The Harland Highway - HARLAND goes SOLO for this conspiracy theory and sea critters filled episode!

Episode Date: April 9, 2024

Harland breaks down humanoids, Nicolas Cage, Bigfoot, and more in this solo episode! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Look out Toronto. Daddy's coming home. That's right. I'm going to be back in my hometown of Toronto, Ontario. That's where it all started for me, doing stand-up at the Royal Theater, April 12th, 7 p.m. show and 10 p.m. show. So cool to be coming back where it all started for me. So the Royal Theater, April 12th, 7 and 10 p.m. one night only. get your tickets, gang. They're going fast and want you to come out

and have some laughs. So, uh, see you there. So I'm walking along the beach in my lemon lime crocs. I don't know what color yours are, but daddy likes the party with the lemon lime crock man.

De Bomber Ross crockman. Everybody else take the color they want, but I'm going to Have the bummer roast lemon lime crock on me feet, man. Blood clot, the rumba, rumba, rumba, I don't, that's... You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show.

Harland Williams. Mm-hmm. Oh, well now, now that, that, that's right. That's right, let it, and, you're right here on the Hall of Highway Parkin today. Wow, we're doing a cage. Look at this. I got my, I got to show you this. I got my Cajun T-shirt on.

Look at the lobster broil and the Caw Daddy and all the Cajun Ecriman on a T-shirt. Going full Cajun today, going in 100% Cajun. I don't even know why I do the Cajun thing. I have no idea. It just feels good. It rolls off the tongue. It just kind of, you know, go to back of the three.

road and it kind of get stuck down in the epiglottis, and it just kind of, you know, get little jammed in in the nasal cavity there, and it just kind of suck your whole face in and to participate in verbalizing. There's only the Cajun language can. Whereas when you talk clear and crystal clear like this, it's just, it's just coming out of your mouth. But when you go Cajun, oh, my, you suck your whole face in. It's like, you ever see a rotten pumpkin, you know, Jackal Lantern?

And after about seven weeks, it's just like, it's like just sucked in. Try talking Cajun. Like if you want us to take like a 20 second silence where you can just say your name, say, hi, my name is Hall and William, and today I'm talking Cajun. So say your name and just, I'll give you 20 seconds. Go. there it is 20 seconds and I bet you could you feel it just working so welcome to the harland highway podcast today today my co-hosts are the tender frienders they're there here

the tender how are you boys well okay same to you um that wasn't very tender Okay. Wow. The 10 de Frienda in the ha. The Cajun 10 to Frienda. Before we get gone, I just want to say thank you to all of you watching, subscribing. Can you believe we just hit 70,000 subscribers? Why? Like, I think it was just a month ago I was asking everyone to subscribe because we hit 60,000 and now it's like 10,000 more. And just keep it coming, man. It's just, it's a great thing. It lets me know that this, this thing we're doing here is working. It's, it's, it's appealing to people.

It's, it's got the Rok-Hasian spa, spas. So thank you, everyone. And today we're doing a little bit of a solo show. I had a guest and they canceled, but that's okay. because believe you, me, I got enough to talk about on my own time. Believe me. And I want to start with a conspiracy theory. I don't know how many of y'all are conspiracy theorists, but yours truly doesn't usually buy into the conspiracy theories, but I went on a deep dive. I wanted to clear some nonsense up. I wanted to get answers.

And so through my diligent research, my answers will now become your answers. I know they're free of charge, no, no fee, nothing will be mailed to your home. There'll be no monthly payments. This is free. And it might, if nothing else, just clear your conscience, clear your head. Get rid of things you've been thinking about your whole life. and now you can finally just go okay okay if you want to do it Nicholas Cage style there's two okays in the world ladies and there's there's just okay okay and then there's

the Nick Cage style it's like okay so it's up it's up to you which one you want to do I'm not going to judge I'm not even going to judge Judge Judy. So here's my conspiracy theory. Wow. It starts in the 60s and it deals with the assassination of JFK. Let's run down some events, okay? In the early 60s, a conspiracy, a myth, a legend sprung up,

when about an 18-inch footprint was found in a forest, a large humanoid, ape-like footprint, and they dubbed it the big foot. This was the first time we'd ever seen a big, just they had one picture of a, you can't forget it, of a giant footprint, looked like a human footprint, but just 18 inches, big, big, big, big footprint. So we've all got that image of that solo footprint emblazoned in our mind.

And you ask, well, how does the footprint of Bigfoot, the first footprint of Bigfoot, play into the assassination of our beloved president, JFK, or KFC, if you're, if you like a fat president. Here's how it plays in. Here's how they're linked. First of all, let's talk about how elusive the legendary Bigfoot. is we have the footprint, apparently it's real, and we've never physically laid hands on a true big foot. Why?

Is the government hiding something? Does the government not want us to know? Is it kind of like UFOs and aliens where we're pretty damn sure there's something out there, and we're probably pretty damn sure that the government knows something about something? but for some reason isn't telling us and why am I doing this because I've got a little bit of Nicholas Cage in me. So here's how I was able to kind of thread all of this together,

create this conspiracy tapestry and unweave the strands, if you will. So we start with the big footprint, okay? That's in the 60s. Cut to the 60s, the late 60s, JFK, or KFC, if you're a fatty, get shot, okay? He gets shot.

Some say it came from a window in the book suppository, and others say it came from the grassy knoll. All scientific and forensic research seems to indicate that JFK's head went back. He was shot from the front. You can even see it in the famous Ziprooter film or whatever it's called. JFK does not get shot and slouch forward.

He takes the hit and his brains basically fly. His whole head goes backwards. And it sort of debunks the whole theory of Lee Harvey Oswald up in a book suppository at a very difficult range, a very difficult angle, a moving target, shooting them precisely and accurately from behind. If you watch carefully at the breakdown, the forensic breakdown of any of the bullet entry points

and the angle, the trajectory, all these big words that many of you don't know, Many of you don't hear those words tossed around up at DeVry, where you go. So just ride with this. Ride with this, okay? So now we have to conclude, at least I do, as the conspiracy theorist, breakdowniest, which is Greek for a guy who breaks down conspiracy theory. now I have to conclude that based on the forensic evidence that the shots were fired from the grassy

knoll okay so let's cut to for a minute the same day Kennedy was shot which was early morning I believe or just around lunchtime sun high in the sky let's cut to just a little ways away in a forested area on the same day, the famous film footage of what they believe to be the only legitimate Sasquatch. You've seen it that one where the things lumbering, he's got his arms swinging, he's lumbering across the creek bed into the pine trees, he's just lumbering, and he does that famous look back, and he's sort of like a hurry? Well, isn't that interesting? What hurry does a Sasquatch need? Where does Yeti need to be? Is there a brunch over by the boulders? Is somebody having a Alcoholics

Anonymous session over at the community center? What's the rush, Nacho? So now if you kind of start to put the pieces together. Let's talk about a grassy knoll. Hey everybody, weird question, but do you want to smell like a zero? I want to tell you about this product called Mando. It is this unbelievable application you put on your body and it will stop your stink for over 72 hours, if not more. It can go in your armpits. It can go on your butt crack. It can go down. It can go down. in your man areas. It can go in the folds, in the skin. Wherever you want to put it, this stuff is clinically proven to stop the odor. It's Mando, and it's from the makers of loom-me deodorant. It's clinically proven to stop odor for 72 hours, wherever you stink.

So make the switch to Mando the whole body deodorant and smell like a zero every day. I have a special offer to tell you about right now, new customers get $5,000. off a starter pack with our exclusive code and link, okay? Use code Harland at shopmando.com. S-H-O-P-M-A-N-D-O dot com. And this stuff I've had it on, it just gives you confidence, it makes you feel stink-free.

I mean, when the soap and water wear off people, the Mando just keeps given. It just, it knocks out the stain. and it prevents any stink from, it just cuts it off at the beginning, cutting off the stink. It's safe to use anywhere on your body, and it was created by a doctor

who saw firsthand how normal B.O. was being misdiagnosed and mistreated. So this is clinically proven to block the odor all day and for up to 72 hours. It's baking soda-free, farben-free, pH balance, and safety use below the belt. Clinically proven to control odor better than a shower with soap.

Don't forget the starter pack is perfect for new customers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant, cream tube deodorant, two free products of your choice, and free shipping, okay? And don't forget, as a special offer for listeners, new customers get $5 off a Mando starter pack with the code Harland. Harland at shopmando.com. that equates to over 40% off your starter pack when you visit shopmando.com and use the code Harland. So there you go. Stop stinking, start thinking, and let's go. Now that we're odor-free,

let's get back to the show. Okay. Where have you ever heard the term grassy knoll ever before? Only in Dallas, Texas. Have you ever gone to New York and said, hey, let's go to. the let's go to the grassy knoll you ever been down in the Atlanta hi let's go to the grassy knoll you ever been over in uh california hey man let's go to the grassy knoll did no hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you want it to be better not worse trust me and adam and eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on

your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com.

This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discreet. count and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Only in freaking Dallas, right in front of where El Presidante took the El Belletto's. Is there a grassy knoll? You don't hear that term anywhere. You don't see a grassy knoll. Everywhere else it's just hills, lawns, grass. What is a knoll? Who the hell? Who the hell? came up with knoll, somehow there's a grassy knoll in Dallas right where the assassination took place. So just so you know, a grassy knoll is sort of a grass-covered hill. Now we're talking about

a grassy knoll in Dallas in the 60s when the city was not that developed. Okay? There was room for a grassy knoll. There was space. There wasn't the architectural clutter that there is now. What city has room for a grassy knoll. I mean, do you know the prices of real estate in Manhattan, in Los Angeles, in Miami, any city, Dallas? Like a patch of land, the size of Charday's forehead, is worth $4 million. So there ain't no grassy knolls hanging around.

That grassy knoll is probably worth a 40, it's right downtown. That's prime real estate, that knoll. So here's the deal. Why was there a knoll? We don't know, but there was. It's grass in a city, but back then when the city wasn't as populated by architecture,

what does a grassy knoll evolve into? You have to look beyond the knoll and look at where it goes. So a grassy knoll, if you keep walking, It eventually becomes unkempt, okay? A grassy knoll is probably manicured. It's probably been landscaped. It's in the city.

It's right downtown. They want it to look purdy. But what happens when you start walking towards the far, recessed end of Elgrassy, El Noli? Well, now the grass starts getting a little higher. Here's that word again, unkempt. the grass gets higher the weeds start growing the shrubs you see where i'm saying the further along you go the thicker the grassy knoll gets almost like a dirty lesbian's bush on a hot summer night

what so as you keep traversing the grassy knoll the deeper you get into it the further along you go it evolves into a field. Now you've got the knee-high grasses. You got the knee-high grasses. You're like gladiator, walking in a dream sequence, touching the tips of the grass with your gladiator blood-soaked fingers. And you're walking through the grass, and then the grasses graduate into shrubs,

and then into weeds, and then into small plants and trees. And eventually, folks, it evolves into a full-fledged forest. Now let's examine again the interesting, hasty gate of one said Sousquia, the Yeti. Do you remember how he was walking through the, he's got his arms swinging, and he looks like he's in a bit of her, and he does that look back? Well, if that isn't the look, ladies and gentlemen, that famous, famous film clip of that Sasquatch walking through that forest, the way he's doing it,

and the way he looks back, if that's not the look of a mythical beast that just shot a beloved president, right? Are you seeing how this is patching together? You've got a sauce squash. Okay? He doesn't want parkland developed. He wants forests preserved. He wants to stop the timber industry.

He wants to maintain his environment. Who's at the top of the pecking order? Who signs the permits for lumber and timber industries and mining and fishing and all the things that disrupt and destroy the natural environment of a hairy Yeti South Guarach? It's the president, gang. It's the top dog. It's the KFC. Crunchy or regular.

Spicy or mild. In a South Guillaach's mind, that guy has to be stopped. And so what do you do? One sunny day in the 1960s, well, the hippies are smoking their reefer and sniffing the corns on their dirty, dog dirt, stained feet.

old Sasquiat sees the timber industry starting to chip away at his beautiful land, his sacred forest. He's seen the mining companies come in, his world is shrinking. He's got a family and relatives to think about. There's other Sikwatra is out in the forest. And so he's going to do something about it. He follows the trees, into the brush, into the field, into the grassy knoll.

And this is America, ladies and gentlemen. We all know it is. This is the U.S. of A. This is Texas where they eat guns for breakfast. It ain't hard to get your hands on a rifle or two. So as old hairy buns is trucking out of the front, forest and making his way slowly to the grassy knoll. Sure, he picks up a rifle or two. Picks up a rifle. Here comes Kennedy, down the street, waving. It's beautiful wife by his side.

Jacqueline Kennedy, Onassis, for some reason they had the Greek name in there, even though she wasn't married to him yet. And here he comes waving to the throngs of fans, the people who adore him, who voted for him, who didn't vote for him, one of the most beloved presidents, if not the most beloved president of the United States of America, the most powerful country in the world. Or as Don Knott's would say it, the most powerful country in the world. um here he comes here comes the guy in his shiny black limo his pearly whites his perfect hair and the world loves them except for one dirty moss stinking saucequatch hiding on the grassy knoll

with a loaded colt 45 smith in weston 52 nine seven C-3-P-O-R-T-D-T, R-T-T-R-T-R-T-R-T-R-T-R-T-R-T-ROT, chamber-made racketeering the piston turbine rifle. The guys know what I'm talking about, the guys. And he's laying there, and here comes the president. The world couldn't be brighter. The president whose very hand signed the decrees to let the foresting and the mining and the fishing. And here's old Sasquatch.

Lines up his C-3P-O-R-2-D-2-59 Benson and Hedges Black and Decker revolver. And he's got eyes like a hairy monkey that eats birds' nests for snacks. And this guy lives in bird nest country. You think he doesn't go up into the trees at night and watch the sunset and eat bird eggs like their popcorn? You're damn right he does. He's Souskwit, Yacht. And here comes.

Here comes KFC, right around the corner. His golden skin glistening in the Dallas sun. And here's Sousquatch. with a glint in his eye. It's time for payback, baby. seven shots, maybe eight, maybe ten. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, right into the KFC.

Sasquowich has done his job. He's evened the playing field. He's taken back what he believes is his, and he turns, and he hustles out of Dodge. he's done the job he's assassinated the guy that's taking his land away starts lumbering

across the grassy knoll through the fields through the trees and he gets into the forest just as a bunch of cowboys happen to be filming in the forest he's unaware of them and he's walking like a guilty

sowsquiat looking over his shoulder to make sure nobody's watching him and if you see that one hand go back, he swings it back. If they had moved the camera just over four feet, you probably would have seen Souskriotch throw a rifle onto the forest floor. Just boom, boom, boom, right? You saw him, he does that one look back. Why is he looking back?

The forest is that way. The Sousquiat is 15 feet tall. He has no predators. He has no enemies. Why was he looking back? why was he looking back with that guilty because he shot kFC he shot him dead he shot him dead and splattered his brains all over dallas texas so now now the government's got some covering up to do what do we do with the killer sowsquiatch we say the shot was fired

from a book depository, some lone gunman, some guy apparently was a Russian agent, but yet he just lived a quiet life in the community. The Russians goaded him on to do it. No real motive, no real reason. And before he can have his trial and tell his story, they just conveniently pop him off.

But now they got some problem, players. Now they got some problem. got their gunmen. They got their gunmen roaming in the forest. They don't want people burning down the forest. They don't want people going on a manhunt for the South Squioch. So what do we do? Well, something else happened in the 60s just days after the assassination of KFC.

Good old USA America. took off for the moon the first country ever to get to the moon and now here's where the third part of the conspiracy theory gets tied together

space suits ladies and gentlemen NASA space suits you saw them right big giant white suits with a bubble head with a mirrored visor. Did you ever see who is inside the NASA spacesuits, the Apollo 11 space suit?

I couldn't see through the visors. So now what do you do? You get the Sasquatch on the Apollo 11. You get his ass up to the moon when no one can track him. No one can hurt him. and he gets out of that spaceship, he walks down the ladder, and boom, what do we see? The first thing we see on the moon, an 18-inch space boot footprint.

This is one small step for South Squoach, one giant leap. for Yeti kind. Ladies and gentlemen, they took Sasquatch and put him on the moon. He's up there. That's why you don't see him. That's why we've never found another footprint. Same size, the footprint in the forest,

the footprint on the moon, they're the same size. Everything works in chronological order as I laid it out, ladies and gentlemen. Souscuac assassinated John F. Kennedy, KFC, the crispiest, most delicious president we've ever had. The government covered it up. He was shot by Sousquich.

The government transported Sousquietch to the moon to cover it up. And that big, hairy space bastard lives up there now. might as well be a space monkey. And now you can go through your days, through your life, and be clear, be clear, be rid of all this nonsense, all these ideas, all these theories, all these conspiracies floating around in your head. I just cleared it up.

The no-brainer, you're welcome. Wow. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie, but not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts.

You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got coffee mugs. We got t-shirts. You name it.

It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. and I'll just keep the groovy images coming. It's good to get that off the chest. You know, I've been holding on to that for so long. And tell your friends, just it's done. I want to switch gears.

Speaking of space technology, there's this new technology, relatively new technology in Las Vegas called the sphere. I don't know if you've seen it. It's this giant technological marvel. It's everyone that goes to it says it's beautiful. You go inside and U-2's playing and rock bands and they're showing movies. And on the outside of this round sphere, this huge sphere, this thing's like, I don't know,

200 feet high or something, maybe more. They can project imagery onto the outside of the sphere. They can put the American flag, They can put a bunch of clouds floating by. They can put colors. They can put the moon and the stars. And they also did something that probably cost them, cost them dearly,

because this thing was only up for about five months. And I was in Vegas. And while I was there, I'm a gamer. I'm a gamer from the 80s. I loved my video games from the 80s. Okay, some might say I was addicted. And I'm not proud of this, but the people who run the spear, they projected an image, a full yellow image of Pac-Man.

We all know Pac-Man, right? The big round circle he goes around eating everything. It's like a pig. He's like Marie-Ozman on a Thursday night. at a Baskin Robbins, all you can eat, mint chocolate chip festival, right? And here I am, addicted, still may be addicted to Pac-Man from the 80s. I'm walking around in the Vegas streets and standing before me like a god, like a video game god, is a 200-foot-tall Pac-Man,

and I got a lot of revenge built up. I lost a lot of quarters to that yellow freak. I dedicated a lot of time to that yellow freak. He just kept eating and eating and he didn't age, but I got older. He burned up a lot of years of my life and I always wanted to get him back. This is a real show about revenge right now. I promised the final story will be more uplifting. But right now, so here's this 200-foot pack.

man I'm in Vegas I plan I plan I go and rent a Hummer you know these these vehicles the Humvees the big like Hummer Arnold Schwarzenegger's a Hummer I got to get the Hummer I go and rent one of these I go and I park I park in the shadow of one of the casinos I won't say which one won't say the Hooters Casino, but I park in the shadow and I wait for this giant, round, massive Pac-Man to show itself on the exterior of the sphere. And there's some clouds, there's a rainforest,

there's the American flag, and I'm sitting there in the air-conditioned beauty of my Hummer, my rented Hummer. All of a sudden, the giant sphere turns yellow and turns into Pac-Man. Put her into drive, gun it. Daddy puts his pedal to the metal, puts his foot to the floor because Daddy likes to ride hot.

And I speed with everything I got under the hood of that Hummer. Also the name of a sex act in West Hollywood. And I'm just burning up the asphalt. old ladies diving out of my way, their groceries up in the air, zucchini, squash, gourds, pantyhose, hundreds of old ladies, boom, boom, I hit a few children. I knocked out some fire hydrants, water spraying, old ladies. They're on top of the water spouts screaming, their legs in the air with their creepy caramel-colored nylon panties and their leggings and they're oh god and i'm just

i got fire in my eyes i like it's like i got two packs of arby's horsy sauce and just squirted into my eyes there's flames Garby's Here comes the giant Pac-Man boom Daddy hits the Pac-Man I hit it so hard knocked the Schveer

the Britney Schre right off its moorings and now Pac-Man 200 feet tall is rolling down the Las Vegas strip Weir, weir, weir, weir, eating casinos, eating families, eating children, eating stray dogs, swallowing cats and spitting them out.

Somehow it doesn't like pussy. Weir, weir, we, and off it goes in the distance, cuts a hole through the mountains on the horizon line. Vegas destroyed. Countryside, devastating. And as we speak right now, somewhere in this vast country of ours, Pac-Man cuts a swath through the communities, the valleys, the hills, the dales, eating anything in its way. Destruction, unmast. So beware, be careful.

Pac-Man is out there, and it's all because of me. but I don't care. How's that? Well, how's that? I unleash horror on the world, and then right at the end, it's just, I don't care. Yeah, Pac-Man's coming to eat your town, your village, your family. I don't care.

Like, the way I just threw it away, so nonchalant, so laissez-faire. So laissez-faire. Yeah. So? So what? So I unleashed Pac-Man on you. So what? We all got to die. You want to die from a terminal illness? You want to get, you want to drown in a river? You want to get hit by a bus? Or do you want to get up to heaven and tell all those other loser angels that you got swallowed by Pac-Man? Now, that's a story, ladies and gentlemen. That's a story that angels will want to hear. standing around the holy water cooler, the holy water cooler. All the angels just, you get the bragging right, you get to speak of a death that no one

has ever spoke of up there on those puffy ghost farts in the sky. So you're welcome. And if I want to say it like Nicholas Cage, I will. You're welcome. Fuck, I did it, fuck you, I did it, I did it, I did it, I caged it, caged it up, I uncaged it, uncaged the cage, and I just, you're welcome, okay? I mean, folks, you can't stop this podcast, look, I can play, I can play the theme music whenever I want, I can, I can make a dopey noise, I can,

I can create suspense for no reason at all. What was once just a normal, calm, rational podcast, is now teetering on the edge of what? Of the unknown. Of the mystery. Of the terror of what lies beyond. We went from complacency, a normal say. Just another sunny day in the neighborhood. And now, what manner of madness looks beyond the horizon?

Oh, see, this is what I'll do. And if you want to fuck with me, if you want to get my grill, this is what you're going to get. So back down, walk backwards, Nacho. grab an adult diaper, put it on your face, breathe it in real deep, and go puke on a manatee. I said it. What's that?

Where are we? Who's there? What's happening? Are you all the Holland Highway Podcast? I don't know anymore. Everything's just gone completely mad. Oh my God. The suspense is killing me.

See? Boom. You didn't see the second one coming. I'm a power player. Daddy likes to party. I'm a power player. Daddy not only gets up in your grill. Daddy gets up in your grilled cheese.

I'll take the melted cheese. I'll stuff it in your artery. Watch you have a heart attack right. in front of me, spasm around like a squirrel or a salamander that's just been side-clipped by a white van on its way to Dairy Queen with a bunch of demented children with braces on their eyes and they don't know how to eat a dilly bar and they're going to stick it in their eye repeatedly. So back off, move out, sift some sand in your dirty, dirty 1980s George Michael face and puff a bag of A bag of cheese twirls, freaks.

Wow. Let's get to our next story. This is our final story. And this is a story that I think, unlike the other two, some of you might not have been able to relate to. But this story is really something that has a universal theme. And let me just start by saying, isn't it funny how life moves in cycles, how forces can come together, unforeseen forces can come together, bits and pieces can come together to make a whole.

And isn't that part of the beauty and charm of life, disjointed moments in life, somehow magically, serendipitously, somehow find their way? to combine, to conjoin and create a whole piece. And I want to share a story with you that really almost is hard to believe. It happened when two forces that are a big part of my life converged and made a hole and made me just go, wow. Wow, like if you ever lose hope in life, if you ever get down, if you ever just kind of think you want to give up on life. No, because eventually things happen. Things filtered together. Things float together. They find each other. They bond. They bind. And suddenly, somehow, the chaos of life makes perfect sense. Let's start with this. Those of you that know me, you know, there's two things

in life that I adore, that I love. Okay? One of them is New Year's Eve. noise makers party favors you know new year's eve you know the horns and then the my favorite one the you know the little the little thing it rolls out you blow it and then then it like curls up and comes back it goes that one's my favorite just the motion the unfurling and it's like a it's like a fatty but some fatty up on Brokeback Mountain rolling out a sleeping bag, hoping that the night's going to be hot, spicy, and full of lasagna. Don't know what that meant. Don't know what that meant.

We're going to clear the air with a little theme music. I'm just going to clear the image of a fat guy in a sleeping bag on Brokeback Mountain playing with a lasagna. Let's do it one more time. That because I said it again and wow. So I love New Year's Eve party favors. I'm a nut for them. I'm just a New Year's party favor. I'm a nut.

I'm a nut. I'm a party favor or not, okay? That's number one. I love them. Can't get enough of them. It doesn't even have to be New Year's, but it should be. The second thing I love, and you know this, you there, Carl, crinkle fries over there in Delaware,

and you over there, Peggy Punch My Face Little Peggy Punch My Face Over there in Duluth, Minnesota And all the way over in New Zealand Samuel Stink Bomb Crack How are you, gang? Some of my viewers

The second thing I love As much as New Year's Eve party favors Is sea critters Oh, do I love sea critters Sea cucumbers, sea urchins or porcupine eggs Sting rays, mantarays. Have you seen the mantarays? They swim underwater.

Unlike land birds, they've got wings made of meat. They've got these beautiful meat wings. I don't know if you've ever seen meat flapping underwater, but wow. Maybe over there at the Jenny Craig lap pool, you've seen a bit of meat flapping underwater, but I'm talking about the ones out in the wild ocean. I love me some sea cucumbers. I love me an octopie. And here's where the two forces in my life came together.

I never thought it would happen. I'm at the beach recently. I'm down at the beach. I love a good day at the beach. The smell of seerch and clit in the air. The breathing in the waft of sea turtle placenta. Oh, sea cucumber turd. I mean, just the seerchin. smell of the beach. It's wonderful. Stepping on washed up tampons and bent heroin needles. Ah, stop me. And I'm walking along the beach. Beautiful sunny day. I'm in my lemon lime crocks, okay? I don't know what color your crocs are, but mine are lemon lime. You see, folks, the sneeze was unexpected.

I didn't know what to do with it. And I know this, from my comedy classes up at DeVry, that when you stumble on a little glitch during your performance, divert and distract and did it masterfully. I shouldn't have even told you, because it was seamless. I'm telling this story about the sea, the ocean. I'm painting a picture.

I sneeze. I inhaled what? What did I inhale? A seed from a golden rod. A spore from a pine tree. Some lichomelten from a skunk delincunk molecule conglunk doctor. So I'm walking along the beach in my lemon lime crocs. I don't know what color yours are,

but daddy likes the party with the lemon lime crock, man. The bumber ross crock, man. Everybody else take the color they want, but I'm going to have the bummer ross lemon lime crock on my feet, man. Blood clot, rumba, rumba bumba. I don't, that's... So I'm walking along the beach in my lemon lime crocs, and I'm looking over my shoulder.

I'm looking back like an autistic kid because I like looking back I like the tread marks that the lemon lime crocks leave in the sand there's just something about them they're soothing they're calming to me there's a form to them

that just I don't know it's like looking at a cheese grater through the eyes of a demented baby seal with Chinese coconut peppercorn teeth So I'm walking along. I'm walking along the beach. And as you know, the sea is full of critters. The sea is a mighty force.

The sea is the pulse of the universe of the planet. The never-ending heartbeat. Sounds like the ocean needs a sleep apnea machine, if I'm being honest. But you know what I'm talking about, the never-ending tide, the energy, the flow of the ocean. And I'm walking along, and I look down on the sparkling sand and washed in on the foam of a wave, laying there helpless on the sand, a seahorse. We all love seahorses, a tiny little seahorse about yay big with their long, pointy noses. and their little curly tails.

They're some of the most adorable horses you'll ever see. The only bald horses I know of, no hair, not one piece of hair on a seahorse. Every other horse, hairy as fuck. Or, as Nick Cage would say, Harry as fog. So here's this seahorse laying on the sand. has given it back. A seahorse that cannot survive without the flow of the salty sea

caressing and pouring over its lungs, its gills. And here it is gasping, dying on the sand as I hover over it like a god in my lemon-lime crocs. I'm not going to let this creature die. I'm not going to let it. I love sea creatures. I've already told you. And I reach down with my giant pomegranate peeling hands. And I scoop up. I scoop up the little sea horse. He lays in my hand, his little lungs slowly running out of oxygen. And I know that in that crucial moment, as he, he inhales his last breaths, I must administer.

I must administer mouth to mouth, reciprocation or precipitation or whatever. it is. I must help this little lovable sea creature live. And so I pick him up on his back and I lay him on my hand and I purse my lemon meringue pie sucking lips. And I placed them over the little nose of the seahorse. And I start breathing. And I breathe and I push my own oxygen into his lungs and wouldn't you know with every breath his little curled up tail like a New Year's Eve

party favor Are you Fing Are you Fing kidding me? The two things I love the most. New Year's Eve party favors, mainly the one you blow and the little thing rolls out, and sea critters. And I get a sea horse. I blow in his elongated nose, like a living, breathing, sea New Year's Eve party favor, salt, water, party favors, sea. And I looked down at my watch

And I went, oh my God, it's the last day of the year. It's New Year's Eve. And as the sun went down on the horizon, and the pink flamingos all flew to their gay bars, I sat there on the sand and blew life into this unsuspecting sea critter that had no idea the harmony, the bliss that it had created by conjurial. joining my two loves in my life. New Year's Eve party favors

and sea critters. I don't know why I did the noise. I'm not going to apologize. I didn't even like that. So there you go, folks. Just whatever is going on in your life, just know that life is mysterious. Life has a way of doing strange and amazing things. Life has a way of circling around, taking the elements that make your life worth living

and somehow bringing them together. You've got to have that belief. You've got to have that faith. You've got to have that knowing deep inside you that life finds its way. You're here for a reason. life provides the answers life provides joy and on that note um i think we'll wrap it up i think we got through a lot i think all of us probably need therapy um but here we are nonetheless and uh i want to thank you again. I want to thank you for watching the podcast. Please tell your friends about it. If you

haven't subscribed to the podcast, please just hit that subscribe button. And if this episode terrified you, please don't hit unsubscribe. Just stay there. Other better episodes will come around. This one was a real tough. This one was, I think we all know, this one was real tough. This one was real hard. Real hard. but also while you're there, check out my stand-up comedy schedule at harlandwilliams.com. You can see all my tour dates. I'm touring around the country,

so I might be coming to your city or town, a guarantee, harlunwilms.com. Also go to harbling.com and check out my hand-drawn t-shirts. I draw them all myself right onto the t-shirt. A lot of fun designs. I think you'll like them. if you want a personal video message from me that resembles what you just saw here today,

you can go to the Cameo app and type my name in at Cameo. And you can request me to make a personal video for you. It can be for a birthday, an anniversary, a funeral, a graduation. It could just be a pep talk. People hit me up all the time on Cameo and just say, Arling, give me a pep talk. or they ask me about certain topics or advice or they just want me to give them a laugh. So it's right there.

And then if you want to call in, oh my God, we have a phone number where if you want to leave a message, you might get on the Harland Highway, Ponger. It's 323-696-0-2-2-2-2. 3-3-3-6-9-6-0-2-2-2. And we might, I put your voice message on the podcast that you can say whatever you want.

Talk about whatever you want. Ask whatever you want. Now they don't all get on. We get a lot of them. So we sort of have to pick through. But don't give up. And don't be offended if we don't get to you because we have a lot. There's no possible way we can put all of them on.

But we love hearing from you regardless. And also, we also have the Harland Highway merchandise store. on the YouTube page, right underneath where the video plays. We have a store where you can buy Harland Highway merchandise, T-shirts, coffee mugs, stickers, hoodies, all kinds of cool stuff. And again, I can't thank y'all enough for being here. You, who, boy, I cannot thank y'all enough for watching the podcast. But that's it for today.

Folks, I hope you had a good time. I hope you learned a lot. I know I did. And let's hit the theme music. We'll be back next time for more fun, more frolic. We've got some more great guests coming up. We also have another episode where it's all dedicated to your phone calls. So like I said, phone in and leave a message.

And I love having you here. Love doing the show, and until next time. Chicken, Chalman, baby.