The Harland Highway - Harland Highway VIRUS SPECIAL. Ya gotta laugh during times of fear!

Episode Date: March 18, 2020

This VIRUS special podcast is to help you have a laugh during these scary and stressful times. Laughter is the best VIRUS medicine. ENJOY! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Hey, Harland. I just wanted to call and say hi. I miss the podcast, and I mean, I really wish the podcast is still on, because like in the way the things are going now, I mean, we could all use a little laughter in there, and it's kind of hard to find it anywhere, man.

Not any good podcasts that I can see besides yours, but anyways I miss you buddy and you have a good one all if everything is good all right take care okay thank you go thank you go thank you thank you for everything is there anybody out there Is there anybody out there? Is there anybody out there? Is there anybody out there? Anybody out there?

You bet your hairy purple baboon ass cheeks. There's somebody out here. And it's me. Ha ha ha ha. It's your little buddy. Harland, Zachary Williams, and Zachary is not my middle name, okay? Oh yes, gurgles-nurgens and blurgl-nurgens.

what is going on wow is there anybody out there is there going to be anybody out there I've had people leaving messages saying they're getting scared and there's nothing to laugh at anymore and they want me to do another podcast and I hear your voices as we all sink into the chasm of desperation, chaos, and mayhem. I'll be here to reach up my hand and pull you back up. Or am I on borrowed time, too? Well, whatever it is, gurgle-nargs and blargle gags. I don't think we can let a virus like this go by.

without having a few laughs to keep us sane. So you asked for it, pavement pounders. You got it. Here I am, back from the grave, Harlan Williams, a very special Harland Highway virus edition, just to keep your head screwed on and keep a smile on your face, a little joy in your heart, and take your mind off all this madness.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's do this. Let's get our hazmat suits on. Let's get our face masks and our rubber gloves and give ourselves an enema. This is the very special virus edition of the Harlan Highway. What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about words? Son, you got a panty on your head.

Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard.

That is fantastic. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams.

You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. So here we are. We meet once again. The end of days. It takes us straight down the Harland Highway. And there I stand at the dead end side.

My arms outstretched. waiting for you, promising to take you to sanctuary, to guide you through the darkness away from all the madness, from all the horror, from the mobs rampaging in the streets. I take you to a place where there's laughing, giggling and chuckling, and joy and sunlight, and people crying through tears of joy. They've come to the Holland Highway for salvation to get away from the chaos, the destruction, The end of days. And so, and so you have arrived.

And I shall take you there. Take my hand. And here we go. How about that? How about a little drama there for the beginning of the show, huh? Pavement Pounders? Look out, Sally. Wow, it's a little weird out there right now, isn't it?

It's a little weird. I want to thank you for your phone calls, the gentleman at the beginning of the show. I think an East Coaster from Canada, maybe, I'm guessing, and some Twitter suggestions and requests that I get my ass on the microphone and do a virus, save us from the virus podcast, which was something I was thinking of doing anyways, because, you know, I don't know what it is within me, but like I've been watching all the news footage and hearing all the,

doomsday stuff and you know people are scared and nervous and panicky and i guess there's just something in me it's either nurturing or it's instinct or whatever but i'm just like let's have some laughs so today we'll have some laughs we'll talk about this thing we'll try and get you calm down we're going to have some people calling in that maybe can put this in perspective and, you know, I think we'll all get through it, gang. I think we'll all get through it, you know. We'll do it. But we do, you know, you got to have laughter along the way.

There's always, in tragedy, there's always laughter. And we're not doing it to mock anyone or make fun of anyone who's sick. But as a whole, as humans, we need to find. some lightness in the darkness and we have to we have to kind of giggle our way through this stuff as as kind of counterintuitive as that may seem but it's good therapy it's good for the heart the soul the mind and so here we are gathered around the campfire

of doom telling jokes so how have you guys been handling this have you been have you been hoarding? Have you been hiding? Have you been hunkering down? I was in Florida when this whole thing broke out. And I was on vacation and I had to attend a wedding down there. And I was staying in kind of this remote little place by the ocean, kind of off the beaten track where I was fishing and a little bit removed from the general population. but I made a determination to come home back to Los Angeles because, you know, that's where all my stuff is

and that's where all my work stuff is and that's where my home is. And I thought, you know, I might as well be around my friends and my home and things that I know that I'm familiar with when the crap hits the fan, man. So I'm here. and one of the things I did, you know, is getting reports from all my buddies back here.

They're like, oh, my God, it's crazy here, and the supermarkets are empty, and there's no food on the shelves, and, oh, my God. You know, I think sometimes people tend to over-panic in these situations, too. And so I factored that in, but I also thought, well, do I want to land back in L.A. and immediately have to go to the grocery store, because I've been away so I don't have any grocery. and do I want to, do I want to, do I want to fight the lines? Do I want to get there and there's no food to choose from?

And it was interesting because going to the airport, I had a rental car in Florida and I had to drive through several little Floridian towns on the way. And I thought, you know, I only have a carry-on bag. I never checked luggage because I find it annoying, but I thought, instead of landing in Los Angeles and dealing with what might be there, I still didn't know how crazy it was. I thought, why don't I be proactive?

And what I'll do is I'll stop at a Walmart in one of these little towns where there's no people. And I'll go in and I'll buy a great big suitcase for like $65. I think I spent $70 on this great big hard shell suitcase at Walmart. and Walmart not only has produce, but they have groceries too. So I did everything at once, and I got this big suitcase, and then I went to the food section, and I got all these, like, there was no one there. There was just business as usual at the little town.

They're like, what? I don't hire. What, virus? Isn't that the name of Teddy's son? Is that Virus Jackson down there by the old? Bridge. So I filled up my food cart with about $100 worth of non-perishables, some canned stuff, boxes of granola bars.

Cornell has these little things. They look like little food trays, and they're sealed. And they're these little meals. They got like Thanksgiving dinners and beef stroganoff and Irish stew. And you can put them in the microwave for one minute. and you just peel the lid back and you've got a fully cooked meal, like meat, gravy, beef, chicken, noodles, whatever they stuff into this sodium milkshake. Yeah, so you know there's a lot of salt when they're sealing Thanksgiving dinner

in a plastic food dish. Yeah, you know there's probably enough salt in there to salt, some salt, whatever that means. So I got a whole bunch of this stuff. I went out to my rental car, threw the suitcase open, filled it up with all these groceries, rolled it up to the airport, which was empty,

took it to the counter. I said, yeah, put this on the plane and the cargo and I'll pick it up in L.A. So I got my carry-on bag with me with all my essentials, my keys and my laptop and all that. and then I had all the stuff, all this food. It feels so weird.

I've never done anything like this in my life, but I like to be prepared. So I get this big suitcase of food. They put it on the conveyor belt. Off it goes into the fuselage of the jet, in the underbelly of the jet. I land in L.A. I go to luggage, which I never do.

Like I travel all over the world. I never go to a luggage rack or a luggage. baggage claim thing. I didn't even know how to do it, really. I was asking them, where do I go? What do I do? Like, I always just carry a carry-on suitcase, always. And so I get down to the baggage claim,

and after about a 10-minute wait, clunk, there's my big, fat suitcase full of food. I had my car parked right at the airport, so I just rolled it across the street from the baggage. Claim, got my car with my giant hard shell squander of food. And I rolled it home, and now I got my pantries full of horrible salt, sodium-rich meals. And I'm like, if this thing doesn't turn into a walking dead, I'm going to have so much

crap in my pantry cupboard. but you know what, that's okay. It's better to be, it's better to have stuff and things go wrong than to not have stuff and things go wrong. So I'm set. I got about three months worth of stuff. And the reason I say three months is because I'm one of these guys that plans ahead. Okay?

I plan ahead for this kind of chaos. And years ago, I bought one of those survival boxes of food. You see them advertised on TV. late at night. It's like you get a big cardboard box and it's full of, I think I might have talked about this on some previous podcasts. It's filled with like powdered food, emergency food supplies. So in this box, I think I have three months worth of powdered food with all the nutrients in it. You just add water. And I'm sure it doesn't taste all that great, but it would be sustenance. It would keep you alive. So I've had that hidden on a shelf somewhere in my house

for years, just in anticipation of riots or fires or floods or blackouts or something like this. So that married with my giant Walmart suitcase full of food, I'm good to go, man. I'm ready to I can probably last up here for like, I don't know, three, four months without having to go grocery shopping. And then I have a yard that is just filled. I mean, I live up in the hills, and every night I see raccoons and skunks and deers and coyotes and possums and squirrels. And there's a lot of fresh meat running around on my property, okay? So when I run out of the Thanksgiving Salt Lover's Delight dinner from my local grocery store, Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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I'm going to sit me down to a nice Thanksgiving raccoon. Hell, I'll eat a skunk if I have to. What you're going to do is cut its butthole out, and it should taste okay. I mean, a deer? I can get myself a deer. People eat squirrel. I'm not opposed to barbecuing a coyote. Look, if I got to live and we're in virus world,

I'm gonna, I'm gonna eat, man. Okay? And I got a pool full of water. Oh, what's a little chlorine gonna do? Maybe it'll purify the meat I'm gonna eat when I hunt in my backyard. How weird is it hunting in your own backyard? As I snuck around the picnic table,

I tiptoed through the sandbox, past the swing set, over to the fire pit. around the barbecue, and there it was, a wild coyote. I mean, what kind of hunting ground is that? I snuck up onto the lawn chairs, and boom, I took my shot. But, you know, food is one thing, and then moving around is a whole other dilemma. Holy smokes, the flying? I mean, I was sitting beside a guy with one of those face masks on and gloves.

People wiping down the seats beside me. Smelt like I was in an oven cleaning contest or something. People on the plane wiping down with Lysol. And here's the kicker, you know. They got their face mask on and their rubber gloves and they're wiping everything. You know, and then all of a sudden they plop down the airplane food right in front of them, and boom.

Off come the masks. Oh, yeah, once there's food involved, they rip that mask off, who cares? Let me breathe in, whatever you got. And I'm like, hey, you know, the coronavirus doesn't go away just because you're at Burger King, all right? the coronavirus doesn't take a break while you're sucking back a salmon. The coronavirus doesn't, like, create a bubble and not penetrate your lungs

just because you're, like, scarfing down a cheeseburger and a bologna sandwich there, whale shark face, whatever that means. But I was panicky because when I flew up, to Florida. It's like everyone had masks and gloves and I'm like, you know what? Screw this, man. I'm not flying back without all that stuff. I'm not going to be the idiot that's not prepared. So I'm like, hey, man, I'm getting a mask. I want to, I want to breathe through a mask. So I start running all over the city. I'm looking for a mask. And where do you get, where do you get a coronavirus mask? It's not like you go to the mall and there's a coronavirus.

Irish shop between, you know, the Apple store and the gap, right? So I'm running all around. I'm like, where the hell do you get these things? So I thought, you know what, Home Depot? That's where. They sell paint and they sell, you know, concrete, and they do, I'm thinking they must have masks at the filters at the Home Depot. I go, sold out.

There's no, there's no masks at Home Depot. There's none at Lowe's. I can't find them anywhere. So here's what I did. Had to get innovative. I went to Victoria's Secret. I bought a thong. Yeah, I got myself a thong.

Beautiful thong, green neon. And I got a backup one, a leopard spot thong. And I'm sitting on the plane with the thong on my face. It says, Midnight Angel, right across my face. Midnight Angel. In fact, the pilot came out at one point and asked me out on a date. I guess it was, I looked pretty hot When you got a Victoria's Secret thong over your face

That says midnight angel You're probably asking for it So I'm sitting there, you know, I got a five-hour flight And I got this thong on my face You know how it is when you breathe with a thong Ladies, you know, right? You breathe out, it's flat, you breathe in, there's a hole Flat, hole, flat, hole, breathe. Right, ladies? Is that how it happens down there? I, maybe not. I don't know.

But it did on my face, it'd be like, breathe out, flat, breathe in, hole. And so I'm sitting on the plane for five hours, you know, agitating my face with this thong going in and out. and when I land, I've got a, my face is chapped. I've got a red triangle of chapped skin around my face. I look like a Russian raccoon or something. I've got the Pramuda triangle of redness on my face. And I'm like, holy God, is this the coronavirus on my face? Right away, I go to a local clinic. I run in, I ask the doctor, I go, Doc, I was.

on the plan, I had a thong on my face for four hours. Do I have the coronavirus? And he looks at me and he sees the red and he goes, no, man, you got a yeast infection. I'm like, what the hell? You got a yeast? You don't wear a thong on your face for four hours. That's unsanitary. So now I'm scrambling around to find vagusil. I've got vagusil on right now. People think I was at the gym. Harlem, were you at the gym because you're sweating profusely? I thought the gyms were all closed. No, no, this. My face is shiny because I've got seven layers of vagusil on my face.

Seven layers? Yeah, I got a vagusil lasagna on my face. One layer is ricotta cheese, all right? Oh, my God. And then the glove, you know, where do you get these rubber gloves? Guess where you get them? You know where you get them? Subway.

The people who work at Subway have the rubber gloves, the plastic gloves. I went into Subway. Can I help you, sir? Yes, I'd like your rubber gloves, please. Would you like cheese on those, sir? Yes, I would like cheese on those. And you know what? Well, you had to put some mayo and some jalapenos on them.

I'll have something to eat, too. So now I've got a victorious secret thong on my face. I got vagusil all over my forehead and on my cheeks. I'm wearing subway gloves. Okay, I smell like a sandwich and yeast. And even with all this, all I can keep hearing in my head is my doctor saying, you've got to wear protection. You've got to wear protection.

And when I hear that, I'm thinking condoms. So now I've been wearing a condom for seven days. I haven't taken it off. Well, I took it off once just to see how it was doing. And have you ever seen a dumpling come out of a bamboo steamer? Because, wow, you wear a rubber condom on your tallywacker for seven days, and it gets, I'm worried about mold at this point. It is, it is ripe.

It is ripe. Have you ever sit in the bathtub too long and your fingers look like a sea cucumber or your toes look like someone amputated an old man's feet and sewed them onto your legs? You think those are wrinkly after sitting in a bathtub for 45 minutes. You've got to see your hands Christian Anderson after it's been wrapped in a condom for seven days. I'm telling you, man. This thing looks like somebody gave birth to a Sharpie puppy between my legs. This is, it's scaring me.

But I'm going to listen to the doctor. I got to stay protected, man. So it's just crazy. But these are the things we got to do. And, you know, this whole virus is, is changing the landscape. It's changing how we think. It's changing the economy.

And speaking of economy, Roger tells me that we have a guest on the line who's, this is a guy who owns his own company. Okay, well, don't tell me too much. Rogers in my headphones here telling me we got a caller who wants to talk about the economy. Okay, well, that's fair. That's an important part of this.

We talked about how to self-isolate, how to protect. So let's talk about the numbers. Let's talk about the other thing that's got us all word, the economy. So let's get this guy through, Roger. Is he on the line now? Okay, put him through, and let's talk dollars and cents with our caller regarding the coronavirus. Okay, we're on the air here with, I believe we're, taking a call from Alabama, is it?

And our caller's name is, is that Randy Torm? That's Randy Torme, sir. If I may just correct you there real quickly. Randy Tormay, and you're from Alabama? That's right, sir, Lincoln, Alabama. We are the owners and operators of Rocktown Brewery. We are an independent brewing company out of Lincoln, Alabama. We've been there for 16.

It's a family-owned operation, and we're proud to be bringing alcoholic beverages to the marketplace every day of the week, 275 days in the year. Well, that sounds like you've got quite a history there, Randy, and, you know, these must be tough times for you. How are you coping economically with, you know, bars and restaurants shutting down? That's got to have an impact. Well, you know, we live in a competitive environment, Mr. Williams, here in the United States of America, and we feel that living in this capitalist society in a place where everyone's entitled to make a fair dollar, sir. Yeah, that's true. You know, what we feel that as of now, our brewery, the Rocktown Breweries, ate a distinct competitive disadvantage. due to the coronavirus outbreak?

Well, explain what you mean, sir. Isn't everybody at a kind of a distinct competitive disadvantage? Well, in our case, in particular, Mr. Williams, as a brewing company, we have run into a virtual wall of competition due to the name of this particular virus. Meaning the coronavirus, sir. A hundred percent, sir. Now, as you know, they named this virus after one of the United States, if not the world's, top selling alcoholic beverages. Well, of course, you're referring to Corona beer. Is that accurate, sir?

Bingo, sir, 100% correct. Corona, we have been in a healthy competition with Corona for, you know, ever since it arrived on the marketplace many decades ago. and we're fine with competition, but when the playing field becomes on level, Mr. Williams, well, we hear at Rock Town Brewer, we got us a problem, sir. Okay, well, why would the virus constitute you having a problem with beer consumption and the marketing and selling of alcoholic drinks?

Well, it's right there in the name, Mr. Williams. if you wanted me to say the name of the virus again, coronavirus. Yeah, that's it, coronavirus. Well, we just said the word corona since the minute I've been on the phone, we probably said the name Corona about two dozen times. Well, you know, you're probably not far off. I'm not far off, and that's all you hear on the news. If I watch the news, if I watch MSNBC or Fox or CNN,

within 25 minutes, they say the name Corona at least a couple of hundred times. Okay, meaning? Meaning they, the Corona Brewery is getting free advertising every single time that somebody says Corona. Well, that's kind of an obscure roundabout. You have a cough there, Mr. Williams? No, no, I was just clearing my throat. I was saying that's an obscure roundabout way to look at this. Well, you can look at it any way you want, Mr. Williams, but words is words, okay.

Well, okay. And words have meaning. We hear that all the time, right? Well, they do have meaning. So when you hear Corona, that's just a free plug for our competition. Well, okay, I guess. No guess, Mr. William. This is hurting our business, and, you know, if you had told me when I got into this industry of selling, you know, recreational beverages, that a virus would be a boost to the bottom line

to my brewing company, well, I would have laughed you all the way from here to the Mississippi River and back on down. In fact, I would have gone down, picked up a catfish, and slapped you right in face with that old nasty fish. Well, so what I'm saying is, you know, I want to stay on a level playing field, and so to compete with the corona

and the corona virus and the Corona Brewer at Mr. Williams, we here at Rocktown Brewer have introduced our own line of virus-themed alcoholic beverages. What are you talking about, sir? Well, if you'd be so

kind and indulge me, sir, I'd like to tell about some of our exciting new products. Wait, you've got new lines of beer. Is that what you're saying? Oh, yeah. We've got some wonderful new drinks that we're ready to ship and serve. And, you know, we just want equal play in field, Mr. Williams. Well, I guess in a capitalist society, you're allowed that.

Yes, that seems fair. Can you tell us some of your new brews? Oh, we have an exciting new line. line of virus-style drinks, Mr. Williams. Let me start with our biggest seller so far, AIDS honeyweed ale. What was that? AIDS honeyweed ale. It's a delicious place.

Hold on. Did you say AIDS? That's right, Mr. Williams. You mean the AIDS virus that's killed millions and has decimated? The AIDS, we're talking about the same age, but this. This is AIDS honeyweed ale, Mr. Williams. What are you talking about, sir? Are you talking about mixing a virus with an alcoholic drink?

Just the way Corona did it, sir. It's working real well for them now. What? Now, what we do, before you get all twisted up in a pantingop, Mr. William, let me tell you about the delicious taste of AIDS honeyweed ale. Yes, sir, Rocktown Brewer is AIDS honeyweed ale. for that wonderful honeywheat taste with just a hint of the AIDS virus that... Hold on, sir!

This is an insult. I mean, are you listening to what you're saying? There are millions of people who have suffered from AIDS, who have died from AIDS, who have died from AIDS, who still have AIDS. This was an epidemic and still is the millions of people in Africa. And don't think we've excluded them. Now, if I could just tell you about the wonderful, refreshing taste of AIDS

honeyweed ale. We've got a slide hint of Africans in there. We got a slide hint of the homosexuals. What? What? Mr. Williams, if I could finish this is disturbing to say the least, Randy.

Now, we got also a slide hint of Haitians. Do you remember when the AIDS epidemic first took off? It was mostly coming out of the Haitian community, and After that, the homosexual community, and that... Sir, this is an insult to homosexuals.

It's an insult to Asians. It's insult to Africans. Are you out of your mind? Now, Mr. Williams, I can't change the scientific facts. Now, am I right to say that the AIDS epidemic started in the Haitian and progressed into the homosexual community and then devastated the African people? Yes, absolutely it did.

That's how it went down, and you can't minimalize this by making it into a honeyweed ale. Now, Mr. Weir, I think I said when I told you the refreshing crisp taste of AIDS honeyweed ale, we have included the little hint of a little taste of homosexual mixed with Haitian, with a little sprinkle of African American. How in the name of holy hell do you make a beer that tastes like homosexual and African and Haitian? Well, Mr. William, now this is part of our secret. Now, the Kentucky Fried Chicken don't go giving away their 11 herbs and spices, but we will tell you that we have squeezed a few mops at the YMCA,

and we've figured out some of the juices that... Sir, this... Whoa. that you can't be selling this type of drink. AIDS honeyweed ale. I tell you, Mr. William, there is nothing more refreshing. If you've been out working on a tractor all day or you've been cutting down trees

and you come home for a crack of nice AIDS honeyweed ale and just that cool taste of homosexual and African with a little cinnamony twist of Haitian, there's nothing taste. Sir, I'm going to have to ask. you to stop out of respect for the for the gay community for out of respect for African Americans out of respect for right out of respect for everybody this is not going to work well I wouldn't say that Mr. Williams in fact we already have a celebrity sponsor attached

to AIDS honeyweed ale what do you mean a celebrity sponsor do you remember a few about a decade ago I would say Mr. Williams one of America's top actors, one of the favorite actors of all time, Fulest Gump himself, Mr. Tom Hanks. Wait a minute, sir. Tom Hanks, now, here's a man that did a movie called Philadelphia years ago about the AIDS epidemic, and what are you talking about? And we thought what could be a better fit than Tom Aids Hanks for AIDS Honeyweed Ale.

I mean, can you imagine the luck? What are you? No, this is a raging insult. You can't do this, sir. And not only that, Mr. Williams, but here's where we really kick Corona Brewery in the teeth. Mr. Tom Hanks, star of Philadelphia, the AIDS movie. Well, guess what? Mr. Tom Hanks had the coronavirus. So now it's almost like we're stealing from the Corona Brewery, and we're bringing in not only did he have AIDS, but he also had coronavirus

and now he's our spokesman for AIDS Honeyweed Ale now can you believe the what I know sir this has got to stop this is an insult you can't do this and if I could just mention some

of our other lines of here we have Ebola light which is a light refreshing Ebola light oh Mr. Williams if you don't want all the calories and one thing you know the Ebola virus when it hit. What it did is it just sat people of everything they had. They were bleeding

from the eyes and the mouth. And basically, people became emaciated and skinny and just withered away like grapes on the vine, Mr. Williams. And so we thought, our marketing team thought, what a perfect fit, Ebola light. If you don't want as many calories in your alcoholic beverage, Ebola light. You drink two, four of these and you're going to look like you got a bowl. I mean, that's what we joke about in the boardroom. Sir, this is a screaming outrage. Now, you can't do this. And for more of you, recreational drinkers,

who don't necessarily like the taste of beer, we have Zika had hard lemonade. Remember the Zika virus, Mr. Williams, killed millions of people and dogs and cats, too. Sir, this is, you are going down the wrong road. Well, tell that to the consumer. but we've already shipped truckloads of Zika Head Hard Lemonade, and a lot of the lady folk like it.

You know, women aren't always the biggest beer drinkers, and they like to have options. And with Zika Head Hard Lemonade, they get a little taste of Zika virus with that wonderful squirty taste of citrus lemonade, just perfect for a summer day, Mr. William. Sir, I think I've got to stop this. And let me tell you about our...

newly introduced heifer sars. Heifer. Well, heifer is the German word. It's like a heifer bison. It's a wheat beer, but we've infused it with a slight hint of ginger and orange SARS. Do you remember the SARS virus,

Mr. Williams? What? Yes. Wait, these were horrible viruses. And lastly, can I just mention pint-oh-pork swine flu micro-brew? Now, there's people that don't like the more traditional beers we offer. They like their drinks from a microbrewer.

What did you say the name of it was? It's called Pine O Pork Swine Flu MicroBrew. And wait till you hear our slogan, Mr. Williams. I don't want to hear your slogan. You can't have a pint of pork swine flu microbreu. What the hell? If you just listen to our slogan, a pint of pork, swine flu, microbreu.

Tip back a grunt, you can't. And we just think that's what... Did you say tip back a grunt, you can't? Bingo, you got it. We can send you a free case if you like, Mr. Williams. You know what? Randy, I think this is wrong. You've offended people.

You're not taking the virus seriously. This is insensitive. And I'm sorry, but you've worked me up to the point. Well, if you're all worked up, Mr. Williams, and it sounds like you're very animated, you're probably sweating, feeling a little damp under your arms. I recommend for you to calm down a nice, tall, cold glass of LPA. What the hell is LPA? Leukemia Pale Ale.

Now, that's our latest offer, and... Oh, my God, leukemia, get the hell out of here. It says beautiful on ice, Mr. Get the hell. Get the hell! Idiot! What? God! Leukemia pale ale!

Did you hear that, Roger? What an outrage. This is, you know, I want to apologize on behalf of that moron. What an insult and an insensitive, just greedy. Capitalism at its worst. This individual.

just clearly looking to profit on the suffering and misery of others. And we do not endorse any of those products. We actually are repulsed by those products. And wow. Sometimes you just wonder, you know, in the heat of a dilemma, in the heat of a tragedy, I guess you get two sides. You get heroes who emerge, and you get parasites who emerge. And what can I say, folks?

Wow. Not cool. But let's move along, Roger. Let's, you know, is there a possible way to get more of a scientific explanation and angle on this virus? You know, we've kind of discussed the symptoms and we've discussed, you know, But if we really examined, studied the psychological side, have we studied the effects that something this devastating has on the moral psyche of civilized communities, civilized people, and we've got them? Okay, I was hoping we'd go to someone who's at least an academic. Yeah.

Great, great. Okay, so Roger has secured, he's at the airport. Great. Okay. He must be on his way somewhere like a lot of us are. We have Professor Rutherford Grimes. This gentleman is a brilliant scholar. He's a professor of African American culture, African American history. And he's a renowned professor from Yale. And he just probably can give us a a really good understanding of how this affects us all from a mental point of view, what it can lead us to us as fragile humans in the human condition. So without further ado, he's ready to go. Let's put him through Professor Rutherford Grimes from, yeah, what? Oh, it's Berkeley.

Okay, he's from Berkeley up in Northern California here. Right, right, right. Okay. Let's get him on right away. Uh, hello, uh, professor. Uh, yeah, hello, uh, Mr. William. Yes, Professor Grimes. How are you, sir? Uh, under the, uh, the circumstances, sir, I'm doing, uh, I'm doing fairly well. Oh, there's a lot to deal with right now. There's, uh, a lot of anxiety, uh, in the air right now, but, uh, under the, the circumstances, I'm doing just fine, sir. Well, it's great. You think we understand you're at the air.

airport and we appreciate you taking some time out to talk to us. Maybe if nothing else help calm some fears. Absolutely excited to be here. I am on my way across the country in our airplane to visit some family, to be close to loved one. And Mr. William, this is a time when we must think about, you know, who are the most important people around us? Who are the people that we want to be near under these dire circumstances? I know, it's true. Whenever, oh, excuse me. Is that a cop you have there, Mr. William?

No, I was just clearing my throat, Professor. Okay, because that sounds a little nat. You sound like you all flammed up, and you got some flam all over the, all over your suffragus there. No, it was just a little. I was just clearing my throat, so I've been doing a lot of talking today. I understand, sir. But back to your point, it is very important for a psychological point of view that we are close to people that we find comfort from, if you understand what I'm saying. People that will bring us a sense of calm, a sense of family, a sense of togetherness, a sense of tribe, if you will,

if I'm dissecting this on a more primitive level, sir. Yeah, I understand that. We all kind of have our, quote-unquote, tribes, our families, and I think when there's civil unrest, it's almost like a natural instinct to get close to the people that are maybe genetically tied to you, but also you've formed strong bonds with in life. Absolutely, Mr. Williams.

We forge relationships. and powerful bonds all through our lives. And when things go askew, when things go off the rail, as they say, it's important to rally around people that you know can be dependable to you, both physically and emotionally, of course. Yeah, I mean, you know, most of us are walking on a frayed wire when we're hearing all this doomsday news and the scariness and the rapid contagious elements of this virus.

And so you kind of need that support net underneath you. Isn't that right, Professor? Absolutely, because the psyche of society, Mr. Webb, you know, when an element like this affects all of us, it just sweeps across like a fog rolling in off the ocean and enveloping us, Mr. Williams, well, that could create a general mood. It can be great, a general mood that depresses us.

It brings us down. It makes us sag as a society, if you will, sir. Yeah, I get that. Sagging, we just kind of droop, we kind of frump, we kind of just kind of, you know, the joy goes out of your step, you're feeling just kind of hunched over. You said a key word there, Mr. Williams, droop.

And, you know, I think when people come to me and they ask me, you know, what is the origin of this type of affliction? Where does this come from? How can a whole society, the quote, use it, be drooped by a virus like this? They appear to come out almost nowhere, sir. I have to look back to one certain individual who may be the patient zero, if you was, for this mental state of mind. Oh, so you think just as the virus actually had a patient zero at one time physically, this is interesting.

You think there could be a psychological patient zero that kind of you could attribute the kind of depressed, sagging demeanor of all of us who were afflicted by this? 100%, Mr. Williams. And you could look through the databases, the genetic code of every human being on planet Earth to try and find the psychological, if you will, patient zero. And I think my data and my research up in Berkeley always come back to one individual where you could pin the tail on the donkey, if you will, sir.

Oh, wow. Okay. That's fascinating. So you think you've zeroed in on the exact person that might have caused kind of this droopy kind of empty feeling that overcomes humans as they go through something like this? Absolutely. And you'd be surprised. Yeah, who it is. Have you ever heard of an Oscar-winning actor, Mr. Williams? This gentleman, one of the African-American communities of Pride and Joy, a wonderful actor, Oscar winner, nominated for Oscars. Wait a minute, Professor.

No, you're not... This gentleman, he is a shining light in the acting community. I'm talking about Forrest Whitaker. Do you know this actor? Sir, you know, are you talking about Forrest Whitaker, the actor? Absolutely. And when you talk about the droop, quote on quote, I want you to pull up a picture, anybody listen,

and pull up a picture of Fawes Whitaker on your Internet, on your Google, and take a look at Fawes, Wittaker. left eye. Oh, no, here we go again. Sir, if you could not... I need you to look at Fawkes-Wittaker's left eye, and you will see, Mr. William, that it droop, as you would say, to use the coin your phrase, Mr. William. Fawkes-Wittaker left eye droop down like a broken shutter on a cottage that just went through Hurricane Katrina. It just hang and flap around in the wind and rattle around. and rattle around like an angry rattlesnake on the side of Brookback Mountain or some place.

Sir, can we not reference Forrest Whitaker's left eye? I think we're going down a really good path here to help people understand, you know, maybe some of the emotions they're feeling. And if it's okay with you, I'd just like to keep it more in the... Well, you know, Mr. Whib, I've worked a long time. I've been a professor. I've taught a lot of young, creative American minds. And if you don't mind, sir, I'd rather not be lectured at

to alter my opinion and censor myself when you clearly had me on your show to try to try to give an explanation to why we might be feeling moody and depressed during this critical situation we're in. Yes, but do you have to keep going back to... Forrest Whitaker's left eye. Now, if you could just study it and look at the way that eye, it droop down.

Like, you ever been riding your car through the countryside and you see an old barn standing out in the field? Maybe an old bomb built up in the 20s or the 30s a strong, mighty structure with a strong back, but then you look at the roof, and the roof with that barn, it's just been out in the wind and the rain and the snow for decades after decade, just standing in that field, the wind of blowing, and that barn roof, Mr. William, it just droop down. It just sag right down in the middle.

Oh, the two ends are strong, but right in the middle, it just sagged down, just hanging like Forrest Whitaker's left eye. Now, sir, can we get off of Forrest Whitaker's left eye? I'm trying to focus on... And there'll be a moss growing on it. There'll be green moss just hanging down and the old bomb board.

Sometimes when a breeze come whistling across the prairies, it just flap those bomb boards up and down. And that's what Boris Whitaker's left eye do. If you ever watch in his movies, He's, oh, my God, the butler. I don't know if you ever saw his Oscar-winning performance in the butler, but there's a few scenes where we're forced Whitaker, his acting ability, he whipped himself into a crybaby mode, tears coming down,

and that left eye, just that, the flaps, just flapping up and down, and, oh, like, bombards blowing in an Oklahoma hurricane, just jumping up and down, like water coming up underneath the boardwalk. Just crazy stuff, Mr. William. Okay, sir, can we... I get it, I get it. But people, their demeanor is down. They're feeling depressed because of the uncertainty.

Can't this be attributed to psychological studies done by prominent psychologists and human behavioralists? Do we have to keep going back to... Foss, Wittaker's left eye. Now, you know, even in the physical... form. When you see people during the limelag like this, Mr. Williams, even the way they're walking around,

they're unsure, they're unstable, the posture. They're all hung over, their backs hunched over. They don't want to look up the whole body is sagging. Okay, I can't agree with that. But their whole body is sagging

like Faw's Winnaker's left eye. Now, you ever been at the beach, Mr. Williams, and, you know, everyone's having a good time, throwing around the beach ball, and all of a sudden a beach ball land on top of a sea urchin. You see a, you ever see a seerchum, Mr. William, with the prickly needles like a Pocepine's asshole? Sir, if we could just steer it back to the virus.

And then that beach ball, it land on that Pocepine asshole, and the air slowly drift out of that beach ball, and it just starts to sag, Mr. William. And even make a whistling noise. It's like, shh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h. Okay, we get it. The beach ball's losing air.

And I can't remember, I can't remember which movie it was, Mr. Williams. I'm not entirely sure, but I remember distinctly, there were one movie where Forge Whitaker I, his left-eye, that it, just to be specific, there was a scene where he was standing outside, and it was waiting for a train to come or something on a platform, and a train went whistling by, and, you know, the turbulence that the air, when a train come whistling by, we've all felt that the blast of air that rushes by us, and I swear to God, Mr. Williams, and in this particular scene, I can't remember the movie, but as that train whistled by for us Whitaker's face, the meat,

flap on his left eye. It just started flatt, and you can hear it whistling like a saggy meatball. I was like just flapping and wiggling and his meaty left eye, just jumping up and there like someone at the zoo just threw a giant slab of meat into the hyena cage and it bounced around all over the ground. Would you knock it off, sir? To God, somebody threw a slab of meat in a hyena cage. Well, now, you can laugh all you want, Mr. William, but this is a serious, serious situation.

I'm trying to explain to you how the human psyche operate under these adverse conditions in lethal, dangerous conditions, and it all come back to Forrest Whitaker's left eye. That's exactly right, Mr. Williams. And so, you know, if people are wondering how they can lift their spirit, how they can rise above this dilemma, how they can mentally, you know, rise above all the chaos and all the depressed feelings, I would advise all your listeners to not watch Forrest Whitaker, Are you kidding me after all that? Yeah, that's right, Mr. William. We're going through the biggest thing since the black death, the black plague,

and your advice to people is to stay away from watching Forrest Whitaker movies. That's exactly right, and this comes from years of studying, this comes from years of research. You don't want to be looking at that big hanging left-out. Fores Whitaker. I mean, this thing, it looked like a catfish that just got run over by a boat propeller. I mean, this thing, it flops around, it flips around, and, you know, this thing, if you've been caught and Forrest Whitaker's left eye in a windstorm, this thing would roll up like a tortilla shell. They'd just roll up and be like an eyelid tortilla all filled up with eyelashes and, you know, eyelid meat and some of that they had to yellow stuff in the corner, Fours Buretica's island, like guacamole, just a giant island tortilla

flapping in the winter. Okay, thank you, sir, goodbye. A big juicy and put some sour cream all over Fours Wittaker's left eye and have a big giant tortilla island. Goodbye, sir. God! What in the name of holy hell? You know,

You know what, I've had it. We've had two calls from people that just don't really seem to grasp what this virus is and how it's affecting everybody. And I'll tell you, there's one thing Rutherford Grimes, Professor Rutherford Grimes said that did make sense to me. He said that in these times of crises, we gravitate towards family and loved ones, and we find comfort in that. I think his psychological analysis on that was spot on before he went down that ridiculous... Why does he always seem to go after Forst Whitaker's left eye? But anyways, following through on the thought that, you know, our tribe, quote, unquote, is what gives us maybe psychological strength and the moral support we need to ride out these situations.

I think we should end the podcast here with hearing from someone from my family, because you said she left a message, right, Roger? Yeah. Okay. So my Aunt Ruthie, who lives up in Rochester, New York. She's like 87 years old or something now. She lives with my uncle Harry. And, you know, they say that old people are really in danger with this virus.

So I really hope that I haven't heard her message yet. Can we play it? Yes, sir. And, you know, I hate to kind of be self-indulgent here, but I am worried about her, and I want to hear how she's making out in the midst of this situation. So we'll end this show out with hearing from my Aunt Ruthie and just see how senior citizens, my aunt and uncle, are coping. Go ahead and play her voicemail, Roger, and let's check in with my Aunt Ruthie.

Hello? Hello. Are you there, Angel? Oh, my God. It's your Aunt Ruthie calling from Rochester, New York, Angel. How are you? We miss you so much, your Uncle Harry, and I say hello to Harlan, Harry. Oh, I don't know what he's doing. I think he's played Jamanji or something. Anyways, Angel, we just wanted to check in. Our phones are going crazy. You can hear all the noise and the electricity's been going on and off. We've got this horrible virus going on up here. I don't know if you have it over where you are in the Hollywoods,

where you're making your televisions and your movies and whatnot, Angel. But up here in Rochester, everything's gone crazy-ass bad shit. I mean, everyone's running around like they got to. their head stuck in a giraffe's ass, for grace sake. I mean, it's just been insane. Everyone's worried about the coronas and the viruses and getting sick. And, of course, you know, just wouldn't it be our luck? They say it's very dangerous for the old-timers, like your uncle Harry and myself.

And so we've been running around, Angel Harry started the car, and we went down to Gelson's to the grocery store and uh you know we picked up all the groceries we could carry oh my god i hope that's not the virus but anyhow angel we we gathered up as much as we could we went in the store and we were pulling things off the shelf like like a dentist pulling wisdom teeth out of rebel wilson's lower back jaw for christ's sake i mean we were grabbing all kinds of things we got you know kansas soup and Irish stew, and of course Harry likes his craft dinner, for God's sake, those cheesy noodles and whatnot, Angel. And everything was going just dandy, and then, of course, we got over to the toilet paper

roll aisle, and everyone's grabbing toilet paper like they're ripping gold off, you know, the good King Wences's fucking walls or something, for God's sakes. I mean, we got over to where the toilet paper usually is, and you know your uncle Harry, He likes the five-ply, because, you know, he likes to squirt a lot as he gets older. And so we go to the toilet paper aisle, and it's fucking like the rumble in the jungle, for Christ's sake. People are hitting each other with crowbars and drop-kicking each other in the fucking head. And people in headlocks and people were smashing water bottles all over and go, I'm like, how much does everyone need to wipe the bottom for Christ's sake?

I mean, out of all the things in the store, I mean, people were walking by a T-bone steak to get to a roll of shaman, for God's sakes. I'm thinking, well, you're not going to be able to wipe your ass if you don't eat the food first, you're dumb fuck, you know. So your uncle Harry and I are standing there behind a shopping cart with our jaws dropping open angel and we're saying, what the hell is going on around here? people flying through the air there were people doing the super fly off the top shelf you know people climbing up and doing the superfly the way Randy

macho Camacho used to do it on W&WE and we're just astounded we've never seen behavior like this it was like Cirque de Soleil met a mental hospital and people were tumbling around and rolling around people were tearing the shirts off

there was some person that I guess needed something instantly they had to pants down and they left a diarrhea trail down the, you know, like a moose footprints in the mud in the forest, for Christ's sake. I mean, it was just crazy, Angel. And so we got away with all our food, but we didn't have any toilet paper. And of course, when we got back to the house, you know, down there on Papa Nicolane, well, we suddenly realized what all the calamity was about with the toilet paper, for God's sake. Your Uncle Harry did a movement that pretty much shook the foundations of the house. I mean, I don't know if he ate

a box of lucky jobs, or he ate a box of dynamite. This guy, I mean, the noises coming out of the bathroom upstairs. I thought Dracula had risen from the grave and sucked the juices out of Rebel Wilson's legs. I mean, I can believe it, for Christ's sake, Angel. And so here we are. The roof shaking. The floors are rumbling. Your uncle Harry comes. out. And guess what? He's like, we've got no toilet paper, Ruthie. You know how he likes to yell down the stairs for Christ's sakes, even with this company in the house, for God's sakes. And I'm like, well, I know, Harry. There was done at the grocery store. Everyone in Gelson's was fighting like hyaedas, you know, jumping around a dead zebra carcass for Christ's sake.

And so now we got Harry and he's like, you know, he looks like somebody dropped a chocolate a pudding cup on his ass, and we're like, what the hell do we do? And now, Harry starts using the drapes. He's wiping off on the drapes, and then, you know, that didn't really last. So then he starts pulling books off the shelf, and he's wiping his hairy old track with a, you know, a couple of pages of Peter Benchley's jaws and some Ernest Hemingway and some Anne Rand got up into his crack, for Christ's sake. There was even some Charles Dickens hanging out of his A-hole for God.

God's sakes, Angel. I mean, your uncle Harry was using classic novels to wipe his 98-year-old crevasse for Christ's sake. You know, of course, you know, Harry ain't all the lucky jobs. I guess he's got the runs or something, so off he goes up to the turret again.

And this guy starts pumping, you know, junk like the Alaskan pipeline just hit a gold mine for Christ's sake. And once again, he comes out and he's got no toilet paper. and Harry's running out into the street. And there's one of the Carlson boys playing street hockey. This kid's about a six-year-old boy,

a little freckled face with red hair. Excuse me, honey. And your uncle Harry runs up and grabs this kid by the head and uses his mop-top to wipe his ass. Uncle Harry's using a six-year-old boy, a toilet paper for Christ's sake. And now the neighbors are coming out and yelling, and Harry's like, I got to wipe my wife. crack, and I'm thinking, oh, my God, this virus is making everyone violent and insane, and

it's just unbelievable angel cake. So, you know, we're doing okay, but your uncle, how are you doing, Harry? Oh, my God, he's just out of control. He does farts that look like cabbage patch kids. I mean, I don't know if, you know, farts are supposed to be, you know, invisible angel, but Uncle Harry's Farts are so bad. They have faces on them. It's horrible. But anyways, Angel, enough about me. I hope you're doing okay in the virus, and I hope you're staying healthy, and you've got lots

of toilet paper for yourself, Angel. Your Aunt Ruthie and your Uncle Harry love you so much. Hold on. Harry, do not wipe your bottom on the TV screen. No. That is a toilet paper commercial. It's not real toilet paper. Oh, my God.

He's wiping his ass all over a flat screen. There's a shaman commercial. You know the one with the little blue bears on it? It's an animated cartoon that the shaman commercial with the bears are talking about wiping the bumps. Your uncle Harry's rubbing his big hairy, pruny ass all over the cute little bears. It's like, looks like somebody's shit out of care bear, for Christ's sake. Get the hell off the TV, Harry! Oh my God, I got to go, honey.

This is just getting out of control. Be safe. Call me when you can. Your Aunt Ruthie love you. Don't forget to drink lots of orange juice and wipe your bottom if you can. Okay, A.m., we love you. Goodbye, baby, Junks. Goodbye. Harry, get you. Now you've got your bottom on an episode of Magnum P.I. Get your dirty bottom off of Tom Selleck's mustache. Jesus Christ. Harry, you dirty Well, there you go. There it is. The Harland Highway podcast, coronavirus special.

Whoever thought we'd ever hear those words. But anyways, I just did this hoping that it would take your mind off it, help you laugh a little. Sometimes you have to look at the worst, scariest things, and learn how to make fun of them. And, you know, it helps alleviate some of the tension and the anxiety. that these events can bring. So hopefully this took your mind off and put a smile on your face for a little bit and I hope you enjoyed.

And if you want to enjoy more stuff, if you want to take your mind off the mad, mad world we live in even more, I want to tell you about something new that I'm doing, and I think I mentioned it, way back when we were, you know, hanging the podcast up in last June, I told you I'd shifted my energy to a new project, and I want to tell you about it.

It's a little video series that I'm doing called Two Guys and Their Underpants. Now, hold on, before you shut me off, hear me out. It really is this ridiculous little video series that I'm shooting. It's with these two crazy little dolls. two dolls that just wear underpants and black loafers. And these are dolls that I travel all over the world with, and I shoot little episodes with these nutty dolls doing crazy things. And I think if you like my sense of humor,

if you like the podcast, I think you'll absolutely love two guys in their underpants. And you're like, all right, we've heard enough. Where do we get it? Well, you get it on a digital platform called patreon.com. P-A-T-R-E-O-N. Patreon. Sorry, P-A-T, yeah, R-E, I can't even spell it, Patreon. Let me write it out here.

That way I won't, let's see, P-A-T-R-E-O-N. I had it right. I'm not an idiot. Just stupid. Patreon.com backslash Harland Williams And that will take you right to it Or if you can't find it

Go to Harlanwilms.com And you'll see a new category For my Patreon page And you can read all about it And how it works is I post original material I post this show And basically what you do

If you want to support what I do you can sign up and you pay like a monthly fee which starts as low as $5. So for $5 a month, you get to see all my work on Patreon, including two guys in their underpants and also including another video series I did, which is a lot darker, more serious, and plays into what we're going through right now,

a post-apocalyptic series called The Australian, which is a show about a lone wanderer, a vigilante who wanders the wasteland after a virus decimates the human population. Talk about timely, and that's going up in June. I'm going to launch that one and all kinds of other stuff, and I might be bringing back episodes of the Harlan Highway podcast on my Patreon page. So it's just a creative space where I get to post original material because all this stuff takes time and money and a lot of effort. That's why we ask for a little bit of money

back from you guys so I can fund this stuff. It all adds up and it's a lot of work, but I love doing it. But at the same time, I need to fund all my madness. And so for $5 a month, I think that works out to like $60 a year or something. You can join up and you can watch all these shows and hear all this stuff that I think will really make you laugh and bring more happiness and joy into your life. So I love making it. I hope you like watching it and you like hearing it. And so go to patreon.com backslash Harlan Williams.

And please, if you have it in your heart, join the Patreon page. And you will get stuff that nobody else gets to see or hear but you. So get on there. And I thank you in advance for any support. And I'm telling you, there's two guys in their underpants series is really. really demented. I post a new episode every 10 days, and it is crazy. I mean, I've filmed these guys in Saudi Arabia. I've filmed them at the St. Louis Arch. I've thrown them over Niagara Falls. I've filmed them at Burning Man Festival. I've filmed them in Vegas.

I've filmed them. They've been all over the place, and it just gets stupider and stupider with every episode. So get on there and join the laughter and so much more. As the page evolves, you're going to see much more material coming out of me. And if you've missed the Harland Highway podcast, trust me, for $5 a month, you're going to get that empty void inside of you filled with the crazy material I'm putting up there, especially for you guys who join. so patreon.com backslash harland williams or go to harland williams.com check out my

patreon page and you can join there too and you can read more about it and see some some exclusive clips and whatnot and i look forward to entertaining you at my patreon.com page so thanks guys be safe use your common sense isolate yourself, go stand in your closet and sniff mothballs if you have to. But we're going to get through this. It's going to be fine. You know, it's a tough time to deal with, but it reminds us, if anything else, if I can get philosophical right at the end here, it reminds us of how to give thanks for the charmed lives we have.

You know, we take it for granted every day that we're just going to wake up and the sun's going to be shining and we're going to go to work and watch TV and go to McDonald's. But every day is a gift. Every day that we're alive is a gift. And these viruses and other calamities that face the human race are not anomalies. There will be more. And there could be worse ones. I guess the only silver lining is this one, even though it's deadly, is a mild form of deadly.

It's almost like a bad flu virus that we can overcome. But God forbid the day comes when a virus comes that just drops us like we've been hit with bug spray. And not to be a fearmonger, but that's highly possible and could happen one day. So let's give thanks. Let's remember to be kind and loving to each other. And remember what a precious gift life is and how precious it is we get to be around each other. and share and laugh and cry and love and all that good stuff. Being human and living on this beautiful planet is truly a cherished gift.

And let's remember when we're hit with this stuff, how special it is and how special you are and how special we all are. And I want to thank you for being here today. And until next time, keep your face mask on. wear gloves and try to eat lots of chicken chalman baby oh god oh god