The Harland Highway - Guest Adam Carolla

Episode Date: December 9, 2009

My guest is Adam Carolla for today's show. He ist Vunderbar! Enjoy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All aboard! You just made a wrong turn. Heavens to Murgatroy, even! On to the Harland Highway. You've got... Cancer's at the anus? Why, George, I think he's got it! Stop it! Stop it! You're busting my heart!

It's Harlan Williams! Ah! Oh, hello, Dolly, it's so nice. Dolly, it's so fun to have you hanging all around. Oh, hello. Dolly. Imagine that. Imagine a sweet little song like Hello Dolly,

and some guy just had a caffeine fit and got angry. Hello, Dolly! Oh, God. Well, hello to you, ye faithful listeners. And I say ye, in case anyone's, you know, listening from way back in the 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th century. You know, sometimes people live a long time. You got old people. They got nothing to do.

They're sitting around the old folks home. and they're listening to the Harland Highway, and I throw a few old words in there just to make them feel comfortable. Don't ye likeest the podcasteth today, Grandpa? Ra, give me some celery. Yeah, because old people love celery. What the hell am I talking about?

Well, welcome to the Harland Highway, and what a show I have for you today. It's a treat. This is like a Danish delight right here. As many of you know, there's a guy named Adam Carolla, who's a celebrity. You might have seen him on Dancing with the Stars. He had his own movie out called The Hammer,

where he played a boxer, great movie that he put together. He used to do a show called Loveline with Dr. Drew. He did a show called The Man Show. He took over in the L.A. radio market after Howard Stern left for a while. So he had a radio show for a few years. I guess it was syndicated across the country. And now Adam has a great podcast of his own that I'm sure many of you have listened to and heard me on as a guest.

And Adam used to have me on as a guest when he was on Loveline and when he had his radio show in Los Angeles on CBS networks. And so we've been buddies for a long time. And, you know, I thought it was time to turn the tables on good old AC. No, not my air conditioning unit. Adam Carolla. Okay? So I finally got off my duff.

And I thought, you know what? I've been on enough of his shows. It's time for Daddy to invite A. A.C. onto his show. So what happened is Adam was all set to come up to the studio, and halfway here, his car broke down. It didn't break down, but it started chugging and smoking, and he kind of had to turn around and head back home. So we did the interview over the phone this time, but next time we'll have them here

at the studio, but it doesn't diminish. the beauty of the call. Adam is he seems a little bit well-versed in any topic. He's one of these Mr. Know-it-all guys. Not in a dumb way. He's a smart guy. He's very knowledgeable.

He's had a very interesting life and he's always funny. He's always entertaining. He's topical. He's in the know. He's quick-witted. And a little bit abrasive.

You know, maybe some of you won't dig them, maybe some of you'll be in the middle, maybe some of you'll love them. I hope you love them because I love them. And let's have a listen to my interview that I conducted on my own terms with AC, Adam Carolla, here on the Harlan Highway. Yeah. Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. How are you, man? I'm doing good.

Well, welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. Are we being recorded? Because I wanted to get some N-words in before we were recorded. Oh, like nostril or eggnog? Well, that doesn't start with N, but it's got ends in it. Yeah, I love eggnog. What is eggnog? I don't know, but first off, I love eggs, and then it's got the word Nog.

in it, and I just feel like it makes everything delicious, the word gnaug, like if you put cat-crap gnaug, I'd be like, give me one of those. But I don't know what gnaug is. It's an ambiguous word,

and if anyone should know the answer, it's you, Adam Carolla. Well, I think it's one of those holiday things like figgy pudding or Yule logs and things. Like, I don't know what Yule means and I don't know what Nog means, there's a lot of things around Christmas that are very Yuley and Noggy that are, you know,

I think it's like old English, like, you know, Days of Yore. In Days of Yore, they would talk about Yul's and Nogs. What about a Yule Nog? We mix them together. A three-hour Yule Nog. And I feel like Nog got replaced by Nuget. Yeah, that's possible. There's a lot of nogs going on back.

in the day, and now they just got rid of Noggs and they got Nuggett. Like in the early Scottish times, there was probably chicken McNuggets, and now it's Nugets, which I don't like. Yeah, I don't like that, yeah. Well, let me tell my listeners here. First of all, who the hell we've got on the line here. We have Adam Carolla, world-famous philanthropist, and radio personality and television star and movie star, you know, your boxing movie, remember that one?

The Hammer, yeah. But you've had me on your podcast many times, Adam. Is it still called the Adam Carolla podcast? We've changed it to the Dane Cook podcast because we thought we could get more ears on it. Well, I want to start off because you're such a, you're like such a cool guy. You're always kind of casual and laid back. And Biff, from Back to the Future, once said, Make like a tree and get out of here.

Yeah. Make like a tree and get out of you. And I want to know, what does Adam Carolla say when he's, like, backed into a corner? What's your go-to line, my friend? Well, you mean when I'm feeling threatened? When you're feeling threatened or you just want to get someone out of your face and don't say it to me. Right, right.

Right. Well, I'll tell you what I yelled at the census guy. many years ago when he came up my stairs, and also when I yelled at a 15-year-old girl at a best-buying Torrance when she asked me, are you as big an asshole in real life as you are on television? Wow, okay. Who do we start with the census guy? It'll be the same phrase. Okay, what is it? I'm going to pull the phone a little bit away from my mouth.

Oh, no. There's some, you know, I have to gesticulate a little bit, and, you know, It's not dirty, but I don't want to blow out your tweeter. So it's a very simple phrase, and it's time-honored. It's one that our grandfathers use, and kids don't use it anymore. But it's diabolically simple. You ready? It doesn't have the word gnaug in it, does it?

Oh, man, you just stepped on it. Oh, no, no. No, I didn't. Come on. All right. You ready? Yeah. Here, I'll do it.

Beat it! Just a simple beat it. Really? That day, you sounded like if you did that in a high voice, you'd be like Michael Jackson. What would that sound like? Well, you know, he's like, beat it. Yeah. Beat it.

Grab yourself an egg and beat it. Yeah, he ruined. Beat it was, you know, was something from the Bowery Boys, and something cops would yell at guys that were hanging around on street corners by lit trash cans singing doo-op songs. And it was effective. And then I think Michael Jackson took all the, teeth out of beat it. God, so you said beat it loudly and aggressively to a census guy. Do you think

that in that neighborhood, that region where you lived, and you mentioned the word arsehole earlier, do you think he put like 29 black people, 300 white people, four Korean people, and one arsehole? No, I think he went two black people, 5,000 white people and one arsehole. Yeah, but no, I see what you're saying, yeah. I may have been marked down as two arsholes, the way, the way. I was taking a nap. I was attempting to take a nap. Yeah.

And he just kept ringing the buzzer, and it was my old house, and I opened the bathroom window, which looked down on the staircase, and he was standing down there by the staircase, and I just hung my head out the window, and I y'all beat it. And it was the last I heard from it. You know what works even better? This is a true story. live up in Glendale and I had a little I lived in this condo and it was

me and right beside me was this young girl who looked like kind of a chubby Ann Margaret and one morning the gardeners were out in the parking lockers we were right beside a 7-Eleven and they had the leaf blowers going and I was like oh god it's early

I want to sleep and all of a sudden I heard chubby Ann Margaret run down the end of our balcony and just yell you guys turn that off and I'm going to fucking kill you Wow. Yeah, I was hearing it come from Chubby Ann Margaret. I mean, I don't know.

Maybe you could replace that with Beaton. I don't know. Is it crazy to see the chick from Viva Las Vegas screaming at a Maximian gardener and threatening him that way? Well, actually, I think it was an Armenian gardener because it was Glendale. Oh, yeah, you're right. You're right. Well, let's move on because I have a lot of important questions for you today.

Can I add one more quick addendum to the, you know, how do you get people to do stuff that they don't want to do. Okay, I don't know what an adenum is, but is that a pair of jeans? I'm going to ignore that bad pun and keep pushing it. See that. You know when you get to the four-way stop sign and you go, go, go ahead, and then the guy gives you the wave, like the limp wrist. No, no, no, no.

You go ahead, and then you go, no, no, go ahead. And you're just both sitting there in your cars like you just broke wind and you're flapping it. Yeah. No, no, no, you go, you go. If your listeners would like to avoid that back and forth that you go through with the you go and you go, if you want somebody to go, it's a little bit of a visual, but you point at them hard. Like you just point at them, like a referee, you know, you point at them.

Yeah. And then you just give them to go, like you still same finger, point at them and go. Like a traffic cop would do when you're sitting there, like you, go. and they peel out every time. They don't come back with, no, no, no, no, it's okay. They'll just peel out. So instead of doing the nah, nah, nah, no, do the finger and the go,

and they're like Pavlovian dogs or something. They're used to the traffic cops. They'll just haul ass the other direction. Well, what happens is an awkward moment because people usually approach the intersection and they want to be courteous and plight and know everyone's hesitant to be in charge. And it sounds like you just kind of visually with your pointing finger, a hard pointing finger,

it's almost like your fingers saying beat it. Right. And go. Fingers, yeah, yeah. Okay, so you've gone from up yours, which is raising the middle finger, to pointing, which means beat it. Right. It's the difference. It's like when you go out to dinner and you go, oh, let me pay for this.

Your buddy goes, oh, no, I got it this time. And then you go, you got it last time. Don't do that. If you really want to pay for the check, just grab it from the waiter and hand them your credit card. It's the equivalent of that. Well, I'll be going out to dinner with you real soon. Thank you for that. I don't do that.

That was just an example of what others do. Well, then you, sir, can go in a corner and beat it. Yeah, done and done. Oh, my God, twice. Now, I want to ask you, because I've never really gotten into this with you, do you believe in Yeti or Bigfoot or South Squyotch? We have non-Kanucks call it Susquatch out there

Susquatch? Yeah, that's what we call it. I just never know how to say it. It's a very, I don't even know how to spell it. South Squayash. What is it? It's an Indian word meaning I'm drunk. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Well, do you believe in those kind of characters running around in the timbers? No. Okay. I have no belief in Locknets, Monsters. or UFOs or any of that stuff. I'm an atheist who really doesn't believe in almost anything.

What about hairy Italian guys on the beach? Do you believe in that? I've experienced that before firsthand because I'm Italian. Oh, God. Well, actually, I've been to the beach with Kimmel before, if you want to see a hairy guy at the beach. Ew. Yeah.

I mean, if that's your thing. You know, they have a whole, there's a whole subgroup of gays that are into what they call bears. Oh, that's the terminology? Yeah, they're like bears. Is that right? Oh, yeah. And what if there's like an albino gay guy?

Is he a polar bear? Wow, the elusive polar bear. Wow. I want me a polar bear on a cold chilly Yukon night. Oh, man, like the white buffalo. Wow. I love that. Yeah, I'm going to tell my kid, you know, look, you know, don't go gay on

me, but if you've got to go gay, you know, and you'd like to meet a lot of fellas, you know, fall into one group or another, you know? Yeah, right. The bear would be the best one to go into because while the other guys are at the gym and they're waxing and they're plucking and they're shaving, you just sit around and get fat and don't worry about letting your back hair go, and you'll always have a boyfriend. Well, that's interesting, and let me bring this full circle if there's a guy that's completely overly, Harry, could he be referred to as the South Squyosh?

You mean the Yeti? Yes, yes. Yeah, I don't know if there's a group that's into that. I know, you know, like I said, they have magazines dedicated to... Wait, what? Yeah. What are the titles of these magazines? Well, I think there's really just...

I think there's one that's called, like, Bear. Wow. I just picture, like, Winnie the Pooh, hiding. behind a bush with a jug of honey leafing through an issue of bear, and suddenly he's startled by Christopher Robin and the owl. I picture Ted Nugent at a newsstand going, oh, hey, what do we got here? I'm going, bow, and then going, oh, goddamn, I'm going to throw up. I wonder if he's got a bear in the way you coined the phrase, if he's got a bear hanging over his

fireplace at his hunting lodge. Yeah, like, you mean just sort of the bust of Ed Asner there? Yeah, like a hairy, I guess, is the term is for gay men that are Harry. He's got a big hairy gay guy hanging over his fireplace. You know, next time I see Teddy, I'm going to ask him. Okay, well, let's move on. We have Adam Carolla here, everybody. And Adam, before we take one step further, I want to mention.

Hold on. I don't mean to cut you off. No, you did, but that's okay. But I just Googled in Bear magazine. Oh, no. And there's a big hairy dude on the cover. So there is such a thing. So our listeners can get a visual.

What is the pose or what's he kneeling by a river swatting salmon? Is he scaling a pine tree? Is he rummaging through a garbage dump? What is the hairy gay man doing? Well, first off, just on the cover. Don't go inside, please. I hope you're sitting down, but it's a large hairy man with his shirt off wearing denim, and he's sort of leaning back against what looks like a beanbag chair.

Now, the real, the funny part of this is at some point later on when my wife sits down at the computer to type in. bear aspirin because she's sure because one of the kids is running a fever yeah there's going to be questions out two letters into it the big gay guy with a shirt off is going to pop up on the screen which by the way I don't know if anyone's a done a class action lawsuit against these search engines

where you're I know Harlan you're a single man but I mean when you when you start cohabitating with somebody and they get two letters into their You know, they're trying to look up an almanac in anal queens 15 pops up on the thing. Oh, my God. That's bad times. Yeah. It's really hard to explain that away.

Wow. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it is. It's almost hard to explain away this whole segment and how you know about bears. I'm just saying. And that you kind of flippantly kind of mentioned your wife out of right in the middle of it. I'm just saying the next B.E., my wife, you know, types in, this magazine is going to pop up, and she'll think that's what I've been doing.

Well, maybe it will open a dialogue or a discussion into bringing some new excitement into your love life. And I'll stop it right there. I think it'll open a dialogue with an attorney. Imagine you and your wife in front of a fireplace sprawled out on a bear that's laid. laying like a rug, and you two making love on the back of this hairy gay man. Hold on. All right. I'm there.

Okay. I've turned the corner on bears. All right. We're turning the corner here with Adam Carolla, and I want everyone to be sure and go and check out Adam Carolla's incredible podcast. Give them the name and where they can find it, Adam. Your excellent podcast. Well, thanks, Harlan.

You can go to Adamcarola. You can check out the podcast. We do a car show on the weekends called Carcass. It's all there at Adamcarola.com. Well, there you go. There's the first part of me and Adam having a little chat. And I learned a little. I didn't know about the whole subculture of bearmen.

Interesting to know if that's what you're looking for. There's a subculture. of bear men out there. I wonder if there's a female version of that for the lesbian culture. I wonder if there's like a furry

type of like lesbian woman, like an e-walk or something. Is that wrong? I mean, I don't think a woman can get quite as hairy as a man, so you can't call a hairy lesbian a bear,

but maybe an e-walk? Is that fill the category? I don't know. I don't know. And would a lesbian woman want an Ewok? I don't know again. Maybe we should all Google and see if there's an EWalk magazine and see if there's a hairy lesbian leaning back in a beanbag chair somewhere in the future.

God, now I'm just picturing like an EWalk and a Wookie getting it on. For some reason, that enter my mind is like Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're going to do more with Adam Sex. So Adam Carolla and funny guy, wonderful to talk to, and we're going to do more with Adam right after this.

Hey, you are listening to Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway. Guys, are you getting home tonight and looking forward to spending time with your lady? Oh, yeah, nothing's finer than your lady, right? You have a nice dinner, you head to the bedroom, you both take your clothes off slowly and seductively. You put your hand. hands on your lady, you rub her soft, white shoulders, or her black shoulders if she's African-American. She's not going to have white shoulders if she's African-American. So you rub her nice white or her nice black shoulders, and you slowly work your way down,

and you rub down the side of a rib cage, and that little kind of crevasse between the rib cage and the hip bone, and then up over the hip, and across the side. side of her buttocks and then slowly down her leg just to the knee and then you get down to that nice smooth calf and then yeah she forgot to shave her legs oh get the chainsaw out man oh my god is that not the biggest turnoff on the planet oh you're touching your beautiful smooth ladies she's like she's like the surface of a frozen lake she's like a porcelain vase she's like to touching a statue carved out of marble the finest italian marble and then all of a sudden your hand scrapes across the snout of a great dane it's like whiskers sticking out man

you thought maybe you're out with your buddies and you just pulled up a catfish out of the bottom of a muddy river oh oh oh and your hands all tingly and feels like sandpaper and you're lucky if it's not bleeding it's like Hey, baby, what's with the cactus farm, man? She's like, oh, I forgot to shave. Yeah, you forgot to shave. And I forgot how to make love. Hello. Man, it's just wrong, man.

You ladies don't understand. We don't associate hairy legs with women. We slide our hand down there. And for that brief second, guys, aren't you like, oh, Carol, oh Carol, oh Carol, oh, Carol. Oh, Ed? Ed? Is that you? Like, honestly, for the briefest second, we think you're a dude.

Get the nair down there. Keep it smooth for us, ladies. You keep it smooth for us, and we'll keep it smooth for you. Hello. Oh, yes, the hairy legs. You ever do this? You ever walk up to a kid, like a little kid? You know, like a little, like an eight or nine-year-old or a five-year-old.

You're at a family gathering or a picnic or something? and instead of like shaking the kid's hand because he's too young to do a handshake, right? Little kids don't know that kind of formality. So what you do is you go, hey, Billy, how's it going? And you just put your hand on the top of his head and like swish his hair around.

Almost like you're washing his hair at a salon. Hey, Billy! That's what it feels like, ladies. Okay, when we slide down there and feel your hairy-ass legs, It's like we're ruffling our hands through Billy's hair at a picnic. There I said it. All right enough of this.

Let's beat it and get right back to my conversation with the always engaging Adam Carolla. A.C., take it away. You were going to ask me something. Yes, well, it's interesting you mentioned you do a car show because I was going to ask you, and I think I know the answer, but does it make you mad, angry, that you have the same last name as a Japanese family station wagon. Yeah, it would have been nice. It's spelled differently, although that got screwed up because of the car.

Okay. Ironically, the car is C-O-R and the name. But people can't spell. People don't know how to spell. So they just, for all intents of purposes, think you, you are either a guy who created the car like Tucker? Mm-hmm. Or you're Japanese. You must get that a lot.

Well, I get Jewish a lot because I'm in comedy. Uh-oh. You're Canadian. You guys don't have Jews. Not yet. You have an explanation for me. Is Tinkerbell at your house, by the way? I hear a fairy.

Do you hear that ringing? That's your house. Oh, that's me. Oh, I thought that was your house. No. Maybe there's just a fairy on the line. I hear ringing. No, I could hear your phone.

Oh, okay. Well, that's weird because I'm sitting out in my garden. Very strange. You know what I got the other day from one of my friends, which I, you know, he's in his 40s. I thought we were past this. Yeah. I got the thing where I called his cell phone. Yeah.

And he did the, uh, hello. And I was like, uh, hey, Dave, it's Adam. And then he gave the, yeah? And I'm like, Dave, it's Adam. And then you heard the beep and realized that was his outgoing message. Aren't we past that as a society? Like, I know that was everyone's first impulse when they left an outgoing message. Hello?

Yeah. I can't hear you. Yeah, it's like a trick. Yeah, but really? You fucking with everyone who calls you. Is that a great plan? It's like you're being punked. Yeah.

Hey, maybe I called you to tell you I was planning on taking you on a cruise. But you know what? Fuck it now, asshole. Wow. Beat it, buddy, beat it. Well, what I'm saying is, you know, it's not like the taxman is calling you up. Hey, how would you like this? Hey, it's your mother back in Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania, to tell you that your father's had a horrible stroke.

and you're screwing around. Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute, Adam. Before you go flying off the deep end, like an Olympic diver, what about in that moment that your father has a stroke and there's a lot of intensity and sadness and frustration? And suddenly your buddy caused some levity, brought some humor into the situation with his hilarious phone,

gags, pranks, and bloopers. I know I'm just saying right now you have the grieving mother calling trying to leave a message for her son who moved to the West Coast, and she's got to get duped into the fake... Well, a better way to cheer her up with her gags, bloops, and bleepers. No, I would say she's angered. All I'm saying is, you know, once you hit 25, you've got to knock that shit off. Okay.

And, by the way, the reason I'm angry is because I always fall for it. Hello? Hello? Well, yeah. Why wouldn't you fall for it, right? Everybody does. Yeah, I'd like to see one of those guys on the Discovery Channel in that show. I shouldn't be alive. And he's got about four seconds of battery power left, and he's hanging from a ledge over a pack of hyenas, and he gets that. Right. Yeah. Hello? Oh, hey, man, I'm hanging over. I'm not home right now. Yeah. You know, it'd be funny if they were interviewing that guy, like, I shouldn't be alive, and the lighting rig above his head broke loose and crushed him. He was right in the middle of thanking Jesus Christ.

That would be like that movie. What is it, Final Destination, where you were meant to die no matter what. Yeah, I do love those movies that have a really super flimsy premise right at the top where it's like, well, wait a minute, we survived this plane crash by not getting on the plane. Oh, man, now we're going to have to cheat death for another 90 minutes, and there's going to be five of these movies based on this retarded theory. So everybody, I mean, like, it's crazy, but, you know, Seth McFarland from the family guy. Oh, yeah, this story.

He told me this story on your show. I remember it. Yeah, yeah, the guy was literally went to the airport. Like, this isn't a situation where he was, you know, going to fly out of Logan, you know, earlier that week and canceled it. he drove to the airport and, I should say, was driven to the airport. He had a limo driver. And missed the plane that hit the first tower. And he kind of credited to his drinking.

He actually said that he'd been out drinking all night, and he was a little, well, not quite hungover. And that caused him to be late. And he ran to his terminal, and they just shut the door on him. And drinking saved his life. Yes. And there was also a little confusion with his, like, his assistant told him it was like an 835 flight when it was like an 815 flight or something like that. But either way, it was his excessive use of alcohol and his constant tardiness that saved his life. But I think that that would be, so A, he probably wouldn't be, it wouldn't be a great afternoon to go see final destination with Seth McFarlane.

No. Number one. But number two, I said to Seth, this is the ultimate get out of jail free card for you, because every single event you show to professionally or personally or anytime you're late, if someone hassles you and goes like, hey, man, you said you're going to be here at 8, and it's 8 15, you can go, hey, man, I'm alive because I was late, okay, bitch. Wow, and he calls them bitch, too, because he's reaffirming that he's alive. If you had it your way, I'd be in ground zero right now. And they'd be trying to identify me through my dental record. Well, if I could do my own adenum, because you did one earlier, you know, the amazing part of Seth MacFarlane's story, two things. He did not save his boarding pass, which I would have framed and hung over my bed to remind me that life is fleeting. Right. He just tossed that historic kind of.

he's probably the only guy alive who had a boarding pass from one of those planes. Right. And then secondly, I asked him, I said, did this alter your life? Was this one of those moments where you looked at yourself in the room and, oh, my God, I'm going to do so many things differently. I've got a second chance, and he just looked at a, no, not really. Yeah. You just kind of went on that voice and not, not really. I know.

So I don't know, man. I like that, though. Yeah, I guess. well i mean you know everyone else does that thing where they make you know they make a big deal out of everything and they talk everyone's looking for a life-altering moment the reality is you know it's it's the same people who are going to wait until january first to quit smoking or to lose 20 pounds or whatever it is the point is you don't that you don't need an event to trigger something either do it or you don't if you're looking at

for the event or waiting for the date on the calendar to make change, you're probably not going to stick with it. I mean, I guarantee everybody who's cheated death who announced they're going to stop being an a-hole was back to being an a-hole within two weeks. Well, the other thing about Seth is, I guess, how much you need to alter your life when you're riding around in limos, boozing it up, and you're making $78 million a year with four animated series on Fox television. Where's the adjustment needed, my friend?

Yeah, yeah, that's a good point. All right, let's get off of this stuff because we don't want to talk too long about death and Seth MacFarlane. People get turned off by that. But this is a quick answer. I need a quick answer for you. It could even be one word if you want. If you could punch an animal in the face, what animal would that be? Yeah.

That's all I needed to hear. We're moving on. And this can be a long answer. off you want. You're in the Statue of Liberty. You're touring inside, and you're a proud American, right? Adam Carolla's wandering around in the Statue of Liberty. You might be in her abdomen. You might be in her head. Does Adam Carolla fart inside Lady Liberty, or is that disrespectful? Well, I think it's the most American thing you can do. Okay. Can you elaborate, please? I don't know why. It seems self-evident. It's like to be...

It's like people that burn the flags. Right. And you go like, hey, man, don't burn that American flag. And then it'd be like, but don't you understand the beauty of that? This is the only country where you could do that. If you went to one of those Middle Eastern dumps and attempted to do that, they'd cut off your hands. You see what I'm saying? That's true.

So the very, through the awful act, actually verifies that we're living in the greatest country in the world. I go out to the Statue of Liberty twice a year, burn a flag, and break wind just as proof that we're living in the greatest democracy in the free world. It's an incredible way to look at it. And think of the acoustics. Imagine the wonderful echoes inside that tinny carcass. I've got to tell you, Harlan, about two summers ago when I was out there of my ceremonial kindling of the flag mixed with. my flatulence. I stood too close to the flame and took out a couple Japanese tourists. I can't say much more about it because it's still a lawsuit. You did a blue angel for freedom. That's right.

Lift these guys up like a Roman candle. Wow. Okay. Well, we're moving on to our last question. Thank God they're wearing thick prescription glasses. Fire retardant glasses. Yeah. All right. Well, we're here with Adam Carolla. He is the host and creator of his own podcast, the Adam Carolla podcast. You can get that online at iTunes, just about anywhere, right, Adam? Yeah, you can go to iTunes and find it. You go to Adamcora.com and find it. It's free.

It's free, and it's well worth it. Believe me, it's well worth it. I've been a guest numerous times. I have an incredible time. And we've had an incredible time with you, Adam. I want to do one last thing. Roll one last thing by you before we let you go. And this is kind of a new phenomenon happening here in Hollywood where we both live.

I just heard about this yesterday, and I thought, who better to ask about it? Well, I'd love to stay in Chad, but you're a total bitch. Latest cosmetic rage in Hollywood, and this blew my mind, women are getting their, pardon my French, their assholes bleached. Wow, yeah, I've heard about that. So that they match the rest of their skin, and there's. not that little kind of black eye or that what I call a panda eye or a raccoon eye. Sure.

Now, what would you do it and what the hell is this all about, Buds? I'm doing it now. What? Yeah. Does just for men have a kit? Yeah. What? Oh, no.

Yeah. I've seen the commercials with Walt Frazier and one of the other, the catcher from the Mets. They bleached their anus. I, look, that's what I got from it. But the point is, you know, it's one of these things. Let me tell you how life works. Okay, finally. You know, it's like people say, why are we spending so much in aerospace?

Like, you know, who cares if man goes to the moon and how are we ever going to recoup any of this money? But what happens is you start putting money into aerospace and out from aerospace comes inventions like Velcro and titanium and things that you end up having uses for Americans and consumers in everyday applications. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't want to do this, but I don't like my Adam Carolla to be inaccurate, and I have to have to correct you on the Velcro. The history of Velcro, my friend, is a Scottish man who used to go walking with his dog. He was a scientist, and he noticed when he'd come home, his dog.

would be covered in these burrs. And he put the burrs under a microscope and saw the interlocking barbs on the end of the burrs. And from that, he invented Velcro. That man was Buzz Aldrin. Okay, you got me, damn it. I don't, all right. Go bleach your asshole.

Screw Velcro. But whatever, whatever inventions they use, you know, one minute, it's in a space shuttle. Sure. And the next thing, you know, you have GPS in your car. Like the Internet. The military invented the internet for their military computers. And here you are looking up bear.com. And my wife will be looking up for about three hours when she comes up.

The point is it starts, but it has another application. It trickles down. Sure. And now, this is the ass bleaching. It's the same thing. It starts in the porn world and eventually makes its way into everyday polite society. So, you know, it's like the trimming of the pubic area or whatever activities going on. It always starts first in the porn world and then trickles its way down.

And it's just like you see the NFL guy celebrating in the end zone. And then a year later, you see guys in Pop Warner and Pee We football doing the same thing. Well, are you saying that the bleaching assholes started with the military? Like, is that something that took over for waterboarding or something? I'm saying that every single one involved with the Apollo program had a lily white anus. Wow. Holy cream cheese. I hope I was clear.

Well, let me ask you this. If you're a guy, and I know you're married now, but back when you were hungry like the wolf, Duran Duran, and you were running amongst the creatures of the night, Do you want a girl with a bleached asshole, or do you want to see the panda eye? Well, you know, first off, you know, I look into, you know, I'm old-fashioned. So you're like pandas. You're like W. World Wildlife Federation ass. I'm old-fashioned in that.

I just like a shaved bush. Uh-oh. You know what I'm saying? Okay. And fake boobs. Okay. I'm old-fashioned that way. And, of course, you know, porcel and veneer.

and hair extensions and, you know, some rhinoplastine, obviously some cosmetic work where it's needed. But I'm old-fashioned that way and that I don't want the bleached anus. Okay. And why? What is it? Is it a visual stimulus? Is it, does it creep you out? What is it about Adam Crowell where he doesn't want a bleached a-hole?

Well, I feel a couple things. A, I feel like structurally, you violated it to some degree. You've compromised the integrity of it, and I like a tough asshole. Right, got you. I don't want one that's been compromised by bleach. Got you. I don't want a brittle anus. Wow.

Is what I'm saying? Is that like peanut brittle type of thing, like a treat? Their peanuts are involved on it. Oh, wow. I walked into that. I'm just saying I want a very durable anus. Okay. Number one.

Number two, as I explain, I'm old-fashioned, almost a throwback kind of guy. It just likes the fake boobs and the collagen lips and the hair extensions and all the other things, you know, the shaved bush and all the other things. You know, the way grandpa liked it. Sure. Old-fashioned girls. And then after the love-making, there's like a cinnamon oatmeal muffin beside the bad. And then also, if you want to call it that. And then also, one cannot bleach one's own anus.

Well, you could always buy a bottle of Javex at right aid or something, couldn't you? No, no. There's a behind every bleached anus is a crazy Asian woman. You know how they say, like, behind every good man is a strong woman? Yeah. This is that, except for with anus is in Asians. And I don't want to picture the crazy Vietnamese chick over at Pinky Cheeks. working on my lady's anus.

Okay, Adam. A horrible name for a ship, by the way. Well, unless it's a pirate ship and it's run by Somalis, and then you can shoot at. What do you put on the flag? Wow. You know what I mean? Maybe a Calamari ring since you're on the water. Adam, we've got to wrap it up here, buddy.

Give your web your podcast. I'm going to claim his anus in the name of Spain. Oh, God. Hey, you brought it up, pal. I know I did. Interesting topic, and no one could put it in perspective like Adam Carolla. Adam, give us one more shout out to your podcast for my listeners so they can tune in. You just go to Yule-Nog-Barr-A-A-Nus.com.

Really, type in all that and see what happens. You're going to Adamcarola.com, or you can go to iTunes, and you can listen to basically this for an hour free every day. Wow, you do an hour. Well, look, before we go, I'm going to give you one more chance to use your phrase, and I'm going to be Biff from back to the future, and then you can use your phrase on me, and we'll get the hell out of this show, okay? Okay.

Adam, make like a tree and get out of here. Beat it. Oh, sweet, daddy. Thanks, Adam. Thanks, Arlen. Oh, there we go. Mr. Adam Carolla, bears and bleached panda eyes and Lady Liberty and all kinds of fun topics.

I sure had a good time. My thanks to Adam Carolla for driving down the Harlan Highway with us today. I hope you guys enjoyed Adam as much as I did. We'll get them back here again real soon and do some more chatting with the old AC. And in the meantime, thanks for joining. Thanks for coming along for the ride. Always a tasty, tasty, tasty, treat, sir.

But that's all the show we have for today. Hope you liked it. I had a great time, but now it's time for us to leave. We'll catch you next time. Now, why don't you make like a tree and get out of you? It's leave, you idiot. Make like a tree and leave. You sound like a damn fool when you say it wrong.

All right, then leave.