The Harland Highway - Harland Highway CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Episode Date: December 19, 2019

Hopefully a few good Christmas laughs make for a fun gift. Happy Holidays ya'll. Hope you enjoy this Christmas podcast special. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, welly, well, well, well, welly, well, well, welly, well, well, look who it is. Look who it is, boys and gurgle glargans. It's yours truly, it's yours truly, Harland Honeybun Williams, yes? Can you believe it's like a ghost from the grave? It's like a zombie rising up. from the podcast Graveyard. Well, you know why? You know why I'm here?

I'll tell you why I'm here. Come a little closer. I'll tell you why I'm here, sunshine. Because some of you, some of you out there in podcast land, who have been saddened and dismayed that the Harlan highways been shut down, some of you have been asking kindly if I could do just one more and many of you have been writing and saying

could you just do one for the holidays Mr. Williams please I mean after all Mr. Williams it's the holidays I mean have a heart have a soul it's the freaking holidays Mr. Williams

I mean isn't it that they're done? I'm a year where people do good things for each other and give to each other and sacrifice? Yeah, they do. You're absolutely right. And that's why gurgelblurgens and nargobloggins, I am doing a very special Harland Highway Christmas show just for you. I thought, how can I give back? How can I instill some joy and merriment and holiday fungal glunch, whatever that means?

And I thought, maybe I got to do a Harland Highway podcast Christmas special. Just one more. One more for the kids. So here you go. You asked for it. You got it. It's a very special Christmas time. Harland Highway

What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about words? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh God, what's happening here? What's happened?

Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, Not because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place.

The Harland Highway. What is it? Opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man.

That is fantastic. Oh, it's the most wonderful time of the year. Nobody likes a jolly in the box. Hello, everybody. Welcome to this very special edition of the Harland Highway, a Christmas holiday special edition, where, you know, like I said in the intro, some of you wrote in and some of you tweeted

and some of you left voice messages and you're just like, can we just have a little more? And I was like, you know what? It's the holidays. It's a time of giving. It's a time of putting it out there for others. And by golly, it feels good to be back on the microphone. Oh, listen to my voice.

It sounds like a box of golden onion rings. But no, this is fun. As you know, this is one of my favorite times of the year, if not my favorite. I've always been a Christmas guy. You know that from years of listening to the podcast Where, you know, I love to talk about Christmas And I love to play the carols and the things And the jingle bells and the snowmen's.

So that's what we're going to do. You know, this is a one-off and we're just going to have some fun. I think Aunt Ruthie's going to be calling in. Apparently, Aunt Ruthie had some kind of altercation in her neighborhood regarding Christmas. Who knows who else is going to call in? Who knows what else is going to happen? We're going to play one of my favorite traditional Christmas carols by Rudy Carsoni. We're going to play snowballs.

I mean, we have to. We do it every year. Come on. Come on. What? Come on So So I hope you enjoy it

And I hope you're having a great holiday So I'm into the spirit I put my lights up the other day And You know There's just something about getting those lights up Colored lights It's just so weird

Wendy ever used colored lights You know Maybe if you're having a party Or a disco or a karaoke power jam or something, you put up the colored lights. But no other time of year do you really put up colored lights. And the fun part is when you put them up,

and I usually every year, I don't know why, but I end up putting them up like just before it starts to get dark. You know that kind of, you know, the sun goes down at like 4 o'clock at night in the winter? it's like it's almost like we're in like some kind of like Norway or something where it you know they don't get any sun as the winter gets deeper the days get shorter and it's like well it's 2 o'clock

sunset 2.35 better get the pajamas on and make a hot cocoa and start heading to bed it's almost 3 in the afternoon I don't want to be I don't want to be stumbling around in the dark. So I always put the lights up just a little bit before it starts to get darker. By the time I've done it, by the time I've changed the broken bulbs and strung the wiring up and found the electrical cord

and weaved the stringer through everything, I have to weave it through so that it hangs properly, just right around then. It's like, you know, just the sun's gone down, and it's not 100% dark. It's like maybe 20% light left. In other words, it's just that perfect amount of light that when you plug it in, you still get the effect of the electric colored lights

illuminating the semi-darkness. And there's just a thrill to that, man. There's just an excitement. Oh, I like plugging into lights. What do you like to do, Billy? I like to plug in the lights. Oh, Billy, say it again. I like to plug in the lights.

Oh, Billy. Say it again, Billy. Oh, I like to plug in the lights. What is happening? Where did that go wrong? Suddenly it became like some weird erotic. I don't know what the hell that was. But isn't that the...

beauty of the Harland Highway podcast. Things just happen without explanation. But, oh, hold on. Wait, I was about to start into another bit. And Roger, who, by the way, flew in just for this special. Give Roger a hand. Thank you, Roger. Trooper.

Can't do the show without Roger. And he's telling me we've got a phone call. Somebody's wise to what we're doing. do it and we have our, I have a phone call coming in. Don't even tell me who it is, Raj. Just put them on through. I'm open to talk to anyone. It's the friggin holidays. Put them through.

Here we go. Phone call number one. Hello. Hello. Hello. Thank you for calling the Harland Highway Holiday Special. Who do have the pleasure of talking to? Hello, Holland? Hello? Hello, Holland. It's Rabbi Papad.

Oh, my God, Rabbi Papp and I'm, how are you? Well, I'm doing good holidays. I thought I've been shown your podcast and, you know, I wish you the happy holidays. But what was that, Rabbi? I said, I'm wishing you the happy holidays. Did you say happy holidays? I don't know how many times I have to share it, yes, the happy holiday. Oh, yes, yes, rabbi. Oh, so good to hear from you, and I guess, you know, Hanukkah will be starting up soon, if not already.

Well, yes, we have the Hanukkah. She's starting, and we have, of course, the Christmas. We have your Christmas for this happening, and we have the Hanukas, and just a wonderful holiday season, all. Oh my God, it's so nice to hear your voice. Isn't it nice during the holidays, all the different faiths and religions and cultures? It seems like everything just blends into one and we all kind of drop our whatever we may have and just we become so brotherly and loving. It's a wonderful thing, Holland, about the holiday. Oh, my God, I just love it. And what will you be doing for the year, shall you want to share holidays, Holland?

Well, yeah, I'm going to do a little traveling this time. I have some family that live overseas, so I'm going to go visit them for the holidays. Oh, wonderful overseas and everywhere you are overseas Ireland. Well, I have some friends in Berlin, in Germany, actually. Oh, Germany, you say? Yeah, that's right. beautiful city, wonderful modern cosmopolitan city. Okay, well, you know, all right.

And, yeah, I'm going to stay for, I think, six or seven days. Wonderful, and where will you be staying, Holland? Well, I don't like to get too tight with people during the holidays. I don't want to impose, so I'm going to be at a beautiful hotel right downtown. Oh, wonderful. which one will you be at, the Waldorf, or maybe the Astoria, which what shall tell you will stay at Holland?

I'm going to be at the Hilton. What did you say? I'm going to stay at the Hilton, Rabbi. Hitler? No, what? You're staying at it with Hitler? What? No, I said the Hilton, the Hilton Hotel.

What? Who is this guy? Why? I phone to wish you happy holidays, and you tell me you're going to vision Hitler? I'm not, rabbi, don't do this. I am not, I'm going to stay at the Hilton Hotel in Berlin. What kind of person does this on the holidays? You go to an elevator, Berlin, the state of the Hitler? Hilton. Who is this guy here? five, would you? Oh, my goodness, you've got all the places to stay in the world.

You've got to go and stay at Hitler's house? I'm not staying at Hitler's house. Rabbi, you're not hearing me properly. I said I'm staying at the Hilton. Oh, but you know, I was going to come over with some plummetcakes and some some Rugal stops and some shlingle galamis, and I was going to stop by your studio, and I was going to bring you some Christmas to Hanukkah tidings, and next thing I know, I call my old friend, I go, where are you staying with the holidays? Oh, as a matter of fact, I'm staying at Hitler's house. I'm...

Rabbi, I'm not staying with Hitler, okay? He's not... First of all, I don't think he has a house. Second of all, he's dead, and why would I ever stay with Hitler? Well, you tell me why you stay with Hitler. I mean, you're the one who should. Where are you going? You're going to see the family.

Oh, where are you going? You're going to go. Okay, but first of all, why are you going to go there? But second of all, where do you stay? The Waldorf? The historian? No, I'm going to stay with Hitler. I mean, who is this guy here?

Who is this guy? Rabbi? You know, I was, when you got back from the holidays, okay? I was going to take you to the food cart, okay? I was a little present after the holidays. I was going to take you over to the mall, to the food court, and Gishva, I was going to take you. I think I know where?

Vetshels, pretzels! Vet... Listen, Rabbi, I would love to go with you to Vetwetzel's pretzels. and I just need you to know I'm not staying at Hitler's. I'm staying at the Hilton. Oh, but it's too late. You've said it. I mean, who is this guy here?

You know, I offered to take you to Vetzel. I am going to say, what you want to call it today, pretzels. And suddenly, you're in Hitler's house, sitting by the fireplace, Have we got cocoa with Adolf Hitler and eating the toddley wattles and who knows what you're doing? You know, Rabbi, I think maybe we should just talk after the holidays when I get back from my trap. Well, you can do whatever you want because as far as I'm concerned, you can jump on Santa's sleigh and fly all the way up your own age hole. Okay, goodbye, motherfucker. Wait, what the hell?

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Every time. Every freaking time. Aye, aye, aye. Roger, just... Is he gone? Yeah, it was this time of year. About a year ago, I think, around the holiday seasons that I was at home waiting for the old lady to get back. She'd been gone a couple weeks, you see. So I had a couple dozen hot toddies or so waiting for her there.

Huh. Finally the door opens up. Rudy! Hey, baby, it's been a while. Take off the dress. She don't. She gives me the stink eye. Where's the tree?

What do you mean? What does? It's Christmas Eve, Kazoni. Oh. Yeah, I thought it was June. She says, that's it. That's it, Rudy, I'm leaving you. I've had enough.

I can't stick no more. I found another guy. I'm gone. Hold on, baby. What do you mean on Christmas Eve? You're leaving me? You found another guy? Who is this Joe?

What's he got that I don't got? Well, he's really cute. Baby, it's me. It's Rudy. He's got a short red suit. I know I ain't no beauty, but if you squint your eyes when the lights are low,

You got one swell-looking skinny day go Kids love him to boot Was this more than a date He's got a sackaloo No, you little ain't great Well, yesterday you're my lips smacker Now you're a sugar plum nut cracker I did not forget Christmas

No, I hunch a mistletoe in my pants Packer up There's snowballs like mine And there's snowballs like the ones You're leaving behind You're gonna miss my facts Spacklin crackling hot You log

Wax nostalgic for my Steamy holiday nog He's jolly in bed Yeah, who is this pest Steets a Rosie in red Oh, I should have guessed Don't hit your ass on the way out the dough You ho-ho snow blowing ho-ho-ho

Oh Merry Christmas, Rudy Blow it out your dingle Don't go getting snooey Oh so you bag that cringle So long but don't forget my dear Old fat so comes but once a year There's snowfalls I like these

I love his big North Pole They jingle, jingle, jingle down below my knees You're gonna miss roasting my chestnuts Oh yes ma'am Good luck without my pink honey glazed Holiday ham Because there's snowballs Like my

There's snowballs like these twins You'll even be high And there's snowballs Oh my gosh, baby it is There's snowballs And there's snowballs like those nutty knocked out Nuts or cuckoo stones You're leaving behind

Dear Santa Claus Thanks for nothing P. P.S. Could you possibly bring me a new bra Or if not I don't know toss a couple of drunk elves in my bed or something A couple of your little helpers To help you

They can help me pal Oh Rudy Rudy carsoni It isn't Christmas without snowballs right That's my buddy Toby Huss Every year we play his song If you want to get his album It's on YouTube

Just look under Snowballs by Rudy Gassoni, a.k.a. Toby Huss. And just a, just a classic. Just a classic. Sorry to interrupt. What? What? Yeah. George Michael, that guy from Wham. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Roger. Under no circumstances, I have signed on to do this Christmas.

special. George Michael is not invited, okay? Every Christmas, he calls in drunk. He's juiced up on eggnog where I'm not dedicating any time to him. So whatever you do, do not put him through, okay? What am I supposed to do? Well, I don't know. Just lose the guy. Figure it out. Get rid of them. I got a podcast to do. The Christmas special. He says it's important. No, he always says that. It's a lie. He says he needs to talk to you. No, he doesn't need to talk to you. No, he doesn't need to talk to me. For what reason would he need to speak to me? I don't know, but I think he's been

drinking. Good. Then there's your answer. Do not put him through. He's going to waste our time. Now, let's just move on, and I wanted to talk about when Christmas No. Roger, no! Hello?

Hello? Hello, Holland. What the hell? Hello, Holland. Happy holidays. Festivists, festivals, and jingle bells, and Rudolph the Reddose fucking reindeer. What the hell is that?

It's me, it's George Michael, I call it from the United Kingdom for the holidays, Roland. What are you doing on... Are you drinking? Well, it's the bloody freaking holidays. I may be drinking all, and I mean, it's like if I'm not drinking on the holidays, it's like a cow and I've got manure.

in the field then, isn't it, Ireland? What kind of a comparison is that, George? It's boy, George. I'm not going to let you wreck my Christmas bowl and ask me by name. What the hell? It's been quite that holiday for me, Ireland. Why are you calling me?

Well, I got in a little bit of trouble down here in Merriot, London, eh? What do you mean you got in trouble? Well, you know, it's the top of you when you're decorating and whatnot. What did you say? Decorating? That's right. I was decorating, and I got arrested, Ireland. What do you mean you got? Nobody gets arrested for decorating. That's what I said to the bobby. When he put me in the friggin' end cops, eh?

I said, what's your problem, Scrooge? He... Spin it out. You don't like it when people decorate, eh, Bobby? Well, why? What was he doing in your house? Well, I wasn't in my house all, and I was doing my decorating right downtown, eh?

What do you mean you were decorating in the middle of Piccadilly Square? What do you mean you were decorating in the middle of Piccadilly Square? Well, you know, when I celebrate Christmas all and it's different here in the United Kingdom, it's not the same as the way it's done in the United States of America. What, did you just say? I said it's not. It's not the same as Christmas in the United, eh? Are you saying the United States of America?

Hello, Albert Einstein on line five for Rain Man, eh? Do not call me Rain Man. Oh, right, how about this thunderstorm clip? Thunderstorm, Clet. Yeah, that's Rain Man's older brother, and he's twice as... stupid, five times as fat and 90 times smelly. What the hell are you talking about, George? It's fine, George. I'm gonna fucking get Santa Claus sleigh.

I'm gonna fill it up with fucking cement. I'm gonna fucking lay you down on the fucking middle of the snow bay and fucking have Rudolph flicks and blacks and blocks and flux and fuckins Shitson and Dixen's fighting drag me fighting sleigh right across your fat fucking leprosy

covered face your fucking fucking key lime pine whore Key lime pine whore you heard me all it ah

what would you quit burping or whatever the hell you're doing into the See, this is why I don't like it when you call. You're drunk and you sound like a, you sound like a, you sound like a, a barn full of dead pigs. Yeah, he smelled like a fucking barn full of wild buffalo. They just ran up fucking Angelina Jolie's fucking skinny little buck crack, eh?

What do you want? I told you I need a little bit of help all and I got arrested, deteriorating and Piccadilly Cirque. I thought it was Piccadilly Square. Yeah, well give me another five minutes and it'll be Piccadilly Triangle, you fat fucking peg. Stop choking or whatever you're doing on my podcast. Well, I need help. What do you want me to do? I want you to come and get me because I got in trouble for decorate.

well how do you get in trouble for decorating for god's sakes that's what i want you know you know on the tip of the christmas tree you put a little star on the tip yes everybody puts a star on the tip of the christmas tree well i was in piccadilly circle and i put out a big fire electric star Okay. And I put it on the tip. Okay, so where's the crime? That's what everybody does. Well, let's just say my Christmas tree was pink at the bottom and purple at the top.

What do you mean? What did you say? I said me Christmas tree on it was pink at the bottom and purple at the top. Okay, so it was pink. Think at the bottom and purple at the tip. What kind of Christmas tree was it? Like a fake one? Well, let's just say the tip looked like a mushroom.

What do you mean the tip looked like a mushroom? It wasn't a very big Christmas tree, Ireland, but it was plump. Wait a minute. What are you saying? You put an electric star on the tip. That's right. The tip of the Christmas tree? Well, you know, the Christmas tree in me trousers, Holland.

What do you mean the Christmas tree in your trousers? Well, that's what my friends call it, the old Christmas tree, eh? Are you, wait a minute, are you telling me you were in the middle of Piccadilly Circle? Right. And you, did you pull down your pants? Well, if I wanted to get the Christmas tree out, I'd better... undo something, aye? You pulled down your pants

and pulled out your quote-unquote Christmas tree. That's what they call it all that. And, wait a, did you put the electric star when you say you put it on the tip? You keep going to see true. I think you get into

the end of this mystery, you dumb fuck. Did you put the Christmas tree star on the tip of your, your, your, Go ahead, say it, Arland. On the tip of your, you know what? No, that's not what it's called. Go ahead, say it.

On your... Come all you can do, it, Arland. Did you put the Christmas star on the tip of your penis, boy? That's right. They're right, dude. And that's the way I do it. That's the way I celebrate Christmas. I'm allowed to put me star on any tip I want.

You are one demented puppy, George. It's boy fucking George! You fucking tinsel eating, icicle sucking, snowball licking, fucking Santa's little helper fucking fucking fucking Chinese fucking egg roll fucking. What are you, you gotta put down the booze bottle? Are you, did you go to jail? Oh, yeah, went to jail. He charged me.

What they charge you with? Tipping. I was tipping too much. Have you ever heard of that? Someone, you're going to jail because they gave a generous tip. You're telling me you think you gave a generous tip. That's right. It tipping me Christmas tree.

George, you're... It's boy fucking George. I mean, it's George Michael. Now you're getting me confused. You're the one that's confused, you're drunk. Now, listen, even Jesus followed the star, you know, baby Jesus and the three wise men. Wait a minute, what did you just say? Three wise men.

Wait a minute, are you saying three wise men followed the star? Well, you know, in more cases, I don't really care if they're even wise. They can be stupid fucking men if they weren't, Arland. Wait a minute. Now, are you saying because in the Christmas Carol, the three Wiseman followed the star, and they went to the star? Yeah, how are you getting it, Nancy Drew?

So, did you put a star on the tip of your penis in hopes that you would attract three men? That's right, Arland. Everybody's got to have a little fun on the holidays, eh? Oh my God, that is sick. Well, everybody's got to get a Christmas jollies, eh, Ireland? Listen, everyone has their own little sexual preferences in life. I don't care if you like guys or girls or hermaphrodites. But there's a time and a place for sexual conduct.

and during the holidays, it's a family time. You don't go out in public and put a star on your tip, hoping that it attracts three wise men. Well, you should have seen them that actually rode up in Campbell, eh? What the hell are you talking about? There was some Aramean boys all in it.

I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it. Goodbye. You're ruining my Christmas like you always do, George. It's George fucking Michael, all right? I'm going to come over there. I'm going to whip up some fucking pancake batter. I'm going to smear it on your fucking face and then fucking get some brontosaurus feet from the museum

and put them on me legs and stomp up and down on your fucking face and make a fucking bronterthoris pancake on your face you fucking doobie smoker. Goodbye, George, Michael. Have a very merry Christmas. I hope you have fun in jail with your three wise man.

Oh, you can count on it, you stupid white honky. Go suck the exhaust pipe on Queen Elizabeth's fucking royal carriage. Yeah, wank and dildo fucking bobsled fuck. What the?

Good God. Roger. Oh, there go. There he goes. George Freaking Michael, ruining my... The guy puts a star on the tip of his you-know-what to try to attract three men. And it sounds like he did. Hang up. God. Idiot. Wait. Listen.

Do you hear that? Listen, the Christmas music Oh my gosh It's so It's so beautiful and joyful And full of love and harmony And togetherness and unity And

And sing it Fahoo Fahue I don't know the words It's Dr. Seuss Who knows what the whews sing You know they should have sing the who's in Whoville Should have like the Who, the rock band The Who That should be their like top Christmas carol like

Won't Get Fooled again by Roger Daltrey and Pete Town said You know That would be the ultimate place for the Who to give a concert Is in Whoville Oh my God That would sell out in an instant But let's reflect on this time of year, this Christmassy time of year, what it's all about. And it is about unity and love and togetherness and brotherhood and sisterhood and loving and caring about humanity.

You know, I think we almost need it more than ever in our lives. and you know I think social media has kind of become social madness in a way I think you'd all agree with me that social media was invented to bring us all together and help us communicate and I think in a lot of ways social media has exposed us to a lot of anger and a lot of angst in the world I think it's alienated a lot of people many of us at times probably feel alienated by social media instead of included

and inclusive due to social media and the reason I'm bringing it up just a couple of days ago I saw an item in the news the news feed on you know social media and it was this horrible video

of a Jewish an old Jewish man with a Yamika in New York city and a young Jewish woman, and they were riding the train, the subway in New York. And this vile woman, this black woman, it doesn't matter if she was black or white or whatever color she was, she was just a vile person, she just blatantly started right to their faces, for whatever reason, she had hatred in her heart, began berating. and slandering these people just because they were Jewish.

She was calling them smelly and dirty and scummy and right to their faces. And these poor beautiful people were just standing there in shock. And where this woman's hatred came from, I don't know. And what made it even more kind of ironic and sad is that it was coming from a black person, black people who have their own history in this country and in the world of injustices and being abused as a minority and whatnot. We know all of those injustices and all those horrible things. And so you have to assume that if you're born black, that you become very familiar quite quickly with the things that have gone down in history and you become sensitive to racism and prejudice and things like that, which sadly still exists.

I hope we're moving towards getting through all that, but, you know, sometimes you look at the world and you don't see it. you wonder if it's getting worse sometimes. And so it was sad to see these Jewish people being berated, but also being berated by someone who was a minority that had suffered their own load of abuse through the decades, you know? And so what I took away from that is I thought, you know, during this time of year, and maybe we can hold on to it throughout the year

and throughout our life, But it's a time when, you know, it seems like the world calms down a bit and this kind of sweet blanket or this fog kind of wraps itself around society, around Christmas time, where I think all people, for whatever reason, just it's in the air, you know, people let go of a lot of their angst and their anxiety and their competitiveness. and there's more of a feeling of brotherhood and love and togetherness in the air during the holidays I find. It's infectious somehow. And so going back to social media where, you know, I cited just one example

of, you know, kind of the ugly side of people. That wasn't the only thing. There's a lot of things on the Internet and out in the world that are hard to look at and hard to deal with and you get to see the ugly side of humanity and the ugly side of people and so maybe for Christmas as a present to yourself and a present to everyone else you just you know think about what you say look into your heart look into the world and just remember we all have to function in it together that whether you're black or Jewish or

white or Asian or Latino or Filipino or Buddhist or Christian or whatever you are. When you sit in a sad movie theater together, you all cry. You all cry at the same thing. If you step on a nail, you all bleed. If somebody throws a rock at you, you all hurt. We all feel the same inside. And when you isolate people, when you when you say mean things to them like that and you try to hurt them in a way you're hurting yourself you're hurting all of us and so maybe during christmas we can remember to to check ourselves you know to make sure that we're we're coming at each other from a place of love and understanding and compassion and togetherness.

And sometimes that takes a, you know, a moment to check at the door. Sometimes in this fast-paced world, this world where we want things immediately and we have people we disagree with and people cut us off in traffic and people butt in front of us in line and people say in new things that we don't agree with. Well, maybe we just get.

got to slow it down, dial it back a notch, and just go, okay, take a breath. Their anger, their angst is not my anger and angst. If they need to blow off, if they need to do that, let them do that. But let not me be that person, you know, try and try and be calm and collect and cool and caring of your fellow human beings that really deep inside, carry all the same emotions and feelings that you carry inside. So there you go. Just a little message from me to you.

And, you know, something to think about during the Christmas holidays. And speaking of family and Christmas and that feeling, you know, family is another thing we do at Christmas. We connect with our family, which is always nice. because throughout the year we might drift apart from our family or we might not have time for our family or we might live in different places than our family. And so that's why whenever I get a message from my Aunt Ruthie from Rochester, New York, it's just a pleasure.

She calls me every Christmas and leaves a nice little Christmassy message for me and it just reminds me of family, of my heritage, of the bond, of being a family. I think we all feel that way So, Raj, I know she left a message I think she left a message yesterday And let's get into it Let's hear Aunt Ruthie's

Christmas voicemail And I'm sure it'll put all of us In a very Christmassy mood Let it rip, Roger Hello Hello, hello Little Angel Hello, oh my God

It's an eventering machine I mean, I never know who the hell I'm talking to. I feel like I'm, you know, I mean, Star Wars and I'm talking to an electronic air conditioner or something for Christ's sake. I mean, good Lord, who understands all the technologies we have these days. I mean, you know, I'm sitting up here in Rochester, New York, you know, a small suburban town, you know, on the shores of Lake Ontario, Angel, and I'm sitting here, you know, looking out the window, watching the world go by. I see, you know, Star Wars, and I see, you know, C-3PO and R2D2 and all these, you know, mutant freaks. And I'm thinking, what planet am I on here? But anyhow, Angel, it's the holidays.

And your Aunt Ruthie and your Uncle Harry, of course, are thinking about you like we always do, Angel. And, oh, my goodness, I hope you get our Christmas card we send every year. This year, Uncle Harry took a made a snow angel out on the front lawn. on and took a picture of it and just ignore the yellow part right in the middle. I think Uncle Harry had a little accident when he was, you know, flapping in the snow with his flabby old arms. But, you know, sometimes he, you know, Harry loses control of his bladder, so it's a little bit of a yellow snow angel this year, Angel.

But listen, Angel, the reason I'm calling to is your uncle Harry and I got in a little bit of trouble in the neighborhood, you know, less sunda. We went to church over at St. Donovic's. And Father Perluse gave a wonderful sermon about giving and caring and sharing, just like he always does it, Christmas Angel. And he mentioned this wonderful charity where it's called Toys for Twarts. I don't know if you've heard about it, but he was talking about it up on the pulpit and saying it's, you know, it's that time of year where we pull our differences aside and we try to, you know, spread the love. love to people, no matter what this situation is. And, oh, my goodness, he brought up this charity called Toys for Twarts.

I don't know if you've heard for it, but I guess how it works is you take toys and you deliver them to twarts. And I thought to myself, you know, after the service, me and Harry were driving home, and I said, you know, the Jacobsons down at the end of the street have always been twats. You know, they've been huge trots for most of our lives. These are the ones that used to play the loud music and leave beer cans all up and down the street, you know. And then there's the car Michaels over four streets over on Quincy Crescent. You know, they've been some of the biggest twarts we've ever seen.

I mean, you know, Don Quincy always passes gas in church. And, you know, he stinks up the whole place. I mean, there's, you know, Father Perouse up there talking about, you know, Jesus in the manger. And all of a sudden, you know, Don Quincy, you know, lights up an egg. plant fart in the fourth aisle. And, you know, I mean, it's almost like Jesus slides right off the crucifix. I put them up at the altar there and runs out the front door

and fucking takes a deep breath of fucking air, for Christ's sake. I mean, I don't know what he's cooking with that eggplant, but oh, my God, it smells like the church just fell into a giraffe's anus, for Christ's sake. But anyhow, angels, so anyways, and there's a bunch of other twarts in the neighborhood. So Harry and I, on Father Perouse's advice, we either thought, you know, we'll put our differences aside, and we went to the store, and we bought all kinds of toys. We bought stuffed toys. We bought blocks for the kids. We brought little dollies.

We even bought one of those Teddy Ruckspins. Have you seen those? It's like a talking teddy bear. Oh, my God. It's almost like Satan's puppy, for Christ's sake. I mean, this thing's eyes move around, and his mouth goes up and down. looks like, you know, it looks like Phil is Diller on LSD

or something. It's just unbelievable. So, anyhow, Angel Pie, we bought all kinds of presents, and Harry and I, we walked through the neighborhoods, you know, we walked over to Quincy Drive, we went over to Dale Hurst, you know, who lives

on Dale Hurst, your little friend Tommy McPherson lived over there, the Irish family, you know, but no, I think this Scottish, actually, they got their hair's so rare they look like you know they look like the pubic hair around pippy long stocking's bikini line for Christ's sake I mean good Christ but they were some of the biggest twarts we ever knew I mean I remember those stupid people I mean they built a fence in front of the yard and they had that stupid dog with the three legs and the crooked eye I mean it looked like you where'd they buy this dog and retard pet cemetery or something I mean honey buns it was just crazy so anyways harry and i took all the toys and we walked through the snow

we trudged out in the snow and we started knocking on doors and of course you know people would answer the doors surprised to see us because you know i'm 85 and your uncle harry's i don't know 87 at 95 i've lost track he's so old oh my god the other day is psoriasus flake started falling off his head and some of the neighborhood kids stood underneath him and pretended it was a snowstorm. They were sticking the tongues out and catching psoriases flakes in the mouths

like they were catching snowflakes it was unbelievable and Harry shaking around like a go-go dancer at a 1960s perfect club and I'm like good God Harry you're going to drown the kids in your skin flakes what are they dust mites for Christ's sake

so anyway we show up at the doors and we're like You know, people, the Carmichols open the door. There's the whole family and the children. And then, you know, they see us stand in there and we're like, Merry Christmas, you twarts. And they're like, excuse us. And we said, Merry Christmas, your twarts.

Here's some toys. And we had the toys to the kids. And they were like, did you just call us twarts? And we said, yes, we did. It's toys for twats. And they slammed the door in our face for Christ's sake. Can you believe it? The Barbie doll got wedged between the door.

in the door frame and a stupid little head came off and one of the kids started screaming because now she's got a headless fucking, pardon my friend, Angel, she's got a headless bobby doll for God's sakes. And so we trudged on through. We were like, well, imagine the noise of those people. So we went down over to Quincy's house and once again, ding-dong, hello, the door swings open. There's the family, you know, they're celebrating. We're like, Merry Christmas, you twarts, and they're like, what the hell did you just say? Did you just call us twats? And we're like, yes, have

some toys, you stupid twats. And, you know, once again, they slammed the door of me, and Harry is saying, well, what's with these people? We're just trying to, you know, spread the joy of the holidays, for Christ's sake. I don't know what these people are drunk on eggnog, or smoking

head cheese, or something, for Christ's sake. So, this happened, you know, eight and nine, ten times, Angel, we knocked on all these doors. We found every twat we could find in the neighborhood, and we're like, you know, finally we got over to the Davidson's house, you know, they're the nice family. Well, not that nice. I mean, there's still twarts, of course, but they're the ones that backed a car up into the graveyard

that one summer. The stupid son was, you know, drunk on Budweiser and ran over the Carmichael's gravestone, for Christ's sake. But anyways, we finally made it over to the Davidson's, and they've got that, you know, they don't live in the best part of town, for Christ's sake. But we said, you know what, a twat's a twat, and we're going to give toys to twat. So we get to the Davidson's house and, you know, knock, knock, knock, ding, dong, ding, dong, and, you know, the door swings open, and one of them had his shirt off. Mr. Davidson was topless.

I mean, I don't know if you've ever seen man titty's, angel, but, oh, my God, I thought a Mac truck was coming out of the door at me. I mean, his breasts are like, you know, Chick-fil-A just had a, you know, a steroid festival. Oh, my God. I almost wanted to throw slices of cheese on those fat fucking lily pads with eyes. Oh, my God.

So there we are. Me and your uncle, there we were like, Merry Christmas, you twarts. And all of a sudden, like, excuse me, what are you talking about? It said, we've got toys for twas. And they said, it's not

toys for twat, you old bastards. It's toys for tarts. And I was, Me and Harry looked at each other. We were like, oh, my God, oh, my God. We thought it was... And we said, well, listen, we're sorry for the misunderstanding. And if you don't mind, we don't want to carry all these toys all the way back to our house.

And let's face it, you are a bunch of twarts. Would you mind taking the toys? And, of course, they slammed the door on our face. So what we did is we shook the bag of toys out all over the car. and we covered the car and the stupid toys for those stupid twarts and your uncle Harry and I went back home and uh you know we watched Bonanza because that's what Harry likes to watch I don't I'd rather watch you know

the nightmare of Christmas or uh you know the tink jingle all the way or whatever these stupid Christmas shows are called you know how white is my rice or whatever the fuck but anyways Angel I don't want to ramble on I mean, your Uncle Harry and I tried our best to be charitable and, you know, tried to spread Christmas joy at all the neighborhood twarts and, you know, what it is what it is. But we wanted to make sure that you got a Merry Christmas from us

and a Happy New Year, Angel Pie, okay? We hope you have a great one, and maybe we'll send you some of the toys and you can give them to the twarts in your neighborhood. Okay, Angel Cake, your Uncle Harry and I love you. Harry, do you want to say Merry Christmas to your nephew? Oh, my God, he's eating a cob of corn, and it's only four in the morning, for Christ's sake. He's like a, I don't know, sometimes I feel like just looking at him. I'm married to a scarecrow, for God's sake.

Anyways, we love you, Angel. Merry Christmas, happy holiday. We hope you have a great holiday. Merry Christmas, you little pumpkin pie. Goodbye, Angel. Harry, get that, get that carbicorne. No, you're getting nibblets all over the seats. Put it, get a plate, Harry.

Oh, there's nibblets in your underpants. Oh, my God, Harry! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wow. Okay, Aunt Ruthie, um, hello. Hello, it's Toys for Tots, not Toys for Toys. Watts. Oh my God. She is a mess. Well, nonetheless, right? It's like I said at the top. Part of Christmas is that reconnecting with family and loved ones and even friends, even acquaintances. I always try

to reach out every year to my family, my best friends, even like fringe friends. You know, those friends that are kind of their they're kind of acquaintance friends are not people you call up every day but there are people you interact with here and there or maybe they're a friend of a friend you know I try to I try to send out like an email

greeting card every year to people in my hemisphere and I don't know it's just a good feeling and that that's the beauty of this time of year like I said you get to you get to reconnect and

and spread the joy and the love. And that's kind of the whole thing behind this podcast here today. You know, like I, as you guys know, I signed off earlier this year. We did the last podcast, but it doesn't mean I don't think about y'all and all the fans out there and all the people who enjoyed the Harland Highway and my goofy comedy. And like I said, I had a few people send me some tweets. and some emails and some social media stuff

where they're like, please, do you think you can do a Christmas podcast? And I thought about it. I thought, you know what, that's a good way to give back. That's a fun little present to put out there for the world. And so here it is. This was it. And, you know, I thought I'd pull out some of my favorite nutty characters and wrap it into a Christmas theme.

And, you know, we didn't get to everyone like we normally do. We didn't get to Wally, Santa Claus's alf, and we didn't, I didn't do the Christmas parade, but we did have a lot of fun characters here today, and I hope you guys enjoyed it. And I think what I'll do is close it out. But before I do, I'll let you in on what's going on. In my professional world here, for those of you that are followers of my cartoon, The Puppy Dog Pals, we were picked up for a fourth season. Can you believe it?

I'm so excited. You know, when I created the show and we sold it and we got it up and running, you know, I hope for one season. And then I hope for two seasons. I always said to the people around me, I said, I have a sneaky feeling in my heart. We're going to get five seasons. but we're almost there we got our fourth so that's happening and then I've been putting a lot of energy because I'm not doing the podcast now but I've been putting a lot of energy into this new project

that I'm going to be unveiling soon and I will make an announcement here on my podcast channel about it but at this point I can give you the title it's a it's a show it's a visual show it's not a podcast show and it's called two guys in the their underpants, okay? So that should give you a little heads up about how ridiculous it is. But I'll let you know when that's up and available for you to see, but currently in production and doing a ton of work on it. And it is some nutty, nutty comedy. Trust me. It is out there. So I hope you look forward to two guys in their underpants coming your way very soon. And there you go.

So, you know, every year at Christmas, I always sing a Christmas carol to you guys. And the last few years, I've done the same one. And I like doing it because it's a fun one to sing. And you know what it is, walking in a winter wonderland. And just so, you know, every year I sing it fresh. Some of you might think, oh, he's just playing the one he did last year. But no, no, no, no, no. part of the fun for me is that I like singing this thing

and so every year I sing it anew okay a new it means new but I threw an A in front of it a new so this year I laid down a brand new track a brand new version of Winter Wonderland and I was pretty excited because you know I'm kind of picky and it's kind of hard to hear yourself sing

and so what it ends up happening is I usually end up doing like 10 or 15 takes until I get the right one or sometimes I even patch a few of the takes together until I get the right sound and this year magically for some reason like on my second take I did one from top to bottom that I was like you know what I like that one I think this one is worthy so that's the one I kept my second take of winter Winter Wonderland. We'll close out the podcast with me singing a carol to you. I hope you guys enjoyed the Christmas podcast.

Thank you for listening. And I want to wish you and your friends and your families a happy, healthy, wonderful, joyous holiday season. That includes Christmas and Hanukkah and Kwanza and whatever you celebrate. And also a very, very happy. Happy New Year. I hope the new year brings you all kinds of joy and health and happiness and love and all those good things. So, Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and let's end the show with a quick chicken chalmane baby and some winter wonderland from yours truly.

Here we go, Raj. Let's play it. me singing to the pavement pounders to all the lirtle gurgles and lady glagans. Merry Christmas, happy new year, and have yourself a winter wonderland. Slaveles ring, are you listening? In the late snow is glisting. A beautiful sight would happen a night walking in a winter wonder. Gone away is the bluebird.

Here to stay is the new bird. He sings a love song as we go along, walking in a winter wonderland. In the matter we can build a snowman and pretend that he is postural. He'll say, are you married? there it will say no man but you can do the job when you're a town later on will conspire as we dream by the fire to face unafraid the plan that we've made walking in a winter wonderland ah yes it's that time a year again good to be back on the microphone wishing all you folks out there in podcast landa happy happy very very joyful snowy christmas oh it's the best time of the year isn't it

in the land we can build a snowman and pretend that he's a circus clown we'll have lots of fun with mr snowman until the other kid he's knocked him down when it snows ain't a grilling Through your nose gets a chilling We'll frolic and play the Eskimo Way Walking in a Winter Wonderland Yeah To face an afraid the plans we made Walking in a winter wonderland

Merry Christmas everybody be a good one. Ah.