant?

He worked for Skippy. Yeah, exactly. OK, checkmate. Yeah, there's you think that meant you worked for skippy? Yeah, exactly. Okay checkmate Yeah, there's there's some real dirtbag tactics those guys employed back then and I'm sure I'm out of the game I'm sure they're pulling that kind of garbage today checkmate I got you I check mated you at the beginning of the peanut butter convo you checked me at the end The difference is I based my life on this product and now nobody's gonna take me seriously. Well, is it wasted or, I mean, your life on this product?

Did you say wasted? No. All right, good. I remember, I'll tell you a quick peanut butter story. Okay. When I went to boarding school as a kid, we had a big dining hall at the boarding school. And in the mornings you can kind of, you kind of

had a little window of when you could go in. So if you got there rare early, there was maybe about 20 other boys scattered around. And I used to be a troublemaker where there's so many kids that they'd have big tubs of, of peanut butter, like big industrial tubs. And they use an ice cream scooper and they put it in a bowl so that each kid could have

his bowl and put it on his toast. Yeah. One day I got there early and I used to be such a troublemaker and I used to get the peanut butter and I put it on my fingers and just to cause shit, I put, and I'd flick it on my fingers and just to cause shit, I'd flick it and it would fly through the air and stick to paintings and the wall and the roof.

And so one day I was sitting there and there was about maybe 15 other boys in the boarding school and there's some guys sitting like eight tables over and he was eating cereal. Oh no. And he was just like eating his cereal and I was minding his own business and he had dark hair and he was facing me.

Good looking kid. A good looking kid, older than me, so he could have beat me up. And I wasn't aiming for him, but peanut butter slippery and I just, I was mourning. I was like, let's get the motor running. Let's get the Lord of the Flies, Harlan Williams motor running.

I scooped a big glob and I just went whack and I flinged it through the air and I lost sight of it. Cause it's this huge dining hall. And I'm like, where the hell did it go? And did it land yet? Or, and I look and this guy's just with the dark hair, he's just eating and he has the

cereal, it's almost, he's like, and all of a sudden just pop on the front of his dark hair, just this blob. And he just went like that. Dude, and I'm the only, I'm sitting with, and I'm laughing so hard, but I'm laughing like this. I'm like.

I'm laughing hard. Dude, it's one of those things where you, if he saw me laughing, I would have been dead. So he didn't catch you. He didn't catch me, but it looked so funny and I'm dying laughing. And this guy, and I just saw him and he's like getting, and he's pulling this giant glob of peanut butter.

Don't know if it was Jif, but that's my peanut butter story. And look how it made us happy. How far did it go? It must've, it must've flown. I bet it, I flung it about 30, probably more about 40 feet across the room. Yeah. That's Jif. That's Jif.

Okay. Yeah. Wow. So you know the aerodynamics of the room. Yeah, that's Jeff. That's Jeff. Okay. Yeah So, you know the aerodynamics of Jeff. Yeah, man a Peter Pan is gonna go 20 feet. Oh, yeah Skippy is I don't think it's gonna make it. What'd you just say? Yeah. Yeah, I said Skippy I don't think they're gonna make it 10 feet. You said not to say it and then you said it I said for you not to say it. You said you were gonna walk. I I'm not gonna walk I'm not gonna walk okay, are you gonna stir fry? Let

Switch gears okay, because this is getting heated it is Pringles. Yeah, what do you got? What's your attitude about Pringles? What do you got? Hey everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh? You get to pick the topic you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend.

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It's a fantastic product. Okay. Were you in that game? Yeah, I was yeah, I sold Pringles Yeah, I'm Pringles Duncan Hines Crisco Sunny Delight Hawaiian punch Fisher nuts Do what to my nuts could? Fish your nuts. Yeah, let's not get personal. You're right, man. Sorry. Oh Asking Chris go you're not Chris. Well, troll your nuts. Come on, man. We deep net your nuts. Dude, we're trying to work together on this. Okay, but you got a little abrasive. I didn't mean to Pringles is a great product. Why 1968 came out? Okay, it did 1968. And I mean, we're killing it. We're killing it. Right? We're doing well. And then some of our competitors started whining.

And the government said, well, they are made of corn and soy and wheat and potatoes. They're not 100% potatoes. You can't call yourselves potato chips. You have to call yourselves potato crisps. And we did, we did. And people were like, yeah, we still like them. The government was like, you know, they're not made of 100% potatoes. And people like, yeah, we kind of figured that when they were uniformly stacked on top of each other in the perfect shape of a horse saddle. Okay, like, yeah, you know, the gummy orange

slice candies, not real oranges, we figured that out too. Like, yeah, they went great. And so, They went great. And so the other thing about Pringles, I'm going to guess growing up in Canada, you probably bumped into them a few times. Yeah. And isn't the first clue that they're not real potato chips the fact that they're in a tennis can holder? Somewhat. Yeah.

I mean, so- I mean, you don't pull bacon out of a tennis can. Yeah, yeah. Now listen. I'm listening. You mentioned the can, the container. Yeah. Okay.

What is that? They're portable. You can take them on a hike. You can take them to travel. We can ship them to Canada. We can ship them to Southeast Asia. We can ship them all over. That's why Pringles are big all over the world.

You can't ship a bag of chips to Canada. You can't ship it from Dallas up to Toronto because you're going to have crumbs. Now, here's the other thing about Pringles. Unless you put it in a big crush-proof box and put it on a plane and just flew it up there and then unloaded it. But I know these guys. They're not going to spend the money on that kind of crush proof box.

So they're going to stop the chips and then, okay, it's cool. There's festivals all over the southwest. Chip stomping. Yeah, it's a big part of their culture. Do you think Slazinger or Penn should have got into the Pringles game? I'm not familiar with these guys. These are the people that make tennis balls. Oh yeah, yeah. Like should it be Slasander potato crisps or Penn French open potato treats? I like what you're thinking.

Like they're already in the tennis can, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like shouldn't there have been some cross pollination of the two products? I like what you're saying. You're at a tennis match, you know, and a base of hot dogs, pizza, but you're at a tennis match, potato crisps, and then the guy throws you a can of tennis balls and you

open it and it's chips. I like what you're talking about here. I think the first guy to ever mention that was Mitch was the first guy to talk about ... Oh, what did he say? He said he thinks that that's how I think Mitch said he thinks that's how Pringles got started or something. They miss they miss shipped.

Wait a minute. They miss shipped a bunch of potatoes to a tennis ball company. And and and one of them said, cut them up, cut up the tennis balls. No, he said, cut up the he said, instead of sending the potatoes back, just cut them up and we've already got the containers. Let's sell them. So I like I like what you're saying. I thought they cut up the tennis balls. Now that now you got a snack. Wow. Well, maybe Mitch might have said that, but I have another food joke that's my own.

I had this thing. You got a lot of good food jokes. You ever eat rice? I have this joke, rice, that's great if you want 500 or something. Yeah, man. Mitch never said that. That's not Mitch. Well, he might have. I didn't hear him say anything. I mean, I don't want to let you down. I think he might have. I have a king size bed, not a king.

That's mine. Is that yours? Mitch never said it. You never said anything about that? No. Okay. Anything about ducks and subway? Is that yours?

No. Okay. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. That's mine. Is that yours? Mitch never said it. Mitch never said anything about that? No. Okay. Anything about ducks and Subway?

Is that yours? How does it go? I did not. I just know the end was something like, I did not know ducks ate for free at Subway. Yeah, that's mine. That's yours? Yeah. Man, I got mixed up on a lot of this.

I wrote all his material. Yeah, I wrote all of Mitch's material. Yeah. I got mixed up on a lot of this. I wrote all his material. Man, I got mixed up on a lot of this. I wrote all his material. Did you? Yeah, I wrote all of Mitch's material. Yeah.

People didn't know that. Yeah. Is this the first time that you're saying this out loud? It's the first time I'm coming out and saying it, yeah. And I wrote most of Pryor's stuff too. Richard Pryor's material? Yeah. If you go to Africa and you see a motherfucking lion, that's a lion.

You wrote that. I wrote that. He wrote the whole, the burning himself. Yeah. Yeah. That was you. Yeah. I write, I write Seinfeld stuff.

What? Uh, why is everything right? Uh, you have your right hand, but then you go right and everything's, you use right guard. Why is everything got to be right? You wrote that? I'm prolific. I knew you were. I'm not ashamed of it. You're an author. I knew that. Things roll off of me. You're a comedian, but now you're just, yeah. I just write material for people. Let me ask you this, man. Yeah. Because now I'm starting to get a little bit concerned. Okay. You know, Bob Newhart. Yeah.

One of my favorite comedians. Oh, you'll love the bit I wrote for him about the driving school. No. Mrs. Johnson, please get up off the lawn. Yep. You're parked on the lawn. Mrs. Back up. You hit the bell box. This is me.

This is you. Everyone knows I wrote Newhart. Okay. Wow. How. This is not Bob. This is me. Everyone knows I wrote Newhart. Okay, wow. How about Cosby? Yeah. When you can't pay your mortgage. Yeah. And you have to sell your children

to pay the rent on the house. That's my whole bond. That's you? Yes. Oh man. Dude, I write comedy. This is a comedy podcast. No, I know that.

I know that. I just didn't know you. I mean, there's a lot of these guys. Oh yeah. Theo Vaughn Really my daddy he took me to a funeral and he bought me a beetle juice suit And I was standing and looking at the coffin. There was a fake knife sticking out of the back, man Vaughn, Theo Vaughn It comes easy to me. Yeah, I guess so just like that. Dude this is a comedy podcast. I know I get that.

How do you think I earned my wings? I know that man I just didn't know. Okay. Yeah Norm you were friends with him. Oh man this is one of his first bits I wrote for. Oh man I saw a homeless guy the other day with a he had a dog. A homeless guy with a dog and the dog's probably thinking oh man this is probably one of the this is the longest walk I've ever been on. That's you? Yeah, dude. Everyone knows I wrote Norris stuff. A lot of guys don't know that.

Oh yeah. You can almost any contemporary, like any A-list comic, that's from me. I had to make a living. Now what about some of the female comics? Yeah. Sarah Silverman. Yeah. That's from me. I had to make a living. Now what about some of the female comics? Yeah. Sarah Silverman. Yeah.

Life, life gives you lemons, make aids. You know, that one, the old aids, that old chestnut, the lemon and the aids. I sort of did a twist on word because normally you'd say, if life gives you lemons, make lemonade, but when all the homosexuals were dying with red welts on their faces and emaciated and their cheeks sucked in and took nine months to disintegrate in a hospital. Yeah. I thought, well, where's the funny AIDS joke here

and the lemonade, the old, so instead of, when life gives you lemons, make lemon, I just said, when life gives you. Hard left turn. I gave it to Sarah, when life gives you lemons, make AIDS. And when life gives you hard left turn I gave it to Sarah when life gives you lemons make AIDS and hilarious are you collecting royalty yes dude why do you think I will pace for this podcast are you having are you fucking me on right now I'm just I'm not I did not know this man I'm in the comedy business I'm not patronizing you man are you fucking with me?

I'm not you don't know. Are you fucking with me? You don't know that I write most of the comedy material for all these losers. I did not know this man. I'm not seeing this stuff man. Well dude, if you ever need a bit let me know. You want a peanut butter bit? I'll give you one. I'd like a peanut butter bit. Hey, how about this peanut butter?

They call it crunchy but if you go to the Motel 6 and you roll around with a fat truck driver for half an hour, it should come smooth pretty quick. Like, see how quickly that came out of me? Like that. And that's yours, by the way. Free. I can just have it. Dude, that's yours. You wanna try it?

How much is the second joke? Well, let's just see. Wow, greedy, greedy. God, guy. Settle down, Nacho. All right, buddy. Here we go. What a joy this has been. Absolutely. Why did we wait so long to bump into each other again?

I know, man. I know. I got to tell you, speaking of comfort food and I was kind of goofing around with it, but I got to tell you when, when it came up on my radar that you wanted to do the pod. Yeah. There's something very comforting about your

origins. And I came from Canada. Yeah. And I did all my work up there for about 11 years. I worked, or seven years, I worked really hard to develop myself. I'm ready. I'm'm gonna move to the States. And when I moved to the States, we were both in the club.

You were one of the first guys that I would go up and do spots with. Yeah. And I don't know if you have this or not, but I'm being sincere, there's a connectivity for me to that. Yeah, oh yeah. There's a bit of a comfort level that you were there at the beginning of my journey here. Yeah. And there's a warm place a comfort level that you were there at the beginning of my journey

here and there's a warm place in my heart for you in that moment. And I know we haven't seen each other in a long time, but when you popped up, I felt that it resonates and it was really nice to have you and reconnect with you. And you're always such a nice guy, a good, solid guy. And I just want you to know that it means a lot to me to have you here, so thank you. Thank you. Yeah.

It means a lot to be here. And I was telling this story outside, but I'll tell them. Yeah. I moved from, I was sort of living on the road and I got to LA and went down to the Hollywood Improv and I didn't, I was barely in the business and I you know I didn't know and I just I'd worked with you maybe a month later you were headlining the Houston laugh stop. The laugh stop. And we went to lunch, me and you and Mark Babbitt. Yeah. And

you know you were having a pretty big moment at that time. Yeah stuff was just starting for me. Yeah but I mean it was you know you were in some movies and stuff. stuff. So I get to the, I still remember, it was Halloween. I think you were dressed as a prisoner or something. Probably, dressed. Probably out on weekend leave, yeah. So I go to the improv, and that was sort of the center of comedy at the time. And I just was wandering around,

and I felt a little out of place. And you saw me, and you're like, hey, buddy. And I was like, this is, you know, I like, I know, I know the man there. So it was, it meant a lot to me at that time. Oh, good. Yeah, it really did. Well, it means a lot to me too. So I'm glad we, we had this and we're going to do the final segment.

And then I want you to promote the hell out of your, your specials and everything. Yeah. This is called words from a wooden shoe, Greg. Okay. You reach in, pull out a random word, see if it creates a memory from your journey in life, whether it's a story about you or someone you know, and share it with our 15 viewers.

Scream. OK. Is the word scream. Scream. Yeah. Any moments where you screamed or you wanted to scream or you heard a scream? I don't know.

The first thing that comes to mind is my mom and dad had a neighbor and they heard this like blood curdling scream from next door. And my dad is a good guy and my mom's great. And they're like, something's wrong with our neighbor. So they go next door. Like he thought he'd been murdered or something. Yeah, like a murder scream. And this woman comes out and she's like,

just don't be alarmed. We're doing like a therapy, some sort of scream therapy. And my dad's a football wrestling coach. This is not something that he's... Yeah, Midwest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she was like, I'm taking him back to some moments in his past

and we're doing this thing. And my dad was like, all right, or whatever. And I can't remember. I think at one point my dad still, like, I think he still called the cops. And I think he did. Hello, police? Therapy. Come quick. Yeah. But I think, and he told me the cop said, well, what went on?

He goes, well, they said it was a therapy. He goes, did you see him? My dad was like, no. And I think they went to what, I think the cops showed up, because the cop was like, yeah, we don't care what she said. We don't want to make sure.

So, and later, I guess the neighbor came over. He's a good guy. But he came over and goes, hey, I just, it was, it turned out to be legit. It was a therapy. Okay, he wasn't disguising a murder. Okay. He came over and said, hey, do you want me to talk to you about what was going on?

And my dad goes, nope. Just like that. Not in a mean way, not dismissive. He's like, that's on you, man. That's not my business. Almost the exact same answer when I asked you what Jif meant, do you know what Jif meant? And you just went.

Nope. Like father, like son. You think I'm gonna come on your podcast and lie? Nope. I can do it too. Craig, thanks for being here. Tell the folks about your specials, where they can see you on the road.

And you gotta go see Greg Warren, gang. Let them know, buddy. Thanks, guys. Thank you, Harlan. I have a brand new special out. It's called The Champ. And it's on YouTube. It's on the Nate Land YouTube channel.

I think you'll enjoy it. We cover topics like my college wrestling career, high school fishing and barbecue restaurants. Wow. And yeah, I'm pretty happy with it. I hope you guys check it out. And then I'm all over.

I'm everywhere. I don't, I think I'm working every weekend for the rest of the year and it's gregwarrencomedy.com. Yeah. Yeah. So I hope you guys, I hope you guys check it out. Well, a lot of topics. We'll have more to talk about the next time. Yeah, So I hope you guys check it out. Well a lot of topics. We'll have more to talk about the next time.

Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Folks, what a treat. Greg Warren, amazing standup comic. Go check him out. And that's it for today on the Holland Highway podcast. Until next time, keep your peanut butter crunchy. And until next time, chicken chow mein, baby.

Is crunchy the right answer? Yeah. OK. Smoothie.