The Harland Highway - HARLAND HIGHWAY - FEBRUARY FUN TIME EPISODE

Episode Date: February 16, 2022

Canada and its truckers, Crazy News Story, a call form Corporal Tom Dowdy, Harland pissed off rant! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, welcome to the Harland Highway podcast, everybody. I am your hostess or host. I'm not a girl. Am I? Uh, Harland Williams here. And what a show we have for you today. Just thought I'd do a random podcast because I was in the mood. And, uh, oh my God, we have a crazy news story that involves puppies and flying meat.

Okay? That's coming up. Also, we're going to examine one of the pavement pounders called and asked about the Canadian National Anthem, so we're going to take that apart and talk about it. And then we're also going to talk about the big truck convoy going on up in Canada right now. And then we're going to bring in a military expert, Colonel Lieutenant Captain Tom Dowdy from the military, the U.S. military, and he's going to kind of break down the effectiveness of a convoy. and does a convoy have any military applications?

Also, I'm going to go on a rant about emojis. I'm kind of sick of all the emojis and the way we use them like crazy, so I'm going to get into that. And then at the end of the show, I'm going to tell you about two cool new websites I'm on. One, you can hire me to be part of your life, and another one you can buy some of my cool artwork.

So get ready. This is going to be a cool one. Put your face brace on. It's the Harland Highway. Put on your seatbelt. It's about to get bumpy. Oh, how perfectly awful. I get my kids above the waistline suction.

When will they take the bandages off? We don't know who we are. We don't know where we are. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Out of here! Please! Let me tell you, you're starting something here that

that's what you should be frightened of. Fuck yeah, bud. Just leave us alone. Sit down, strap in, and shut up. What's going on? What's the matter? I thought maybe if I could kill him, I could make him stop. My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

Who are we? This is the Harland Highway. What? It's the Harland Highway. It's a cookbook. Hi, everybody. It's me, Harland. How are you? Mmm. You sound delicious. Speaking of delicious, can I just get this off my chest right at the beginning of the show?

Something regarding food. We all need food. We all eat food. But there's something going on in the food world that's really pissing me off. and I'm going to vent it out right now so that I can chill out for the rest of the show and not be all amped up so let's do this let's get the pissed off out of me right now This is Harland Williams And you're really pissing me off

You're starting to piss me off You little pigless son bitch You pissed me off Shut up You're pissing me off These fucking assholes These fucking assholes The fuck is their problem, man

Yeah, I mean seriously What is the problem? Okay, here's the problem I cannot go to one more restaurant Okay, I cannot go to one more I don't care if it's fancy Or if it's unfancy or it's somewhere in between Queensie.

Oh, my God. If I read one more menu and I'm looking at a steak, whether it be a ribby or a T-bone or whatever the hell cut it is, and on the menu it says, delicious sirloin steak, grass-fed. DeLoe, oh, really, grass-fed? The cow, the bowl, whatever the hell. hell you, it was grass fed? It ate grass, really? Um, duh, lo, it's a cow. It's a bull. When you drive by a field and there's a 50, 60 cattle standing out in the field, are they sitting at a table with a white tablecloth eating shrimp and lobster and ravioli? No.

Are they slamming down a pizza slice? Are they snatching birds out of the air and eating live birds? No. Are they walking up to the trees and stripping the bark and chewing them down like beavers and eating the leaves like giraffes? No. Gee, what could the cows? What could the beef be eating? Let me think now.

Oh, right, grass. That's why they're out in a field. Endless, endless, endless, endless acres of fields Rolling hills as far as you can see. Are they burnt? No. Are they brown? No.

Are they sandy? No. Are they lush green covered with grass? Uh-huh. And are the cows doing yoga? No, are they doing Pilates? Are they doing cartwheels? Are they doing jumping jacks?

Are they laying on their back getting a tan in? No. They're standing on. all fours with their big fat neck's bent down and their giant heads at the end of their head is their big giant mouth and what are they doing

they're eating grass okay that's what cows eat freaking grass they're eating grass they're not being grass fed they're eating grass nobody's out there handing them blades and here's one for you

and here's a blade for you and here's a blade for you and oh love your spots here's a blade for you no this comes naturally to cows this is what they eat the same way a lion is wired to eat a zebra and a manatee is wired to eat sea grass and a fruit bats wired to eat fruit freaking cows get out there and they eat grass so why do you have to put it on the menu why are you stating the obvious this cut of meat is from a cow that was grass fed oh really well could i have the salmon that was uh water raised could i have the salmon that the drank water please and uh how about some rainbow trout some water raised rainbow trout and and how about some uh i don't know

How about some pheasant that breathed oxygen? Can I have some oxygen-fed chickens, please? And some oxygen-fed lamb and some pork? I mean, it's so freaking pretentious and annoying and what do they think? We're dumb? On today's menu, we have a grass-fed, Guernsey cow. Just delicious. Oh, you're just, you'll, and who cares of it's grass fed?

Is that what we're looking for? The taste of grass in our meat? Oh, this steak is so robust. And there's just a hint of bluegrass, uh, grass seed in it. You know, it's just, oh my goodness. Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. It's like when they say grass fed, that means they're not feeding them any chemicals and they're not feeding them any hormones and they're not feeding them any razor blades

and they're not feeding them tin cans. But come on, can we state the obvious here, please? Grass fed. So there you go. I just had to get that out of the way. It's just too annoying, freaking grass fed beef. I got it off my chest. I need to calm down. Maybe we should all go smoke some grass. And how about that? How about some grass smoked beef? How tender would that be? Some nice, you know, think about just before they went in the slaughterhouse.

Their muscles would be all relaxed. They're like, hey, man. Why does it smell like, you know, night of a thousand corpses in this building, dude? I don't know, but look at those light bulbs and those, what are those giant saw blades over there? man, this is fun. It's like a fun. It's like a fun. Yeah, how about some grass-smoked beef?

All right. I've ranted. I got it out. Oh, good. I think we can, I think we can move on. Beautiful. What we've got here is failure to communicate. Hello? Hello? So I guess I was hoping for some point. on how to sing O Canada, never had an urge until I heard about you, which was just a day.

I'm 44, and, you know, middle age isn't when you discover the most incredible things in your life normally. But, you know, anyway, so with research in O Canada, got some good lyrics, and, you know, I was hoping to get some tips. I'm not the best singer. anyway. We'll love your thoughts. I love any suggestions you have. And yeah, I'll talk to you soon. Thanks. First of all, 44 and never heard of moa. I mean, what kind of deprived life. I'm kidding. I am kidding. You know, it's funny when someone says that where they go, I've never heard of you, but the reality is they probably have heard of me. Because I've been,

been in, you know, such a multitude of popular movies that they've probably seen me either on a movie or on a late night talk show or heard me on the radio. Like, it's probably not logical that if you live in North America, you've never heard of me since I started my career like 35 years ago, where I've been constantly on TV shows and on movies and in the media and on radio. and blah, blah, blah. So what happened is she's probably, without knowing it, come across me somewhere. But now I guess she's finally zoned in on the kid. And thanks for the compliments, by the way.

My goodness, can I get you some grass-fed beef? But this is interesting because Canada is going through a bit of a moment right now. They're going through this whole trucker convoy thing where the truckers are kind of standing up for the people's rights when it comes to COVID and how far the government can push and how much the government can mandate. And obviously, as we all know, COVID's disrupting our lives, not only the disease, the virus, but it's uprooting our lives

in a million ways, socially, financially, I mean, spiritually, psychologically, it's just the buttons this whole thing is pushing on all of us has been pretty intense. And so, can we play the national anthem through this? I think we should, the Canadian National Anthem. Oh, yeah, right away. A Canadian, that's the drummer from Rush, Neil Purt, playing the drum. If you didn't know, Russia is a big Canadian band.

But let's play a bit of the anthem here so we can hear it. Oh, Canada, our home that native land. True patriot love in all thy sons command. With glowing hearts, we see thee rise, The true north strong and free. Dumb, da, dum, dum, dumb, dumb, the true north strong and free. I love that line.

The true north, strong and free. You know, it just, as a Canadian, and for those of you that don't know, I'm a Canadian, I am. I'm in a go to Southern accent, and my mama said life was like a box of chop. But, you know, that line, it always struck me as of being beautiful.

You know, I just, because Canada has tons of nature where the second largest country in the world next to Russia. And the vast majority of Canada is nature. It's trees and mountains and lakes. And so that line is so beautiful. I always picture just, you know, a mountain range and beautiful, tall pine trees.

And by the way, you asked me how you're supposed to do the Canadian anthem. As a Canadian, I don't know if I'm breaking any protocol here, some Canadian protocol, but I'm going to play the second half of the anthem in a second here. But if you want to prep for it, this is how we do it. You asked, and I'm going to tell you, so when we sing the Canadian anthem, we do like you do in America, we get up off our butt, we stand for the Canadian anthem. And many Americans put their hand over their heart or take their hat off or whatnot.

In Canada, as you heard, the True North strong and free, we want to be free. And so when we do our anthem, and you'll have to do this, my love, we stripped down completely naked. We take off all our clothes. We do not put our hand over our heart because we want everyone to see what we've got. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes.

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and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Canadian men want to see women's breasts and women want to see men's breasts because a lot of men in Canada are chubby. And sometimes their breasts are more voluptuous than the women. So it's a tit for tat. No pun intended.

So we like to look at each other's boobies, and we stand there naked, and we put syrup on our bodies. Maple syrup is very Canadian. We slather it on. You put it on like sunscreen. You pour it all over your shoulders and let it drip down through your cleavage, and you put it all over your chest and genitalia and your legs and ankles. And then lastly, we all have elk helmets. And if you don't know what an elk helmet is, you're obviously not Canadian. But we all have, they look like football helmets, but we have elk horns.

If you don't know what an elk is, it's a giant member of the deer family, second largest next to the moose. And we put these giant helmets on with these huge racks of antlers. Some of these antlers stack three, four feet high. They're just beautiful, pointed. And so, yeah, to do the Canadian National Anthem, get completely naked, stand up, cover your body in syrup. Can be Aunt Jemima or Mrs. Butterworths, but those are both American companies. So we recommend pure Canadian maple syrup if you want to be truly authentic about it. And then, you know, pick up an elk helmet on Amazon or eBay or wherever you want to get one.

and let it rip, man. Stand and sing it proud. And because I'm Canadian, we had to learn both versions of our anthem. So we had to learn it in English and French because Canada is a bilingual country thanks to Quebec, and I'm French-Canadian myself. So imagine having to learn the American national anthem

in French. Wouldn't that be interesting? So without further ado, let us play the second half of the anthem, and all my rambling is hopefully giving all of you time, all of you Americans, the Canadians are already doing this. They've already done it. This will give you time to disrobe, get some syrup. As I said, just because I threw this on you,

you can use American, Mrs. Butterworths, or Aunt Jemima, drizzle it all over your body, and get your elk helmet on. If you don't have one, just run outside and grab some branches from a tree and stick them in your ears. And here we go. We're going to play the second half of the Canadian National Anthem. And thank you for asking, and this is how you do it.

This is how you do, O Canada. From far and why, O Canada, we stand on guard for me. God, keep our land, God. Glorious and free. Oh, can't do we stand on God for me? Oh, can't always stand on God for me? Wow. So there you go. Beautiful. Just a wonderful song. And that's how you do it. That's how you do, the Canadian anthem. And since we're on the topic of Canada, you know, it's a timely thing right now where if you're not watching the news or you haven't

heard about this. The truckers across the country in Canada have kind of said enough is enough with all the COVID restrictions that the government's imposing. The Canadian government and Justin Trudeau is the prime minister of Canada. We don't have a president. We have a prime minister. Very fancy. I'm guessing they sit around in the palace and eat grass-fed beef. but apparently some truckers decided to start a convoy and roll their trucks up to the parliament buildings which is the equivalent of the Capitol building in the White House in the U.S.

It's where all the government is done in the capital of Canada, which is Ottawa, which is between the major cities of Toronto and Montreal, sort of on the eastern side of Canada. kind of up above Boston and New York and, you know, just north there. And they were dissatisfied with the on again and off again rules and restrictions of COVID and the ambiguity around COVID and people's lives being uprooted and starting and stopping. And, you know, people are just saying enough is enough.

And I got to say, I'm kind of proud of my Canadian brethren. for being the ones to kind of, you know, stand up and say, we're not going to take it anymore. To be honest, I live in the States now. This is something I kind of would have expected out of Americans. I'd almost think this would be something that American truck drivers would do. Like, say, screw this, man. You know, we're bringing goods across the country to everybody,

and they're hampering us, and they're shutting everything down, and this and that, and all these rules. restrictions and, you know, it's getting to the point where life's not even worth living almost. It's like nobody knows what to do or where to turn or it's just, you know what I'm talking about. It's a mess. Now, that being said, I'm not going to sit here and say there's no COVID or there's no virus. No, I'm not saying that, but I just think the way it's been handled has been so topsy-turvy that you have to sympathize with the frustration, not just of these truckers, but every citizen. Even people.

who are hardcore COVID people who believe everything they hear. And if there's 75 vaccinations, they want to get them. Even the people that are living and dying by the word of the CDC and the quote unquote officials, even you people have to be frustrated. And so these Canadian truckers have decided to take it upon themselves to make a stand. And in response, Justin Trudeau, who's a bit of a smarmy little guy. He's the son of a former Prime Minister, Pierre Elliott Trudeau, who was a very popular and controversial Prime Minister of Canada back in the 70s, I think maybe even the 60s, but for sure the 70s.

And he was one of the most outspoken and colorful prime ministers. I think he was one of the first public officials in history, the head of a country, to actually flip off the means. There's a famous photograph of him. If you go on Google and type in Pierre Elliott Trudeau flipping off the press, there's actually a picture of him that made the cover of Canadian newspapers where he's got the middle finger up right at the news media. And that was kind of unheard of when he did that.

So that kind of pushed him into this kind of stratosphere where he was considered kind of rebellious and edgy. and I have to say his son, from what I've seen, is anything. But this is a guy who's, to me, is a kind of an ass kisser, and he seems a little pussy whipped. And I hate to say, but this is the same guy during the Black Lives Matter protest and uprising. This is an elected leader of a country, a Democratic country, who was busted for at least three or four photographs of him wearing blackface. And he went on to release a statement saying there might be more and there probably are more.

And he just skated away, you know, free and clear, you know, because he's a liberal. And, you know, it seems to me the liberals seem to get more of a pass than the non-liberals, if we're being honest. And so this guy got caught wearing blackface. The photos exist. They were put out in the media. and he went on to win a second term. And I think he was even endorsed by Barack Obama, which is even more pathetic.

But I don't want to get into all that. It's just annoying and it's such a double standard. But what I'm going with this is these truckers are trying to make a statement. They're trying to make a change. They're trying to get dialogue going. They're trying to find answers. And in return, the prime minister went on national television. and called them narcissists and racists

and said that they were a small fringe of rebels and this kind of rhetoric. He's got the gall to call them racists and their truck drivers after he was busted with the whole blackface thing. I mean, guys, this is, and so what's happened is this inflamed the passions of Canadians because they saw through this and they were like,

wait a minute, these truckers are standing up for us. us and our elected leader is creating all this propaganda around them. And so now the citizens of Canada are getting out and marching, and more and more truck drivers are joining the convoy. And apparently from what I've heard, it's the biggest convoy in the history of the world at this point. And they're all rolling up on Ottawa to the Capitol buildings and the legislature, and they're making some noise, man.

and I think you've got to respect that when you're living in a free country the true north strong and free it's right there in our anthem strong and free why do we have an anthem if we can't get behind it you know what I mean and I don't think this prime minister's approach

is very healthy or compassionate I think he shouldn't be calling them racist and narcissist he should be saying hey, you guys are upset, I'm the leader of the country, I'm making the rules, let's sit down and talk, let's have some dialogue, let's maybe make some changes, you know, I hear you, I hear you loud and clear, you're basically driving a line of trucks across the second largest country in the world, and you can't ignore a statement that big, but he's doing that and it's very condescending and very demoralizing. And I think, thankfully, my smart, intelligent Canadian brothers and sisters are not going to take it regardless of their stance on COVID. It seems to me they're sticking up for these truck drivers. And this is beautiful to me.

This is the epitome of strong and free. You have to be able to stand strong and flex your muscle and protect your freedom. And it looks like that's what these guys are doing, and they shouldn't be chat. fastized for it and persecuted and labeled and demeaned, they should be, they should be part of the conversation. And I hate that freaking word. Why I'm even saying it, the conversation. They should be included and heard. And let's work it out. Let's do what we got to do. And, you know, if there's a deadly virus, then yes, there's a deadly virus, but there's other ways to deal with it. And, So that's where we're at.

But, you know, it's one thing for me to go on and on about it. But there is a guy that we have here down in the U.S., who's actually an expert in this type of stuff. You know, when it comes to amassing the troops, so to speak, and that's what these truck drivers have done. They've kind of amassed the troops of truck drivers, and they're kind of taking over and commandeering. and it's almost a military strategy.

And so we thought it would be really good to get a military expert on the show and get his opinion. And so we're going to bring, is he ready? Okay, good. We've got him on the line. He's down in Camp Pendlington, California. He's still an active member of the U.S. military. And he's been in all kinds of theaters of war from Afghanistan to Iran to Vietnam.

I mean, this guy runs the gamut. very schooled in military operations. And so we want to bring in lieutenant, senior corporal, Captain Sergeant-at-Arms, a lieutenant, and many other titles, Colonel Tom Dowdy. And he's going to talk to us about what's happening, about the strategy, the procedure of this giant to military-like convoy, and let's get the words and the voice from an expert.

Put them through right now, Raj. This will be fascinating. Hello, Commander, Lieutenant, Colonel Commander-at-Arms Chief Staff Sergeant Tom Dowdy. Are you there, sir? I am here. I am present, and you are a go, civilian. You are a go. Sorry, sir. You are a go. I don't like to repeat myself. I'll say it one more time, Zavilion. You are a go. Yes, sir, I am a go. Let's jump right into it. Now, I know you were listening on the other line.

We were talking about the convoy, the amassing of the trucks, heading towards the government buildings in Canada. And what you have to do in this world full of pansies, fairies, dipsets, chocolate-dipping freak farmers, and midnight merk oil liquors. What was that, sir, a midnight merk oil lickers? liquor? You heard me. I was very clear with what I said, civilian. Well, actually, sir.

What you have to do in this world full of candy strippers is you have to do something we need in the military called flexing a little muscle civilian. Uh, that, that's a perfect metaphor, sir. Flexing some muscle. And when you say that, you're talking about the collective assembly of these truck drivers banding together and well what you're doing is you're taking small pieces of a puzzle you put them all together you take small pieces and you place them side by side or in this case a long line that goes right across the country, and suddenly those small pieces all squished together, they become something real big, juicy, and hard civilian.

Yes, sir, I get it, and they did make that, that, that line across the country. It wasn't just a line civilian. It was a long line. Well, we get it, sir. It was a long line. I don't know that you have to drag it out. I'll do what I want, civilian. I'm the commander.

And when I say it's a long... Colonel Dowdy. Long line. I mean, it's long. Well, yes, sir. And do you think this is an effective strategy? I know we're kind of framing it in the military arena, but what are your thoughts on?

Of course, it's an effective strategy. When you've got a panty-waste government that wants to sit up on the hill and basically piss all over its subjects, well, it comes a time when you've got to rally the troops. And you got to paint a picture with orange peel juice and cinnamon clumps. Uh, sir, orange juice peels and cinnamon clumps? What I'm talking about civilian is you've got to create your own language.

If you want to get around the rhetoric and all the government protocol, you've got to start speaking your own language and thinking in your own mindset. You've got to detach yourself from the, let's say, the brainwashing mindset of the government. And you've got to start thinking in your own terms. And to do that, you've got to almost create your own language. I'm not sure I fully under it. I think I get it. You've got to kind of think outside the box.

You've got to create your own language. chocolate, pepper corn, sweet cocoa bean, nostril hair, wonder bread, potato legs. Sir? I'm giving you an example of creating your own language. Now, this may seem a little extreme, but it's what you've got to do. You've got to break the shackles of conventional communication. And in order to be effective, you've got to be a trucker. You've got to be on your CB radio, and you know the government's listening civilian.

So you've got to talk in your own language so they don't know what you're planning. That's basic military strategy, 579-0179er. Oscar Foxchot Whiskey Zero 4-2609 Could you say that again, sir? You go stuff your face and a jar of cranberry sauce And suck a can Sir? You go suck a can of paint right up your yellow ass full.

Sir, what are you? saying? I think you're taking this old coded language thing a step too far, for God's sakes. Well, if you've ever driven in an 18-wheeler, if you've ever steamed down the highway in the middle of the night with the stars overhead, shifting it into 16th gear, running over reindeer, running across the highway in the middle of the night, you might know what I'm talking about there. tinkerbell tits. Sir, I've never driven a truck. Well, these are truck drivers

we're talking about. And next to the military, truck drivers are the backbone of American society. First of all, you got the military. That's where I come from. We're the first line of defense.

We protect the country civilian. We stop the hostiles from coming through the front door. The screen door, the attic door, and your wife's underpaned drawer. Sir? But next in line are the dedicated truck drivers that travel across the spider web of roads and highways all over this country.

They deliver the food. They deliver the goods, and they keep the bloodline of this country moving like Donnie Osmond's forehead after he smashed it through the front window of a J.C. Penny Department store. Sir, are you talking in truck driver code right now or not? I'm not, and if you can't understand this basic language situation where that I'm worried for you, but if you want to hear truck drivers talking, let me give you an example. the train 18-wheeler Mack truck rolling down the highway. He's in the front of the massive convoy,

and behind him are Whitworths. We got all kinds of different freight liner trucks. We got the whites. We got the international harvesters. You name it. They're in the convoy. Here's an example. Yeah, listen up, Convoy.

I'm treading down the 590. We're going to do a back blizzard alligator drop right into the icicle storm. We're going to take a left whiskey at 17 macaroni. We're going to sea turtle around to the 492. We're going to power hunk a pancake with terriaki, corn on the cob, teradacto, prontosaurus beef. When we get to the interchange, we're going to wrap around the cabbage patch, and we're going to sniff chocolate onion buns until Donnie Osmond's eyes bleed Newman's own lemonade, 10-4.

Sir, I don't know that that... You're telling me that's how these truckers talk. It's sort of like some kind of code. That's right, Sevolian, and if you can't wrap your head around it, then why don't you go buy some Christmas wrapping over to your local target? wrap your head, put a bow on your forehead, and send your whole fucking head to fuck off boulevard. Sir, I don't think there's any need to get all using that kind of language.

Well, that's how truck drivers talk. These are rough and tumble guys. They don't sit around with knitting needles and make sweaters for your grandmother with the crippled crab legs. You know what they do? these guys get tattoos of their mother on one shoulder and a tattoo of a dead skunk on the other shoulder and if you look real close civilian that's right they'll have a tattoo of Donnie Osmond

right under their nutsack sir can we what is with the Donnie Osmond references I don't know that the I'm trying to tell you panty liner that these truck drivers are tough if they hit a moose and it's It's not dead. They'll step out of their 18-wheeler and roundhouse it and a fat fucking teeth until it's down for the count.

If they hit an old lady in a wheelchair and she rolls off into the forest, they'll turn their rig into the woods and chase her down like a cheetah chasing an epileptic gazelle running through the Kalahari tendergrass, you suck whole meat-eating potato salad fuck lip. Sir, this truck driver code stuff is getting a little weird, and it's getting almost, I feel like a bit of a personal attack. You called me, civilian. I didn't call you. You asked me about the truck drivers. You asked me about their strategy. And you asked me if we're going to get an effective result. Well, sir, then can we get to the cut to the chase and talk about the result of this type of giant convoy? Is it going to move the needle?

Is it going to change anything? You better believe it, because even the Prime Minister of Canada needs to reach down between his sweet butt cheeks and wipe his ass when he's finished dropping a brown trout into the toilet. Sir, please! And guess what? Guess who's delivering the toilet paper up to his little pretty mansion on the hill?

You got it, the truck drivers. Well, you make a point. It's a kind of a not very pretty pitch of your painting. It's never pretty when you're talking about confrontation with the government.

So my point is civilian. If the truck drivers don't drive, you don't wipe. Wait, what? You told me to cut to the chase and break it down. If truck drivers aren't moving goods, you don't wipe.

after you take a big giant shish kebab on a Saturday night. Sir, can you please just, you're saying, if I could sum this up here, you're saying that if truck drivers don't move the goods, then there's many kind of ordinary everyday functions that we take for granted that just shut down and basically, without truck drivers, the whole society could shut down. You nailed it on the head, almost as if you were building an orphanage out of sponge.

You drove a nail through the sponge. It went right through your hand, and blood squirted in your sister's fat, goofy eyes. Sir, what is... Have you been drinking, sir? Maybe I is, and maybe I ain't. And maybe those truck drivers deliver the... to the liquor store.

You know what I mean there, lemonade legs? Sir, I think you're confusing our listeners with all this truck driver code. I think we sort of get it. You're saying that the truck drivers are moving the needle, that they are the ones that keep the country running and moving and keep everything flowing, and that their convoy should work. They go. You just turned into an old lady with blue hair, a dirty diaper, and so many veins in her legs.

It looks like somebody blew up a piece of wig at a wig factory right down the street from Kenny G's house. Okay, sir, thank you so much. We appreciate your insights into this, and I'm going to be honest. I might be a little more confused than I was at the beginning. Well, then why don't you get a big tall glass, fill it up with a Rubik's cube, and drink it until your intestines grow a tapeworm that looks like Albert Einstein's god-sister, you creased up, jacked out, orangutang, licking, hairball, puffed out, fucking nard, fucking cheese.

Goodbye, sir. Oh, my God. That was just... What the hell was that? Well, hopefully, folks, you got some insight or something there, but, uh, what a piece of work. All right. The Harland Highway. Crazy news stories.

That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff. All right. I think we should end this show with a crazy news story. story. Not that it can get any crazier than Colonel Lieutenant Tom Dowdy, but

oh yeah, yie. Um, God. Let's, uh, let's end the show with a crazy news story. And here's the headline. Rescuers attach sausages to drones

to lure dog to safety in England. Okay, right away drones and sausages already this, this sounds delicious. Rescue workers to draw a runaway dog from a

dangerous mud flat in England lured the canine to safety by attaching sausage to a drone. The volunteer organization went to help when Millie, a Jack Russell Terrier, and Whippet Mix

slipped her collar while out on a walk in Hampshire, England, and ended up on the mudflats that are known to flood in high tide. I mean, this is kind of ingenious in a way. But also when you start hanging deli meats up in the sky, I mean, on a drone, people from miles around are going to see this. And in particular, I'm talking about fatties.

I mean, your heart might have been in the right place. to go rescue a dog, but, you know, first of all, you got sausage meats hanging up in the sky, and then you got propellers on the drone, so that's wafting the air, that's just pushing the scent of fresh sausage out into the sky, and it's traveling, and it's landing in the nostrils of people all across the countryside, and all of a sudden, you know, fatties that are watering their lawn, or they're sitting at a coffee table, or they're walking home from work, or they're driving a school bus.

All of a sudden, like, I'd say, what's that then? Does that anyone smell that? It's that fresh sausage, for Christ's sake. Good cry, where's that coming from? Right? So now your intention was to rescue a cute little puppy, and suddenly you got, you know, the walking dead.

Dead. You got a, you got a, you got Fatsos coming from all parts of the countryside. Zoning in on this hanging meat in the sky. Let's, let's finish the rest of the story here. Rescueers working with the local Coast Guard, firefighters and police were unable to reach Millie on foot or in kayaks. They determined the dog was spooked and would flee when she got a glimpse of her would-be saviors, but she's not going to be frightened by dangling meat floating through the sky? I mean, as much as dogs love meat, do they really understand a big pile of sausages

moving through the clouds? One of the guys said, as a last resort, why don't we try trying a sausage to a drone? And this was on day three. The dog had already been on the mud flat for two days. A neighbor who lives by the beach volunteered to cook the sausages and attached them to the team's drone with strings. So not only was it sausages, but they cooked it up. They got a friendly little neighbor to cook it up. The string was tied around the body of the drone and around the sausages to make a dangle for about six to nine feet.

it was very hard to gauge how close you were to the ground but it worked somehow people were walking by and didn't know what was going on it was hilarious well yeah what do you do when you're walking down the street

and all of a sudden like a big pile of cooked sausages goes by I'd probably be like I like the sausages put out an omelet please because somebody fly in an omelet I usually don't like me sausages without a fresh omelette and how about some white toast too please

and could get an apple juice One of the people said the drone lifted sausages were successful in drawing Millie's attention He said she was very hungry and got her owed of it at one point It almost took the drone with her She got about half a sausage So it sounds like this dog jumped up and bit bit into the sausage. Wow.

This is actually pretty smart. Millie was successfully lured off the mudflats but continued to flee from rescues until her owner was able to corner her at an industrial estate. Or how about more like she was startled when a stampede of 700 fat people came charging towards her as she was nibbling on the delicious sausage. I mean, this has got to be the dog's minds. Oh, look at these people, aren't they nice, eh? Here I was, that on the mudflats.

I was terrified. I was trapped. I didn't know what way to turn. And these resourceful kind people, they put some weaners in the air, eh? They hung some weaners in the sky, and I smelled them, and I seen them. and they lured me out the mudflats

and when got out the other side of the mud flat I started to eat the little weaners and oh my god what hell's that why's the ground rumbling look who are these people coming over the bleeding ill oh my god look at all that flubber it's like a pot of fucking whales coming at me I'm getting the hell out of here

you can have the weaners you hate to take the sausage oh my god I'm going to get trampled maybe they're going to eat me as well oh my god so it looks like it worked and then at the end of it they said i think all of us cried i was so thankful that milly made it home i mean the way the community came together saved milly so there you go and it turns out a veterinarian examined milly and turns out she was uninjured following her mudflats adventure well, uninjured physically, but mentally.

I mean, that dog is not going to sleep well at night. You know, laying in bed all cozy next to the fire and in Millie's little dog brain. It's like, oh, look at the lovely sausage. Like, it's coming down from the heavens. It's like God himself is jotting down some weaners for, oh my God, what's that? Is that Rosie O'Donnell coming over the hill? Oh my God, Ron!

Run, Millie. Run, run, run with your little whippet legs. Oh, my God, run! Hey, aye, aye. So there you go. A rescued dog saved by someone attaching sausages to a drone. I mean, if you think about it, that's pretty smart. I mean, if you wives are listening and you think your husband's out cheating

and you kind of know where he is. Just men love the food, man. Like if his favorite dish is like lasagna or pork chops or something, just fly the drone right by the mistress's house. I mean, your husband will come charging out the door with no clothes on. He'll follow that meatloaf all the way back home to your house, and you can be waiting for him there with a wooden stick and beat him. So there you go. A little drone ingenuity here in the 21st century, saving lives with freshly cooked sausage.

Hello? Hello? How I just got down watching Rocket Man for the 700 time. I just want to call and tell you how much I love you. If you're ever coming through Fort Wayne, Indiana, please let me know. I will reserve first-class tickets. My name is Paul Stockton. Thank you and have a great evening.

Thank you so much for everything you've done. Me and my family, love the movie, Rocket Man. Have a super happy great day. Goodbye. Wow, Paul Stockton. What a nice, nice message. My goodness. Oh, man.

You know, that's the beauty of doing movies and TV and all the stuff. you put out there into the world, you hope that you affect people and you bring them a little happiness and a little joy. And Paul Stockton sure sounds like I've been able to supply him and his family with some healthy portions of happiness and fun and laughter. So that's amazing. What a beautiful voice message. And yes, I don't know if I have a gig up in Indiana at the moment, Paul, but go on my website, harlandwilliams.com, and you can check my stand-up comedy schedule for this year and see if I'm coming to your town and city. The schedule is starting

to fill up, so make sure you check it out. I'm moving around the country through Texas, and I'll be in Arlington, and I'll be in San Diego, I'm going to be in Florida, I'm moving all over the place. So take a look. And when you get to harlomwilliams.com, and this is pretty cool, for those of you that do love my movies, there's a new digital platform that I'm on. It's called Cameo.com, C-A-M-E-O, Camio.com. And if you go to my website, Harlan-Wiliams.com, you can read all about it right on the homepage. And what Cameo.com is, it's a digital platform. It's an app. get on your phone, or you can look at it on your laptop, either way, and you can search for

celebrities. And if you find a celebrity you like, if it happens to be me, you can, for a fee, hire us, basically, to shoot a customized video for you or a friend or a loved one. and basically you just kind of write what you would like me to talk about or say. I don't sing happy birthday, so don't ask for that. But I can talk about Rocket Man or I can talk about any of my movie roles or I can do some of my famous quotes or lines from any of my movies from Dumb and Dumber or something about Mary or half-baked or down Periscope

or superstar or sorority boys or you name it, Rocket Man. And yeah, I can leave you a personalized video message where I actually say your name and I talk directly to you or I talk directly at the person you want me to talk to. Let's say you have a friend that loved me and something about Mary and wanted me to do the, you know, quote the seven-minute abs routine or something. Then I would direct the video at them. And most of the videos are about two to three minutes long. And it's real easy to use, cameo.com, and you just type in what you want and when you want it. And then if I'm available, I get to work and I film a little video for you. And I got to tell you, it's a lot of fun.

I actually did it for my cousin at Christmas. We have this one celebrity that we love some of his movies and we're always quoting lines from his movies. And I thought, you know what? why don't I surprise my cousin and have this actor, like say my cousin's name and do some of the lines. And I even got them to say some of me and my cousin's own personal inside lines that we do with each other. You know, I think every family or friend that you have, you have your own kind of lingo and you have your own little catchphrases and stuff. And this actor did them. And to hear them coming from this actor who knew nothing about them, it just killed us.

We were like overjoyed with the result of the cameo thing. And it's actually what inspired me to want to go on it because I said to my cousin, I said, if this guy's bringing me and you so much laughter and joy with his little two, three minute video, I thought maybe I can supply that to fans of mine. And if I can, I should be on this thing. So if you want yours truly to do a little custom video for you,

Just go to cameo.com and, you know, submit a request for me to do it. And it's a lot of fun, and I'll make it as personal and customize it as much as I can for you. And there you go. And also, I'm going to mention something else while I'm on here. This is something brand new as well. I've started a new website over the years I've told you guys that I draw my own t-shirts. As you know, most of you know, I'm an artist, and what I've been doing over the years periodically, I get sharpies, colored sharpies, and I get a brand new white t-shirts,

and I draw right on the t-shirts. And over the years, I've sold them in my web store here and there. I probably do five or six or ten a year. But lately, they've been coming so in demand, people want them so much that I thought, you know what, I'm going to start a website just for these hand-drawn t-shirts. So the website's called Harbling.com. My name's Harland, and it's my Bling. So it's Harbling, H-A-R-B-L-I-N-G,

Harbleng.com. And if you go to Harbling.com, you can see all the different, beautiful, colorful, hand-drawn shirts that I've done. and you can buy an original shirt, which are sort of expensive because basically you're buying an original art piece. But what's great about Harbling is now for the first time

we're offering prints. So if there's any shirt you see that you like and it's sold out, you can order for much cheaper. You can order a print of the shirt, and we can put the print on a t-shirt or a hoodie or a coffee mug or a drinking glass or a backpack or a phone case or a pillow slip, it's really cool the stuff we can do. So it's harbling.com, and I call it wearable art.

And sort of the reason behind it is I wanted to supply people like you, just everyday people, with an option to the brands and the trademarks we all seem to buy. We all seem to buy the Nike and the Tommy Hilfiger and the Prada and the Adidas and everything's a brand name. and so I thought, man, maybe I can offer something that's really original. How cool would it be to be able to walk into a party or walk down the street or go to work and have a T-shirt with an image on it that nobody's ever seen before? And you own the original or if you want, you can wear a print. But at the very least, you're wearing something that's not just the everyday same old stuff.

It's called wearable art. And even on the drawings that I do, I put my signature on it, just like an artist would on a painting. And so you can wear around a really cool Harland piece of artwork. And maybe it'll inspire you or inspire your friends or whatever. But it's something I wanted to offer up to the world. And so check that out. A couple of cool new things. Camio.com and Harbling.

and get in there and order your stuff today and have some fun, man, enjoy. Express yourself. And I think we'll leave it right there. I just want to say thank you for everyone listening. And maybe I'll drop a little hint here. Keep your eyes on the Harland Highway. That's all I'm going to say. It's all I'm going to say for now.

but just keep your eyes on the Harland Highway and I'll elaborate more as the days come along but there's a little teaser hint for you and hey thank you for being here hope you had some laughs watch out for truck drivers on the street watch out for flying sausages in the sky and just watch out in general

hope you had a good time and until next time everybody. Chicken. Chalmayne, baby. Chocolate, peppercorn, sweet cocoa bean, nostril hair, wonder bread, potato legs.