The Harland Highway - Harland Highway Podcast - May 2021 - Aunt Ruthie, Samuel E. Quoke, and more!

Episode Date: May 2, 2021

Aunt Ruthie goes through Covid Vaccine hell. Samuel E Quoke reads summer romance letters. Harland's new website and more. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's Brittany, bitch. No, it's Harlan Beasch, and this is the Harland Highway podcast. We're just doing a special one for fun, you know, into spring, into summer, little summer spring blowout. And speaking of summer spring, it's a very romantic time of year. There's a lot of love in the air, and so our flowery, poetic writing guy, Samuel E. Quowke, who I find a little morbid, to be honest, be coming on the show later to read some of his romantic musings on the show. I don't like them, but maybe you'll get something out of it that stirs your heart. I don't know.

Also, I'm going to be doing a pissed off rant about a sport, something that goes on in a sport that rubs me the wrong way. Also, have you had your vaccination? Oh, my God, Aunt Ruthie, my Aunt Ruthie from Rochester, New York left me a voicemail about Uncle Harry getting his vaccination, and it did not go well. Oh, my God. So creepy and spooky.

Also going to be talking about COVID and vaccinations in general. And then towards the end of the show, I'm going to tell you about a weird COVID-related website that I created where you can actually go and buy some merchandise. It's very weird, but let's get into it, shall we? This is the Harland. Highway! Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper.

Come on. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. That means that every woman in this village who is capable of childbirth is going to have a baby. You shit kicking, stinky horseman or smelling motherfucker, you. Tell me his name! You must tell me his name! This is Harlan William. Harland Williams.

Oh. Well, my mistake. Guess I'll be on my way then. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. What have you done to it? What have you done to its eyes? All of you.

All of you freaks. Heavens to Murgatroyd. Whether you're wearing a pullover or a cardigan, it's the Harland Highway. I have to hang up now. I see you And I just want to dance with you Hello Hello

Hello, Angel, are you there At your Aunt Ruthie calling from Rochester, New York For Christ's sake, are you there, Angel Pops? Hello? Oh, Christ, they can never tell if he's answering machines run or if I'm talking to a telephone. Hello, Angel Popps. Hello? Oh, my God.

It's your Aunt Ruthie calling from Rochester. I just wanted to, you know, give you a shout. I'm concerned about, you know, the COVID, everything that's going on with the COVID testing and all this stuff, Angel Popps. Oh, my God. It's been a nightmare over here in Washington. Chester, just be careful. You know, your uncle Harry, oh, my God, it's been a nightmare, angel, let me tell you. I won't, I'll try not to take up too much of your answering machine, but oh, my God.

Your uncle Harry had to go and get the vaccine from the Pfizer. Have you heard of this? They got the Pfizer vaccine, and I don't even know how you spell it. It's like, you know, if you're Dixlesic kid, you might as well, you know, stuff your face underwater and let a outboard motor slap you in. the gums. I mean, who knows how to spell Pfizer, for Christ's sake, Angel Pops. It's like P-F-V-I-E-R. Like somebody, you know, swallowed the alphabet and, you know, had lactose intolerant bowels and, you know, farted it out and it blew all over a wall. And, you know, it looks like a

Chinese alphabet, for Christ's sake. So anyways, you know, they got the Johnson and Johnson, and I'm like, well, wait a second. Don't Johnson and Johnson make baby shampoo and floor wax and oven cleaner for Christ's sake and now the now suddenly you know the people that make fucking baby shampoo are fighting a lethal virus all over the whole world

I mean you know I got Johnson and Johnson baby shampoo no more tears and now I got Johnson and Johnson you know COVID injection no more death for Christ sake I mean what's going on angel pops but anyways you know I sent your uncle

Harry out because you know the old bad He's up over in his 80s now, Angel, and I sent him out to go and get the Pfizer. So he goes to, oh, my God, he goes over to the Walgreens down at the corner. You know the one by the bus stop, right across from the Dairy Queen over here in Rochester. And your uncle, Harry, I sent him to go get the Pfizer. And so he goes, and oh, my God, Angel pops. About two hours later, I look out the window. Oh, my, I can barely talk about.

about it. My heart gets racing. Let me catch my breath, Angel Skins. And there he is. He's coming down the street. He comes around the corner of the Shepard Boulevard, right down onto our street, on the Maple Grove. And here comes Harry down the street. I mean, this old guy's 87 years old. He walks slower than a tortoise that has a, you know, a bag of Frito's corn chip stuck up its ass. And here comes uncle Harry bouncing down the street like he just got out of the high school prom and I'm like what the hell is going on with Harry for Christ's sake he's damn well skipping down the street he's got a grin on his face like a pumpkin that just fell out of fucking heaven there's something little angel pops and I'm going what the hell is he got in his hands there it looks like he's good what is he

pole vaulting or something he's got this big long stick it looks like a pink pole vault and I'm like what the hell is Harry doing? He's skipping down the street. I could swear he was whistling, Angel. He was happy as a clam with a, you know, a bucket full of mongoose farts all over his face, for Christ's sake. And I'm like, what is he doing? He's heading right for the house.

It looks like he's got a pink pogo stick. And I'm like, oh, my God. I know what that is. Oh, my God. I recognize that. I don't even know if I want to say it, Angel, but your uncle Harry. He had the biggest, oh, my God, erection I've ever seen in my life.

He's running down the street with an erection. He hits the front door. It splinters open like Bruce Lee himself kicked the goddamn door and wood splinters everywhere. And I'm standing there in the hallway with my mouth open screaming, like, you know, having a home invasion by one of those pink dolphins from the Amazon River, for Christ's sake. And Harry comes busting in. And he says, he goes, he goes, Ruthie, lift up your dress, the plane is coming in for a landing.

And I haven't heard that talk since we watched Emmanuel goes to the moon back in 1974. This was Harry's idea of having a night of erotica, but I'm not going to go into it, Angel Popped. And before I could protest, before I could even throw my arthritic fingers in the air, your uncle Harry backed me into the kitchen angel. and he took me right there on the living room on the kitchen floor oh right on the tile

oh it was so cold on my back and oh my God you know I hate to say this angel I hope I'm not embarrassing you but your uncle Harry and I haven't been intimate or made love

you know it's probably been about 35 40 years for crying out loud and Harry's on top of me with his happy pogo stick and I'm like what the hell's going on Harry And he's like, you told me to go and get the Pfizer.

And I said, yes. And he goes, well, I took two of them. And I go, what are you talking about? You took two vaccinations? He goes, no, I took two of the blue pills. And I go, what blue pills, Harry? And he says, the Fisors. And I go, what the hell are you talking about?

He goes, the Fisars, you know, the Viagras. Pfizer makes the Viagras. And I'm like, wait, what the hell? No, I told you to go and get the FISA. The COVID injection, Harry? Are you telling me you could... Pfizer, I said, the same people that make Viagras, for Christ's sake, give them the injections.

Are you telling me you took two... You swallowed two Fyagras from Pfizer? And Harry just, he can barely get the grin off his face. He looked like he just, you know, won the lottery in the poorest part of town, for Christ's sake. I mean, good Christ. And he's like, get on the kitchen floor, Ruthie. Daddy wants to ride. And I'm like, oh, my God.

And like I said, Angel, before I could even put my arthritic fingers in the air and splay them apart to stop them, suddenly I'm on my back on the kitchen floor. I think I feel some crust from an old piece of bread in the arch of my back for crying out loud. And Harry's just, he's got the pink torpedo ready to go. And I said, Harry, are you seeing you? want to do this. He says, oh, yeah, baby. Make like Batman and open up the bat cave. And I'm like Christ, Harry, no one's been in here for 40 years. And, of course, he just says, let's go. And, you know, all of a sudden, my, you know what, starts to open. And for Christ's sake, oh, my God, I swear to

God, Angel, it's like Dracula's coffin opening in the middle of the night. I mean, there's cobwebs and dust and the creaking noises. I mean, this thing hasn't seen action. Vietnam for Christ's sake and it's like you know and I'm like oh my God what are those sounds

and Harry says who cares get the maple syrup it's harvest season and Uncle Harry's riding up and I mean he puts it in there faster than a badger

running away from a grizzly bear down his whole angel oh my God he's humping up and down like have you ever seen these whales that get lost on the beaches angel and the flapping up and down like an upside-down

cheeseburger at a Greek restaurant? Oh my God, your uncle Harry's huffing and puffing and I guess he reactivated his halitosis and his mouth smells

like a bunch of nuns took a dump in a trailer somewhere for Christ's sake and he's breathing in my ear and he's going, oh, Ruthie, oh, Ruthie, and I'm feeling this thing. I feel like I, you know,

sat on a bicycle and they forgot to put the seat on the goddamn thing, And he's just puffing away and pounding away and he's knocking stuff off the counter. Suddenly I've got salad tongs in the crack of my ass. Your uncle Harry's got a cheese grater in his underwear. I mean, oh my God, but I've got to say, Angel, it was kind of exciting. But your uncle Harry got the wrong fucking Pfizer.

Can you believe it? And then, of course, you know, Harry's all chicks and giggles for the lovemaking. And all of a sudden, you know, Uncle Harry releases the crack. as they say and oh my god it was like watching a dump chuck run over a lemon in the middle of the street i mean it was oh it was just squishy and all over the place angel and you're poor aunt ruthy i mean i think i pop some vericose veins and my eyes got all bloodshot and your uncle harry he was foaming and you it's like coo joe was on top of me did you ever see that movie angel coo joe that wonderful Stephen King, he does those horror novels.

He's probably worked with them down in your Hollywood. Oh, my God, Uncle Harry's, you know, he's on top of me like a St. Bernard that's been making love to a poisonous jellyfish, for Christ's sake. He's foaming, and his fucking eyes are watering, and I swear there's mustard coming out of his fucking teeth. I mean, oh, my God, Angel, but somehow in the middle of it, I actually liked it. I don't know. It's been so long.

When was the last time you made it? love, Angel. I shouldn't ask that. That's probably too poisonous. But anyways, Angel, I don't want to belabor you with all my problems, but your Uncle Harry finally caught his breath. We put a bag of shaved ice in his underpants, and his penis got so cold. It looks like an inverted clamshell from the bottom of the Mississippi River, for Christ's sake. I could have swore. I saw some crayfish crawling out of his underpants the other day. But anyways, Angel, I'll All I'm saying is be careful when you go and get your Pfizer. When you go and get your COVID Pfizer, you get the right Pfizer, okay?

Don't get the, don't get the Viagra Fisors, get the inoculation Pfizer. Okay, Angel, I'm sorry I took up so much. Ruth, he loves you so much. I'm just looking out for your health, little pumpkin pop, okay? Give us a call when you get your vaccination. I wouldn't want you to spit it. all in the phone and get me and Harry infected. Harry, did you want to say hi to Angel Pop?

He's still in a fucking sex coma. Did you hear him? He's drooling like as if Forrest Gump's been sucking on a trailer hitch covered with fucking mayonnaise or something for grace sake. Anyhow, Angel, we love you. Give us a call up here in Rochester. Be safe. Make sure you get your vaccination, okay? We love you, Angel.

Say goodbye. Oh, my God. He sounds like a mountain goat just fell down the side of Mount St. Helens and landed on a fucking Chinese peppercorn factory or something. Oh, my God. Goodbye, Aunt Ruthie loves you. Goodbye. Mary! Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Aunt Ruthie from Racha. I knew it was just a matter of time before she. She left me a message because, you know, the old people are the first to get the vaccines. And she did it. And I guess, you know, give it to Uncle Harry to get the whole Pfizer thing confused. And instead of getting the Pfizer vaccine, he got the Pfizer Viagras. Way to go, Harry.

But it sounds like they kind of had fun opening. Dracula's coffin. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to

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Y'all listening, you pavement pounders. you, um, done it. Um, I'm, I'm of the trepidacious school of thought. And you might think I'm a moron and an idiot and is and a stupid and a dummy. But, um, yeah, I'm, I'm kind of, uh, approaching this with, with a lot of caution. You know, whenever there's a pandemic or there's, there's some kind of conflict with it comes of a lot of what we call euphoria. A lot of, uh, a lot of, uh, craziness. Like remember when they first announced there was COVID and suddenly that there was no water and there was no toilet paper and there was no like all this meaningless stuff. People got euphoric. They got all crazy and went on a rampage and they they kind of barreled forward. They

started doing things without thinking them through or forecasting as we say. And so I'm not one of these conspiracy theory guys that sits here and goes, oh, the COVID thing doesn't exist. What a hoax. No, I think it's real. I think I think it's affected the whole world. It's, sadly, it's killed people. And I believe it's out there. But I also believe, and God, don't get mad at me if you've already had the vaccine, but I also believe, you know, sometimes you can rush into things, man. And how many of you remember, like, being the first one to get the, uh, the iPhone or the new version of the iPhone or the new, the new MacBook Pro or the new, uh, you know, Microsoft office or

the new, uh, Toyota Corolla or whatever it is. It's new. It's, it's untested. Well, it's tested, but it's, let's just say all the bugs aren't worked out. And that's, that's where I. I'm a little trepidacious about the vaccine at this point. You know, I've survived so far being careful doing the mask and the hand washing and the social distancing.

And I think what has me a little nervous is, you know, in older times, and I'm talking like, you know, the last few decades, it seems to me when something kind of fatal happened. It took years and years and years, sometimes decades or half a decade to find a cure or even a partial cure. You know, like they haven't found a complete cure for AIDS. We don't even have a cure for the common cold. And so, yes, I'm one of these people that's cautiously standing back. And I'm not sitting here going, you guys are the guinea pigs. You, you've volunteered yourself to get the vaccine. So you made yourself the guinea pigs.

And I'm hoping it's fine. I want it to be fine. But I'm just a little, I'm a little, you know, kind of one of those guys that's as a little more caution. I'm watching to see. And as fate would have it, you know, there's already been a few little red flags. It's not lethal.

People aren't dropping dead on the street. But, you know, there's been a few little snafews, the blood clot thing. And then I saw some article. And again, I don't know if any of this stuff's legitimate or not, but I saw another article where someone was saying there were some indications that the Pfizer vaccine could trigger Alzheimer's. And I mean, look, you could say anything. You could say, oh, the vaccines will turn you into a zebra.

And that's the point. It's like, you know what, I'm going to remain being cautious for the next little while. And when I kind of see this thing play out a little more and I feel secure about it, I will consider getting the vaccine. So I'm sure there's other like-minded people listening right now who are in the same school of thought. And there's people that are listening going, are you an idiot, man? Just get the damn. Are you crazy?

Screw your stupid theories. Stop talking. Stop talking and start injecting, dummy. You know? And then there's probably some other people that are, maybe you're already injected and you're listening to this and going, oh, wait a minute. Did I do this too quickly?

Did I, whoops? Was I caught up in the euphoria? Uh-oh. But here's the thing, gang. I don't have the answers. And I guess maybe that's my point. I'm not sure that anyone has the answers. This whole COVID thing has been a big,

hasn't it been like a series of bloops, blunders, and bleeps? Remember Dick Clark used to have that show on TV back in the 80s and 90s called Dick Clark's bloops, bleeps, and blunders? And it was about all the bloopers that people did on movie sets and on TV shows. And I feel like maybe we're still in the bloops, bleeps and blunders phase of this. So I don't know. I don't have the answers.

But I know for me personally, I'm just, I'm chilling for a bit. I'm watching. And I don't want to have happen to me what happened to Uncle Harry. And there you go. That's my little update on the vaccine. And if there's no more podcasts after this, it's because I'm probably died from COVID, and I should have got the damn vaccine. What an idiot.

I love, love the material. Names Keegan. Every time I'm in a bad mood, I put on some of your shit, and I let it play, and it just brightens my day. So thank you for all the last. I'll see you perform one day, and keep the laughs rolling, because you're going on going partner. Talk to you later.

Bye-bye. Hello? Hello? Hey, Harlan. How's it going, Daddy, yo? I'm just, I'm finding out right now that you have a podcast. I didn't know. I saw you on Bobby Lee's podcast, and I was trying to buy Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face on DVD, and I came across this number. I just want to let you know that I love you a lot, and I saw last night for the first time the clip of you on Conan. singing when you wish upon a star and blew me away um you're you're a brilliant comedic mind i got a lot of respect for you and uh and uh carmel corn the pug kick him in the kibble was an absolute thrill ride uh hope to see you in concert once all this garbage coli that nankin is done And, uh, I got nothing else.

See around King, King Shipman. The partner. Hello? Hello. You fucking asshole. Okay. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Thanks for the compliments everybody, especially that last one. You fucking asshole. And yes, I think the, uh, the COVID thing, things seem to be opening up a little and for those of you that do want to see me live I haven't done shows in over a year almost a year and a half

without doing a full show and I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little bit nervous a little intimidated but also a little bit excited to get out on that tightrope wire and see what happens I'm telling you I've forgot a lot of of my act, my material, which is great because I'm working on new material.

And since last March, I think I've done three shows outdoors here in Los Angeles. They've got these little outdoor venues where they can't put very many people, like 50 people, maybe 60 on a good night. And I'm outside and I've done three or four nights of that working on new stuff. and then I got to jump right in in San Diego on May 13th, 14th, and 15th. I'll be at the American Comedy Co in San Diego, great club, intimate club, and I'm looking forward to it. So you might get a chance to see me in a very vulnerable state,

a little like a little flummoxed due to not being on stage. But maybe I'll be better than ever. I don't know. That's what I mean when I say it's kind of exciting. I'm not afraid of doing poorly, but I'm also excited I might do really great. But either way, we're going to have a blast. So if you're around and as some of you said in your messages, you'd love to see me live and you're in the San Diego area, the American.

American Comedy Co, Thursday through Saturday, May 13th to the 15th. And as far as the other mentioned by one of the callers about my movie, Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face, which I talked about on Bobby Lee's podcast, Tiger Belly. Gosh, you know, ever since I talked about that movie on Tiger Belly with Bobby Lee, because Bobby Lee's in the movie. He was so gracious enough to come and be in my movie that I wrote and directed. We still have copies of Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face on DVD, and it's pretty much, I call it the dumbest movie ever made,

but it's got a lot of great comedians, and it's very silly and twisted and weird. If you like that kind of stuff, you can still buy it at my website, harlandwilms.com, on DVD. and we'll ship it out to you, man. I think it's only like 12 bucks or something ridiculous. So get them while they last.

They've been selling pretty damn good lately. And I'm surprised because I didn't think anyone still had a DVD player, but people are snapping them up and so on and so forth. So go to Harland Williams.com and order Fudgy-Wudgey Fudge Face and it'll get mailed out to you. You fucking asshole. Okay. What else is going on?

Wait, he's here? Okay, send them in, I guess. Yeah, okay, folks, it looks like, you know, we're right at the kind of the, the middle of the, the middle of spring, maybe the end of spring, summer's almost upon us, and I don't know, Roger, do we really want this guy? All right, send him in. We got this guy, he's a, he writes romantic letters and poetry, and he fancies himself, and a romanticist, I guess, if that's even a word, and he, he writes these flowery love

letters, and, I don't know, Roger. I find him almost the opposite of romantic. I find the guy's a little creepy. All right, send him in. Here he comes. Hello, it's Samuel E. Kwok, the writer. Hello, Samuel. Hello, how are you today, sir?

Well, if I'm being honest, yes. I was doing pretty good, but with you here, I'm not so sure. I'm not here to be insulted, sir. I'm not insulting. I'm just, I'm making a statement that you're this flowery, poetic, romantic writer. That is correct, sir. But I find your prose or your writings or whatever the hell they are always seem to take a macabre turn where they're anything but romantic.

Well, that is subject to one's personal point of view, isn't it, sir? Yes, it is, and I'm telling you, in the past, I have yet to feel all lovy-dovey hearing your writings. I often feel queasy and disturbed. Well, I'm afraid I can't be responsible if you don't have romance in your heart, sir. Listen, Qualk, I don't want to get in a fight about it, but then do you think I could get on with my reading, please? Well, okay, you don't have to be snappy. I'm not being snappy. I just feel you're using up my valuable time

where I could be reading my writings. Oh, well, excuse me, Quoak. Thank you very much. May I begin, please? Oh, excuse me, yeah, go ahead. Take over my podcast. Well, that's why I'm here, isn't it? All right, go ahead.

Thank you very much. Could I have some music? please. Thank you. Dearest Matilda, it was the peak of summer and I and you ventured out to the Sierra Nevada mountain range and encountered the high desert

a dry, arid place with vistas and views that stretched on to eternity. I'll never forget your light brown eyes spark in the sun, the blue skies reflecting in your glassy irises so full of life, your long brown hair, twitching ever so lightly in the hot summer desert breeze, birds singing in the background, little crickets chirping in the very sparse brush that scattered the desert landscape.

And as we walked along hand in hand, your son, some address brushing the cacti as we moved through the desert. Something moved by your feet. At first I thought perhaps a butterfly or a moth. But then somehow it lunged at you, your open ankle where your sandals lie, suddenly attacked by what's known as the Gila monster or the Gila lizard. One of the only known poisonous lizards on the entire planet. sunk its tiny little fangs into your fleshy ankle.

I remember how you squealed and grabbed my hand, your childlike voice yelling and squealing, the pain shivering up the length of your body, your fingernails digging into my hand as the poison ebbed and flowed through your circulatory system. Wait, oh, see, right there, Quoak, excuse me. No, no excuse me. I'm trying to read

No you're not Listen quote I am trying to read sir No look what you did there You started off You paint this picture Oh a beautiful desert You're walking with who?

Matilda sir With Matilda Flowers and cactus And suddenly one of the only Poisonous lizards on the planet Bites are in the ankle May I continue with the Romance, sir.

Oh, romance. Okay, yeah. Oh, please, go ahead. My heart's just beating a million miles a minute. Thank you very much, sir. As we continued traversing the picturesque desert landscape, Matilda, your leg became swollen and you found it more and more difficult to walk. But yet, your girl, youthful energy, powered through, and you tried to put

pain in the back of your mind as the poison from the gilla lizard pulsed through your circulatory system and the pain throbbed in your swollen ankle. But before long as we wandered down the trail in the romantic summer breeze, your leg had swollen up the size of a giant redwood tree, your veins sticking out like long strands of spaghetti dripping down the wall. of an Italian restaurant. Your legs swollen like a bagpipe that had too much air in it,

an airplane tire that was overinflated. Your skin marbled and disgusting. Your veins pulsing and pus bloc. Okay, stop. Excuse me, sir. No, excuse you.

What are you talking about? Her leg puffed up like an airplane tire. I use description because I am a writer, sir. You, who, what kind of writer? What are you, Stephen King? How dare you, sir? Compare me to that amateur. I write romance, sir.

Well, this is about as romantic as roadkill. May I continue, sir? Oh, please, I can't wait. I can't wait. What are you guys fall in love and you propose to her by the end of the story? Do you mind, sir? Go ahead, qualk! As your legs started to drag behind,

it was like watching a water buffalo, dragging its unborn calf as it hung out of the uterus by the umbilical cord. Just a massive blob of pink meat scraping along the desert ground. And just when we thought, you wouldn't be able to make any more movements. A scorpion came out from behind the cactus. eye. Its barbed tail up in the air, poised to strike. Your eyes looking into its beady little eyes,

its cram claws snapping at the air. And before you can scream, the scorpion stabbed your giant inflated, pus-filled leg, poking it with its needle-like claw on the tip of its abdomen. Suddenly your leg popped like a balloon at a child's birthday party, yellow and green pus flying through the air like confetti in a wedding for a couple of Down syndrome children. Oh, Matilda. What, what the wow?

Excuse me, sir. No, no. You know what? This is bad enough that you're, this grotesque story and now you're throwing in Down syndrome children's weddings? Are you denying that Down syndrome children can't be married, sir?

No, I'm not. Well, then is it unfair for me to mention them? No. And is marriage not a romantic notion, sir? Yes, it is. So would you have me denied Down's children the ability to get married and engage in romance? You know what? Now you're turning it around on me, Quoke.

May I continue, sir? Oh, please continue. What, the pus-filled leg explosion? Explodes all over the desert. Do you mind if I tell the story, sir? Go ahead, qualk, sicko. As the pus blew across the desert landscape, Matilda, giant pus ants came out of the ground,

surrounding your legs, swarming it, eating it like hungry hyenas at a buffet in the African Kalahari. Finally, as the sun began to set and the sky began, came purple, we dragged you to the tent and we settled in for the night. You looked at me with those innocent eyes and your beautiful porcelain skin on your face, despite the obvious pain you soldiered on, Matilda. You asked if we could start a campfire and sit by it and I could cradle you in my arms and give you comfort and release from the pain in your swollen, rotten leg. And as we sat there, the sparks flew up into the sky like a million midnight milkyways.

You stared at the enchanting fire when all of a sudden a log exploded from the heat. And the sparks flew up into your eyes. I could hear your cornea's sizzle in the night. Hold on! Do you mind, sir? So now she's got a swollen leg that's been eaten by hyenas. I did not say that, sir. And sparks from the fire

go into her corneas and start cooking them. May I finish my romantic story, sir? You are stepping all over it. Oh, God, Quout, you need to be institutionalized. May I... Go ahead, Quout! Although you could not see Matilda, all your other senses were fire.

on all cylinders. We were hungry from our long, romantic walk through the desert and your legs seeping blood and pus making you weak. You asked me if we could make some food, and I suggested a campfire favorite. What could be more romantic than two lovers roasting marshmallows on a fire? We put marshmallows on a stick. You held your marshmallows over the open flame,

but your eyes were sizzled shut from the sparks. You didn't realize your marshmallow was on fire. The flames crept up your stick and reed up your arm. They burst onto your long, flowing dress, and rade up into your hair. Soon your long, Auburn hair was flaming in the night like a bush, flaming on the mountain where Moses found the Ten Commandments. It is as if Jesus himself was burning on your feet. fat head. Would you knock it off? So now you're bringing the Bible into it, huh? Quoak?

I am reading, sir. You... Finish up. I've had enough. I am almost complete my romantic story, sir. Romantic? Oh, thank you, Edgar Allan Poe. How dare you, sir? May I finish? Hurry up and get it done. Sicko. Your head was burnt and sick. You looked like you were made out of clay or porcelain burnt in a house fire. We put you in the tent, but then the winds picked up, and the flap started blowing all around. The tent blowing violently. The spikes holding the tent together came loose and rained down on your bald, burnt, singed head. The spikes from the tent embedding into your scalp.

You wandered out of the tent, flailing in the night with some. spikes in your burnt third degree burnt bald head that looked like bubblegum stuck to a desk and a cheap boarding school in Cincinnati, Ohio. Oh, Matilda. Oh, stop. Done. Get out. You're completely done. As the sun rose in the morning, Matilda, we wandered outside and you couldn't see your feel. Stop! You wandered towards the edge of a cliff and fell off the side into the boiling white water rapids for far below, your body crashing into rocks and boulders, your ribs splitting out of your sides like a fancy restaurant on Beverly Boulevard. You're stuck, get out! I'm not done to get out, wowk!

You are sick! Your body being washed away like rotten seaweed down the river! Get out! Don't know Comey Baby Me Yeah Mm-hmm Yeah

Give me Give me Give me Give me Give me give me Yeah Oh

Yeah M Oh You know Yeah M Give you more Good Lord. That was so creepy.

I don't think I can give you more. Samuel Lee Quake just put me in a weird pissed-off mood, man. Don't piss me off. This is Harland Williams. You're really pissing me off. You're starting to piss me off, you little pigly some bitch. You. pissed me off.

Shut up. You're pissing me off. These fucking assholes, this fuck... These fucking assholes! The fuck is their problem, man! Oh God. Oh God. Why'd you have to get me all pissed off, Samuel E. Quouk?

Huh? Uh, you ever find little weird, stupid things pissing? you off. This little rant I'm about to do is there's no reason I should be pissed off. And you're probably going to be like, what's with this guy? Why is he wired so tight? Well, here's what it is.

It's, you know, I don't know if you're tennis fans or not, but I like tennis. I like to play tennis. And lately I've been getting into watching it more, you know. and you know tennis is good but there's this thing that happens when when um the opponent is waiting for the other player to serve okay when they're standing there on the other side of the net waiting for their opponent to serve to them the male and the female tennis players what they start to do they start to like dance around like that they jump around on their feet like You ever seen people jogging on the spot, right?

When they're at a street light, when you're out driving and you see someone jogging and they get a red light. And instead of just standing there waiting for the light to change, they keep jogging, right? And I know why. They want to keep their heartbeat going and their blood flowing and their metabolism and all that stuff. But when they do it in tennis, you know, well, they're waiting for the other opponent to serve. They stand there and they do this little hop. It looks like they're standing on hot sand on a beach.

And they do a little hot sand dance and they do a little jog on the spot. And I'm just like, would you knock it off? It drives me nuts. It's like, what are you stepping on ants or something? Look, I play tennis. Like, you should be conserving energy, not burning more energy. You need every calorie and every ounce of. energy you got. So doing these little dances

doesn't help. Okay? Doing these little dances just it annoys me. It looks stupid. I don't think it helps you. I don't think it how does you doing a little tribal tennis dance help you prepare for what's coming for the serve? why don't you just stand there

get in position and wait for the serve I don't know what it is there's something about it the physicality of it the way it looks the way they move I don't know why isn't it dumb why should I be pissed off at that but I am

I'm just so all you tennis players stop it now I'm like a headmaster at a boarding school stand still don't move so there you go just enough of the little dancing the little jumping up and down just take your serve

like a man or a woman and let me watch tennis without watching you shake your booty thing okay so there I gave you a little more you wanted a little more I gave you a little more but I think we're at the end of the podcast now I don't want to go out angry

I don't want to go out mad at tennis players So let's end on this We were talking earlier about me doing stand-up comedy Getting back into it And let me give you the dates For some of my upcoming gigs For those of you that, as you said in some of your voicemails You wanted to see me live

If you're in San Diego Man, I'm getting lit up If you're in San Diego, May 13th, 14th, and 15th, I will be at the American Comedy Co in San Diego. Beautiful City, great club, great comedy fans down there. And as I said, it's going to be my very first show back since COVID started. So it's going to be my first extended show where I do more than 10 minutes in an outdoor parking lot somewhere. I think it'll be my fifth time doing live stand-up in a year, over a year, maybe a year and a half.

And it'll be my first time doing anything over like 15, 20 minutes long. So it's a little scary. You might get to see me bomb, but I'll do my best. And then going into June, if you're in Oklahoma, I've never played this club. It's the Brick City Comedy Club. It's in Oklahoma, and that's June 3, 4, and 5. I think it's called the Brick City Comedy Club, 3, 4, and 5 of June. And then in July, I'm going to be up in Wisconsin, 15th, 16th, and 17th.

I don't even have the names of the clubs. I've got to get those, but then later in there I'm going to be in Spokane and Rochester and Tacoma. So I got a few gigs, you know, just to just, towards the end of the year, I'm getting back out there, man. So stay tuned. And I hope you enjoyed this podcast. You know, I'm not doing the podcast on a regular basis, but every now and then I just get that itch.

I want to have a little fun. I want to pull back some of the old characters into the mix. I want to talk about things. And so this is a little fun, and I hope you guys enjoy it. Hope it brings you some laughs Or scares you to death Samuel E. Quouk The creepiest guy ever

And Yeah Check out Fudgy Wudge Face If you want to order the movie It's on DVD It's very silly But it's a lot of fun It's very unique

And very indie And it's at harlandwilliams.com You can order it from our store And, uh, yeah. And you know what? I'm going to throw out one last little surprise. This is something new I've never mentioned to anybody. If you go to a website called sex sells fashion.com.

Okay, this is the first I've ever told anybody about it. And as you can see, it's an afterthought, okay? It's the weirdest story. Um, let me tell you about it real quick. During COVID, I had a friend who was despondent and depressed and couldn't get work and didn't know what to do with herself and was going crazy. And I really cared about this person. And so without telling her, I thought, well, what is this girl like?

I know she went to cosmetology school and she loves fashion and makeup and eyelers and nails and hair and clothing. And I thought, you know what, I'm going to just for fun, I'll start a clothing company. I'll think of a cool name, and I always, you always hear that term sex sells, right? Have you heard that term sex sells? And I thought to myself, well, I'm going to see if sex sells. So I got the domain name, and I created a site called a, I put together a fashion line, sunglasses and cool baseball hats and cool T-shirts and all kinds of fun stuff.

and I created a fashion line and a website called sex sells fashion.com. And I've been sitting on it for a year because I offered it to this friend. I said, look, you love this stuff. I made this for you. You take it. You can have all the profits. If you sell a shirt or a hat or whatever, you keep it. For the first few years, you just make some money.

And then if it takes off, I'll come in and I'll take all. I'll join in on the profits. So I really did it as a labor of love for this person, and this person totally ignored it. They didn't want anything to do with it. I said it's yours. All you have to do is put it out on the Internet and advertise it, you know, put pictures up of the merchandise,

direct people to sex sells fashion.com. And I'll be damned. I talked to her about it three times and said, hey, remember that I made you a website. for you so you can make money and have something to do and it's stuff you love and nothing. So now it's my, you know, now it's just, you know, it always was mine, but I was handing it off to her. And now it's just there.

There's a store. You can go there and buy sex sells merchandise. I'm telling you, it's really fun stuff. I kind of created it through the point of view of a girl who likes fashion. I'm not a fashion guy. So I kind of went into the headspace of, you know, what would someone who's in fashion like? What would be some catchy logos? What would be some catchy?

So check it out. You might even see something on there you want to order and we'll ship it out to you. Sexsells fashion.com. You'll be the first people to ever go to the website. Nobody even knows about it. So it's a real silly, funny venture that I started and I tried to help somebody and failed. so now I'm stuck with a clothing line. Aye, aye, y, the world is weird, man.

So check it out. And if you want, you can leave me a message on harlemawilms.com. We have a phone number where you can leave me a voicemail and tell me what you think of sexels fashion.com. Tell me if you like the products. Tell me if you like the way they look. Tell me if you're interested in buying something. I don't know.

It's a lot of fun. It's just, it's a fun name and it's a fun kind of vibe I'm trying to get out there with it. So sex sells, let's see if it does or it doesn't. And that's it. We'll close on that, okay? Everybody be safe. I think the world's kind of getting back to normal a little more. I don't know.

It seems like two steps forward, one step back type of thing. But let's see what happens. So in the meantime, stay safe. Be smart. and smile, laugh. Hopefully this podcast gave you a few chuckles and things to think about and have a groovy summer.

Maybe we'll drop some more podcasts along the way as the days go by. But until then, all the best and chicken chau-mein, baby. You fucking asshole.